I finished re-reading this a couple of weeks ago and then set it down and forgot that I had read it because I was just relieved to have finally gotten through it again. The main thing I learned from re-reading The Lord of the Rings is that reading it once in one lifetime is enough. That's a tough lesson to have to learn in a finite lifetime! If I had children, "Only read The Lord of the Rings once in your life, and maybe zero times even," is the first thing I'd add to my list "Advice for Making My Child's Life Better (None of Which They'll Probably Take, the Ingrates)."
This might be a spoiler if you're a two year old with a Goodreads account but the One Ring is destroyed in this book by Chapter Three of Book Six (the Second Book in The Return of the King. Does that mean the trilogy is actually a sexology? I don't know. What am I? A person who can do math and knows words too?). That means there's something like seven chapters left! And one of those chapters involves a marriage! A MARRIAGE?! Between Aragorn and Arwen even! Which I'm supposed to believe is a happy ending? I guess the text doesn't definitively say Aragorn is gay but you don't go to the extremes that man was going to to avoid marrying a hot elf woman if you're into the ladies!
I suppose trudging through even more chapters about resting and traveling and singing is worth it to get to the most gruesome and bloody murder in the entire series. If only Peter Jackson had had the guts to film the Scouring of the Shire and the murder of Saruman. His throat being slit wide and the spray of blood splashing over the faces of the horrified Hobbits! I bet Ralph Bakshi would have done that scene right! But no! Instead Rankin and Bass screw it up and leave it out as well!
When I was younger, my favorite part of the book was when Éowyn kills the king of the Ringwraiths. I was all, "Ha ha! Because the prophecy said no man! But she wasn't a man! Ha ha! Stupid prophets! What a great twist!" But now I read it and I think, "Stupid prophets. This is why we, as a society, should try to encourage gender neutral terms and pronouns! So that if I ever become the lord of the dead and the lost King of Angmar, I certainly don't want to be killed because some jerk didn't account for half of the people who might kill me!"
In The Two Towers, my favorite characters were Treebeard and Gollum. In this book, my favorite characters were Pippin and Merry. Merry and Pippin are like a couple who decided to open up their marriage. First Merry is jealous of Pippin having gone to the big city, probably banging loads of studs, while he's stuck trying to get into the pants of a prudish horse king. Then later, Pippin is super jealous of Merry banging the hottest stud in Mordor and he's all, "Oh no! I'll never bang anybody as hot! But I've got to go and try!" But then Gimli is all, "You two are perfect together! Stop this nonsense! Never forget that troll I had to pull you out from under, Pippin!" And then Frodo is all, "At least your ex didn't throw your fleshlight into a volcano."
I highly doubt I'm going to read The Sillymarillion next.
This might be a spoiler if you're a two year old with a Goodreads account but the One Ring is destroyed in this book by Chapter Three of Book Six (the Second Book in The Return of the King. Does that mean the trilogy is actually a sexology? I don't know. What am I? A person who can do math and knows words too?). That means there's something like seven chapters left! And one of those chapters involves a marriage! A MARRIAGE?! Between Aragorn and Arwen even! Which I'm supposed to believe is a happy ending? I guess the text doesn't definitively say Aragorn is gay but you don't go to the extremes that man was going to to avoid marrying a hot elf woman if you're into the ladies!
I suppose trudging through even more chapters about resting and traveling and singing is worth it to get to the most gruesome and bloody murder in the entire series. If only Peter Jackson had had the guts to film the Scouring of the Shire and the murder of Saruman. His throat being slit wide and the spray of blood splashing over the faces of the horrified Hobbits! I bet Ralph Bakshi would have done that scene right! But no! Instead Rankin and Bass screw it up and leave it out as well!
When I was younger, my favorite part of the book was when Éowyn kills the king of the Ringwraiths. I was all, "Ha ha! Because the prophecy said no man! But she wasn't a man! Ha ha! Stupid prophets! What a great twist!" But now I read it and I think, "Stupid prophets. This is why we, as a society, should try to encourage gender neutral terms and pronouns! So that if I ever become the lord of the dead and the lost King of Angmar, I certainly don't want to be killed because some jerk didn't account for half of the people who might kill me!"
In The Two Towers, my favorite characters were Treebeard and Gollum. In this book, my favorite characters were Pippin and Merry. Merry and Pippin are like a couple who decided to open up their marriage. First Merry is jealous of Pippin having gone to the big city, probably banging loads of studs, while he's stuck trying to get into the pants of a prudish horse king. Then later, Pippin is super jealous of Merry banging the hottest stud in Mordor and he's all, "Oh no! I'll never bang anybody as hot! But I've got to go and try!" But then Gimli is all, "You two are perfect together! Stop this nonsense! Never forget that troll I had to pull you out from under, Pippin!" And then Frodo is all, "At least your ex didn't throw your fleshlight into a volcano."
I highly doubt I'm going to read The Sillymarillion next.
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