Tuesday, December 27, 2022

Justice League Europe #10 (1990)

Judging by Power Girl's nipple, she's got tiny areolas.

After noticing Power Girl's nipple, I then realized Bart Sears draws The Golden Girls version of Power Girl and now I can't stop thinking about Bea Arthur's tits. I often think about how much I hate my body because it's only there to provide a home for my consciousness but I know one day it will betray me and fail to provide adequate living conditions for the essential me. And then I realize, "Wait a second. What has my body ever done to me? It's my fucking brain that treats me like shit! I never asked to think about Bea Arthur's nipples!" In much the same way I eventually matured and realized that I shouldn't hold any grudges with my mother because the reason my mother and I had such a tempestuous relationship was that she actually stuck around to raise me, doing all of the hard work to keep me alive, and my father, whom I had a friendly relationship with, ditched me when I was two and should actually have all the fucking grudges, I think I've finally realized I should have loved my body way more than my brain all along! Fucking tratior. Piece of shit asshole. I'm no longer feeding you literature, you gray douche! I'm going to hang out with my dick all day from now on!

I just realized the cover says "Story by Giffen and DeMatteis" but really the story is by "Giffen and Loebs" and I wonder how angry Bill Loebs was when he saw the cover of this...oh, you know what? I bet he didn't give a fuck. Look at how shit this cover is? I'd want somebody else's name on it too. Did somebody pitch this as the cover or did Bart Sears have carte blanche to do what he wanted?

Rocket Red: "What is stuff falling from sky?"
Power Girl: "I don't know! What is this?!"
Captain Atom: "Look at my posture! How would I know?!"
Rocket Red: "Picture me looking at butterfly and saying, 'Is this money?' Because being from 80s Russia, I am broke."

I know the cover of this comic book says "Jan 90" but remember that the date on the cover of the comic was always a few months ahead of reality. So this comic book probably came out before the Berlin Wall fell! Oh, maybe that's why all that money is falling from the sky! Some kind of metaphor about capitalism raining down on the rest of the world! Also our puritanical Christian bullshit which is why the Comics Code Authority logo is also raining down from the sky.

Okay, Loeb, I get it! You'd rather be writing crime novels instead of comic books!

None of that opening narration makes any real sense. "A warm, moist Parisian evening" just makes me think I'm having sex with a prostitute three days past her last shower. And the scent of money like a thrilling drug? Have you ever smelled money? It's fucking disgusting! I once found a rolled up one dollar bill and sniffed it hoping there were some residual coke particles on it and all I did was inhale the smell of the paper and ink of it and had a fucking migraine for five hours after. Unless that was from the residual PCP on the bill. Or maybe the dollar had been rolled up to easily slide up somebody's asshole earlier that day? Anyway, that's all speculation! What is not speculation is that I smelled money and I fucking paid the price. Not thrilling. Besides, "the scent of money is like a thrilling drug" makes the least sense of anything I've read today and I've read at least three Elon Musk tweets from The Last of Dying Twitter's Twitter account. So you know this makes no sense at all! I suppose Loeb is trying to say the lure of the money, or the possibility of large sums of cash, is a thrilling prospect, so much so that it's like an addictive drug, pulling and luring you into what will definitely be future trouble.

This issue is called "After the Fox" so I guess we're finally going to get a sexy member for Justice League Europe! I know, I know: that's Animal Man erasure.

Bruce Wayne is in Paris to attend a World Food Organization event to raise money for, well, food, I guess. The host is a mysterious woman named Vivian D'Aramis whom we learn so much about in two pages that you'd have a railroad spike through your head not to realize she's Crimson Fox (or Red Fox or Le Renard Roux or whatever). I hope the ancestors of that guy who got the railroad spike through his head which completely changed his personality aren't reading this because I don't want to offend anybody! The whole point of using the railroad spike through the head metaphor was to avoid using the R-slur and offending everybody!

Maybe in much the way I use the phrase "barn owl" as a secret wink to readers in the know that I'm using an offensive term, I should use "railroad spike through the head" to replace that other word but in a way where I'm winking in a really fast and distracting way to indicate what I really mean but also so that anybody watching me would think, "What's wrong with that spaz?" But they'd probably have to replace "spaz" with something like "guy acting like he just took the six foot drop with a noose around his neck" so nobody online tsk-tsks them for offensive word choices.

A bomb goes off, knocking the gigantic globe filled with money off the stage and sending it careening into the crowd! People will be killed! This is a job for Batman! But Batman is all, "I don't know. I could save them but at the cost of my identity? I don't know. If they're crushed, it's not like me not saving them is equivalent to me killing them, no matter how many Parisian philosophers point out that, yes, actually, it is."

Just in case anybody reading this comic book didn't know Bruce Wayne was Batman, Bart Sears shits out this terrible panel. Thanks, Bart!

Bruce chickens out and decides not to blow his cover while wondering where that fucking barn owl Vivian ran off to. Obviously she's no coward and went to get into her sexy fox costume to save the day, even at the risk of her secret identity being blown. Because, Bruce, some things are more important than your little set of stupid hero rules. I wonder if her parents were killed in a dark alley so that trauma ruled her life until the day a red fox smashed through her sitting room window and she yelled, "Sacre bleu! I shall become a fox because criminals are a cowardly lot and foxes are scary to like 5% of the population!"

The enormous glass ball smashes its way out of the building without breaking because who wouldn't use a bullet proof globe if you were going to fill it with money? That's like "Big Dumb Displays of Wealthy Charity 101"! After the globe crashes onto a car in the street and comes to a stop, a helicopter swoops in and grabs it with a crane on the first try! I bet that pilot owns like five thousand cheaply made Bart Simpsons dolls. But not to worry! Crimson Fox is on the scene to re-save all the starving people of the world! You know, first by collecting all the donations as her secret identity and second by recovering all the donations as Crimson Fox! She's a true billionaire philanthropist with severe trauma expressing itself in an ostentatiously public death wish display. Not like that cowardly Bruce Wayne!

Maybe it's just me, being an American and needing everything to smash me over the head because I don't understand subtlety, but she doesn't remind me of a fox nor is she crimson.

The helicopter pilot's name is Gaston which is funny because Beauty and the Beast wasn't out yet! Obviously I don't know the definition of the word 'funny.'

Bruce Wayne, feeling more impotent than when The Joker smashed Jason Todd in the face with a crowbar, watches as Crimson Fox tries to save the day. He eventually resorts to alerting Justice League Europe about the theft which is pretty telling that that's basically his last option. I keep thinking that I've bottomed out on how much I can despise Bruce Wayne/Batman and yet almost every time I read or re-read something where the writers obviously believe they're nailing his personality and character, I hate him a little bit more. I love terrible characters too but at least the terrible characters I love know they're terrible! Like Lobo and The Demon! The Batman is a fucking self-righteous, judgmental piece of shit. The only way I can cope with Batman existing as he does in the DC Universe is to believe that Alfred Pennyworth sticks his junk in every meal he makes for Bruce.

Before Batman's signal can reach the Justice League, Loeb and Sears provide the reader with a few pages of Power Girl's tits and ass. I mean a few pages of Power Girl and Captain Atom sparring as Dmitri and Ralph monitor her power levels. It's basically a couple pages to let the reader know how Power Girl's powers have changed. And also how hot she is.

Cool, cool. Good to know. But her tits are just as big, right? Oh yeah! Thanks!

Batman alerting them doesn't even matter because as they're getting the details from Catherine, the Justice League hear an explosion overhead, go outside, and see money raining down from a helicopter with a woman dangling from it. Imagine if Batman knew he was in this comic book how annoyed he be at the uselessness of his appearance in it.

Crimson Fox breaches the cab of the helicopter, slashes the pilot in the face, and the heli crashes into the JLE embassy, specifically Captain Atom's room.

How toxic is Max Lord that Captain Atom thinks the blame for this accident will be placed squarely on him by that asshole?

I really feel bad for Captain Atom. This is the reaction of a victim of abuse! If I were Captain Atom, being that I'm also a toxic asshole, I would blame this on Power Girl's recent loss of her powers. "We didn't have time to think up new drills! This was supposed to be where Power Girl, who used to be able to fly, would catch it in midair, when she was strong enough to catch helicopters, and fly it into the air where it would explode, when she could withstand that kind of explosion!" Then Power Girl would glare at me and I'd be all, "Ha ha! You lost your vision powers so I didn't just now erupt into flames! You loser!"

The criminals are captured, Justice League Europe makes the acquaintance of Crimson Fox, and Bruce Wayne finally gets away from the bodyguards long enough to change after the whole ordeal has ended. Crimson Fox is offered a spot on the team but she refuses. But only at first because Captain Atom embarrassed her by not getting aroused while she basically sticks her tongue up his ass. Orally, of course! I mean, you know, through speech! But later she rescinds her refusal after she sends Captain Atom a new bed with a note basically saying she's going to fuck him in it. Poor Sue and Catherine! More competition!

Justice League Europe #10 Rating: A. This was a good issue! A crime happened! A crime was foiled! Nobody got hurt! And it all happened so organically! Geez, who knew I was into comic books that basically amount to vanilla sex! I'm so boring! In relation to comic books, I mean! Sexually, I can't cum unless I have something shoved into my butthole!

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