All Star Western #11

The copy on the cover does a great disservice to the art. This series should just leave the words off and let the art speak for itself.

At the end of last issue, Jonah Hex was having sex with Tallulah Black while Arkham was very nearly being killed by The Court of Owls' Talon.

Arkham is putting the pieces of his and Jonah's last few adventures together.

Oh how naive! Dozens of secret, covert, and black ops organizations can practically exist in the same building in the New DC!

Apparently Jonah and Tallulah had finished cleaning out Tallulah's rat's next quite awhile ago and were now busy ambushing Bennet because he's a real estate flipping douchebag. But Bennet's bodyguard, The Crimson Pirate Molester (whose real name is Mr. Baroque (if it ain't baroque....)), prances out of the shadows to protect him. He shoots Hex in the shoulder but Hex shoots him in the face. Or maybe the shoulder as well because I don't imagine we've seen the last of the Crimson Pirate Molester!

After a bit of gunfire, Bennet is unarmed and at Tallulah's mercy. And then that fucking Talon decides to triple back flip twist into the middle of the fight.

With those tits, my guess is this Talon is one of Gotham's hot prostitutes.

The Talon escapes with Bennet in a cloud of ninja smoke bomb. Jonah and Tallulah decide to beat it before Gotham's dirty cops show up and start busting heads and arresting people for wanting to not be arrested.

Dirty Fucking Gotham Cop: "Okay! Break it up! What's going on here?"
Peaceful Gothamite: "Nothing, sir! Not a jim jammery jottin' thing, whut!"
Dirty Fucking Gotham Cop: "What did you call me? Do you want me to arrest you?"
Peaceful Gothamite: "Why, no officer! Please don't!"
Metaphor For Every Fucking Cop Ever: "That's it! You're under arrest for resisting arrest, you fucking cunt!"

The Talon doesn't escape far with Bennet. Apparently the trick for disappearing in a cloud of smoke using the traditional ninja smoke bomb is to quickly hide someplace nearby. This time, the Talon hung from the bottom of the nearby bridge with Bennet in her arms. And a noose around Bennet's neck. She leaves him to die by hanging and disappears.

The Court of Owls wants Hex to take the blame for Bennet's death. They rule by secrecy but I guess they don't mind people like Hex knowing about their Talon. Who's going to believe him? Besides, they probably figure he'll be killed in the ensuing chaos of the Crime Bibleers' retaliation.

How come the men don't get pets? Mr. Terror can have a Raven. Mr. Assassination can have a tiny crocodile. And Mr. Extortion needs a monkey.

Later that night, the Dirty Fucking Gotham Police storm Akrham Asylum Manor to arrest Jonah, Amadeus, and Tallulah for not wanting to wait around to not be arrested.

After resizing the scanned picture and saving it, I realized I should have altered the cops text to say he's getting sick to the stomach of looking at Tallulah's rat's nest.

Of course the Dirty Fucking Gotham Cops aren't merely taking their captives to prison. They're driving an hour or so outside Gotham to bring them to Dr. Steampunk Mengele. It's crazy Wild, Wild West Death Trap for them now!

Pshaw! A controlled opiate isn't going to have any effect on Arkham! Too bad Arkham isn't exactly the go to guy for escape plans.

But it isn't Arkham who isn't affected by the opiate. Unless Arkham is just faking being passed out until Jonah wakes up since he has no idea what to do in extreme situations like this where death is quite probably going to be the outcome. It's Tallulah who's with it enough to formulate an escape plan as well as an essay on sexism.

As if she hasn't tied her fair share of men to things!

The Five Crime Lords arrive to find Tallulah Black missing. Apparently news doesn't travel fast enough in the old west or else the Crime Lords would have heard how the August 8 made this same mistake. I'm pretty sure if you have an organization of crime that you should never get all of your leaders in one place to do the dirty work. That's what followers and lackeys and henchmen are for, dumb dumbs!

Be here next month when the battered and bloody and dying Crime Lords answer the door to hear: "Telegram! Dear Crime Lordians. Stop. August 8 tried to kill Jonah Hex. Stop. Idiots all gathered together in one place for him to pick off. Stop. Yours sincerely, New Orleans Crime Bible Gossip Paper. Stop."

Reading the back-up story, I notice Justin Gray and Jimmy Palmiotti misuse "whom" for the second time this issue. Not that I really care. But they should just stick with the tried and true method of using "who" all of the time since percentage-wise, it's most likely the right choice. And if they get it wrong, it's less retarded than sticking "whom" everywhere.

This is the second comic in a row where I initially didn't give a shit about the back-up issue but I've become a fan! Dr. Terrence Thirteen is the bee's knees!

Gotham is being plagued by The Haunted Highwayman, so Dr. Thirteen is recruited to uncover the mystery of this brigand!

So much awesome on this page.

Dr. Terrence Thirteen looks like Jason Scott of Textfiles fame if Jason were to just shave the bottom half of the beard.

So much awesome here too.

Dr. Thirteen heads out with a posse and ambushes The Haunted Highwayman. But the Highwayman turns his flamethrower pistol on Dr. Thirteen! Will he survive?

All Star Western #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm not surprised how much I like this western book with Jonah Hex. But I am very surprised that they didn't find a writer or artist to ruin it.

DC Universe Presents #11

Every little girl's dream.

It would be wholly appropriate while reading this story arc that I tell some father stories.

Dad, 32. Me, 8.

The man in the above picture is far, far removed from the man I know today. I suppose the boy is, as well.

And perhaps I won't tell any father stories. Not because the current version of my father would probably be horrified that I was telling strangers on the internet personal stories about his life. But because it's hard to find something funny to say about a recovering alcoholic who left when I was two, took me on a week long vacation to his sister's house in Truckee that I look back on as his failed suicide note, disappeared for a number of years during my high school years, and now thinks that we're somehow good friends. Although when he started freaking out and becoming increasingly paranoid about Y2K, it got a little bit funny!

Father: "We've got enough food and room in the house if you want to hunker down in bunker town with us.
Me: "Um, no thanks. I've got a costume party to go to in Seattle where everyone will be dressing like aliens and awaiting the mother ship as it descends. We figure it'll be arriving in Seattle because they probably think the Space Needle is one of our escape vehicles."
Father: "You're leaving your house? And going out of town? Do you realize how many things are controlled by computers? You won't be able to pump gas to get back home. Truckers won't be able to deliver food. The freeways will be packed with people fleeing the food riots of the cities! It's going to be complete chaos and pandemonium."
Me: "Yeah, well, it's going to be a great party. Do you think this hole is big enough to store your barrel full of guns and ammunition? I've got to go ready for the trip."

The man in the picture above was about a decade removed from Vietnam. That man once told me if the country ever goes to war again and they have another draft, he would personally drive me to Canada. The man he is now believed the Middle East should have been turned into a parking lot after 9/11. He watches Fox News constantly. He lost a shitload of money in the stock market and yet continues to believe in it and invest in it and support it. But I guess he's still chasing the retired millionaire lifestyle he sees all of his old Intel co-workers living because they didn't continually sell their Intel stock to subsidize their weekend blackouts.

The man he is now thinks he's a rebel but he was just a corporate, middle-management tool who was spit out by the machine and forced into early retirement because he was costing the system too much. Now he sits around without his teeth, drinking coffee and smoking, while telling fart jokes and turning every statement into a sexual innuendo. Especially funny to him is when he does this with his ten year old granddaughter (my niece! Not my child! None of those parasites for me!).

When I hear Nick Cave's The Weeping Song or Faster Pussycat's House of Pain or, I guess because it's probably expected and cliche, Chapin's Cats in the Cradle, I think of him.

I suppose we have a better relationship than Kassidy Sage and her immortal, mass murderer father Vandal. Although I think it might be a toss-up whether this relationship, the one where he thinks we're good friends and I, more and more, find myself seeing him less as a friend and more of the man who abandoned me and doesn't deserve my friendship in his later years, or the one with the immortal killing machine father is better.

This issue of Savage begins with a scene nearly identical to the one that begin last issue. But instead of little Kass Savage running home from school to find her mother in tears and her life ripped asunder, it's little killer Swan running home from school to find his mother in tears because her husband has just been killed by Vandal Savage. This is the same day.

Let it go, Swan! Let it go!

Swan has Kass Sage tied to an alter and continuing the grand tradition of super villains by telling her his tale of woe and the reason for his murderous temper tantrum. He tells her how his father was the one to catch hers.

Get it?! His father is named after Adam West and Burt Ward!

Since Vandal Savage jumped out of the helicopter last issue and didn't explode on impact, he's able to stop Swan before he cuts Kass's throat. But this is what The Swan wanted. The entire copycat killings (which he learned how to do from his father's coded notebooks) were merely to lure Vandal Savage to this place and this confrontation. I wish I could make plans like this that work! I can't even stop myself from being distracted by random happenstance and wandering away from any plan I make.

Fisticuffs ensue. The Swan says his father was a genius and he blames all of the killing he had to do to get Vandal here on Vandal. Vandal says he's known geniuses and his father was, maybe, merely intelligent at best. And Vandal suggests that all of the Swans murders not be laid upon himself but upon the man that actually committed them since the Swan could have thought up many other ways to enact his vengeance. But in the end, when The Swan has Vandal down and decides to see if Vandal can be killed once and for all, Kass saves her father's immortal life by taking the Swan's mortal one.

I predict Savage will simply laugh at this and leave.

But I often predict everything wrong. I never said I was a psychic or could talk to the dead! Well, I suppose I can talk to the dead. But they're not going to answer back.

What if he's like the Greek Gods in Wonder Woman and can be killed by family?

But nobody will be finding out if anybody is immortal. Enough time has passed that back-up arrives with multiple helicopters and dozens of SWAT team members with laser targeted guns trained on Savage. Even Savage apparently doesn't want to be ripped apart by machine gun fire and he's soon once again back in Belle Reve. Kass leaves, telling him never expect to see her again.

And then he vomits up the keys to his restraints. Ta da!

DC Universe Presents #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. The story wraps up nicely and doesn't disappoint. My guess is the next issue will be a One Shot because judging by the cover of Issue #0, it looks like Issue #0 is going to be an update on the characters of the cancelled titles.

Blue Beetle #11

Blue and Gold! Together again!

The founder of Superfail.com (a website that doesn't actually exist but is now available for auction at fucking bastard godaddy.com for $10,000), Thaddeus Miller, is a low grade Glorious Godfrey and he's on a media blitz to turn everybody against super heroes, starting with Blue Beetle. But Booster Gold debates this jerk on one of those crappy national morning news shows that actually thinks they're doing some kind of service to mankind. Fuck, the attitude on those "TV personalities." They're worse than reality television celebrities! I have more respect for the assholes on Big Brother than I do for the cast of The Today Show. "Morning News Entertainment." They should all be renamed The Bullshit Show. NBC's Morning Bullshit! Bullshit This Morning with Katie Couric! Weather, Traffic, and Bullshit. CNN should just become 24 Hour Bullshit. And Fox News should be renamed Racist Bullshit for Scared Middle Class White Pricks. And NPR should be renamed Highbrow Bullshit in Quiet, Thoughtful Voices. Local news stations should just be Local Bullshit Interrupting Your Prime Time Television Shows.

Ahem. So, Booster Gold appears on this television show to sell more Booster products defend super heroes.

Booster looks a little derpy here.

Elsewhere in the city, Brenda and Paco are conducting their own search for Jaime. Brenda is super cute and since she's a comic book character and not a real person, I can lust after her even though she's fictionally underage. That isn't weird. I mean, it's probably weird that I'm lusting after a nonexistent, pencil-and-ink character. But no weirder than my mega-crush on Amy Wong of Futurama. Brenda and Paco don't actually know where to begin looking so they head off to meet with Jaime's grandmother. I can't wait to meet this loony bird!

Jaime somehow heard Booster Gold on Morning Bullshit This Morning. He probably saw it on the giant monitor in Time Square and since this is the DC Universe, it was blaring the sound down on all the pedestrians and honking cars. Jaime's going to contact him and they're going to become the bestest friends that ever were!

Does every coffee shop in the DCnU have to be a parody of Starbucks? My favorite so far was Tsarbucks in Little Russia but I forget which comic book that was in.

Booster and Beetle set up a meet later in the day by the Statue of Liberty. It doesn't go as well as Jaime had planned.

No! You're supposed to hug him and tell corny jokes and drink beers and ogle chicks and go super heroing together!

Booster Gold isn't the greatest with history and such, especially without Skeets, but he does know about The Reach and how dangerous they are. So he never meant to mentor Blue Beetle at all. His only goal was to destroy him before he could lead the rest of The Reach to Earth.

While Booster and Beetle exchange blows, Paco and Brenda check out Jaime's grandmother's house. But his grandmother is gone. A fortune teller greets them and lets them know where the cards have said Jaime would be. They learn he should be in Washington Square but before they can figure out where that is, a bunch of agents from the DEO show up and kidnap them. Seems Director Bones has wants Blue Beetle back and Paco's energy signature is nearly identical to Blue Beetle's. That's because Paco has a Reach Healing Cockroach in his system.

Back in Washington Square where Blue and Gold seem to have landed in the middle of their fight, Jaime's grandmother watches the battle take place.

Oh the feels! Stop it!

Jaime's grandmother beats Booster over the head with her walker because she recognizes her grandson. Maybe it was the fortune teller or maybe it was because she overheard him speaking Spanish or maybe she just recognizes her kin, but she saves him. Booster seems to think twice about pursing this and tells Beetle to meet him the next day in Prospect Park and they'll figure out what's going on. An editor's note mentions the meet-up will continue in Justice League International Annual #1! So the JLI has been cancelled but it's still getting an annual? That's good. I wasn't totally ready to stop commenting on how pathetic that super hero group was.

Jaime's grandmother also wants to have a meeting with Blue Beetle so she tells him to meet her at her apartment since she doesn't want to be seen on the streets with him in his armor. All of a sudden, Blue Beetle has lots of places to be! It looks like he's eaten out of his last dumpster. I wonder if he'll meet the Teen Titans soon.

Meanwhile at the Department for Extranormal Affairs, Director Bones orders surgery on Paco to remove the Scarab technology wrapped around his heart. That doesn't go so well.

Yay! It's Blue Beetle's grouchy sidekick, Robin Beetle!

Blue Beetle #11 Rating: No change.

Batwoman #11

I liked Sune better when she didn't have a penis.

Last issue, I was hoping it would be the last issue of the current story arc. But it just keeps going! Not that it's a horrible story. But, you know, it keeps going! I think Batwoman's comic is supposed to mirror Batman's comic. So while he's fighting the Court of Owls and his own inner turmoil about his relationship with Gotham, Batwoman is fighting Gotham's Urban Legends and her intense desire to fuck the shit out of Detective Maggie. Seems like a pretty good parallel.

Oh, anyway, last issue, Sune transformed into her brother Maro right before Batwoman's eyes. But I don't think Batwoman remembers the transformation. Hmm. That sounds really familiar and I can't quite place why.

Yeah, a bit, actually.

Oh yeah! The woman changing into a man right in front of other people who don't realize the transformation was from Buffy the Vampire Slayer! Glory and her brother, um, Doctor Not Glory!
Meanwhile, in the hospital, Jacob's story is taking place right now! I think all of the various stories being told are all going to be told in the present so this story arc can reach a conclusion. The doctors are ready to give up on Kate because she's taking up a valuable bed and she's been in a coma, like, a really long time.

Doctor: "Other people really could use the hospital real estate, not to mention her valuable organs, and don't you think it's better to let her go, Jacob?"
Jacob: "She's strong! She has the strength of a flaming bird! Get it? Hint hint. She can't die. Do you really think Williams and Blackman got the go ahead from DC to kill a long time member of Teen Titans West? Did you hear me, Doc?! TEEN. TITANS. WEST!"
Doctor: "Bah! Look, I'm a fucking doctor and this is just a person I don't give a shit about and you do. You just need to listen to the profesh..."
Flamebird: "Uncle Jake?"
Jacob: "She's awake! Doctor! She's awake!"
Doctor: "No, no. That was just an involuntary muscle spasm."

Now Maggie's story which takes place fifteen minutes from now. Okay, so this will show us the end of Batwoman's fight with Maro from a different perspective and then we'll get to go back in time fifteen minutes to see how it all went down from Batwoman's view? That's crazy!

Yes! I can't wait to read the story about fifteen minutes ago where Kate fucks everyone!

So, fifteen minutes ago, Chase appears at the fight scene between Batwoman and Maro. Oh boy! Here it goes! How do you think Chase and Batwoman and Maro are going to screw? I bet Maro transforms into a beast with twelve penises and just starts plugging the holes of anything that moves. And then maybe Chase will...oh. Um, nevermind. Chase didn't mean "screwed" as in "fucked" but "screwed" as in "fucked over."

My scene would have been so much more interesting.

Batwoman stops Chase from killing Maro and then throws FemBatarang into Killer Croc's eyeball. Batwoman must be really precise with her violence to know that she's not going to accidentally kill anybody even though she keeps freaking out every time anybody else uses a weapon on someone. And because Batwoman screwed up Chase's shot, Maro is only wounded and transforms into a fox. And foxes always manage to escape through the portal with all of the kidnapped children!

What the hell is a "gios"? Or "gio"?

Kate Kane also had a story moment where she sat on the couch revealing secrets with Maggie Sawyer. No, no! Not the Batwoman secret! But she does tell her all about her family and Maggie shares that she has a daughter. I think that means they've entered a new stage in their relationship! Is this Third Base?

Batwoman #11 Rating: No change.

Catwoman #11

All it took to fix Selina's zipper was for Guillem March to start working on a new title?

Nope! It's still busted. And get off the fucking kitchen counter, you Goddamned cat!

I just noticed that the cover was by Guillem March! I guess he thought it was too somber and sad to have her tits falling out of her costume. I don't know. The dead girl's thong is showing. That's pretty hot. A little cleavage wouldn't hurt. And maybe Dollhouse's balls hanging out of his skirt. That cover would still have a sad tone, right?

Back in Alvarez's apartment which Catwoman broke into last issue to try to get his help with the Dollhouse case, Alvarez tackles Catwoman off of the kitchen counter because he prepares his food there! He also apparently has two refrigerators in his apartment. That seems a bit suspicious.

To her right.

To her left. One must be for food and the other is for prostitutes.

The noises from the altercation bring one of the Detective's neighbors to the door to check on him. But Catwoman screams like she's having sex and the neighbor goes away. This is just more evidence that one of those fridges houses sex worker body parts. This comic might be more interesting from Detective Alvarez's point of view. He can't stop himself from killing hookers but in his day job, he's a law abiding detective that doesn't take bribes and thinks of himself as better than the dirty Gotham Cops. But then Catwoman gets him to help her on this case where he confronts Dollhouse, a criminal who also kidnaps sex workers off the streets of Gotham. Now Alvarez has to confront his own inner demons while trying to arrest Dollhouse. As he realizes he's no better than Dollhouse, Alvarez kills Dollhouse in a blind rage. Alvarez disappears and takes up the mantle of Dollhouse in Coast City.

It's got to be better than listening to Catwoman narration box her fight with Alvarez as if she's lecturing a college course with the film playing and she's just put it on pause to say:

There is no craft being honed here. Winick is just vomiting out a story as it comes to him. Why would Catwoman think like this in the moment? She wouldn't, you fucking hack. Now I've been pulled out of the story and I don't even fucking care why Alvarez has two refrigerators anymore.

Catwoman finally gets control of the situation while I think about what to eat for breakfast after breeze through this comic I suddenly don't care about.

"Shit! She's on to me!"

Alvarez is a grown man so he doesn't have to hide his boner when Catwoman gets off him to leave the way Blue Beetle does. Not that he doesn't have one! He just doesn't have to hide it!

Meanwhile, The Dollhouse is busy with problems of his own. He's got deadlines he can't fulfill, product spoiling. and clients breathing down his neck. And now he needs to hit the streets to collect more inventory. Owning your own business is such a pain in the ass sometimes. But I do realize one thing that allows me to forgive Winick's crappy Narration Boxing: The Dollhouse is a full-fledged villain with his own personal motives and history that have nothing at all to do with Catwoman. Catwoman isn't even a super hero and she has better villains than the Justice League!

Luckily for Catwoman and Detective Alvarez (and the readers so they don't have to read fifteen boring stakeouts, night after night), Dollhouse hits the street on the very night they go out to look for him! Catwoman also has Sparky Boy helping out because she needed a third set of eyes and a penis.

Dollhouse appears in Catwoman's territory.

And Sparky's territory.

And Alvarez's territory.

Oh, The Dollhouse is female. Go back and reread everything but change any incorrect pronouns.
The Dollhouse steals a bunch of sex workers along with Detective Alvarez. Catwoman arrives on the scene too late. She finds a bunch of drugged prostitutes with tranquilizer darts in their arms. The stress of business is really getting to The Dollhouse. She's getting careless and leaving a trail of sleepy hookers across Gotham!

Perhaps next issue will be the wedding of the year between Detective Alvarez and The Dollhouse! They'll have a ceremony and kiss and exchange rings and cut the Cake. Cake is capitalized because it's the name of a fifteen year old male prostitute they covered with frosting to celebrate their union.

Catwoman #11 Rating: No change. I just now noticed the cover says, "Dollhouse unmasked"! I guess I was concentrating too much on Selina's boobs.

Captain Atom #11

Yay! Final countdown until Captain Atom's final issue! Hooray!

Captain Atom is finally cancelled. I thought it should have been canceled in the first wave of cuts. But I also thought Green Arrow should have been canceled. And Hawkman. And Detective Comics. But as you can see, people will continue to buy comic books no matter how bad the comic book writer is if the comic contains a character that is near and dear to their rear. Everything Tony Daniel writes should be canceled. Everything Scott Lobdell writes should be canceled. And everything J.T. Krul writes should be burnt and shot into the sun.

Do you think J.T. Krul is sad that Captain Atom was canceled? I like to believe he just shrugs his shoulders because he knows he's simply half-assing the writing job on this thing. My dream writer for this book would be Philip K. Dick. Holy fuck would do wonders with this character. And my dream writer for Swamp Thing would be H.P. Lovecraft. Except I'm not sure Lovecraft could write a comic book script. He fill it with Narration Boxes and then I'd bitch and moan the whole time because all the dialogue was in half-remembered memories and old, mysterious letters.

At the end of last issue, Captain Atom created a rival for Ranita's affections. What a fucking dumbass piece of shit. Now he's got to compete against his doppleganger and Scott Scott Alexander Scott Alexander Alexander Scott Scott!

Captain Atom begins this issue not understanding anything he's thinking. Objective reality can never be known because it can only be seen by a subjective viewer. And that viewer is probably drunk, if he knows what's good for him. Captain Atom then complains that the coffee table in the room can't really be understood until we bark our shin on it. At that point, we can understand the difference between Elves and Business men. And later we lie to our diary.

Okay, so he didn't say it as entertainingly sophisticated as I just phrased it! But I think his first narration box is J.T. Krul's defense for his own horrible writing!

See? He's saying I can never actually know if his writing objectively sucks! It's theoretically immune to my actual criticism! What a fucking genius!

Basically what it all boils down to is this: Captain Atom is pouting. He has all time and space at his fingertips. He can control all the matter in the universe. And all he can effectively do is pout and whine and doubt himself.

While Cap pouts, his handler, Mutated Stephen Hawkings, whines.

It's like J.T. Krul is trying his hardest to remember how Jon acted in Watchmen and describe it here.

After this little speech, Mutated Stephen Hawkings whines, "You're mine! I made you! Give me your secrets!" Not exactly like that. But really fucking close.

In the Continuum where Captain Atom is pouting because Ranita is out on a date with himself, objects and people begin to appear out of thin air. Scott Scott Alexander Scott Alexander Alexander Scott Alexander Scott's dead mother appears. A chest belonging to another worker when he was a kid appears at his feet. And Mutated Stephen Hawking continues to speak to an unresponsive Captain Atom going from one supposition to another about what's going on. Some fucking scientist he is.

Dr. Megala has a scientific theory!*

*sung poorly to the tune of "I've Got A Theory" from Buffy the Musical Vampire Slayer

I've got a theory! It's a loser! A fucking loser, no something isn't right there.
I've got a theory! Some writer's writing! And we're all reading what his crappy mind's created!
I've got a theory Krul should fucking quit! Because he ruins every comic book he's ever written!
It could be awesome! Just really awesome! Which is ridiculous cause Green Arrow was a jealous bastard chasing realty TV stars while dinosaurs fought in Korea.
It could be money!
It could be---MONEY IS THE ONLY THING DC F'N CARES ABOUT! THEY BUY WEED AND COKE AND SHOVE IT UP THEIR NOSES! AND WHAT IS UP WITH BEAST BOY? WHY IS HE FUCKING RED INSTEAD OF GREEEEEEN NOW! MONEY! MONEY! IT COULD BE MONEY!
Or maybe idjits.
I've got a theory! Go read Maaaaarrrrrrrveeeellllll!

After Dr. Megala declares he doesn't want anything from Captain Atom and that he's not going to play Captain Atom's game (which Captain Atom isn't playing. He's just being quiet!), Dr. Megala flies out of his wheelchair and disappears into deep space.

No, seriously. I know I often lie about a lot of things when I'm writing these commentaries. Half the time, you don't even know if I'm actually describing the comic book action or I'm just indulging my own twisted fantasies. But this time I'm serious. He flies into deep space. Okay, okay. I see you want proof. How dare you not trust me after I wrote you a song parody and everything.

Well, it's a fucking damn good thing Captain Atom has decided he can't play God anymore.

Actually, Dr. Megala doesn't physically fly into space although that would be more interesting. He just collapses on the floor not breathing but knowing everything there is to know because that was his wish. It probably killed him. Because Scott Alexander Cubed's mom is completely freaking out. And the other worker, Benjamin (Jacob's favorite!), open the chest to find all of the heroclix he's lost over the years. But they explode and he catches fire.

Apparently, Captain Atom has turned into a fucking Monkey's Paw. "Free wishes that turn out to be curses for everyone because my other half which isn't really me nor my other half is about to fuck Ranita, that asshole!" cri cri cri cri cri

Captain Atom #11 Rating: No change. This comic book is just a silly mess.

Green Lantern Corps #11

Are the people who work in Internal Affairs pricks because Internal Affairs hires pricks or because pricks like to work in Internal Affairs?

Last issue, Guy broke John out of prison while the other Green Lanterns distracted the Alpha Lanterns. But the other Green Lanterns lost all power to their rings and now John and Guy are on the run with no one to help them. Like the cover says!

Any Green Lantern that gets in the Alpha Lanterns way has their ring drained and they're immobilized. But one of the Alpha Lanterns refuses to arrest any of them because he's becoming increasingly uncomfortable with Lanterns battling other Lanterns. I know, rite?

You know you're on the wrong side when even Salaak won't follow shitty bureaucratic orders.

Of course the Guardians are watching the entire thing because they've been manipulating everybody any way they can. Whatever is going on right now is only working to further their plans or else they would put a stop to it. In The New Guardians comic, I was speculating that they're working toward a DC Universe that doesn't need central power batteries. I sure wish they'd get to a point in the DC Universe where the Guardians of Oa were extinct. Boy I hate those fuckers.

John and Guy take refuge underground in the Ring Foundry. They delve deeper and deeper looking for something they can use against the Alpha Lanterns.

They aren't going to stumble onto the Guardians new army. Right? Too easy, right?

Why isn't all the equipment that created the Manhunters destroyed? Those things didn't work too well. Perhaps the factory should be firebombed? And are the Alpha Lanterns robots? Perhaps the originals were but they probably rebelled and went insane like the Manhunters. So the Guardians just shoved that hose onto the chest of normal Lanterns and flipped the switch. And maybe if I knew anything more than "Green Lanterns once couldn't affect anything yellow", I'd know what the Psions were as well!

Well, Guy and John don't find any current Guardian experiments. But they do take pieces of all the failed experiments to build an army to fight their battle for them.

A few of them should be saying, "No Manhunter escapes the Manhunters."

A big fight ensues and many Manhunter Kits are destroyed. But they've been powered with some special Green Lantern Seminal Fluid from deep within the bowels of Oa! They slowly reform but not into their original shapes. They're all collected into one gigantic Alpha Lantern killing Manhunterstrosity.

Green Lantern Corps #11 Rating: No change. This issue was pretty slow and uninteresting. One of the Alpha Lanterns began having second thoughts and the rest of the Green Lanterns are on John's side. The Guardians are just sitting back waiting for whatever they want to happen to happen. Lots of fighting and not really much else to speak of.