Green Lantern #11

This is why Green Lantern is ranked so low. No new reader knows why Black Hand is a Black Lantern or why he wants revenge. What makes him so dangerous? Who cares?

Sinestro awakens to find that he's been allowed to leave the Indigo Lantern Corps. But there are some catches.

Hal blasts Sinestro just to test it. And because he's a dick.

Hal Jordan finally has what he's been after: a Green Lantern Ring with no strings attached. I believe he still needs a Power Battery though. But he's too busy patting himself on the back for besting Sinestro to realize that. He's also too shallow and self-involved to notice the thing that Sinestro notices immediately upon returning to normal: Black Hand is missing.

Sinestro plays know-it-all and Mr. I Told You So while acting the arrogant prick and scolding Jordan. Just like he always does. But you can't blame him! Hanging around with Hal Jordan is like babysitting. But Jordan suddenly decides to try to be mature and responsible when he realizes Black Hand may have returned to Black Lanterning.

That's the Green Lantern calling the Yellow Lantern black.

Meanwhile, Black Hand has returned to Earth to bring Chinese Take-out to his dead family.

Is this his revenge? "Oh! I forgot the egg rolls! FUCK YOU!"

Meanwhile, Hal and Sinestro travel back to Korugar to recover the Book of the Black. While they're searching for Black Hand, the Indigo Lanterns will be forging more Indigo Rings to place on the Guardians of the Universe. This will subdue and change them so they stop being manipulative little bastards.

Sinestro retrieves the Book of the Black from his headquarters beneath his home planet.

So there is a book for every Lantern Corps? Why? What are the books for? Who created them? This is the dumbest Reboot in the history of Reboots!

Sinestro decides what they need to do is read the Book of the Black's prophecies because that never clears up anything. They already know everything they need to know. The Guardians are going to destroy all of the Lantern Corps and replace them with The Third Army. The Indigo Lanterns are making rings to fight this. Black Hand has once again become a Black Lantern and disappeared. But since he's from Earth, where the fuck is going to go? Yeah, Earth. So what do they need to learn from the Book of the Black?

Whether they need to know it or not, they get some glimpses of the future. John Stewart being zapped by the Guardians. Guy Gardner in prison. Kyle Rayner as a Red Lantern. Atrocitus leading an army of Manhunters. And Black Hand wearing a Green Lantern Ring and wielding a gun. Yep! That was helpful!

I guess the really helpful part that they didn't plan on is how the Book of the Black teleports them to Earth to join Black Hand and his family at the dinner table.

"Ha ha! We ate all of the Orange Chicken! REVENGE!"

Green Lantern #11 Rating: No change. Geoff Johns seems to think every Green Lantern story needs to be convoluted, over-the-top, full of history, and of universal importance. And, hell, they are the universal police force! He's probably right. I just don't think this comic series should have "The New 52" on the front cover. Just admit it's part of the old continuity and separate it from the rest of the experiment.

New Guardians #11

If Larfleeze were to defeat the Rainbow Corps, this is what would happen. Not the worst thing in the world.

With all the Central Batteries being destroyed, only the Violet Battery remains active. Last month, the Green and Violet batteries were left but since then, the Alpha Green Lanterns shut down the Green Lanterns main battery. We're getting closer to a world without Central Power Batteries! And now, if the Orange Lantern Larfleeze actually has a Central Battery as well as his little battery (I'm guessing it's one and the same), he'd better hide that shit because the Rainbow Lantern Corps are paying his ass a visit.

The Rainbow Corps have set up base camp on one of the moons of Okaara, Larfleeze's home planet. They're waiting for Munk and Bleez and I'm beginning to think I should have read Green Lantern #11 first although the stories don't actually affect one another.

Last I saw Munk, he was just returned to normal in the pages of Green Lantern. And last I saw Bleez, she was in the middle of a love/hate debate with Fatality on Zamora! So I don't know where she rushed off to that Fatality is back with the Rainbow Corps but Bleez needed to be fetched. Frickin' Lanterns are all overworked!

Meanwhile on Okaara, Larfleeze reconstructs Glomulus. Glomulus had been unincorporated (or something! I don't know the term!) by the cat-eating alien assassin in the pages of Blue Beetle. The Orange Corps is the best of the Rainbow Corps! Their members can be killed and then Larfleeze just recreates them and they come back having their memories right up until they were destroyed.

Larfleeze argues with his pet Guardian about how the Guardians have really been meddling lately. I have no idea why Larfleeze and this Guardian hang out since all of that is ancient Pre-New 52 non-history. But this Guardian doesn't have any current congress with the other Guardians and has no idea what they might be up to. I have a feeling that, very soon, the Rainbow Corps is going to realize that the Guardians are behind all of this nonsense.

Now that all the Rainbow Corps members are in attendance (except, of course, Larfleeze. Unless Glomulus is the Orange member of the Corps), they begin their assault on Okaara. But Larfleeze smells them coming and a Rainbow Battle begins!

You mean "Okaaraquake." Oh, Kyle. You humans are so narcissistic.

Meanwhile, on the outer edge of the Vega System, Invictus begins obliterating planets just like he said he was going to do. And since the flaming furnace in his chest has the power of the Death Star, and the Rainbow Corps have not kept up their end of the bargain, Invictus destroys the planet Aello first.

And he replaces it with the Aello from his Orrery. Invictus is doing his own DC Reboot. At least of the Vega system.

Back on Okaara, Munk's Indigo power is having little effect on the Orange Lanterns. Since the Indigo Lanterns channel the powers of the other Corps, he tries all of the colors but none of them seem to do much damage. Until Kyle suggests Munk channel the Orange Lantern power back on the Orange Lanterns.

No fair!

Kyle Rayner turns his attention to Larfleeze. Take out the general and all that, right? Right! Except Kyle is nearly knocked out by Larfleeze smacking him in the face with his Orange Lantern. Holy shit, you suck, Kyle. You have a weapon that allows you to defeat your enemies from great distances and you rush in to get your clock cleaned by a guy swinging a fucking lantern around. You, sir, are the worst.

Once Kyle is down, Larfleeze prepares to turn Kyle into an Orange Lantern. I think Kyle would die in the process! So Glommy jumps in to rescue Kyle. And Larfleeze is not happy about it.

But if Glommy stays dead, Larfleeze has a permanent hole in his collection. No collector can stand that for long.

The Rainbow Corps is about to capture Larfleeze when he calls out to Sayd, his captured Guardian, for help. But Sayd has had enough and decides that eleven issues is long enough to wait for the big reveal.

Well, for half of the big reveal. The explanation will have to wait until next issue.

Sayd doesn't explain any further because Invictus has just pulled up alongside Okaara looking to kill Larfleeze. Fatality also wants to kill him. So I guess next issue, we'll see who gets to him first!

New Guardians #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. Tony Bedard has been writing two very solid comics. It's too bad Blue Beetle sales are so low. It's a fun read but I'm guessing it won't make it past the fourth wave of cuts. I don't know what sales are like on this comic but I'm guessing they're doing okay since it's a Green Lantern tie-in title.

Voodoo #11

Seriously though. The Romans conquered Europa? I think Josh Williamson might have a slight reading comprehension problem.

Writing commentary on a comic book I'm currently reading is quite different from writing an actual essay or a piece of fiction. It's a little bit like free falling. At times I'm nervous because I don't have feel like I'll have anything to say. And sometimes I prove that! But with a normal piece of writing, you can set up outlines and work through drafts and edit and change and restructure. You can plan. But then I also know that when I pick up a comic written by Rob Liefeld or Scott Lobdell, I'm going to have plenty of material to comment on. It's the really good books that are the main problem.
Voodoo is not a good book. It's been mostly mediocre with some really surprising bad plot points. Voodoo's characterization has been all over the place and the title itself was basically rebooted halfway through! But I think it might be getting better. I hope it might be getting better. Actually, it doesn't fucking matter if it's getting better since it's been cancelled as of Issue #12.

This issue begins with Voodoo using her stripping to defeat the Centurions. No, you shut up! It's true!

She's right! In stripping and fighting, shirts come off almost immediately!

Of course, she did say "dancing." But since she was a stripper, I know she actually means "stripping." Because all strippers refer to their job as dancing. And since Voodoo has never actually done any dancing except the kind with the pole and the tassels and the dollar bills, she's talking about stripping.

"Those first few nights of stripping were bloodbaths!"

While she's thinking about her comparison, she's dodging the Centurions as they try to grab her. Just like at the strip club! She's totally right!

Another big distinction is the spitting blood and teeth!

I know another girl who'd agree with Priscilla on the dance fighting technique!

"Touch the butt!"

Meanwhile, Priscilla (you know, the good version of Voodoo) and her crew of Black Razor misfits are busy with their own road trip hijinks not too far from the Centurion battle.

How is Priscilla going to fight? She wasn't trained by Daemonites or Strippers?!

Lincoln tries to keep the joking to a minimum but it's tough with a crew ignorant of space and language.

You're on the right "moon" and it's "thanks" to Pris. Dumbasses.

The Black Razors continue to get all Space Marine on the Space Orks while Priscilla recovers enough to sprout wings and fly after Voodoo. I think they might work through their differences and become besties! Walker chases after her while Lincoln and Skvarla head over to another crashed ship to salvage parts. Magnus and Flynn continue to shoot Space Orks.

Interlude: Whatever happened to the special font DC was using to depict alien languages? You know the one! The one identified as "Old Portugese" [sic] in Swamp Thing #5? I haven't seen it for months now!

Voodoo leads the Centurions into the group of Space Orks and chaos ensues. I guess the Space Orks were too stupid to ever lure the Centurions away from the entrance to the Blue Flame. Or maybe whoever built the Centurions was too stupid to program them to not be tricked so easily! Their whole purpose is to guard the Blue Flame, not chase people around Europa.

Meanwhile, back with the Razors, Lincoln and Skvarla return to the battle with their parts only to witness Flynn and Magnus's final joke.

Ha ha! Hilarious!

Last commentary, I didn't think Williamson would kill any of the Black Razors. But I did say I felt like two of them were going to die. So I was sort of half right.

Priscilla and Alex Walker make their way to the Space Orks being massacred by the Centurions. Mol Stone, mortally wounded, mistakes Pris for Voodoo. But not for long! He smells her virginity and asks if she also was sent by Helspont. Alex Walker tells him they have been sent by Helspont and, hey buddy, could you give us a hand. And then even though Mol Stone just approached Pris thinking she was Voodoo, he tells them this:

"I saw her run into the temple and then I saw you and thought you were her but since you smell all pure and prudish, I realized you can't be her and so she must be in the temple where I just saw her go before I thought you were her also. Cut a mortally wounded brother some slack, wouldja?"

Pris enters the temple because the Centurions are the most powerful, worst guards ever. She catches up to Voodoo just as Voodoo is about to get The Blue Flame which will allow whoever wields it to rule the UNIVERSE! Yes, that's right. THE MOTHER FUCKING UNIVERSE! No problem, right? With the proper set-up, maybe a Wormhole Express, a person can keep tabs on his entire universal domain, right? What do you do when you rule the Universe? What more is there? "NOW I WILL CONQUER THE WHOLE OF TIME! BWA HA HA HA!" Ruler of the Universe really just sounds like a pompous, useless title. I can't even imagine how you do it! And my imagination is practically as good as a pre-schooler's!

With dialogue like that, it's a real shame this title is concluding.

Voodoo #11 Rating: No change. This certainly is not the best title in the New 52, as a commenter to my commentaries thought it was. But it's also not one of the worst. Overall, it just never found its footing and it really read like two different stories about two different characters named Voodoo with the change in writers. I won't be sad to see it end.

Justice League Dark #11

I see John's wearing Etrigan's armor but I can't place the Staff or the Amulet.

Abenezer, Rath, and Ghast manage to break Faust out of his cell and bring him the Tesseract. Steve Trevor hangs on long enough for Justice League Dark to arrive and save his ass. A lot of magical fighting goes on for quite a few pages until Constantine convinces Trevor to let him into the Black Room and gather some weapons to help defeat Faust and his demons. They trudge off to The Black Room while Zatanna and Deadman hold off Faust. I'm not sure how Deadman can help. Crack jokes?

Meanwhile, Madame Xanadu is on the hunt for the one person that can use the Books of Magic and not be corrupted.

That's a fat ass skateboard.

Apparently Constantine, Zatanna, and Xanadu tried to teach Timothy Hunter a while back but failed. Tim chose to go back to his normal life. Now Xanadu must find him and kidnap him back into the world of magic to take on the responsibility of the Books of Magic. She finds him but he just might not be worth kidnapping anymore.

I hope he gave his magic away to Kid Devil!

Meanwhile, back at ARGUS, Deadman is proving just as useful as I imagined!

Can't Zatanna say something like, "ekam eht tsohg laeroproc"?

It doesn't matter anyway. Deadman gets sucked away to a temporary vacation to the Land of the Dead and Zatanna is knocked unconscious. But the rest of Justice League Dark return from The Black Room before any permanent damage is done. Constantine appears with the left arm of Etrigan's armor, Merlin's Staff, and a glowing sword. He also has a satchel around his neck which probably contains some other goodies.

One of those goodies is The Skeleton Key which can open anything. Constantine brought it with him and manages to get the Tesseract away from Faust when Faust become distracted by a two headed dragon tattoo on Constantine's wrist. Faust recognizes it and thinks it means John is connected to someone. Constantine doesn't have any idea what he's on about. Maybe the tattoo represents Hunter's power given over to John? Whatever the case, John opens the map and discovers where the books are. But at that moment, he's attacked, betrayed by Dr. Mist.

So Dr. Mist and Felix Faust were working together to find the Books of Magic. Seems odd since they've been arch-rivals for thousands of years! I guess that's what makes it such a surprise to Constantine. Whatever! The Justice League Dark have been defeated and Faust and Dr. Mist have the open map to the Books of Magic. But since Constantine also knows where they are, I imagine it'll now be a Wacky Races type road trip to beat each other to the books.

Justice League Dark #11: No change. Minus points for having a team member (okay, okay. He's not really a team member!) suddenly betray the others. Especially since, historically, Faust and Dr. Mist are bitter rivals.

The Fury of Firestorm #11

"Touch it! TOUCH IT!"

Throughout my commentaries, I had been joking around that Jason Rusch had a crush on Ronnie Raymond and that Ronnie probably felt the same way but was still hiding behind his masculine football persona. But last issue, I decided to embrace the fact that this comic book was a romance and it had been the whole time. When viewed in this context, the entire comic book takes on a new and more entertaining, more emotional perspective.

See? This romance isn't just in my mind. These two are lost without each other and even Ronnie now fears where it all will end if they can't reconcile.

Having been doing Firestorm's know what behind the scenes for a few issues, the ladies at Zithertech are now realizing they have a closet full of problems. The nations they've provided Rogue Firestorms to are beginning to have doubts about the project. And Zithertech is having doubts about Ronnie and Jason, Firestorms they did not create and they now have no control over.

Back in Pakistan, Ronnie seems to have grown his arm back (or at least is capable of maintaining a nuclear arm) and Rakshasi has joined with him and Pozhar. At the end of last issue, Ronnie was demanding answers from both of these Firestorms but unless a flashback happens soon, I guess they ignored his demands because they're busy fighting another batch of Rogue Firestorms.

How has the Earth not been destroyed twenty times over with all of these fucking Rogue Firestorms everywhere?

Meanwhile, Firehawk and Jasonstorm are exploring an old Russian base where the Rogue Firestorm Protocol was first stolen. It's a Russian base and, I think, Pozhar's which probably explains why Rakshasi sees a similarity between Pozhar's energy signature and the Rogue's.

How cute! He calls Ronnie his other half.

I really should reread this entire series. I don't know if Zithertech is behind all of the Rogue Firestorms or if they just sell the American version while Pozhar's Russian Version was stolen and is being used to create unstable Firestorms. But I'll save rereading the series for a year end look at it and how well the romance theme holds up.

Jasonstorm wanders off following some Alpha Particles that are suddenly speaking to him while Firehawk makes a discovery about the Zithertech Firestorms while searching through Pozhar's files. The Alpha Particles turn out to be Professor Stein and he has a warning for Jasonstorm.

Professor Stein, Matchmaker.

The warning is that Ronniestorm has some special connection to the Quantum Field. Stein is worried that Ronnie is going to be used for ill by Pozhar. So Stein gives Jasonstorm another Firestorm Protocol and tells him that a second exposure to the Firestorm Protocol will "negate" the Firestorm.

Translation: The Quantum Field is being a fucking cunt.

Whatever Firehawk found out about Zithertech remains a mystery as Jasonstorm ditches her to rescues Ronniestorm. Meanwhile, Ronniestorm had a date with Pozhar in the Quantum Field.

I would have guessed this Firestorm merger would have been called Anal Rape.

The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #11 Rating: No change. There's a bit much going on. But shedding a few characters like Firehawk and Rakshasi while getting Jason and Ronnie back together should help.

The Flash #11

Wasn't Heatwave one of the Masters of Disaster from Batman and the Outsiders?

Barry Allen is dead. So is Clark Kent! Is this a new trend in Super Heroics? Forget the secret identity and just go super hero full time. But Flash isn't like Superman. Superman can go without eating or drinking or breathing or defecating for months. The Flash actually needs to eat ten to twenty times as much as a normal person. How is he going to afford that lifestyle? Is he just going to steal everything he needs since he's doing everyone a service saving their asses? I imagine he'll figure out he needs Barry sooner or later.

Barry Allen (Not Barry Allen?) has moved from Central City to The Keys in Keystone City where all of the criminals live. Nice to know the city has a place set aside just for them. He figures nobody will recognize him in the poor part of town and he can get a job and live in some decrepit apartment building. But first he needs a job so he can pay for the hundreds of tacos he eats every day. He uses the stupid power that I can't stand that lets him somehow see the different future of every possible choice he can make.

I hate that stupid power! The essence of it is that he can speed up his mind and use it like a Quantum Computer, seeing every single future possibility and then picking the one which best suits his needs. But just thinking fast doesn't let you see the fucking future, you stupid pricks! Also, thinking fast actually needs to be part of his super power or else he can't make decisions or see things or speak when running at super speeds. He would just be deaf and dumb and blind and instantly run into a wall.

Anyway, he finds a job at a saloon thanks to his stupid precognitive ability.

Least imaginative bartender ever!

Meanwhile, Flash's old friend, Dr. Elias, is on a media campaign denouncing super heroes. Yay. Another Glorious Godfrey/Superfail nutjob making comic books more boring and cliche. Who watches the Watchmen, motherfuckers! I'm pretty sure Watchmen was the final word on this whole society versus super hero motif.

Barry and Leonard (Captain Cold) are hanging out together at the bar watching Elias on television. Barry's job at this bar which seems to have a tradition of super villains drinking here allows him to keep an ear on underbelly of Keystone City. He's hoping to find out who's been burning down a bunch of buildings in the area. He and Captain Cold seem to be hitting it off a little bit since neither one of them is happy with Dr. Elias's crusade against super powered people. They commiserate and share a few drinks.

No, wait, that's me and a Cabbage Patch Kid.

That's better. Forget that picture of me cosplaying Captain Cold with The Flash as my hostage.

Just as The Flash is becoming good friends with Captain Cold, Heatwave busts in looking for Leonard. Heatwave blames Captain Cold for the burnt look and the pot belly stove.

Okay, so the furnace is actually in his chest. But I wish it were in his belly so the joke would work.

Barry gets tossed out the window which gives him a chance to return as The Flash. He doesn't know what they're arguing about but he ends the skirmish by running around them in circles and pulling the oxygen from the air. Once they pass out, the cops arrive and haul them off to Iron Heights prison. Seems Barry's precog power found him just the right job working at a Rogue's Gallery drinking establishment so he can keep an eye on things.

As for Cold and Heatwave's problem with each other, they work it out on the way to prison.

And with a little help from Cold's sister, looks like they'll be taking a detour away from Iron Heights. Along with Weather Wizard, looks like Lisa is collecting quite the Rogue's Gallery.

The Flash #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic reminds me of reading comics thirty years ago before I ever picked any title up continuously, a time when I could find a box of old comics in the paper recycling picked up by my grandfather. I didn't need to know the history of anyone. I just enjoyed reading about Nick Fury, Agent of SHIELD, or The Incredible Hulk, or even Archie. This comic has that kind of a feel. Like I could pick this single issue off of the rack at the drugstore and enjoy it on its own. Except it also has a modern sensibility and feel for continuity if you wanted to continue reading the series. I like it a lot.

Teen Titans #11

Can we please get a different writer to give us the origin of Wonder Girl?

Forget last issue. Lobdell was probably rifling through his old Dungeons and Dragons Modules when he came across X1: The Isle of Dread and thought, "An island full of dinosaurs? That would literally make an amazing comic!" And then he got out his purple crayon, wrote the script in fifteen minutes, and then jerked off on his own face in celebration.

And now Lobdell gets to give Wonder Girl her origin for the New 52. I can't imagine the Wonder Girl fans are going to be very happy about this. Even in my wildest imagination I can't come up with a story that will probably be worse than this. Maybe my pal and professional author, Grunion Guy, can?

The Origin of Wonder Girl
By Grunion Guy

Once upon a time, a woman was making a pot out of clay (I think that's what you make pots out of. If pots are actually made from bricks or mortar or something, an editor can fix that when this story is published). She names the pot "Cassandra Sandstrom" because she misspelled "sandstorm" and because she didn't know that Wonder Girl's name was going to be Sandsmark! Cassandra is a funny name because it has the word "ass" in it. So that could be her nickname and it probably will be when she gets to elementary school. Unless the woman who was an Amazon decides to home school her at home.

The day that the pot was drying in the drying hole, all of the Amazons were running around packing gift shipments because it was the day after Greek Thanksgiving unless it was the Monday after Greek Thanksgiving because one of those days is the busiest internet shopping day of the year and it kept the Amazons really busy. So the pot was drying like I mentioned earlier and suddenly it thought, "I wonder if I am a pot or a little girl?"

And that was how Cassandra Skidsmark became Wonder Girl!

The Origin and The End Both at the Same Time!

Thanks, Grunion Guy! Now if you could just get Insectorama to draw it, you could probably sell that fucker to DC.

I may be biased but I already prefer Grunion Guy's story.

The comic begins with Lobdell making sure you realize exactly how much pain Cassie is in constantly. I can see Scott Lobdell pitching the idea to the DC Editors: "Nobody has hurt like this for three thousand years! Fuck, dude! What was that pussy Christ complaining about? Fucking jew! And all those fucking whining bitches in the Inquisition? Nothing! Sitting on the anal rape chair with your ball sack in a vice? Candy canes by comparison! Having your intestines pulled out and stuffed with marshmallows and chocolate while roasted over flames that could turn metal molten? Elementary school recess! This bitch is in real pain, mother fuckers! She isn't losing her mind from this pain! She's losing her...WAIT FOR IT...motherfucking fucking motherfucking soul!"

Maybe I overstepped the boundaries of decorum by suggesting that Lobdell would call Christ a "fucking jew"! But then again, maybe I'm being kind! Actually, I've seen video of Lobdell answering "fan" questions and my characterization of him was filled with way too much passion. Unless you fall asleep while reading it, I've missed the mark of a Scott Lobdell characterization.

When did my readings of comics written by Scott Lobdell just turn into giant character assassination pieces?!

Oh, get this! This issue is called "Wonder Wonder Who." Fucking jerk. This asshole just cannot resist using lyrics as the titles of his stories. At least up until now, he's really just been doing that in Red Hood and the Outlaws (which I don't think I've ever mentioned. There's already so much to complain about!). But seriously, he starts off with that rant about how much pain Cassie is in. The first page is a full page of Cassie curled up in the corner by a smashed mirror and grimacing like a Liefeld character. And then underneath all of this pain and angst, WONDER WONDER WHO. "Ha ha! Get it? It's from that song that most of my fucking readers will have never heard in their lives! And it's kind of whimsical so of course it doesn't go along with the theme of pain at all! But if you happen to know the song, it evokes the idea of Love which is what Cassie is all about, right?! So maybe I better remember to include a strong love as redemption and worth the pain of keeping the armor theme! I bet I don't remember to do that!"

Anyway, as the omniscient narrator tells the reader, "Twenty feet away on the other side of the bathroom door" (which makes for a really thick door or quite the luxurious bathroom), the Teen Titans are fighting Beast with a rat tail.

I would have gone with "Take your vitamins, kids!"

The yelling and the commotion and the breaking furniture and Kid Flash breaking the sound barrier, none of that alerts Wonder Girl to the villain breaking into Red Robin's penthouse apartment. But when the television crashes through the wall, it snaps her out of her emo timeout. Instead of turning her deep feels into a cutting fest, she turns them all on beating the crap out of Faux Beast (with the rat tail!).

I'm guessing a high percentage of Lobdell's readers are wondering why this guy named himself after failing artillery.

Bad story short: Bunker picked up some guy on DC's version of Craigslist, blindfolded, and brought him back to the apartment. This guy turned out to be Lose Cannon (I'm sure that's what he meant by Loose Cannon, right? It was the internet version of Lose so I'm translating) but Wonder Girl stopped him by letting him steal her power. It shorted him out and he passed out in the bay where Cassie left him to drown, I guess.

I should probably clarify that Bunker put up an ad seeking heroes to join the Titans and not in that other section where you pick up "heroes" to "join" your "team".

Because Cassie called forth the power of her armor, Naked Evil Mystical Dick Grayson has finally pinpointed her, probably for nefarious purposes.

Does it always have to be about the end of the world? Can't it just be about the end of Wonder Girl?

Meanwhile, Superboy is hanging out in this comic book because his is just as terrible but lonelier.

If this dumb chick who thinks wearing a Superman shirt and having a Superman tattoo is a fetish is one of the "regular people", just fucking end the world now. Push the fucking button.

Superboy is brand new to the world so he probably doesn't realize that judging everybody based on one dumb New Yorker isn't the best way to go about things. But it's as good excuse as any to have him ditch his date to go save the Titans when Naked Dick Grayson knocks out the power to their building so he can catch Wonder Girl.

Kid Flash runs to the basement to check on the fuse when the power goes out. He's punched in the face by Evil Dick Grayson but manages to run back up to the penthouse before passing out. And immediately afterward, the knob on the door starts turning. So Naked Evil Dick Grayson has superspeed. He must, right? He just followed directly behind Kid Flash from the basement to the penthouse. Also, Solstice feels like explaining how her relationship with Kid Flash didn't actually come out of nowhere like it actually did.

Of course! Why bother showing their relationship evolve across ten issues when you can just drop one speech bubble to explain how it was happening all along. Especially since it was Bunker and Solstice who were doing all of the bonding.

Solstice recognizes the intruder as Cassie but she's never actually shown during the fight. The fight is just as bad as any of Lobdell's writing. Here's some of the dialogue exactly as it appears in the comic:

Possibly Cassie: "You're going to stop me? That is almost adorable."
Solstice: "I smile a lot, yes--because I am a happy person. But do not mistake that for weakness, Wonder Girl."

What. The. Fuck.

Possibly Cassie: "The armor was forged in the heart of the sun, Solstice. There is not a power on Earth that can scratch it--let alone melt it."
Solstice: "That's a mistake a lot of people make, Wonder Girl."
Possibly Cassie: "What's that?"
Solstice: "Thinking my power comes from this world."

Really? A lot of people have made that mistake? All, what? Six or seven you've met since being turned into Solstice? As if you even know where the fuck your power comes from yourself! Fuck you, Lobdell! The page ends after that statement as if Solstice is somehow going to get the upper hand after that revelation. But then Superboy and Red Robin arrive on the scene to find this:

Okay, so I guess it was Cassie. I don't know what happened to Evil Naked Spiky Dick Grayson.

And apparently Lobdell can't even write a 20 page story anymore. Red Hood has been running short to shove an uninteresting Essence story in the back. And now this story went fifteen pages and features a Fabian Nicieza and Jorge Jimenez backup entitled "WHEN DINOSAURS WALKED THE EARTH!" Just in case, you know, you haven't quite gotten enough of dinosaurs yet.

Three dinosaur-teenager hybrids wander out from Danny the Alley into China Town where they immediately cause chaos. Their names are Steg, Dac, and Teryx. They're looking for adventure and fortune cookies! Kid Flash just happens to be walking out of a restaurant with some noodles when he notices the chaos and thinks, "...if I had common sense, I wouldn't get involved. Luckily for all the boys and girls watching at home, I don't." Fuck you, Kid Flash! You aren't on a fucking television show.

The saddest part about this story is that it is going to be continued in DC Universe Presents #12! Well, I did call that DCUP #12 would be a one-shot. But I didn't think it would be taken over by a piece of shit story about teenaged dinosaur people with no motivation. Were these characters simply thought up with eyes on a lousy Saturday Morning Cartoon? My guess is DC Universe Presents will drop a few ranks next issue!

Teen Titans #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. It's really sad that the Teen Titans have such a shit book with a fucking hack writer at the helm. I wonder if Scott Lobdell will manage to kill the franchise and everybody's interest in the Titans?