The Authority #12 (April 2000)

RIP Angie's nipples. Oh, and Jenny Sparks, I guess?

At the end of the last issue, The Authority flew The Carrier straight up God's urethra intending to fuck God's shit up from the inside. It's a good plan because they're not actually flying up my urethra but I've already been defeated just by imagining it. If I ever need a life saving surgery that depends on the doctor sending a surgical probe up my dickhole, I'm just going to die. That's because I'll only have two choices at that point: die from whatever needs the surgery, or die before that when a doctor shoves a hose up my cock.

Yeah, the main vein.

If The Authority really were flying through God's cock, would they be able to show it in a mainstream comic book? Is it only the outside of the cock that counts as sexually graphic imagery? Also, is a flaccid cock graphic sexual imagery? Doctor Manhattan spends the entirety of Watchmen with his flaccid blue cock showing and I don't think he was ever truly interested in using is for sex. Sure, he did, obviously, because Nightshade died of lady parts cancer, right? I know her name wasn't Nightshade in Watchmen but fuck you if you think I'm going to Google it or flip open the graphic novel that's probably within five feet of me at this very moment! I'm old and grumpy with an old person's memory and an old person's level of grump who has finally resigned themselves to never again seeing Angie's nipples in this stupid comic book. But I get to see the inside of God's penis! Hooray! So much more satisfying! That was sarcasm because I'm a stupid, sarcastic idiot with no original thoughts!

That last sentence sounded like I was reacting to recent criticism of my comic book blog and while I'd like to say it wasn't, it almost certainly was. The only twist is the criticism came from my own stupid brain. Man, I'd love to ice pick that thing! It's lucky my identity is so closely tied to it's life!

I dislike that they're still calling Space Daddy "God" even though The Ancestral Doctors disproved that it was God while trying to prove that it was God. Here's how that worked: they pointed out that the materials that became Earth were placed at that particular orbit around Sol so that it would form a planet fit for Space Daddy to live upon. But that orbit was not fit for human beings. A rogue planet collided with Earth and knocked it into an orbit that allowed Humans to evolve. So Space Daddy isn't God; the Rogue Planet is God! Man, I miss my God, Rogue Planet. Gee how I love him! He also gifted us the moon! What a loving God!

Jenny pretends she's asking her entire team for this model because she hates always leaving Swift out of every request of hers. Because Swift is useless. You know Jenny really means Angie or The Doctor.

I say that Jenny's not talking to Swift here but isn't this exactly the kind of thing Ellis throws into each issue so that Swift can prove she should be a part of this team? She's currently "flying" The Carrier even though The Carrier is alive and basically flies herself. So now would be a good time for The Carrier to deliver the 3-D model and Swift to report on it, acting like she had something to do with it and thus earning her spot on the team for one more issue. I have a bad feeling when Mark Millar takes over, Swift is going to lose her head.

Oh, and just like that, right on time, Swift comes up with the information. See, me? She's not totally useless! Because the thing can fly (or maybe some other reason), Swift can tune into its "biorhythms." I put "biorhythms" in quotes because I grew up in the '70s and that shit is stupid. But Swift uses it to determine that God has over four thousand hearts. That means Jenny can't just rip its heart out; she'll have to find its one liver or whatever.

This is my biorhythm right now. Everything is way up! But I'm crashing. And why does it say "Astral Hell" in the corner?!

If you can figure out my date of birth by my biorhythm, I will be coming for your four thousand hearts, you genius God you.

Midnighter reminds Jenny that they're basically HIV and Space Daddy's white blood cells are gonna come calling soon. Yeah, I could have used some other immune disease but I'm guessing The Authority is going to kick ass on all of God's blood cells so HIV seemed an appropriate choice. Midnighter doesn't want to be fired into the blood stream to fist fight God's white blood cells so he's looking for some high tech weapons already aboard The Carrier. I think he also hopes to figure out a different way to kill God than Jenny's way: blow The Carrier up inside its brain. Jenny only has a few hours left to live so she's all, "Let's fucking go!" Everybody else is all, "Calm down! We've got forty or fifty years left to kick ass and smoke cigarettes and fuck each other black and blue! Let's maybe put that plan down as B? Or C? Maybe M or N?"

Jesus Space Daddy Christ, Angie. Just say you've got cannons!

Jenny gets annoyed at Angie for bringing up history because Jenny is about to be history in ten hours. Also she has at least one last brag for the team before she goes.

I was about to say how much I envy Jenny when I remembered that time at X parents' lake house when we drank the absinthe she smuggled back from Europe in the Volvo Mark bought from the factory and then went skinny dipping. So, basically the same, n'est-ce pas?

That reminds me of the time I was riffing on Ghost World (one of my favorite movies and/or comics) and posted to Facebook, "My only regret when I die will be never wandering away from my home town on a mystery bus, leaving everything in the past forever." And my best friend Paul from high school replied, "Didn’t you do that in your Volkswagen?" And I realized on that day that had done that and I will die without any regrets. I absolutely left the town I grew up in my 1972 Volkswagen bus basically forever. When I left, I told my mother, "Well, that's it. I'm gone for good. I won't be returning." I didn't mean I'd never visit! I was just letting her know her baby was actually moving out. Not to anywhere particular, mind you! Just leaving in a bus forever to figure shit out on the road with a van full of comic books, graphic novels, and Fortean Times!

Can somebody get Jack a clean shirt?

Jenny's plan probably involves Dooring them all out while she goes down with The Carrier. Poor The Carrier. I hope she gives it a choice!

Jenny and Angie head down to the engine room which is simply a plexiglass cylinder with a baby universe inside. So not only will Jenny, Space Daddy, The Carrier, and any other fool member of the team still on the ship die in the explosion but also every single living being inside the caged baby universe? Maybe the term "baby" is supposed to express that it hasn't been around long enough for life, or even planets, to form. It's just all suns burning away and powering The Carrier.

The Engineer warns against releasing the baby universe to kill Space Daddy because it'll likely expand at faster than light speed to overwrite the current universe. Jenny doesn't question how that would work because she's smart enough to know she's the layman and an expert just gave her an answer. I respect that even while I'm over here typing, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT'S SOMETHING THAT CAN HAPPEN YOU STUPID IMBECILE WARREN ELLIS I AM SMARTER THAN YOU BY FAR EVEN THOUGH I'VE NEVER ACCOMPLISHED ANYTHING IN MY LIFE EVER! STUPID JERK!"

When I pretend to be some raging Comicsgater who is way too invested in the comic book they're reading, it makes me super sad to realize some people actually think that kind of shit. Relax, man! Learn about whimsy and fun! You don't always have to be above everything and smarter than everyone and unable to just fucking chill and laugh at yourself. I feel like one major deficit in the character of angry people online is their need to never be fooled by anybody. They question everything and refuse to take anything at face value which other people readily accept. And yet they're constantly fooled by the dumbest propaganda and stupidest ideas. Like how they think "woke" (using the term as they would and not how it really exists) comic books can't be sexy and that a comic book with loads of huge boobs somehow indicates actual free speech. It's almost as if they don't understand that loads and loads of "woke" comic books are ridiculously filthy and horny! Their problem is not understanding the difference between male gaze that is simply horny (like most of my comic book reviews!) and male gaze that is harmful and full of systemic internalized misogyny (like only some of my comic book reviews!).

In 1999, we were apparently still fighting the drug war because there's an anti-drug advert in this comic book. Take a look:

Weird advert because all I see, absolutely leaping out at me from top left to bottom right, are the letters LSD.

Life is hard but drugs have never made my life harder. Probably because I did them in moderation. And probably because I exclusively did mushrooms and acid. I can't speak for hard life becomes on other drugs. But then that was always the problem with the drug war, wasn't it? Treating all drugs as equal by plastering simple statements like this all over media when the actual discussion about how every drug works and affects your life would have been way more useful to the general public than frying eggs in a pan or filling out scantron forms like an absolute mental patient.

Instead of running into antibodies, The Authority stumble upon a civilization of sentient tape worms. They're all, "Fuck outta here, humans! This is our home!" And Jack Hawksmoor is all, "Why is my cock getting so hard? Oh shit! A fucking city! We're in a city! I need to kick a spine out of a torso!" Midnighter asks Swift about those weapons and Swift is all, "Did I ever tell you I'm a pacifist? Sure, sure. I've killed because somebody needs to do it sometimes. But I draw the line at killing Einsteinian Tapeworms." And Midnighter is all, "WHUT?"

My cat Gravy doing her best Midnighter impression.

Shen (you know, Swift!) decides to speak with the tapeworms by using some mathematical code that can translate her speech and ideas into their speech and ideas. She lets them know they mean the worms no harm and just want to kill the host the worms are living in. The worms prove not to be as smart as The Doctor surmised because they're all, "Oh? Okay! That sounds fine! I guess we'll be fine! We'd probably kill the host eventually anyway, right? Once we reached the level of civilization where we have the capacity to kill ourselves with weapons of our own design. So why not just let these fine folk do it instead? Bye! We'll probably be fine in a dead God, right?"

After the tape worms leave, a gargantuan flood of antibodies swarm after them. Swift needs directions to the brain and fast!

The Doctor is absolutely taking the piss, right?

How the fuck is "North" supposed to help?! Y'all are in space and not a fucking Infocom game! I'm just going to assume that Space Daddy has its own magnetosphere and The Doctor is using that to determine compass directions. But even then I'm really straining my suspension of disbelief because is the brain directly north as headed toward the horizon? Is it north but up 45 degrees? Down 30? How is "North" going to fucking get them to the brain?!

Apollo Doors out of The Carrier to battle Space Daddy's immune system while the others flee toward the brain. Jenny consoles Swift for some reason beyond my ken. Is she sad because I guess they're leaving Apollo behind? Is she upset at the destruction of antibodies? Did she just realize that they are Space Daddy's HIV? Maybe she detected Jenny Sparks' biorhythms which are screaming, "END OF THE FUCKING LINE!"

After some minor battles that seem worse than they are, The Carrier arrives at the brain before Jenny drops dead of End of the Century Disease. She gives Space Daddy a little speech, the kind she saves for all aliens who created Earth only to return to find new inhabitants squatting on it and are threatening to destroy them all.

I probably would have went with, "We already killed Space Mommy and all your children. You got nothing left, pal. Maybe go find a singles bar in Alpha Centauri?"

Jenny murders God by electrocuting its brain. She uses all the power she has left and drops to the floor, dying. But wait! Before Jenny dies, I have something important to show you!

Is that a nipple?!

Jenny has to explain to everybody as she dies why she's dying. Shen is all, "But the century isn't actually over until 2001!" And Jenny is all, "Don't blame me. Blame the ignorant masses that create the false consensus of when the century ends!" So that's got to be the worst way to die. Having to explain to everybody why you're dying at the wrong time. Jenny dies and then lightning flashes across London while a mother kisses her newly born baby. What's that about?!

The Authority #12 Rating: A+. Come on! They killed God! Batman's never killed God. Or has he? Hmm. He probably has. But only after The Authority did it, I bet! The only real problem with the ending of this series is that Warren Ellis left deciding the Spirit of the 21st Century's power to fucking Mark Millar. Gonna wind up with fucking Hit Baby.