Batwing #0

Yay! A super hero whose origin I don't know! Kind of. I mean, I know he was a butcher as a child and then he became a cop and then Batman hired him. But I don't think I know why Batman hired him. Because he was a good cop? Or because he was a great butcher?

In-between those two choices, David was a violent kid that would sneak out of the rehabilitation clinic to hunt down people committing crimes and beat the snot out of them. Matu Ba (who would later become his Alfred Pennyworth with the shirts with dice with incorrect pips on them) watched over him and tried to keep him out of trouble and ending up immersed back in the violence of the surrounding area.

"Have you considered the Batman program for Wayward Youths with Inappropriately Violent Backgrounds?"

Immediately after this conversation, their car is blasted by a group of devil goat people. Typical fucking African roads.

When David finds out, he dons a silly costume that screams bi-curious welder that loves motorcycles with sidecars and captures Devil Jack. He passes the first test of Batman School by wearing a costume, catching the criminal, giving him a good beatdown, and then leaving him for the proper authorities to punish. If it were a written essay, he probably would have earned a bat sticker and four Robin stamps.

When Rene dies (the woman from earlier), David begins his new career as The Bi-Curious Sidecar Welder.

Somebody better call Batman with a costume change as soon as possible.

Apparently rumors of a man in need of a new costume reached the right ears.

Now that's a costume!

But Batman can't just let everyone in his organization wear the same outfit. That would look intensely homoerotic and I think that's the antithesis of trying to spread fear. So David gets his brand new costume and his Origin is complete!

Batwing: Always asking the important questions!

Batwing #0 Rating: Haute Couture!

G.I. Combat #0

The Zero Issue begins with the Unknown Soldier story so I quickly flipped through it to see if there were any dinosaurs and there were! I'm so excited to learn the Origin Story of the War That Fucking Sucks! Hmm, I guess all war fucking sucks. But this one sucks because it isn't actually a war at all. It's just a couple of military guys being hassled by dinosaurs. I suppose the dinosaur story is second because dinosaurs busting out of the cover of G.I. Combat #0 wouldn't make as much sense as a Mummy busting out of the cover.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say, "Yeah. There have been unknown soldiers in every war every fought. Ever. But super mummy soldiers? Ridiculous!"

To enlighten the Unknown Soldier, whats-her-name drugs him and puts him into a medically induced hallucination. He experiences the memories of every Unknown Soldier before him. He also retains the memories of the body he's inhabiting but it looks like the Unknown Soldier is somehow the embodiment of war. It takes over a man on the verge of death who has died in battle and uses his body until the war is over. How this is going to work in modern times when wars don't exactly have a clear beginning and end is fuzzy.

While on his mystical spirit journey, the Unknown Soldier meets a Raven outside a Mystery House.

So the Unknown Soldier is Cain? The disfigurement is Cain's mark? Cursed to wander east of Eden for all time? Cursed to fight in battle after battle because he was the first murderer and thus the creator of war? If my supposition is true, The Unknown Soldier just got interesting.

The Unknown Soldier and Kamal (that's whats-her-name!) discuss the implications of his memories. They both rule out reincarnation because that's just ridiculous! Who would believe in that? But what Kamal does reveal is that the man the Unknown Soldier was before was not a very good fighter. He was also pronounced dead on the battlefield. And then he came back as this super soldier that Kamal and her team made even superer. So he's definitely simply a vessel for whatever The Unknown Soldier is. The vessel retains the memories of the man he was but is also something more dangerous. I very much expect to find that this spirit is that of Cain.

The Unknown Soldier's Origin remains a mystery although they've filled it out a bit more. The story then takes a few pages to explain that about 2000 American soldiers were converted to radical Islam in Afghanistan and are now operating in the United States. One places a virus in a nuclear plant which simply warns the operators that they can blow it up any time they want. And another works loading luggage onto planes and he blows one up at the end. I guess the Unknown Soldier is going to turn into the 2000 Radical Islamist Ghosts of Scooby Doo.

And now, THE WAR THAT I WISH TIME HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT!

This story begins when Ash Stevens (unless his name is something else) fell from the cliff because Elliott didn't have his back and let him down and failed. Luckily, the terrain beneath the cliff has changed from forest to water since he first began falling (although, to be fair, the terrain beneath was actually kind of blurry and if I had to tell the truth, I can't be positive it was supposed to be forest). He lands in the water and survives. Probably because the big fat-ass dinosaur broke the surface tension when it hit first.

I can barely win a fight against my housecat. Which means this is very, very unrealistic or I'm a total pantywaist.

After that he has some adventures, grows a beard, fights a mountain lion, and gives up ever finding home. The End!

Seriously. The end. I guess until G.I. Combat decides to revisit Ash Stevens. Maybe he'll end up becoming the New 52 version of Anthro

G.I. Combat #0 Rating: Fundamentalist! Because it mixes The Bible (Cain as Unknown Soldier) with Dinosaurs!

Swamp Thing #0

The Swamp Thing's Origin has already been fleshed out (ha ha!) pretty nicely so far in the New 52. Alec Holland was resurrected by The Parliament of Trees in a desperate attempt to get their Warrior King back from the discard pile. The Preboot version of Swamp Thing was apparently a messed up simulacrum of Alec Holland merged with the Green. But now that Alec was alive, the Green's great warrior could be created if only Alec would agree. He eventually does and becomes the best Swamp Thing of all time. What more needs to be said? Maybe the Origin of Alec Holland which will consist of 20 pages of his parents fucking in a seedy motel?

Well, the comic definitely begins in Origin territory by stating it takes place in Manitoba in the year 1897. A young girl has braved the harsh cold which has been killing everything to find the legendary Green Man near her home.

It's a twist!

I told Marcus To that I don't say it enough when it happens so let me get this out of the way now that everyone has seen the art: I really like this art. It's only been three pages or so and I don't know how it'll play across the horror aspect of the book, but Kanu has captured the snowy environment and the young girl beautifully on the first pages. And now, the Swamp Thing is brilliant. He looks skinny and malnourished which should be expected after a long winter and probably a long life living in the cold environment. While the current Swamp Thing is a hulking beast of a creature because it lives in the swamps and filled with all the disgusting nutrients it needs.

Well, my question about how the horror aspect will come across with Kano is answered the very next page.

That's actually pretty disgusting.

And Arcane is not quite done being disgusting.

This Swamp Thing was obviously a lover. And perhaps a little bit hors d'oeuvre.

In just a few pages, Swamp Thing Zero has done everything right. Well, at least "right" in the way that I think things should be done. Which means I'm using right in an incorrect and self-indulgent way. But at least I'm aware of my narcissism which makes me at least 95% more self-aware than the rest of the human race, you bunch of Goddamned self-involved monkey men. What else can I say here that I can stick a "self" in front of? How about self-pleasure. That's probably my favorite!

I should probably explain the stuff I found right about this issue. The young girl seemingly on a mission to help her community turns out to be the Avatar of The Rot. It's a really nice moment especially since Anton as the girl risks his life to find The Swamp Thing. He's actually healed by The Swamp Thing in its cabin before it transforms. The transformation is well done. The girl is not just the monster Arcane transformed but a suit, a skin of mortal flesh which Anton explodes out of. All of these things twist the familiar by making what we thought safe and inviting and good the exact opposite of these things. And then the expected battle between Avatars, the battle comic book readers are taught to expect, turns into two panels where Arcane eats The Swamp Thing's face. The panel where Anton chews off The Swamp Thing's eyes, where he blinds him in one go, is the essence of disturbing. And at this point, it's simply a formality since Swamp Thing's eyes (as the readers) did not work to clue him into the danger anyway. He was actually blind before the moment his eyes are eaten. This is near perfection of the Unheimlich, the uncanny, I was asking for earlier. I would stand up and applaud Snyder but I don't want to scare my cat.

After this moment, the action moves ahead 110 years into the future. Anton Arcane is still the Avatar of the Rot and he's maneuvered himself into close proximity of Alec Holland before he becomes The Swamp Thing.

Now Anton is obviously an Avatar that doesn't give a shit about balance. The Swamp Thing he killed earlier had no overreaching ambition at all. He was content to let the harsh winter go on even longer since it was just a natural, if seemingly cruel, part of the cycle. But Anton needed to interfere to keep it going. So Anton has been an interfering bastard Avatar of the Rot for the entire 20th Century. Is this commentary on our times by Snyder? Could Anton have been the major influence to usher in the nuclear age? Or at least an age that was willing to use nuclear power in such a destructive way?

Anyway, so Anton has felt Alec's amazing connection to The Green and is ready to murder him before he becomes The Swamp Thing.

Anton is the dungeon master with the beard and the ponytail.

Alec is toasting monsters because the bio-restorative formula he's created could not have been possible without the "Monster-Fruit" plant. But the toast causes Anton to become nostalgic for all of the "monsters" he's killed across the years. It seems he's killed many Avatars of the Red and Green, keeping The Rot overpowered through 100 years. And Snyder and Kano continue to hit it out of the park with their depiction of a truly horrible monster in Arcane.

Not quite as whimsical as the zealots tossing toddlers into Monster Lake in Frankenstein, Agent of SHADE.

That last panel is just such a brilliant perversion of a proud parent gazing lovingly at his baby through the window of the maternity ward.

The Green managed to hide Alec Holland from The Rot for about thirty years longer than the baby above. Anton (as Dr. Ross) invades the Holland home with a shotgun to put an end to The Green's hope. But he's noticed by Linda Holland, Alec's wife. She bashes the intruder in the face but then stops when she realizes it's Dr. Ross. But when she notices that through his torn flesh she can see a monster, it's far too late. And since Anton now needs new skin, he takes hers.

This issue gives me so much hope for this series once they get all of the crossover bullshit out of the way. Let Snyder tell tales like this! This is horror comics at their best. Snyder and Kano have subverted nearly everything that should be good and loving and life-affirming. And now they've taken (yes! They! The creators! It's not Arcane's fault! He's an innocent victim of the writer's disturbed mind) Alec's wife from him and are going to use her as the instrument of his destruction.

No wonder Alec had such a hard time dealing with his resurrection way back in Issue #1. He was mind fucked pretty hard in his last life.

Now he's just toying with the poor bastard.

This is a good example that not every story needs to be a universe shattering dilemma. Anton Arcane has caused The Rot to be the strongest influence over the world for a full century. But he hasn't destroyed the world. His pursuit of killing Avatars is more personal than some large plot by The Rot. He just enjoys the shit out of the killing. And while there is a lot at stake where the balance of power is concerned, this story is primarily a horror story involving a single human and the tragedy that awaits him at the end of the book. I like my horror comics with more horror and less worldwide plots and conspiracies. That's the fucking normal world!

Anton leaks the bio-restorative formula and turns on a Bunsen burner. The place blows up, setting Alec on fire. And the rest plays out as it did before. Alec runs into the swamp and dies. His body is not incorporated into The Swamp Thing although a small piece of him gets trapped within it which is why he retains the memories once his body is resurrected five years later.

The Swamp Thing #0 Rating: Best Horror Story of The New 52. Fucking brilliant. No, no! Fu-motherfucking-cking brilliant!

Action Comics #0

This is the first Zero Issue of the month for me. I'm not totally sure what to expect with these things. They should all be origin stories although some of them will take place as continuations of the current story (like Resurrection Man) and others will be a break from the continuing story arc to tell the Origin. And since this is The New 52 and a Reboot, I'm hoping to learn new things about these characters instead of just reading, "Superman crashed to Earth as a baby and was kidnapped by hick farmers who raised him to be a boy scout. They should get medals for forward thinking because if their bastard greedy neighbors had found him, he'd have taken over the world by the time he was eight years old. Ugh! Can you imagine an eight year old super alien tyrant running the world? Thank Kansas that Ma and Pa Kent were such self-righteous, prudish, home bodies with no imagination! The end!"

That Origin story was my imitation of Grant Morrison's style. Pretty good, hunh? I can write in the style of anybody! "Superman dydst falth forth frym donny yon skyes." That was Chaucer! And how about Liefeld? "I was born on a dying planet many light years from Earth. A light year is not actually a unit of time like some people think. It's a measure of distance. In fact, it's the length of space light travels in one year. You might think it was otherwise but you'd be wrong. I was just a baby then but I remember how beautiful my mother was. Then I crashed into Earth and everything changed. How did it change? Let me tell you!" That would be followed by more exposition in Narration Boxes which I don't want to write.

I know you're all pretty impressed by my ability to chameleonate anybody's writing style. And you probably want to see more examples because it's such an amazing ability, but I need to begin reading Action Comics #0 Starring Superman!

Since Morrison already told Superman's origin, I guess we'll be getting Superman's coming out story.

Clark Kent gets his Superman shirts printed at one of the local print shops just like in that back-up story from a few issues ago that was so amazing I still remember every detail. So can we count that as the first Origin of this Zero issue? The Origin of Superman's T-shirts: "Clark Kent walked into Curt's Copies and asked for 200 shirts printed with the Superman logo!" Message boards light up!

SuperMANfan74: "Curt's Copies? Really?! Is this canon or is this just Morrison being allowed to write whatever he wants?!"
LoisOnMyFace: "I knew that other guy was lying in that back-up story! You can't full me!"
THEsupermanFAN: "Full? What are you? Some kind of illiterate internet monkey? Your presence here is a disgrace to all the REAL Superman fans."
LoisOnMyFace: "Have you never heard of a "TYPO" you fat fuck? Why don't you get a real job and move out of your mother's basement already! LOL!"
JimmyO-Face: "Why do you think Clark Kent needed 200 shirts?! What's up with that?!??!"
THEsupermanFAN: "Oh ho ho! Such a wit! Such a master of farce! You, sir, are a field of dog excrement! You insult every comic book reader with the supposition that even one of us is fat or without a job or living in our parents' basement! That my be true in some cases and occasionally a fan falls in the overlap at the center of the Nerd Stereotype Venn Diagram. But for you to attack me on those points immediately probably means that YOU, SIR, are the fat, jobless, pathetic fuck!"
Supermoderator: "This thread has been locked."

After learning the Secret Origin of Batman's Superman's T-Shirts, the reader is gifted with yet another Secret Origin: The Secret Origin of Clark Kent's job! That's the panel above. He now has work at the Daily Star which sounds much more impressive than the Daily Planet! Seriously!

And after that, a THIRD SECRET ORIGIN! My heart is aflutter with the revelations! This time it's the Secret Origin of JIMMY OLSEN!

Although this is interesting, I wonder how Clark met Jimmy. Craigslist Metropolis?

Now I'm wondering if the story of how Clark met Jimmy has already been told and I'm just too old and senile to remember it.

And then Superman makes his debut trying to stop some of Glenmorgan's thugs. The little weird man from the Fifth Dimension is hanging out with Glenmorgan as well. But right now, Superman isn't concerned with them. He's on the roof stopping the thugs from kidnapping a policewoman who was witness to some of Glenmorgan's corporate shenanigans. Supes is a little bit too brash and cocky on his first outing and is surprised by some douchebag with a rocket launcher.

A Monkey with a rocket launcher? That's a normal Saturday night for me.

Superman is blasted off of the building and lands dazed on the street below where some punk steals his cape. Which is apparently the focus of this story since the title of this issue is "The Boy Who Stole Superman's Cape." And Superman doesn't have 200 of the capes! He's simply got the one that came with him from Krypton so it's indestructible. Much like his T-shirts are not. I guess that rocket launcher to the face explains why 200 t-shirts was probably a good investment.

The kid takes the cape and turns into a little do-gooder in his shitty apartment complex. He rescues his brother from their father who is a drunk bastard. He does this by shielding himself in the cape and wrapping the cape around his fist so that his punches lay the guy low. But the kid is still a rat bastard thief. Although he did see the original wearer of the cape get shot by a rocket launcher and fall sixty stories to the ground. I think there's some merit now to "Finders keepers, dead person weepers."

After the little snotty thief's heroics, the scene changes to present the FOURTH SECRET ORIGIN of the comic book: Mr. Mxyzptlk!

Okay, maybe this isn't technically an origin. But it's at least a where are they now story! Or where were they now. Because currently he's in a coma!

Back to the thieving kid and his brother, they're running away down on the wrong side of the tracks. That means they're by Clark's new apartment because Clark doesn't have much money. That Daily Star just doesn't have the circulation that the Daily Planet has. But Jimmy is bringing Lois by to meet Clark because he thinks they'll hit it off in the Reboot the same way they hit it off in the Preboot. Oh, but I was supposed to be talking about those kids! Their father followed them out to the train tracks, snatches the non-caped one and they watch as the light-fingered kid in the cape is about to be hit by a train.

Ben Oliver has done some nice work on the art in this issue.

Borrowed without asking?! I learned about that a long time ago as a kid growing up in the San Francisco Bay Area thanks to that dog and that horse on television after school.

So Superman gets his cape back and I'm guessing Jimmy is going to get a picture of this scene here. Pulitzer material and the Secret Origin of Jimmy Olsen getting the job at the Daily Planet! Is that all the Secret Origins a comic book can give, you ask?! Hell no! Here's one more at no extra price! Well, technically one dollar extra.

The Secret Origin of Lois's Ruined Panties! I mean, her Crush on Superman!

The back-up story takes place years ago and had better have a Secret Origin in it as well! Boy, you give me six or seven Secret Origins and I begin to get demanding!

A man named Emery Zackro published a paper about radiation causing super powers. Maybe he couched it in different language but that's because he didn't have the vocabulary of comic books yet. But the scientific community laughed at him. All except one young up and coming scientist who doesn't give his name right off. But it is years ago and he has hair so I bet it's Lex Luthor! Wait, did that sentence make sense?

This young scientist visits the Black Farm looking for the subject of Zackro's paper. But Mr. Blake chases him away just like he chases his son, Captain Comet, away years ago. Lex Luthor, I mean the mystery man, heads out and accidentally runs into a young Captain Comet. But is he young enough for this scientist to be Lex Luthor? I can't tell because when Captain Comet was last in the comic book, his face was all burnt off and quasary. Shut up. I'll make up as many words as I want!

It turns out this guy's hair was way too thick because he's Erik Drekken. I don't know who that guy is. Judging by the picture they show of a ghost like superman punching a ghost like octopus monster in the face, I'm guessing Erik Drekken was the guy that Superman fought in the Braniac Satellite right before The Legionnaires attended a weapons' auction inside Superman's brain. I forget if he had a super villain name. At least it was a Secret Origin! I should have realized the Secret Origin of Lex Luthor wouldn't be left up to a Sholly Fisch back-up story! I'm so stupid.

Action Comics #0 Rating: No change. In fact, I'm not going to change the ranking of any of the comics for the Zero Issue Month. It feels too much like a wild card. I'll just make up a Rating for each comic that describes how well it dealt with the Secret Origin. So let me start again in the next paragraph and that will be the form to expect for all the future Zero Comics Ratings.

Action Comics #0 Rating: Multi-Originasmic!

Green Lantern Annual #1

Green Lantern's been slimed!

The comic book begins with the Oans discussing their failures across billions and billions of years. It appears their main goal has been the elimination of chaos in the universe. That seems silly. The universe is a chaotic place. I think the only for them to be happy is to eliminate their need to eliminate chaos! But instead, they keep making Armies to destroy the things they think are causing the chaos.

They created the emotionless Manhunters believing that emotion caused Chaos. But the Manhunters went and destroyed a whole sector and that was deemed a failure. But I bet that sector was less chaotic afterward!

The Guardians then believed that fear was behind Chaos, so they created the Green Lanterns to eliminate fear. But that didn't work either for some reason. Perhaps because Krona went and created a bunch of stupid Lantern Corps that made no sense.

No the Guardians believe that free will is causing all that Chaos. So the Green Lantern Corps and every other being in the universe is going to have to die. Because then no Chaos will be left! Except for all the non-sentient Chaos that the universe is filled with. These Oans are dumb jerks. Can't they see they're the problem? They have boundary and control issues. Someone needs to slip some Vicodin in their food so they'll let go and relax a bit.

The Guardians head off to free the First Lantern from some giant cube chained with Green Lantern light. But the First Lantern is guarded by another group of Guardians who have sworn to protect the First Lantern with their lives. Looks like it's time for a little blue man brawl!

You would think the ones kept in a dark cube for billions of years would be the ones to have gone insane.

The Guardians kill one of their long lost brethren and steal The First Lantern while the other lost Guardians stand around in shock. The Guardians lock them back up and leave with the First Lantern. On their way home, they notice Black Hand battling with Hal Jordan and Sinestro. This is the first time they're seeing that Hal once again has a Green Lantern Ring. They decide to charge up Black Hand so that he can kill Sinestro and Hal. Those Guardians are just insane. They don't make any sense! They decided the Green Lantern Corps had failed because it couldn't destroy the Black Lanterns alone. But now they're helping a Black Lantern because they've suddenly decided the Green Lanterns are the problem.

Whatever the Oans deal is, their plan works so why should I be complaining?

Green Lantern Hal Jordan is dead! Long unlive Black Lantern Hal Jordan!

The Guardians have finally decided to let the Black Lantern Black Hand live because they can control him without Nekron to back him up. They place him locked away in the Shadow Chamber to use later when they need someone to kill everything.

Sinestro's ring flies off to find a replacement now that he and Hal are dead. But something has gone wrong with the ring during the blast of Black Lantern power. It keeps screaming error as it searches for a replacement. My guess is that it is now like Jaime's Blue Beetle. It will find a replacement but that replacement will have no connection to the Guardians of the Universe at all.

And finally, the Guardians siphon the power from the First Lantern so that they can create the first member of their Third Army from their own flesh.

I'm not a fan.

These new Lanterns are part of the Guardian's consciousness, so they have no free will. A human stumbles upon this scene and is instantly transformed into the second member of the Third Army. The human's heart is removed because biologically that's where emotions and free will come from, right? The human is allowed to keep its eyes but its brain is now part of the new Guardians' Third Army Hivemind. And I'm guessing that everyone is already calling this Third Army the Borg Lanterns. If not, they will be soon!

Green Lantern Annual #1 did everything I expected it was going to do. Killed off Hal Jordan (although according to the Book of the Black, he'll be back as a Black Lantern) and created the Third Army. The Third Army just look like mouthless aliens. Although the human one that is allowed to keep his eyes sort of looks like a zombie from Return of the Living Dead. My main hope is that Hal Jordan becomes a likable character now that he's dead.

Superman Annual #1

Looks like a couple of brand new artists on this title. Except Rocafort's cover, of course.

The comic book opens on the Daemonite Homeworld 3,600 years ago. These Daemonites look human so I'm not sure how they connect to the Daemonites threatening the DC Universe in the present. That mystery will probably be explained later. For now, the Daemonites seem to have a problem. A princeling or something has brought his dead wife to the Queen as proof of this theory that their race is dying. She died during childbirth.

So perhaps 3,600 years ago, the Daemonites stopped being able to have children. Which would explain why Helspont's prophecy says that they must die to begin evolving again. They stopped evolving 3,600 years ago. This would explain why they all look like giant glowing jellyfish now because they're all bred in test tubes and incubators.

I'd probably spend less time reading comics if I just stopped putting the comic down every few panels to speculate on what was happening. I'll probably turn the page and it'll all be explained. But what good is my brain if I just use it as an input device? Typing out my speculations at least helps me to remember a large percentage of the comic books I've been reading. Although a good portion of them are probably best forgotten instead of taking up valuable real estate in my memory banks.

Look at that! I turn the page and it's explained!

The Daemonites seem to be losing their ability to reproduce because they've spliced their genes with so many different alien species. The Prince decides that he's going to save the Daemonite race no matter how long it will take. And it looks like it's going to take at least another 3,600 years.

Why are the Daemonites so involved in Superman's comic book? Because he's an alien of a race on the verge of extinction as well? They need to be simpatico? Superman really can't do much but fight one here or there anyway. According to all of the prophecies, only Grifter and Voodoo can do anything about the threat. So how about getting these dumb-ass aliens out of Superman's world?

The scene then shifts to Clark Kent's apartment and 3,600 years later.

Holy shit! Look at all the thought bubbles! Am I dreaming?

Here's my argument for thought bubbles versus the character's voice in narration boxes: it forces the writer to write things the character actually knows in the present. It removes the tendency to write as if the character is telling the story from some future point in time to some unknowable audience. I don't have a problem with Narration Boxes. I do have a problem with writers not having a good grasp on what they're using them for. I really don't know why thought bubbles have virtually disappeared from comic books. Are they just seen as old fashioned? I think writers just like using the Narration Boxes because it gives them a place to do basically what I'm doing here: comment on the story from outside of the story. What it also does is it takes away from the story itself telling the story. Lobdell has been a pretty big Narration Boxer up until now, so it's interesting to see this change of pace out of him.

Although as I continue to read, Lobdell is really filling up the pages with exposition. Just now it's in thought bubbles and not Narration Boxes! But at least it's Clark thinking to himself instead of speaking to some imaginary grandchild or writing some future diary entry.

As Clark is headed to work, he sees a gigantic ship in Metropolis's airspace. Using his magic vision, he notices Helspont is at the helm. And somehow, Helspont sees him. And somehow Clark knows Helspont sees him when Helspont says, "Hnn. Kryptonian." I guess I have to chalk that up to Super Duper Hearing or maybe Clark can lip read blue flames.

Clark changes clothes and then flies up to deal with Helspont.

Why does Superman suddenly think of Kurt Vonnegut's asshole?

Immediately after this, Helspont kicks Superman's ass with one backhand. Superman flies into the moon and then blacks out from a concussion. Was Helspont the Lobo of the Wildstorm Universe? How powerful is this guy? Most writers that have dealt with Helspont seem to want to portray him as the coolest super villain around. But since I have no history with him, it just seems cheesy and over-the-top. Anyway, Superman is once again unconscious and drifting in space.

Meanwhile outside Seattle, Martian Manhunter observes Helspont's ship. He considers getting Stormwatch involved although I have to wonder why Stormwatch doesn't notice an intergalactic threat and deal with it. Too small potatoes? If Stormwatch doesn't get involved then I have to believe that Helspont really isn't that powerful. But then Helspont's lackey that he sends to ask Martian Manhunter to join his cause defeats Martian Manhunter easily. So the two most powerful heroes in the DC Universe were just defeated by Helspont and his minions. But I'm supposed to believe that Grifter can defeat them?

And speaking of Grifter...

I know, right Superman?

I don't know how Grifter and Deathblow got Superman onto the escape pod. Probably a combination of Telekinesis and Deathblow's healing factor as he ran around on the moon with his blood boiling trying to retrieve Superman. It doesn't really matter since they're quickly attacked by Biomass (was that his name? From Grifter #12? Stupid!). Superman remains in space to fight Helspont's henchman while he throws Grifter and Deathblow's pod toward Earth.

Superman ends up on board Helspont's ship while more of Helspont's minions proposition some of Earth's heroes to join them. Starfire and Hawkman both get an invite to join something called the Thirteen Scions of Salvation. This was hinted at over in the pages of Red Hood as well. It looks like another Universe Ending Catastrophe is on its way and only the prophetic Chosen Thirteen can save the world. Helspont is trying to put together his team of thirteen.

Prophecy and future vision stories are just lazy. It's too easy to write a story where everyone is reacting to some vision from the future (this was the big problem with Heroes, the television show) or from some prophecy about the future from the past. I would rather read a story where someone seeks out a hero to help stop some coming crisis without everyone knowing somehow that this hero is THE CHOSEN ONE! How about everyone just fucking hope this asshole they've picked to help them works out? Or, better yet, how about finding thirteen assholes and hoping they can work together to stop some coming crisis. Also, the crisis should already be well underway so that it's obvious that something needs to be done. Instead of finding the CHOSEN ONE and then showing them the PROPHECY and trying to convince them to go on the QUEST.

Then it's time for Helspont's Evil Mr. Smarty Pants' Speech to explain it all to Superman.

That explains that!

Helspont finally leaves Superman to feel lost and confused at the end of the comic. Helspont wants Earth to be protected by Superman and the other heroes because Helspont believes the way to save his people is through the human meta-gene. And since Helspont and his minions are more powerful than every super hero on Earth, it's probably just best for Superman to forget about the Daemonites and just go back to his own comic dealing with the trivial day to day super villains he's used to. Just let Grifter and Voodoo handle Helspont, Superman. They may seem like weak, pathetic jerks compared to you and Martian Manhunter and Green Lantern and Stormwatch, but they have PROPHECY on their side!

Superman Annual #1 was really just a place to sort of set all Helspont's record straight. So while this comic book really had very little to do with Superman, at least it clears up what's going on with Helspont and the Daemonites. Okay, so it doesn't mention anything about Black Curate's side of things. I don't know what the Black Curate wants with Earth. Perhaps it wants the meta-gene to just splice into the Daemonites in their continued lifestyle has caused them to stop evolving and reproducing. And Helspont wants the meta-gene to fix the Daemonites so that they can go back to being a normal race of creatures that actually fuck to have children instead of putting an order in with the Master Geneticists.

I wouldn't recommend this comic book to anyone interested in Superman. But if Helspont's actions have been giving you a gignatic "What the Fuck?" across multiple New 52 books, then it might actually be worth picking this up. Or just reading that one page I scanned where Clarissa Helspont Explains It All.

The Flash Annual #1

The Rogues were created by thinking up possible one-liners to use against The Flash and then building a super villain around the line.

Captain Cold: "Flash! I didn't leave you out in the cold! Let's cold cock these cold-hearted snakes!"
Heatwave: "You'll drop the cold puns cold, Captain Cold, when I bring the heat!"
Captain Cold: "Put your puns on ice, Heatwave, or your goose is cooked!"
Weather Wizard: "Blow it out your arse, Captain Cold! I'm here to rain on your parade!"
Flash: "Jesus fucking christ, you guys can give me a migraine faster than you can say, 'Where's Captain Boomerang?'"
Mirror Master: "Let me reflect on that! No! I have a better idea! How about you reflect on this!"
Glider: "Really, Mirror Master? You just going to breeze through this fight with mediocre lines like that?"
Turbine: "WHHHHHHEEEEEEEEE!"
Mirror Master: "We'll see about that! Get it? Seeing? Like in a mirror?"
Flash: "Did the puns get rebooted right out of you guys after Flashpoint?"
Captain Cold: "Don't make me sCOLD you!"
Heatwave: "I'm going to SCALD you!"
Weather Wizard: "Did I make a blowing pun already?"
Flash: "Ugh. I'm just going to end this now. You'll all be in prison in less than a second. See you next time!"

I always felt the Rogue's Gallery could use an Aboriginal villain named Didgeridoom who would play his instrument and invade your dreams. Unless that's too subtle. Then maybe he'd just shove his Didgeridoo up your ass and scream, "Squeal like a wallaby!"

Chapter One involves The Flash running around some salt flats and speaking directly to me. He shoves his analogy straight up my ass instead of playing it softly and letting it filter into my subconscious. His analogy is that racing across the Bonneville Salt Flats is a lot like life. His analogy starts off shaky just like the people in the analogy trying to race on salt. That's pretty creative! But when he finally gets to his point, he's merely saying he misses his dad. Oh, and that he was pretty surprised that Dr. Elias betrayed him!

Chapter One was decent but would have been better if The Flash's narration boxes weren't addressing a listener. He really should be speaking to himself in his own head and not directing his comments at some mysterious "you." Beautiful art though. So we'll just call this first chapter a misstep.

Chapter Two is a flashback to the Rogue's Gallery of a year and a half ago.

Telling Captain Cold to "freeze" is like telling an old person that it'll pay off "in the long run." I don't know how they're alike! You figure it out. I'm done shoving analogies up people's rectums.

That's so funny I had to use it twice! "Analogy." "Ass." "Rectum." Hee hee hee.

The Rogues end up in a conflict with The Flash. They manage to escape into Mirror Master's mirror world but not before The Flash takes back the cash. Another score gone wrong because of The Scarlet Speedster! Everyone is fed up with The Flash always stopping them. Trickster has the right idea: maybe they should relocate! Seriously! Why commit crime in a city where the hero can practically be everywhere at once? But Captain Cold doesn't like that idea and he kicks everyone out so he can drown his sorrows in whisky. And then he meets a stranger (unless the stranger is Dr. Elias!).

Ah ha! So this guy is the one to internalize all of the Rogue's weapons! No more high tech guns for The Flash to grab out of their hands. And also why Heatwave and the others are pissed at Captain Cold.

Chapter Two more than made up for Chapter One. Nice little mini-story about the Rogues with the first hints about why everyone hates Cold and how The Rogues' powers were internalized. The art is far less polished than the first chapter but that's on purpose. It looks ragged and beat just like the Rogues. Really nice style here.

Chapter Three is called The Price and looks like it'll deal with the deal Captain Cold just made without asking anyone else. He just brings them all to the magic machine and tells them it'll give them super powers! They go through with it and it works although the drawbacks are substantial.

What is the mirror world like? Is it an empty duplicate world with a hodge-podge of Hollywood movie sets placed wherever a mirror is set up in the real world to look like whatever images can be reflected in that mirror?

Chapter Three details the creation of the Rogues of the New 52. I like this origin story. Now to just find out who set them up and I believe it must have been Dr. Elias since Glider wanted to get even with him so badly.

Chapter Four is very short. It has Patty meeting with Turbine in the hospital to take his blood sample. She's going to try to help him figure out who he is. And then they see a news report about the Flash and the mayhem at the monorail grand opening. Turbine grabs Patty and tells her that he knows where Barry Allen is

This could cause some problems since Barry decided to let Patty believe he was dead. Is Patty going to learn the truth and force Barry to resurrect himself? Turbine knows all of this crap because he lived in the Speed Force for years watching movies play out of Barry Allen's life.

Chapter Five returns to where Issue #12 left off. Captain Cold joins The Flash to help defeat the Rogues. Glider grabs Flash Godiva style with her hair and flings him into a glass door. He phases right through and enters the mirror world!

Oh, it's boring. BOOO! HISSS!

They battle for awhile until Flash gets the upper hand and escapes. Once outside the Mirrorworld, Captain Cold gets the drop on him and takes him down. Captain Cold and his sister, Glider, had a little chat and it seems everything is cool with them again. He's proud of the work his sister did leading the Rogues but she's breaking some major rules he set up. She went for revenge. Cold always said to keep it about the score. Keep it simple. Plus she nearly killed Dr. Elias and the Rogues don't kill. So The Flash is unconscious and the Rogues are a happy family again when a bunch of strange pods drop out of the sky and crash in the streets of Central City.

Monkeys!

The Flash Annual #1 did a lot of comic book stuff right. The art, by a variety of artists, was excellent across the board. The Rogues are a group of villains that aren't interested in fighting heroes at all. Now that's what a super villain should be! They're in it for the money and because they really can't do anything else. Or don't want to work too hard at anything else, anyway. It had a good mix of action and dialogue. And all of the characters were properly motivated! Plus monkeys! And Patty is about to find out Barry Allen is The Flash because of that spinning retard Turbine!