Remember, The Engineer is completely nude. So this is technically hentai.
Bryan Hitch cropped this cover where he did because of freaks like me. "Yeah, I bet you want to know what's happening beneath the lower edge, don't you, you sicko?" he certainly said out loud as he was drawing this. "Look at the way the miniscule tip of that lower tentacle caresses The Engineer's belly button, as if seeking a nice, juicy orifice to explore." At this point, overcome by his own taunts, he probably pulled his dick out and continued to speak: "Look at her grimace. Is that pain? Pleasure? The middle of an intense orgasm? Being that this is 1999, I can ask those questions without first having to be burdened by the question of consent on a fictional comic book cover." I bet after he sent this image to Warren Ellis, Ellis replied, "Send me the rest of the image beneath the lower boundary ASAP you absolute filth mucker."
Personally I don't actually like cartoons with tentacle sex. Not because it's usually octopus rape because that's not really a thing so I don't get angry about things that aren't real things. I just can't help smelling fish while I watch it. And having to gag every few strokes really makes me lose interest in my masturbating.
TMI yourself!
The issue begins with the space eggs crashing into Japan. If I were an intelligent reviewer of comic books who could explicate the themes and deeper meanings inherent in plots, then I'd probably discuss things like the negative birthrate in Japan and how this entire invasion is emblematic of, well, I don't know! I said "if I were an intelligent reviewer"! But since I'm just a dumb asshole who writes down my thoughts as I read the comic when I should be reading the entire thing before forming an opinion, this is the kind of thing I usually write:
Personally I don't actually like cartoons with tentacle sex. Not because it's usually octopus rape because that's not really a thing so I don't get angry about things that aren't real things. I just can't help smelling fish while I watch it. And having to gag every few strokes really makes me lose interest in my masturbating.
TMI yourself!
The issue begins with the space eggs crashing into Japan. If I were an intelligent reviewer of comic books who could explicate the themes and deeper meanings inherent in plots, then I'd probably discuss things like the negative birthrate in Japan and how this entire invasion is emblematic of, well, I don't know! I said "if I were an intelligent reviewer"! But since I'm just a dumb asshole who writes down my thoughts as I read the comic when I should be reading the entire thing before forming an opinion, this is the kind of thing I usually write:
World War II if Fat Man had been turds and Little Boy had been pickles.
I blame the pickles for making me think of Bronies just now [Pickle : Pickle Rick : Rick and Morty : Szechuan Sauce : My Little Pony McDonald toys : Bronies] but since they're in my head, let me just say this about them: they want to be known for battling against gendered toys, which is a good thing, but we shouldn't let them claim that ideological space. Where were they for all the rest of time and space when shit was being gendered left and right? Where have they been since? Probably at a convention fucking each other with horse heads on (which, again, is a good thing. I'm just non-judgmentally speculating where they might be right now!). What they were really angry about was having to order food in public and then answer the questions, "Boy's toy or Girl's toy." And they fucking wanted that girl's toy. But they didn't want to have to say it. I'm sure some were fine with it! But the majority strike me as the kind of person who sings a song at karaoke by a singer of the opposite gender and then switches all the pronouns as they sing. So bourgeois!
On a tangential note, I'd probably fuck a pony. But it would have to have great tits and an ass that doesn't quit. Or I would just need a blindfold with a pony drawn on the inside while whoever or whatever eats my dick. I'm not picky!
Your mom is TMI!
Apollo and Midnighter arrive in Japan as the turds are falling.
On a tangential note, I'd probably fuck a pony. But it would have to have great tits and an ass that doesn't quit. Or I would just need a blindfold with a pony drawn on the inside while whoever or whatever eats my dick. I'm not picky!
Your mom is TMI!
Apollo and Midnighter arrive in Japan as the turds are falling.
I don't want to know what a regular night out is like for these two if giant turds falling from the sky is normal.
They haven't actually seen the pickle turds yet having just arrived at street level where they don't close the Door immediately so I'm assuming a Japanese taxi crashes through The Carrier a few seconds from now.
Midnighter notices the falling pickle turds from the ground but Apollo has to fly up to get a closer look. He notices each turd has dozens of little windows on it. And inside each window, a little xenomorph homunculi. Aw! It's exactly like how humans conceive!
I learned about sex from the Atari 2600 game, Custer's Revenge.
Midnighter notices the falling pickle turds from the ground but Apollo has to fly up to get a closer look. He notices each turd has dozens of little windows on it. And inside each window, a little xenomorph homunculi. Aw! It's exactly like how humans conceive!
I learned about sex from the Atari 2600 game, Custer's Revenge.
Apollo tries to save the day by performing multiple sky abortions.
Hey, while I'm over here busily getting the concept of abortion wrong, I should quickly state that every anti-abortion piece of shit who still thinks eating a chicken egg is an abortion should simply shut the fuck up until the end of time. Or at least until they do a little research. And I mean research in the fucking library or with somebody who actually knows shit. Not research via their absolutely fucked-up YouTube algorithm.
Now instead of giant turd-pickles raining down on Tokyo, giant flaming turd-pickles are raining down on Tokyo.
Now instead of giant turd-pickles raining down on Tokyo, giant flaming turd-pickles are raining down on Tokyo.
No, wait. Giant flaming turd-pickles and hundreds of xenomorph homunculi!
Just make a tally for yet another city on Earth completely destroyed by some kind of invasion! The Authority seem to be exactly like Earth cops. They don't actually stop death and destruction and crime from happening. They just beat the shit out of anybody they think was responsible for it.
Midnighter agrees with Apollo about belaying his last order that The Authority send back-up. But not because they've defeated the alien sperms and eggs. He orders them to seal off Japan because things have gone so sideways. Midnighter, who can calculate every possibility in battle, has just calculated that Japan is fucked. Or should I say royally bukkaked? Just sperm everywhere, man. It's like an explosion in a Cinnabun. Every single person is now caked with writhing alien DNA. I don't know if I'm disgusted or aroused.
Jack Hawksmoor arrives to help out because Jenny Sparks doesn't respect Midnighter's opinion. I don't know what Jack is going to do. How do you kick the spine out of a sperm?
Jenny, Swift, and The Engineer Door into Central Africa to investigate the cosmic jizz that landed there. It's turned the surface and the atmosphere poisonous, meaning Jenny and Swift have to return to The Carrier. But The Engineer grows some extra lungs to compensate. I didn't know she could do that! So sexy! Not the extra lungs! But the idea that she could grow extra body parts! You know which body parts I'm thinking about! The good ones!
Midnighter agrees with Apollo about belaying his last order that The Authority send back-up. But not because they've defeated the alien sperms and eggs. He orders them to seal off Japan because things have gone so sideways. Midnighter, who can calculate every possibility in battle, has just calculated that Japan is fucked. Or should I say royally bukkaked? Just sperm everywhere, man. It's like an explosion in a Cinnabun. Every single person is now caked with writhing alien DNA. I don't know if I'm disgusted or aroused.
Jack Hawksmoor arrives to help out because Jenny Sparks doesn't respect Midnighter's opinion. I don't know what Jack is going to do. How do you kick the spine out of a sperm?
Jenny, Swift, and The Engineer Door into Central Africa to investigate the cosmic jizz that landed there. It's turned the surface and the atmosphere poisonous, meaning Jenny and Swift have to return to The Carrier. But The Engineer grows some extra lungs to compensate. I didn't know she could do that! So sexy! Not the extra lungs! But the idea that she could grow extra body parts! You know which body parts I'm thinking about! The good ones!
Well, well, well. The smartest person in the comic uses the word "turd" too! I'm too hard on myself!
I wrote "I'm too hard on myself" after writing about The Engineer growing more buttholes and now, well, I don't have to tell you! Legally, I think I can't tell you!
The Engineer (whom I keep wanting to call Angie but then I think, "I don't call her Angie enough. Will it be confusing? I'll stick with The Engineer!") finds the creature that was birthed when the cosmic sperm impregnated Africa. While she confronts it by herself, Swift announces that the sperm and eggs in Japan came from the moon. So the new plan is to send Apollo to the moon to burn it with fire while everybody else kicks back on The Carrier. Except Angie, of course, because she's fight-fucking the tentacled thing.
The Doctor remains inside his Mushroom Induced Magic Space learning all he can from the past Doctors. These Doctors tell him ridiculously stupid things.
The Engineer (whom I keep wanting to call Angie but then I think, "I don't call her Angie enough. Will it be confusing? I'll stick with The Engineer!") finds the creature that was birthed when the cosmic sperm impregnated Africa. While she confronts it by herself, Swift announces that the sperm and eggs in Japan came from the moon. So the new plan is to send Apollo to the moon to burn it with fire while everybody else kicks back on The Carrier. Except Angie, of course, because she's fight-fucking the tentacled thing.
The Doctor remains inside his Mushroom Induced Magic Space learning all he can from the past Doctors. These Doctors tell him ridiculously stupid things.
This is as embarrassing as Ray Comfort pointing out that a phallic banana is proof of God because look how he can hold and suck it.
The kind of faulty logic the old Doctor uses here is based on presupposing that mankind was inevitable in this solar system while only taking into account, as evidence, other objects in this particular solar system. But the truth of the matter is that life will only arise on a planet that's the perfect distance away from the star it's orbiting. Life is on Earth because Earth happens to be the right place for it. Earth wasn't made to support life; it just wound up in the perfect orbit to sustain life. If Earth had formed at the wrong place, life wouldn't have formed here to wonder how so many coincidences had to happen for life to form here. The real logic supposes that since life happened on Earth due to all the conditions being correct then life has happened all over the fucking universe whenever a planet accidentally formed at the exact right space. It's irrational to believe that something had to be behind to formation of the Earth simply because mankind eventually evolved there. We're here because life couldn't have formed anywhere else (aside from all the other infinite planets in the correct orbit around the correct star with large gas giants protecting it from constant bombardment and a magnetosphere and whatever else is needed that I can't think of off-hand).
Anyway, The Doctor learns these creatures sculpted Earth just so. But for themselves! But then the jizz shot off into space on a hundreds of millions of years elliptical orbit around our sun. While it was off looking for cosmic strange, a rogue planet collided with Earth which is how the moon was formed. You know that story! Well, guess what? The mother full of eggs waiting for the jizz to return with some cosmic cigarettes was in the material knocked off Earth that became the moon! So now that the jizz has returned, the eggs got super horny and flung themselves from the moon. It's just a big sexy sex tale (which I'd totally already guessed thanks to Bryan Hitch drawing all the aliens exactly like sperm and eggs).
Oh, also, when the moon was formed by the collision, Earth was knocked slightly out of orbit which is why algae and plants happened which is why an oxygen rich environment was created which is why life exploded. Life stole the Earth from the jizz and egg aliens! I still don't think they're particularly angry though. They just want a nice comfortable world to fuck on after all these millions of years of not fucking.
On December 30th, 1999, Apollo finishes sterilizing the Earth. Looks like they're going to get everything taken care of just in time for Jenny Sparks to be all, "Hey guys! It was fun! ACK!"
Anyway, The Doctor learns these creatures sculpted Earth just so. But for themselves! But then the jizz shot off into space on a hundreds of millions of years elliptical orbit around our sun. While it was off looking for cosmic strange, a rogue planet collided with Earth which is how the moon was formed. You know that story! Well, guess what? The mother full of eggs waiting for the jizz to return with some cosmic cigarettes was in the material knocked off Earth that became the moon! So now that the jizz has returned, the eggs got super horny and flung themselves from the moon. It's just a big sexy sex tale (which I'd totally already guessed thanks to Bryan Hitch drawing all the aliens exactly like sperm and eggs).
Oh, also, when the moon was formed by the collision, Earth was knocked slightly out of orbit which is why algae and plants happened which is why an oxygen rich environment was created which is why life exploded. Life stole the Earth from the jizz and egg aliens! I still don't think they're particularly angry though. They just want a nice comfortable world to fuck on after all these millions of years of not fucking.
On December 30th, 1999, Apollo finishes sterilizing the Earth. Looks like they're going to get everything taken care of just in time for Jenny Sparks to be all, "Hey guys! It was fun! ACK!"
An abortion reference from Angie as well as saying turd and butt too? Are we the same person?! Probably not since I don't have huge nipples and as many buttholes as I choose.
After killing the cosmic jizz, Angie decides to terraform Africa back to its natural state. But before she can begin, the ship the Australian First Nations guys saw coming out of the sun ominously arrives.
The Authority #10 Rating: A. Do you think the name The Authority has any relation to the Comics Code Authority? It has to be a bit of a thumbing his nose at them from Ellis, no? Sure, it could just be literal: here are a group of heroes that answer to nobody but themselves. But can't that be Ellis's point? "I'm writing a comic that knows no other authority, especially a two-bit, prudish, ancient bureaucracy that wasn't in touch with pop culture even when it was formed? A demon summoned into our existence by Frederic Wertham and other easily scared dorks? A demon that Ellis was exorcising as hard as he could by having the team battle a Yellow Peril villain straight out of the time Wertham would have been ranting, followed by an Alternate Universe Imperialist Britain (and the blue lizard people running it), and then introducing a dessert course of loads and loads of alien fuck imagery? Maybe it's just me.
The Authority #10 Rating: A. Do you think the name The Authority has any relation to the Comics Code Authority? It has to be a bit of a thumbing his nose at them from Ellis, no? Sure, it could just be literal: here are a group of heroes that answer to nobody but themselves. But can't that be Ellis's point? "I'm writing a comic that knows no other authority, especially a two-bit, prudish, ancient bureaucracy that wasn't in touch with pop culture even when it was formed? A demon summoned into our existence by Frederic Wertham and other easily scared dorks? A demon that Ellis was exorcising as hard as he could by having the team battle a Yellow Peril villain straight out of the time Wertham would have been ranting, followed by an Alternate Universe Imperialist Britain (and the blue lizard people running it), and then introducing a dessert course of loads and loads of alien fuck imagery? Maybe it's just me.
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