Saturday, August 24, 2019

Metamorpho #2

Rex remembering the day he decided to fuck that meteorite.

The issue begins with Metamorpho remembering how he turned into Metamorpho. I'm sure most people reading the first issue kept thinking to themselves, "How did this freak turn into such a freak?" And then they were disappointed to never find the answer. Although by the end of last issue if they weren't asking, "How did this freak put his elemental boner into such a hot piece of ass?", it probably meant they weren't sexist jerks. I certainly wasn't thinking that at all! But I was thinking, "Java must have a thick dick." No, I'm kidding! And stop looking at that paper I hid behind my back for a reason! You did not see Java's name at the top of the list next to the crossed out Erin Esurance!

Remember the good old days when you could shoot babies with toy guns on an airplane and not worry about forcing an emergency landing from your behavior? The fucking terrorists took that away from us!

Imagine how much easier stories were to right before cell phones and Homeland Security! Characters couldn't be in constant contact so you could create drama! And you could send a bunch of freaks on an international trip via a commercial flight and not have readers question how the fuck they were allowed on board the plane! Writers had it so easy last century!

While explaining his son's powers to Jillian, Metamorpho teaches me something about his own powers: he can only change into elements or compounds found in the human body! Being that I know next to nothing about the human body because learning about the human body is fucking disgusting and depressing, it doesn't help me to figure out what Metamorpho can and can't become. Maybe I should have paid more attention to the teacher in college biology and not the way Julie's overalls hung on her body so as to allow a glimpse into the darkness that may or may not have hid sexy underwear. Was that too specific? I meant for it to be a general story that everybody could relate to! We've all failed courses because we were distracted by Julie's tits! Metaphorically, of course! Some of you were distracted by Julie's penis! Again, metaphorically!

Back at Stagg's mansion where nobody read any of the embarrassing things I wrote, Simon Stagg shoots Java in the face for practically no reason. Mostly it was because Java was showing free will and disobeying a direct order from Stagg. But I think there were some other reasons too like how Stagg just wanted to shoot a human and how Stagg is an asshole.

Oh, and because he wants to fuck his daughter.

This was probably pretty shocking in 1993 but since Trump has normalized fathers wanting to fuck their daughters, I barely gasped at all while reading it.

Metamorpho, Jillian, and Joey wind up in Ireland in pursuit of the Orb of Ra. He follows his lead to a bar where a bunch of ex-IRA hang out, one of which apparently stole the Orb. When they realize Rex Mason is looking for them, they attack him, inside the bar, with flamethrowers. I wanted to explain how stupid and reckless that is but when did the IRA ever give a fuck about not destroying property and lives? That isn't a rhetorical question! I'm really asking! I'm as bad at history as I am biology and I don't even have Julie's tits to blame this time!

In the commentary on the first issue, I asked how the fuck Metamorpho changes into different elements. In this issue, we get a teeny tiny little bit of an answer that is supposed to make the reader nod and say, "Yep. Totally what I thought. Absolutely reasonable."

That's it! Just think about the element you want to be and poof! You're Julie's underpants! I mean carbon dioxide!

Rex beats up all of the bad guys except the main bad guy. During the brawl, the main bad guy (whose name I don't feel like flipping a few pages back to remember. It was probably Seamus) grabbed little Joe to use as a hostage. I don't know why little Joe came along. I guess because if he were left in the hotel, he would turn all the candy in the mini-fridge into lead.

The gun to the head of little Joe is the big cliffhanger! I was scared and in suspense for about two seconds before I remembered little Joe's super power. That Seamus guy is fucked next issue!

Metamorpho #2 Rating: B. The first issue spent a lot of time working on motivations and relationships between the characters. This issue spent a lot of time on a bar room brawl. Waid also felt he needed to burn four or five pages retelling Metamorpho's origin because every comic is somebody's first! That's what people like to say and I'm just repeating it because people like to say it but I prefer to shit in the mouth of people who say it because what the fuck do I care about those people?! You're wasting my time and money! The best part of this issue was when Simon Stagg admitted he wanted to fuck Sapphire. I know incest is culturally wrong and somebody might convince me that it's morally wrong if they can come up with a great philosophical argument that really wows me (or if they just say, "Would you fuck your mother?" Ugh. Yes, yes. Morally wrong. Absolutely!) and it's almost certainly physically wrong (and not because it would make you throw up but because of the way genetics work) but I can't blame Simon for wanting to fuck his daughter. Did you happen to see the way she was drawn?!

Ha ha! It's funny the way I exaggerate for effect, isn't it?! I have to go do some Google research on Rule 34 now. So long!

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