Deadman: Dark Mansion of Forbidden Love: Book Three

Finally! The Forbidden Love shall be unforbidden! And hopefully graphic!

Last issue ended with the shocking twist revelation that Adelia was the bad ghost. But she's only the bad ghost when Nathan exits his writing room and enters the part of the house she can haunt. Then she loses her fucking shit because he's just another man ruining a lesbian's life by loving her and trying to marry her. Berenice, the lesbian fiance, wants to marry him for some reason. I suppose she could be bisexual but the story isn't playing out that way. If it were, Berenice would be happy to marry Nathan and fuck Sam on the side. I don't know how happy that would make Sam or Nathan though. But who cares?! This isn't their story!

But this is also Adelia's story. Adelia the ghost was murdered by her husband, probably because of the same reasons she's freaking out over Nathan. Her husband didn't want her fucking the female neighbor.

I suppose this is Deadman's story too although he just seems to be a witness to the events and the connection to DC continuity. He's also the man whose eyes emasculated comic book reading males can peer through so they don't feel like they were tricked into reading a story about women and how women like to fuck other women and don't need men at all. That's really kind of a clever ploy by Sarah Vaughn! Use the hero "Deadman" to show that men are dead and unnecessary!

Adelia has just attacked Nathan but Deadman drove her back into purgatory where she can face the revelation that she's the bad ghost. Meanwhile, Nathan, Berenice, and Sam discuss what happened.

Berenice: "It was a ghost!"
Nathan: "You must be having female problems!"
Sam: "I believe you!"
Berenice: "That's all I've ever wanted to hear! Let's fuck!"

Geez, Sam. Put your vagina back in your pants. You had her at "I believe you."

Nathan passes out because he's not really needed for this story. Unless at some point he's going to threaten to kill Berenice as he relives the past history of the house and then Deadman will have to possess him (against his will! Shocking!) to save the day. But until then, it's just Boston, Sam, Berenice, and Adelia left to solve the mystery. And the only place they have yet to search for clues is in Nathan's writing study! I hope it's filled with corpses and used Kleenex.

The study isn't filled with crumpled up balls of papers that compromise the first, second, third, fourth, and fifth drafts of Nathan's crappy novel. Instead, they discover spell books full of the dark arts. It appears Nathan is really a lich! He has somehow extended his life through the murdering of his wives on their wedding night. Probably. This revelation leads to Nathan trying to murder Sam and Berenice so that his secret remains safe: as long as the house stands, he lives. I guess murdering his wife didn't have anything to do with magic. He probably just didn't like that she was fucking all the women in town.

Oh Deadman. Rape is never okay.

Once Deadman enters Nathan, he's flooded with the memories of Nathan's long life across a couple of centuries. It's convenient because he finally gets the whole story. There's not as much forbidden love as I was hoping.

While the ghosts fight among themselves, Berenice and Sam burn the house to the ground. And then fuck, I hope? I'm starting to get annoyed with this comic book. How dare DC Comics subtitle a book "Dark Mansion of Forbidden Love" and then forget to include the forbidden graphic love.

Berenice and Sam never kiss let alone finger-bang. I think finger-banging was the Forbidden Love. I wonder how much finger-banging is happening all around us in public at any time? I bet at least a couple cases in every movie theater I've ever been in!

The Ranking!
No change. This was the least sexy book about forbidden love I've ever read. I suppose that shouldn't be shocking considering this book was also about multiple corpses.

Deadman: Dark Mansion of Forbidden Love: Book Two

At first I thought the forbidden love would be buttsex but it turns out it's lesbianism. I'm not disappointed.

• The back cover has a picture of Deadman looking perplexed with a quote underneath reading, "I don't know what comes after death." Answer: Death's wife!

• The story so far: a man in the olden times had a wife who wanted to fuck another woman but he was all, "No way! Forbidden love!" And she was all, "Oh yeah! Forbidden love!" And he was all, "You will haunt this house forever with your sexy woman on woman hauntings because I feel emasculated by this and also I have this gun!" And she was all, "Good! I'd rather be dead than to lie with you!" And he was all, "Oh my god! I didn't think I could be emasculated more while threatening a woman's life with my surrogate phallus! I should have all the power!" And she was all, "You have no power here!"

• Later, a woman named Berenice who is going through the same issues as the dead lesbian in the white dress moves into the mansion with her husband. But Berenice is all, "My husband is a bore and I want to fuck Sam the genderqueer lesbian neighbor! And also I hoped I used the terms 'genderqueer,' 'lesbian,' and 'neighbor' correctly!" Deadman arrived because nobody would buy this comic book from DC if it didn't have some kind of link to DC Continuity! Also I think the writer wanted to discuss the inappropriateness of his entering people without their consent. Why not ruin that fun little comic book detail with modern thoughts and awarenesses?! Now every time I see Deadman possess somebody, I'm going to think he's raping them.

• This issue begins with Deadman in some purgatorial space with the ghost in the white dress, Adelia. Deadman merges with Adelia but not in the boinking kind of way I was hoping for. Instead he smashes his face into hers and learns some of her memories. Wait a second. Is smashing your face into somebody else's face boinking? I don't think it is because I didn't feel anything stir in my pants.

• Deadman and Adelia learn that she was stabbed to death. That's different than how I said earlier because I wanted the murder to include the phallic imagery of a gun. I suppose I could do the same with a knife since it's built to penetrate and is often used to do so violently. That's practically a penis.

• After discussing what it's like to be dead and filling Deadman with doubts as to his superhero status (he realizes he's probably just another ghost angry at having been murdered and refusing to move on as opposed to a tool of Rama), Adelia and Boston return to the physical realm to see if Berenice has realized that this story is about lesbians.

• Berenice has been going through Adelia's stuff for days while Deadman was off in purgatory. She's discovered some clues to the Case of the Forbidden Love but she doesn't get a chance to mention them because her husband walks in. Coincidentally (or not so coincidentally, hmm?!), the evil ghost appears at the same time and drives Deadman away and Adelia into a dead faint. I didn't want to use "dead faint" there but it couldn't be helped because I wanted to be as accurate as possible in my describing what happened. I wish what I could have said was "Adelia removes all of her clothes and shows Berenice where to put her tongue."

• Nathan, Berenice's husband (or fiance. Whatever. It doesn't really matter), just stopped by to say how he knows it's been a long time since they fucked but he's really into his writing right now. And Berenice is all, "That's okay! I'm really into Sam!" Then the evil ghost probably snickers in the shadow and rubs his hands maniacally because he gets to see the forbidden love story repeat itself.

• Berenice leaves the house to go find more clues about the Case of the Forbidden Love. Before she leaves, she and the ghost, Adelia, almost fuck. I mean, they looked at each other a certain way and their lips were really close together and that means they want each other, right? That's how it always begins in movies. Oh, and, um, in my life when I had sexual relations with all of those women at camp.

• That was the end of Chapter Three from Deadman's perspective. Chapter Four follows Berenice as she goes into town to look for clues and hopefully have sex with Sam.

• Berenice walks into town thinking about how people make poor choices which begin a process of ruining the rest of their lives as they chew on that regret. That's the kind of thing a lesbian who married a man might be thinking, especially now that she's fallen in love with her genderqueer neighbor and begun investigating the Case of the Forbidden Love. When I'm walking alone at night, I often think, "Sex will be so cool when I finally get to do it! I mean, if any psychics are listening, the main character in the story I'm writing gets to do it! He can't wait to do it! To do it really good! Probably!"

• Berenice doesn't find the conclusive proof that Adelia's husband killed her because she was into Forbidden Love. While she's in town, she decides to stop by Sam's Antique Shop because she hasn't flirted with Sam since Deadman appeared.

• Sam says she's non-binary. I'm sure there's some difference between that and genderqueer so I'll just go with Sam's phrasing. Also I forgot to call Sam "they" or "them" instead of her or him. So now I'm the grossest person in the world.

• Sam and Berenice almost boink but it's still too early for that. If they boinked now, outside of the Dark Mansion of Forbidden Love, how would Nathan walk in on them and become possessed by the evil monster who is against lesbianism? Or whatever you call it when a non-binary person does it with a woman.

• Sam and Berenice head back to the Dark Mansion where Nathan is waiting with some news and a boner. He's finished his book! I bet it's about how nasty lesbians are and goes into intricate detail about their sex lives. Also, he decides to ask Berenice to marry him. I guess that answers the question as to whether they're married or not.

• After Nathan proposes, Adelia flips the fuck out and turns into an evil demon. That's why Nathan was always getting headaches when he was around Berenice. Because Adelia realized that Berenice will be throwing away her happiness if she marries this man, just like she did when she married her husband a century ago. Adelia is the shadow and the Forbidden Love is heterosexuality! Shocking twist!

The Ranking!
No change! I wish I could scan more of the art in this book but I just don't want to ruin the spine by shoving the comic into my scanner. Sorry!

Deadman: Dark Mansion of Forbidden Love: Book One

Yes! A lusty Gothic romance!

The Commentary!
• I only purchased this comic book because it looks like it contains scenes of boinking.

• I was wondering if the kids still use the cool slang like "boinking" so I checked with Urban Dictionary. The main definition says it's a word your parents use. I'm assuming a young person wrote that entry since it's Urban Dictionary and since my parents, who are in their sixties, used the word "fucking." But then they were teenagers in the sixties and grew up in the seventies. Shit was raw back then! "To Boink" sounds like an 80s television reference to fucking since Alex P. Keaton needed a word to describe what he didn't want his sister doing! Alex's parents were hippies so they probably fucked all over the house. And since today's young people's parents grew up in the 80s, they probably did boink! Could it be Urban Dictionary has a crack staff of researchers and copy editors making sure all of their definitions make sense?!

• Although why couldn't television characters in the 80s say fucking? Mike Seaver's friend on Growing Pains was named Boner! Which is why I couldn't watch that show. I mean, come on! "Growing Pains." "Boner." I was hoping to come up with more evidence but that's all I have!

• While looking up how to spell the Seaver family name online, I found an online New York Post article about the death of the actor who played Boner. This was the headline: "'Boner' Found Dead in Canada". Seriously, guys? I mean...seriously? They even caption one of the photos as "Gorwing Pains". Although thanks to the article, I just discovered Boner was Star Trek's Chekov's son. It's possible I knew that at an earlier point in my life. That's the kind of information my brain, thankfully, knows it doesn't need to retain.

• Hopefully that won't be the last time I discuss a boner in this commentary! I mean, this comic book is called "Dark Mansion of Forbidden Love"! That at least hints at some serious sodomy!

• I wonder how quickly I'll regret my excitement over sexy time forbidden love when it turns out the story is about incest and sexual assault! I'll especially regret my excitement if the sex scenes aren't explicit!

• I probably won't be scanning any of the art because this is one of those prestige format books and I'll have to break the spine to get a good scan. Although if the sex scenes are any good, I'm willing to destroy my copy of this comic book for digital scans to add to my research library.

• A woman named Berenice has moved into a haunted house with her manpumpkin, Nathan. Was that Halloweeny enough? I figure I should make my commentaries extra spooky this month! Anyway, Berenice is psychic so she notices Deadman hanging about her house trying to solve the mystery of the Forbidden Love.

• Nathan is a writer trying to finish a book who has suddenly found himself in a large, empty, haunted hotel. I mean manskeleton. I mean mansion! But that was scary, right? You didn't expect the skeleton! Boo!

• Nathan keeps getting possessed by the bad ghost that lives in the house. Deadman is trying to help the good ghost who lives in the house. And Berenice is desperately pretending that she isn't falling out of love with Nathan and totally wants to bone Sam, the neighbor, while the ghosts watch.

• I haven't mentioned Sam because I wanted the reveal of the antagonist to be a surprise! You see, Sam couldn't be possessed by Deadman. That means Sam is either the bad guy or the ghost of the secret forbidden lover. He's probably a ghost! I mean she's a ghost! Maybe that's the forbidden love! Sam, who was probably born Samantha, was in love with the woman in the white dress whose portrait is over the fireplace! But the Woman in the White Dress's husband was all, "No no no! Nope! Unh-uh! No way! Not on my watch! Unless...I mean...can I watch?" Then he killed Sam and the Woman in the White Dress.

• It's also possible that Sam is real and that thing about boning the neighbor is where this story is going. You see, the ghostly activity only just began, even though Berenice and Nathan have been in the house for a few months. That's probably because Berenice has just realized she wants Sam's thighs wrapped around her face while Nathan just fucks off with his stupid book that probably isn't even scary or sexy anyway. So the ghost that died of a broken heart is all, "No way! No true love is going to happen in my house! Especially between two women! Unless, you know, I can watch?"

• While Sam and Berenice are talking about paintings (which I wish was a euphemism for doing it), Deadman enters the room and gets into a fist fight with the real ghost. It's at that point when the story enters Chapter Two! What's so special about Chapter Two? The narrator changes from Berenice to Deadman! Wow. A writer who actually knows how to tell a story!

• Deadman possesses Berenice again so that he can use her to open a door he's having trouble phasing through. While he's inside of her, he gets to experience one of her memories (this happened earlier as well but I didn't comment on it. What am I supposed to do? Just retell the entire story but worse and without pictures?!).

*GASP!* Forbidden love!

• Sam begins to worry about Berenice acting strangely because LOOK OUT! WITCHES! Deadman is making her run all over the house looking for the other ghost. When Sam grabs Berenice's hand, it forces Deadman out of her body. And then they almost kiss! Forbidden Love!

• It's probably too early to call myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader but I'm definitely preparing for the moment.

• Berenice asks Sam to leave before they wind up Forbidden Loving all over the house. Afterward, she decides to yell at Deadman for making things weird. What if Sam never wants to talk to her again because she was acting like a nutcase? Oh wait. Nutcase is probably offensive. Um, how about, "Because she was acting like a spaz"? Much better!

• Berenice is also upset that Boston keeps entering her without her consent. He goes all bro-douche on her and is all, "But what if I can't give consent and I totally need to enter somebody?! How fair is that to me?!" And she's all, "Ick! Gross!" So Boston gives up on possessing people for this adventure since he doesn't want to seem like a jerk. Besides, he can talk to Berenice and get her to do all the things he'd do on his own if he were inside of her.

• Berenice and Boston discover a ring owned by the Woman in the White Dress. They also discover her name is Adelia Ruskin. After calling for her a bit, she appears. To explain about Forbidden Love, I hope?! I bet she's all, "I loved Forbidden Love but my stupid patriarchal husband was all, 'You can't do that! You have to do me!' And then he probably killed me or something." How should I know what she says?! Oh! I know how! I should keep reading!

• Darn it! Keeping reading wasn't any help! She didn't say anything except that she doesn't remember! And then Adelia and Boston disappear in a flash of ectoplasm! At least, I hope that's ectoplasm!

The Ranking!
BOO! Scared you, didn't I?!