Elongated Man: Europe '92 #1 (January 1992)

Sue would rather be getting dicked hard than stopping this snail guy from robbing a cotillion.

By the '90s, Elongated Man was never going to be a strong enough character to carry his own series. And we all know the only reason he got this mini-series was due to his wife, Sue. Sue's probably the only reason I picked it up. Oh, and it only cost $1.00. People would take a chance on more comic books when they were easily affordable. I could make $20.00 in one day of yard work around my block, buy fifteen comic books and still have enough to go see a movie with my friends or hang out at the mall for 5 hours straight or take the bus to Great America where I had a season pass that probably cost only $20.00 itself and which let us spend all summer there. People often talk about inflation as if everything evens out between wages and how much shit costs. But they're fucking wrong because kids used to be able to afford to do a ton of shit with not much cash because a dollar went further and also because they were fucking allowed to go places without parents and people didn't completely freak the fuck out. And we didn't have iPhone lifelines to each other. We just disappeared into the Santa Cruz mountains on our bikes on a Saturday morning and our parents didn't know if we were alive or dead until we got back in the evening. Or called from Santa Cruz hoping they'd come pick us up because we actually biked from Santa Clara to Santa Cruz and didn't want to have to ride back over the Santa Cruz mountains to get home. But then our parents were all, "You fucked up, man. That's on you. Figure it out." So we shrugged and hitched a ride back up the mountain in the back of some guy's pickup truck after a detour where he took us down this weird side road into the forest to show off the boxing ring in his sketchy youth camp. Eventually he took us back to the ridge and we rode back down into Cupertino where we stopped at Taco Bravo for dinner before heading back down Bascom and into Santa Clara where our parents were all, "So what did you guys do?" And we were all, "Oh, nothing. Just riding around."

You know how many times I almost died riding my BMX or 10-speed up the Santa Cruz mountains? Like, um, three times probably! Four if you figure that guy we hitched a ride from thought better of murdering us all!

Oh, I know another reason I might have picked up this comic book: Mike Parobeck's art! He did a run on Justice Society of America later that same year which I also picked up mostly because of the art and the cover price. I dig his animation style.

Based on all the clues in this opening splash page, I'm going to guess this takes place in Berlin.

Why is Elongated Man chasing down Copperhead in the streets of Berlin? I don't know! This comic book began "In Media Res" which means "in the middle res". I suppose if I were a superhero having a nice day out in Berlin and suddenly saw a person dressed as a giant man-snake and is a known American hit-man, I might feel compelled to stop him doing whatever hit-manning he might be doing.

Although Sue makes at least four pretty strong arguments about why I might just mind my own business.

Three of Sue's arguments are not those cops who can maybe take care of the local crime themselves. Her four strong arguments (as if I need to explain such obvious arguments that any man can plainly see with their own eyes) are her fashion sense, her speed, the cute shocked expressions she makes, and her vulva.

Sue saves Ralph's life by throwing her fancy hat at Copperhead who apparently has a fancy hat phobia because he freaks out as if a crocodile had just latched itself to his face. It only keeps him down for a few moments but that's enough time for Sue's three non-arguments to catch up and arrest him.

The appearance of Warp interrupts Ralph who was probably about to finish, "Gay Park, Berlin, Germany."

Warp teleports Copperhead away from the cops. But now Elongated Man's nose begins twitching and Sue's vulva unswells because she knows there won't be any more fucking on this vacation. Ralph Dibny has a bigger boner for mysteries than he has for Sue's underpants. I guess he solved that mystery years ago and there's simply no allure for him anymore. Oh! I think I just solved the mystery of why they're in Gay Park, Berlin!

Sue reminds Ralph that they don't have time for mysteries that don't concern locating her sex opening with his sex rod and then doing sex. Except also they don't have time for that because they have to go to some fancy banquet where some minister of something is going to announce some policy of something. I could probably explain it better but it's fucking boring and the speech bubbles are plastered all around Sue trying to get dressed for the event so most of my brain power was used up in getting the boner while looking at Sue in her slip.

Ralph decides to wear a hideous purple tuxedo to the event and Sue points out that it's as ugly as his Elongated Man costume. Ralph seems to act like this is the first time he's heard that criticism when it seems like it should be the five millionth time he's heard it.

Does "provincial" mean "homophobic"?

That was a rhetorical question because I know the answer is yes.

Sue breaks the 4th wall at the bottom of page six as she gives Ralph a handjob.

You don't know. That could be Ralph's dick.

At the banquet or buffet or whatever the fuck large political gatherings on which a fuckton of the population's money has been spent, Ralph winds up swamped by fans wanting pictures and autographs. It must be a slow night at the rich people's party if Elongated Man's the most famous person there. Sue strictly told him no stretching or being famous so when he goes against her strict party rules, she wanders off to find a super hot guy in a uniform and tight pants to fuck.

Is it gay for me to want to see Sue's delicate hand pull this gentleman's giant hog out of his pants to watch it stiffen across a few panels? Whatever. I'm gay then! Fuck off.

That gentleman is Sonar. You can tell because he has such a mastery of sound that he can make his speech bubble go behind his leg! Maybe that indicates he's talking out of his asshole? Or his penis is speaking that line about loving the collision!

I'm fairly certain we see Sue Dibny orgasm on the next page.

She's so disappointed when she finds out he knows she's married!

Sue and Ralph have such a strong marriage that Sue doesn't mind when Ralph clumsily flirts with his hot co-workers and Ralph doesn't mind when Sue eye fucks Captain Atom and Superman and Sonar and pretty much every other guy aside from Wally West and Dmitri Pushkin. Also I think maybe you can take the "eye" out of that last sentence. My theory is that Sue Dibny was dying from uterine cancer after having an affair with Captain Atom and Ralph faked her "murder" with help from Jean Loring to save her reputation. Sue may or may not have been in on it. Also Jean Loring may or may not have been in on it. She was probably tricked into participating in Sue's euthanasia.

Sue does enjoy fucking a lot of hot guys who don't bend weird and have twitching noses but she doesn't like it when they think it's going to be easy to get into her underpants.

Spot on? Amazingly perceptive? Right on the money?

I'm sure a lot of people love the stability of Sue and Ralph's marriage, something to be counted on for all time (I mean, until Identity Crisis, of course). But I think Sue is too hot and sexy to not imagine her fucking every hot guy she lays her eyes on! I bet she'd even fuck Etrigan!

Has Sue Dibny ever been in a DC movie? I think she should be played by Aubrey Plaza.

Somebody named L'Escargot crashes the party really, really slowly. He terrifies nearly nobody until he begins puking slime on diplomats. And while it doesn't really cause anybody any harm, it's super embarrassing for the host country of the party, Germany. Ralph tries to catch L'Escargot with his gigantic rubber fist but L'Escargot just cums in his hand and escapes.

I didn't spend all those years as a man and not learn that "SPLORK" is the sound effect of a penis ejaculating.

If Ralph can jerk off some guy at this party, then Sue has every right to get her hands around some penis too.

Sonar manages to knock out L'Escargot with his sonic powers while making it look like he simply punched him out. And also, I was wrong about the slime not causing anybody harm.

See? German!

I just realized the reason for this 1992 European Tour. They're holding these conferences to work out all the kinks in forming the European Union! It's existed for over half my life so it's something that I tend to forget hasn't always been a thing. No more Francs and Deutschmarks and Lira and Goldoons! Although still Pounds for some reason. I suppose Brexit shouldn't have been too surprising when your country feels exempt from completely switching currency the way everybody else did.

I don't know which ambassador for what country was killed by L'Escargot but it wasn't the French or the German or the Italian. Thank God it wasn't the Italian ambassador!

How did any of this get past the Comics Code Authority?!

Ralph begins to suspect that the person behind the attacks must not want a united Europe! And he's really suspecting that America would be that person! I mean country! Unless it's just the American ambassador going rogue and then person is okay. But I suspect it's probably Sonar! Because, you know, he's a villain.

As things settle down at the party and the corpse is hidden away in a backroom, Sonar invites the Dibnys to Modora. But Ralph, seeing how Sue has been looking at him all night and smelling the sex fumes coming from her drippy drawers with his twitchy nose, refuses the invite. Smart man! But later that night, Sue can't stop thinking about Sonar's fat cock on her tongue.

"Don't you think we should be experimenting with other dicks in or around my other orifices?"

Now I really, really think Aubrey Plaza should play Sue Dibny in a movie and not just in the fantasy playing in my head right now.

Ralph sort of refuses to take Sue seriously because he's taking his marriage for granted. But Sue doesn't want to take their marriage for granted. Sue wants to fuck Count Bito.

I guess technically this comic book isn't X-rated but it's definitely caused an abundance of X-rated panels in my head.

Elongated Man: Europe '92 Rating: A. I understand that Sue doesn't actually want to fuck Sonar. I get that she's the Penny to Ralph's Inspector Gadget, the snickering cat to Ralph's Hong Kong Phooey. Ralph thinks the mystery is in Paris. I mean Berlin. But Sue already realizes the mystery will be unraveled only once they're allowed in Modora. And she probably doesn't want to fuck Sonar but he definitely makes her wet. Why won't Ralph fuck Sue while speaking in a Modoran accent? Doesn't he love his hot young sexy wife?! I can't believe I enjoyed an Elongated Man comic book this much.