The Earth from the top rope.
This is not the last issue of The Authority (that'll be Issue #29). But you think it would have to be. They're fighting the Earth. If they win, the Earth is destroyed and they have nothing left to protect. If they lose, well, that's obvious. The comic is over, right? At least that's what somebody who didn't read last issue might think and I read last issue so I know better. The Authority aren't actually battling Earth somehow! They're battling the psychotic Doctor from 1967 who somehow talked the Earth into killing everybody. I'm still not super clear on that part because Mark Millar never made that part super clear. At some point he just went from "The Earth got scared and it's lashing out at humans" to "the Earth was convinced to lash out at humans by The Doctor from 1967 and now he's the only one who can ask it to stop." Once the leap from plot one to plot two happened, it was easy to understand that's where the story was going. I just don't know why Millar decided to make it a leap without any explanation between jump and landing instead of at least one page with an easily followed path between the two points. But then I'm not worth multiple bajillions of dollars so I probably read the comic book wrong somewhere.
As it stands now, The Doctor has given his powers to 1967 Doctor for one hour in exchange for him calling off the Earth's attack on people. They have no idea what he's about to do but think they're prepared to defend themselves against him. Have they not been paying attention to The Doctor's powers? If he wants them to stop existing, they're going to stop existing. Even Midnighter can't super think his way through that problem.
As it stands now, The Doctor has given his powers to 1967 Doctor for one hour in exchange for him calling off the Earth's attack on people. They have no idea what he's about to do but think they're prepared to defend themselves against him. Have they not been paying attention to The Doctor's powers? If he wants them to stop existing, they're going to stop existing. Even Midnighter can't super think his way through that problem.
We get it, edgelord writers. Some of the characters are gay!
That was the first panel of this issue. I guess that means Doctor 1967 plans to destroy The Authority with his powers?
I'm sorry. After Doctor 1967 called some of the members of the team "poofs," I started thinking about how stupid this story arc is again and now I'm dumber than I was before I started thinking about it. The first two issues when natural disasters were happening were shit issues and that was before the story stopped making any kind of sense at all. The Authority didn't know who was causing the disasters but Angie or Jack or somebody came up with a list of possible culprits. That led to Midnighter blaming it all on Doctor 1967 because he was a psychotic who maybe could do all this shit if he still had his powers and also wasn't in 20 million B.C. But he doesn't have his powers and he wasn't in the year 2000 and why they listened to him at all doesn't make a lick of fucking sense. And then the ultimate problem: why the fuck did they suddenly believe he was the only one who could convince the Earth not to kill all the humans by basically committing suicide? Without that bit of the story, which Mark Millar definitely did not provide, having The Authority give the verifiably insane Doctor 1967 the god-like shaman powers, even for an hour, to end the threat is fucking stupid. Better to try themselves until the last second to stop the Earth throwing its fucking tantrum than end everything by giving a nutjob the power to, you know, end everything! Millar never shows nor tells why The Authority felt their hands were tied and they were desperate enough to try this out.
Maybe if Millar had thrown in a decapitation or two, I'd understand what the fuck was going on.
I'm sorry. After Doctor 1967 called some of the members of the team "poofs," I started thinking about how stupid this story arc is again and now I'm dumber than I was before I started thinking about it. The first two issues when natural disasters were happening were shit issues and that was before the story stopped making any kind of sense at all. The Authority didn't know who was causing the disasters but Angie or Jack or somebody came up with a list of possible culprits. That led to Midnighter blaming it all on Doctor 1967 because he was a psychotic who maybe could do all this shit if he still had his powers and also wasn't in 20 million B.C. But he doesn't have his powers and he wasn't in the year 2000 and why they listened to him at all doesn't make a lick of fucking sense. And then the ultimate problem: why the fuck did they suddenly believe he was the only one who could convince the Earth not to kill all the humans by basically committing suicide? Without that bit of the story, which Mark Millar definitely did not provide, having The Authority give the verifiably insane Doctor 1967 the god-like shaman powers, even for an hour, to end the threat is fucking stupid. Better to try themselves until the last second to stop the Earth throwing its fucking tantrum than end everything by giving a nutjob the power to, you know, end everything! Millar never shows nor tells why The Authority felt their hands were tied and they were desperate enough to try this out.
Maybe if Millar had thrown in a decapitation or two, I'd understand what the fuck was going on.
Fine, call them queens. I expect a Millar character to do that. But fat?! Where the fuck is he getting fat from?!
Reading this story arc is the first time I'm glad I've been giving my "reviews" grades because it proves that I thought the first two parts of this story were mediocre before I even got to this fucked up nonsensical finish.
Doctor 1967 beats Apollo in two pages and kicks Midnighter all the way back onto The Carrier. Midnighter decides not to go back to a useless fight (remember his head computer! He knows he loses every iteration of the battle!) and comes up with another plan to fetch somebody who can defeat Doctor 1967. But that means Jack Hawksmoor, The Engineer, and *snicker* Swift have to keep him occupied for another 57 minutes. Apparently at the end of that time, The Doctor (the real Doctor) gets his powers back automatically and the world is safe. I say "apparently" because if Mark Millar cares to explain why The Authority felt this was their only chance, he hasn't explained it yet.
Doctor 1967 beats Apollo in two pages and kicks Midnighter all the way back onto The Carrier. Midnighter decides not to go back to a useless fight (remember his head computer! He knows he loses every iteration of the battle!) and comes up with another plan to fetch somebody who can defeat Doctor 1967. But that means Jack Hawksmoor, The Engineer, and *snicker* Swift have to keep him occupied for another 57 minutes. Apparently at the end of that time, The Doctor (the real Doctor) gets his powers back automatically and the world is safe. I say "apparently" because if Mark Millar cares to explain why The Authority felt this was their only chance, he hasn't explained it yet.
That's what I said!
Just repeating myself yet again here: the reader was never told how Doctor 1967 was the only person to convince the Earth not to reverse its magnetic poles (and who cares if it did?!). Hopefully Millar will at least have Doctor 1967 explain why he wanted the shaman powers back for an hour. Surely it wasn't just to kill a couple of fat gay guys. He must want to fuck a black hole or something.
Also, if The Doctor was cut off from his powers, how is he visiting the Garden of Ancestral Memory? Can Door reach it?
The Ancestral Doctor also mentions that Doctor 1967 could stretch the hour to infinity which is also something I pointed out last review! Which I guess means I should be praising Mark Millar for such good writing! And I will as soon as The Doctor's plan is revealed and it's so fucking awesome and contains so many decapitations that I'll literally shit my pants from excitement. At that point, I'll only slightly be disappointed that Millar didn't explain why The Authority feel they couldn't stop the Earth and only this psychotic Doctor could.
Jack Doors Doctor 1967 to Mexico City so that Jack can be as powerful as he possibly can be anywhere on Earth. He fights with him a little bit before asking the rest of The Authority for some Goddamned back-up and somehow he doesn't laugh himself silly when Swift is all, "I'll save you!"
Also, if The Doctor was cut off from his powers, how is he visiting the Garden of Ancestral Memory? Can Door reach it?
The Ancestral Doctor also mentions that Doctor 1967 could stretch the hour to infinity which is also something I pointed out last review! Which I guess means I should be praising Mark Millar for such good writing! And I will as soon as The Doctor's plan is revealed and it's so fucking awesome and contains so many decapitations that I'll literally shit my pants from excitement. At that point, I'll only slightly be disappointed that Millar didn't explain why The Authority feel they couldn't stop the Earth and only this psychotic Doctor could.
Jack Doors Doctor 1967 to Mexico City so that Jack can be as powerful as he possibly can be anywhere on Earth. He fights with him a little bit before asking the rest of The Authority for some Goddamned back-up and somehow he doesn't laugh himself silly when Swift is all, "I'll save you!"
I have no issues with Swift's boobs but if she spent 20 grand to get them to where they are now, what the fuck kind of mess were they before?! Were they square with tangled nipples?!
I have no problems if an Asian person wants to refer to themselves as "Oriental." But it is a bit fucked up for a white guy to write an Asian person who refers to themselves as "Oriental"!
Swift does the one thing that Swift does that's impressive: she explodes Doctor 1967 by flying directly through him. It's why she's useless in large fights but when there's only one enemy, I can see the benefit of having her on the team. Plus the way Frank Quitely draws it, I think we've got a +1!
Swift does the one thing that Swift does that's impressive: she explodes Doctor 1967 by flying directly through him. It's why she's useless in large fights but when there's only one enemy, I can see the benefit of having her on the team. Plus the way Frank Quitely draws it, I think we've got a +1!
Decapitation Count: 11!
Swift should have blown through his head and exploded his brain so his dying mind wouldn't have time to put himself back together. But she fucked up and winds up flying face first into a concrete fist. Jack was taken down some other way, maybe Doctor 1967 turned his organs into traffic cones. He defeats Angie by going back in time and molesting her as her high school doctor and then being all, "Hi! Remember when we last met!" Then when she's freaking out, he blasts her through a building.
Just to be clear: I didn't make that up. The Doctor molests Angie in the past just to rattle her during their current fight. So, yeah, giving this psychopath God-like powers sure seemed worth it, right?
Next, Apollo has picked himself back up and Doors himself and Doctor 1967 to the surface of the sun where Apollo proceeds to punch his face off.
Just to be clear: I didn't make that up. The Doctor molests Angie in the past just to rattle her during their current fight. So, yeah, giving this psychopath God-like powers sure seemed worth it, right?
Next, Apollo has picked himself back up and Doors himself and Doctor 1967 to the surface of the sun where Apollo proceeds to punch his face off.
That's for calling him fat!
Apollo doesn't defeat him even when he punches his brains out across the face of the sun. Doctor 1967 beats the shit out of him again and they return to Earth where Doctor 1967 turns a light sprinkle into a shower of aborted fetuses just to prove he's the biggest fucking edgelord this universe has ever seen. He only shuts up when Midnighter pisses on him from a tiny Door over his head. And remember how awesome Midnighter's blood was? That probably means his piss smells fucking disgusting.
Midnighter's plan wasn't just to piss on Doctor 1967; it was to bring with him all the gender-swapped heroes of that alternate Earth they visited. The plan doesn't work because Doctor 1967 snaps his fingers and they all disintegrate. Then he decides to reverse the poles because that seemed to be a super scary thought in 2000. Doctor 1967 just thinks it's funny because they gave him the powers to stop the Earth from doing that and now he's going to do that. Ha ha! Good one, Aborted Fetus Rainman!
But before he can do it, that's when The Doctor's plan finally kicks in! Doctor 1967's fully enlightened brain finally catches up with his raging homicidal behavior and he can't commit genocide anymore because he's overwhelmed by empathy. Yeah. That was the plan. Hope Captain Aborted Fetus Rainman suddenly feels a twinge of empathy for every living creature in the universe and he just stops killing cold. Sure. Whatever.
Midnighter's plan wasn't just to piss on Doctor 1967; it was to bring with him all the gender-swapped heroes of that alternate Earth they visited. The plan doesn't work because Doctor 1967 snaps his fingers and they all disintegrate. Then he decides to reverse the poles because that seemed to be a super scary thought in 2000. Doctor 1967 just thinks it's funny because they gave him the powers to stop the Earth from doing that and now he's going to do that. Ha ha! Good one, Aborted Fetus Rainman!
But before he can do it, that's when The Doctor's plan finally kicks in! Doctor 1967's fully enlightened brain finally catches up with his raging homicidal behavior and he can't commit genocide anymore because he's overwhelmed by empathy. Yeah. That was the plan. Hope Captain Aborted Fetus Rainman suddenly feels a twinge of empathy for every living creature in the universe and he just stops killing cold. Sure. Whatever.
And it happens at 59 minutes so, um, great plan? He did all that harm and he only had about 15 seconds left of his power before stopping willingly? Get the fuck out of here.
So no explanation as to why Doctor 1967 was the only one who could stop the Earth. And I guess the only reason he wanted one hour of power was to get hard from genocide? That's the only way he can feel aroused? Not much of a motivation but then this is Mark Millar. He probably just thought, "That's hilarious! Great ending!"
Oh fuck. This was The Doctor's plan all along! He caused all the fucking natural disasters and blamed it on Doctor 1967 because he knew it would lead to fucking Angie! He's a monster!
That's the only way this story makes sense! The Doctor was behind it all because he knew he'd fuck Angie at the end. The Doctor is the one who convinced The Authority that Doctor 1967 was the only one who could stop the Earth! But The Doctor had that power all along, obviously. He has unlimited powers! Of course he could stop the Earth. Part of the switch of powers included stopping the Earth from destroying itself which means The Doctor was the one to stop it. He probably also used his powers to convince Doctor 1967 that he was somehow behind it all. The Doctor is a diabolical sex pest!
Fucking and smoking with Jenny Quantum in the room is okay though, right?
The Authority #20 Rating: C-. So The Engineer basically gets molested by two different Doctors in this issue and The Doctor is all, "All's well that ends well!" And Angie is all, "I don't know why I'm fucking you but I guess it's my choice, right?" And nobody questions reality anymore when they witness just as how much control The Doctor has over everything. Somebody needs to fucking murder that guy.
Decapitation Count: 11!
Fucking and smoking with Jenny Quantum in the room is okay though, right?
The Authority #20 Rating: C-. So The Engineer basically gets molested by two different Doctors in this issue and The Doctor is all, "All's well that ends well!" And Angie is all, "I don't know why I'm fucking you but I guess it's my choice, right?" And nobody questions reality anymore when they witness just as how much control The Doctor has over everything. Somebody needs to fucking murder that guy.
Decapitation Count: 11!
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