Dial H #1

If this guy is relying on phone booths, let alone phone booths with rotary dials, he's humped.

Dial H is the first comic of DC's Second Wave of New 52 titles. I've got three more new titles immediately following this one and am looking forward to all of them except G.I. Combat written by J.T. Krul. Although it also features the creative team from All Star Western, so maybe J.T. Krul's shit won't be smeared throughout the issue.

Dial H is written by China Mieville. I had never heard the name but DC was hyping the fact that an actual, real honest-to-goodness author was at the helm of one of their comics that I decided to see who the hell this China was.

Bit of an up and comer over the last decade, isn't he? I don't generally read a lot of new Science Fiction or Fantasy literature. Mostly it's because there is so much of it that I've never taken the time to research what's worth reading and the other mostly because I still have many Philip K. Dick novels left to read. But I'll give this author the benefit of the doubt seeing as how he likes the weird (so do I!), he played a lot of Dungeons and Dragons (as did I!), and he's a card carrying Marxist (I have a worker owned business!). Plus he's a writer who had the motivation and ambition to actually write novels in the actual world whereas I have never had the ambition nor the motivation nor the need for pats on the back and thus my writing languishes in pads and pads of paper, multiple text documents on laptop desktops, and my litter of webpages across the last decade and a half (most notably 1/3 of No Apologies! but my current homestead, somewhat abandoned as I catch up on comic books, Places & Predators). But just because he's an award winning and established author doesn't mean he can write a decent comic book! Look at that other writer they've got over there doing Birds of Prey! Bleck!

Before I jump into Dial H, I think I'll head over to The Cup and Saucer for breakfast. Be right back.

The hero. Quite a bit fatter than Bolland's cover.

This is our protagonist, Nelse. A man in his late twenties who just recently suffered a heart attack. He's out of shape, smokes, and lives in a crappy little dump of a toilet. His friend, Darren, has had enough and storms out. Perhaps Darren is also a protagonist since he gets little Blue Narration Boxes and Nelse gets little Yellow Narration Boxes. I just assumed the big guy was the main character since he's on the cover.

Darren knows Nelse has been really down on himself lately seeing that he's jobless and out of shape and nearly died. And Nelse knows Darren is only looking out for him so Nelse runs off down the alley to catch up to Darren and apologize.

That phone booth you ran buy is magic, H.R. Huffenpuff!

The guys jumping Darren aren't just random muggers. They're beating up Darren for some guy or thing or woman named "X.N." Apparently Darren didn't keep a promise. Or it could be retaliation for wearing that orange jogging suit. It's hard to say in such a depressing little shitsville town as Littleville.

Nelse gets punched in the face and knocked backward by the decrepit phone booth in the alley. Since he seems to have forgotten his cell phone, he jumps into the phone booth to call someone for help. When he uses the phone, he's transformed into Boy Chimney.

Is this is super persona because he smokes?

Now would seem a good time to research the old Dial H for Hero comic. Who's Who here I come! Dial "H" for Hero first appeared in, big surprise, House of Mystery #156 in 1966. House of Mystery seemed to a be fertile ground for creating long standing DC titles. Some kid found a rotary dial with alien letters on it and he figured out how to dial the equivalent of H-E-R-O in the alien's alphabet. Why he did this or why he thought that was a good idea instead of dialing S-E-X or, well, S-E-X, I have no idea. But when he dialed HERO, he became a hero with random super powers, never the same one twice. He had to dial O-R-E-H to transform back into a normal kid. At some point, some other kid received the power and then didn't need the dial because, you know, how stupid is that. He would transform into a new hero every single hour! So I guess even when he slept he would just keep changing over and over again. So that's a very brief synopsis of the history of this title.

After reading about Dial "H" for Hero, I'm guessing Boy Chimney won't be a constant character in the book. Being that China's fiction is described as Weird Fantasy, he probably was attracted to the idea of creating new and strange super heroes every month. This title already feels a little bit like Doom Patrol. Boy Chimney would certainly fit in there.

Nelse's mind seems to be somewhat split as the new hero. He knows he's Nelse but he also knows he's Boy Chimney. He instinctively understands all of his new smoke powers but he doesn't quite understand the strange things he's saying although they reflect what he's thinking. By breathing in the smoke of the city, Boy Chimney knows everything the smoke has touched. He can see the entire city by breathing deep. He also nearly kills Darren's attackers by drowning them in the poisons of the city. But he allows them to live as he makes his escape with his unconscious friend.

Oh! Nelse is short for Nelson. I is smartish!

Just after Nelson delivers Darren to the paramedics, he returns to his fat, normal self and collapses on the rooftop. The last Dial "H" for Hero guy who transformed every hour on the hour would lose his powers after expending a certain amount of energy. It looks like that's the same deal with Nelson. I have a feeling he won't simply keep transforming though. This story is going to deal with these two friends and their all too normal human problems, so they're going to have to spend a lot of time as normal guys. He'll probably experiment with the phone booth again later and get Darren to try it out as well. Then they'll take care of this "X.N." person and whatever other problems they've got in their lives.

Later, one of the guys that beat up Darren calls up X.N. to report on what happened. It looks like these trouble-makers already have a female super hero they're dealing with called Manteau. Which is fitting because she wears a hooded cape. But this bald asshole wants protection from Boy Chimney since fighting creeps with super powers if beyond them. And it sounds like X.N. is going to provide them with some kind of super villain.

The next day, Nelson heads back to the phone booth.

I would think somebody would have carted this Phone Booth off into their flat years ago!

Nelson finally stumbles on the correct combination by remembering he dialed a short string of numbers and then just dialing random words as he's thinking. He stumbles upon "if so" and BAM! He's a new Hero! This one is made of sadness and cries a lot.

Sometimes I sit in the dark and weep like a super hero too!

Nelson, as Captain Lachrymose, warns the bald guy, Vernon Boyne, to leave Darren alone. But that's all he gets the chance to do since Vernon is guarded by an elderly woman with a black hole for a mouth. Now that's a direct link to the last run of Doom Patrol where they recruited the guy that was a living black hole! But Nelson isn't sure what to do about fighting another person with super powers since he's so new to the game, so he retreats after threatening Vernon.

After the encounter, Vernon gives X.N. a call for new orders now that they've got some weirdo or weirdos constantly butting into their business. The new orders are to just kill Darren and be done with the whole mess. That actually sounds like a pretty good evil guy plan for once. Let's just wash our hands of this fuckery we've gotten ourselves into and move on. We also get a glimpse of The Owner, a guy sealed off behind some glass and wearing a radioactive suit of sorts. He also has long, weird fingers.

At the end of the issue, Nelson returns to the phone booth one last time. Curious? Or is he addicted to the power? He realizes just before dialing one more time that the number, 4376, spells HERO. And that's that for the first issue.

Dial H #1 Rating: I was prepared to not like this comic because an actual author was writing it and who does he think he is being all writerly and literate and shit? But this is a really good book so far. Doom Patrol has always been a favorite of mine due to all the weird and this comic has that feel. I also like that the protagonists are normal guys who, it appears, we're going to get to know as normal guys. What is going to happen to them when they have so much power at their fingertips? Especially since Darren is already into some pretty ethically ambiguous stuff. I'm going to place Dial H at Rank 15 just between Suicide Squad and I, Vampire.

Stormwatch #9

Seems to me Stormwatch is more than a match against a single Red Lantern. Maybe they'll actually just meet up and have tea.

Peter Milligan has moved on from Justice League Dark to Stormwatch. When a writer has left any other title in The New 52 up until now, the book has taken a totally new direction. So let's see what Mr. Milligan does to Stormwatch and their Daemonite Headquarters.

I guess Stormwatch was too busy to notice when all of the different colored Rings visited the Earth in New Guardians #1.

Midnighter and Apollo are sent to Earth to investigate the Red Ring wearing alien, Skallox. Skallox has gone to Earth to investigate the creation of Rankorr. I think. Guy Gardner was also supposed to head to Ysmault to help out Rankorr but did he ever arrive? I don't think he did! Sometimes there's just too much stuff to keep track of, especially when characters are appearing in several books at once.

Apollo and Midnighter are dropped off in Devon, England, to face the Red Lantern alone. That's because Manhunter, Hawksmoor, and Jenny Quantum are currently in Rome, Italy, investigating a super powered person that looks like Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man.

Looks like Leonardo's drawings were based on this guy who must have worked for Stormwatch 500 years ago!

Stormwatch being the super secret organization Stormwatch is, they clean up their mess after bringing the Vitruvian Man aboard the Eye of the Storm. Engineer reprograms a satellite that caught the encounter. Martian Manhunter erases everyone's memory of the event. And Jack Hawksmoor rebuilds the city. That's a pretty efficient secret group! Suicide Squad and The Blackhawks and Checkmate and N.O.W.H.E.R.E. could take a lesson from them.

Back in England, Apollo and Midnighter meet up with Skallox. Apollo gives him the benefit of the doubt and tries to reason with him. I like this approach because he doesn't just assume a guy with a flaming red ring and a head shaped like an ox skull is automatically a bad guy.

Turns out he is. But at least he didn't assume it.

Midnighter quickly puts Skallox down by cutting off his ring hand. Skallox isn't completely dead once the ring is removed since Midnighter places the severed hand back on Skallox and Skallox resumes life functions. But cutting off the hand with the ring at least puts Skallox into some kind of coma. I think if the ring is completely removed from all parts of the body, Skallox would die. But maybe there's something in the way the ring works (or just Skallox's alien body) which keeps the host from dying simply by removing the limb with the ring.

And Skallox would die, as The Engineer later points out when they bring Skallox aboard the Eye of the Storm and remove the ring from his finger. Skallox is put into some kind of Empire Strikes Back liquid tank to keep him alive while Stormwatch experiments on the ring. But they have more important guests to tend to, so they leave Skallox alone for awhile.

The Vitruvian Man has calmed down and is more than eager to tell Stormwatch his history, as it ties in so closely with theirs.

Da Vinci must have been The Engineer in his Stormwatch.

The Vitruvian Man gets completely too worked up talking about how his comrades were ordered by the Shadow Lords to kill his love, Isabella. He explodes out of his bonds in a massive burst of energy, rocking the ship and helping to allow Skallox's ring to break free from its container. The ring flies off to create a Red Lantern out of The Vitruvian Man except Midnighter breaks his neck before he can accept. The ring then turns to offer itself to Midnighter!

Midnighter may have saved the day but he's definitely worried about his ability to kill getting out of hand. And though he claims his rage is in check, the Red Lantern Ring definitely though different. The Engineer traps the Ring in a field which simulates intense rage from all directions. This keeps the Red Ring in stasis as it cannot figure out which way to head. And Midnighter goes back into the Simulation Room to continue training and to ponder how long the Shadow Lords may find him, or any one of them, useful. What will they do when they have no need for certain of their powers anymore? Come after them as they did The Vitruvian Man?

Engineer ends the simulation here. But we all know this encounter is just a matter of time!

Stormwatch #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. I enjoyed the casual pace of this issue. A lot of minor details about the team and their relationships with the Shadow Lords is revealed amongst just a small amount of violence to keep the action set happy. I also like that Stormwatch now has a Red Lantern Ring in their coffers. I have a feeling it will become useful many, many, many issues from now, probably even a few writers down the road. A new writer will come onto the series and remember the Red Lantern Ring and make use of it. Or Peter Milligan will deal with it pretty quickly since the next issue of Red Lanterns is going to deal with Stormwatch! So, yeah.

Red Lanterns #9

I can't tell. Is Bleez still sexy even as a decaying zombie Lantern?

Bleez and her rebellion Red Lantern Corps have gone to Sector 876 and the planet Sarff Minor to begin their Cosmic Vengeance Program. She and her Corps destroy a race of beings that have been terrorizing other defenseless races on the planet. Bleez is hoping that Atrocitus will hear of this success and leave Ysmault to confront her. But she doesn't realize that Atrocitus has his own problems.

Last issue, Atrocitus and the loyal Red Lantern Corps were growing sick because the Red Lantern Battery was poisoned. The Red Lanterns blame Rankorr, the new Red Lantern from Earth who got his Master's Degree in English Literature which probably explains why he can speak like a normal person instead of spitting red vomit everywhere. Now it's Rankorr versus half the Red Lantern Corps. But Rankorr has an advantage: he can actually use the Red Power Ring to make constructs from the Red Vomit!

They do now! You're obsolete, Zillius!

Atrocitus appears to stop the fighting before 3 or 4 pages of comic are wasted on useless in-fighting. He claims the Red Lanterns are dead because the Red Battery has been destroyed. Hopefully he just means that metaphorically. You know? The old way of doing things is dead and now they need to learn a new way of surviving. Right?

Dex-Starr with Atrocitus' crotch.

While Atrocitus calls Zilius a fool, Bleez and her Revolutionaries arrive on Ysmault to overthrow Atrocitus because she got tired of waiting for Atrocitus to come to her. I guess when you're full of rage, waiting 30 seconds makes your head explode. Rankorr watches the fight in disbelief. To him, a human, these are all monsters and the fighting is horrendous and gory.

You know something? The Red Lanterns are a fucking mess. But I imagine a comic book title based on the Star Sapphires would be just as bad. Except instead of having every member constantly trying to kill every other member, it would just be panel after panel of hugs and compliments. This whole idea of having Galactic Security Forces that run off one single, specific emotion is just a terrible idea every way you look at it. Even the Green Lantern Corps has always had serious issues with the Power Rings choosing people with great Willpower yet no common sense (G'nort), no humility (John Stewart), no compassion (Guy Gardner), and no intelligence (Hal Jordan). Okay, maybe I got some of those names and faults wrong. I'm no Green Lantern scholar! But I think I made my point. Maybe.

While The Red Lanterns are fighting, the planet itself begins to tear apart. Rankorr seems the only one with his wits about him and tries to get the madness to stop. Because humans are, you know, different and special. Somehow.

I was low balling the time Bleez was off-planet with the 30 second line but it doesn't seem like I was off by much by Bleez's own admittance.

The Red Lanterns stop fighting once Atrocitus shows them the decaying Red Power Battery. They are all doomed a slow death unless they can fix the Power Battery. But they can't do that until they know why Abysmus, the creature that poisoned the battery, was brought back to life and by whom. Atrocitus tells the Red Lanterns that they must abandon Ysmault and search for a cure for the battery. Bleez thinks they should go after the Star Sapphires. Atrocitus is going after Abysmus. And the others, well, I don't know. I guess they'll follow who they follow. But The Red Lanterns seem to have abandoned their plan as Cosmic Punishers. Instead, they have a more personal mission to attend to.

This comic needs more Dex-Starr.

Red Lanterns #9 Rating: No change. This comic book has been all over the place. I guess Red Lanterns don't find it very easy to focus on anything. But this comic has been all prologue to stories that never develop. It's like a kid who just can't pay attention. First Atrocitus wanted to get his team under control so he gave Bleez intelligence. Then he couldn't trust Bleez so he gave more Red Lanterns intelligence. Then he wanted to have the Red Lanterns become bringers of vengeance on those who deserved it. Then Krona disappeared and Abysmus showed up. Then Bleez really was rebelling even though she wasn't before and it was just Atrocitus being paranoid. And then the Power Battery was poisoned and everything, even the rebellion, went out the window. And now, just now in Issue #9, it looks like The Red Lanterns are ready to get moving. It's like they've been packing for a camping trip and everyone is finally in the car and ready to go. Fuck. Finally! Let's see some action, Milligan!

Animal Man #9

Animal Man's covers suck.

Last issue ended with Animal Man killed by crows and other crazy Rot Animals. But it's not that easy to kill somebody that has access to the Life Web. He probably just allowed his essence to drift out of his body and across The Red. He'll figure out how to get a new body later.

Animal Man remembers the time he once dreamed about meeting Grant Morrison. Most of Buddy's life has always been very dream-like and crazy though, so I wonder how often he remembers something and believes that it was a dream? Like now. He's currently floating through the bloodstream of The Red. It's hard to tell exactly what's happening since comic books offer static panels. So he's either coming apart or being put back together. Or he's a tiny creature along with other dead animals floating through The Red which looks like a person coming apart. Or being put back together.

Whatever going on, Animal Man thinks it's weirder than meeting Grant Morrison. I doubt that's true even for someone who wasn't written by Grant.

Buddy's family are headed into Texas in search of The Swamp Thing. Now that Swamp Thing has taken care of The Rot (or at least put it down for the time being), maybe he can help destroy The Rot in The Red as well. And Swampy will probably end up fighting Rotten Buddy Baker.

Meanwhile, in the Bone Orchard, Buddy Baker is discovering that he is, indeed, dead.

What's wrong with being reincarnated as a slug? Don't judge, hater!

I wish Buddy wasn't connected to The Red. I wish he was connected to The Crayola Corporation. Then maybe some of the backgrounds in these panels would be worth looking at. I'm tired of all these red panels with the occasional bone or sinew piled about. Let's see something beautiful! I noticed Travel Foreman isn't doing the art on this issue. I wonder what happened to him? Maybe he had to go draw some really flat, boring backgrounds for the government.

On the road, Maxine wants to enter The Red to look for her dad since she's can't feel him anymore. And Socks the Cat thinks they should keep traveling east to find the Swamp Thing. But Ellen Baker has decided that they aren't going to do anything weird ever again! So I don't know where they think they're going if not to find Alec Holland.

And then The Rot finally makes some fucking sense!

Even in a comic book, a dead raccoon makes me sad.

This is what I've been bitching about in past commentaries of Animal Man and The Swamp Thing! The Rot needs The Red and The Green! They all need each other! Hopefully the things that have been making The Rot seem evil have simply been other beings using The Rot as their method of attacking people like Alec Holland and Buddy Baker. I'd much rather see The Rot as a third elemental form that protects the whole life process like the elementals for The Green and The Red. I don't know that that will happen. But it would be more interesting than playing The Rot off as evil.
But after Rotten Buddy enters The Rot, he meets up with his two other Rotten Brothers. They're big goal is still to take Maxine for their own. Perhaps their intentions shouldn't be categorized as evil though. Maybe they're just seeking to keep a better balance between the three. Perhaps Maxine will make The Red too powerful and The Rot would rather that they be more powerful. Except as I explained in Swamp Thing #9, the balance of power between the three will continually shift due to the relationship between the three! Even if The Red somehow becomes too powerful, it can't sustain itself. The Red feeds off of The Green and The Green feeds off of The Rot and The Rot feeds off of The Red (and The Green but more so The Red). The Red gains power and devours more of The Green. The Green runs low and The Red dies off, giving more power to The Rot. More Rot means more Green which can feed more Red! Cycles, bitches, cycles!

Back to Buddy Baker in The Red, the Shepherd of the Bone Orchard gives him a bit of a history lesson as they travel to see The Totems so that Buddy can get his body back. The creatures like The Shepherd were lesser servants to The Red. Not quite avatars like Buddy and Alec Holland are but more like Buddy Baker himself. When they died, they chose to serve The Red in other ways. But since Buddy needs to continue to help Maxine, he's probably needed more in a living body than serving in The Red, so I imagine he'll get his life back. But the Shepherd also mentions why Maxine is important.

This is making more and more sense all the time! Or it's at least making the kind of sense I wanted it to make!

It looks like the Avatars and the Lesser Servants of The Red, The Rot, and The Green are the metaphors for the three realms fighting for balance. And that means The Rot isn't evil. And I hope The Rot gets a non-evil avatar instead of relying on Sethe or The Rot Queen or William. I'd like one with a comic title of his own to match Swamp Thing and Animal Man. One with an Avatar that is trying to do good and keep the balance. Also, because the balance is a constant struggle, I imagine Alec and Buddy will have a few confrontations of their own.

And then back to the Baker Clan and their travels. And it looks like the thing they didn't know they were looking for that will help them out found them instead. And it goes by the name of John Constantine.

Yay! John Constantine can cure anything! Possible side effects include: death, second hand smoke, evisceration, demon attacks, apocalypses, and being called a wanker.

Animal Man #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. I think I've been wanting to enjoy Animal Man much more than I've actually been enjoying it. I've liked the Baker interactions and Buddy trying to keep his family together. But The Rot has just been bothering me. And I remember the old run in the nineties and just haven't been satisfied with this run. Until now. I'm really glad that Jeff Lemire has begun to portray The Rot a bit differently than the evil, out of control version in The Swamp Thing. Being out of control and needing balance restored is a great way to look at what's going on in The Swamp Thing. But with Sethe and William and The Queen of Rot all being portrayed so evilly, it just hasn't felt right. But Lemire looks like he's addressing this here! I was really happy to read the page where The Rot enters into the dead raccoon. That rang true to what is going on between these three realms battling for balance. And of course all three realms are going to vie for the upper position as long as they can, right? It's instinct! So a storyline that pits Alec against Buddy should be up and coming. And it should be great! It better be! I'm expecting a lot out of Snyder and Lemire.

Green Arrow #9

This is how Green Arrow should always fight! Guns that shoot little green arrows! He didn't fucking name himself Green Bow! So these guns still work for him! And it's so much more believable than running around shooting a bow and arrow at super powered enemies!

Green Arrow and Cordelia Skylark begin the issue spooning. They're taking a break from the hunt they're on. I kind of forget what they're hunting. Green Arrow says they're taking a break from "a bear hunt" so perhaps they're after the giant polar bear that is supposed to be King Leer's next body. Unless I made that part up in my last commentary. Fuck, why am I such a liar? I can't believe anything I say and these blogs are supposed to help me remember what's going on in each comic month after month. If the Blackhawks ever continue their story, I'm really not going to remember what's going on in their world since I just made up everything that happened in the last issue.

Green Arrow wakes up to the sound of guns cocking. Hee hee. He's got ears like Clarice Starling. He manages to take out the Natives shooting at him by shooting his tiny arrow guns back at them.

Does Green Arrow have a history of using pistols? Because I just pulled out my own gun (Hey! I'm American! I've got tons of them!) and tried holstering it like this. And I shot myself in the fucking testicle.

The Natives were shooting at Green Arrow because they thought he was King Leer. Not because he looks like him but because King Leer's deer were parked outside. And the best way to kill somebody you want dead is to randomly blast holes in the side of a house you suspect they might be inside. The Natives don't like Leer because he's ruining the land and destroying the game. Green Arrow, being green, wants to help restore the Native's land.

Bullshit! You just aimed through the bullet holes in the side of the wall believing the trajectory would lead your arrows straight to the victims! You couldn't know if you were going to kill or injure or just fucking miss with every shot!

After Green Arrow lies to the Natives since he really just got lucky that he didn't kill any of them, he patches up their wounds and gets some information out of them. They lead Oliver to the mine that's ruining the land. Cordelia Skylark is beginning to get sick because she's been separated from her sisters for so long. The Natives think Green Arrow needs to infiltrate the mine and stop the destruction. Yeah, yeah. He'll probably get around to that soon enough.

Back at King Leer's Castle, a program for breeding mutant armor-covered lemmings is busily under way. The dwarf questions if this is a profitable program and King Leer just bleats out some Shakespearean bullshit. He sends Regan Skylark to find Green Arrow and steal him away from Cordelia Skylark.

Won't this just make Goneril Skylark sick from separation while Cordelia gets better the closer Regan gets to her?

Green Arrow and Cordelia Skylark head into the local town where one guy runs everything. And this one guy is a gigantic asshole.

So when male writers write women in comics, they make them overly sexy cum dumpsters. And when women writers write men in comics, they make them sex obsessed pervert assholes. Seems about right!

Inside the bar are a bunch of other town assholes and a great big scene that I'd have been embarrassed to write. It basically goes like this: Green Arrow enters the frontier town. Locals hate new people. Green Arrow spits for some reason (bad beer? Why is Green Arrow drinking beer anyway? Wouldn't that take him off his aiming game even if just a tad?). Spitting is a reason to hang the new person. Fight ensues. Locals brag about being tough by spouting tall tales. Green Arrow kicks their asses. Green Arrow strikes a deal with them to kick out the miners and get their gold back. Locals now respect Green Arrow because he kicked their asses. They agree to his deal. And why the fuck does Green Arrow want that Polar Bear back?!

That summary doesn't do justice to how horrible that scene I just read was. The locals are terrible caricatures. Green Arrow is drinking alcohol before going back into the snow without protection and to fight people where he'll need all his wits about him. And he's going to now be using dynamite.

Hell no. Believe me, crazy don't make up for cute.

While Green Arrow is at the bar, Regan Skylark enters Cordelia Skylark's room upstairs and injects her with something that instantly paralyzes her. Somehow it makes it so she can't speak but she can still breathe. I'm not sure how that paralytic works. But then, I'm not a doctor! I'm just an asshole! Anyway, Regan shoves Cordelia under the bed so that she'll have to listen to Regan Skylark fuck Ollie's negligible brains out.

And they're apparently fucking on a futon with no mattress while Cordelia has to watch between the slats. Oh, and she also gets to cry because that one lone tear is always the only thing a completely paralyzed person is allowed to do. Something always makes them sad so that one single tear can fall. Pathos!

I'm not sure how getting drunk and spending the afternoon rutting in the hotel fits into the plan, but then I also don't remember why they're trying to get their polar bear back either. So I'll just assume I haven't been paying attention and believe that the steamy sex had to happen. And the drinking!

I should develop a drinking game for reading The New 52. Anybody got any ideas? Then I'll write all of my commentaries while playing the drinking game sitting alone in my office! But if I have to play it on work nights, that could cause a problem when I begin running people over with my floor buffer.
Another meanwhile, Naomi is arriving in town via some kind of air transport. I don't know what kind of transport because the panel is a view from inside the cockpit not because I'm a stupid moron who can't tell the difference between a plane and a helicopter.

The next morning, Green Arrow and Cordelia Skylark head into the mines. I guess after the wild sex, Green Arrow fell immediately to sleep while Regan Skylark put Cordelia Skylark back into bed and then headed back to her father. And Cordelia doesn't remember anything about the previous night which Regan warned her would happen. Which just seems weird than that Regan wanted Cordelia to hear them having sex when she wouldn't remember it. Green Arrow follows a route through the mines given to him by Regan although he thought it was Cordelia. And it leads him right into a trap!

Why is he fucking surprised? Ollie, you're an idiot.

Ollie battles King Leer. Green Arrow uses a gun, of course. King Leer just punches the shit out of Ollie's stupid face. If I sound a little bitter, I am! Green Arrow betrayed me! I thought the comic book was getting better but this issue has just sucked Grifter style. Green Arrow never even used a bow! What the hell is that about?

Anyway, Green Arrow is losing the fist fight when the dynamite blows. I guess he had the locals set it up on the top of the mountain while he was busy fucking the Skylark. I guess that was where the fucking came into the plan! He needed to waste some time while the locals set up the dynamite. So the top of the mountain collapses in on the huge cavern that was the mining operation. After the top blows off, Naomi's helicopter is waiting with a ladder to rescue Ollie. Perhaps Naomi met with Ollie while he was drinking in the bar and they planned this escape. Ollie hops on the ladder and offers to rescue Cordelia Skylark except he also breaks up with her at the same time. Since Ollie won't have her, Cordelia chooses to dive into the trap door which her father climbed into and declared that the daughter that loved him most would follow him into it even though it was about to get buried under the mountain rubble. Goneril and Regan said, "Fuck that!" and decided to ski down the side of the mountain to safety. So I guess Cordelia Skylark does love daddy best and he knows it before it's too late! Which makes this story a tragedy because he's a goddamned douche-possum.

Green Arrow finds himself rescued but continues to kick himself for the rash decisions he made because he found himself fucking triplets. He thinks, "I made some mistakes. I think they're going to haunt me." Moral of the story: When you're only on Issue #9 and you've already tried out three different writers, you're going to get fucking cancelled, asshole.

Green Arrow #9 Rating: -1 Ranking. Wow. After all that, I almost typed, "No change." And then I remembered some of the Narration Boxing Green Arrow did on the last two pages. "Didn't the Buddhists say don't get attached to things?" "She tells me there's a new arrow in town." Wait, what? What the fuck did I miss? "But I forgot my bear." What was up with that fucking bear?! If I could only remember, maybe the entire storyline would make sense! Eat it, Green Arrow! I am sick to piss of you. Look? I'm not even making sense I'm so tired of your dumb crap.

Action Comics #9

What is Earth 23 like? I'm excited to find out!

Let me start by saying I think the Little Man might be Mr. Mxyztplk of the New 52. I mentioned it in different non-Action Comics commentary, so I thought I would put it out here while I'm thinking about it. Also, the last story finished the big initial storyline and this one takes place on an alternate Earth, so I probably don't need a recap.

Can't a man hate black Superman for reasons other than his skin color? Like his annoying need to stop criminals? Stop snitchin', bitch!

Superman of Earth 23 handily defeats Lex Luthor on page one. Lex Luthor nearly has a stroke trying to convince Superman that he hates Superman because of everything about him and it's not about his race. Poor, misunderstood Lex Luthor. He doesn't hate Superman because he's black. He hates Superman because he's from Krypton! That's a totally different kind of racism. Get it right!

Superman investigates Lex's lair to see what he was up to and finds a giant cube which serves as a gateway between dimensions. This sounds like another object that is going to completely screw up DC Continuity!

"All right, Mister Morrison! Pull over and show me your writer's license. Do you have Didio's permission to fuck up continuity?"

While investigating the giant cube, some dimensional travelers step out of it.

These are alternate versions of Lois Lane, Jimmy Olsen, and Clark Kent. Well, they were alternate versions of Jimmy and Clark.

Lois and her now burned up freedom fighters are dimension hopping looking for help to stop some great evil from their Earth. Superman 23 believes that he can help them. Or her since the others have fried to a crisp. Or nearly. Clark is still clinging to life.

What happened? How did they come to Earth 23? The three friends developed a machine which could amplify their thoughts and create real objects. The power of their machine was not great enough for these objects to last though. And they wanted to create a Superman to solve all of the world's problems. So they needed funding. They went to Overcorp.

It's Mxyztplk! Is he in every world?

What they created was the ultimate product. The symbol ended up on everything. Everybody wanted to be associated with Superman. Everything became branded with its symbol. So Lois and Clark and Jimmy ran. They used their machine to jump from one reality to another. But the Superman of their Earth pursued them.

Is this why Tiny Titans was cancelled? This Superman destroyed their world?

Before Superman 23 destroys Superman Brand X, Superman 23 gets a call from his assistant about an intense situation in Libya. See, Superman 23 is also the president of the United States. But he can't deal with politics while he's saving the world! So he sends in his Brainiac double to keep peace on the world stage.

He doesn't actually look like that. Although there are probably people like David Icke of Earth 23 who catch glimpses of him like this and report it and they're called crazy and conspiracy theorists. But look! It's real! And only they know the truth!

Superman 23 and Superman Brand X blather and dance until Superman Brand X gets the upper hand and knocks Superman 23 across the room. That's when Luthor steps in with his "I told you so's".

In Swamp Thing #9, I posted a Young Ones pic. And now Lex Luthor uses the phrase, "Fascist Bully Boy," which I learned from The Young Ones.

With Luthor's help, Superman overpowers the Superman Brand. He traps it in-between wavelengths in Luthor's Transmatter Array (the thing it came out of in the first place). The fight is over. But since it's been trapped between wavelengths in some machine that allows people to go from one Earth to another, I imagine this Superman Brand X will wind up on Earth 1 sometime in the future. And Superman 1 won't have any idea what it is or how to defeat it. I imaging that's the main reason this story was told. It's the origin for a future Superman enemy.

The back-up story is a nice story about Superman 23 and his role as America's president. As Superman, he disables Qurac's Firestorm programs while discussing the situation with Qurac's president on his Bluetooth. After the mission is complete and the phone call is ended, Wonder Woman 23 has a few philosophical issues with Superman 23 being president.

For all you racists out there, you can still like Batman on Earth 23. He was white.

Action Comics #9 Rating: No change. I enjoyed both stories in this comic although I may have liked the backup story by Sholly Fisch a little bit more. Both stories dealt with the idea of a great power overstepping its bounds and going from a protector to a fascist. It's what Luthor has always seen in Superman and feared. And it's the question Wonder Woman is pondering at the end of the backup story. What is it about Superman that keeps him from crossing that line? And if he ever does cross it, will he know it? Will he make excuses for his abuse of power? Or will his Justice League friends keep him balanced?

Swamp Thing #9

The Queen of Rot reminds me of Beetlejuice.

This Beetlejuice!

The Queen of Rot does not feed. She keeps putting Swamp Thing right up next to her gigantic teeth but never takes a bite. Swamp Thing wants Abby to listen to him but she says no and all the misshapen beasts say no and Abby's little brother says no but the Queen of Rot still doesn't eat him. She crushes him a bit and smashes him into the ground and continues to beat on him but still she doesn't feed. Why won't she feed?! End it already! Bite off his head and stop listening to him! But she doesn't and finally, the tables are turned!

Take that!

Yes, Swamp Thing gets the upper hand with a second grade playground retort. Here's the Queen of Rot's reaction to being told to wake up:

The Swamp Thing has a powerful way with words! Just like the People's Poet!

"What do you think you're doing, PIG? Do you really give a fig, PIG? And what's your favorite sort of gig, PIG? Barry Manilow? Or the Black and White Minstrel Show?"

The Swamp Thing continues his verbal attack by reminding the Queen of Rot everything that makes Abigail Arcane special. Like canned peaches! But all of this is just showmanship. The Queen of Rot is actually freaking out because Alec put Orchid seeds in the peaches he fed her earlier. And now he's manipulating them through The Green to break down her transformation into the Queen of Rot. It works and the Queen of Rot transforms back into Abigail.

Sethe (remember him?!) decides that he's finally going to have to lift a finger to destroy the Swamp Thing. His minions couldn't get it done. William Arcane couldn't do it. The Queen of Rot couldn't do it. So he finally takes the job on himself like he should have done in the first place because he nearly defeats Alec Holland in just a couple of pages. But then Abby Abigail (now possibly The Black Orchid?!) stands up to defend Alec.

This doesn't remind me of anything. Sorry.

Abigail uses all of the power The Rot has given her over the years to simply take Sethe apart and break him down into dust. And they lived happily ever after.

Except you know they didn't really.

William Arcane is left to weep over the ashes of Sethe. But Sethe isn't completely gone. William can still, just barely, hear his voice. And Sethe gives William a heads up about next month's story.

"Anton Arcane!"

This is another comic book statement I can't abide: "It was all part of the plan!" No, it wasn't. I'm pretty sure the plan was super different and didn't involve Sethe being turned to dust and losing Abigail, the Queen of Rot, to the other side. Now, I'd believe that this was Plan D or Plan E, maybe. "Well, we've always got Anton Arcane if things really fucking go to hell." But I highly doubt the plan was to nearly die so that they'll feel safe and then spring Anton Arcane on them! Ha ha!

Seeing how Sethe nearly killed The Swamp Thing, it seems like a good plan would have been to just kill The Swamp Thing. Simple! Stupid evil is always so stupid.

Let's check the Who's Who to see what may be in store with the return of Anton Arcane.

Anton is the human in the first two panels and, I think, all three in the last panel.

Anton Arcane was a regular mortal who served in World War I. He became obsessed with becoming immortal when he encountered the Swamp Thing as the Swamp Thing was time traveling. The ridiculousness just gets better though! He served in the trenches of World War I with Hitler! But Hitler didn't like him because Anton was more ambitious than he was. So Anton eventually became immortal. But then he died because he wasn't invulnerable against falling out of windows. But then Hell couldn't hold him so he came back. But then he died again. But then he became a demon. But then he came back again. And then he died again. And now I think he's coming back again! Unless all of this shit is irrelevant because this is the New 52!

Swamp Thing #9 Rating: No change. I'm actually sort of relieved that this initial Rot storyline is over. The art and layout were not appealing and, at times, just plain confusing. And I don't really like the idea of The Rot being set up as the evil while The Red and The Green are somehow good. They're all just parts of the life cycle and work together. I guess the moral is that none of them should be any stronger than the other and they're constantly battling for balance. So when The Red becomes too powerful, you have large number of animals taking over a space. This will tend to drop the amount of plant life and then starvation and disease will set in (The Rot). With the dying off of creatures from The Red, The Green will become more powerful thanks to the nutrients provided by The Rot and balance will once again be restored! The constant struggle between them seems like a good story idea. I simply don't like the characterization of The Rot as evil. Plus, this story is probably a much better read in a collected format.