Generic cover? Generic comment.
I almost went with "Generic cover with tits" but then I thought, "There are only four tits on this cover which roughly half the population probably don't even think about when they look at this cover. The other half of the population has this thing called 'male gaze' (also 'lesbian gaze' but I think it's less salacious and disgusting (I mean, I hope it isn't. But guys are gross)) which makes the viewer's focal point the tits. If the shot was from behind and it was a bunch of asses being shown, we'd all be in the same boat because who, no matter the gender or sexuality, doesn't love looking at a nice ass?" I also thought that maybe I should stop sexualizing characters as often as I do but then I anti-thought, "Why can't I sexualize fictional characters who wear skin tight outfits and who were almost certainly drawn with their sexuality and attractiveness at the forefront of the artist's mind? I understand that's going to be a percentage on a continuum dependent on the artist, from Frank Cho to Becky Cloonan. I apologize to Becky Cloonan if she's actually been drawing characters to exude horn dog levels of hot pants but I really couldn't think of an artist that doesn't draw characters in a way I want to fuck them. Oh, maybe Frank Miller?!"
Last issue began with what I think were Jacob Krigstein's version of The X-men attacking New York City while other Krigstein-version of Marvel heroes were attacking Paris, Berlin, and Beijing as well. The Authority happened to be in New York City investigating the location of Krigstein's The Hanger which is why I know the heroes attacking there. I'm sure the Fantastic Four are attacking Paris and the Inhumans are attacking Berlin and the Avengers are attacking Beijing.
Last issue began with what I think were Jacob Krigstein's version of The X-men attacking New York City while other Krigstein-version of Marvel heroes were attacking Paris, Berlin, and Beijing as well. The Authority happened to be in New York City investigating the location of Krigstein's The Hanger which is why I know the heroes attacking there. I'm sure the Fantastic Four are attacking Paris and the Inhumans are attacking Berlin and the Avengers are attacking Beijing.
"Why am I so full of pudding?!"
I passed up scanning a picture of Swift looking like "Fuck Me Hard" Black Canary Barbie (you can see half of one tit!) just to scan Jack Hawksmoor as a good example of something I mentioned in a previous review: Frank Quitely draws people as if they've had subdermal pudding injections. Look at that squelchy motherfucker. LOOK AT HIM! He's even leaking pudding out of his pores!
Midnighter calls dibs on murdering every single alternate X-man so the other members of The Authority have to fuck off to other capitals to have their fun. They say Krigstein is attacking every nation's capital at once but I have a feeling he's only attacking the four I previously mentioned for two reasons: 1. those are the only cities being shown with portals opening in them last issue; 2. there are only five currently active members of The Authority (Apollo is pouting because he was almost kicked to death but he'll come around when he hears Commander Fascist and Storm Dog have come back out of hiding).
Midnighter calls dibs on murdering every single alternate X-man so the other members of The Authority have to fuck off to other capitals to have their fun. They say Krigstein is attacking every nation's capital at once but I have a feeling he's only attacking the four I previously mentioned for two reasons: 1. those are the only cities being shown with portals opening in them last issue; 2. there are only five currently active members of The Authority (Apollo is pouting because he was almost kicked to death but he'll come around when he hears Commander Fascist and Storm Dog have come back out of hiding).
See? Teenagers! They are the X-men.
Paris comes under attack not by the Fantastic Four, as I wrongly guessed (stop reminding me of my flaws, me), but Nick Fury and the Agents of SHIELD. The reasoning behind allowing Fury to destroy France is that Nick Fury is a super racist patriot who super hates the French for all the reasons people who hate the French would know about. Me, I don't know about any of them. What's wrong with the French?! They fucking stand up for the right and the liberty to sit around drinking coffee while philosophizing about the ennui of existence. And they fuck a lot because fucking makes them forget about the ennui of existence even though it reminds them of death because they call an orgasm "a little death" for some reason.
Okay now it just feels like Mark Millar decided to write comic books so he can have other characters espouse his terrible beliefs!
Jack Hawksmoor defends Paris by instructing Paris to consume Fury and his agents. Previously, Jack Hawksmoor just got his strength from cities and could "understand" them, feeling their pain and such. But now he's like the Aquaman of cities where he can give the cities instructions and they're all, "Right on it, Mr. Hawksmoor!" And since we all know Aquaman was fucking the sea life, I'm guessing Jack Hawksmoor loves to stick his dick into water taps and sewer grates (the water tap is the vagina; the sewer grate is the butthole).
Once Jack gives the order, Paris suddenly gains the ability to suck people into its concrete. Is that how the Paris catacombs were created? Are the catacombs the intestines of Paris?!
The Doctor defeats the team attacking Moscow off-panel but we do get to see the results of the fight.
Once Jack gives the order, Paris suddenly gains the ability to suck people into its concrete. Is that how the Paris catacombs were created? Are the catacombs the intestines of Paris?!
The Doctor defeats the team attacking Moscow off-panel but we do get to see the results of the fight.
The Inhumans? The Brotherhood of Evil? That deflated lady looks like both Medusa and Blob.
In Beijing, The Engineer must face off against the Fantastic Four with Silver Surfer and some gigantic guy with a burning pool cue. Angie deals with them by using them as guinea pigs for an experiment she's been working on: opening Door to alternate dimensions (sure, it already does that. But maybe she just wasn't any good at it until now). She teleports them to a world that's just big black men because that's the scariest thing she (read: Mark Millar) can think of? Be better, Angie. But also the population of that world have exterminated all white people so Krigstein's racist white supremacy heroes are in for a bit of an ass pounding (I mean that in the pugilist sense and not the rape sense, you sickos!).
The team has run out of heroes to protect places because obviously Swift can't be trusted to fly through more than one person before being all, "I'm a pacifist! I don't want to do this anymore!" That's when The Engineer realizes nobody has gone to Washington, DC. But Jack is all, "Oh, don't worry about that! That's where Commander Fascist and Storm Dog landed. Pretty sure they've already been Apolloed. Did you catch that? I used Apollo's name as a verb to indicate that they've been tortured relentlessly, probably de-limbed, and burnt to cinders as slowly as possible!"
The team has run out of heroes to protect places because obviously Swift can't be trusted to fly through more than one person before being all, "I'm a pacifist! I don't want to do this anymore!" That's when The Engineer realizes nobody has gone to Washington, DC. But Jack is all, "Oh, don't worry about that! That's where Commander Fascist and Storm Dog landed. Pretty sure they've already been Apolloed. Did you catch that? I used Apollo's name as a verb to indicate that they've been tortured relentlessly, probably de-limbed, and burnt to cinders as slowly as possible!"
Oh duh! Swift does have a job: one specific old-as-fuck man to fly her quite appealing ass through!
Krigstein shits himself when he sees Swift just stroll on into his hidden complex. Jenny Quantum simply smirks. Oh, and she also does a doody.
I just remembered I need to be on the look out for decapitations! I hadn't seen any by The Authority but had forgotten to look for civilian decapitations by the enemies. And I found some (by both the bad guys and Midnighter, just FYI)!
I just remembered I need to be on the look out for decapitations! I hadn't seen any by The Authority but had forgotten to look for civilian decapitations by the enemies. And I found some (by both the bad guys and Midnighter, just FYI)!
Midnigher only decapitates on X-men as far as I can tell before he has The Carrier target all of the rest save one, obliterating them all. The last one, a little Beast wannabe motherfucker, gets what we all expected he would get because Midnighter loves sharp weapons and close combat and, well, you know.
No not cock! I was thinking decapitations! But, I mean, sure, cock too.
Meanwhile in Washington, DC, Apollo incinerates every single one of Krigstein's army except for Storm Dog and Commander Fascist. He kills Storm Dog with one punch but goes easy on Commander Fascist, merely paralyzing him from the waist down, because after what he did to Apollo, Midnighter called dibs on giving Commander Fascist an ass pounding.
I meant that one in the rape sense and not the pugilist sense this time! The sicko!
Swift approaches Doctor Krigstein who cradles Jenny Quantum in his arms to prevent Swift from flying straight through him. He still believes he can win even though The Authority called up all of the other superheroes in the Wildstorm universe to help battle Krigstein's monsters. Swift assures him that he will not win, no matter how long he keeps it up and how much of the Earth's population is killed in the battle. Swift suggests he stops his attack and offers him an alternative to outright losing.
How dare you add Pokemon to that list? Kill him, Swift! Kill the blasphemer!
I'm assuming Doctor Krigstein joins the team because he's super old but he still doesn't want to die. Also it's a nice idea to have Jack Kirby on The Authority, right? I also suppose he calls off what's left of his superheroes and brings them back to The Hanger. Does this mean The Authority have access to an army of pseudo-Marvel characters?
The comic ends during another party on The Carrier so I guess the world's at peace once again. For a bit. The Engineer and Jack discuss the future while a dress shoe spies on them from around the corner. I mean a person in a dress shoe not the actual dress shoe. You understood that, right? Plus Midnighter receives a letter from Tank Man about how he's become a normal person with a family and he's happy.
The Authority #16 Rating: A+. Swift the pacifist does the thing that needs to be done more often and brokers peace through discussion. Sure, they hired a gross little old man to the team but he's got a lot of resources that come with him! Even though The Authority basically won through ultra-violence and one horrible case of pneumatic drill ass rape, Swift gave the ending a greater meaning. Finally some heroes so serious about changing the world that they hire a racist, fearmongering, baby-kidnapping, end-of-the-world prepper to help make it better instead of following their baser instincts and just murdering him out of vengeance and revenge. Commander Fascist, on the other hand, didn't fare so well. Shrug emoji.
The comic ends during another party on The Carrier so I guess the world's at peace once again. For a bit. The Engineer and Jack discuss the future while a dress shoe spies on them from around the corner. I mean a person in a dress shoe not the actual dress shoe. You understood that, right? Plus Midnighter receives a letter from Tank Man about how he's become a normal person with a family and he's happy.
The Authority #16 Rating: A+. Swift the pacifist does the thing that needs to be done more often and brokers peace through discussion. Sure, they hired a gross little old man to the team but he's got a lot of resources that come with him! Even though The Authority basically won through ultra-violence and one horrible case of pneumatic drill ass rape, Swift gave the ending a greater meaning. Finally some heroes so serious about changing the world that they hire a racist, fearmongering, baby-kidnapping, end-of-the-world prepper to help make it better instead of following their baser instincts and just murdering him out of vengeance and revenge. Commander Fascist, on the other hand, didn't fare so well. Shrug emoji.
One last decapitation: Doctor Doom Boobs. Decapitation Count for the comic: 5! Total for the series: 10!
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