If I ever see Warp out of his costume, I'm going to have nightmares about it until I die.
Characters whose costumes make their necks look impossible terrify me. Like Black Manta. And I guess Warp as seen here although Warp could be using his warp technology to make his face appear at the other end of that Dune Sandworm collar he's wearing. This being terrified of neck dysmorphia stems from being a small child flipping through a copy of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and seeing that one Tenniel illustration depicting Alice after she's eaten a bit of the "Eat Me" cake.
I used to flip quickly through the book to get a glimpse of this image and scare the shit out of myself. On purpose.
Maybe this is why I can't stand The Elongated Man! That fucker can't spend ten minutes without stretching his neck out to ridiculous lengths.
Last issue, we learned that Sue Dibny wants to fuck the ruler of Modora, Sonar. We also learned Ralph Dibny wants to fuck mysteries more than he wants to fuck Sue. How is this the strongest marriage in the DC Universe? I mean before Sue was murdered by Brad Meltzer. Maybe Elongated Man constantly has his dick inside Sue and that's what really turns them on. How, you're asking? Please. The easiest trick in the book! He just stretches his penis down to near microscopic levels from his pant leg to Sue's hoo-hoo. Then he expands it as big as Sue wants! And there's no fear of somebody accidentally snapping it by tripping on it or something because Elongated Man is indestructible, right?
Ralph and Sue have traveled to Modora after being invited by Archduke Bito (who is also Sonar). They had been invited to some European Union summit in Paris for some reason and discovered that ambassadors were being targeted for assassination. Ralph thought that they should stick with the European Union Tour of '92 so they could attempt to catch the culprit but Sue, after being continuously hot-breathed by Sonar at the meeting where an ambassador was killed, realized he was probably the culprit. She convinced Ralph they should go to Modora to investigate and maybe have sex with its leader, if there's time.
Archduke Bito gives the Dibneys a short tour of the idyllic country life married to technologies of the 21st Century. It's such a utopian setting that Ralph can't help thinking Archduke Bito is up to no good. Also Sue wants to fuck him so obviously he doesn't trust the son of a sheepdog.
Last issue, we learned that Sue Dibny wants to fuck the ruler of Modora, Sonar. We also learned Ralph Dibny wants to fuck mysteries more than he wants to fuck Sue. How is this the strongest marriage in the DC Universe? I mean before Sue was murdered by Brad Meltzer. Maybe Elongated Man constantly has his dick inside Sue and that's what really turns them on. How, you're asking? Please. The easiest trick in the book! He just stretches his penis down to near microscopic levels from his pant leg to Sue's hoo-hoo. Then he expands it as big as Sue wants! And there's no fear of somebody accidentally snapping it by tripping on it or something because Elongated Man is indestructible, right?
Ralph and Sue have traveled to Modora after being invited by Archduke Bito (who is also Sonar). They had been invited to some European Union summit in Paris for some reason and discovered that ambassadors were being targeted for assassination. Ralph thought that they should stick with the European Union Tour of '92 so they could attempt to catch the culprit but Sue, after being continuously hot-breathed by Sonar at the meeting where an ambassador was killed, realized he was probably the culprit. She convinced Ralph they should go to Modora to investigate and maybe have sex with its leader, if there's time.
Archduke Bito gives the Dibneys a short tour of the idyllic country life married to technologies of the 21st Century. It's such a utopian setting that Ralph can't help thinking Archduke Bito is up to no good. Also Sue wants to fuck him so obviously he doesn't trust the son of a sheepdog.
She's so fucking repulsed by him!
Archduke Bito probably blows his supervillain reveal too early in this mini-series for Sue to accidentally fuck him. Which is probably why she's so horny for Captain Atom later. I like to think she eventually did fuck Captain Atom but that means she would have had to beat out Catherine Cobert in the dash to his dick. Sure, he could have fucked them both, but Cap seemed way too awkward to pull that off. I'm sure he just fucked one of them one single time and then blustered his way out of the laundry room swearing to avoid all contact with them until he died and/or became Monarch and/or didn't become Monarch because DC editorial are cowards but he had already been written out of everything because he was supposed to be Monarch which is why he ended up in that fucking terrible Armageddon: The Alien Agenda. My main point is that Captain Atom probably fucked Sue and Catherine, probably at different times.
I just realized something. Does the plot of this mini-series have nothing to do with Sue's high horniness levels?! Fuck. Have I just let my male gaze run rampant all over my critique of this story?! Shit shit shit. Um, okay, forget about Sue's swollen vulva and Ralph's fat and also microscopically thin hog! It's time to get serious about political intrigue and the formation of the European Union which the British never really took to heart which is why they up and fucked themselves about thirty years later.
Ralph finally realizes why he finds Archduke Bito so familiar: he's Sonar, an old Green Lantern foe! But Sue is all, "Sonar's in jail, you jealous idiot. It can't be him."
I just realized something. Does the plot of this mini-series have nothing to do with Sue's high horniness levels?! Fuck. Have I just let my male gaze run rampant all over my critique of this story?! Shit shit shit. Um, okay, forget about Sue's swollen vulva and Ralph's fat and also microscopically thin hog! It's time to get serious about political intrigue and the formation of the European Union which the British never really took to heart which is why they up and fucked themselves about thirty years later.
Ralph finally realizes why he finds Archduke Bito so familiar: he's Sonar, an old Green Lantern foe! But Sue is all, "Sonar's in jail, you jealous idiot. It can't be him."
Goddammit, Sue! I'm trying to move away from the "Sue's displaying legendary volumes of horniness on main" thesis statement!
It's possible Sue and Ralph discussed all of this "Bito is Sonar" stuff in the shitter on the plane into Modora so they know they're being eavesdropped on everywhere (except in the shitter of the plane because, ew, gross). So they're making as big a display as possible of their marriage in sexual shambles and Sue basically rubbing one out every time Bito's name is mentioned.
I'm sorry! I'd love to drop all the "Sue wants to fuck Bito" shit but I think it's integral to catching the baddie!
While Sue gets changed for dinner with Bito, Ralph stretches himself throughout the building's vents to spy on Bito. Seems a bit gay when your hot wife is sexily undressing in the next room! I don't know if women undress sexily because any time a woman undresses to me, it's fucking sexy. Except if it's because she just fell in a vat of sewage and is throwing up all over the place as she tears off her shit-matted clothes. That's only slightly sexy. But she'd probably appreciate me running in with a hose and, oh boy, now it's getting very sexy!
Ralph discovers Bito has been setting eavesdropping equipment all over the European Unity Tour's various locations. He then discovers Sonar's costume to put the nail in the mystery's coffin. But then he trigger's a trap and is killed by a blast of sonic noise. Ralph's lower half is still in his apartment though so that's going to be a gross little discovery for Sue.
Do you think Ralph's shits are normal? I'm not thinking about Ralph's shits because I like to think about another man's shits. I was just thinking, "Don't you shit when you die?" Then I was picturing Sue coming out of the bathroom putting on her last earring and discovering the unmoving lower half of her husband with massive ropes of shit streaming out of his boxers and his upper torso hanging out of the window. Then she'd probably yell, "Yahoo! Bito's dick, here I come! And come! And come! Oh mama!"
I can only picture sexual situations as Looney Tunes cartoons.
I'm sorry! I'd love to drop all the "Sue wants to fuck Bito" shit but I think it's integral to catching the baddie!
While Sue gets changed for dinner with Bito, Ralph stretches himself throughout the building's vents to spy on Bito. Seems a bit gay when your hot wife is sexily undressing in the next room! I don't know if women undress sexily because any time a woman undresses to me, it's fucking sexy. Except if it's because she just fell in a vat of sewage and is throwing up all over the place as she tears off her shit-matted clothes. That's only slightly sexy. But she'd probably appreciate me running in with a hose and, oh boy, now it's getting very sexy!
Ralph discovers Bito has been setting eavesdropping equipment all over the European Unity Tour's various locations. He then discovers Sonar's costume to put the nail in the mystery's coffin. But then he trigger's a trap and is killed by a blast of sonic noise. Ralph's lower half is still in his apartment though so that's going to be a gross little discovery for Sue.
Do you think Ralph's shits are normal? I'm not thinking about Ralph's shits because I like to think about another man's shits. I was just thinking, "Don't you shit when you die?" Then I was picturing Sue coming out of the bathroom putting on her last earring and discovering the unmoving lower half of her husband with massive ropes of shit streaming out of his boxers and his upper torso hanging out of the window. Then she'd probably yell, "Yahoo! Bito's dick, here I come! And come! And come! Oh mama!"
I can only picture sexual situations as Looney Tunes cartoons.
How can you ever again get wet for a man whose body you've seen do this?
At dinner, Bito admits that Modora suffers from the shame of Sonar, one of Bito's relatives who stole his name. Bito keeps the costume in his bedroom as a reminder. Also Sonar stole all of their sonic technology. Sue nods her head and says, "Yes, yes! That all makes perfect sense. Excuse me while I mop my pussy with one of these expensive napkins."
After dinner, Ralph catches a report from Italy that some villain named Calamari has disrupted the European Unity conference in Rome. He begins packing while Sue does not begin packing at all. She refuses to go with him. She doesn't say it's because he's constantly stretching his neck to fifty meters and twitching his nose like a rabbit finishing up a gram of cocaine but we all know those are two of the biggest reasons. She does sort of admit she's embarrassed by him so I guess that covers what I mentioned.
After dinner, Ralph catches a report from Italy that some villain named Calamari has disrupted the European Unity conference in Rome. He begins packing while Sue does not begin packing at all. She refuses to go with him. She doesn't say it's because he's constantly stretching his neck to fifty meters and twitching his nose like a rabbit finishing up a gram of cocaine but we all know those are two of the biggest reasons. She does sort of admit she's embarrassed by him so I guess that covers what I mentioned.
Is that "amazing technology" bit a threat about how she's about to use Sonar's vibrational sound machine?!
Ralph and Sue are hamming it up a bit too much in that last page for anybody to believe they're being serious. I mean anybody who doesn't actually think they're about to fuck Sue Dibny. If I were Bito and listening in on this, I'd probably have to change my underpants before Sue arrived in the library. And quickly make up an excuse about how the Linden Trees outside the window are currently in bloom.
Ralph travels to Italy without Sue while Sue "investigates" Bito. Ralph still seems to think the culprit might be the American ambassador because he's basically against the European Union and, you know, he's American. For some reason, he doesn't suspect the Italian Ambassador, Trampolina.
Ralph travels to Italy without Sue while Sue "investigates" Bito. Ralph still seems to think the culprit might be the American ambassador because he's basically against the European Union and, you know, he's American. For some reason, he doesn't suspect the Italian Ambassador, Trampolina.
Sue Dibny who?
I have, from time to time, been known to say ACAB. But Trampolina in a sexy cop costume obviously doesn't count. She's the only good cop.
Sue winds up shopping a bunch and mooning over her husband who left her to fend for herself while Ralph winds up walking through dark alleys alone missing Sue. But Sue doesn't get attacked by Copperhead, Calamari, and Warp on the final page of the comic book. And Sue doesn't appreciate the appearance of The Flash just as she's about to be killed by the three aforementioned villains.
Elongated Man: Europe '92 #2 Rating: A. It's weird how much I'm enjoying a comic book about Ralph and Sue not getting along on their European vacation because Sue wants to get dicked 24/7 and Ralph doesn't want to do any dicking. Maybe being all rubbery causes a loss of testosterone? Or maybe there's another reason I just can't put my finger on.
Sue winds up shopping a bunch and mooning over her husband who left her to fend for herself while Ralph winds up walking through dark alleys alone missing Sue. But Sue doesn't get attacked by Copperhead, Calamari, and Warp on the final page of the comic book. And Sue doesn't appreciate the appearance of The Flash just as she's about to be killed by the three aforementioned villains.
Elongated Man: Europe '92 #2 Rating: A. It's weird how much I'm enjoying a comic book about Ralph and Sue not getting along on their European vacation because Sue wants to get dicked 24/7 and Ralph doesn't want to do any dicking. Maybe being all rubbery causes a loss of testosterone? Or maybe there's another reason I just can't put my finger on.
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