From Copperhead's Who's Who entry: "Weaknesses: nausea inducing carnival rides."
If Elongated Man accidentally kills Copperhead this issue, the Italian courts will not find him guilty because his defense is "My wife is off fucking an Archduke." In Italy, if your spouse fucks a royal from any country, you're allowed one free murder (two if they're small). The Flash, on the other hand, isn't allowed any free murders so punching a guy in the face while running at superspeed is a huge risk.
Wait, Ralph. Why? Does Wally West hate Italians?!
I would think, statistically, The Flash would be the guy you'd most expect to bump into anywhere in the world. Being he's practically the only one who can be anywhere at anytime for any reason and not because he's such a huge fan of traveling abroad and learning about other cultures. Does The Flash need a passport or am I just asking ridiculous questions now? Obviously, he's a masked vigilante! Certain laws can never apply to you if nobody knows who you really are. Like, um, most of them, I guess! Shit. Are superheroes the baddies?
I didn't know Wally West was gay.
I don't think Wally is gay because he'd rather be at somebody else's wedding. Not even gay people probably love that. I think he's gay because he has such a close relationship with his mother that he wants to help her get in her dress! Weird. Maybe I shouldn't have said gay; maybe what I meant was incestuous.
Wally informs Ralph that he's here in Italy because Sue called him. Sue must have seen some news footage of Trampolina with Ralph in the background sticking both of his eyeballs out about five feet and screaming, "Ayoooogah!", while clapping his hands which he stretched to look like seal fins.
Things I have learned from this mini-series: Wally West is from Nebraska. Ralph Dibny is from Nebraska. Sue Dibny's private parts are constantly steaming hot and throbbing.
Wally informs Ralph that he's here in Italy because Sue called him. Sue must have seen some news footage of Trampolina with Ralph in the background sticking both of his eyeballs out about five feet and screaming, "Ayoooogah!", while clapping his hands which he stretched to look like seal fins.
Things I have learned from this mini-series: Wally West is from Nebraska. Ralph Dibny is from Nebraska. Sue Dibny's private parts are constantly steaming hot and throbbing.
Who would have ever thought I'd be nostalgic for a time when Europe was trying to form a peaceful coalition of countries working together instead of everybody being right wing fucking bastards who just want to split and divide and act like assholes.
I was probably paying so little attention to European politics in 1992 that I barely understood what was going on in this comic book. In winter of 1992, I was probably most concerned with how to ditch the woman who took my virginity because I wanted to sit in my basement and play Apple IIe games and she wanted to, you know, do stuff. And I don't just mean sex stuff! I mean like go out to eat. Or go to the boardwalk. Or hang out with friends! She was so needy with all of her normal person, mundane desires!
I can't believe she wanted to fuck me! Such a loser! I mean me, not her!
Oh wait. I got the dates wrong. That was 1991 when I was trying to ditch her! In '92, I was trying to ditch the woman who began fucking me while I was sleeping! Although she was pretty easy to ditch because she knew what she had done!
I was just re-watching Peep Show recently and had forgotten that Mark had the same thing happen to him! But he felt a bit weirder about it because he was dreaming about his mother when he woke up to being fucked. I don't remember what I was dreaming. Probably something about me being at a party and shoving my dick in the oysters.
Ralph questions Calamari who reveals that somebody calling themselves the "Friend of Eurocrime" sent out some messages about how Europe will be harder to do crimes in if the Union happens. So all the criminals who are as dumb as the average conservative American who fell for that shit and began attacking the conferences and ambassadors to get them to stop. But Calamari decides to quit because he didn't realize he'd have to battle The Flash!
Meanwhile in Modora, Sue makes an excuse so she doesn't have to get to know Bito any better over wine and a nice cozy fire. It seems he's not as charming as he thought he was. So now he just has to eavesdrop on her all night. What a creep.
Wally West gives Ralph some last minute advice before running back to Nebraska to catch his mother's wedding.
I can't believe she wanted to fuck me! Such a loser! I mean me, not her!
Oh wait. I got the dates wrong. That was 1991 when I was trying to ditch her! In '92, I was trying to ditch the woman who began fucking me while I was sleeping! Although she was pretty easy to ditch because she knew what she had done!
I was just re-watching Peep Show recently and had forgotten that Mark had the same thing happen to him! But he felt a bit weirder about it because he was dreaming about his mother when he woke up to being fucked. I don't remember what I was dreaming. Probably something about me being at a party and shoving my dick in the oysters.
Ralph questions Calamari who reveals that somebody calling themselves the "Friend of Eurocrime" sent out some messages about how Europe will be harder to do crimes in if the Union happens. So all the criminals who are as dumb as the average conservative American who fell for that shit and began attacking the conferences and ambassadors to get them to stop. But Calamari decides to quit because he didn't realize he'd have to battle The Flash!
Meanwhile in Modora, Sue makes an excuse so she doesn't have to get to know Bito any better over wine and a nice cozy fire. It seems he's not as charming as he thought he was. So now he just has to eavesdrop on her all night. What a creep.
Wally West gives Ralph some last minute advice before running back to Nebraska to catch his mother's wedding.
The Pied Piper knows what's up. I'm surprised Wally listened to him.
Ralph already suspected the American ambassador because he's a huge chud. But he was so eager to blame everything on the guy Sue is hot for that he didn't trust his feelings. Sure, we all know his jealous feelings are the feelings pointing toward the correct leader of these assassination attempts. But it wouldn't be a mystery without a number of suspects! And, what do I know? Maybe it is the American chud! I've never been good at solving mysteries even though I read loads of Alfred Hitchcock books and magazines as a kid!
Sue's beginning to long for Ralph to be by her side as the shine begins wearing off of Bito's archdukiness and his good manners and his charming personality and his deep, deep pockets. But it doesn't last long before she's hopped up and ready to hop some other man.
Sue's beginning to long for Ralph to be by her side as the shine begins wearing off of Bito's archdukiness and his good manners and his charming personality and his deep, deep pockets. But it doesn't last long before she's hopped up and ready to hop some other man.
Oooh! Stanford! A fancy lad!
I know Sue is just being friendly. I'm not one of those guys who thinks just because a woman is nice to me it means she's interested. Hell, a woman can practically put her hand down the front of the pants and I wouldn't think she's interested! I mean, I'd figure it out pretty quickly in that case. But mostly I'm pretty fucking blind to it.
Sue fishes about for some information about Modora from this young engineer working at the Institute of Loud Sounds. But he quickly realizes he's going to get himself in trouble, what with all of the technology in the place being built around sound probably meaning everything has a microphone in it. Which it does. He takes off before he reveals something that might make Sonar disappear him.
Sue fishes about for some information about Modora from this young engineer working at the Institute of Loud Sounds. But he quickly realizes he's going to get himself in trouble, what with all of the technology in the place being built around sound probably meaning everything has a microphone in it. Which it does. He takes off before he reveals something that might make Sonar disappear him.
"Away" is bolded because Sue usually seduces them.
Seduce is a synonym for fuck a person's brains out. I figured over half of America are illiterate dullards so I should explain the easy (although less easy than other) words.
Bito learns that all of the shitty European super villains are giving up on the plan because they're afraid to battle Elongated Man. Did I say they were shitty? I meant super duper shitty. Imagine being afraid of Elongated Man?! What the fuck? This must be Gerard Jones' way of taking the piss out of Europe. All they can muster are stereotypical villains like Lutefisk from Denmark and Toad-in-the-Hole from Britain and L'Escargot from France and Calamari from Italy. The only villains willing to keep on going are the German villains. They're probably going to be based on Sausages and Genocide.
The next conference is in Berlin so we'll find out soon enough!
Yeah, yeah. I know I kept saying the first conference was in Berlin back in Issue #1. But I was being purposefully stupid! Duh! I'm an American! I didn't recognize the Eifel Tower and the French language and the long breads!
Ralph continues to investigate at the Berlin conference but he really mostly just spends time with his head interviewing Trampolina and his lower half probably in a bathroom somewhere tugging one out.
Bito learns that all of the shitty European super villains are giving up on the plan because they're afraid to battle Elongated Man. Did I say they were shitty? I meant super duper shitty. Imagine being afraid of Elongated Man?! What the fuck? This must be Gerard Jones' way of taking the piss out of Europe. All they can muster are stereotypical villains like Lutefisk from Denmark and Toad-in-the-Hole from Britain and L'Escargot from France and Calamari from Italy. The only villains willing to keep on going are the German villains. They're probably going to be based on Sausages and Genocide.
The next conference is in Berlin so we'll find out soon enough!
Yeah, yeah. I know I kept saying the first conference was in Berlin back in Issue #1. But I was being purposefully stupid! Duh! I'm an American! I didn't recognize the Eifel Tower and the French language and the long breads!
Ralph continues to investigate at the Berlin conference but he really mostly just spends time with his head interviewing Trampolina and his lower half probably in a bathroom somewhere tugging one out.
That's it. I'm now a member of the Pink Party.
Ralph drags himself away from Trampolina when he sees the French Ambassador arguing with the German Ambassador, mostly because the American Ambassador was pushing their buttons. The English Ambassador whines about the entire party and marches off to find some cucumber sandwiches. That's when the Sausage Brothers, um, attack?
Whatever is happening here just caused me to make currywurst in my pants.
It's understandable that one of the Sausage Brothers has a gigantic uncircumcised boner. Trampolina's flippin' hot.
It's weird to describe a penis as "an uncircumcised penis," right? That's just a fucking penis. I should only point out if it's been circumcised. Saying "uncircumcised" is like using a double negative.
The German gang of sausage men call themselves the Wurstwaffe. They manage to subdue all of the Ambassadors and then begin sneaking up on Ralph as he contemplates the mystery of the mysterious assassins. Meanwhile in Modora, Sue has caused a bit of trouble by investigating too much and she's being arrested by the Modoran army.
Yes, "arrested" just meant "arrested" and not "consensually fucked by." Sue's not just a sex object for your prurient thoughts! Get your head out of the gutter! Sue's an intelligent woman with a great personality and, in a few more years, footprints in her brain! So stop being so crass!
Elongated Man: Europe '92 #3 Rating: A. Why is this stupid comic book so entertaining? I think because it's so stupid! It's just fun and I'm always saying after I say a lot of nonsense and vulgar words, "Comic books should be fun!" You might not remember me saying that recently but I'm pretty sure I said something like that back when I was reading The New 52's Demon Knights or All Star Western! Oh, and Gotham Academy! And Batgirl when she was living in that gentrified hipster part of Gotham! Fun comics are so much fun!
It's weird to describe a penis as "an uncircumcised penis," right? That's just a fucking penis. I should only point out if it's been circumcised. Saying "uncircumcised" is like using a double negative.
The German gang of sausage men call themselves the Wurstwaffe. They manage to subdue all of the Ambassadors and then begin sneaking up on Ralph as he contemplates the mystery of the mysterious assassins. Meanwhile in Modora, Sue has caused a bit of trouble by investigating too much and she's being arrested by the Modoran army.
Yes, "arrested" just meant "arrested" and not "consensually fucked by." Sue's not just a sex object for your prurient thoughts! Get your head out of the gutter! Sue's an intelligent woman with a great personality and, in a few more years, footprints in her brain! So stop being so crass!
Elongated Man: Europe '92 #3 Rating: A. Why is this stupid comic book so entertaining? I think because it's so stupid! It's just fun and I'm always saying after I say a lot of nonsense and vulgar words, "Comic books should be fun!" You might not remember me saying that recently but I'm pretty sure I said something like that back when I was reading The New 52's Demon Knights or All Star Western! Oh, and Gotham Academy! And Batgirl when she was living in that gentrified hipster part of Gotham! Fun comics are so much fun!
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