G.I. Combat #3

Why did time have to suddenly remember this war?

The War That Time Forgot begins showing a flashback of Elliot this issue.

This scene is either showing how Elliot loves and cares for animals or that his wife is an unfeeling, shallow bitch.

Elliot can't help but take care of the poor, lost, lonely puppy. And judging by the cover, he's a sucker for cute little animals of any kind. But don't be fooled into thinking he's a softy! If something tries to eat him, he has no problem stuffing a grenade down its throat and dancing on its blood-soaked carcass.

Elliot finds a small dinosaur with billions of sharp teeth tearing the head off of a rat and he approaches it smiling. It's so cute! Like a terrifyingly deadly muppet! But just as he's about to tame it and name it George (if you know why he names it George and what he's going to do with it afterward, you're fucking old), Stevens runs up and scares the dinosaur off.

What a speciesist jerk! There are hundreds of different types of dinosaurs (possibly thousands but since God didn't say how many when he wrote The Bible, there's no way to know how many)! That one might have been one of the cuddly ones that gives adult massages.

Elliot and Stevens still haven't bothered to find out the name of their Korean Friend, so I'll just refer to him as K.F. He's the most likable member of the group because he barely says anything. Elliot was a bit of a cipher and simply "the best friend" last issue. But now his characterization has just exploded all over the place since we've found out he's an animal lover and caregiver! Although he's still mistrustful of K.F. Stevens, it turns out, is just an ashole asshole! That typo made me remember that Stevens first name is Ash!

These panels are deceptive because he seems to be acting so nice to K.F. But if they were at war, BAM MOTHER FUCKER! Brains all over some kind of North Korean bush I don't recognize!

Pretty soon, the team encounter a herd of Gasplochadons (I might be wrong on the name). Elliot and Ash blow one up and dive out of the way, leaving K.F. to handle the rest of them alone!

Noooooooo! My favorite character in G.I. Combat!

Korean Friend is torn apart by the Gasplochadons because his character was making the plot too complex. The tension was just too high wondering if he's going to turn on the Americans because he's a rat bastard Axis of Evil North Korean! Now the reader can concentrate on the strong platonic love of two war buddies just trying to survive.

While trying to save K.F. unsuccessfully, Elliot's gun is grabbed by a Gasplochadon and Elliot refuses to let go! So in order to save Elliot's gun, Ash shows off some mean fucking basketball skills.

What's that? About a thirty foot horizontal?

Ash manages to make the dinosaur let go of the gun and it falls to the ground. Elliot falls to the ground as well which is what Elliot could have done at any time without Ash's help so I can only assume they were trying to save the gun. But then the dinosaur stumbles with Ash on its back!

"NO! I told you to let go!"

Thus ends the next chapter of The War That Time Forgot. But here's a bonus scanned page that I found while looking in my 1976 Charlie Brown's Super Book of Questions and Answers.

"When I was in pre-school, we didn't believe in any of this new fangled asteroids destroying dinosaurs crap! We believed they died from biological warfare with the rats that ate their babies!"

The second half of G.I. Combat is going to suck because I find this super version of the Unknown Soldier uninteresting.

Unknown soldier kills hundreds of terrorists and captures the guy behind Red Jihad only to find out he's too late. The white teenaged kidnapped terrorists are already in New York and ready to destroy it next issue.

G.I. Combat #3 Rating: -2 Ranking. It gets a negative one for each story! The dinosaur story is just bland with fairly shallow characters. And the Unknown Soldier is ridiculous. I can't stand the Rambo style one man badass taking out hundreds of opponents style story. Oh but it has a big twist! The terrorists are white youths! Ho ho! Big fucking deal. Bored!

G.I. Combat #2

DC didn't think dinosaurs would work two covers in a row? Come on! Fuckin' dinosaurs!

Last issue, I noticed that both stories weren't full length and thought maybe that would be a normal thing. But then I realized: I bet both stories last issue were meant to be Men of War back-up stories. I still think it's a slap in the reader's face to cancel one war title and start up a new one in its places. DC really doesn't give a shit, do they? Wait until they cancel Batman: The Dark Knight! It'll just be replaced by another Bat-title.

The issue starts out with Ash rubbing his wife's vagina through the comforter.

I know, right?

 

This takes place before Ash found himself in North Korea fighting dinosaurs with his military buddy whats-his-name. You know, the other guy? The one that was taller than him? He had dark hair? He was bulkier, remember? Um, the black guy?

Ash's wife asks him how he's able to kill a person. He tells her he'd kill anybody standing in-between him and returning to his wife. Exactly how experience is Ash at killing people? His real answer should be that he has no idea if he's ever actually killed anyone because most combat is just bullets flying across a disputed area. Unless Ash is actually a sniper. What she really should have asked him is, "How do you kill a dinosaur?"

And then they both come together. Like The Beatles!

And then the action returns to the battlefield because that's enough sex for a Teen Plus rated comic book. At least for now!

It's called a Stegosaurus! Or Spike, to his friends.

I know everybody can identify a Stegosaurus. But does anybody else currently have the book where they first encountered one? I know, I know. Most of the Tumblr generation first discovered them watching The Land Before Time. But here's where I saw my first Stegosaurus.

This is from 1976. I wonder how much of it is now incorrect. My favorite dinosaur is the Camptownrasosaurus.

It might be surprising but I don't have much to say about this story. There's a page of dinosaurs attacking Ash and the other guy. I only remember Ash's name because they used it again in this issue. But his friend is still just the Black Guy! And now they've made a new friend: the Korean Guy! And he's got a pet lizard.

Oh, his name is Elliot! Not the dinosaur, dumb dumb! Ash's buddy. I looked it up in G.I. Combat #1 while I was scanning this picture.

Would have been so hard to do the dinosaur fight without a T-Rex? This is the fucking money shot of every man versus dinosaur story. Unless it's the original Land of the Lost. Grumpy was never close to being as scary as a trip into the Sleestak's cave.

Quiz time? How do they defeat the T-Rex? Do they:
A. Let it swallow Ash whole so he can shoot his way out of its stomach?
B. Throw grenades down its gullet?
C. Stab it in the eye?
D. Shove the barrel of a tank up its ass and blast it to Kingdom Fuck?

The answer is not C! They throw grenades down its throat! Good job, kids! I feel like fucking Dora listening to nobody but acting like she can hear all of the dumb kids' answers anyway. Does anybody see Swiper? Swiper no swiping!
 
Elliot is pumped that he's just blown the head off of an honest to goodness real life dinosaur. He celebrates every way he can think of except for fucking it in the eye socket. Ash gets a little perturbed by Elliot's show of emotion.

I think Elliott knows it's about survival. And he's thrilled he just survived being attacked by a T-rex! And isn't war about survival as well? Nobody's going to "win" this war on terrorism. It's only ever going to be about survival. So why is Ash thinking war is a game but survival is serious business that can't be celebrated. Fuck it, white boy. I'd be dancing on that dinosaur's head if I'd survived!

Ash can speak Korean so he tries to find out what's going on from his new Korean Friend who doesn't have a name yet because nobody bothers to ask. Korean Friend doesn't know anything more than the Americans. Ash gives him a gun and now it's Elliott's turn to be perturbed.

Seriously though. I'd get his name first.

The story will be continued in Issue #3 where I guarantee guns will be used against dinosaurs. It will be very dramatic.

The second chapter of the Unknown Soldier story begins in the headquarters of A.M.M.O. (Advanced Military Medical Operations). Unless it means Another Mysterious Military Organization. Because this is another secret Black Ops Unit for the DCnU. The Unknown Soldier is undergoing an experimental process to give him regenerative powers. He declined to have his face reconstructed though. For that, they're going to use "Smart Skin" to allow him to disguise himself as anybody he wants. So he's part Wolverine and part Christopher Chance.

The Unknown Soldier is all fixed up and ready to go. So of course they need to test him first by sending him into Mexico City to kill a bunch of drug lords.

Why not just fix him up with a Firestorm Protocol?

The Unknown Soldier receives so many modifications that he's barely even human anymore. He's just the wrong side of immortal, apparently. Isn't the part of the excitement of The Unknown Soldier that he's just a common man doing his duty? But now he's a fucking super hero that really doesn't have to worry about being killed. He's just a gigantic killing machine. Well, he's not gigantic. He's effective!

The Unknown Soldier has also had his brain rewired so they can download information into it. His eyes record everything he sees. He can speak fifteen languages (why not just fill him with all of them?). With all of his new abilities, he easily kills everything.

Later, blah blah blah terrorist blah blah blah biochemical agents blah blah blah al-Isri blah blah blah Antipova blah blah blah Unknown Soldier is immune to the Crimson Jihad biochemical agent blah blah blah Secret Operatives kidnapped and raised from childhood to be used to release the agent in America.

Profile that, mother fuckers!

G.I. Combat #2 Rating: -1 Ranking. Geez. The dinosaur story was more interesting than the Unknown Soldier story and the dinosaur story was boring! This war comic is not going to be any good if they use a story with pages of panels of gunfire and dinosaurs to explore some theme about love. And I've had enough of the usual story of the bad-ass guy who defeats terrorists. Maybe next issue it'll be fun to watch him kill people who look like regular American teenagers. Or is that not supposed to be fun? He'll probably just get in trouble with the normal authorities when he pops a cap in that white girl.

Overall, just not good enough. Not even close.