Action Comics #13

Is that Krypto's collar?!

Last issue was the Zero Issue with many, many origin stories about many different things in Superman's life. This issue begins with the origin of the Phantom Zone.

This whole Halloween on Krypton thing is the kind of silly stuff you can get away with when you use an actual Omniscient Narrator. But when Roy Harper or Slade Wilson does this, it takes five days off the end of my life.

Doctor Xa-Du must proclaim himself The Phantom King of the Phantom Zone as soon as he enters since he'll be the only guy there for awhile. I'm not sure how any of the new villains who enter will overthrow him since they'll be dematerialized. Although my guess is that everyone in the Phantom Zone can interact with everyone else in the Phantom Zone. Especially since Doctor Xa-Du comes out with Krypto's collar. And hopefully Krypto as well!

Boy, the people of Krypton sure got ugly since Travel Foreman took over the art.

Meanwhile in the present, Superman is decorating his Fortress of Solitude with artifacts from the Bottle City of Kandor. I guess Batman Ray Paler helped him out with a reverse shrinking ray and Superman has been stealing things from the city. Why not? What can those stupid ass tiny Kandoorians do? Shake their tiny impotent fists at him? Ha! They're lucky Superman doesn't stick his dick in their jar and give them all a Kryptonian Golden Shower.

As Superman gets ready to head out to pursue a job for Superman, he hears something deep within his fortress.

Ewww! Gross! The Phantom Zone really does a number on a person's skin.

I guess Doctor Xa-Du figured out a way to watch people from within the Phantom Zone. He probably created a whole society of immortal assholes. He might even be able to tell Superman about Superman's mom and dad. He might even know what position was used to conceive little Kal-el!

The next page shows Superman looking into a mirror confused and insisting he heard something. Looks like Doctor Xa-Du can watch from inside the Phantom Zone. Luckily for Doctor Xa-Du (and Krypto!), Superman had already unmicronized the Phantom Zoning Machine from the City of Kandor. He had no idea what it did but he suddenly noticed it was cracked and their were paw prints across its surface. Fucking dogs break everything.

While Kal-el is inspecting the dog prints, Doctor Xa-Du somehow activates the machine and launches Superman into the Phantom Zone where Zod and a whole bunch of other miscreants that Morrison probably dug out of old one issue stories from the past lie in wait to ambush Supes. And Doctor Xa-Du materializes outside of the Phantom Zone where he can feel once again. I bet he's hungry. Too bad no place delivers to the Fortress of Solitude.

After years of not really being able to hear himself, Xa-Du soliloquizes all over the place. Superman can't see anything in the Phantom Zone but he realizes the other people trapped in the Phantom Zone can indeed see and possibly see out of it. As he wrestles with one of them, he takes some goggles from the person's head and puts them on. He can now see too! I guess the Phantom Zone has workshops and shit.

Superman remembers the paw prints and a faint memory from when he was a baby of the big white dog that dove into the Phantom Zone. He whistles and Krypto comes running to save his master's son!

Inside the Zone, Superman meets a phantom stranger! Watch out, Superman! He's going to betray you!

The Phantom Stranger was sucked into the Phantom Zone mysteriously. Maybe the Font in the Sky shoved him there so that he could betray Superman and lose one of his silver coins. Or perhaps the Font in the Sky couldn't resist the joke. Or maybe he really did innocently get dematerialized. However he ended up there, it doesn't really matter. He can get out easily. But he needs Superman to find a way out so that he can stop Doctor Xa-Du from destroying Earth.

According to Mythbusters, dogs really can smell something light years away.

Superman manages to steal Doctor Xa-Du's Ecto-suit by pure force of will, perhaps like the criminal that had been able to reach its fist out of the Phantom Zone years earlier before Krypton exploded. Doctor Xa-Du fades back into the Phantom Zone and Superman activates the mechanism to release himself. But Krypto is still stuck in the Zone.

Someone's been watching the saddest episode of Futurama ever.

After Superman escapes, the Ecto-suit mostly disintegrates. But one gloves is still left. Superman uses it to reach into the Phantom Zone and pull Krypto out by his collar. Krypto is near death but Superman takes him for a space walk in the nice yellow sun and he begins to feel better.

I bet Kryptonian White Wolf Dogs eat people.

Afterward, the Little Man from Another Place recruits Doctor Xa-Du into his Super Revenge League. And then it's time for a back-up story!

The back-up story is an evil story full of manipulative animal love engineered to bring anybody with a love of animals to their weeping knees. But since I am an unfeeling bastard, I did not feel a thing! Nope! I don't know what tears are, Sholly Fisch and Brad Walker! Go manipulate some other sorry bastard!

*sniffle* Oh, fuck you!

Action Comics #13 Rating: +1/2 Ranking! Scott Snyder still hasn't deserved to fall from first yet although this Death of the Family crossover might be the death of Batman at #1! I hope not. But if the whole "Joker created Jason Todd's Robin" thing stands, I'll hate it on principle.

Batwing #13

Possibly the first ever DC cover to have the title character being vomited on by the antagonist.

A cult calling themselves the Finders and followers of Father Lost are conducting ritual sacrifice to gain the power of some unnamed Goddess. Unless Father Lost is the Goddess to whom they're sacrificing people. But that doesn't sound right. Although Father Time is currently female over in Frankenstein, so maybe it makes a lot more comic book sense than I'm giving it credit for. Also, is King Shadow responsible for this mess too? Is Father Lost part of his plan to unite Africa?

The ritual sacrifice is interrupted by a woman named Dawn that can make magical blades appear in her hands. She's too late to save any of the victims but maybe she's in time to stop any of the cult members from gaining any power from the ritual.

I believe there was a Quraci Terrorist that had this power in the Preboot Suicide Squad. Fuck, there have probably been a dozen people with this power in Marvel and DC alone. Not that I'm taking anything away from her. Just making up speculative history because I'm too lazy to Google the name of one guy from Qurac's Jihad team.

The police interrupt Dawn's stopping of the Finders' ritual to stop the Finders' ritual. All but one of The Finders kill themselves before the police can shoot them. Dawn escapes to tell what she's found out about Father Lost to Rene's grave. Rene was the woman who, along with Matu Ba, ran the School for Children Kidnapped by Warlords and Made To Do Unspeakably Violent Things Where Batwing had been enrolled in his early years. Seems Dawn is another child to come from this sanctuary. Or she's Rene's daughter. Or Rene's lover.

Meanwhile, Batwing is chasing down a General that's gone mad with Father Lost lust and has stolen a jet. He means to crash it into downtown Tinasha which for unexplained reasons Batwing can't allow. It might have something to do with his Batman Incorporated pledge about saving innocents and all that. The only way Batwing can stop the jet with his limited abilities and his flying suit is to steer the plane away from the city. The jet still ends up crashing and killing the general inside. But I don't think this counts as Batwing having killed this man since this man was already trying to kill himself. Batwing merely made sure the man's crash sight wasn't filled with other people.

Later at police headquarters, David learns about the ritual killings happening across Tinasha.

Two girls? Maybe she has a Headscarf of Mirror Image?

David attempts to interrogate the single surviving cultist locked up in the Tinasha Police Department jail cells. His mode of interrogation is projecting a hologram to make it appear as if they've been transported to somewhere in the savannah. The hologram also makes him appear as Batwing. But the technique fails somewhat spectacularly.

I guess disciples of Father Lost can't be made to feel lost.

The Finder morphs into Father Lost to gloat. Luckily for David, before Father Lost can completely take over his mind, David's friend on the force, Kia, knocks out the prisoner that had somehow channeled Father Lost. So instead of David becoming one of Father Lost's children, he retains his own mind but now knows Father Lost's plans. Good job, Father Lost! It's nice to see even mystical African super villains spill their evil beans just every other super villain in the universe.

Later at the next big ritual, Dawn has managed to infiltrate this one before the blood starts flowing. She rescues a victim that knows of her and then battles the cult members while the freed victim saves the others. But she'll never be able to defeat so many evil cultists! She needs a larger adventuring party than one! Perhaps an NPC named Nightwing Batwing will come to the rescue!

Too bad it wasn't Superman. That would have been a surprise!

Batwing #13 Rating: No change. This is a perfect example of a mediocre comic book issue. Except would that make it a perfect issue instead of a mediocre one? Also, I would rather read the story depicted on the cover than the story that actually happened. Batwing succumbs to the unwanted advances of emetophiliac Father Lost!

Worlds' Finest #5

Another possible Hentai cover. Where's that third tentacle headed?

I'm relieved that Zero Month is finally over. Fifty six origin stories were just a bit too much for me. They sapped my strength and left me twitchy and irritable. Especially Superman and Catwoman. What the fuck kind of train wrecks were those? I'm tempted to send those back to DC and demand my money back. With an apology. And a promise that Scott Lobdell and Ann Nocenti will have to share an office for the rest of the year. And be each others' Secret Santa. Or Secret Hanukkah Harry. However that works.

For now, I'm glad to not have to Photoshop Anguished Fat Man into every comic book and to get back into the regular monthly story arcs, even if that means a majority of the comics are going to be taken up with two big stories for a few months: Rotworld and Death of the Family. The Big Crossovers aren't really my thing any more. Fuck, anybody whose been reading my commentaries on a regular basis might ask themselves if any comic books are my thing any more. And they'd be right to think this. I've got real projects sitting on the back burner while I do this New 52 writing project. The only reason I'm still doing it is for the practice and the ideas. But I may put a stop to it at the end of the year to work on other projects in 2013. Especially since other people on the internets keep plagiarizing me completely or just taking my turns of phrases. The images I expect people to hotlink too (although the worst of them I prank) but stealing my writing? Fuck you, assholes.

This issue begins with Power Girl being blasted in the chest while hooked up to machines and screaming her version of "Is that all you've got?" And since it takes place in Cambridge, Massachusetts, my guess is she's undergoing tests to discover the extent of her invulnerability.

Oh my. Look how ragged her costume is? Guess what's coming up?

Inadvertent Boob Window!

While in Seattle last week, my friends and I discussed Power Girl. They haven't been reading The New 52 but they new about her costume change. I told them I figure they're eventually going to go back to her old costume since at least once each issue, her costume gets all fucked up and ends up with the boob window anyway. It's been five regular issues and possibly boob window costume tears in four of those comics. George Perez just can't let it go!

As Huntress brushes her friend's hair back into place, Power Girl tells her a story that happened once when she was visiting CERN. I bet she was the cause of this:

Not photoshopped. Probably just a fucked up rocket crashing. BUT MAYBE THE END OF THE WORLD! Except the world kept happening for three years after. So probably the rocket.

Karen Starr was checking into a program at CERN which, after years of data analysis, would confirm the existence of other dimensions. She wanders off to get the tour while two of the head researchers remain behind to discuss her. Maybe one of them will become the Black Hole Guy from the Preboot Giffen Doom Patrol! And then Ambush Bug could appear! And the comic book I keep asking for will appear in the Fourth Wave: Cheeks the Toy Wonder!

While walking along the collider, Karen and her flirty pal Fritz are interrupted by a huge explosion. Karen believes a new dimension was opened up by the Atlas Program (that's the name of the experiment looking for other dimensions!). She casually knocks out Fritz with a flick of her finger to keep him safe (and probably severely concussed) while she checks out the explosion. I bet her nice suit tears across the cleavage! Although Perez isn't drawing this scene; Jerry Ordway is. Let's see if he's as attached to the boob window as George.

They've tapped into the Battletech Universe.

I thought the head researcher meant it was going to take months to compile the data they received from the Atlas Program's tests. But I think she meant it would take months to rebuild before they could figure out what dimension the monsters and robots that leaked into our dimension were from. Or she was just being evasive because she and her partner sure were acting suspicious! I think they knew this was going to happen! Shocker!

Karen Starr battles with the mechanoid and takes damage in all the right places.

Her shirt was already low cut so I didn't expect extra boob windowage.

And by the time Karen drags the mech through tons of rock to have it explode in her face above the alps (causing that blue spiral and explosion, no doubt), her suit really takes a beating.

I think it's time for an indestructible costume. I believe Plastic Man isn't currently busy in The New 52. And he'd jump at the opportunity.

After Power Girl finishes the story, Huntress asks her why her costume ends up in rags so often. I imagine Karen really embellished that part of the story as she told it.

Power Girl: "After the fire and smoke cleared, I found myself leaning against a tree high in the romantic, snowy, chilly Alps. My nipples were straining against the fabric of this cute little bra I was wearing. Which was actually all I was wearing by now. That and these little lace panties that I was hoping Fritz could pull off with his teeth later."
Huntress: "Fuck me."
Fanboys: "OH MY GOD YES!"

Afterward, Huntress tells Power Girl a story of what she's been up to. The Huntress was checking out a Take Back the Night rally that was about to be interrupted by a sniper. While Power Girl was having fun and fighting robots and fucking scientists, The Huntress was beating the shit out of that sniper I just mentioned. The art in this part of the story isn't very good and the story is totally anti-man. It's full of Women's Privilege and how men can't even snipe them when they have rallies without the man getting his ass kicked by a strong, prudish woman. Why is The Huntress telling this story that makes her look bad? Her costume doesn't even tear! And it's got a moral and other boring stuff! Although I think Power Girl's story had a moral too: science is bad and dangerous. It's just I was too distracted by her boobs to understand it until now.

Dude, she might care if you cared a little bit. Get a fucking costume and a super villain name. Then according to Union Rules, she'd have to listen to your plot. Also, Helena's costume in that first panel kind of looks like it has a vagina window.

Karen's response to Helena's story is a bit weird. Weirder than my response even!

And there will be another robot to take the place of the one you destroyed when you continue with your experiments. What's your point, Karen? Hel should have let the guy shoot a bunch of women? I think what you meant to say was, "Good fucking work, girl."

And then they fly off to new best friend adventures next month!

Worlds' Finest #5 Rating: +1 Rating. More fun comics with fun interaction between the fun characters of fun, please.

Red Lanterns #0

Whelp, here it is. Page One of Red Lanterns tells the entire story. It's the first domino being knocked over.

What more needs to be said? Domino knocks down another domino knocks down a few more dominoes and before you know it: Wham! Genocide.

I think I should just end this final Zero Issue commentary with a short commentary on this singularly perfect page. Everything Atrocitus did stemmed from the Manhunters killing his wife and his people and, most especially, his little girl. And the image of his daughters doll falling from her dead hands is the image he always comes back to. Here we have the gray skies sweeping in as if a storm were brewing. The civilization, still standing, probably prosperous, off in the background. And the defiance of a proud people unwilling to live beneath the shackles of the Guardians robots. The sun is setting, the fist is clenched, and the doll is precariously perched.

And the next thing you know: Oh, wait, I already said that.

More comic books should do this. This is a splash page that works. The size differential is an important focal point of the power here. And because the reader knows the tragedy that's about to unfold, you have a shift of power at least three times over in one static image. The robot is large, dour, and well-muscled. At first glance, he has all the power. Yet the little girl stands up to him as a small child is wont to do with a petty insult. Power shifts to her. But knowing what happens next shifts the power immediately back to the Manhunter. It's a wonderful image. And it's the only part of this comic I'll comment on.

Red Lanterns #0 Rating: If anybody else wants to comment on the other 19 pages, feel free! I'm done with Zero Month!

The Fury of Firestorm #0

Firestorm #0 begins with Jason explaining to himself (or the reader (or his secret diary that his dad had better never find because of all the doodles of Ronnie Raymond with hearts around his head)) what science is. I actually think Rob Liefeld was much better at the elementary school report Narration Boxes. Did you hear that, Rob Liefeld? I just fucking complimented you! Sort of.

Do panties really get twisted? That sounds awfully uncomfortable. PS Jason Rusch wears panties.

This origin story takes place a full month after Jason and Ronnie walked off into the sunset in Issue #12. That makes this comic semi-unique (can I say semi-unique? Less unique than completely unique but not so unique as to actually be unique at all?) in that it's one of the few that take place in the present as opposed to flashbacking to the past. Or backpacking to Europe.

Jason and Ronnie are the only official Firestorms left after Zithertech killed the rest of them. Other Firestorms do remain. Like Pozhar and any of the Rogue Firestorms since their protocols were developed by Martin Stein and not Zithertech. At least I think they were. Well, whoever designed Pozhar's protocol developed them all because the Rogue Firestorm technology was stolen from Pozhar's lab. So they're basically Pozhar's bastard children. But Ronnie and Jason also seem to have lost their power after their encounter with Scorn. But have they forgotten their love?

Jason continues to try to bring the power back out and finally while fucking around with his science experiment, he creates some balloons out of the air. It's the first time he's used the power in a month and he rushes off to tell Ronnie the good news. Maybe they can merge again! He finds Ronnie at football practice.

You hope, Jason. Those locker rooms can get pretty homoerotic.

But now that everything is back to normal, the pressures of high school and fitting in and being macho are once again weighing on Ronnie. He can't have his family or friends or fans see him as he really is. So he breaks up with Jason.

Say it ain't so, Ronnie Raymond!

Ronnie heads off to face off against Wally Cleaver and Lumpy Rutherford at the big football game. Jason sits in the bleachers pining away for what they've lost. And then Helix suddenly appears. Remember Helix? He was the retarded, patriotic Firestorm that Fury killed many issues ago. He was my favorite character and I was super sad when he died. But now he's back to help Ronnie work through his identity crisis.

Don't deny your true self, Ronnie. You're only hurting Ronnie Raymond.

Jason runs out onto the field to protect his man. He grabs Ronnie by the wrist and Ronnie transforms into Firestorm! But Jason disappears. The two of them have merged like the Ronnie/Martin days of old. Now Jason is a disembodied intangible head hovering over Ronnie and helping him out. But Ronnie still cannot transmute things. That can only be done if Jason takes control of Ronnie's body. Which he does. And they defeat Helix together. Merged. As one.

The passion of merging sends their nuclear power out of control. Ronnie flies them into space where they explode in a fireball of ecstatic power.

I'll be at a wedding on Saturday and I get a surprise wedding today!

And so the new New 52 origin of Firestorm basically turns Firestorm back into the original Super Friends' Firestorm. And Ronnie and Jason finally realize that they should probably discuss their relationship.

I wish Ronnie's mom were here to see this.

The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #0 Rating: Romantic.

Batman Incorporated #0

Batman Incorporated is one of the few DC properties that I don't know anything about. I wasn't reading comics when it began and so far I've only read three comics dealing with it. And it hasn't actually dealt with Batman Incorporated at all! There was that one moment in the sex shop basement headquarters in San Francisco and that's about it. So now Batman had better explain how this all came about so I'll be able to lord my supreme comic book knowledge over all the lowly normals. Normals are people that don't read comic books. Did that need explaining? I'm not sure that needed explaining.

Really, Bruce? You're not even trying to keep your secret identity secret anymore.

Perhaps this building was built with Batman in mind being that everyone seems to know that Bruce Wayne helps fund Batman. It always seemed to me that keeping the names Bruce Wayne and Batman separate would be the best way to go. But I guess tying them together doesn't hurt the secret identity because of little tricks like what Bruce pulls in the boardroom. Batman and Robin appear to arrest one of the board members for embezzlement and general bad guyery during the meeting. Afterward, Batman introduces his new idea: Batman, Incorporated! Wayne Enterprises will help fund Batmen types all across the world and make every city as safe as Gotham!

The first step: Batman Robot Armor!

As you can see on the far right, it's very important that the armor be limber enough to high five in.

Step two: Recruit bad ass motherfuckers!

Squire doesn't exactly scream "bad ass motherfucker."

The next member of the team is an Australian tattoo art....

Is it Didgeridoom?! Tell me it's Didgeridom!

Ahem. An Australian tattoo artist named Dark Ranger. Or maybe The Scout. Whoever he was, Batman wants him on the team. Knight leaves a phone with him so he can get in contact with Squire if he agrees. That sounds about right. Squire mans the phones.

Paris gets a guy named Nightrunner on the team. Russia gets an Armored Batman named Ravil. And Dark Ranger wants to join but believes he was at fault for his partner being killed. His partner was Dark Ranger. So maybe he was Scout, his sidekick at the time. Everything seems to revolve around something called the Club of Heroes and the Island of Mr. Mayhew. I'm sure a lot of this crap happened in the Preboot Batman Incorporated. But I can pretend it's all just made up history and this is the first time I'm hearing about any of it.

Batman also offers a full time position to Batman Japan. Batman Japan makes a joke which Knight and Squire touched on earlier as well.

I guess the shrink ray thing is an inside joke.

He also strong arms El Gaucho into working for him, another guy I know nothing about. El Gaucho doesn't seem too impressed until he sees Looker and Halo standing around in a Batman Incorporated hideout. And then that's pretty much it. A comic just showing him pulling together a bunch of members. Now I just need to see these members in action! So far in the New 52, Batman Incorporated has simply been another Batman and Robin title.

Batman Incorporated #0 Rating: Member Drivalicious.

Justice League Dark #0

Once upon a time, John Constantine was into punk rock and had a real attitude. But seeing as how that would now make him in his mid-fifties, that means he was probably into punk rock around the turn of the millennium. Which means he was either being ironic or he was really out of touch with the fashion world. I guess people could have still acted punk rock in the late nineties. But it just wouldn't be the same, you know? Although he is into magic! So maybe he's a lot older than he looks and this story takes place in 1977. It does take place in New York City so he was probably deep into the scene. And maybe he even helped start the New York Punk scene.

Everyone knows the best black magic could be found at CGBG in the mid-seventies. I bet Constantine is time traveling! You know, before Flashpoint because this is a Zero Issue so there are exceptions. Fuck you! Lobdell did it in his stupid ass Superman comic in the stupidest moment of the New 52 so far!

Since this probably isn't a stupid time travel story that doesn't make any sense because Lemire has yet to prove to me that he's a complete dumbass like some of the other writers working at DC, Constantine is not going to CGBG to look for magick. He's going to a different club. It's a place called The Oblivion Bar and it's where all the best black magic can be found! Just like I said in the caption except I had the place wrong!

Specifically, John has come to find the legendary Nick Necro, whoever the fuck that is.

Aha! I knew CGBG was the place to go back in the day if you wanted the Black Magicks! Fuck all you doubters!

Before John can start a conversation with Nick, Zatanna appears and begins doing her magic act. I think an act that relied on a woman speaking backwards words which described the trick she was doing would suck balls. But she did do the act in a low cut corset and a dress with a huge slit up the side. So it was probably actually quite entertaining. Plus she could says, "Boob!" and you have no idea if she's casting a spell or just showing off the goods!

At this point in Constantine's career, it looks like he can't do much magic at all. He's come to Nick Necro to learn as much as he can. This is probably why the story takes place "Some time ago..." because nobody wants to nail down a time when Constantine couldn't do magic. Constantine takes out some guy mumbling about a "Cold Flame" before he can attack Nick and Zatanna. To thank Constantine, they decide to let him tag along. And then before actually reading the next page, I notice they're getting tattoos in the lower panel of the opposing page. Which means Nick Necro must be the mysterious guy from the end of Issue #12 that's looking for the Books of Magic and taking over the House of Secrets. But don't tell anybody!

Constantine and Zatanna apprentice under Nick Necro for a year or so. That's when they all get matching tattoos. But then Nick begins to go off the deep end, jonesing for the Books of Magic, getting wilder and wilder in his attempt to find them while never quite knowing if they actually exist. And during that time, Constantine and Zatanna began to develop a relationship. And since I called it a relationship, that means they aren't fucking yet. Otherwise I would have just said they had begun to fuck.

And then they begin to fuck. And Nicky doesn't quite like it.

Or maybe he's just sort of ambivalent about it.

Except he doesn't just leave and forget about them. Nick calls them up one night asking for help. But when they come to help him, it's an ambush. He's now working with the Cold Flame morons.

Zatanna's greatest weakness is Duct Tape.

John uses some punk rock lighter flamethrower move to break free from Nick while Zatanna kicks her guy in the balls. I think that's punk rock too! And then the final guard tries to throw a knife at John but John blocks the knife with Nick's chest. Chest dies in the Runed Circle and his soul goes to hell. No wonder John doesn't suspect that Nick Necro is the guy behind retrieving the Books of Magic. In the end, John gains all of the power and gets the girl. But as has been repeated multiple times this issue (and everywhere always): "Magic has its price." And John will certainly pay many times before between the end of this issue and where he's at now in Justice League Dark #13.

Justice League Dark #0 Rating: COME SWEET DEATH ONE LAST CARESS!