Han Solo's Revenge by Brian Daley (1979)

The cover of this book looks like a record album. Chewbacca probably played the keytar. Han Solo sang and jumped into the crowd and also he sang poorly. Sometimes his pants would rip and you could see his junk pressing against his sheer space underwear. But this book isn't about Han Solo's new wave space band. It is about Han Solo getting revenge. And even though I finished this book, I don't know if he got it. I'm not even sure who he was getting revenge on. If he was getting revenge on Zlarb the slaver then the book was over in the first few chapters.

That isn't a spoiler because I don't think spoilers count if they're about stuff that happens in the first few chapters. Unless you're the kind of person who thinks the synopsis on the back of the book is also a spoiler. Then fair point, mate. I just spoiled this book.

One chapter is just an entire chapter of Chewbacca acting like MacGyver except more gross. He turns the corpse of a flying lizard into a hang glider with the help of some surveying equipment. The chapter wasn't as exciting as it would have been in the movie of this book; it just made me think, "Brian Daley really knows a lot of hang-glider vocabulary. He must really be into hang-gliding."

I suppose not every chapter has to be completely relevant to the revenge plot (although during the chapter where the entire mystery is explained by the sentient otter, we learn why this chapter was included). Some times when Garfield sits around hating Mondays, I just enjoy the cynical resentment of an arbitrary day of the week and I don't complain that Garfield isn't moving the plot. So I guess that's a good defense for the Chewbacca hang-gliding from a corpse chapter. Although that sentence is also a good defense for that chapter. Why wasn't that scene in the movie "Solo"?

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #61 (Third Thursday of January 2026)

E!TACT #61
Batman: Shadow of the Bat #13, Invasion: Book One, Eclipso: The Darkness Within #1, Cerebus #39, and Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!!
By Grunion Guy

Comic Book Reviews!


Why's that balding guy wearing Batman's outfit under his suit?

Batman: Shadow of the Bat #13 (June 1992)
By Alan Grant, Norm Breyfogle, and Adrienne Roy

I don't know how people do it. How they begin a new life in middle age or later, I mean. Not that I'm considering that! It's just this story about a drunk who lost everything and wound up living on the street who accidentally learns Batman's secret identity got me thinking about it. The man in the story lost his family and business and turned to alcohol before becoming homeless and while that's one hardship I can hardly imagine, the thought that's actually burning uncontrolled through my brain right now is how somebody young losing their twenties and maybe even their thirties to drugs and alcohol and a transient life ever feels that life can actually be anything more. I'd constantly feel sad and hopeless about the life I had lost and the futureless life ahead of me. Maybe I'm looking at it through the eyes of a bit-too-old-for-change man. I once found myself convinced that I was a lost soul living on the street who had made up my actual life as a delusion to feel better about my actual circumstances. But that's because I was on a fuck-ton of psychedelic mushrooms and waiting in a strip club parking lot for my friends to emerge. I think I'd be bitter and angry constantly. I can't imagine I'd ever find a way to improve my life, partially because I'd think, "Why bother? I've already lost so much time."

I wonder if what I just described is how angry incels feel about all the years they've wasted online, missing out on actual experiences? I mean, they're bitter and angry, right? Do they also feel hopeless? Is that why they become so nihilistic? I wish they could find joy in something. But where do you start when you think the world has turned its back on you?

Now all the Wayne Industries security guards think Bruce Wayne was at a gay club all night.

Pretty sure Bruce Wayne wasn't supposed to be the one yelling "A trick!" in that panel above. Also his arm makes it look like he just chugged some Gingold.

Anyway, that houseless dude saw Batman's face when his mask was torn off in a fight with Johnny Zero (just some guy named Johnny with a shirt with a 0 on it). He recognized him immediately and thought, "Hey! This will help me turn my life around! I'll sell Bruce's information to the underworld!" And he tries but he's just a nobody with a secret and as everybody knows, especially terrible, awful people, the cops aren't going to investigate when a nobody turns up dead. When Mr. Nobody (not the Doom Patrol villain for whom I'm still deciding whether or not to sue Grant Morrison for identity rights) tries to sell Batman's secret to some guy named Doc Creasey, he winds up stabbed in the back for his trouble. Doc Creasey decides that the next night he's going to hold a 1992 Zoom Meeting to auction off Batman's secret identity. But Mr. Nobody doesn't die in the alley he was tossed; he wakes up just long enough to see Batman swinging through the morning sky and thinks, "I may have fucked up my entire life but that guy's got purpose. I should probably tell him what I did so he can get Doctor Fate to erase the mind of Doc Creasey." So he drags himself to Wayne Industries (or Enterprises? I don't know!) and confesses.

"I do it for the massive erection I get from breaking bones and punishing criminals!"

Mister Nobody makes sure to die because DC can't have extraneous people running around knowing Batman's secret identity. Luckily, Doc Creasey also dies later because, you know, of what I just wrote. Batman doesn't have to kill him; he just has to interrupt the auction (which actually becomes a kidnapping when The Joker decides he also doesn't want to pay for the secret) where somebody else does the killing for him. Standing amid the corpses of all the people who almost blew his secret identity, Batman thinks, "Another successful job by The Batman!"

The Ranking
I like how this issue told the story of how Batman lies to himself about the reasons why he fights crime when he could live the rest of his life on a yacht surrounded by hot women in bikinis. "Oh, I do it for the nobodies, man! Totally! Not because of my crippling PTSD, childhood trauma, and severe OCD at all! I'm like, um, Superman! Yeah! I do it for truth and justice! Go me!" Okay, Batman. If you want to believe it, I guess I'll pretend to believe it too.

Invasion! Book One: The Alien Alliance (October 1988)
By Keith Giffen, Bill Mantlo, Todd McFarlane, P. Craig Russell, Al Gordon, and Joe Rubenstein

When I first purchased this comic in 1988, I probably gasped at the "80 pages! No ads!" bit. But now that I'm thinking about writing about it, that just sounds exhausting. Good thing I've decided to resurrect my Newsletter format where I barely discuss the comic book, if at all! This'll be a breeze! Let me just type out "The Dominators invade Earth and kill a lot of people." Is that good enough?

No, it's not! Because to my surprise, this is the first comic book in my collection that has Todd McFarlane as the penciller! Holy shit! I didn't think I owned any comic books by him! Did they hire him to draw the Dominators because he was adept at fitting too many teeth in people's mouths? I don't know if Todd was known for that; I'm projecting my knowledge of Rob Liefeld onto Todd. Sorry, Todd! I know you actually grew as an artist over time!

Like, you probably eventually learned how to draw feet, right? Right?!

This comic book written in 1988 begins more woke than any other modern comic book (and I don't mean woke in, like, punching Nazis or Superman being a compassionate role model or whatever weird fucking shit those right wing idiots think woke means): the Dominators themselves declare that Earth is scary frightening because the Earth people's diversity makes them strong. Also probably their meta-genes. Maybe mostly their meta-genes. But they sure do go on and on about how they and the Khunds and the Durlans are basically the monocultures of alien life (I mean each species is a monoculture unto itself and not that all three are mix and match species). So right away, we see a group who thinks of themselves as the superior race in the universe, a group that are all exactly the same and love it that way, show intense fear and hatred for diversity. And also meta-genes!

Let me be clear: it's not the good guys obsessed with the purification of race in this book.

The titular "Alien Alliance" forms with nine different races. Todd McFarlane may have done the pencils with P. Craig Russell doing the inks on this chapter but take a look at this page and tell me if it screams "Keith Giffen" to you? Yes, he did the plot and breakdowns.

Could this page have been part of the breakdowns that Todd basically just redrew? Or traced?!

On closer examination of all the races, I notice the Psions seem to be different than I remember them. Aren't they usually more lizard-like? Is that another race I'm thinking of?! Maybe I'm just remembering all that shit David Icke revealed about the royals.

The first chapter ends with the alliance of nine races formed. The second chapter tells the story of the prisoners. The Dominators want to destroy Earthlings because they fear their potential, especially if they ever begin working together. But the thing that makes them special, the meta-gene, means the Psions want to take as many of them prisoner as possible. To vivisect them and discover their power. Along with whatever humans they can capture (like Adam Strange), they're also imprisoning any other aliens who try to fight back. This includes Brainiac of L.E.G.I.O.N. and all of the Omega Men who weren't killed while being captured. Adam Strange has been imprisoned with the normies but he wants to break out and find the place where they're keeping those with powers in the hopes to recruit them for a revolution against their keepers. This all takes place as the Dominion and their allies move the fleet within range of Earth's system to begin their assault.

Yeah, okay. This isn't Keith Giffen's work. Sure, sure. Todd did this. *WINK*

The invasion begins in Australia because the only super heroes there are gay and there's only like, what, two of them? I meant "gay" literally there and not in "lame". I am not an immature dweeb from the '80s. I mean, I was. But I'm not now! They easily defeat Australia to set up their base of operations. I think I remember the aftermath of some of this in Justice League International.

Chapter Four is both penciled and inked by Todd McFarland and, well, yeah it is.

Yep. Checks out!

Sixty-seven pages in and there hasn't been an appearance by a single super hero. Unless you count The Omega Men which, of course, you don't. Also Adam Strange but, I mean, you know what I mean.

A few pages are devoted to The Spectre being told by the Lords of Order not to interfere or else the Lords of Chaos might join up with the aliens. I thought The Spectre works for God not the Lords of Order? Not that it matters since the Lords of Order are basically concerned that if any magic wielding being participates in the defense of Earth, the Lords of Chaos may see it as interference and give them a right to interfere too. But if the Lords of Order have the option to interfere, why don't the Lords of Chaos interfere? What do they care about maintaining balance? They're chaos, man?! The Spectre seems to think he has to obey orders from the Lords of Order (oh? Is that why they're called that? They can order people around?!) so he rushes off to make sure none of the magic heroes take part in this battle. Boring!

Page 73 gives us the first appearance of an actual hero (The Spectre is not a hero. He's God's Vengeance or some nutty shit): Tasmanian Devil. See? Gay! The rest of Earth's heroes are told to stand down until they hear the Dominator's demands. When they come, they're told to stand up because Earth isn't giving in to the demands which are to give up the heroes. So politicians decided to fight instead of backing down and allowing fascists to take over? That's the most unbelievable part of this story so far!

The Ranking!
Was this 80 pages of prologue? I think this was 80 pages of prologue! The most exciting part of the story was when The Omega Men were battling the alien alliance and you know how exciting I found that? I'll let you know by telling you this: there's a fucking reason I don't own Lobo's first appearance. Because The Omega Men comic book looked like it sucked assholes! I don't know if it did but I saw it on the shelves month after month and I thought, "That looks stupid." Yeah, I know I'm the stupid one now because my favorite character of all time, Lobo (maybe tied with Ambush Bug), wound up appearing there first and I could have owned that shit off the shelf! Although luckily, for no reason at all, I was collecting DC Comics Presents back then so I do have Ambush Bug's first appearance! Yay for young me actually doing one thing fucking right!

I didn't realize that was an actual plastic diamond on the cover until I re-scanned it because the first scan was out of focus. Because of that fat old diamond.

Eclipso: The Darkness Within #1 (July 1992)
By Keith Giffen, Robert Loren Fleming, Bart Sears, Randy Elliott, and Mark Pennington

Hey! My Eclipso: The Darkness Within comics! Now I can box them with the Eclipso comic run (which was a huge mistake because they just couldn't get the tone right. Man, the concept fell apart so fast!)! It's kind of insane that my boxes of comic books have absolutely no organization to them. I think they're mostly by when I bought them and shoved them in the box. These probably haven't seen the light of day for thirty years!

Let's get this out of the way immediately and also this might not be a long review so I want to make sure I say this: I could not stand Bart Sears' art at this time. Everybody looks like they're roided out and constipated (just look at the cover!). In 1992, I had yet to cultivate my comic book tastes so I just purchased comics featuring whatever comic book character I liked and/or whatever huge Summer Event DC was trying to sell me. Eventually, I began to buy comics based on the writers and, less often, the artists. I'm not sure I ever refrained from buying a comic because I didn't like the artist but I definitely didn't buy comic books because I couldn't stand the writer. But that was a short period of years between "buy anything with characters I'm interested in" and "buy every single book DC publishes". The period between those two moments were the only time that I read a majority of Marvel books. Because all of the writers I loved had gone to Marvel!

The story begins in 1890 when Bruce Gordon (at least I'm assuming it's Bruce Gordon? Does he gain immortality when infected with the black diamond?), apparently travelling on the same boat as Joseph Conrad traveled on that served as inspiration for Heart of Darkness, braves the jungles of Africa to find the legendary Black Diamond (which is called "The Heart of Darkness"). He finds it, kills his partner, has the gem cut up into 1000 tinier gems, and, well, that's the prologue! 100 years later, we learn about Eclipso's secret base on the Dark Side of the Moon which we know means that the sun never shines on it. Because if the sun did somehow shine on the Dark Side of the Moon, which it totally doesn't, not ever, Eclipso would be destroyed. Luckily, at least in the DC Universe, the sun never shines on the Dark Side of the Moon. Somehow.

Oh, that's how. It's just a deep crater with anti-sunlight technology.

Valor is the first person to discover Eclipso's evil lair on the Evil Side of the Moon in Evil Crater. Probably because DC really wanted to make Valor happen. Did it work? I don't fucking remember. I know I bought in, at least for a little while. I own the first issue of his series if not a few more after.

Valor's easily possessed within Eclipso's palace which gives Eclipso an idea: invite all the other heroes to his house for a possession party! Or maybe just use Valor to go out and possess more heroes. Eclipso makes sure to mention how Valor's obviously more powerful than even Superman so the fans would be all, "Oh? I should check out this Valor guy! Is he starring in his own book yet?!" The answer to that question was "No! But wait until September! Hoo boy, it'll be the biggest event since the Death of Superman! I mean it'll be the biggest event until the Death of Superman!"

Bruce Gordon appears next and he's obviously not the guy from 100 years before because even though he has exactly the same roided out and constipated body type, his hair color is different. Bruce studies the black diamond to try and figure out how it's attached to making him turn into Eclipso when he stubs his toe or gets cut off in traffic. But he just can't figure it out. Until it begins to react like a sperm attracted to a hot, sexy egg. It swims to the edge of the petri dish so Bruce concludes that it's trying to get somewhere. Bruce takes it along like a little sperm bloodhound and they head out to find a sexy ovum.

Oh yeah! Baby making time!

Actually it's murder time. But you probably guessed that because the picture that should have been a sexy naked lady was an angry Eclipso-faced and fully dressed woman with a knife. My erection nearly flagged when I saw that. But then it just got harder for some reason? Hmm, I'll just note that down to discuss with my therapist.

Bruce finds a second Black Diamond on the woman possessed by Eclipso after he defeats her by shining a flashlight at her. How was this a huge summer event if Eclipso can be defeated by pointing a three dollar light at him? Oh, wait. I remember. Gordon's little gizmo actually produces "sunlight" or something. That's why there was an earlier scene to show that his flashlight's bulb was burnt out so he had to take his special Anti-Eclipso light gun.

But now that Bruce has found two Black Diamonds, he realizes Eclipso has been planning something way bigger than just fucking with him by turning him into a murderer whenever he's slightly irritated. Little does Bruce know, there are 998 more Black Diamonds out there waiting to make people murder each other! I'm sure glad DC didn't have 998 monthly titles or they definitely would have tried to make everybody buy 998 stupid Annuals in the summer of 1992.

If only The Phantom Stranger hadn't been too busy polishing his thirty pieces of silver, he could have stopped this whole event and saved me so much money!

Eclipso takes over The Creeper next as a test case. Unless Eclipso just wants to gather up the most irritating heroes he can find. Maybe one of each? He's got boring and irritating. So next he's going after most powerful with Superman. But thanks to Bruce Gordon, leading expert in solar sciences, Eclipso's defeated before he can trick Superman into picking up the Black Diamond and getting angry. Although does Superman get angry? I guess it depends on who's writing him at the time.

The Ranking
The reason Eclipso has been tormenting Bruce Gordon all these years and not living up to his full potential is that Eclipso wanted to delay the advancement of solar sciences and solar energy and LaserTag equipment that mimics the sun's rays. The sun's light, being the only thing that can hurt or defeat Eclipso, had to be kept where it couldn't hurt him: 93 million miles away. Which actually makes you wonder: what good would an Eclipsoed Superman be? Superman's full of yellow sun energy so can he even be turned? Or can he only be turned when he has none left and then what? He's as useless as Jimmy Olsen! I don't think Eclipso thought through going after Superman first. I don't remember if Superman ever does get possessed but it probably doesn't happen in the next chapter of this story: Superman: The Man of Steel Annual #1. That's because Superman probably had like four different annuals in the summer of 1992 and it wouldn't be great if he were possessed right from the start. I was going to say I'll never find out because why would I have the Superman: Man of Steel Annual #1 but you know what? Seems like I really went for this event in 1992! Looks like I've got most, if not all, of the annuals! Oh boy¡ I used the upside-down exclamation point to indicate that I'm actually the opposite of excited.

Dave Sim was making fun of Image artists a decade before Image existed! Except Sim can draw a mean fucking foot.

Cerebus #39 (June 1982)
By Dave Sim

When I last read Cerebus, the story was in the middle of Petuniacon, a Comic-con-like convention to highlight the candidates for Prime Minister. The candidates running are Cerebus, Lord Julius, Elrod, and K'cor. Cerebus wants to be Prime Minister because Astoria wants him to be Prime Minister. At some point, his ambitions were hijacked by Astoria and I'm not sure when (if ever) he really regains control of his life. Once he's put on this course, he's too lazy or stubborn to change direction. It's possible he tries during Jaka's Story but once his life as a houseguest falls apart thanks to the Cirinists, he once again loses his free will as he feels compelled to destroy Cirin. He probably has a few more chances to do his own thing and go his own way but he's way too easily manipulated by other people, either directly or simply by their influence. Last issue he almost broke free from Astoria's grip when he attempted to murder Elrod but she stopped him because killing Elrod wouldn't be politically expedient. Although it would have been satisfying.

I think they would have been saying, "I say, I say, son, that white-skinned boy sure is leaking a lot of red stuff. Blood, that is."

Mr. Blakely drops by and patronizingly ushers Astoria out of the room. Not many people can tell Astoria what to do but Blakely makes sure she realizes that he could easily run for Prime Minister himself and then where would she be? Without a dank little aardvark to manipulate? Blakely, of course, thinks that he's manipulating events for the benefit of the Church of Tarim. He needs to find the right candidate to rally behind to either turn everything around (as the city is falling apart and the Church has self-exiled for the time being, seeing abhorrent prophecies everywhere) or become a patsy. Everybody Cerebus meets tends to think Cerebus is a patsy so, um, Blakely's probably headed in that direction. The only problem is that Cerebus is some kind of magickal, talismanic figure which fate and prophecy can't seem to touch.

Before they even begin to discuss whatever business Blakely wants to broach, Lord Julius walks through in a towel to borrow the bath. Cerebus takes it in stride. Blakely near pisses himself. Lord Julius does the thing where he confuses the fuck out of everybody around him, calls for a taxi in the middle of the Ambassador Suite, and then disappears. The taxi driver arrives moments later through the front door while The McGrew Brothers come in through the back. It's pure chaos because, again, Cerebus is some kind of magickal, talismanic figure which not only can fate and prophecy not seem to touch but which also sews chaos in his wake. Oh, and the taxi driver turns out to be The Moon Roach.

Kevitch is basically Khonshu.

We learned previously that Dirty Drew seems to be so super attractive that even Astoria tried to fuck him. That's why the voice in Moon Roach's head notices how hot he is.

After Elrod barges in to brag about replacing Cerebus as the Ranking Diplomatic Representative of Palnu (and Cerebus beats the shit out of him, proving he's a more capable warrior than Elrod) and The Regency Elf admits she wrote the graffiti about Cerebus peeing in the sink, Blakely's seen enough. He winds up agreeing to write a letter of recommendation for Cerebus as Prime Minister even though, after every person barged in, he thought he could use that as an excuse to not recommend Cerebus. But Cerebus reacted correctly each time, barely fazed by any of it.

The Ranking!
We're still early days in Cerebus's 300 issue run when it's still fun and chaotic and carefree. Sim's a master at these early days of his storytelling where most of the characters are mostly one note (and often caricatures of other characters or famous people). This allows him to play up how Cerebus is the only character with any real free will and, I imagine, it's what helped him move the story along. In any situation, Sim knows exactly how Lord Julius will act or Astoria or Elrod or The Roach. They're barely two-dimensional. They're punchlines with straight narratives. But it's how Cerebus reacts to each of them in every scene that builds Sim's story and keeps Sim guessing as to how he's going to continue. Sure, he's definitely plotted a lot of this out. He's a master notetaker who pretty much knows the beats of the story. But that's all built around how Cerebus will surprise him in any give situation as he comes up with every new plot point. Or how Judaism and Islam and Christianity would absolutely surprise Sim when his plans for the end of the series went from a parody reading of The Bible by a selfish, ignorant barbarian aardvark to Sim's own interpretation of Genesis (by way of misogyny and conservative beliefs). "Surprise!" said the religions of the Book, "You're penultimate story won't be funny anymore! It'll be a long, boring trudge of a read as you explain that there were two Gods in The Bible, one good male one and one evil female one! What a genius to be the only person in all of history to understand how the pronoun used for God was actually two different pronouns discussing two different gendered Gods! Not crazy at all!"

It's possible I've forgotten a lot of that penultimate run of Cerebus and I'm miscategorizing some of it. If that's so, I apologize to Dave. We'll see for sure whenever I get that far into the series again! But before then, lots and lots of great plots, genius characters, and loads of laughs! Especially when Oscar Wilde lays dying for ten issues! Ha ha ha! So good!

Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!

Electric Salsa (Baba baba) by Off (1986)
After some initial "Baba baba"s and a single line, this song begins with a simple Casio beat while a guy clears his throat, blows a load, and then takes a shit. Don't worry if that was your favorite part because he'll do it again later after the Casio horns and some rather tepid verses. I find it hard to criticize the lyrics as they're in English and singer slash DJ was German (Sven Väth). You can't (or at least, I can't!) shit all over a guy because the lyrics he wrote in a non-native language are simple and trite! I mean, I'm pretty sure English was Rebecca Black's native language and I never got on her case about the trite lyrics in "Friday"! I just listen to it and dance and sing along! Also this was released in 1986 which was practically the stone age for electronic dance music. So you probably have to forgive the simple Casio sounds and one note beats, right? Although Seth could have been a little more honest about his dance groove and named it "Electric Ketchup" instead of "Electric Salsa" because there ain't a bit of heat in this tune. At one point, he refers to himself as the Master of Salsa and I would have laughed out loud if I wasn't dancing so hard. Doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie bah bah!
Grade: B-.

Moron's Moron by Scratch Acid (1986)
A bassy intro leads into a song which sounds like it could have been the B-side off a single of "Black Dog Runs at Night" by Angelo Badalementi, David Lynch and the Thought Gang. For a band labeled as "noise rock", I was surprised to find less noise and more music. Sure, there's screaming and an intense bassy build up. But you don't say you play "noise rock" and then make me listen to actual music. What the fuck, man? If this is "noise rock" then isn't all music "noise rock"? Maybe I just don't understand the definition of the genre. Should I look it up? It could just mean "music in which you can't understand any of the lyrics except the word 'fucking'". Oh, check out this line from the definition of "noise rock" on the Wikipedia page: "The term 'noise rock' is a portmanteau of 'noise' and 'rock' music." Wow! I never would have fucking imagined! I'm so glad that's cleared up. Ultimately, I don't give a shit about pretentious portmanteaus masquerading as ever more specific names to describe a piece of music. What did Douglas Coupland call it in Generation X? "Musical Hairsplitting."
     Overall, for a band named Scratch Acid playing a genre specifying that it's at least half composed of "noise", this was pretty fucking good. If I could open a worm hole, I'd take a cassette of Scratch Acid and hurl it back to 1986 to hit dopey fourteen year old me in the face so maybe I'd discover at least some interesting music.
Grade: B+.

Han Solo at Stars' End by Brian Daley (1979)

I read this book as a kid because Han Solo was super cool. I reread this book as an adult because I found it in my mother's basement and also because Han Solo is super cool. It stars Han Solo and his dog which he taught to fire a crossbow. That seems dangerous but what is danger to Han Solo? It is like an oyster before doing it.

While reading this book, I kept thinking, "Why hasn't anybody made a novelization of Garfield?" Not like the whole Garfield series is one book. But maybe one book per week of strips. I would buy that exciting book. Sometimes when I read a Garfield comic strip, I think, "This would make a terrific movie script if it were padded out a bit and introduced some exciting new characters, like a hamster that is a spy and a sexy cat that is a sexy spy." But since nobody has done that yet, I would recommend this book because it stars super cool Han Solo.

Batman: Shadow of the Bat #12 (May 1993)

The brown boundary's an odd choice.

The Cover
"I'm not negative! You're negative!"

Oh, sorry. That was just the right side of my brain yelling over the corpus callosum at the left side of brain because the left side keeps trying to stop the right side of my brain from writing a long fucking rant about how much it's begun to hate Brian Stelfreeze's painted covers. If only I hadn't gone out and purchased more issues of this comic book I could have lived the rest of my life thinking I kind of liked them. Except maybe that one that had Calendar Man sniffing Killer Moth's farts. I guess the left side of my brain, the side that apparently suffers from delusion and guilt, has convinced itself that it still likes them but only theoretically. The problem is that it refuses to come to terms with all the non-theoretically problems with the cover that the right side of my brain keeps listing, quite loudly. "Why is one-quarter of the cover just some weird fucker's face?" my brain bellows inside my skull. "And why does he have ink smudged all over it? Is it because he's actually a dictionary transforming into a man? The definition 'cadaver' turning into Mortimer Kadaver?!" It won't fucking let up. Meanwhile the left side of my brain is all, "Oh, come on. It's no worse than a knock-off Choose Your Own Adventure book. Remember the Which Way books? Those were a lot of stupid fun, right?"

"Fuck you! Fuck you and your stupid fucking electrified pink meat, you sad half a sack! The art on Which Way books was way better than Choose Your Own Adventure books! And also, stop changing the fucking subject because Brian Stelfreeze is a fucking hack! Why does Batman have long, sharp fingers?! And no thumbs? And we've seen that arched back look with that grimace on the face of the meat puppet we pilot too many times to think Batman's not getting a broom handle up the ass!"

"But the shadow hands grasping at him are fun, right? And his muscles are so shiny! What about the brown border? We like that effect, right?"

"Suck my fucking neurons, you dope! This cover is clunky, crowded, and makes no fucking sense. Also, where's the Flea? Don't call this issue 'The Human Flea' and not give me some sweet flea action."

My head was beginning to hurt at this point so I choked myself until I passed out. When I came to, I figured I'd discussed the cover enough and moved on to the story.

The Story So Far
Some kid donned a flea costume to rob convenience stores and bars so he can save his grandfather's flea circus which nobody fucking cares about because it's 2026. I mean, it was 1992 when this story came out but that's still closer to people not giving a shit about flea circuses than people caring about flea circuses. Batman began sniffing around so his grandfather told him to knock that shit off and he said he would. But there's a second issue (this one!) so I'm guessing he won't quite quit yet. Also, a man named Kadaver has escaped from prison because he's about to die. But before he dies, he wants to kill everybody else in Gotham so nobody will sing a song about how great it is that he's dead. I mean, you just can't risk it, you know? His plan is to kill everybody by unleashing a plague. And you know how plagues are spread, right? Pubic lice! I mean fleas! So the stories will probably merge sometime during this issue.

The Story
The issue begins with Kadaver heading over to the flea circus because he apparently knows how plagues are spread too!

"Closed." Yeah, no shit.

The idea that a flea circus might play a significant role in a story in 1992 is the first thing in this series that made me think, "I wonder how old Alan Grant was when he wrote this?" I figured he must have been like 80 to think this was a good plot point. He was 43. He died in 2022 at 73. I am now sad. Partly because I love a lot of Alan Grant's work but more partly because that's only 19 years away for me. And I've been doing this blog for 15 years. So, um, I'm like so close to death! Eep! Stupid mortality!

In an effort to forget whatever I was just writing about, I kept reading the story.

Kadaver robs Kemp, the owner of the flea circus. Not that Kemp has any money. But he does have thousands and thousands of fleas! I guess that means Batman will have to work with The Flea to stop the spread of the plague because The Flea is such a fucking expert on, you know, fleas. I probably speculated that during my last review, right?

Kadaver kills the old man Kemp before he and Bodie steal his fleas and flee over the rooftops for some reason.

They drove up in a car. What the fuck are they doing dancing across the roofs?!

Oh wait. Sorry, that's obviously Batman. He just came back to spy on Kemp because he suspected the old man wasn't telling him the whole truth. Kadaver and Bodie are leaving by car down below.

It's a good thing Batman has nothing better to do than to torment an old man whom Batman decided was lying to him. It's not like Gotham is rife with violent crime that he could be putting a stop to. Fucking dick.

Batman thinks exactly what I thought but a little more forgiving of himself.

Fortunate for who? Kemp's dead!

Batman just thinks he's fortunate because he spies Kadaver leaving Kemp's place. He just assumes Kadaver's working with The Human Flea because he doesn't check in with the old man. Why should he? He knew the guy was lying about something, right? He must be complicit!

Before Batman can hurl a batarang at Bodie's head giving him a life-altering concussion, The Flea attacks Batman. He saw Batman on the roof out of the window as he cradled his dead grandfather and assumed Batman killed him even though everybody knows the main thing about Batman is that he doesn't kill. Does everybody know that? Is that a secret Batman keeps tight to his chest? I don't think it is. I think he's constantly telling anybody who'll listen that he doesn't kill. And a young guy like The Flea? He really should know that. Although he does live with an old man who runs a flea circus. Maybe he's not up on all the current Batman lore that the cool kids know.

Kadaver and Bodie get away while Batman deals with The Flea.

It's rare for Batman to ask questions before breaking many, many bones.

Anyway Batman realizes that The Flea wants to help catch his grandfather's murderer and Batman eventually accepts his help but with the caveat that he's still going to jail later for, I don't know, daring to kick Batman in the face, I suspect. Luckily Batman read Kadaver's lips before Batman was kicked in the face by The Human Pubic Louse which, if anybody else had seen happen, would ensure that Catwoman would never kiss him again. He learned that Kadaver was headed to that huge lab in Gotham where they experiment on all of the animals. I think it's called Wayne Industries Labs. Or something. Don't listen to me. I'm a liar.

Breaking News!
Listen: Scott Dilbert has died and while he'd probably like to be remembered for his comic strip, he made the decision to be remembered for making racist comments and embracing a terrible ideology. He got more attention for being an asshole so he embraced being an asshole. Now that he's dead, people only remember that he was an asshole. Even the people mourning him don't care about his life's work. They just care that he was on their side.

Don't be a Scott Dilbert.

That's a warning for all the likeable people. I'm still going to be an asshole because somebody needs to look like an angry piece of shit to shame these MAGA assholes (which, often enough, are simply Conservatives at this point) as often as possible and I don't mind taking that bullet. If the people I despise think of me as an asshole when I die but the people I love remember me for the joy and whimsy and absolutely fucking amazing book and comic book reviews I've done, I'm good with that. I am a light in the dark, full of happiness and joy and overwhelming positivity and hope, but only for those I love. I will burn and bite and rip and tear anybody who embraces hate, anybody gatekeeping the pursuit of happiness for those they deem too different. Suck it, haters!

Hmm. Um. How do you return from breaking news? I guess the opposite?

Fixing Olds!
Kadaver, Bodie, and the two punk guys who seem to be more into nihilism than animal rights break into that lab I mentioned. The punk guys free all of the animals while Bodie and Kadaver head into the wing where they keep all of the deadly pathogens that would decimate the population if they ever got out. I'm sure they're storing them for positive and uplifting research reasons and not because they're planning on selling them to the military. I'm sure there's a great and logical reason that they need all of those deadly pathogens stored away for the future. I mean, no big deal killing off every Passenger Pigeon or Dodo Bird but you don't want to make the Bubonic Plague or Small Pox completely extinct, right? I bet the reason has to do with glaciers and how they're just gigantic storage units for deadly viruses and bacteria so we might someday need these ones we know about to make a vaccine or something. I'm not a scientist so I don't know all the smart reasons scientists do stupid things. I generally just assume the reason for those stupid things is because they're in bed with the American military, shrug, and go play video games.

I wish Hush's identity had been Tommy Azzman.

Bodie only now realizes that Kadaver's plan is to infect the fleas and send them out into Gotham to infect everybody. Bodie isn't into mass murder so he stands up to Kadaver and gets shot. Kadaver escapes with some Bubonic plague while The Flea captures the punk guys and Batman beats the shit out of Bodie. I mean questions Bodie as he dies in Batman's arms. To be fair to Batman (which I absolutely don't need to be because, you know, ACAB), he tells Bodie to shut up while he gets an ambulance but Bodie is all, "No, no. I accept that my time is over. And for my last noble act, I will tell you all of Kadaver's plans and the location of his cemetery lair. Cough, cough. Die."

Batman figures out where the best place in Gotham to release the fleas for the maximum spread of the plague by doing detective work and he manages to get there in time, killing all the fleas in the process. So Batman does kill! After that, he finds Kadaver about to kill himself and prevents the suicide. Not for good or compassionate reasons, of course.

Holy Christ. What a dick.

Kadaver's about to die painfully from a brain tumor, probably suffering for weeks, all while in the non-comfort of a prison cell. So Batman saves his life just so he's forced to endure that as punishment? Come on, dude. Let the guy kill himself! This is just absolute sadism on Batman's part.

The final panel of the comic book has Batman mocking Kadaver because not only is he going to jail but he's about to be hounded by animal rights groups for being "complicit in the murder of 50,000 fleas." Hopefully Batman was also hounded by these animal rights groups for the rest of the run of Shadow of the Bat. If there wasn't at least one panel in every issue after this where somebody's throwing red paint on Batman or mocking him while wearing a flea costume, I'll just assume that reality hates me.

The Ranking!
Batman played a minor role in this story. He stumbled onto The Flea while going to investigate the prison break out. Then he stumbles on the escapees when he goes to check on his suspicions about The Flea. His presence at the time the grandfather dies causes The Flea to miss the actual killers (thinking Batman killed the grandfather when he probably would have heard or seen the car in a few moments), stalling The Flea's potential ability to stop Kadaver himself. Batman was entirely unnecessary in this whole business and probably just made thinks worse overall. Plus he tortures a dying man for the pure and simple pleasure he gets out of punishing people. As if not existing anymore is less of a punishment than the process of dying from a brain tumor. Hmm, you know, it probably is, really. There's a reason people want to end their own life when they've got a terminal and painful illness. That was directed at Batman because I think he needs to hear it. Wasn't one of the whole points of Robin to help Batman learn compassion? Or, maybe, Batman just adopted Robin so he could have a kid he could punish for not obeying him. Batman really gets off on punishing people.

Postscript Review: Tom's Crossing by Mark Z. Danielewski (2025)

I forgot to talk about the title of the book! Is it important? Maybe, especially since E.L.M. deliberates on the appropriate title near the end. So, um, let's go?

Tom's Crossing (the crossing and not the name of the book which is why it's not italicized there!) is the destination where Kalin plans to free the horses. In many ways, it's just an arbitrary point on a map. It's two old posts at the boundary between the Porch property and the Bureau of Land Management acres. The posts used to be a barrier with a gate between them and a fence continuing on. Now it's a passage. But it's also a funnel of sorts in that Kalin specifically wants to take the horses through those two posts. In that way, it sort of becomes not just a point in space but a point in time. It's both the place where the horses will be free and the place where the inevitable confrontation between Kalin and the Porches will take place. On one side of Tom's Crossing sits civilization and rules and the Mormon Church and horses are saddled and reined and every word in the book takes place. On that side, everything is constrained. On the other side, everything is free: the horses, the ghosts, the mountain, the land, and Danielewski's story. The posts are like the covers of the book. Within the book, the story is constrained. The words have been set. This is how things happen. Once past Tom's Crossing, once the story is over, the story becomes free of constraint, free of typesetting, free of, say, the author's explicit control over it. Past Tom's Crossing, once the story is over, once the book is done, that's where all of the art projects based on the story live. Okay, sure, they live in the story. But they're examples of how the story becomes free and becomes everybody's and nobody's and it's own body.

One piece of evidence that this isn't just speculation and this is indeed what Mark was thinking about, during the 2031 art show, he has a visitor to the gallery speculate on the meaning of the name Tom used for the crossing. She explains that Tom backwards is "Mot", the French word for "word". Not just the horses are running free but the words, or the story, as well. In a lot of ways, this book felt like Danielewski talking about House of Leaves and how it generated such a long life of discussion after it was published. I think he knows this book won't cause that same kind of discussion. Many of the things "the audience" discusses within the book are things nearly nobody would pick up on as important bits of the story. He plays up mundane plot points as moments of intense scrutiny by those who know the story. It's gobsmacking if you take this story as merely the story being told. But if Danielewski's discussing what happened with House of Leaves (and, of course, other stories; all stories), it feels absolutely spot on how people reacted across the years to this story that took place in 1982. Also, House of Leaves was published March 7, 2000. The first art gallery exhibition of the Tom's Crossing art took place one week before that on February 29th. Coincidence? Well, if this were actual life, I'd say yes. But this was written by a person so, um, obviously not!

You can apply this theory of what Tom's Crossing means to many other themes in the book. Like, taking the quote from my review, Art with a capital A. The crossing is the passport to beyond the stars. It's knowledge and freedom and expression. It's also guarded by those who want to subjugate and control and kill. Often for the pettiest of reasons. The unimaginative and joyless will use any reason to keep other people (and horses!) from freedom. That freedom, as seen by the "Some of What Happened After" bit, doesn't even have to be anything spectacular. It can be the most mundane life. As long as it's your life.

Tom's Crossing by Mark Z. Danielewski (2025)

This is a story about a horse. Probably two horses. Maybe four. Okay, fine, all horses. It's about the Ur-Horse, probably. But seeing that it's so obviously about horses, it's definitely not about horses at all. That's called being incisive! You can't fool me, Mark Z. Danielewski! I mean, you can't fool me more than once. Or maybe not at all? I'm pretty sure I figured out House of Leaves a long time ago. Also, I don't have to print the word "house" in blue when I'm discussing it because I'm not the obsessive author who's really making life hard for himself book after book. He has to constantly print "house" in blue and alternate orange and green every time he types an "O" and I think he has to print "familiar" in pink and now he's added "ash" to the group by printing that in light gray. I'm sure I missed some. Like isn't "Minotaur" supposed to be red in early editions of House of Leaves? This guy is a maniac. I'm surprised publishing houses are still willing to print his novels. I guess after he agreed to stop his The Familiar series at five books instead of going the full thirty or thirty one like he planned, the publishing houses knew they broke him. Oh! Like a horse! Is that why he wrote a book about horses?

This is a story about stories. Probably two stories. Maybe four. Okay, fine, all stories. It's about the Ur-Story, probably. But seeing that it's so obviously about stories, it's definitely not about stories at all. That's called being incisive! You can't fool me, Mark Z. Danielewski! I mean, you can't fool me more than twice. Or maybe not at all? I'm pretty sure I figured out Only Revolutions a long time ago. Also, I don't have to print the letters "O" in alternating orange and green when I'm discussing it because I'm not the obsessive author who's really making life hard for himself book after book. Or is he just making life hard for his publishers? No wonder they balked at doing thirty or thirty-one versions of The Familiar just because Mark wanted to make each one look like the day on the calendar of the day the story takes place. He probably had so many more stories to tell in that world but the publishers were all, "Dude. You're killing us. Just tell a straight story." Oh! Is that why he wrote a book about stories?

This is a story about life. You can tell because when he mentions the various people who subsequently made art based on the story of Tom's Crossing, he introduces them based on what part of the story you're currently reading. At the beginning of the story, he describes each person by where they were born or how they knew Tom or Kalin in school. Later, as their lives move on, they're described by the various parts of the world they've moved to. Then as the story reaches the climax, every "audience" member, or "reader", or "hearer of the story", is introduced by how they died. And finally, in the denouement, they're described by where their bodies were buried, if at all.

This is a story about The Iliad which, being about horses, you might have guessed. I'm not calling Helen a horse! It's just Troy was a horse loving city! So, you know, you should bone up on The Iliad before reading it. Or not. The "audience" discuss the parallels enough for the actual reader. Maybe!

This is a story about art. You can tell because so much art was produced by third parties who heard the story that two major art exhibits were held for the people whom the story impacted and felt the need to share their feelings through art depicting various aspects of the story. It's a lot like Alan Moore's Jerusalem in that way although in Moore's book, only one person does all the art. But also like in Moore's book, the gallery burns down with all the art inside. It's also during the second art exhibit that this book does something that I have yet to fully investigate and understand. It has something to do with VEM which is never defined (or maybe is defined but I'd need to discover it on a re-read (which I'm not doing any time soon)). Maybe something like Virtual Emotional Memory? Something to do with how the art lost in a fire thirty years previously had been resurrected for the 2031 art show, now in digital recreations, many with Tom's ghost added. This "technology" only mentioned this one time by Cassandra Gatestone in 2031 probably also explains who transcribed the book by the mysterious author "E.L.M." Don't worry! That's pretty much explained by the end of the book!

Oh, on things explained within the book, I'd have to say that Danielewski goes a little too far in offering up answers to mysteries discovered within the reading of the text. Unlike David Foster Wallace in Infinite Jest, Danielewski (or E.L.M., I suppose I should say) explicitly states things that you've figured out as you've been reading, if reading closely. Not all the mysteries, of course! So many mysteries! But enough that I felt a little bit cheated in that I discovered things early on that, by the end, are explicitly revealed.

E.L.M. points out at the end that their choices of words were purposeful at every turn, even when they seemed like typos. Which is really fucking confusing when there are definitely at least a couple of actual typos in this first edition. But one thing that really fucking destroyed my mind while reading this, and which almost certainly isn't a mistake, takes place at a point when the "audience" are being described by how they died. One person in particular is said to have died a certain way and then on the very next page, the facing page, they're said to have died a completely different way. What?! What is going on?! Is this some error in VEM?!

Ultimately, it's a fucking terrific book and possibly the most intense read of my life. Danielewski and/or E.L.M. set up the climactic moment in the slowest, ambling horse's walk they can, that story horse dropping manure of foreshadowing at a steady pace, never quite allowing the reader to hope for the best, never quite leaving the reader in total despair. Just fucking fantastic.

I just want to leave this review with a small excerpt from the 2031 art show where Cal explains some of his thoughts on art to the very, very old woman.

You know what I always said when I was in the art business and people asked me why I wasn't sellin mattresses? Cal asked.

You never had any interest in puttin people to sleep?

That's very good, Cal said, pattin her arm now. He was gettin to like this very, very old woman. Art awakens. That's what I'd tell them.

That gets my attention.

It was just somethin glib I came up with to sound fancy, but now I'm wonderin here, with you, if what I was sayin was that Art, capital A, awakens us not just to the possibility of the whole but, more importantly, to the sensation of the whole, what we can't ever know but maybe now and then can get a glimpse of by how we're made to feel. Our passport to the stars, beyond the stars.

Oh, I guess I won't just leave it at that. I want to point out that this book is also political. Not political in an actual political way. But in a way where terrible people have decided things that make them seem like dicks, things like compassion and equality and diversity and community, are political. It's just another piece of art that makes me think, "Can conservatives enjoy any actual art at all? Ever? Without being judged?" I guess the answer to that question is "No!" which is why they love Fox News and any comedian whose jokes amount to calling a liberal a slur.

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #17 (Fifth Week of March 2018)

E!TACT! #17
"A Reminiscence", Justice League #40, Batman: White Knight #6, Shade the Changing Woman #1, Eternity Girl #1, Action Comics #999, Suicide Squad #37, Justice League of America #26, Detective Comics #976, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, and Grunion Guy's Movie Reviews!
By Grunion Guy

A Reminiscence
By Grunion Guy

My editor, Pickle Boy, was sniffing the hand he just used to scratch his crotch when he said to me, "You know what, Boss?"

He calls me boss because I told him he has to.

"Boss," he said, "Boss, I think you should begin the newsletter with some kind of prologue. Like an essay or a sexy picture of you and your cat or something. You can't just begin with a comic book review that nobody cares about."

"And yet they'll care about some stupid essay which won't have anything important to say because I don't really care about anything at all? I mean, sure, I get what you're saying about the sexy picture though."

"Maybe you should write a story! Everybody loves your stories! Remember how those three junior high school girls in St. Louis went nuts for 'A Really Scary Story' and practically died when you creepily began following them on Twitter?"

"That wasn't creepy! That was cool! I was a star touching them with greatness!"

"You shouldn't say you touched them. I know I dropped out of law school to make sandwiches but I think I remember touching underage girls isn't great," Pickle Boy replied as he put too many onions on my sandwich.

"Hey, can you guys hurry it along, please?" said an old bat waiting to order her sandwich. She was super annoying and probably the villain in this story. I'm sure after she left Subway, she wandered off to poison an orphanage.

"I metaphorically touched them!" I shouted so that everybody stopped eating their sandwiches and crunching their chips and smacking their stupid lips. One of them probably said, "I'll have what he said!" and the audience remembered it forever. "Besides," I continued in my defense against pedophilia, "They're all in college now."

Pickle Boy sighed. He always sighs when I mention college girls. I think it might be because, in college, he did it with one that looked like a 3-D misprint of the hot girl at the local coffee shop (or at least that's what he claims). This was before he went to law school. Most of the girls he asked out in law school would respond, "Are you wearing acid washed jeans?" and then he didn't date them.

"You probably shouldn't talk about it anyway," droned on Pickle Boy. "Why don't you ever talk about your adult male fans?"

"Gross!" I exclaimed! If this script gets turned into a movie and the director decides to place it in the 80s, you could have me say "Gay!" instead of "Gross!" It would probably resonate better with older audience members who will turn to each other and nod enthusiastically while saying, "That's right! We used that word for everything back then!" Then a millennial will shush them and give them some side-eye before subtweeting them in a twenty-six long tweet thread about problematic older people and how they've ruined everything with their talking too loud in Subway shops and anti-pedophilia stances that sound suspiciously like joking about pedophilia. As if they know anything! Maybe they should concentrate on those old women getting pushy in the queue at Subway! They're the real monsters!

"Anyway, Boss," Pickle Boy kept on going. "You should think about it."

And I did think about it! But I decided I didn't have anything to say so I wrote about comic books instead.

The End!

Comic Book Reviews!

Justice League #40
By Priest, Woods, and Sotomayor

In this issue, the Justice League will be battling the Justice League of America. The cover shows them matching up against each other and I thought I'd predict who might win each battle.

Superman vs. Batman: Batman will win because Superman can't use lethal force. He also won't want to hurt Batman by using non-lethal force. But Batman can do whatever he wants to Superman because he knows he can't kill him. So Batman wins simply because the two combatants are fighting using different rules of engagement. And Superman's rules of engagement are lame (no offense to cripples meant!).

Aquaman vs. Black Canary: Black Canary will win because Aquaman has sensitive ears for hearing underwater. So she'll just introduce herself and Aquaman will fall on his knees and yell, "I yield!"

Wonder Woman vs. Vixen: Wonder Woman will win. Although I don't think it's right to show a white woman beating down a woman of color. I just thought I'd say that so everybody knows I'm awakened. Also I truly believe it! Such bad form, DC!

Cyborg vs. The Ray: This is the most even match-up in the group because a white gay male is equal to a black heterosexual male in the world of identity politics. Unless that's both racist and homophobic and then I think The Ray will win because Cyborg is boring.

The Flash vs. The Atom: This could be an interesting battle. How can The Flash outrun what he can't see when The Atom goes subatomic? But how can The Atom get inside The Flash's urethra when The Flash is so quick? Now maybe you see why I'm so excited for this penis. I mean battle!

Both Green Lanterns vs. Killer Frost: This is the "Which characters do I still have to draw?" match-up. It doesn't make any sense to waste two Green Lanterns on Killer Frost. Are we supposed to think Killer Frost can only be contained by two Green Lantern bubble cages? Or are we supposed to think, "Oh yeah! Simon Bax and Jessica Cruz barely even equal one Guy Gardner!" Okay, that's what I'm supposed to think. All the real comic book fans thought Hal Jordan.

The issue begins with the Justice League arguing about how racist they are. In the time it takes for the first word of the first person who begins the debate, The Flash could have evacuated all of the poor people. But he doesn't because he's the biggest racist of them all.

It's still cool to think Lobo is cool, right?

Speaking of how cool Lobo is, does anybody remember that anonymous guy who kept replying to all of my Twat Lobo reviews as if I were the most serious and dedicated reviewer of all time? How could he read any of my reviews and think that I was being serious? I think commenting on the Internet gives you brain damage. He had to be one of Cullen Bunn's friends, right? Or even Cullen Bunn himself?

He responded to my review of Justice League of America Rebirth #1 with this:

[First quoting me] "Lobo, like Rorschach, transcended the authorial criticism inherent in his creation!"

Transcended, no. Becoming the very thing he was supposed to condemn? Definitely."

First off, I ended that quote with an exclamation point! That's the first clue that I'm being a hyperbolic fanboy! What's worse is that I don't think he read the next few lines: "Also he looks super cool and sexy, wears radical knee pads that don't make any fucking sense, rides a motorbike, looks like he's wearing clown make-up, has a butt-rocker sense of style, and is way into space dolphins. He's the fucking best ever." The idiot can't even see that I'm doing that thing where I'm defending how he transcended the criticism with evidence that exposes that I'm just a stupid fan that loves all the dumb, satiric stuff about him!

Man, that guy was an asshole. I'm sure glad he's not one of my E!TACT Newsletter readers!

Also, I love Lobo so much!

The two Justice Leagues never battle. Granted, the cover just says they "collide" so I guess it's technically not a great big fraud to sell more comic books. Instead of punching each other, they spend most of the issue shitting themselves as the Watchtower plummets out of orbit with them in it. For some reason, Cyborg isn't able to Boom Tube them out and nobody has Doctor Fate's phone number. The Green Lanterns could have saved the day but they went on that mission with Martian Manhunter. Do you remember that because the cover artist didn't.

Rating: This issue was a bit boring. It was mostly everybody arguing about who should get to sacrifice themselves for the greater good. For some reason when Aquaman proclaimed he should, nobody said, "Yeah, yeah. Sounds like a good idea!"


Batman: White Knight #6
By Murphy and Hollingsworth

Rating: I'm fairly certain I missed Issue #3 in this series and I didn't even notice until this week. That might be a critique of this story or a critique of comic books in general. I could probably miss an entire week of books and when I was confused reading the books the month after, I'd merely assume it was my own memory at fault. Every new comic book should come with a reprint of the previous month's book.


Shade the Changing Woman #1
By Castellucci, Zarcone, and Fitzpatrick

I decided to give this series a chance even though I didn't like the character of Shade the Changing Girl and the series is still being written by Castellucci. Maybe now that she's a woman, things will get interesting. If you're an adult, you know what I mean by interesting and I don't have to explain how the birds and the bees makes you feel so good that you can't tell kids about it or else they'll start doing it immediately. You have to say things like, "Do you want to ruin your life with a baby like I did?!" and that might not go over well on your child's mental health further down life's road. Also you don't want to have to hear your child say, "What does masturbation have to do with procreation?!" Then you have to pretend you're angry so you can stomp out of the room and into the kitchen where you keep the dictionary stuffed in the junk drawer. After you've read the definition and sighed with relief that "procreation" doesn't have anything to do with "pro-life" which probably means your masturbating teenager isn't a filthy, disgusting member of the illogical religious right, you can go back into their room and threaten to take the door off its hinges if they won't stop enjoying their bodies in the way you don't want to think about your kid enjoying their body! Then they'll probably say something smart like, "Oh, so you want to watch me?!"

After you finish cleaning up your vomit from the doorway, you decide to do what every adult in the history of adulthood eventually decides to do: live in denial while making your kid do their own laundry. That settles that!

If you're not an adult, you probably didn't understand anything I just wrote and probably shouldn't think about it for too long.

See? Much better!

Rating: I lied. The occasional drawing of a booby doesn't make it better at all. The main problem with this book is that it has too much to say and doesn't ever get around to saying any of it. It acknowledges as many problems with life and identity as it can but never says anything about the way humans deal with those problems. Shade just goes, "Beauty!" Then she sees herself in a mirror as an anorexic and also as somebody with lots of plastic surgery. Then she moves on to say, "War!" Cue the shot of protesters facing off against each other with signs that read "You're wrong!" and "We're right!" on them.

"Whoa!" I think. "I've never thought of it that way! Could you explain a bit more, Shade?"

"NO!" she screams and goes on to say how love can make you sad and happy without any context or emotion. But I'm sure a bunch of readers read that and thought, "Holy fuck! That's exactly what love is like! Man, such good stuff!"

But it isn't. It's trite. Unless I mean tripe. Maybe both?


Eternity Girl #1
By Visaggio, Liew, and Chuckry

This series seemed interesting based on the backup Eternity Girl stories in the Milk Wars saga. But as I typed the creators names, I realized Sonny Liew was doing the art and almost immediately lost all interest while also getting super angry about how terrible his and Paul Levitz's Doctor Fate was.

Why do you keep making me remember bad things, Brain? You're the worst. No wonder I love Penis so much more.

Eternity Girl is suicidal. She teams up with her dead arch-nemesis, Madame Atom, to destroy all space and time since it's the only way Eternity Girl can die. While she's making these plans, she hangs out with her therapist, lying about how she's doing better and she's ready to go back to work. So, you know, like every person who probably committed suicide after which their friends and family all said, "But she seemed so happy and successful!"

Rating: I like this book so far. My only hope is that they don't push the idea that Eternity Girl's sense of meaningless and purposelessness is the main reason she's suicidal. It was brought up a bit but, as we all know (at least, I think we all know if I imagine everybody is just like me in the way my therapist told me I must imagine if I'm to not seem like a sociopath everywhere I go), existential crises don't automatically end in suicide. In fact, embracing the meaningless of it all makes some people (should I say everybody or is that just me projecting myself onto others? What is empathy?!) into much better people. The knowledge that this is all there is and none of it matters can make you a monster or a saint.

I should write a comic book called Saint Monster! Dibs! Or Copyrights! Or Trademarks! Pickle Boy, get to lawyering!

Anyway, suicide often has no other reason than an imbalance of stupid brain chemicals. You hear that, Brain? Nobody ever committed suicide over an imbalance of stupid penis chemicals! And don't blame Penis for getting sexually transmitted diseases! It was Brain's responsibility to prevent those, you idiot. Um, so, you know. I hope the creators don't try to work through Eternity Girl's suicidal tendencies in some way that logically shows why she shouldn't be suicidal. Hopefully she doesn't find that she does matter and then decides she wants to live. I'm more than half hoping (possibly 95% hoping?) that she winds up killing herself and taking us all with her.


Action Comics #999
By Jurgens, Conrad, and Nunes

It took nine hundred and ninety nine comics but Superman finally realized that throwing criminals into the Phantom Zone was a dick move. His first (and possibly only?) step in correcting this attitude is letting Hank Henshaw out. After which Superman immediately imprisons him in an Inertron cell (unless it's Adamantium) and puts him into a hallucinatory state so he won't cause trouble. Jurgens seems to be telling this tale to show that Superman is too good to be corrupted like, in the other half of the story, Sam Lane fears. Instead, it simply shows that Sam Lane is correct. Superman does believe he's above the law. What gives Superman the right to hold a dangerous criminal in captivity without a trial? How is that not exactly what General Lane is talking about when he fears Superman might take control to keep Earth safe?

Although, to be fair, what's Superman supposed to do? He sees how Batman just leaves dangerous criminals to the system and they wind up inside Arkham Asylum's revolving door. If Superman were to let humans deal with the threats he takes care of, it would be irresponsible!

Although, to be fair in a fairer way, Superman's foes always seem to escape just like Batman's enemies. So Superman can either follow the law and the villains he captures will still escape, or he can imprison people illegally while they still manage to escape. Since nobody can keep a comic book villain locked up, Superman should at least choose the option that doesn't make him look like a fascist.

Rating: Most of the comic revolves around Lois and Sam measuring their dicks. That's why Superman and Hank Henshaw have to punch each other for a few pages even though Superman really just wanted to talk with Henshaw. It's weird how characters in comic books can't have a conversation without first punching each other in the face for a few pages. I was really surprised that General Lane didn't smack Lois a few times.

I suppose DC had to make this issue boring so that Issue #1000 will seem extra exciting!


Suicide Squad #37
By Williams, Luis, Tarragona, and Lucas

I keep thinking I'm going to take a few hours to read through all the comic books on the stack but then I read something like Suicide Squad #37 and think, "That was fucking painful. I'm exhausted. Why do I keep doing this to myself?"

Although looking at this cover, I know exactly why I did this to myself. I think in a few minutes, I'm going to do it to myself again.

Ranking: It's possible Captain Boomerang died again this issue. The problem is the "again" part of that statement. I think every person on this team has died and then come back. This isn't the Suicide Squad. It's the Resurrection Squad. This comic books is terrible. I wonder how quickly sales would drop if DC Comics removed Harley Quinn from the team?

Man, I wish they'd remove Harley Quinn from the team.


Justice League of America #26
By Orlando, Mendonça, Vines, Faucher, and Sotomayor

Ranking: Poor, poor Justice League of America. For 25 issues, it had a free pass to be the best comic book DC currently publishes. That time has passed. Lobo has left the team. Although he did keep his JLA teleporter token, so he'll probably make guest appearances when sales begin to dip. The other reason this comic book has just trespassed into terrible territory? The next story features Chronos and begins twenty years from now. If only I had any reason to be optimistic about comic book time travel stories, I would be on the verge of arousal. But comic books have a long history of telling the laziest time travel stories in creation. I bet even The Bible told at least one decent time travel story.


Detective Comics #976
By Tynion IV, Fernandez, and Kalisz

Tynion begins this issue with a character saying, "The future is such a strange concept." The character then goes on to spew shit from his mouth. I know it's shit because it isn't anything that I would have said. What I would have said is, "The future is exactly like the past except we can't remember it for some reason." That makes sense, right? Imagine sitting on a bus. You haven't yet shit yourself and you don't remember shitting yourself. In some sense, you actually think that you won't ever shit yourself on the bus. But after two minutes of thinking, "I won't shit myself on this bus," you shit yourself while on the bus. Most people might think, "I really should have avoided this situation. And I'm sure I could have if I'd taken the proper measures to not shit on the bus." But what they should be thinking is this: "Whelp. I guess I was always going to shit on the bus. It definitely was my fault that I shit on the bus because I shouldn't have done all that crack and eaten all of that three day old chicken vindaloo. But since I was always going to do all of that crack and eat all of that chicken vindaloo, I really had no choice but to shit on the bus."

Not that I believe in fate! I'm just a pragmatist! Unless I mean realist! Unless I really mean idiot. It's just that we can't change the past so we probably can't change the future either. Unless time is like cement. There's probably a window of time where things set and then your course is stuck. But past that window, the cement is still being mixed in the cement truck. That's when you can avoid shitting yourself while on the bus. But once you're on the bus, it's too fucking late, man! You really shouldn't have smoked all that crack vindaloo.

Look, I'm not smart enough to understand time! I can't even understand space! And I don't mean outer space. I mean my own living space! How does one go about creating a life out of these shitty raw materials?! Sometimes I think the only way to get by is to shrug your shoulders, hold your nose, and jump into the deep end of adulthood. There's a certain amount of confidence needed to pretend you're as adult as all the other people doing a really good job of pretending they’re adults. Sometimes I think I'm still in the changing room refusing to take off my underwear so I can get into my swimming trunks.

Does that prove that I don't understand space and time? The fact that I made it into a swimming metaphor? It might actually be pretty apt because I refuse to swim in a public pool. I also refuse to participate wholly in society. I think maybe there are parallels there. Although one of those mostly has to do with how I'm trying to avoid submerging my body in the piss of other people.

Rating: This comic book has too many characters I either don't care about or hate to the bottom of my bowels: Tim Drake, Jean-Paul Valley, Stephanie Cluemaster, Tim Drake, and Tim Drake. I've always considered him the worst Robin. At least when I forget about Jason Todd, I do.

Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!

Memory by Concrete Blonde
Concrete Blonde might be my favorite band of all time. This song is from Group Therapy, an album which came out after I believed they had broken up forever. The Non-Certified Spouse saw it and bought it for me before I even knew it existed. Not long after that, we were having lunch at Marco's Subs on Hawthorne and I picked up a Willamette Week to scan the local clubs to see who was playing. That's when I saw Concrete Blonde was playing at Dante's that night. So that was how I first saw Concrete Blonde live. Apparently at that concert was a friend from high school who had no idea I was living in Portland. She didn't come up to say anything to me and I didn't know she was even there until some months later. A mutual friend on Facebook mentioned she'd seen me at the Concrete Blonde show. It was only then that I remember seeing somebody at the bar who I thought kept staring at me and even sort of thinking, "That looks like Lisa." Turns out it was!
   That was a memory I had while listening to the song Memory!
   None of that has anything to do with this song which is slower than maybe I'd like. But since it's still sung by Johnette, I can't not like it. Her voice is fucking incredible.
Grade: B+.

How You Get the Girl by Taylor Swift
This song begins with Taylor having the most mediocre orgasm. I would have added "I've ever heard" but it's the only one I've heard so far. I think. Anyway, Taylor Swift gives advice on getting girls in this song. The gist of it is this: lie to her a lot. Say stuff like, "I want to be with you all the time!" and "I would wait for you forever and ever, even if you're fucking all of my friends constantly" and "I would rather hold your hand for hours than play Fortnite Battle Royale" and "I'm sorry for having fun without you" and "It's not a chore to make you orgasm after I get mine almost immediately!"
   It's catchy in that way pop songs are catchy.
Grade: B.

Heaven on Their Minds by Carl Anderson
Possibly my favorite song from Jesus Christ Superstar! I just recently found a new Karaoke place that lists this song among their inventory. That means I'll be singing it soon in front of drunk strangers! I have no idea how many times I've seen this movie (at regular speed as well as fast forward while on LSD). I've seen the musical live twice: once with Ted Neely as Jesus and both times with Carl Anderson as Judas. He's my favorite so it makes me happy to have seen him perform before he died. I didn't watch the recent live version of this although I did look up Alice Cooper as Herod to watch his performance on YouTube. I wasn't thrilled about the way he sang the song but I enjoyed watching him play the part. He's my favorite too!
   It's possible I don't know what the word favorite means.
Grade: A+.

All You Had to Do Was Stay by Taylor Swift
Fuck you, iTunes! Your random feature is the worst. Maybe I should just begin skipping songs when iTunes repeats an album in these short lists. Otherwise the list just gets shorter as I forget to talk about one of the songs because I'm too busy cussing at iTunes.
   Anyway, this song is another catchy pop song. Except this one has a bonus feature: every time Taylor Swift says the word "stay" in a high pitched voice, it's like getting an ice pick rammed into the front of your skull!
    I think this song is about a guy who broke up with Taylor Swift (I know all of her songs are about that! I haven't gotten to the bit that makes it different yet! At least I think it makes it different) but he wants to fuck her again. And she's all, "Dude. If you wanted to put your penis in my vagina, all you had to do was [ICE PICK IN MY SKULL]!"
Grade: C.

Interjections by Bob Dorough
This is that Schoolhouse Rock song that everybody my age remembers. I like to sing it as "Expletives."

He cured the infection,
With one small injection,
While Reginal uttered some expletives!
Asshole, that smarts!
Shit! That hurt!
Fuck! That's not fair!
Givin' a guy a shot down there!

But that isn't the best part of the song! The date rape part gets even better!

Though Geraldine played hard to get,
Geraldo knew he'd woo her yet.
He showed his affection
With a meat injection
While Geraldine hollered some expletives!

I guess it isn't as date rapey when I change it to my lyrics. The original song goes like this: "He showed his affection despite her objections while Geraldine hollered some interjections." I think a few of those interjections are "No means no!" and "Help! Rape!" and, of course the last one, "Hey! You're kind of cute!" This song might be Ground Zero for Rape Culture. Did I capitalize too many words in that last sentence? I might be edging into conspiracy theorist territory!
Grade: B- (it's not the best Schoolhouse Rock song but it certainly isn't any Busy Prepositions. Ugh! (Oh look! Interjections!)).

Grunion Guy's Movie Reviews!

Boy
This was the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life up until a certain point that I'm going to spoil in the following sentences and possibly even this one. No wait. It wasn't that one. But soon, I'm sure!
   First off, everybody has New Zealand accents in this film by Taika Waititi. That already gives the movie +75 percentage points in my 1-100% rating system. How can you not love the New Zealand accent? I sometimes wonder how anybody in New Zealand can argue with anybody else in New Zealand. Wouldn't they all just start giggling and feeling good because they're listening to other New Zealand accents? I bet the only time anybody argues in New Zealand is when some stupid Australian steps foot on their island.
    Second off, the characters in this movie make me ashamed of my own personality. Why can't I be written as well as Rocky was written? Or Boy? Or Falcon Crest? Just a spectacular array of characters, with almost all of whom I fell in love, even if they didn't have any lines or much screen time.
   Third off, am I doing a movie review correctly? I feel like I should be smarterer. I mean, third off, Taika Waititi might be the most charming person in existence. The only person more charming is Taika Waititi when he's with either Jemaine Clement or Rhys Darby.
    Now is the part where I spoil the movie! This movie was pure joy and I was thinking, "This is my favorite movie! Do I even know what 'favorite' means? You know what? I don't care! This movie is my favorite." And then the goat was hit by the car and killed. Then all of my joy left me and I cried. I cried a lot. Then after the movie was over, I went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and sobbed. I don't think I sobbed as much as when my cat Judas died but I definitely sobbed more than after the finale of Mad Men. Also, I still don't know exactly why that made me weep snottily. Maybe I'm broken in that way Douglas Coupland warns in Generation X?
    I suppose even with the death of the goat, this movie was better than all the movies. I think maybe the goat was meant to get the viewer over the edge because there was so much low-level sadness in this thing but it was hard to tell it was sad because the accents and the cute characters. But then the goat died and you're left thinking, "Oh yeah. Some of this is really fucking terrible! Fuck you, life! You suck!" But then they all do the Maori dance to that super popular Maori song while dancing like Thriller and everybody is happy again. Also the goat doesn't really die. You have to stick around until the after credits scene to learn that.
Rating: 98%

What Am I Currently Reading?!

I just finished reading Piers Anthony's Apprentice Adept series. The last time I was in Seattle visiting my friend Xan (no relation to the land of Xanth, probably), we began talking about Piers Anthony for some reason. It's when I remembered this series. I told her it was where I first learned the word demesnes and I still didn't know how to pronounce it correctly. She also remembered the book where she learned that word but I don't remember what she said because I don't listen very well.
   Rereading the series was interesting because I'd forgotten how poorly the whole thing ties up (not that it's all tied up! I believe Anthony wrote more stories in this world later. I suppose I'll read those next). At the time we talked about the books, I remembered a couple of things. The main thing was that the characters compete in some elaborate game system where they pick categories to decide what they'll be playing. I didn't remember any of the games except the one where the main character competes against a person playing musical instruments. The other player is better but the main character shows the audience how to tap with their heel instead of their toe because that moves their whole leg. It's the only way white people know how to show excitement while listening to music, I guess. What a revelation though! Tap with your heel? Crazy!
   The main thing I learned from this series is that maybe I don't have enough life left in me to be reading books I've read before. Especially books I read when I was twelve. Why would I take advice from that smelly idiot?!


And that's a wrap on this week's newsletter! Goodbye, jerkos!