Looks more like Heroes Without a World, amirite?!
The Cover
Somehow Bart Sears pulled a cover out of his ass that I appreciate. Did Bart Sears begin doing Artist Steroids in the early '90s? I don't know what they are but the symptoms are drawing all of your characters like they just took steroids and got done lifting at the gym. Here, they're all just regularly muscled and Wonder Woman isn't scaring my penis away. I think that's just because I'm old though. In 1988, I'm sure my penis was cowering inside me at the thought of a strong, independent woman who knows what she wants and what she might want is for me to satisfy for her sexually. My penis, at 17, was definitely not up to that task and it knew it. I've heard from a comic book reading friend that Bart Sears got over his '90s fixation on drawing everybody like they were burly pieces of beef jerky but I'll have to take his word for it because I'm not in any hurry to hunt down any Bart Sears comic books. I'll never get the taste of early '90s Power Girl out of my mouth. Dammit. Now I'm horny.
The Story So Far
It doesn't matter! The first two Books told a complete and coherent story of the invasion of Earth by tall toothy bastards whose foreheads looked like they never missed a Wesley Willis concert! I once had the opportunity to headbutt Wesley Willis at his merch table when I went to see him decades ago in Portland but I was too nervous. How do you prepare yourself for meeting a man who beat Batman's ass? It's impossible.
I suppose the story so far is that the nerdiest Dominator of all time has developed a bomb that will disable the Meta-Gene in Earthlings. He's so hyped to stop getting Dominator Swirlies and Dominator Wedgies that he's going to break the terms of the Dominator's Unconditional Surrender to Earth and restore the Dominators to glory! In his mind, at least. Obviously he's going to wash out and wind up stuffed back in his Dominator locker.
The Story
Before I get to my little comic book, I want to post a quote from the book I'm currently reading, John Barth's The Sot-Weed Factor (1960). I've owned this book for about 27 years and am finally getting around to reading it which is fitting if you know anything about the main character in the book. Anyway, here's the quote:
Somehow Bart Sears pulled a cover out of his ass that I appreciate. Did Bart Sears begin doing Artist Steroids in the early '90s? I don't know what they are but the symptoms are drawing all of your characters like they just took steroids and got done lifting at the gym. Here, they're all just regularly muscled and Wonder Woman isn't scaring my penis away. I think that's just because I'm old though. In 1988, I'm sure my penis was cowering inside me at the thought of a strong, independent woman who knows what she wants and what she might want is for me to satisfy for her sexually. My penis, at 17, was definitely not up to that task and it knew it. I've heard from a comic book reading friend that Bart Sears got over his '90s fixation on drawing everybody like they were burly pieces of beef jerky but I'll have to take his word for it because I'm not in any hurry to hunt down any Bart Sears comic books. I'll never get the taste of early '90s Power Girl out of my mouth. Dammit. Now I'm horny.
The Story So Far
It doesn't matter! The first two Books told a complete and coherent story of the invasion of Earth by tall toothy bastards whose foreheads looked like they never missed a Wesley Willis concert! I once had the opportunity to headbutt Wesley Willis at his merch table when I went to see him decades ago in Portland but I was too nervous. How do you prepare yourself for meeting a man who beat Batman's ass? It's impossible.
I suppose the story so far is that the nerdiest Dominator of all time has developed a bomb that will disable the Meta-Gene in Earthlings. He's so hyped to stop getting Dominator Swirlies and Dominator Wedgies that he's going to break the terms of the Dominator's Unconditional Surrender to Earth and restore the Dominators to glory! In his mind, at least. Obviously he's going to wash out and wind up stuffed back in his Dominator locker.
The Story
Before I get to my little comic book, I want to post a quote from the book I'm currently reading, John Barth's The Sot-Weed Factor (1960). I've owned this book for about 27 years and am finally getting around to reading it which is fitting if you know anything about the main character in the book. Anyway, here's the quote:
"I fear me what Father would say, did he hear of't."Sure, this is sort of a standard profound thought, a bit of the old seize the day mundanity. Barth was 30 when he wrote this and there's a weird twilight zone in a young person's life where the realization that you only have the one life hits you pretty hard and you wonder what the fuck you're doing with it. But I just love the way this is expressed. The concept of how fast everything goes remains the theme throughout, that and nobody else caring what you do with your life, even the worms who will eventually eat you. It's not just about life going by fast; it's about not living for other people as well. I don't mean in an isolated, uncaring and selfish way! I mean in a don't let the authoritarian control freaks make you think twice about doing something you long to do. Look, maybe it's simpler if I just let somebody who expresses things better than me say it. Somebody like Chris Onstad:
"My dear fellow," Burlingame said, "we sit here on a blind rock careening through space; we are all rushing headlong to the grave. Think you the worms will care, when anon they make a meal of you, whether you spent your moment sighing wigless in your chamber, or sacked the golden towns of Montezuma? Lookee, the day's nigh spent; 'tis gone careering into time forever. Not a tale's length past we lined our bowels with dinner, and already they growl for more. We are dying men, Ebeneezer: i'faith, there's time for naught but bold resolves!"
It's fake ideas all the way down, man!
Not only is the rock careening through space: the space is careening through space! Everything is careening, faster and faster. If the planet is revolving around the sun at X speed and the sun is moving through space at Y speed and the galaxy is moving through space at Z speed and, and, and, well, it's all additive, you know? That's reality! Making sure you're home at 10 PM because your parents proclaimed that was your curfew? How the fuck does that stand up to what's really happening out past the roof, the atmosphere, the edge of the solar system?! Just fucking go for it, man!
At the moment, I may be a little drunk on misfiring brain chemicals due to reading and possibly genetics and I did drink a Monster energy drink because I hate my kidneys. Let me calm down a bit and we could get back to reading about that Nerd Dominator. I also need to process the loss of Todd McFarlane on this series. Gone too soon, especially when replaced by Bart Sears.
At the moment, I may be a little drunk on misfiring brain chemicals due to reading and possibly genetics and I did drink a Monster energy drink because I hate my kidneys. Let me calm down a bit and we could get back to reading about that Nerd Dominator. I also need to process the loss of Todd McFarlane on this series. Gone too soon, especially when replaced by Bart Sears.
This is fucking page one. I guess we're just getting right into it, eh?
Okay, great, Gene Bomb deployed. What exactly does that mean? Earth will still be protected by Superman, Green Lantern, Batman, Green Arrow, Aquaman, Wonder Woman, Martian Manhunter, Starfire, Nightwing, Blue Devil, The Spectre, Jason Blood & Etrigan, Doctor Fate, Hawkman, Hawkwoman, Blue Beetle, Booster Gold, Guy Gardner, and so, so many others. The meta-gene explains maybe — and this is being generous — fifty percent of Earth's heroes? Of course I'm only on page one and I'm bringing logic to an irrational gun fight. I bet Aquaman loses his powers because the entire race of Atlanteans are based on a meta-gene. And the Amazons too. And maybe Martian's have a meta-gene being that they're part of the Sol system so J'onn will just turn into a big green powerless gumby dude. And maybe Batman's meta-gene runs his memory so he'll forget his PIN and not be able to access his money so he'll lose all of his wonderful toys?
It turns out the Gene-Bomb doesn't immediately shut down the powers of every superhero. First, it makes their powers spike so they go out of control. In Moscow, Firestorm begins transmuting everything into everything else. In Manhattan, Captain Atom almost causes a nuclear incident. At JLI Headquarters, Fire begins barfing up green flame everywhere.
It turns out the Gene-Bomb doesn't immediately shut down the powers of every superhero. First, it makes their powers spike so they go out of control. In Moscow, Firestorm begins transmuting everything into everything else. In Manhattan, Captain Atom almost causes a nuclear incident. At JLI Headquarters, Fire begins barfing up green flame everywhere.
In the Dibny home, Sue considers divorce on the grounds of "My husband is gross."
Most of the heroes I named earlier aren't affected and they're called in to help stop the out of control heroes. The one exception in my list is Doctor Fate. Why is he out of control? He's not even really human when he's got the helmet on, right? Is this evidence that the Lords of Order are humans super evolved from the Meta-Gene?! I suppose Kent Nelson could have a Meta-Gene that allowed him to use the helmet effectively. I guess. I might as well let comic book logic lead my thinking or else how am I going to understand any of this shit?
By the end of Chapter One, the crisis is over. The non-affected heroes didn't defeat the out-of-control super-powered heroes. The out-of-control super-powered heroes just wore themselves out and collapsed. Having them collapse immediately after their meta-genes were turned off by the Gene Bomb would have resulted in a comic book with far less than 80 pages. And probably a really boring comic book. Also, without the sudden burst of power, how could Terra have come back to life?
By the end of Chapter One, the crisis is over. The non-affected heroes didn't defeat the out-of-control super-powered heroes. The out-of-control super-powered heroes just wore themselves out and collapsed. Having them collapse immediately after their meta-genes were turned off by the Gene Bomb would have resulted in a comic book with far less than 80 pages. And probably a really boring comic book. Also, without the sudden burst of power, how could Terra have come back to life?
Far, far away, Deathstork feels a mysterious movement in his pants.
All of the downed heroes are gathered in a large Lex-Corp medical facility where they're strapped to beds, hooked up to monitors, and supplied super bedpans. But the one thing the doctors don't do is remove any of their masks. Because even if they're dying, they wouldn't want their identities exposed! Also I don't know what kind of pillow they gave Firestorm since his head is still on fire. Were we still consciously using asbestos in 1992?
That bit about asbestos reminds me: I grew up in the '70s! That's my excuse for being as stupid as I am. I was huffing lead gasoline exhaust! I should get a medal for never becoming a violent criminal with all the lead, asbestos, and nuclear fallout from weapons testing I sucked down during my youth! Fuck, why didn't my Meta-Gene ever kick in?!
Since the medical community has failed at finding a way to reverse the meta-gene meltdown taking place (even the greatest scientists in the DCU like Doc Magnus, The Chief, Lex Luthor, and Dr. Megala), Hal, Guy, J'onn, Starman, Robotman, and fucking Dmitri the Rocket Red travel across the universe to have a word with the Dominators. They're obviously the cause even though there's no evidence as to the cause. Batman probably figured it out.
That bit about asbestos reminds me: I grew up in the '70s! That's my excuse for being as stupid as I am. I was huffing lead gasoline exhaust! I should get a medal for never becoming a violent criminal with all the lead, asbestos, and nuclear fallout from weapons testing I sucked down during my youth! Fuck, why didn't my Meta-Gene ever kick in?!
Since the medical community has failed at finding a way to reverse the meta-gene meltdown taking place (even the greatest scientists in the DCU like Doc Magnus, The Chief, Lex Luthor, and Dr. Megala), Hal, Guy, J'onn, Starman, Robotman, and fucking Dmitri the Rocket Red travel across the universe to have a word with the Dominators. They're obviously the cause even though there's no evidence as to the cause. Batman probably figured it out.
Guy stole my favorite line when I'm visiting the bath houses down on Castro in San Francisco.
The group run into Superman in orbit around Earth who claims he won't set foot back on Earth for some reason. He'll think twice when he's about to run out of oxygen. Why he needs oxygen when the yellow sun basically gives him everything he needs, I can't say. Maybe he just needs to keep some kind of gas in his lungs so they don't collapse in the vacuum of space? No wait. That's like backwards! Oh, never mind! I keep forgetting I'm reading a comic book and not a scientific journal!
While trying to find out while Superman won't go back to Earth, the Omega Men arrive in a star ship. They were headed to Earth to join the battle but it's over. So they agree to transport everybody to the Dominator's homeworld using their ship's hyperdrive.
While trying to find out while Superman won't go back to Earth, the Omega Men arrive in a star ship. They were headed to Earth to join the battle but it's over. So they agree to transport everybody to the Dominator's homeworld using their ship's hyperdrive.
Tigorr's an intelligent man. Err, cat. Um, man-cat?
Back on Earth, the heroes begin dying.
"Who's that?" you're probably thinking. That's Scott Fisher. "Who's that?" you're probably thinking.
It feels wrong that I used the whole "Who the fuck is that hero?" joke for two members of the Doom Patrol. But let's face it: it wasn't exactly the greatest run for those guys. And they needed to really start building up some solid wreckage so that Grant Morrison could crawl them out of it.
Apparently the person coming back to life in Markovia was Metamorpho and not Terra. That's too bad. Not that I'm not happy for Metamorpho. I just wanted more Terra. I guess I have to wait for fake Terra from the future (unless she wasn't fake?) in Team Titans! No wait. I already re-read Team Titans. I guess I'll never again have any Terra in my life!
The mission to the Dominator's home planet takes two seconds. Snapper Carr (who now has a super power because his Meta-Gene was activated by the Dominators in Book One and who is now a member of a superhero team named The Blasters) has the power of teleportation. He teleports J'onn to the surface of the planet where J'onn disguises himself as a Dominator (luckily one with a huge red spot). J'onn then infiltrates the locker where the Nerd Dominator has been stuffed, reads his mind, learns the antidote, and he leaves. That's it! They've got the cure! Story over!
Apparently the person coming back to life in Markovia was Metamorpho and not Terra. That's too bad. Not that I'm not happy for Metamorpho. I just wanted more Terra. I guess I have to wait for fake Terra from the future (unless she wasn't fake?) in Team Titans! No wait. I already re-read Team Titans. I guess I'll never again have any Terra in my life!
The mission to the Dominator's home planet takes two seconds. Snapper Carr (who now has a super power because his Meta-Gene was activated by the Dominators in Book One and who is now a member of a superhero team named The Blasters) has the power of teleportation. He teleports J'onn to the surface of the planet where J'onn disguises himself as a Dominator (luckily one with a huge red spot). J'onn then infiltrates the locker where the Nerd Dominator has been stuffed, reads his mind, learns the antidote, and he leaves. That's it! They've got the cure! Story over!
Oh, right. They needed to fill 80 pages.
So all that's left is a bit of a space battle so that Superman and the Green Lanterns can have an excuse for being here (although Robotman, Starman, and Rocket Red really weren't needed in this entire plan). And we meet Frag who, I'm assuming, is one of Carr's Blaster buddies? But that's pretty much it. J'onn makes the cure, the team hyperspace back to Earth, Superman acts weird, and they explode the antidote in the atmosphere, curing everybody immediately!
Okay. Not everybody.
The Ranking!
If you don't take into account that Book Three was used as a launchpad for the whole "super powers are caused by a meta-gene" shit that DC will use to empty my pocketbooks with Bloodline a few years later, this really should have just been a two 80-page book series. This was an unnecessary third chapter! Maybe editorial also felt they needed to highlight the Earthlings that would become The Blasters since The Blasters was an new series about to hit the shelves that I'm positive absolutely nobody was interested in. Finally, the back cover proclaims, "We have no idea what we're doing! Did we need this third Book? Do we need a fourth?! Who wants more Meta-Gene stuff! DC! We're Putting the Meta-Gene Back Into Comics!"
If you don't take into account that Book Three was used as a launchpad for the whole "super powers are caused by a meta-gene" shit that DC will use to empty my pocketbooks with Bloodline a few years later, this really should have just been a two 80-page book series. This was an unnecessary third chapter! Maybe editorial also felt they needed to highlight the Earthlings that would become The Blasters since The Blasters was an new series about to hit the shelves that I'm positive absolutely nobody was interested in. Finally, the back cover proclaims, "We have no idea what we're doing! Did we need this third Book? Do we need a fourth?! Who wants more Meta-Gene stuff! DC! We're Putting the Meta-Gene Back Into Comics!"
Um. Yes?
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