The Authority #21 (February 2001)

An interlude about these two Storm-washed-up losers.

The month, a story about Jackson King and Christine Trelane, possibly because somebody decided that the readers of this series needed a short break from decapitations and homophobic slurs. That's me assuming that King and Trelane don't get up to some weird shit when they're not sitting in a dark room finger-blasting each other's buttholes while The Authority saves the world. Some of you might think "Isn't finger-blasting each other's buttholes weird shit?" That's my response. Oh! This is a written format. Sorry! My response was slowly shaking my head no and silently mouthing, "Not at all. Not at all."

Doselle Young and John McCrea are taking over the writing and arting of this issue because Mark Millar had to refuel on different ways to chop the heads off of villains and Frank Quitely had to go down to his cellar to feed the pudding people he keeps in the dark as models for his covers. I'm not too familiar with Doselle Young. John McCrea's work I mostly know from his time on Hitman. The two of them worked on The Monarchy which sounds familiar enough that I may have read it. It would make sense since it began during the time The Authority was being published and since I was in on some Wildstorm in those days, I probably took a chance on it.

This issue is called "All Tomorrow's Parties" because Doselle Young was a Velvet Underground fan, I guess? It begins with King and Trelane headed to a party. Trelane relaxes and does her nails while King watches footage of The Authority kicking spines out of people's torsos and decapitating the others. He's a little bit stressed about his current gig.

I didn't expect to see any decapitations this issue but if King keeps watching this footage, I'm going to eventually see several.

Me: "I don't want to go to this event we're going to."
My friend: "Nobody's asking you to spit or swallow."
Me: "Are you comparing this event to sucking dick? And suggesting sucking dick is the worse of the two options? Also, in your scenario, the person wanting their dick sucked broaches the subject by saying, 'Will you spit or swallow'?"
My friend: "Why are we friends again?"

With regards to my friends, asking why they're friends with me is always a fair question.

We interrupt this "review" with breaking news!

John McCrea draws a nice ass!

While Jackson King manages to have a slight amount of fun dancing with Trelane, The Doctor and The Engineer hold court in the engine room with a bunch of vacant-eyed starfuckers. The Doctor points out how he and Angie wouldn't be saving the world if Stormwatch hadn't murdered their predecessors, perhaps indicating that the universe works toward things, that everything happens for a reason, that maybe bad things happen because the universe is bringing about better things. But The Engineer feels adding a moral weight to the results of things happening in the universe is illusionary garbage brought on by an intelligent mind that is capable of reflecting on the past. Maybe she doesn't go that far with it but she might if the discussion wasn't ended when The Doctor began to feel sick. She also might have pointed out that everything happens for a reason and that reason is because of the way things played out in the past, no more, no less. In other words, nothing happens for a reason. Or as Thomas Pynchon said in Gravity's Rainbow: "There was no difference between the behavior of a god and the operations of pure chance."

Oh and some guy blows his brains out while listening from a nearby catwalk.

Has The Doctor's discussion of Ionian Enchantment taken root in the real world since that's how his powers work? If he visualizes something, it becomes reality in some magical way. I learned that from Doctor 1967! So by thinking, "Bad things happen to bring along good things. It's the way the universe is ordered," did his powers go, "Oh, yeah! Let's take a visual metaphor everybody easily recognizes, the flapping of a butterfly's wings, to start in motion something that begins with a hero blowing their brains out and will end in something magnificent!" Last time The Doctor did this, the "magnificent something" was Angie agreeing to fuck him. So this time, maybe two women will want to fuck him at the same time?

As a side note: I'm not sure when this story takes place. Is it a flashback? Is it after The Authority stopped the Earth from flipping Her poles? The narration states that it's a celebration of the anniversary of the 9th Big Bang but, not really being familiar with even American holidays and when they fall, I have no idea when that takes place.

Christine and Jackson are supposed to make contact with a few super heroes for some reason that may have been explained but my mind wandered. Jackson hates the idea and storms out after throwing dancers all over the room with his telekinesis. Also he said he's getting a migraine so it's understandable. I would probably develop latent telekinetic abilities if I were in the middle of a dance floor and suddenly had a migraine just to get out of there before I threw up on everyone.

Here's a helpful hint for migraine sufferers that most people won't discuss because of politeness or something. One of the best ways to get through a migraine is to fall asleep in a dark, quiet room. That's not the hint! The hint is how to fall asleep when you're suffering through a migraine. Masturbate! It fucking works, man. I'm not saying don't pop whatever pills you have or whatever. But if you're in pain and miserable and can't aren't tired enough to blissfully fall unconscious to get you through it, masturbate.

Tommy Monaghan made the party!

I was going to scan a panel where Shen was rubbing her boobs on another woman on the dance floor but then I saw Tommy and I was all, "Sorry, readers! You'll have to Google 'two women rubbing their tits together' now!"

Judging by some of the conversations, I think this story takes place at the huge party after The Authority liberated Southeast Asia.

Hawksmoor, not trusting Jackson King, wanders off to speak with him as the other members of The Authority watch. Just in case Hawksmoor decides he wants to kick a spine out of a torso. At the same time, Trelane sits naked in a hot tub with some woman named Flint (also naked!) discussing how Christine hasn't had her period in 18 months. Is that a weird flex? Or something to be concerned about? Or does it matter because Christine winds up hypnotized by some of The Doctor's butterflies.

Like I said last review, somebody needs to murder that guy. He's a fucking menace!

Jackson King hears Henry Bendix in his head (or actually hears him from, um, somewhere?! Jackson is psychic, after all). Bendix suggests he stops being The Authority's dispatcher and starts up his own thing. He collects a glowing coin from the ground (which was, I believe, the guy who shot himself), gathers up Christine whose powers suddenly seem to have come back thanks to the butterfly, and they leave the party to go form The Monarchy. The Doctor also disappears because he suddenly knows where Jenny Quantum is and that solidifies when this takes place.

The Authority #21 Rating: B. So this was a backdoor pilot to The Monarchy. Did I feel like Wildstorm had tricked me out of $2.50 back in 2001? Probably. I may not have been as bitter and cynical as I am now when I was younger but I still knew when I was being fleeced! Except I'm pretty sure I wound up reading The Monarchy so fleeced or not, the trick worked. Plus I loved Hitman so figured I should follow John McCrea on his new venture. So the event The Doctor's butterflies were setting in motion was the formation of The Monarchy which means they'll be a real force for good in the universe because those butterflies were created while The Doctor was visualizing Ionian Enchantment. Enh, look it up. I had to!

The Authority #20 (January 2001)

The Earth from the top rope.

This is not the last issue of The Authority (that'll be Issue #29). But you think it would have to be. They're fighting the Earth. If they win, the Earth is destroyed and they have nothing left to protect. If they lose, well, that's obvious. The comic is over, right? At least that's what somebody who didn't read last issue might think and I read last issue so I know better. The Authority aren't actually battling Earth somehow! They're battling the psychotic Doctor from 1967 who somehow talked the Earth into killing everybody. I'm still not super clear on that part because Mark Millar never made that part super clear. At some point he just went from "The Earth got scared and it's lashing out at humans" to "the Earth was convinced to lash out at humans by The Doctor from 1967 and now he's the only one who can ask it to stop." Once the leap from plot one to plot two happened, it was easy to understand that's where the story was going. I just don't know why Millar decided to make it a leap without any explanation between jump and landing instead of at least one page with an easily followed path between the two points. But then I'm not worth multiple bajillions of dollars so I probably read the comic book wrong somewhere.

As it stands now, The Doctor has given his powers to 1967 Doctor for one hour in exchange for him calling off the Earth's attack on people. They have no idea what he's about to do but think they're prepared to defend themselves against him. Have they not been paying attention to The Doctor's powers? If he wants them to stop existing, they're going to stop existing. Even Midnighter can't super think his way through that problem.

We get it, edgelord writers. Some of the characters are gay!

That was the first panel of this issue. I guess that means Doctor 1967 plans to destroy The Authority with his powers?

I'm sorry. After Doctor 1967 called some of the members of the team "poofs," I started thinking about how stupid this story arc is again and now I'm dumber than I was before I started thinking about it. The first two issues when natural disasters were happening were shit issues and that was before the story stopped making any kind of sense at all. The Authority didn't know who was causing the disasters but Angie or Jack or somebody came up with a list of possible culprits. That led to Midnighter blaming it all on Doctor 1967 because he was a psychotic who maybe could do all this shit if he still had his powers and also wasn't in 20 million B.C. But he doesn't have his powers and he wasn't in the year 2000 and why they listened to him at all doesn't make a lick of fucking sense. And then the ultimate problem: why the fuck did they suddenly believe he was the only one who could convince the Earth not to kill all the humans by basically committing suicide? Without that bit of the story, which Mark Millar definitely did not provide, having The Authority give the verifiably insane Doctor 1967 the god-like shaman powers, even for an hour, to end the threat is fucking stupid. Better to try themselves until the last second to stop the Earth throwing its fucking tantrum than end everything by giving a nutjob the power to, you know, end everything! Millar never shows nor tells why The Authority felt their hands were tied and they were desperate enough to try this out.

Maybe if Millar had thrown in a decapitation or two, I'd understand what the fuck was going on.

Fine, call them queens. I expect a Millar character to do that. But fat?! Where the fuck is he getting fat from?!

Reading this story arc is the first time I'm glad I've been giving my "reviews" grades because it proves that I thought the first two parts of this story were mediocre before I even got to this fucked up nonsensical finish.

Doctor 1967 beats Apollo in two pages and kicks Midnighter all the way back onto The Carrier. Midnighter decides not to go back to a useless fight (remember his head computer! He knows he loses every iteration of the battle!) and comes up with another plan to fetch somebody who can defeat Doctor 1967. But that means Jack Hawksmoor, The Engineer, and *snicker* Swift have to keep him occupied for another 57 minutes. Apparently at the end of that time, The Doctor (the real Doctor) gets his powers back automatically and the world is safe. I say "apparently" because if Mark Millar cares to explain why The Authority felt this was their only chance, he hasn't explained it yet.

That's what I said!

Just repeating myself yet again here: the reader was never told how Doctor 1967 was the only person to convince the Earth not to reverse its magnetic poles (and who cares if it did?!). Hopefully Millar will at least have Doctor 1967 explain why he wanted the shaman powers back for an hour. Surely it wasn't just to kill a couple of fat gay guys. He must want to fuck a black hole or something.

Also, if The Doctor was cut off from his powers, how is he visiting the Garden of Ancestral Memory? Can Door reach it?

The Ancestral Doctor also mentions that Doctor 1967 could stretch the hour to infinity which is also something I pointed out last review! Which I guess means I should be praising Mark Millar for such good writing! And I will as soon as The Doctor's plan is revealed and it's so fucking awesome and contains so many decapitations that I'll literally shit my pants from excitement. At that point, I'll only slightly be disappointed that Millar didn't explain why The Authority feel they couldn't stop the Earth and only this psychotic Doctor could.

Jack Doors Doctor 1967 to Mexico City so that Jack can be as powerful as he possibly can be anywhere on Earth. He fights with him a little bit before asking the rest of The Authority for some Goddamned back-up and somehow he doesn't laugh himself silly when Swift is all, "I'll save you!"

I have no issues with Swift's boobs but if she spent 20 grand to get them to where they are now, what the fuck kind of mess were they before?! Were they square with tangled nipples?!

I have no problems if an Asian person wants to refer to themselves as "Oriental." But it is a bit fucked up for a white guy to write an Asian person who refers to themselves as "Oriental"!

Swift does the one thing that Swift does that's impressive: she explodes Doctor 1967 by flying directly through him. It's why she's useless in large fights but when there's only one enemy, I can see the benefit of having her on the team. Plus the way Frank Quitely draws it, I think we've got a +1!

Decapitation Count: 11!

Swift should have blown through his head and exploded his brain so his dying mind wouldn't have time to put himself back together. But she fucked up and winds up flying face first into a concrete fist. Jack was taken down some other way, maybe Doctor 1967 turned his organs into traffic cones. He defeats Angie by going back in time and molesting her as her high school doctor and then being all, "Hi! Remember when we last met!" Then when she's freaking out, he blasts her through a building.

Just to be clear: I didn't make that up. The Doctor molests Angie in the past just to rattle her during their current fight. So, yeah, giving this psychopath God-like powers sure seemed worth it, right?

Next, Apollo has picked himself back up and Doors himself and Doctor 1967 to the surface of the sun where Apollo proceeds to punch his face off.

That's for calling him fat!

Apollo doesn't defeat him even when he punches his brains out across the face of the sun. Doctor 1967 beats the shit out of him again and they return to Earth where Doctor 1967 turns a light sprinkle into a shower of aborted fetuses just to prove he's the biggest fucking edgelord this universe has ever seen. He only shuts up when Midnighter pisses on him from a tiny Door over his head. And remember how awesome Midnighter's blood was? That probably means his piss smells fucking disgusting.

Midnighter's plan wasn't just to piss on Doctor 1967; it was to bring with him all the gender-swapped heroes of that alternate Earth they visited. The plan doesn't work because Doctor 1967 snaps his fingers and they all disintegrate. Then he decides to reverse the poles because that seemed to be a super scary thought in 2000. Doctor 1967 just thinks it's funny because they gave him the powers to stop the Earth from doing that and now he's going to do that. Ha ha! Good one, Aborted Fetus Rainman!

But before he can do it, that's when The Doctor's plan finally kicks in! Doctor 1967's fully enlightened brain finally catches up with his raging homicidal behavior and he can't commit genocide anymore because he's overwhelmed by empathy. Yeah. That was the plan. Captain Aborted Fetus Rainman suddenly feels a twinge of empathy for every living creature in the universe and he just stops killing cold. Sure. Whatever.

And it happens at 59 minutes so, um, great plan? He did all that harm and he only had about 15 seconds left of his power before stopping willingly? Get the fuck out of here.

So no explanation as to why Doctor 1967 was the only one who could stop the Earth. And I guess the only reason he wanted one hour of power was to get hard from genocide? That's the only way he can feel aroused? Not much of a motivation but then this is Mark Millar. He probably just thought, "That's hilarious! Great ending!"

Oh fuck. This was The Doctor's plan all along! He caused all the fucking natural disasters and blamed it on Doctor 1967 because he knew it would lead to fucking Angie! He's a monster!

That's the only way this story makes sense! The Doctor was behind it all because he knew he'd fuck Angie at the end. The Doctor is the one who convinced The Authority that Doctor 1967 was the only one who could stop the Earth! But The Doctor had that power all along, obviously. He has unlimited powers! Of course he could stop the Earth. Part of the switch of powers included stopping the Earth from destroying itself which means The Doctor was the one to stop it. He probably also used his powers to convince Doctor 1967 that he was somehow behind it all. The Doctor is a diabolical sex pest!

Fucking and smoking with Jenny Quantum in the room is okay though, right?

The Authority #20 Rating: C-. So The Engineer basically gets molested by two different Doctors in this issue and The Doctor is all, "All's well that ends well!" And Angie is all, "I don't know why I'm fucking you but I guess it's my choice, right?" And nobody questions reality anymore when they witness just as how much control The Doctor has over everything. Somebody needs to fucking murder that guy.

Decapitation Count: 11!

The Authority Annual 2000: Devil's Night (December 2000)

Is Devil's Night a gay sex thing?

Neither Warren Ellis nor Mark Millar wrote this annual. It was written by Joe Casey whom I don't know much about but according to Google Image Search, has never taken a photograph without sunglasses on. According to Wikipedia, he has a ton of credits across all the mainstream and indie publishers. This is the first comic book I've ever read by him (or re-read by him. None of my 4000 or so reviews have a "Joe Casey" label) and it's an annual so I won't judge him too harshly if it's shit. How many comic book writers ever give their A-game when writing an annual? The annual gigs are usually reserved for new writers and guys desperate for a little extra cash working on a project that nobody expects to change the comic scene. Like this one: it's either a story about Apollo and Midnighter egging houses or Apollo and Midnighter in a five-way with a zombie little leaguer, a zombie accountant, and a zombie bicyclist.

God I hope they're egging houses!

The issue begins with The Engineer alerting everybody that they have a Speedster on board.

If she was one of you, knocking her unconscious would be for what? Pay?

I don't understand what the Speedster is getting at other than he has determined that Swift is not a freak. But why he's killing her for sport, I don't know. What's the alternative if she were one of him? I could proclaim that I'm too ignorant to comprehend the statement but I'd rather, in a slight change of pace from my usual form, blame Joe Casey. Maybe take off your sunglasses and do a re-read of your script, pal!

I don't mind speaking rudely to Joe Casey because I'm only speaking to the shadow of Joe Casey projected onto the walls of my mind who's composed entirely of sunglasses, bro attitude, and my spite. Why my spite? Because I'm a bitter piece of shit! Duh.

Meanwhile in Siberia, a massive Communist ship breaks out of the ice. I'm assuming it's Communist because it has red stars on it. Red stars = Communism. Blue stars = Cowboys.

Double meanwhile (unless going back to the first synopsis should be prefaced with some other introductory clause like "Back on The Carrier" or "Returning to that other nonsense Joe Casey was writing"), let me start this paragraph over.

Returning to that other nonsense Joe Casey was writing, another dead super hero arrives on The Carrier. His name is Amaze and his super power is run-of-the-mill homophobia.

This guy calling men "girls" as an insult probably gets super triggered by people who declare their pronouns.

I'm a man and I live most of my life by asking the question, "What Would Sailor Moon Do?" So if somebody calls me a girl, my eyes turn into big, pink hearts, I squeal, "Thank you!", and I fall in love with them forever. Which is also the reaction I have when somebody casually calls me "Brother"! I contain multitudes! If "two" is a multitude, anyway.

Amaze sounds like MAGA after Trump was elected. Before 2016, there were generally, "Man, I hate the gays! But it's wrong to openly hate and beat them!" Then after 2016, they were all, "Oh! People love homophobia and hatred! I can tweet homophobic slurs from my Twitter account with my real name!" And later they were all, "What are these consequences? Why does my family hate me? Where's my free speech?" Then they began wearing swastikas and claiming that the Left made them into a Nazi. Just real stand-up people, you know?

I don't know who Amaze and that speedster are because I have zero knowledge of the Wildstorm Universe. And judging by Amaze's initial reaction to Apollo and Midnighter, I'm happy to be ignorant of it.

I'm sure Joe Casey is just really good at writing to create such a monotonous homophobe. His bro glasses in every single picture ever probably have nothing to do with that.

Amaze throws Midnighter through a window on The Carrier and into the screaming abyss. Is Amaze that strong or is Midnighter that dense? I bet if Midnighter just leans against a window in The Carrier, he could crash right through it. Even if The Carrier's windows are super strong to prevent exploding into the void of The Bleed every time it travels. That's just how bad-ass Midnighter is.

Apollo flies into the screaming abyss to save Midnighter while Amaze calls them Pippi Longstockings or something.

"Bye you gays!"

The rest of The Authority have already left The Carrier to deal with the massive Communist ship I mentioned earlier. I don't think this story is that important based on the cover. I think it's just an excuse to leave Apollo and Midnighter alone to battle homophobic zombie super heroes.

Oh, I forgot about Swift. I always forget about Swift. Usually as a joke though. This time, I really forgot about her.

Swift kills the speedster by flying into its path as it runs in circles super fast around The Carrier's caged baby universe. A speedster should never die this way. If a speedster can be killed by somebody stepping out in front of them as they run, then speedster should be dying all the time by running into buses or just crashing into walls because they couldn't turn a corner quickly enough. The whole point of a speedster is that they react faster than everybody else in the world. Swift stepping out in front of him should look like a slow motion bird person walking slowly into this speedster's way and he should easily step aside. Unless? Is Swift named Swift because she's also super fast? Because then it's more like two people walking at normal speed who do that thing where they both step to the same side as they try to walk around each other. Except really fast and they actually do collide and Swift's sharp feet tear the fucker in two. Except I don't think she's actually that fast. I think Joe Casey was too busy checking out his reflection in his mirrored sun glasses in the reflection of the mirror he was looking into and not busy enough satisfying the Internet reviewer with the worst, most bitter, and pickiest takes on the stories he reads. How dare he not think about my reaction?!

After killing the speedy intruder, Swift tries to Door out to St. Petersburg to help but is attacked by some zombie Green Lantern character.

That's a terrible Lantern oath.

Maybe I was wrong about the Communist ship. It seems to be manned by zombies so it might be part of the same attack force.

Living, undead, it doesn't matter. If you've got a spine, Jack'll kick it out of your torso.

Apollo and Midnighter re-board The Carrier just in time for Amaze to call Apollo a "Mary." Where does he come up with these witticisms?! Amaze accidentally mentions pain which gives Midnighter a massive erection and the opportunity to go into his "You think you know pain? You don't know me!" schtick. Midnighter decapitates him with one punch before pushing him out of The Carrier's broken window. That decapitation doesn't count toward the regular series' Decapitation Counter because that's for Mark Millar specifically and not The Authority in general.

Jack Hawksmoor discovers the Communist ship was decommissioned in 1955. Before that, it had been created as a deterrent. What happened in 1955 that the soviets decided they didn't need it anymore? I mean, who was it created to deter also? That was the main question, I think. Because whoever it was meant to deter must be back for it to come back from the dead to deter that person.

Coincidentally and maybe not having anything to do with Jack's question, some blue and gold wearing super person emerges from the deserts of New Mexico. Does this have something to do with Roswell? Oh. No, it's just some super duper arms race where America created a guy named Adam Bomb and the Soviets created a massive ship to murder him. As for the other guys, I don't know. Are they some kind of Justice Society knock-offs?

Angie tries to enter Adam Bomb because doing that will give her some information or something? Seems weird. But Adam isn't into her non-consensual penetration and he blows up in a huge mushroom cloud. Or orgasms? I don't know. I've seen that orgy episode of The Boys. Supers are into weird shit.

Apollo blows the ship up not just in St. Petersburg's airspace but basically in the streets of St. Petersburg. No thought to what might happen when it blows up. Luckily nothing does happen because this is an annual and you can't have events in the annual affecting events in the regular series! Who needs Russia upset at The Authority for blowing up St. Petersburg after Apollo flew through the contained Baby Universe in Russia's version of The Carrier? Obviously that didn't happen. The ship blows up politely, doing very little damage to buildings that hadn't already been damaged by the zombie crew.

Adam Bomb didn't blow himself up. That's just his power. Builds up a charge, blows up, repeat. All in the name of freedom. He's an unwilling accomplice though. The Authority decide that instead of ending his life, they'll show mercy and biologically casterate him.

Yes, casteration. Admit it. You thought I was the idiot, didn't you?! Jerk!

Oh wait. They do murder him. They just did the casteration so they could have time to kill him. It's okay though because he begged for it!

I guess the other hero zombies were all old members of Stormwatch? Or just some of Bendix's goons? Like I said, I don't know shit about Wildstorm.

Joe Casy's lucky I don't rate annuals. I shouldn't even rate the regular comics either but it's the thinnest thread I can think of to keep my rambling blog posts attached to the concept of a "review." I guess "Devil's Night" was a big Wildstorm annual event where the dead came back in the annuals of all the regular Wildstorm comics. Too bad I have no idea what the fuck just happened!

The Authority #19 (November 2000)

The rare and elusive upper thigh window.

Had Thanksgiving Dinner with the family members I like last night because of some scheduling issues. So today, on the only proper day to acknowledge that we could never live without community (as opposed to the other days of the year where everything we have was due to our own indomitable spirit and hard work), I re-watched Ralph Bakshi's Wizards while wearing my Wizards t-shirt and eating chips and queso. I wonder if people today would just shrug at the message of the movie that fascism must be fought because, you know, that's difficult and dangerous. Better to be like the Mountain Fairies and just sit it out and wait, or the religious nuts living in the ancient past whose prayers effectively do nothing. It's also pretty harsh on love, in that love is great but it doesn't beat a fucking gun up your sleeve. I imagine there's a pretty large percentage of fascists who haven't seen the movie in some time and believe they love it even though it's pointing out that they're demonic assholes ruining everything for everybody? Hell, some of those fascists probably love the film because of that (and all the Nazi symbols and Hitler sound bites). They probably just stop watching before Blackwolf's defeat.

It's weird to think I grew up on Wizards. It came out in 1976 when I would have turned five. Obviously I wouldn't have seen it then but I did watch it every time I noticed it was on when it wound up on Showtime (at my Aunt's house because she was always on the cutting edge of technology. I don't know when we got cable and any pay channels in my home). Some of y'all younger folk familiar with the movie might be thinking, "Your parents let you watch that?" It was the '70s, man! Nobody looked twice at constant nipples on characters and the movie shat all over the Nazis, so I'm sure our parents were all, "Fuck yeah. Suck that shit down, kids. Nipples and love and fighting fascists are good. And religion and centrism might seem like a smart choice but they've never fucking saved the world. Be sure to come back home when it gets dark! And even if you're late, we probably won't notice! We'll be in the kitchen drinking boxed wine!"

I haven't been updating the Decapitation Count over the last two reviews because no decapitations have taken place. But I'd also like to point out that the last two issues were the worst two issues of the series so far. Is that vindication for me joke replying to a boring fact tweet by Mark Millar that his writing suffers when there are no on-panel decapitations? I think he owes me an apology for blocking me when I was just being astute!

This issue begins with The Doctor pulling a tapeworm out of his own ass with his teeth.

That isn't what's really happening but it's a story by Mark Millar so it could have been happening! Most of you know what's actually going on in that panel. For those of you too boring and vanilla and uncool, I'll explain it to you: The Doctor is doing *gasp* the heroins!

The image of The Doctor doing heroin comes from a video that was released to the press. I imagine the only person who could have taken that video was The Doctor's new bride. If The Authority doesn't finally fucking realize they need to look at her as a suspect, I'm going to pull a fucking tapeworm out of my ass with my teeth.

The media has a field day with The Doctor's video. Politicians begin calling for laws registering or banning super heroes. Things are going full Watchmen here because so many people died before The Authority could act. See? This is what happens when a writer writes stories where the heroes save the world but millions of people still die! It gives that writer an excuse to write characters who question the need for super heroes! Most people wouldn't call this masturbation but I would because it only serves to satisfy Millar and I'm getting sick watching it.

Back in 20 million BC in the Jail Before Time, Midnighter tortures The Doctor from 1967 for more information than "The Earth has begun killing people." What more does Midnighter need? When has he ever needed to know the motive of a murderer before he began killing that murderer? Just because the culprit is the Earth, he's being a bit more cautious? Is Midnighter afraid of punching the Earth to death?

Midnighter learns the Earth just got really scared when Space Daddy's cosmic jizz began terraforming Africa a few issues ago. So now it blames humans and wants them dead.

In seventy-two hours and 20 million years, you mean.

In 1999, were people still afraid of the Earth's poles reversing? Haven't we learned that's no big deal now? Or is the big deal the amount time before the poles fully reverse, where we might lose the magnetosphere? If only there were a technological tool where I could find this information instead of discussing things I'm entirely ignorant about like some meat-headed podcaster who pretends having an open mind means believing and being fascinated by anything said to me in the moment (except actual facts because it's way cooler to believe in shit nobody else has ever heard of).

After learning about the imminent death of everything on Earth, The Authority decide to visit gender-swapped Earth in dimension 838.

So this is going to be like that episode of Red Dwarf where they all fuck their gender-swapped opposites? Except Cat, of course. Unless he eventually did fuck that Dog?

I just realized in the Red Dwarf universe, they're doing the meme where "cat" and "dog" are genders!

Oh, I just remembered that Apollo and Midnighter are gay so they probably won't fuck their gender-swapped duplicates. But The Doctor definitely will. The two Doctors will be fucking forty seconds into this meeting.

Imagine having a massive flaccid dong hanging off the statue that greets immigrants to our country? As seen here, it results in a much better Earth! "Look at the size of that cock, son. America!"

The Authority are visiting alternate universes to evacuate the population of Earth while they try to calm Her down. This is 2000 and not 1950, so their solution probably won't be building a gigantic hand to slap Her. Although this is written by Mark Millar so, um, maybe?

What plan worked? Did I miss something? How is this Doctor responsible for Earth's murder spree?!

Either Millar left out some important details in his story or my comic book is missing a few pages. It sounds like I only added that second ridiculous option to make it seem even clearer that Millar fucked up but I did not. I never actually read the entirety of Neil Gaiman's Sandman until sometime in the 2010s when I realized my collected edition of The Kindly Ones was missing about fifteen pages. I also once purchased the first issue of Terry Moore's Five Years that had about five blank pages. The first time I encountered a blank page, I thought it was part of the storytelling. But the fifth page, I was pretty sure, although not quite positive, that it was an error. I'm slow to learn shit.

Filling in the gaps in Millar's story for him, I guess 1967 Doctor convinced the Earth that humans were why it was suddenly so scared? And he was able to communicate with the Earth because The Doctor was comatose? Is that what happened? I'd ask Mark Millar on Twitter but he blocked me.

The Doctor lets 1967 Doctor know that they'll do whatever they want if he'll only convince the Earth not to kill everybody. But 1967 Doctor wants to be the main Doctor again. I guess that's what's going to have to happen even though it still makes no sense! At least he only wants the powers for one hour. And The Authority is all, "What harm can he do with near limitless powers in one hour? Pretty much nothing, right? He can't warp time to make an hour infinite, can he? Oh, he can? Well, he probably won't do that, right? Let's do this!"

Once 1967 Doctor gets The Doctor's powers, Earth calls off Her attack. And then there's one more issue to go in this stupid story. Hopefully it's full of decapitations so Millar's more passionate about the script!

The Authority remembers that The Doctor can just think people into wind, right?

The Authority #19 Rating: C. Decapitation Count This Issue: 0. 'nuff said! No wait! I actually have more to say! Do you think Stan Lee hated that whole "'nuff said" thing about a year after he began doing it? I bet it haunted his life until the day he died! "Honey, you want to go make love?" "No. 'nuff said!" Although he probably used it to his advantage to, like when he was telling Jack Kirby that he wasn't going to ever get any residuals on any of the characters he created. "'nuff said, Jack! 'nuff fucking said! Get off Stan's dick, why don't you?!" Oh. I just realize I didn't really have much more to say since it was all about the "'nuff said" and not about the comic book. Whatever.

Shit. I just realized The Authority never looked into The Doctor's wife as the cause of all this trouble. Now I have to Google: "how do I get a tapeworm" and "how do I lure a tapeworm out of my butthole."

The Authority #18 (October 2000)

Midnighter's point of view after making Apollo ejaculate.

At the end of the last issue, New York was hit by a tidal wave. It wasn't saved by The Authority because they're apparently cops now. How do you expect them to save lives when their main job is taking lives? What you want is a psychic who can tell you where not to be when the shit fucking goes down hard. Cops are just there to enforce mostly bullshit traffic laws and hand out fix-it tickets to poor people who already fucking know they've got a light out, officer, and how do you think fining them is going to help them pay for the fucking fix? Even when The Authority was stop Yellow Peril Terrorists, Cosmic Jizz, and Alternate Dimensional UKIP Soldiers, they were only stopping them after they'd killed thousands of people. It's tough to get excited about a team that stops end of the world threats when the threat destroys so many lives before it's over. I suppose that's a half full and/or empty glass situation. But it's also one of the reasons I've never liked wrath of nature action movies. As a member of the audience, why am I supposed to feel good that Tom Cruise and his family, or The Rock and his dumb kids, survive some huge natural disaster while watching dozens, if not hundreds, of people die all around them. "Oh, yay! The people the camera focused on made it to the end of the movie alive! Who the fuck cares about anybody else?!" But as an anybody else in the audience, I fucking care! I want to survive too! When do I get to be the main character?!

Anyway, have a look at New Yorkers drowning in a flood:

Most of them seem to having a nice time. Especially old "Holla Raise the Roof" in the lower left corner. Maybe a little bored but still partying!

That first page was basically the cover from last issue. So I guess the cover of this issue will be the first page next issue. That means this issue will end with Midnighter sucking off Apollo. Which is really nice in a symmetrical sort of way. Last issue ends in a tidal wave of seawater; this issue ends in a tidal wave of magma cum. Water and fire. So the next two issues will end in air and earth ejaculations?

The second page continues the "people drowning in agony and/or ennui" theme. Just loads and loads of people drowning. This is catastrophic! Millar must be going for a really dark tone in this one. Look how quickly life can end, and in such vast numbers as to be nearly incomprehensible. How does a mortal being look upon this kind of destruction and not weep high fashion two hundred dollar reusable water bottle?

No wait. It's a comedy.

Did you catch that joke? That male character has been in love with another male character since he first met him! Ha ha! Gays!

I think a better joke than revealing that one of these men is a homosexual would have been for the homosexual firefighter (who could be heterosexual in my joke because I'm not relying on his sexuality for a punch line) to be all, "I know you've been peeing in my coffee! Have you noticed how often I leave my mug unattended by the urinal? Can I get one more splash before we die?" Is that a funny joke? No? Well at least it's not homophobic!

Swift rescues the firefighters before they drown so now they're going to have to awkwardly work with each other without ever mentioning their near-death bed confessions again. I bet Billy is all, "You can keep boffing my wife, by the way. Really relieves some stress around the house. Also she kisses me after she blows you thinking she's getting one over on me. Although she always seems really confused by how much tongue I give her when she does."

The Engineer turns into 82 versions of herself to save some people from drowning. Swift saves the two firefighters. Apollo saves a few more. And Jack Hawksmoor, Jackson King, and Christine Trelane have teleported 40,000 New Yorkers aboard The Carrier to save some lives.

Are New Yorkers known for shooting at each other after they've been saved from near death?

Jenny Quantum needs to be taught about consent as soon as possible. She also needs to be drawn by somebody other than Chris Weston because right now she's the ugliest fucking baby in the world.

I'm not even sure she's technically alive.

That's not even the ugliest picture of Jenny Quantum in this comic. I just chose that one because I love the way Jackson King is just kind of holding her under his arm like a stack of books and the dopey fucking look on her face.

Everybody's upset The Doctor has overdosed on heroin because this is the kind of thing that he could fix up immediately. They're also wondering who might be behind all these natural disasters suddenly happening all over the Earth. None of them think, "Those two things are probably related, right? Take out the guy who can stop natural disasters in a heartbeat before you start seeding the globe with natural disasters." Also, Midnighter did say The Doctor's wife was a pain in the ass and causing tens of thousands of deaths via man-made natural disasters constitutes being a pain in the ass, I think. Let me check my Oxford English Dictionary. Yep. Pretty standard definition of pain in the ass.

The non-capitalized doctor wants to inject some of Midnighter's blood into capitalized Doctor because Midnighter's immune system has already fought every battle one million ways inside it's immune system mind and it knows exactly how the battle's going to end.

Don't you mean you beat HIV in six weeks? Words matter, sir.

The Engineer tells Apollo she wants The Doctor off the team because he coincidentally overdosed the exact same day a disaster happens that he could have prevented. Apollo does not say, "A-ha! I bet there's a connection there!" because Apollo isn't autistic. Am I wrong in thinking that every character in literature and television who can make "A-ha!" leaps of logic are autistic-coded? Like, um, Sherlock Holmes, Columbo, and House, M.D.? Probably others but I have an ass to scan and an apology to make to Chris Weston.

Half-ass all the faces you want, Chris, if you're going to full-ass all the asses like this. What's that thing Campbell Soup says? "Mmm, Mmm, Good"? "Never Underestimate the Power of Butt"? "It's Amazing What Butt Can Do"?

The Authority have done all they can for New York City so they leave it in the hands of the National Guard and some other heroes they picked up at Home Depot. If you think, because of that statement, that the heroes who came to help were Mexican, you're racist. I just meant they're heroes without regular jobs! Calm down, Internet. Sometimes looking for racism under every rock is the racist thing to do. Did that make sense? Did I sound wise?

Oh, also, there's an earthquake brewing in California that The Authority have tagged as an extinction level event. Please. A big earthquake in California isn't extinction level! It's fucking excitement for the Californian natives! Ain't nothin' like riding a big old fucking earthquake to make you feel alive. You know, if you survive it which most people do! It's not the earthquake that's dangerous; it's the shoddy man-made constructions we all scramble around in like gigantic pink and horny ants. I, a Californian native, missed the big Loma Prieta Earthquake in '89 because I was off at my first year of college like a big old stupid moronic idiot and I'll regret it until the day I die!

I don't get it.

Does Jack Hawksmoor equate prom night with rape? He can't seriously be suggesting people would peer pressure their virgin dates into a great big fuck and suck fest at the Red Lion, does he?! Or does he mean "sweating" as in "sweating between the legs because it's prom night and everybody is fucking horny and ready to go and nobody's actually nervous at all except for the guy who brought Wolfman as his date and felt Wolfman's huge rigid penis against his leg when they danced and now he's wondering if he has enough amyl nitrate to get him through until morning"?

Anyway, the brewing earthquake is in San Francisco because of course it is.

I don't remember any dormant volcanoes in the Santa Cruz mountains? But that's a nice shot of the Bay Bridge!

At least the people of San Francisco understand how to look terrified unlike the people of New York who met death with a hearty, "Enh. Whatever."

The Authority puts out an order to evacuate from Berkeley to San Jose. Oh no! MOTHER! I hope she gets out safely!

San Francisco won't talk with Jack Hawksmoor so he can't tell it to pull itself together. That means Apollo has to dive into the fissure that opened up beneath the city (which is different than the volcano? Or the cause of the volcano?) and convince it to close itself somehow. Probably with his heat vision!

Midnighter arrives to help although you can pull out the intestines of a natural disaster and feed them to itself so I don't know how much good he's going to be. He does announce The Doctor will be making a full recovery just as a bunch of trees suddenly sprout through the ground and swarms of locusts attack. I'm not sure why that was needed when volcanic eruptions and earthquakes usually don't result in instant trees and insects. Maybe Millar introduced the locusts because he wanted to do a bit where The Engineer creates a bunch of enormous bug zappers hanging in the sky?

This butt is a little too butty. But still acceptable.

Apollo shuts off the tap to the volcano after The Engineer clears out the bugs and San Francisco is safe! Now to figure out who's behind it all! Maybe The Doctor took some PCP and did all this himself? Or was forced PCP! I'm still voting on The Doctor's new bride as the main culprit.

The Midnighter gets a list of possible culprits from Christine Trelane's files and goes off to interrogate them. Eventually he happens upon an old Doctor from 1967 who began murdering everybody on Earth alphabetically by nation. After three nations, he was captured and put away in a prison complex, Before Christ, LTD, at the beginning of the world. He claims he has nothing to do with these disasters, being that his power was taken from him after he turned out to be a psychopath. But he does claim to know who the enemy is.

Oh, is this where The Authority have to stop saying, "We're saving the Earth," and start saying, "We're saving Mankind!"?

The Authority #18 Rating: B-. Well, this can't end well, can it? The Authority are going to have to kill the Earth to keep the Earth from killing every human but then where will all the humans live when Earth is dead? What a conundrum! Do you think maybe Earth liked being the home of Space Daddy more than humans? Then when The Authority killed Space Daddy God, Earth was all, "Fuck you, assholes! You killed my best tenant! You're evicted!" Does Earth have a spine that Jack Hawksmoor can kick out of it? Does it have a face that Midnighter can punch? How do you calm the Earth when it gets all riled up like this? I'm thinking they need loads and loads of sacrifices. And we already have a really good method of sacrificing the perfect people who don't bring anything but violence and pain to this world! Start building Wicker Men, everybody! Time for the cops to burn to appease Earth!

The Authority #17 (September 2000)

I thought The Authority were making the world a better place to live? Is drowning good?

Speaking of drowning, I was recently wondering why I'm re-reading old comic books instead of attacking my huge pile of unread books and quickly decided I knew what the answer was: comic books are only 20-24 pages and every single book in my stack is like 500 pages plus! What a chore! Also, I waste a lot of time doing things other than reading that amount to basically doing nothing. The things that keep me busy in modern life are equivalent to sitting in a dark room and humming the first stanza of the last song I heard before shutting the door to my dark space. None of it fucking matters: it doesn't better me; I don't learn anything; my body gets no physical benefit from it; and my soul, which I know isn't an actual thing but a metaphor for, I don't know, ambition or achievement or passion, slowly rots. I mean drowns! I already forgot the initial metaphor I was riffing on!

Speaking of drowning as a metaphor for ennui, I just re-watched Ringu. So I was sat watching a video of people watching a video that drastically reduces their finite life and I didn't think, "Too on the nose?" I mean I did think that now, afterward! Having time to think about a movie after I got done watching it is probably why people think watching movies is "less passive" than watching television when actually they're both passive. Writing is active, dumb dumbs! Even reading is passive! But they're different levels of passive. In reading, you control the flow of time which enables you to stop at any moment to think about what you're reading. Thinking is active! So reading contains the illusion of being active because some people actually think about what they're reading and nobody just consumes a book in one sitting and follows it up with another book immediately without ever thinking about the first book. Whereas television is made to watch one thing and then go immediately into the next thing, and the next, and the next. No time to think about any of it! You just consume and forget and consume and forget! But then movies were always things where you had to make an effort. You went out, usually not alone, saw the movie, and then spent time discussing it with the people you saw it with as you spent time changing locations. Seems active because it gives space for thought! Of course now with streaming, who thinks about anything ever? We just sit alone in our dark room, or "well", and consume our "videos" while we seethe with an unconscious inner rage that burns itself into the fabric of space and time such that it curses teenagers to die within a week when they see you and realize just how shit your life is.

But I figured out how to break the curse! I copy down my terrible thoughts onto this blog and other people read them and then I get to live longer than seven days! Yay! Too bad y'all are fucking doomed now. Better paste links to my blog all over the place so you can stay alive and push that one-week-until-death turd off onto somebody else!

Anyway, the next four issues of this series (was there a Wildstorm mandate to make all stories four issues to easily package them as collections later?) contain the story, "Earth Inferno." It's not drawn by Frank Quitely which is a shame because even though I kept saying his characters looked like they had pudding injections, I actually adored his art. This new guy, Chris Weston? Is he an artist or just some intern who could meet a deadline?

Really wishing my father had bashed me over the head and kicked me into a well right about now.

Chris Weston should rest easy knowing that I'm not a good art critic. I'll give you an example: I don't care for Jim Lee's art. I know, right?! I also never liked the wave of artists that led to Image in the '90s. Artists like David Finch and Tony Daniels freak me out because all their men look fifty, covered in lines with weird Innsmouth fish mouths, while their women are clear-skinned angels who never look more than fourteen years old. Although I do appreciate that they always draw at least one scene of a woman coming out of a shower in a towel. Unless they're drawing a fourteen year old coming out of the shower in a towel and now I feel like throwing myself headfirst into a well.

I don't mind oddly drawn comics though! A person's consistent style can often win me over when their aesthetic isn't exactly beautiful. But not always. Take Chris Weston, as an example!

So what I was trying to say before Truth broke in with all her matter-of-fact about terrible art, was that Rome (and Vatican City which is sort of a subset of Rome) has been beset by tornadoes, smashing a bus right through the Pope either proving that God doesn't exist or God hates Catholics. Coin toss, that. The Authority, having made it their mission to make the world a better place, are all, "This is in our purview, right? We should look into this? It's 1999, are we worried about climate change yet? That's something huge we should fix!"

The Authority decide to send Apollo and one of The Engineer's to look into it. Yes, one of several. Angie has begun to duplicate herself to get more done and you also you know what else she's doing with her copies. Exactly what all of us would wind up doing with exact duplicates of ourselves: start a Dungeons & Dragons campaign.

Is one nipple on a horrific skeletal and incomplete torso enough to get me aroused? No comment.

Apollo's look in the above scan makes me think Weston's art is similar to Charlie Adlard's art. If Chris loves Charlie Adlard's art, he should take that as a compliment and then not read this next sentence. It was Charlie Adlard's art that made me stop reading The Walking Dead because everybody looked like everybody else and I couldn't tell who the fuck was doing what or who just died or who was just exploded by a tank while carrying, was that Rick? Or her baby? I know, you'd think I'd have stopped reading The Walking Dead because of every story was basically the same story but with a weirder and more aggro antagonist. No, it was Adlard's art. Which was a shame because I really fucking loved Tony Moore's work on the series. It's why I happened to pick up the first issue and write my first letter to a comic book which, I think, was printed in Issue #7?

The Doctor can't help with this thing happening to the Earth that's totally in his wheelhouse because he's on his honeymoon with his new rock star bride. Uh oh. He already had a predilection for the hard drugs. Now put a hot rock star into the mix? The Doctor's fucking done.

Meanwhile Jack Hawksmoor consults some blond guy in glasses and a white suit about The Authority's business, especially The Doctor.

Am I supposed to know who this asshole is?

Oh, um, that's Midnighter! I'd forgotten he loses about 70% of his sex appeal out of his leather costume. Who even knew he owned any other clothes?

During their conversation, Midnighter hands Jack a piece of paper which Jack reads and hands back to Midnighter. It doesn't seem like their discussion has anything to do with what's on the paper. Something's up! But for now, they need to deal with The Doctor. They crash his hotel pad in Sydney and find him unconscious from an overdose. His wife is nowhere to be seen. But before Midnighter can poke him in the right pressure points to wake him up or Jack can convince the city to grow a drug rehabilitation clinic inside the hotel room, Swift calls the entire team to New York for an emergency.

Tidal wave!

The Authority #17 Rating: C. Hey! Hey! Notice how I didn't make a crass comment about the World Trade Center being destroyed by that terrorist wave? Something like, "The art team on The Authority got used to not having to draw the towers in New York a full year earlier than other artists!" I'm really proud of myself for not saying something like that! Really toning shit down on this blog! No more edgelord shit for me! Oh, and this issue was super average. Errors in the dialogue. Mediocre art. Pretty boring start to a story. It's like a really great series decided, "Sixteen issues of quality is all people need! Now we can just phone this shit in and let the reader's imagination and love of the previous sixteen issues of character development and exciting action make up for our lazy asses! Let's cash those checks, boys!"

The Authority #16 (August 2000)

Generic cover? Generic comment.

I almost went with "Generic cover with tits" but then I thought, "There are only four tits on this cover which roughly half the population probably don't even think about when they look at this cover. The other half of the population has this thing called 'male gaze' (also 'lesbian gaze' but I think it's less salacious and disgusting (I mean, I hope it isn't. But guys are gross)) which makes the viewer's focal point the tits. If the shot was from behind and it was a bunch of asses being shown, we'd all be in the same boat because who, no matter the gender or sexuality, doesn't love looking at a nice ass?" I also thought that maybe I should stop sexualizing characters as often as I do but then I anti-thought, "Why can't I sexualize fictional characters who wear skin tight outfits and who were almost certainly drawn with their sexuality and attractiveness at the forefront of the artist's mind? I understand that's going to be a percentage on a continuum dependent on the artist, from Frank Cho to Becky Cloonan. I apologize to Becky Cloonan if she's actually been drawing characters to exude horn dog levels of hot pants but I really couldn't think of an artist that doesn't draw characters in a way I want to fuck them. Oh, maybe Frank Miller?!"

Last issue began with what I think were Jacob Krigstein's version of The X-men attacking New York City while other Krigstein-version of Marvel heroes were attacking Paris, Berlin, and Beijing as well. The Authority happened to be in New York City investigating the location of Krigstein's The Hanger which is why I know the heroes attacking there. I'm sure the Fantastic Four are attacking Paris and the Inhumans are attacking Berlin and the Avengers are attacking Beijing.

"Why am I so full of pudding?!"

I passed up scanning a picture of Swift looking like "Fuck Me Hard" Black Canary Barbie (you can see half of one tit!) just to scan Jack Hawksmoor as a good example of something I mentioned in a previous review: Frank Quitely draws people as if they've had subdermal pudding injections. Look at that squelchy motherfucker. LOOK AT HIM! He's even leaking pudding out of his pores!

Midnighter calls dibs on murdering every single alternate X-man so the other members of The Authority have to fuck off to other capitals to have their fun. They say Krigstein is attacking every nation's capital at once but I have a feeling he's only attacking the four I previously mentioned for two reasons: 1. those are the only cities being shown with portals opening in them last issue; 2. there are only five currently active members of The Authority (Apollo is pouting because he was almost kicked to death but he'll come around when he hears Commander Fascist and Storm Dog have come back out of hiding).

See? Teenagers! They are the X-men.

Paris comes under attack not by the Fantastic Four, as I wrongly guessed (stop reminding me of my flaws, me), but Nick Fury and the Agents of SHIELD. The reasoning behind allowing Fury to destroy France is that Nick Fury is a super racist patriot who super hates the French for all the reasons people who hate the French would know about. Me, I don't know about any of them. What's wrong with the French?! They fucking stand up for the right and the liberty to sit around drinking coffee while philosophizing about the ennui of existence. And they fuck a lot because fucking makes them forget about the ennui of existence even though it reminds them of death because they call an orgasm "a little death" for some reason.

Okay now it just feels like Mark Millar decided to write comic books so he can have other characters espouse his terrible beliefs!

Jack Hawksmoor defends Paris by instructing Paris to consume Fury and his agents. Previously, Jack Hawksmoor just got his strength from cities and could "understand" them, feeling their pain and such. But now he's like the Aquaman of cities where he can give the cities instructions and they're all, "Right on it, Mr. Hawksmoor!" And since we all know Aquaman was fucking the sea life, I'm guessing Jack Hawksmoor loves to stick his dick into water taps and sewer grates (the water tap is the vagina; the sewer grate is the butthole).

Once Jack gives the order, Paris suddenly gains the ability to suck people into its concrete. Is that how the Paris catacombs were created? Are the catacombs the intestines of Paris?!

The Doctor defeats the team attacking Moscow off-panel but we do get to see the results of the fight.

The Inhumans? The Brotherhood of Evil? That deflated lady looks like both Medusa and Blob.

In Beijing, The Engineer must face off against the Fantastic Four with Silver Surfer and some gigantic guy with a burning pool cue. Angie deals with them by using them as guinea pigs for an experiment she's been working on: opening Door to alternate dimensions (sure, it already does that. But maybe she just wasn't any good at it until now). She teleports them to a world that's just big black men because that's the scariest thing she (read: Mark Millar) can think of? Be better, Angie. But also the population of that world have exterminated all white people so Krigstein's racist white supremacy heroes are in for a bit of an ass pounding (I mean that in the pugilist sense and not the rape sense, you sickos!).

The team has run out of heroes to protect places because obviously Swift can't be trusted to fly through more than one person before being all, "I'm a pacifist! I don't want to do this anymore!" That's when The Engineer realizes nobody has gone to Washington, DC. But Jack is all, "Oh, don't worry about that! That's where Commander Fascist and Storm Dog landed. Pretty sure they've already been Apolloed. Did you catch that? I used Apollo's name as a verb to indicate that they've been tortured relentlessly, probably de-limbed, and burnt to cinders as slowly as possible!"

Oh duh! Swift does have a job: one specific old-as-fuck man to fly her quite appealing ass through!

Krigstein shits himself when he sees Swift just stroll on into his hidden complex. Jenny Quantum simply smirks. Oh, and she also does a doody.

I just remembered I need to be on the look out for decapitations! I hadn't seen any by The Authority but had forgotten to look for civilian decapitations by the enemies. And I found some (by both the bad guys and Midnighter, just FYI)!

Midnigher only decapitates on X-men as far as I can tell before he has The Carrier target all of the rest save one, obliterating them all. The last one, a little Beast wannabe motherfucker, gets what we all expected he would get because Midnighter loves sharp weapons and close combat and, well, you know.

No not cock! I was thinking decapitations! But, I mean, sure, cock too.

Meanwhile in Washington, DC, Apollo incinerates every single one of Krigstein's army except for Storm Dog and Commander Fascist. He kills Storm Dog with one punch but goes easy on Commander Fascist, merely paralyzing him from the waist down, because after what he did to Apollo, Midnighter called dibs on giving Commander Fascist an ass pounding.

I meant that one in the rape sense and not the pugilist sense this time! The sicko!

Swift approaches Doctor Krigstein who cradles Jenny Quantum in his arms to prevent Swift from flying straight through him. He still believes he can win even though The Authority called up all of the other superheroes in the Wildstorm universe to help battle Krigstein's monsters. Swift assures him that he will not win, no matter how long he keeps it up and how much of the Earth's population is killed in the battle. Swift suggests he stops his attack and offers him an alternative to outright losing.

How dare you add Pokemon to that list? Kill him, Swift! Kill the blasphemer!

I'm assuming Doctor Krigstein joins the team because he's super old but he still doesn't want to die. Also it's a nice idea to have Jack Kirby on The Authority, right? I also suppose he calls off what's left of his superheroes and brings them back to The Hanger. Does this mean The Authority have access to an army of pseudo-Marvel characters?

The comic ends during another party on The Carrier so I guess the world's at peace once again. For a bit. The Engineer and Jack discuss the future while a dress shoe spies on them from around the corner. I mean a person in a dress shoe not the actual dress shoe. You understood that, right? Plus Midnighter receives a letter from Tank Man about how he's become a normal person with a family and he's happy.

The Authority #16 Rating: A+. Swift the pacifist does the thing that needs to be done more often and brokers peace through discussion. Sure, they hired a gross little old man to the team but he's got a lot of resources that come with him! Even though The Authority basically won through ultra-violence and one horrible case of pneumatic drill ass rape, Swift gave the ending a greater meaning. Finally some heroes so serious about changing the world that they hire a racist, fearmongering, baby-kidnapping, end-of-the-world prepper to help make it better instead of following their baser instincts and just murdering him out of vengeance and revenge. Commander Fascist, on the other hand, didn't fare so well. Shrug emoji.

One last decapitation: Doctor Doom Boobs. Decapitation Count for the comic: 5! Total for the series: 10!