Thursday, May 19, 2016

Midnighter #12

I hope not! Midnighter for president!

The Review or Whatever!
Abraham Lincoln once said, "What we've got here is a failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach-around. So you get what we got where you get what you thought you were getting but got what we got here last night. I don't like mint any more than you do." That's how I feel right now!

Not surprisingly, this issue is called "Midnighter". Did Steve Orlando just win a bet with somebody about how many issues in a row he could use the same title for his comic book?

It's that time of month, ladies and gentlemen! Hmm. Who thought up calling men "gentlemen"?! That makes it sound like we're all terrible and we have to distinguish between men who have raised themselves above their base nature so that they can manage to behave in mixed groups? Oh, yeah. That totally makes sense.

Anyway, it's that time of the month! The time when I get to read a comic book that I love reading! Yay! Don't listen to the haters that don't like the Midnighter comic book because it makes their hetero parts feel all icky inside! I'm hetero and I love Midnighter (in a totally gay way). I also realize it's not cool to proclaim that you're hetero. I should at least leave a little wiggle room in there to suggest that there's a chance I might want to stick a big fat veiny penis into my mouth. That's weird. Is your mouth watering? Why did my mouth start watering?

Recently in this big fat veiny comic book, Amanda Waller thought it might be a good idea to deal with the devil. The devil in this case is Henry Bendix and his idea to make America great again is to have it stomp to death any country that so much as rolls an eye at democracy! Now his Supermanesque creation, The Unified, is smashing Modora to pieces and killing everybody in its borders because it offended the United States. Maybe Modorans also attacked the United States as well. Remember how a group of them ruined Midnighter's date earlier? And then they attacked a carnival in Coast City? Well, you can't do that to America and believe that your country's infrastructure and civilians will be left in peace! Holy fuck! Haven't the Modorans been paying attention?! Don't fucking piss off America, dude!

Although, to be fair to America (for some reason), it really is just Henry Bendix who currently feels this way. He's kind of more a super-villain than a good guy in the way Donald Trump is. Except he's intelligent. And Henry looks more human, even with the robot shit on the sides of his head.

Since Henry Bendix is being a dick, Amanda Waller breaks his neck. I'm sure he'll be okay! She then tells the Suicide Squad to work with Midnighter, Apollo, and Spyral to defeat The Unified. The only problem is one of her new Squad is Multiplex and his only goal in life is to kill Midnighter. It was his birthday gift to Midnighter and Midnighter loves it!

The Unified decides to give a little speech as he murders civilians.

Ouch! I think The Unified just hurt his own American feelings, and maybe possibly just justified 9/11.

Apollo begins beating up The Unified because that's the correct match-up. I know Midnighter's name is on the cover and he's a complete bad-ass who can probably defeat anybody in the DC Youniverse (except Batman) but The Unified is more up Apollo's alley (not an anal sex joke). Although Apollo respects the name on the cover and only maims The Unified before dropping him back into the battle to be killed by Midnighter.

Meanwhile, Henry Bendix quickly recovers from his broken neck and escapes. Nice job, Amanda! Now that asshole is going to be loose in the Afterbirth Universe!

So anyway, Midnighter blows up The Unified's head and saves Modora. Helena thanks him and Apollo stands around shirtless. The End! Except for the epilogues.

Epilogue One: Midnighter tells Whats-her-name in the God Garden to get off his back.

Epilogue Two: Midnighter finishes his tell-all interview.

Epilogue Three: Amanda Waller sticks a hot dog down her throat. Um, also she kind of makes nice with Midnighter. I guess he's going to be on call for a lot of shady groups! You know, if they're doing the right thing, that is.

Epilogue Four: Midnighter gets a drink at Jason's bar.

Epilogue Five: Apollo and Midnighter get back together. With kisses and doing-its and everything! Now it's the end! It's a good ending but also a bad ending because this has been one of my favorite comic books and consistently good every month. Now what? I have to write Midnighter fanfic?

No comments:

Post a Comment