Hey, hey! We're The Authority! Love to watch us kill and slay!
If The Authority were The Monkees, Midnighter would be Mike Nesmith, Jack Hawksmoor would be Mickey Dolenz, Apollo would be Davy Jones, and The Doctor would be Peter Tork. The three women would be women Davy Jones fucked because whenever a woman appeared on The Monkees, Davy Jones fucked her. It was a running gag that wasn't maybe such a funny gag when you listen to the song "Cuddly Toy." At that point, you want to both vomit and call the police every time you see Davy interacting with a woman. To be fair to The Monkees (which I feel they need because they just seem so innocent and whimsical and carefree (even though they were punk as fuck)), the song was written by Harry Nilsson. I bet Davy Jones never even thought about the words he was singing. He probably took it literally because who has time to deconstruct the lyrics of a song when you're banging every woman who says hello to you? I'd be so much more stupid than I am if women were throwing themselves at me constantly. I probably would have read three books in my entire life and those books would have been Where the Red Fern Grows, The Autobiography of Jim McMahon, and Rambo: First Blood.
When we last left The Monkees, their Earth was being invaded by Alternate Dimensional British Racists (you know, UKIP!) and they were all out of songs to sing to confuse the baddies and win the day. But Jenny Sparks had an idea to buy them some time: throw Apollo out of a Door over Northern Europe where he may or may not fall to his death as he recharges in the sun. The only person who is okay with that plan is Apollo. Not because he wants to die but because he knows he's the only one who can stop the invasion. It's a theme we'll see often in The Authority: the members do heroic and deadly things not because they want to but because they're the only ones left who can. Most of them could retire if they just found a way to make Midnighter fly.
When we last left The Monkees, their Earth was being invaded by Alternate Dimensional British Racists (you know, UKIP!) and they were all out of songs to sing to confuse the baddies and win the day. But Jenny Sparks had an idea to buy them some time: throw Apollo out of a Door over Northern Europe where he may or may not fall to his death as he recharges in the sun. The only person who is okay with that plan is Apollo. Not because he wants to die but because he knows he's the only one who can stop the invasion. It's a theme we'll see often in The Authority: the members do heroic and deadly things not because they want to but because they're the only ones left who can. Most of them could retire if they just found a way to make Midnighter fly.
While Midnighter slowly walks Apollo to the Door, interdimensional shiftships are fucking the shit out of Northern Europe.
Midnighter has time for a quick blow job before he pushes Apollo out the Door and possibly to his death. I would have Doored Apollo directly into the sun with a boomerang Door to Northern Europe waiting just a few seconds drop beneath the first Door. But what do I know? Like is that even more dangerous to Apollo? Could he survive on the sun? He's a Superman insert so I guess it depends on what version of Superman we're talking about. But this is The Authority so it's probably the greatest and most powerful version. What I mean to say is I'm right and my plan would work out better than Jenny's plan.
As you can see in the first panel, Jack Hawksmoor gets the job of cleaning up the corpses and throwing them into a Door which probably exits on the sun. Man, if they were only smart enough, one of them could be saying that two birds pap right now!
Swift stays on Wildstorm Earth to help guide Apollo to the ships he needs to destroy. The rest of the group head to Sliding Earth with the help of The Carrier.
As you can see in the first panel, Jack Hawksmoor gets the job of cleaning up the corpses and throwing them into a Door which probably exits on the sun. Man, if they were only smart enough, one of them could be saying that two birds pap right now!
Swift stays on Wildstorm Earth to help guide Apollo to the ships he needs to destroy. The rest of the group head to Sliding Earth with the help of The Carrier.
Who modeled this ship after the head of a blow-up doll?
I'm not criticizing Bryan Hitch by saying that The Carrier looks different from earlier issues but does The Carrier looks different from earlier issues because Hitch is terrible at his job?
Calm down! That was a symmetry joke! Hitch isn't terrible at his job at all. My guess is that it took Hitch a few issues to realize that the whole vibe of this comic book is technological kinky sex addiction.
The Doctor uses his magic to help heal The Carrier after all the damage it suffered at the hands of Apollo and the Sliding Albions. Maybe that's why it now looks like the head of a sex doll. It's transitioning into its chosen form. I hope Regis's shiftship looks like a massive cock (which makes sense! He lost his to Jenny so he'd want to own a vehicle that says, "I've lost my cock but this makes up for it, right?!") so that The Carrier can just ingest it and bite it off, thus castrating Regis yet again.
Meanwhile on Earth, Midnighter is about to be very, very, very, um, very sad.
Calm down! That was a symmetry joke! Hitch isn't terrible at his job at all. My guess is that it took Hitch a few issues to realize that the whole vibe of this comic book is technological kinky sex addiction.
The Doctor uses his magic to help heal The Carrier after all the damage it suffered at the hands of Apollo and the Sliding Albions. Maybe that's why it now looks like the head of a sex doll. It's transitioning into its chosen form. I hope Regis's shiftship looks like a massive cock (which makes sense! He lost his to Jenny so he'd want to own a vehicle that says, "I've lost my cock but this makes up for it, right?!") so that The Carrier can just ingest it and bite it off, thus castrating Regis yet again.
Meanwhile on Earth, Midnighter is about to be very, very, very, um, very sad.
Byyyyyyyyeeeeeeee!
Once The Carrier enters Sliding Albion airspace and stops moving at Bleed Speeds, it seems to regain its proper shape. I failed to take into account that it was just moving quickly in that other scan so it was slightly distorted. Man, Bryan Hitch is super good at his job!
The Carrier's so massive that it blocks out the sun over Sliding London when it arrives and a bunch of blue aliens shit their reverse spider holes just before Jenny Sparks Independence Day's Sliding Parliament.
The Carrier's so massive that it blocks out the sun over Sliding London when it arrives and a bunch of blue aliens shit their reverse spider holes just before Jenny Sparks Independence Day's Sliding Parliament.
Byyyyyyyyeeeeeeee!
Maybe I should have said she "Reverse Guy Fawkes' Sliding Parliament"? Reverse in that she actually blew it up while he didn't and also she blew it up from above instead of from below.
Unluckily for everybody (but especially Regis), Regis was inside Parliament at the time. He comes running out, every spider orifice ablaze. You know why I said unluckily for Regis. I meant unluckily for everybody else because Jenny wanted to re-attach his dick before ripping it off again and the others probably wanted to, I don't know, watch that? Maybe I should have thought the beginning of this paragraph through a bit more before typing it and then shrugging and thinking, "Why edit anything I write ever? What's the point? Why was I even born?"
Quick Wildstorm Earth check-in: Apollo wakes up before hitting the ground and destroys loads and loads of Sliding Albion shiftships. Swift gives him some advice on how to read the wind so she doesn't seem as useless as every reader knows she is. I can't think of a worse description than "Hawkman without a mace." Oh wait! "Green Arrow with a bow!" Fuck. If somebody called me that, I'd have to eat out their asshole and call them God.
No, it doesn't count if you say it to me now that I've put it out there, you kinky bastards!
Unluckily for everybody (but especially Regis), Regis was inside Parliament at the time. He comes running out, every spider orifice ablaze. You know why I said unluckily for Regis. I meant unluckily for everybody else because Jenny wanted to re-attach his dick before ripping it off again and the others probably wanted to, I don't know, watch that? Maybe I should have thought the beginning of this paragraph through a bit more before typing it and then shrugging and thinking, "Why edit anything I write ever? What's the point? Why was I even born?"
Quick Wildstorm Earth check-in: Apollo wakes up before hitting the ground and destroys loads and loads of Sliding Albion shiftships. Swift gives him some advice on how to read the wind so she doesn't seem as useless as every reader knows she is. I can't think of a worse description than "Hawkman without a mace." Oh wait! "Green Arrow with a bow!" Fuck. If somebody called me that, I'd have to eat out their asshole and call them God.
No, it doesn't count if you say it to me now that I've put it out there, you kinky bastards!
Is he more ominous because he put raping and killing in that order? Or is it worse the other way around? It probably depends on if you're the victim or somebody watching from nearby.
Regis kicks Midnighter's ass but I don't know if that's because Regis is more powerful than Midnighter or the plan calls for Midnighter to get his ass kicked as a distraction. Either way, it works because Jack Hawksmoor's able to climb into the city's bowels and explode up through Regis.
Does this count as a second castration? Or just dead?
Jack Hawksmoor is like a Magic the Gathering creature that gets more powerful for every land you control. Except by land I mean city and by Magic the Gathering I mean what is that? I'm too cool to know what that is.
After Regis is dead, The Doctor takes care of the alien base in Italy. He does this by putting Italy on a timeout while the rest of the Earth keeps on orbiting the sun. Everybody in Italy dies a frozen popsicle after everything inside them bursts. Jenny tells Sliding Earth that they can have a second chance now that the alien regime is gone. She didn't destroy the rape camps in China or clear out the bacterial infection from every single piece of land in the world. I think she's a little bit pissed off at the whole place right now. She'll come back if Mark Millar runs out of ideas during his run on this series.
The Engineer freaks out a little bit about how much power they have to manipulate an entire world. But everybody else is all, "This is what we do! We make things better! Not everything. Just some things. Like killing Regis and destroying Italy. What will that do in the huge scheme of things on a planet where aliens and alien hybrids still run rampant doing whatever they want to the human populace? Who knows! We didn't even touch the rape camp that is China. Why should we? They weren't trying to invade our Earth and nobody asked us if we would! Not our problem. I mean, it's kind of our problem since we declared we're going to make Earth a better place. But it's not like we said 'every Earth!' And we certainly didn't say Sliding Earth! Fuck this place. We're going home. Have your existential crisis there, Angie!"
The Authority #8 Rating: A. The Authority are meant to be a bad-ass team with loads of cool and somehow Warren Ellis got that pretty much right without it feeling likes he's trying too hard. Yes, he does try too hard at times. But it's forgivable because how can you not love Midnighter and Apollo being all sweet on each other one moment and destroying the fuck out of anybody they look at the next? How can you not love Jenny Sparks, so casual and cool and above it all because she's more than a person; she's an idea. And Jack Hawksmoor who runs around barefoot kicking people's spines out of their bodies because he's some kind avatar of urban landscapes, strengthened by dirty alleys and massive freeways and corner delis and fucked up sewer systems? And The Engineer who's mostly nanotechnology but retains more of her humanity than any of the others (mostly because half of the others are barely human)? And The Doctor who channels the power and utilizes the knowledge of every Doctor who came before him, every shaman who mastered the magic of Earth and who's always fucked up on some psychedelic because he can't help it, being too in tune with nature? And that's it! That's all of the members of The Authority! There aren't any more that I love!
After Regis is dead, The Doctor takes care of the alien base in Italy. He does this by putting Italy on a timeout while the rest of the Earth keeps on orbiting the sun. Everybody in Italy dies a frozen popsicle after everything inside them bursts. Jenny tells Sliding Earth that they can have a second chance now that the alien regime is gone. She didn't destroy the rape camps in China or clear out the bacterial infection from every single piece of land in the world. I think she's a little bit pissed off at the whole place right now. She'll come back if Mark Millar runs out of ideas during his run on this series.
The Engineer freaks out a little bit about how much power they have to manipulate an entire world. But everybody else is all, "This is what we do! We make things better! Not everything. Just some things. Like killing Regis and destroying Italy. What will that do in the huge scheme of things on a planet where aliens and alien hybrids still run rampant doing whatever they want to the human populace? Who knows! We didn't even touch the rape camp that is China. Why should we? They weren't trying to invade our Earth and nobody asked us if we would! Not our problem. I mean, it's kind of our problem since we declared we're going to make Earth a better place. But it's not like we said 'every Earth!' And we certainly didn't say Sliding Earth! Fuck this place. We're going home. Have your existential crisis there, Angie!"
The Authority #8 Rating: A. The Authority are meant to be a bad-ass team with loads of cool and somehow Warren Ellis got that pretty much right without it feeling likes he's trying too hard. Yes, he does try too hard at times. But it's forgivable because how can you not love Midnighter and Apollo being all sweet on each other one moment and destroying the fuck out of anybody they look at the next? How can you not love Jenny Sparks, so casual and cool and above it all because she's more than a person; she's an idea. And Jack Hawksmoor who runs around barefoot kicking people's spines out of their bodies because he's some kind avatar of urban landscapes, strengthened by dirty alleys and massive freeways and corner delis and fucked up sewer systems? And The Engineer who's mostly nanotechnology but retains more of her humanity than any of the others (mostly because half of the others are barely human)? And The Doctor who channels the power and utilizes the knowledge of every Doctor who came before him, every shaman who mastered the magic of Earth and who's always fucked up on some psychedelic because he can't help it, being too in tune with nature? And that's it! That's all of the members of The Authority! There aren't any more that I love!
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