Thursday, May 26, 2016

Action Comics #52

Why do the police still hate Superman?

The Review or Whatever!
This issue is called "The Great Pretender" because Superman is a big phony. Unless it's Wonder Woman who is the big phony because she's pretending she still loves Superman just because he's dying. It's also possible the pretender is Impostor Superman. That seems too straightforward though, right?!

Before I start scanning a few panels in which Dale Eaglesham really worked long and hard on Wonder Woman's tits (I mean, seriously, they're perfect!), I want to discuss a serious problem I have. I currently have forty unread comic books in the stack on top of Rebirth #1. That means I've got at least two weeks (and probably three!) until I get to it. There's no way I'm going to avoid spoilers for that long! Especially when people seem to think that I read every comic book as soon as it hits the shelves at 11 in the morning Pacific Time! How hard is it to understand that I read the comic book as I write the commentary? So if you want to know if I've read a book yet, check the fucking index on my home page! It's not like these "reviews" read like I've already read the comic book and thoughtfully considered the themes and changes in character! When have I ever written anything scholarly on any of these stupid funny books? I think it's fairly obvious from reading any one of my "reviews" that I'm actually reading the comic book as I'm writing the stupid thing. How can people not notice that?! Did they all score First Grade Level on their Reading Comprehension Tests?!

See? It's digressions like that which keep me from reading more than maybe two comic books per day! And I need to read at least that many just to keep up from week to week! But then I go away for a weekend or wind up doing my civic duty while also still working and I miss reading comic books for three or four days so then I'm even further behind! I wish I had that Fermata power! Although I'd probably just use it to molest people on public transportation as well instead of doing any actual work.

I wonder what the current generation would think of Nicholson Baker's The Fermata. On one hand, it's a book about a guy who constantly sexually assaults strangers. But on the real hand (which is the thematic hand and the one which needs a reading comprehension greater than that of a first grader), it's really about writers and writing. I suppose it could be about any profession but since Baker is a writer (who is also a writer's writer, if that's a thing. Is that a thing?), The Fermata is only about writing. If you think differently, you're probably wrong.

Um, so, Impostor Superman is currently trying to get into Lois's yoga pants.

Oh! Oh! I think I know his secret!

Hmm. I was wrong. His secret wasn't his cock.

For the first time ever, Clark White appears in one of New 52 Superman's books! That's probably not a good sign for New 52 Superman. Clark White lives in Salinas, California, which is where John Steinbeck lived! I've been in his house! I saw where he spent hours at his typewriter practicing writing because he wanted to be a writer! I kind of felt like the tour guide was rubbing it in a little bit. Who spends that much time practicing writing?! Not a Writer with a capital "W"! Who needs to practice?! Steinbeck should have been more like Hemingway and just declared he was going to be a great writer and then write a bunch of shit that people think is great because Hemingway said he was a great writer. This is probably where I point out that I have never read anything by Hemingway and so don't actually know what I'm talking about. But I have read everything by Steinbeck (except maybe Travels With Charlie because I was disappointed Charlie wasn't a cat), so I can probably safely say that Steinbeck was a way better writer than Hemingway! Hell, Gertrude Stein was a better writer than Hemingway and she was a shitty writer on purpose!

Impostor Superman's secret is Clark White. So it kind of is a cock! Har har! The only secret I want to know about is the name of Clark White's cat. Why do they mention the dog is named Ranger but nobody thinks to identify the cat?! I hope it's name is Streaky. Impostor Superman starts a fight with Clark White before the cat is introduced.

Meanwhile, New 52 Superman can't die fast enough. Just die already! Everybody thinks he's dying of Kryptonite Poisoning but I know what he's really dying from. He's got Lobdellitis. He's been too tainted by shitty Lobdell story lines. There's not saving him. The only way to return any dignity and respect to the character is to destroy this version of him and never speak of it again.

The New 52 Trinity notice the action in Salinas as they fly back from China and stop to check it out. New 52 Superman meets Clark White for the first time but it's a short meeting because Clark has to go rush his wife, kid, dog, and cat to safety. That leaves New 52 Superman and his friends to deal with Impostor Superman who thinks he's about to join the Justice League.

I guess I'll read the rest of The Final Days of Superman out of order because I just want to see Superman die already!

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