Blue Beetle #3

If Jamie leans too far back, he stabs himself in the butthole.

I don't think people realize how easy it is to be a cypher to Internet advertisers because they're always so eager to put their opinion everywhere on the Internet or to like as many things as possible to express their unique personality. The advertisements on my social media sites struggle to come up with anything that might possibly spark a bit of interest in my wallet. I once looked up "Freudian Slippers" because I knew they had to exist and they did. So for months, I'd get advertisements basically saying, "Hey! Hey! Look! You still haven't bought these ugly things! You want 'em? They're still avaialable!" Months ago, I looked up some covers for Peter Milligan's Shade the Changing Man and I'm still getting ads using covers of the comic book. That's about the only bit of my interest advertisers have managed to sink their claws into and they won't fucking let it go. If it's not covers of a comic book I read decades ago and still own (so why would I be interested in the ads?), I just get random products as the Global Advertising All-Brain tries to get me to click on something to find another piece of the me puzzle.

I'd be shook too if the new breakthrough in tanning was rubbing shit on yourself.

I suppose the place that would know my interests best would be Amazon since I do occasionally shop there. Let's see what it's recommending for me today!

"Rules of Civility", We Should All Be Feminists, Exploring Psychology, and some book about becoming a dad? Way to make me feel emasculated, Amazon! At least they got two right: Hitchiker's which I'd never buy because I already own in at least three versions and some book about having an IQ of 84. Although that's a bit high for me, I think I could probably relate.


I can't remember the last time I purchased a Walking Dead book or anything Buffy-related on Amazon. And I've never purchased a Saga book although I do eventually need to having left off with the single issues around the time they met that guy in the lighthouse. I have no idea why they think I want a Joan Crawford movie. But I will take the book of Laura Ingalls' wisdom! She's my fucking favorite!

This issue begins with Jaime sleep-superheroing. It's kind of like sleepwalking but it's when the sentient alien scarab on your back decides you're a pusshole and you haven't been killing enough bad guys. So it takes you out when you're sleeping to throw you into a life-threatening situation where you wake up confused. The scarab takes him into one of the holes that have been appearing in the city and plops him down in front of an army of bug-people. He'll probably kill a few just from being startled awake. I imagine if I woke up in a room full of screaming toddlers, I'd kill a few of them before I fully realized what was going on.

I'm a bit disappointed that the scarab didn't drop Jaime into Blur's bedroom. I'm still hoping those kids engage in a proper fuckfight soon.

As Blue Beetle battles, he begins to speak Old Portugese [sic as seen in New 52 Swamp Thing #5]. I suppose somebody at DC lost the key to the language because the editors let this slip by:

He's saying, "Wait. What the fuck?"

I asked Lord Google "'Josh Red' DC Comics lost job" but didn't get any results. I assume nobody noticed. Good for you, Josh! You're really shaking things up! Don't get too cocky though! Remember that even the great Simon Bisley was fired for drawing a penis in Lobo's arm!

After a brief and confusing battle, the ceiling collapses and Blue Beetle is pulled out of the hole which closes under him. He decides he should probably investigate the problem. I guess that means he'll be joining the Posse and possibly even getting some pussy from Blur. She wants to fuck him so badly.

Meanwhile, Ted Kord is busy building something.

This is probably the same conversationg H.H. Holmes had with contractors.

Jaime stops by to see Ted and Ted is all, "Oh, by the way! Remember how I said Doctor Fate came by to see me? Yeah, well, he wants to kill you." Doctor Fate is afraid the scarab will do that thing to Earth that the scarabs like to do to planets. I think the phrase is "utter destruction."

Teri, Kord's biologist who is trying to figure out how to remove Jaime's scarab (and probably how to put it in Ted!), is currently meeting with Sugar and Spike. I guess somebody has some embarrassing moments from their past they'd like covered up! I'm guessing it has to do with Blue Beetle's time on Justice League International and his friendship with Booster Gold and too much alcohol and a fat cock.

The rest of the comic book is Jaime going around telling people he's going to get a medical check-up and that he might die. They all go, "Well, do you want me to be there?" Why is everybody so eager to see him die?!

There's an epilogue where a Green Beetle is walking around an airport in El Paso killing children. He's probably a bad guy.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm enjoying this comic book but since most of this was just Jaime moping about sleepwalking, I can't classify it as a Don't Miss Thriller!

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: El Diablo and Amanda Waller #6

Amanda Waller either just got a hot poker up the ass or hears the ice cream truck and needs a money.

El Diablo Review!
Diablo was killed by Deadshot last issue. And then Deadshot went home, I guess. But El Diablo can't stay dead because his name is on the cover. The only characters who get to stay dead while their name is on the cover are Deadman and Casper. El Diablo has to come back to life to rescue Azucar. He has to rescue her from Dalesko who is the bad guy, I guess? It feels like this story has had more than six parts. El Diablo went home and battled Bloodlettor. El Diablo fought Parasite in a Luthor building. El Diablo battled alongside Uncle Sam while working for Checkmate. El Diablo had sex with Azucar. El Diablo fought Sin Tzu's mutated monsters of Gotham. El Diablo battled alongside Xolotl the White Martian against the Suicide Squad. So forgive me if I'm a little bit unclear as to who this Dalesko is and what he wants. I mean, the fallen angel that brings El Diablo back to life explains that he's just a guy who wants superpowers. And now he has them because he stole them from Xolotl who was the guy El Diablo and Uncle Sam battled before El Diablo went home to battle Bloodlettor which later led him to Gotham to where he battled Dalesko's puppet, Sin Tzu, after which Batman gave him some information leading him back to the desert where he was reunited with a friendlier Xolotl. And, um, here we are!

Don't get so cocky, you ugly motherfucker! This isn't Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Dalesko and Amanda Waller #6.

El Diablo's deal with the devil was that he'd return to life if the devil battled Dalesko for him. Not that it was really the devil but close enough for DC Continuity purposes. Dalesko winds up in Hell, 'natch!

By agreeing to the devil's terms to save Azucar, El Diablo loses Azucar anyway when she recognizes the devil inside him. She wants nothing to do with him. So El Diablo goes back to Belle Reve and Amanda Waller and the Suicide Squad because what else is there, I guess?

The Ranking!
-1! The ending was less than satisfying! Which I should have suspected since the entire story was the same.

Amanda Waller Review!
This panel basically sums up the Amanda Waller story:

This also sums up what I'd like to say to my mom and Jesus Christ!

I think there might be a little bit more where Waller learns mercy or compassion or maybe just feels a little bit closer to her Squad. But since I'd rather think of Amanda Waller as the bitch who gets things done and doesn't give a shit about the criminal piece of shit pawns she uses, I'll just forget the last half of the story.

The Ranking!
No change!

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: El Diablo and Amanda Waller #5

Did Amanda Waller lose weight?

El Diablo Review!
The last issue ended with El Diablo, Azucar, and Xolotl being attacked by the most suicidal squad in Suicide Squad history. I don't say that because this mission is particularly dangerous. I just mean none of the members are popular enough to ensure that they'll survive. Maybe Sumo will live because he's a Bat-villain and a Bat-villain can't die in a non-Batman comic book. Although he's a relatively new Bat-villain having been created in The New 52. Also, has he ever really battled the Bat? I think he's probably due for a good death, along with the rest of this shitty, unknown Suicide Squad.

To make sure readers know who these unknown Squad members who are about to die are, Xolotl is all, "Give me a rundown on our foes' Who's Who entries!" The Squad members are Bloodletter, the guy who was bullying El Diablo's neighborhood after El Diablo went to prison. Jizz, a criminal Thanagarian. Leviathan, some water dude. Behemoth, the guy I thought was Sumo because he's fat and Asian. And Zoomax who appeared in the first issue of this series.

Zoomax is killed first. I suppose I could be kind and count this as an actual death in the Suicide Squad but when have I ever been known to be kind? Technically, this isn't a Suicide Squad comic book. Death in the Squad only counts when they're the protagonists.

The Justice League of Mexico arrives to escalate the situation. Their members are Iman, El Muerto, Acrata, and El Dorado. Iman is Spanish for a humanoid robot copyrighted by Apple. El Muerto is Spanish for The Dead. Acrata is Spanish for The Human Target. And El Dorado is Spanish for The Dorito. And since you obviously know I was right about El Muerto, you should just trust me on the others.

Xolotl is killed by Jizz the Thanagarian even though the mission was to take him into their custody and not kill him. Stupid violent Thanagarians! Although his death causes everybody to stop fighting, so I guess it was the right move. The Justice League of Mexico decides to work with the Suicide Squad to destroy some threat that Xolotl warned them all about. But El Diablo decides he's had enough and tries to walk away. Too bad for him, he walks right into Deadshot and is killed. Too bad for me, death never takes with El Diablo and I'm going to have to read one more issue of his story.

The Ranking!
No change!

Amanda Waller Review!
Amanda Waller is holed up in Belle Reve dealing with some agent who knows some shit but can't talk because he's basically comatose. Since that's super boring, the story has a B-side featuring the Suicide Squad. Once again it's a Suicide Squad composed of members who DC will never let die: Harley Quinn, Katana, Captain Boomerang, Enchantress, and Deadshot. It's been years since DC knew how to write a proper Suicide Squad. Part of the problem is John Ostrander immortalized Deadshot and Captain Boomerang by writing them so well. When he began the Suicide Squad, they were D-list characters at best. He made them unkillable yet also linked them forever to the Suicide Squad. So that's two characters people expect to be on the team who won't die (oh sure. Captain Boomerang "died". But so did Deadshot. It's just they were brought back to life, weren't they? How the fuck does that count? Just because characters in comic books dying and coming back to life is a common thing, it doesn't mean it's a thing that you should use as a plot device to make it feel like Squad members are dying, especially since they return just a few issues later instead of years later). Then you throw in more characters whom the reader knows won't die, like Harley Quinn and Katana? Come on! Katana isn't even a villain!

Speaking of Katana, what the fuck is DC Comics doing to her? She now works willingly for Amanda Waller and kills enthusiastically even though she knows she's condemning every victim to an eternal prison in the Soulsword? I would think she'd want to limit the people she kills to the most evil, vile bastards who deserve eternal imprisonment. Killing henchmen and soldiers just seems wrong. But then DC seems to have decided that Katana's role is to stand in the background mysterious and silent. Except in this issue. She's doing a lot of talking this issue.

I hate how everybody knows about the Suicide Squad. It renders the whole project meaningless! As soon as people see them, they're all, "Oh yeah. The United States government is up to their usual bullshit again."

Anyway, bad shit goes down, the mission goes to shit, and Amanda Waller winds up drugged and hallucinating that she's lost the entire Squad. It's really the only way any members of the Suicide Squad die anymore. Either Amanda hallucinates it or the computers she has which show their heartbeats go on the fritz so the reader goes, "Oh my god! One of them is dead! I mean, it wasn't an on-panel death and nobody in the Squad ever really dies anymore but the computer shows one did! So I totally believe it!"

The Ranking!
-1! Get some balls and kill somebody already, DC, or else give Task Force X a new nickname that actually describes the team. Like Cozy Vacation Killing Club.

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: El Diablo and Killer Croc #4

Some covers just don't scream, "Read this comic book!"

El Diablo Review!
I read it. It was a comic book starring El Diablo. Batman is also in it, if that interests you. It incorporates art and words to tell a story. The story is better understood if you've read the previous three issues. Also, it helps to remember the previous three issues you read. I didn't remember them that well. Some characters from previous issues return. It ends with a cliffhanger as Amanda Waller sends Task Force IV or V to kill El Diablo. Amanda Waller has some serious control issues to work through.

The Ranking!
No change!

Killer Croc Review!

The Killer Croc story begins with an odd turn of events.

Why would Croc imagine himself as a white man?

I have a theory! This isn't the real Killer Croc! The real Killer Croc was last seen in the pages of Batwoman where we learned his sympathetic story and how he has been trying to make Gotham a better place for her displaced citizens. The Killer Croc we've seen since then is this white guy! Okay, that doesn't really make sense since Killer Croc #1 of Villains Month showed him as a young black kid. So my other theory is that the Rebirth Waylon Jones is a white guy! The theory I've decided isn't a great theory because it's criticizing people just trying to do their jobs is the one where the artist, colorist, and editor all majorly fucked up.

Killer Croc has just confronted an army of mutated, sentient animals even though Killer Croc is technically not really an animal. But it works thematically so shut the fuck up.

I once drew my own comic book called Arrogance. That was the name of the superhero group. Their first major battle was against the S.P.C.A. (Society of Paranormal and Cognitive Animals). It was pretty much this comic book.

The poor animals seem to recognize Killer Croc as one of their own so they decide to follow him. It might not last though since they're wearing some kind of control collars. And it doesn't. But then it does because Killer Croc smashes the control collars' control! Now he has an army of mutant animals!

Killer Croc saves the day like he was supposed to but not in the way Amanda wanted him to. Then he swims off to take a break from Suicide Squad business. Even though he's been quite busy over in Justice League vs. Suicide Squad. I guess he didn't much care for being alone.

The Ranking!
No change!

Trinity #5

"Hey, has anybody done the thing with Batman in the dark and Superman in the light? Oh, and, um, Wonder Woman like straddling them! The dark and light, not Batman and Superman!" -- Francis Manapul. Probably.

The clerk at my comic book store, while ringing up my comics, picked up this issue and said, "I love this cover." I responded, "Shut the fuck up, you retail monkey." You have to let these comic book clerk nerds know where they stand or, before you know it, they're spoiling every comic book as they ring you up. I admit this guy's comment was benign but if you let them talk, they'll definitely ruin the ending of half your books as they're ringing you out. Or even worse, they'll make faces and fart noises as they look through the books you're reading.

This issue begins with a flashback to how this all started. It began with Poison Ivy tripping her balls off on Black Mercies. While in the Black Mercy dreamworld, she encounters Mongula, Mongul's daughter. That might not actually be her name. Her name could be War-Toddler, for all I know. Poison Ivy adopted her as her own until Mongul shut the door on Pam's Black Mercy hallucinations. Now she's trying to find a way to get her dream daughter back. Is that why she sent Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman into the Black Mercy world? So they can defeat Mongul for her? Also, how did she know that selling the Black Mercy seeds to Jon Smith would catch Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman?

Oh wait. Poison Ivy explains that immediately after I continue reading! I'm so impatient!

Remember how Swamp Thing was attracted to the farm in Superman Annual #1? Same thing here! This soil is the shit!

Back in the Black Mercy Dreamworld, Batman points out that Mongul was last seen buried in Black Mercies. That's probably true! He's been all over the place in The New 52 because DC Comics seems to forget that they have more than six major villains and also that writers are allowed to create new ones. So instead, Mongul attacks and is shunted away to The Phantom Zone. When he's needed again, he appears and then gets shoved under Black Mercies or holed up on Oa or locked in Amanda Waller's Catacombs or whatever. It doesn't really matter as long as there's eventually a plausible reason for him to escape so he can cause more trouble. This plausible reason seems better than most since he's supposedly stuck in the Black Mercy world and attacking from there.

In their fight against Mongul, each of the Trinity points out what Mongul can't stop. Apparently they each mention the thing that most embodies who they are. Superman says, "You can't control our dreams!" Yep, Superman is totally the ideal and the dream of humanity at its best. Batman is all, "Or our actions." Yep, Batman is representative of taking action against those who would abuse others. And Wonder Woman says, "Nor our emotions." Yep, Wonder Woman is a woman.

Mongul explains to the Super Friends how the Black Mercies work and how the plural of Black Mercies is actually Black Mercy but I've been refusing to say that. Also he explains the origin of his daughter.

Such a micro-racism to say Black Mercy are bad and White Mercy is good.

Of course White Mercy isn't 'good' exactly. But she's good for Mongul's ego. I hope White Mercy becomes a major enemy of the Super Sons!

For some reason, the Super Friends' interactions with their younger selves in their dreams have allowed White Mercy to take over the world. It's comic book bad guy logic, so just roll with it. It's usually why super-villains have to monologue their evil plans because they don't usually make a lot of sense.

Clark, Bruce, and Diana awaken but they're being controlled by White Mercy. So once again, fucking Superman is being controlled by a super-villain! This fucker just needs to get off of the Earth because he's the biggest danger to world peace that's ever existed!

The Ranking!
No change!

Trinity #4

This cover is perilously close to an upskirt. It would explain Wonder Woman's stance.

It's time for Wonder Woman's Black Mercy dream where she learns the true power of the uterus! Unless she learns the true weakness of the prostate. Man that thing is weak. It's basically the part of the machine that would have had a factory recall if God fucking gave a shit after Day Six. I mean, God did give a shit after Day Six in that "I'm going to punish the fuck out of these things I've created" kind of way. But it's odd that God never went back to do an edit of Their original work. It's as if God thought They were too perfect to have made any mistakes. That doesn't sound like a perfect God at all! A perfect God would have double-checked Their work a number of times before declaring it was finished.

Although, if you think about Genesis for even half a second more than most Christians who are expressly told what to think about it (which is, coincidentally, exactly half a second), you have an example of God actually having a second go at creating something. First God creates humans and tells them to go forth and multiply. That's all of us non-Jewish heathen monsters (don't believe everybody was killed in Noah's flood! He wasn't the only fucking boat builder in the ancient world)! But then God was all, "You know what? I can make mankind better!" That's when God made Adam and Eve. Notice God didn't tell them to go forth and multiply. God practically told them exactly the opposite! God was all, "Don't learn about fucking, you dum-dums." And they were all, "What's fucking?" And God was all, "That tree wearing all black and smoking over in the corner can tell you. Don't hang out with that tree. Bad influence, that." So, really, the Jewish people are Humans 2.0. They were made from the Earth itself so it's like they're organic humans. All the other humans are like plastic containers.

I don't know how I got from Wonder Woman to gentiles are plastic containers. All I know is that I can't discuss our government trying to burn this country to the ground on this blog anymore. It's fucking killing me (not literally like it's going to be fucking killing minorities, first by not letting refugees into the country, second, possibly, by the government's own hands) but my brain can't be in that space all the time. I have the luxury for it not to be and maybe all this blog can be is be a momentary distraction or a brief respite from the monstrous decisions our "representatives" are making. Also from the idiots who seemingly have no problem with it like this person from my Twitter feed who is only on my Twitter feed because he's a cousin of the Non-Certified Spouse: "If Trump was the fascist dictator some claim, he wouldn't build a wall, he would just invade or annex Mexico". So that seems to be the ground where Trump Defenders are making their stand. "I can't argue logically or rationally about the horrible actions of his first week, so let's get into the semantics of the term 'fascist dictator.'" Go fuck yourself.

Okay, back to the comic books and stupid jokes now. If I feel the need to point out that we civilians will pay the price of our government's actions when the rest of the world has to bomb the shit out of us because we're endangering the world with our terrible anti-everybody-else stance backed by a shit-megaton of nukes, I'll be doing it over on Twitter.

I don't think Diana knows how dreams work.

Dreams have a point of view. And as the protagonist of the dream (whether you're you or somebody else), you are in control of your thoughts and actions. They might not be the same actions you would choose while awake, or they may be stranger thoughts than you're used to having but they all come from your point of view as the protagonist of the dream. What you generally aren't "in control of" is the plot or the locale or the non-player characters. A dream doesn't have to be lucid for the person to be in control of their "character." Lucid just means you're aware that you're dreaming and can then take advantage of dream rules while ignoring the props and backdrop your subconscious has laid out before you. I frequently have sexual dreams where the person I'm about to get intimate with is not the Non-Certified Spouse. Sometimes in the dream, I'll be all, "I can't be doing this! I'm Non-Certifiably Married!" and it ruins the dream. Other times, I think, "Oh wait! This is just a dream! Up periscope, baby!" And sometimes, I'll just not know about my real-life relationships and I'll fuck the vampire until the sun reaches the vampire's head and we climax in a burst of flames!

Shut up. You have weird sex dreams too! Probably!

For some reason, this reminds me of my first sexual experience.

Superman's Black Mercy dream was to see his father live. Batman's Black Mercy dream was to see his father die. And now Wonder Woman's Black Mercy dream is to find out the truth about her home and where she came from and whether or not the Amazons really did rape pirates. Probably not since Greg Rucka is in charge of the Amazon's past now. That guy isn't as keen on rape as Azzarello and Wolfman. I don't actually think Azzarello is keen on rape. Notice I didn't qualify what I think about Wolfman's views.

The Trinity wind up on Themyscira where they're confronted by Amazons.

So it's kind of like some dialect you have heard before? Thanks for the non-information, Batjerk.

Dream Diana saves Real Diana from the Amazons and the Amazons are all, "Fucking kids. You think you're so wise by stopping bloodshed! Pshaw! You'll soon learn!" Then Diana grows up and learns to kill because adults are just tired of dealing with shit. The end.

That wasn't the end of the comic book! That was the end of my side story about growing up! This story continues in the real world where Lois Lane didn't not hit Poison Ivy and her son with the truck when she crashed into the barn. Remember how last issue ended and I was all, "It’s just luck that she doesn’t run them over." Well, um....

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! Sort of. I mean, well, you know. I totally thought this is what should have happened!

So now Poison Ivy is probably crippled for life thanks to Lois's reckless driving through barn walls. I wanted to spell reckless as "wreckless" because that just seems more correct. I hope Lois remembers to get Poison Ivy to a hospital after this. I'm sure she has internal injuries and a possible skull fracture. Jon is fine though because Poison Ivy pushed him out of the way. She's a hero! A hero in a permanently vegetative state. That's a plant pun! I think!

Poison Ivy takes a hit from a car as well as I do because she's immediately up and punching Lois Lane in the kisser. I didn't punch the woman who hit me with her car but I did jump immediately back up and stand in front of her car so she didn't take off. Jerko hit-and-run monsters! Portland is full of them.

Back on Dream Themyscira, Queen Hippolyta proposes a challenge for the Super Friends. They must prove themselves in the arena! I don't know what they're trying to prove. That they have a right to be on the island? Because if that's what they're trying to prove, Superman and Batman will fail the Penis Challenge.

Luckily for Batman and Superman, the Penis Challenge doesn't take place. I suppose it's not needed since their costumes leave nothing to the imagination anyway. My guess is Batman is circumcised and Superman had multiple attempted circumcisions which ended up in the Kents having to bury another mohel in the field so he doesn't spread word about their uncuttable superbaby.

Wonder Woman is allowed to stay on the island but the men must go to the Dark Quarters. Hippolyta doesn't even ask them if they're men. She just sees the penises through the tight suits and assumes they're men. How ancient way of thinking of them!

Anyway, Wonder Woman chooses to go with her male allies into the Dark Quarters. That's like her dream subconscious where she'll discover the thing she needs to discover thanks to the Black Mercies. Young Dream Diana also manages to go with them, against the wishes of her mother.

The Super Friends make their way deeper into their subconscious worlds where they're attacked by something that is longer than it is wide. It's a sea serpent, you Freudian pervert!

The Super Friends are swallowed by the sea serpent and taken even deeper! Now they're in the sub-subconscious! It's full of lots and lots of things that are longer than they are wide!

Technically this is Diana's sub-subconscious. Apparently all she thinks about are penises. That's what happens when you're raised in a culture that bans them!

As you can see from the scan above, Batjerk has more thoughts on the dialect. But I guess those will have to wait.

Diana spends the next two pages chopping up the longer than they are wide things. I squirm unpleasantly while reading it.

When Diana hacks her way out of the sea serpent, she finds herself face-to-face with Mongul! What a shock! To nobody who reads comic books. I suppose it was a shock to the fake geek girls and the totally real geek boys who just happen to not know about Mongul's connection to the Black Mercies (which is totally understandable). The real surprise twist ending is that Mongul's daughter has come up with this plan. His daughter!? Mongul has a daughter!

I hope this revelation that Mongul has a daughter is brand new so that I don't look like one of those totally real geek boys who just happens to have a blindspot in my geek knowledge (which is totally forgivable). I suppose Mongul is still in the Phantom Zone so he had to have his daughter's help from the outside. Unless Mongul got out since Warworld got out. I have no idea what is going on anymore! Fucking Rebirth! It's like continuity is whatever anybody wants it to be! As if some naked blue nuclear man were altering reality in whatever way pleases him the most.

The Ranking!
+1! Mostly because I love me some Emanuela Lupacchino art!

Trinity #3

Just fucking get over it already.

Only a rich white boy could live such a privileged life that he can afford to mourn the death of his parents for over twenty years. Don't get me wrong! I know other people aside from me would be saddened by he loss of their parents and continue to miss them until the end of their own lives. But most people wouldn't dedicate every single waking hour of every single day to the grief they feel over the loss. I suppose if you have no other hardships in your life, you have to cling to the one time something bad happened to you so that you can pretend that your rich ass life of power and luxury is more of a curse than a blessing. Stop wallowing in your own self-pity, you dick.

On the other hand, Batman's dedication has caused him to beat the shit out of more petty criminals than all of the police working in the United States (which is a lot!). Although maybe that's not really the other hand. Beating up criminals is simply trying to wipe out the symptoms of a bigger problem. Most criminals aren't insane sociopaths with Alice in Wonderland fetishes. They're criminals because poverty and Republican ways of governing have driven them to a desperate last option. Just breaking their jaw and shunting them off to Blackgate isn't solving anything. You can cover up the buboes with some ridiculously expensive make-up but you still have the plague.

Anyway, Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman are all suffering from Black Mercy intoxication so they're hallucinating their pasts. But this time, they have their friends to help them! Superman learned something about his past in the first two issues but I can't remember what it was because it was mushy and emotional and nobody was punched to death. Now it's time for Batman's friends to help him through the most traumatic moment of his life: when he realized his butler would be raising him.

Batman can't find the place where his parents died and he became the Batman. I bet the Court of Owls could find it.

Meanwhile in the non-Black-Mercy world, Jon Smith has been kidnapped by Poison Ivy. Lois is now wondering where her son went although not as much as she's wondering where her husband and Wonder Woman went.

Oh shut up, Diana. Nobody needs your affirmation bullshit right now. Go put it on a blog where a chameleon says it so that everybody can squee over its derivative nonsense.

Through the trip to his past, Batman is allowed to tell himself that it isn't his fault that his parents died. Or that Jason Todd died. Or that Tim Drake died. Or that Barbara Gordon was paralyzed. I mean, of course the last three were his fault! But he gets to tell himself that they weren't his fault at all. Also maybe the Barbara Gordon thing wasn't totally his fault since it happened out of costume. Although The Joker was going after Commissioner Gordon because of The Batman so...well, I guess it's all pretty complicated. Why not let Batman pretend none of the deaths around him were his fault?

Back in reality, Lois Lane drives a truck through a barn wall to save her son from Poison Ivy. It's just luck that she doesn't run them over.

Next month, it's Wonder Woman's chance to forgive her mother! Or herself! Or something.

What Did I Learn?
I've learned that the Republican representatives in the United States government are cowards who care only for getting re-elected by their racist and selfish base of supporters. I can't help it if comic book lessons don't matter enough to mention them in the world we're currently living in! Oh, but I did learn something comic book related! Francis Manapul can't draw more than two monthly comic books in a row before needing fill-in artists!

The Ranking!
No change.