Planetary Loves JLA: Terra Occulta #1 (November 2002)

Why didn't Planetary make the cover of their own comic book?

Planetary/JLA: Terra Occulta (November 2002)
By Warren Ellis, Jerry Ordway, David Baron, and Michael Heisler
Cover by Jerry Ordway
Edited by Kristy Quinn and Scott Dunbier

Is this going to be an addendum to Planetary #10, "Magic and Loss"? Or is this just an "Elseworlds" story that might have happened if Baby Superman wasn't murdered by William Leather and Alternate Dimension Nazi Sue Storm didn't obliterate Alternate Dimension Wonder Woman as soon as she stepped off Paradise Island? Nobody really cares about Green Lantern which is why now Batman's making an appearance. Or, more probably, Batman didn't exist in the regular Planetary series which is how Superman and Wonder Woman and Green Lantern all died. If Bruce Wayne had been around, he would have made sure those things didn't happen. Yes, even Baby Superman being killed. I'm sure Baby Bruce Wayne was already more than capable of saving Baby Superman's whiny ass.

Should I be wondering how William Leather killed Baby Superman when Baby Superman was baby invulnerable? Or is the answer simply, "Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four are basically gods so shut up you virgin douche"? Jesus. Sorry for being curious, whoever gave me that answer!

This issue begins with Wonder Woman writing a letter home to mother while sitting on a park bench and every creep in Gotham stares at her as they go past. I don't know if that was a creepy note in Ellis's script or the creepy way that Jerry Ordway views the world. Or was I supposed to think, "Wonder Woman is so beautiful that men can't resist trying to look up her skirt," and not, "Those men are disgusting perverts. Mostly because they're old men in business suits so you know they're gross and not because they're looking up Wonder Woman's skirt which is a perfectly natural thing to want to do."

Fucking old men. So disgusting!¹

The way you can tell this is an Elseworlds story is that the cars are all air foil hovercrafts like in Richard Bachman's The Running Man. Oh, and also how Wonder Woman is alive enough to write a letter to her mother instead of too dead to write a letter to her mother.

The park bench Wonder Woman's practically flashing her netherparts on isn't actually in Gotham. She's heads to Gotham later through a "Planetary Portal" instead of by train. That gives me a hint about this world being one in which Planetary has taken decisive action to make the world a better place instead of letting Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four destroy it through their influence. Which probably means Batman will be all, "I don't like that there's a shadowy cabal of four godlike figures manipulating the world! I bet we could have a better world if it wasn't for them!" That's called Dramatic Irony because we, the readers, know that if Planetary wasn't in control, Batman's world wouldn't have teleportation and hovercrafts; it would have dead baby Superman and exploded into mist Wonder Woman.

New York is bright and full of creeps in business suits which means it's probably better than Gotham which is dark and full of creeps in moth-eaten clothing and fishnet stockings. So at least that's the same across dimensions.

Is The Drummer following Wonder Woman or Popeye?

Wonder Woman goes to a party thrown by Bruce Wayne where a couple of the guests are discussing an "activation loop" and a "timetrack" and the theory that the loop goes back to the point of activation but another theory surmises that there's actually a secret activation point begun earlier which Bruce Wayne paid for and controls and I'm reading this and I'm thinking, "Is this one panel where these guests are discussing this where Shane Carruth got the idea for Primer?! I'm not even entirely sure what they're talking about but that's probably why my brain, only knowing about the things it knows, thought, "Are they discussing Primer two years before it existed?" Now my brain, being trained on In Search of... and books about weird legends & lore and The X-Files and Dungeons & Dragons and Coast to Coast AM is now thinking, "Was Primer real?"²

Because this is an Elseworlds book where Wonder Woman exists as a non-spray-of-red-mist alongside The Drummer (probably all the rest of Planetary too but I don't have proof of that yet³), the partygoers are probably talking about a device that deals in alternate realities and multiple timelines. Rumor has it that Bruce Wayne maintains a "ghost timeline" which will probably be explained but I'm guessing it's the actual Planetary timeline. If I'm wrong, understand that this is speculation as I read the comic book. Don't be like that asshole who read my New 52 Justice League International annual or whatever where I speculated about potential plot threads not being picked up (and which I mentioned being wrong about by the end!) and comment on this by saying, "What are you? A fucking stupid piece of shit? Didn't you read the solicits which explained that the next issue of Blue Beetle will follow this thread you said they wouldn't follow? Fucking moron. Stupid idiot. You should kill yourself." But if you are going to be like that person, know that I'll use you as an example of one of the dumbest assholes on the planet for the rest of my life.

Wonder Woman's main super power in this reality is attracting weird creeps.

Bruce Wayne played by Phil Hartman.

Bruce does the "I'm a total letch who drinks too much and aggressively hits on every woman I meet" bit to counteract any suspicion that he might be Batman. Just like Clark does the "I'm a total klutz with terrible eyesight whose best friend is a huge nerd" to counter the accusations that he's just Superman with glasses on. I don't know how Diana Prince hides her identity. Maybe it's the "a woman who wears clothes that don't show almost everything" so creeps won't be all, "I recognize the shape of those nipples and the outline of those labia!"

Throughout Bruce and Diana's conversation at the party, the word "wonder" is used about eight thousand times but nary one mention of a bat. Maybe it's just a coincidence that Bruce is all, "I 'wonder' what it would be like to fuck a 'woman' like Diana Prince?" Diana does not respond, "Shameless, Bruce. At least 'bat' an eye while trying to 'man'handle me!" And then Bruce is all, "Let's go back to my place, 'Wonder' 'Woman', so we can secretly meet up with 'Super' 'Man' since I'm 'Bat' 'Man'!", while doing quote fingers around each word. That's when Diana is all, "Oh shit. Sorry, Bruce, my lasso got wrapped around your leg!"

Bruce and Diana are convinced that their acts are fooling the secret rulers of the Earth who have been spying on everybody with spy satellites. But once they slip into Wayne Manor to pretend to fuck, they drop the act because the house is bat-shielded from surveillance. Also, Batman planned this party on the night that Planetary's satellites wind up in a position where a man flying from Metropolis to Gotham cannot be observed for six full minutes. Obviously Planetary is aware of this "mistake" because The Drummer's already on Wonder Woman's tail. Or Popeye's.

Bruce has been investigating Planetary and hacked into their systems to discover some shocking truths that are only slightly different from the actual shocking truths committed by Alternate Dimension Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four in the alternate dimension. Planetary shot Ma and Pa Kent in the back of the head, stole the Kryptonian ship, and flooded Smallville to hide evidence of their involvement. Planetary firebombed Paradise Island just as Wonder Woman left to join Man's World. They dissected Barry Allen to steal his superspeed to use for Planetary's version of Fed-Ex. They murdered Raymond Palmer to steal his shrinking ability to use for medical advancement in micro-surgery. They claimed the Green Lantern ring after they blew the shit out of the wearer in Tunguska. All of these things were done by Planetary to advance technology and help the advancement of the human race⁴.

What are we doing here, Ellis?! Are you trying to make me rethink my feelings toward Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four from the regular series?!

I haven't finished the story⁵ so I can't say exactly what's going on here. I only have the pages so far to go on and Bruce Wayne's point of view. If I believe that Bruce has accurately depicted what's happening then I have to believe that Planetary is no better than Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four when in power. But we know, from the regular series, that that isn't the case. What I suspect is that Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four also existed in this reality but were stopped by Planetary. I suspect that in this reality, Elijah Snow never succumbed to the mental blocks by Dowling and continued to fight them. I believe they stopped Leather from killing Superman. They stopped Alternate Dimension Nazi Sue Storm from killing Wonder Woman. But they did not stop them from killing Barry Allen or Raymond Palmer or Green Lantern. What they did do, probably, was take the information gathered by Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four and used it to make the world a better place. So Bruce only actually has half of the story. The Artemis Project was so secret (and possibly so utterly destroyed by Planetary) that Bruce has found nothing about it. So he can only suspect that Planetary is the cause of all of the evil shit that's befallen people with super powers.

I don't know who killed Bruce's parents in this reality but I'm sure it will be worked into the plot.

Oh, the other option, of course, is that Bruce is exactly right and Planetary without an obvious evil nemesis would itself become corrupt in its power. Or maybe in this reality, Elijah Snow wasn't able to kick Dracula's dick off and was turned into a vampire. Or maybe . . . well, there's just too many maybes to go through, actually. I should probably just read the stupid comic book.

Bruce can't help speaking in DC Comics. "As a 'teen', I was a 'titan' of industry but an 'outsider' in all other ways. I knew to prevent 'doom', I would have to 'patrol' religiously."

The crazy guy from earlier talking about the plot of Primer is a scientist named Erdel working on time travel. While Bruce explains to the others how Erdel began working on time travel, Ellis drops an idea that I used to talk about a lot. I think it's a thing that to Ellis and anybody who has thought about it, it seems obvious so Ellis doesn't waste any time really going into it. But it's an idea that I only ever saw become mainstream for a blip of a moment when Patton Oswalt re-Tweeted somebody who mentioned it on Twitter as if it were the first time anybody had ever thought of it.

Technically the bomb would have been in front of the Earth if moved through time. Idiot.⁶

Obviously a time machine would also have to be a space craft. Or be programmed with some kind of momentum to wind up in the correct place in space where Earth would be at that time. Imagine sending a monkey back in time and at the exact same moment something enters the Earth's atmosphere and explodes in a great fireball. Coincidence or did the monkey sent back into deep space float around for fifty years until Earth caught up to it and crashed into it? Is all that Russian dash cam footage of objects exploding in the sky as they enter Earth's atmosphere actual evidence of time travel?! Probably!

When the league trying to get justice enter Erdel's lab, they find he's already started up his time machine while muttering, "Bastards! I'll show you!"

Is he talking about the bullies that gave him so many swirlies as a kid that his hair wound up in permanent Einstein disarray?

Planetary calmly watches from space as Erdel's machine blacks out half of Gotham. It then runs out of control to bring a Martian from seventy-five million years out of the past. Several ammonites drop out of its ass as it curses its own Martian god. It begins to suffocate since it's shapeshifted to breathe the atmosphere of a very different prehistoric Earth. As the alien lies dying, Ambrose Chase teleports in to see what's going on. He seems surprised to find Clark Kent there. Maybe a little scared too.

Superman manages to push Ambrose Chase into Erdel's time loop and then Bruce shuts down the machine with a Waynearang. After that, the "league" seeking "justice" use Ambrose's teleporter to travel to Planetary's base on the moon. Mere seconds after arriving, Clark is ejected into space where he can't fly or breathe. Elijah threatens the others that they'll get the same if they don't tell him where Ambrose is. As if anybody knows where Ambrose is. Probably floating in space somewhere slowing down time so that his last breath might last an eternity.

Diana runs around the base until she finds trophy evidence that Planetary is as terrible as Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four.

They've been 'incorporated' in stasis cells to the ends of 'infinity'.

I say "stasis cells" but obviously Hal Jordan has taken one to the dome so it's probably more like jars full of formaldehyde.

Jakita explains to Diana Prince that in this dimension Jakita basically is just an insert for Alternate Dimension Nazi Sue Storm, Kim Süskind. She's all, "We're genetically better than everybody else and your island's science and socialist belief in community wasn't welcome in our world. So I had to destroy it and now I'll destroy you." But while Jakita speaks, Diana manages to remove all of her clothes. That's when I'm all, "Oh! I recognize the outline of those labia! Wonder Woman!"

While the women fight, Bruce Wayne finally gets to reveal what drove him to becoming Wayneman.

Dun dun DUN!

Is this issue going to end with Elijah Snow waking up in a cold sweat and thinking, "Whew! We have to be extremely careful not to become the Four ourselves!"?

When Elijah Snow confronts Bruce Wayne, he says, "This is the human adventure. And your not all good enough to come along." I think that's exactly what one of The Four says in the regular series. You know, just to make sure the readers understand what's going on here and why Bruce Wayne gets to be the good guy even going up against Planetary. But also, this is why this is an Elseworlds book!

Bruce defeats Elijah but then Elijah is all, "I know you can't kill and you'll have to kill me to be safe!" But Elijah forgot this is an Elseworlds title and Batman can often kill in Elseworlds titles. But also Wonder Woman defeated Jakita off-panel and then came over to help Bruce kill Elijah because, you know, Elijah was right. Bruce can't kill. I mean, he did just kill Elijah by subduing him and then not telling Wonder Woman to not kill him. But at least he didn't get his hands covered in blood. The semantics of being able to say you don't kill are really all that's important. Batman can be responsible for the deaths of thousands of people but as long as he can say he hasn't killed anybody and have that be technically true to the most pedantic of assholes, everything's right with the world.

I mean, Clark's dead but who fucking cares, I guess?

The Ranking!
A fun little Justice League book that was probably meant to be, "What if the Justice League had to deal with The Four because Planetary didn't exist?" But nobody would know what the fuck "The Four/Justice League" would have been about. It's more fun to just pit Bruce, Diana, and Clark against Elijah, Jakita, and Ambrose. And I guess The Drummer although what the fuck happened to him? I assume he was either caught by Diana as he followed her, murdered, and shoved into a dumpster. Or he actually was following Popeye and that's a whole different story. Did Ellis ever write it?! I don't have the Batman/Planetary book. Am I also missing the Planetary/Popeye jam?!


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¹ Goddammit! I just hurt my own feelings!
² Another conspiracy theory: older men's brains get super fried by conspiracy theories because they have less interruptions from their penis which normally balances how long they can think about something which cuts off the brain's ability to convince itself of truly stupid shit. So males are generally too perverse, sexist, and horny, or they're fucked up freaks who have lost the tether on reality. This especially takes hold when society has gotten so off-balance according to gender power dynamics that men can't help thinking that, just because they're men, they're the rational ones. This leads to them believing any thought that goes through their head because why would a great intelligent, logical, and rational mind think an irrational thought? The evidence of my theory is the current state of America in 2026.
³ I'm not counting Ambrose, Elijah, and Jakita on the back cover because those are spoilers for weak people who read back covers.
⁴ And line their pockets, probably.
⁵ Sure, I've finished it before. But by not remembering anything that I experience, it's like I haven't actually finished it.
⁶ Even as I call Bruce Wayne an idiot here, I've got that "I'm too old to be 100% sure about anything" feeling nagging at the back of my head that I've completely fucked this up. But if the bomb goes into the past, Earth would be further back along its orbit at that point in time. The bomb would end up in space where Earth would be in the future. So the bomb would be pumped "in front" of Earth. Right?! Am I the idiot?!