Resurrection Man #11

This is basically the same cover from last month. I'm guessing he'll actually run into Hooker this time.

Mitch and his sidekick chick whose name I forget rumble on into Viceroy, Virginia on their search for the Transhuman. They don't actually care about finding him. They want to find the lab where Mitch Shelley once worked. And Mitch is assuming that the Body Doubles took the Transhuman there and Mitch has a device that can track the Transhuman. They "rumble" into Viceroy because they're traveling in one of Transhuman's tank/van hybrids. And apparently they're trying not to stand out.

They're doing it wrong.

The people of Viceroy probably see old men in dark shades with young black women in dark shades trundling into town in a tank every day. Maybe it's just not a surprise because everybody loves Soder, America's Soda!

Citizen of Viceroy: "OH YAH! PEOPLE COME FROM AWW OVER TO VISIT THE SODER PWANT!"

Obviously, I believe people from Virginia speak like Minnesota toddlers with a speech impediment.
Mitch and Kim (that's her name! I didin't remember it. Mitch just finally called her by name) ditch the Soder Tour and hide in his mystic shadow powers until the plant closes for the night.

I knew soda was evil! That's why I gave it up 16 months ago. It's all iced tea and water for me now. And, you know, the occasional alcoholic beverage.

I'm sure the Soder soda company is just a cover for Mitch Shelley's Super Human Research Center. But maybe it's not! Maybe Soder has been experimenting on the populace for 108 years now! The sugary sweet syrup changes the DNA of the populace across generations, causing them to be more susceptible to the meta-human gene! Which is why Super Heroes exploded across the world sometime around six years ago. And Mitch, having a job sweeping the floors as a young boy, stumbled onto the plot. But since he loved soda so much, he convinced the Soda Men in Black to allow him to work for them. Over the course of the next twenty years, he had taken over and was running the program himself, hiring people like Deathstroke to protect his team as they injected Soder into wounded soldiers all across the world!

So remember, kids! Keep drinking Mr. Pibb and you too will never die!

While searching the place for the lab, Kim touches the wall with her Pervetronic Power and it enables her to see the lab built into the Soder Factory.

That seems like a really stupid design. "Let's make a tower composed mostly of glass windows! And then we'll turn it invisible so nobody knows it's here!" Later: Window Replacement Guy: "Fucking enough with the fucking overtime already! Stupid bastard kids always throwing rocks! Goddamned birds! Piece of shit small planes. I hate this fucking job."

While a hidden tower thrust up in the sky makes me wonder how things aren't constantly smashing into it and shattering the windows, Mitch Shelley muses about how they manage to hide it. "Optical Camouflage?" "Holograms?" "Nano-reflective paint?" I guess me and Mitch are just concerned with different things in life. He's a curious scientist and I'm a cynical asshole.

Being in the building is beginning to trigger old memories in Mitch. He remembers the code that operates the executive elevator and they head on up the tower. He's probably also remembering which bathroom in the building was the least used and what was the best time during the day to take a giant shit without being bothered. And maybe he's remembering all of the little passive-aggressive notes people would leave on their food in the fridge in the lunchroom. Perhaps he now knows which coworkers were most likely to take their lunch break with him to snap naked pictures of each other in the Soder Delivery Van. Perhaps a memory has come back of the time he stopped the executive elevator between floors so he could jerk off while the image of the receptionists nipples poking through her sweater was still fresh in his mind. Finishing up with his seed dripping down the wall and awkwardly getting off on his floor as his penis dribbled cum down his pant leg.

Those are the types of office building memories everybody has, right?

I did find a cock ring at work one time. But that was because I was cleaning the floor of an adult bookstore's back viewing room. The place was composed of a couple of hallways filled with little viewing booths where you could lock the doors. The night shift were supposed to make sure the rooms were cleared out before we got there but one of the doors was locked one night. At some point, a shadowy figure bolted from the room as I was mopping dried semen from the floor. I'm assuming that was probably what was on the floor. When I headed over to mop up that cubicle, I found the guy's cock ring tossed in the hall outside the door. It was his because I'd already been through there sweeping. I picked it up and ran outside, "Sir! Sir! You forgot your cock ring!"

Okay, so I didn't do that last part. Although I did tap a woman on the shoulder while cleaning the floor of a 7-11 one time and said, "Ma'am, you dropped your crack pipe." You should have seen her scramble to awkwardly pick it up. She didn't even say thank you, the bitch! That was the same 7-11 where a guy was trying to buy aluminum foil and bled all over the counter from the needle holes between his fingers.

Just as an addendum, I only cleaned the porn store the one time. I also found a five dollar bill there and was unsure if I even wanted to stick it in my pocket. Also, I wore rubber gloves while cleaning that place! My co-workers usually had the porn store on their route and when they quit (finally!), I dropped the store from my route. The owner called a few times begging me to clean the store but I felt cleaning it was part of my apprenticeship and I wasn't going to keep doing that no matter how much he kept increasing the payment! A floor cleaner has to draw the line somewhere! My line includes 7-11s filled with drugged out patrons and prostitutes but cleaning little booths with glory holes haphazardly cut into the plasterboard walls by the patrons themselves was just a tad over the line. Someone's got to do it! But I think those someones are people who have bosses that tell them what to do.

So those are the kinds of things that I'd suddenly remember if I were an undying amnesiac come back to his place of business!

Mitch and Kim quickly find the Transhuman's cell and attempt a rescue.

Well, they didn't actually come to break you out, exactly. A little more selfish than that.

My favorite character in the book, The Transhuman, is finally back and he turns on Mitch! I can't blame him for that. Mitch is kind of a chump and not exactly the most interesting protagonist of The New 52. The Transhuman is far more interesting and could probably star in a more entertaining title. Hooker (Mitch's old partner now running this military-industrial company) used the Transhuman as bait to lure Mitch back. The whole complex goes on alert and The Body Doubles gear up to help take him down.

Back in Issue #3, Mitch was ready to walk into this lab alongside The Body Doubles and The Transhuman. But then he was killed by an angel and woke up in Arkham Asylum. After that, it appears everybody decided that Mitch was once again trying to run and avoid them. So it was back to hunting him using extreme measures. I'm not sure why Hooker wants him so badly. It's possible that Mitch is the result they were looking for while doing experiments on wounded soldiers in Iraq. So Hooker wants him back to study him and run tests on him to recreate the Super Serum Batch that was used on Mitch when the whole operation became a giant clusterfuck years ago and Mitch was mortally wounded.

The Body Doubles catch up with Mitch and Shelley and everything is back to square one. It's Portland all over again. Mitch seems to be getting the better of them when the Body Double Carmen tackles him through a window.

Window Replacement Guy: "GODDAMNIT!"

Mitch is killed from the fall. Carmen merely breaks her neck and multiple other bones. But she shakes it off and is back to normal in about the same amount of time Mitch takes to resurrect. And he apparently comes back as Cyclops.

Interesting. How exactly did they fail? Better Man: "I'm doing it! I'm screwing you!" Body Double Carmen: "Wrong hole, asshole." Hmm, wait. I wouldn't consider that failure!

Carmen manages to get Mitch in a sleeper hold and then orders some kind of Hammer Matter Transport thing. They're hit by a big blue beam and both of them end up back inside the lab. Mitch is out cold and Bonnie Body Double pumps him full of some kind of sedative. And that's another issue down.

Resurrection Man #11 Rating: No change. I thought maybe the cover, being so similar to last month's cover, might end up being the correct one. But once again, it seems the covers are one month ahead of the story in the comic since Mitch is never confronted by Hooker. Also, still fuzzy about how Mitch ended up in Gotham. Maybe next issue all will be revealed! It won't. Although the Zero Issue might explain some shit. I probably shouldn't be worried about how Mitch went from Portland to Gotham after being disintegrated by Suriel. I think my explanation last issue was a good explanation. I think if his body is completely destroyed with nothing left to resurrect, his current consciousness manages to move back in time and wake up in one of his bodies at a point when it's dead. Sure, that fucks with time. But who cares? This is DC! When did they ever truly care about time travel and its consequences?

Superboy #11

Where the hell did Detritus come from? Who is he? What was my name?

Of course I actually remember Detritus. He's the guy Lobdell thought was such an awesome idea for a super villain that he had to put it in an early issue so that nobody would steal the idea. But he wasn't ready to use him in an issue so he made everybody forget everything about him. And now he's back! Except he forgot which comic he was supposed to be in, having been introduced in Teen Titans.

At the end of the last issue Superboy was in which was Teen Titans #10, he had escaped from The Mysteriously Mysterious Mystery Island of Mysteriously Mysterious Mysteries. Nobody every figured out what was going on with the place. Nobody knows why they landed there or why dinosaurs were there or why it had a top side of the island and an upside down bottom side of the island. It was very much like a story arc from DC in the 1960s where continuity didn't really matter very much. Which isn't a bad thing. But that was an age when people didn't really care that Batman suddenly didn't think about Catwoman after she grabbed his balls a month later. Now they expect him to obsess over it issue after issue. Right? Anyway, it's probably better that Lobdell doesn't explain the mystery. That way, Morrison or Milligan or Giffen or some other writer can actually use the island in a later story and actually make it interesting. My guess is the island has something to do with the Doom Patrol. And Danny somehow brought them to it while they were escaping NOWHERE Headquarters which is why they needed him to bring them back home.

So Superboy and Bunker are hanging out in Superboy's new apartment. His new apartment is some rich lady's storage unit. And by storage unit, I think Superboy means mansion. He can afford to rent a place like this because he's just recently come into some money.

I know I've linked to this before but I just love it: Borrowed? Without asking?!

I will readily accept Superboy needing money and going out and taking it from a bank. He's just a clone new to the world and shouldn't really have a very defined concept of ethics. Hell, he shouldn't have a defined concept of anything! But it wouldn't be a very exciting comic if he had the mentality of an infant. Actually, as soon as I started typing that sentence, I knew I believed the exact opposite! I'd rather read about Superboy with the body of a teen and the mind of a baby.

Superboy is a bank robber. Big deal! He'll eventually give it back and everyone will have a good laugh about it. In the meantime, Bunker can deal with the ulcer this gives him. Bunker chooses to just forget about Superboy's ethical transgressions because Bunker enjoys looking at him.

"A big hard cock?"

They wander about New York for a while discussing some of the things Superboy has learned. Like he learned that Supergirl likes to hit first and hit again later and then maybe throw a few more punches after asking questions. She's mean! He also explains how the "S" is the only thing he really feels he owns. That's kind of sad since it's a stolen symbol! But I guess (I think?) Superboy's DNA is stolen from Superman anyway. But if that's true, why does Superboy have Telekinetic powers? Where did that come from? My guess is he has Superman DNA, Lex Luthor DNA, and some third, unrevealed person's DNA as well.

Matching nipple rings?

Oh, no. They're just getting tattoos.

Bunker opts for a Pez tattoo.

While Superboy opts for a tattoo sported by roughly 2.5 million people.

Bunker just jizzed in his pants. And who can blame him?! Just look at that bicep!

So far, this is the best issue of Superboy Lobdell has written. But then it's scripted by DeFalco. I don't know what that means exactly. Normally if you add one piece of dog shit to another piece of dog shit, you just get a bigger pile of dog shit. But this issue is working so far! I'm just waiting to see how they screw the entire thing up before it's over.

I should probably mention that the tattoo parlor is an obvious front for Kobra. Hopefully that means that the tattoo ink will later turn Bunker and Superboy into Kobra Followers and they'll beat up Wonder Girl some more.

Some kind of ruckus causes these two besties to change into costume. Not that Superboy really wants to play the hero. He just wants to be a normal boy!

Normal people don't use their telekinetic powers to rob banks in the middle of the night. Also, using "big bad" does not make your characters sound young. It makes your characters sound like Joss Whedon rip-offs.

You'll never guess who the cause of the ruckus is! No, it's not Lex Luthor! Nope, not the Joker! Let me spoil it for you: it's Detritus! Yep! Totally! Except he's gained thirty or forty stories since he last appeared. See? This is what happens when you don't recycle, people! The land fills become sustenance for giant, autonomous, intelligent junk robots! Fuckers.

Superboy knocks Detritus down while Bunker rescues the innocent bystanders.

So is the truck driver! Go Bunker!

The action scene with Superboy, Bunker, and Detritus is actually enjoyable. Except for the part where Detritus monologues his (sort of) origin story. Why so mouthy, robot? Just go about your business absorbing people's minds and sticking their junk to your body. I bet if he had wandered into Portland, he'd have Portlandia (the statue, not the show) stuck on its head and a giant bird on it.

I'm going to describe how the battle ends because I find it kind of lazy of Lobdell and DeFalco. Superboy telekinesisses the outer shell of Detritus away so that only the actual creature remains (which is still a robot but smaller). It then describes how lonely it is being the only one of its kind and it shares a moment with Superboy. Aww. How cute and sweet. They're bonding. So Bunker and Superboy wonder what they should do with it since it can still be a danger even if it becomes their friend. But all of that is just going to get too complicated, so Lobdell makes it attack Superboy again! So Superboy punches it into the river (Bunker says he punches it into a million pieces but since it still has a humanoid shape as it falls into the water, I think he's exaggerating). They shrug their shoulders and decide it's defeated for today and somebody else's problem tomorrow. Let's go home!

Superboy #11 Rating: +1 ranking. This ranking is based on a curve! Superboy has been so bad across so many issues that this one really shines in comparison. Superboy and Bunker had some enjoyable moments together. Plus, they have tattoos that are going to turn them into Kobra henchmen someday! Yay! Superboy and Bunker: Best Friends Forever!

Until it squirts?

Suicide Squad #11

Deadshot falls to his death extravagantly.

Man. I can't stop laughing every time I think of a campy 60s Swamp Thing television show. I think the idea has ruined me for the day. Okay. Pull it together.

Last issue, Amanda Waller realized one of the members of the Suicide Squad was a traitor. In an earlier issue, a flashback scene occurred that showed an anonymous person being approached to infiltrate Task Force X and assassinate Amanda Waller. I'm fairly certain it has to be one of the original team but Adam Glass might pull a fast one and decide to make it Iceberg. I still think it should be Deadshot even though that's the most obvious. It really, really, really should be Deadshot.

Waller interrogates El Diablo trying to find out who slipped cyanide to the Basilisk agent last issue. At least that's what she's pretending to want to find out. She's just trying to scare everyone. And the best way to scare everyone is to shove them on a plane for another suicidal mission!

Apparently the new artist didn't get the memo that Harley's tits have become gigantic.

It seems really suspicious but Amanda Waller loaded this plane with five new Task Force X recruits. And since one of them pokes her neck nanite bomb and yells, "For Basilisk!", as the plane explodes, I'm pretty sure the Squad was set up by Waller. This is exactly the type of shit she'd pull when "the gang" start acting out of control!

Except Waller immediately speaks with some mysterious supervisor and tells him that Task Force X is done and they should scrap it. What the hell? Waller gives up that easily now? What the fuck is going on! Nothing is adding up in this issue! I think the entire thing is some kind of scam to get the traitor to blow his cover. It's possible Waller even suspects that mysterious supervisor she was speaking with as the man behind the mole.

El Diablo manages to absorb the fire from the explosion but they're still falling to the ocean in the front half of the destroyed airplane. Black Spider digs out some parachutes and they all begin bailing out of the plane to the ocean (or lake or sea or river) below.

How cute! And by cute, I mean both tiny Deadshot kicking tiny King Shark and Dr. Quinzel's concern for King Shark's safety. Where oh where has Harley gone?

Since Amanda Waller isn't exactly forthcoming with any kind of mission information what-so-ever ever, the team have no idea where they've crashed landed. And I think Deadshot got a concussion during the fall.

"Were got to figwere out were were at!"

King Shark knows where they are. He can taste that they fell into the Gulf of Mexico just off of the Yucatan Coast. I wonder what else he can tell by tasting the water? Can he tell if Harley is ovulating since she was in the water? Or which member of the team has hemorrhoids?

The Squad is greeted by some Mayan natives cut off from civilization for thousands of years. They're treated like grand guests but Deadshot is anxious to get back to the mission before Waller decides to blow the bombs in their necks. I'm not sure what mission he's going to go on since all they knew was that they were headed to a Basilisk Base to assassinate Regulus. Perhaps he just wants to rush off and find a phone so he can tell Waller and say, "We're all alive and please don't explode our heads we didn't blow the plane up on purpose it wasn't our fault if you have to kill anyone kill Black Spider and I know I screwed up (and screwed Harley too) but please don't kill me please please until I get a chance to kill you oops oh shit scratch that last part uh oh losing connection bzzt bzzt bzzzt gotta go!"
But nobody wants to go with Deadshot.

And he's right! They all end up drugged and captured! Ha ha!

Harley is adorable hanging upside down awaiting the human sacrifices.

Yeah, that's how it ends. King Shark and El Diablo are actually on the altar about to have their hearts cut out. Next issue, I'm pretty sure Iceberg is going to get his clock stabbed in the face.

Suicide Squad #11 Rating: No change. This was a really weird issue. Maybe Waller is just tired of directing Task Force X now that she has most of what she needs for her Samsara Project. Even Deadshot says he knows Waller and she won't give up looking for them just as the scene shifts to show Waller getting drunk and telling the person on the other end of the line that she's headed home. It looks like this will probably be a two issue story arc similar to the Teen Titans/Superboy crossover where they spend some time on a mysterious island before being rescued and never caring about the island again. But at least this island doesn't have dinosaurs on it. Also, I like this group of characters better. Plus, one of these guys might actually die! Although I guess, technically, Danny the Street died. Or at least turned into an Alley in Chinatown. Maybe that's where sentient streets go to die?

Swamp Thing #11

Swamp Thing was raped in the face by Anton Arcane. Not cool.

I feel something is missing in Swamp Thing. Growing up, Swamp Thing comics always fascinated me yet I never read them. They were a mystery. What the hell could this book be about? The guy is a giant, walking pile of swamp moss. The covers hinted at the horror within the book I never quite dared to pick up. I wasn't scared to read the stories. I think I lacked the confidence to try a comic so mysterious and different than the comics I'd been reading. But now that I'm reading Swamp Thing, some thing is missing.

The covers and the character always suggested something foreign, something strange. Das Unheimliche. That's what I want in the Swamp Thing. I want to be uncomfortable, perhaps a little bit aghast, and yet not be able to look away. Perhaps the story is doing that for some readers. The horror is tuned in just right. Perhaps I've removed myself from the material by too many degrees due to writing about it as I read it. Whatever it is, I keep coming away empty, no matter how much I want to like the book. Perhaps the feeling and the tone I need can be found if I simply read the whole series over again from the beginning? I think that's what I'll do.

I still feel I should drop some acid first.

And I've now reread the entire series sans acid. Simply put: it works really, really well when read together as a whole. And I know the main thing that's missing although only occasionally: art by Yanick Paquette. His art sets the appropriate tone of survival horror. And it is about survival. Everything in the book is just trying to scrape its way out from underneath everything else trying to survive. Alec, Abby, Sethe, The Rot, The Green, The Parliament of Trees, all of the innocents swept up in the madness. I wouldn't mind it being a bit grimmer than it is but that's just because my level of tolerance for horror was formed out of my own need for survival. No, I don't have any gruesome street stories. It's just my mom raised me watching horror movies and as a ten year old boy watching Friday the 13th on Showtime in 1981, you learn to build a hard, cynical shell about yourself so that the nightmares don't drive you crazy. I used to stave off nightmares by repeatedly singing The Flintstones' theme song in my head over and over until I drifted off to sleep. So maybe a little more horror with my horror would help to make the mood and tone feel right.

The book has its faults as well. I don't think Marco Rudy's art fits as well with modern horror themes. His stuff takes me back to (speaking as a very non-expert of this!) 1970s House of Mystery stories. Which is fitting, sure! But like I said, I want something darker!

It also feels like The Rot was set up as the huge nemesis to The Green early on. I had problems with this take as I didn't think The Rot should be portrayed as evil. I think over time this was corrected as Lemire with Animal Man and Snyder here on Swamp Thing really fine tuned the relationship between The Red, The Green and The Black so that it's exactly where I was hoping it would be. It's all about balance. And by no means does Snyder portray the Parliament of Trees as pure and righteous. Alec gives them grief for becoming too greedy. And they even state at one point that only they should rule the Earth, proving that each of the three over reaches with their ambition and each shares the blame for the war between them.

All of that previous crap should have been saved for some kind of One Year Later in The New 52 post where I sum up my feelings on the different titles. But I'm not even caught up on the current crap (still!), so I really shouldn't be thinking about off-shoot projects. So, with that said, time to read Issue #11.

I would have dropped the "what" from Anton's first speech bubble. That's me being an editor (not a DC editor, those lazy bastards!). Just trying to put my personal touch on someone else's work to claim a small bit of the creative control.

This is the initial confrontation between Abby and Anton. I like how Anton, this zombie-esque demony presence continually refers to family life with Abby. And after this exchange, all the un-men try to restrain Abby while showing their affection for her. This is good, chilling stuff. This is "Unheimlich" done right! The twisting of the familiar into something grotesque and creepy. This is the family from House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects. It's the family from The X-files' episode "Home". It's the cannibalistic family in The Hills Have Eyes or Hotel Hell. This is what I find disturbing: family twisted and deranged but still held together by familial love and loyalty.

I feel after all of that I should make some kind of fart joke.

One of the things I missed while reading Issue #10 was that the person Anton was speaking with at the beginning, the person whose head he bashed in, was Swamp Thing. Duh. Occasionally I miss the most obvious stuff. So Anton makes off with Abby believing that he's killed the Swamp Thing. But fortuitously for Alec, he brought the essences of the Parliament of Trees to the swamp in Louisiana when he transformed into the Swamp Thing. It worked and they were able to save his life.

It's like Mad Max in Beyond Thunderdome! Or C-3PO on Endor! Or Charlie in the Chocolate Factory! Or that kid in Time Bandits in Waterloo! Except naked!

The Parliament is able to wake up the Swamp Thing and he sets off in search of Abby. And being that everyone is still in the swamp and Swamp Thing has "swamp" right there in his name, I'm betting he'll track them down pretty easily! Which he does! And then the big fight ensues.

POW! This panel and that sound effect make me wish someone would do a campy Swamp Thing sitcom in the style of the old Batman television show. "What lies in store for our mouldering mass of mossy muscle? Can he escape Anton Arcane's argyle clutches?" See, the demon Anton Arcane would wear an argyle vest and a derby. Duh.

I haven't read any more of the fight than I've scanned in here. I don't really know a lot about how the Swamp Thing fights. Does he just throw punches and make vines and brambles trip up his opponent? And what can Arcane do? Laugh evilly and create un-men? I think they just might trade punches for three pages.

Arcane sicks the un-men on Swampy who shoots out thorny tendrils, killing and disabling most of them.

Oooh! Even Swampy wants to turn this into a campy 60s throwback!

Once the un-men are out of the way, Swamp Thing and Anton do trade punches! But just for one page. The second page is when Swamp Thing rips off both of Anton's arms and punctures his chest. The third page, however, is where all of Anton's wounds become tooth filled mouths which begin eating their vegetables.

I would think the Rot's Avatar just isn't as powerful as the Red's or the Green's because The Rot just seems to settle on whoever it can fucking get.

Anton doesn't quite have all of his shit together as the Avatar of The Rot because as soon as he reveals himself as such, Abby blows his brains out. This doesn't have as mortal an effect as it might have had on a, you know, mortal. He just kind of laughs it off and threatens to be back as he descends back into the dirt. Alec is about to follow when Abby warns him to stop. It's a portal into the rot and she can see a nightmare world within it. It seems like she sees some of the same future that was shown to Ellen by Justice League Dark. Or was the future shown to Buddy by the Totems? Bah, I guess it doesn't really matter since they've both come to the swamps to help out.

I guess Cliff stayed behind in the RV with Nana.

Swamp Thing #11 Rating: +3 Ranking. Yes, I'm moving this comic up three spots. Not simply for this issue but more as an adjustment after rereading the series. If I had more time on my hands, I'd do the same for each of the other 52. And I may yet as the the first year of the New 52 ends and the Zero comics come out. It would be a good time to look back over the year and report what I believe were DC's successes and failures. I'm pretty sure I've made the failures very apparent! But sometimes the successes are harder to make jokes about, so they get passed over.

The Ravagers #3

Why does that contraption need Ridge's legs spread apart? Oh Brother Blood! Is this a sex thing?

The first issue of The Ravagers mislabeled two of The Ravagers right on the cover introducing the characters. That must have been pretty confusing for new readers. Although I think DC believes new readers don't really look at the cover. Or that older readers have been trained after decades of silly, goofy non-continuity covers that the covers are always just a metaphor for the action inside, so they can be ignored.

The second issue of The Ravagers was three pages shorter than every other $2.99 New 52 Comic printed so far. That must have been pretty frustrating for fans of the characters. If they even noticed. Again, I'm fairly certain DC believes their fans just aren't going to notice when DC pulls its fucking pants down to shit all over the fans. They'll just gobble it all up.

DC's Deluded View of Their Fans: "Thanks, DC, for shitting out another comic with Terra and Beast Boy! Even though even your own creative teams can't identify Terra anymore and I really have no relationship with the Beast Boy of this New 52. But I love the character so much that I don't need him to be Steve Dayton's kid. And he never had to have a relationship with his mom Rita and her Doom Patrol. And who cares if he was ever a Teen Titan because at least you're publishing a story with a character that looks and acts nothing like him but has the name Beast Boy! Let me jerk you off while you shit on me, please?!"

So, as you can see, I have high hopes for The Ravagers' creative team's version of Brother Blood, one of my favorite villains of all time! Oh no. I won't be too critical! Just write this new version well and I can live without the history. Start a new history and a really interesting Brother Blood, and I'm all for it! I'm sure Howard Mackie will do this character justice!

See? See how optimistic I can be?!

First off, I like the look of Brother Blood and his priestesses. The priestesses more so than Brother Blood. I could do without the pony tail as it just seems like an affectation declaring that this Blood is young. Or maybe a samurai. But the amount of time he spends in blood, I think it would be a disgusting pain in the ass!

I think they should have stuck to the white cape though. It was a nice touch against the reds and blacks of his normal uniform even if the cleaning bill to get the blood stains out of it was probably astronomical. Or astrological!

I don't like the way he's speaking. "Talk to me, ladies." "Show me what you've got." Okay, so he's young and flippant. I like my cult leaders a little more ritualistic and somber. But I think the main note to the writers of all the Teen Titans related comics is "Attitude! Attitude! Attitude!" with lots and lots of lines underling the words.

On the next pages (which, if you're counting, makes two panels across three pages so far), Brother Blood is shown an image of The Ravagers and told by his priestesses that one of them is the key. Or something prophetically rigid like that. So Brother Blood is just another fucking Teen Titans enemy that is simply after the Teen Titans. The Teen Titans and their derivative super teams just need to retire and go into hiding. The only drama they ever deal with is caused by super villains trying to kill them specifically. The world would be a much safer place without them. Let's take a look, shall we?

Across ten issues, Superboy has only managed captured two super villains out on a murderous rampage. And that was just because he was pouting and not having any fun, so it was a diversion. Everything else has dealt with his being a pawn of NOWHERE.

In Teen Titans, Red Robin has merely been gathering the team before they ended up defending themselves against Superboy before being captured by Harvest. They did help recapture that clown in STAR Labs but since STAR Labs knows what they're getting into by holding super villains, that hardly counts as heroic. And now they've ended up on an island of dinosaurs. Not much heroism going down in Teen Titans.

And, of course, The Ravagers are merely fighting for their lives and their freedom right now. But now that a super villain other than Harvest's Real Ravagers has appeared, it's just another guy hunting them down.

Fucking comic book writers have gotten so fucking lazy. They can't even create super villains with motive and back stories. They just create a villain that wants beat up the super hero. Easy conflict! No imagination necessary!

DC Writer: "Wah! It's hard to figure out how to get the heroes to discover the super villains plans so they can stop them! It's much easier to just make the super villains attack the super heroes!"
DC Editor that doesn't really give a shit: "But why would a super villain exist just to risk a gigantic ass kicking for no real gain? Shouldn't a Villain want something that could help out his life? Try to think of the villain as a real person and not just someone who will throw away everything for one moment of revenge."
DC Writer: "OoooOOOoooh. Do I have to?!" *stomps feet*
DC Editor: "Oh, fucking shut up. Do whatever you want. I've got crops to water on Farmville."

Brother Blood, dude. Have some respect for the people in your organization. Without them, you're just some punk ass little shit sitting in a pool of rotting blood.

Can we get some interesting villain characterizations please? I'm so fucking sick of everyone having the same fucking attitude in these comics. It's just a matter of time before Blood is being punched in the face and he's screaming, "Is that all you've got?!"

I'm finding I'm losing energy as I read this comic. Every page is more poorly done than the page before. It's sapping my strength! Perhaps this comic itself is a super villain and DC is feeding off the energy of those who read it. Caitlin says, "Have I set in motion a catalyst whose reaction I can't hope to control?" and it sends my head into a tailspin trying to figure out if it's just an awkwardly phrased sentence or a scientist doesn't know what a catalyst is or if the whole point of the sentence is she's so lost when it comes to these kids she's trying to protect, she doesn't know what kind of catalyst to use to slow them down and the ones she's trying are just speeding up the crazy? And then they all get naked and jump in a river and it's obvious they all have glowing lines on their skins. This is something that would have been noticed as they took their fucking suits off. But no! They jump in and enjoy the water and then when Caitlin mentions it, Lightning freaks the fuck out. Really? You didn't notice the glowing lines on Ridge as you took a peak at his penis? Which, by the way, he DOES NOT HAVE! OH FUCK NO! No wonder he's so angry!

Perhaps his genitals are kept tucked away. Maybe that's why he's called Ridge?

While they freak out, Brother Blood's acolytes appear over the rise.

Meanwhile, Terra and Beast Boy get caught stealing bagels by a bunch of shotgun wielding goyim. Is goyim more offensive a term than redneck? Maybe they're Jewish rednecks because one of them really loves bagels.

Jewish Redneck: "Get your dirty mutant goy rojo hands off my schmear, you fuckin' faygeleh!"

After Terra and Beast Boy beat these guys up simply because they were trying to stop them from stealing their bagels, Beast Boy has another vision of Brother Blood capturing the Ravagers. That'll get the group back together! Thank writer's block for visions and glimpses of the future!

Possibly the best moment so far in this comic is the discussion between Caitlin and Ridge as they fight off Brother Blood's henchmen. Not the part where the henchman simply repeat the same thing about giving their blood for Him every few seconds (is this Brother Blood going to be an analogy of born again christians?) but the part where they compare these Blood goons to the Ravagers. And by best moment so far, I'm not saying it's Shakespeare. I'm just saying I could actually read two pages of this comic without having several mini-strokes and conniptions.

After the fight goes on for a bit, Brother Blood appears, yells, "Stop!" and the battle ends. He then heals Lightning and Thunder with a wave of, well, something. He apologizes for his mindless minions, points out that the name wasn't chosen by him, it's such a burden, and this whole cult leader thing is so hard, and, hey, would you like to join me for some tea? I mean, he obviously can't be a bad guy since he just healed everyone! Don't worry about the ominous Brother Blood name or the minions with half the skin removed from their heads who can only chant three different phrases and stab anybody they come near. This guy seems safe enough!

So Lightning and Thunder are mesmerized by Brother Blood as he cleanses them or heals them or something. And Ridge and Caitlin are frozen in place unable to help while Beast Boy and Terra head toward them, defeating another batch of Brother Blood's acolytes on the way. Beast Boy's forgotten his past but he's tied to Blood somehow. Also, Lightning seems to have gone a bit retarded.

Lightning's questions makes no sense in any context from the last few panels she was in. Mackie uses a four dot ellipsis where he should have used a three dot ellipsis. Plus, Mackie uses the double period yet again. *sigh*

The Ravagers #3 Rating: -2 Ranking. This comic wasn't particularly worse than either of the first two but I just can't abide the carelessness of it anymore. I don't mind reading and commenting on bad comics like Grifter and Captain Atom because the creative team are, generally, avoiding really careless mistakes. But this comic might as well be titled, "We Simply Don't Fucking Give A Fuck.." Yes, the title should end in two periods.

Oh yeah, and the cover is a month too early. Although now I'm really curious as to why the contraption has Ridge's legs spread since he has no obvious genitalia. Perhaps Blood was curious about that too and he stuck Ridge on his Gynecological Crucifix.

Frankenstein Agent of Shade #11

Hasn't Franky already killed a giant sea monster by stabbing it in the eye?

During their mission into the fourth dimension in the city of Untropolis, Velcoro was confronting their target while Frankenstein was falling into the ocean where he'll supposedly die. But he doesn't die. He survives because Nina flies to catch him using the trans-dimensional jetpack that allows them to breach the barrier between dimensions without dying. They end up in an ocean back on Earth.

This is the majority of the rest of the issue.

Frank and Nina end up inside of the Leviathan because Crowly told Frank that the message she received about Frank becoming a traitor originated in the Leviathan field office. Apparently the Leviathan Field Office is an actual Leviathan. Inside of it is where the Frank whines and moans about being composed of the parts of murderers and psychopaths. I don't know why Frank acts all emo because when Nina tries to cheer him up, he tells her his only interest is finding Satan's Ring. Then get on with it, you crying lump of self-loathing!

Frank uses a device called a M.R.H.I.D.E. which is a Mentally Retarded Heavily Idiotic Dumb Expression for the Dermal Reconnaissance Hiding for Influencing Disguise Expectations. Oops, look at that! I got it wrong by calling it a M.R.H.I.D.E. because it's actually a D.R.H.I.D.E. Stupid! Maybe Kindt should go back to just quoting Byron. Anyway, the first half of this incomprehensible paragraph just means that Frank wears a disguise while going about the city inside Leviathan.
Frankenstein's Monster eventually finds some guy he can rough up to figure out what's going on inside the belly of this creature.

Long story short: Frank is going to kill the creature housing this city.

That's all, folks! Except maybe Khalis the mummy gets teleported into the Leviathan to help heal Nina since she was injured in the dimension crossing. Also, the Leviathan is actually some Wizard of Oz type guy watching everything inside the Leviathan on a wall of monitors. Well, he should be easy to kill.

Frankenstein Agent of Shade #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. It's been awhile since Frankenstein has fallen in the ranks but it can't be helped. This issue was boring. And the cover probably should have been saved for next issue. I'm getting the feeling that a lot of comic book writers think that big stories are those that involve changing the perspective on a character or organization so that good guys become bad guys and vicy versy. Now, SHADE is already a pretty gray organization at which Frank and his wife are already pissed off. So it's not a huge jump to show that SHADE is actively making the world a worse place by hiding technology that could help millions. And then SHADE is probably using that technology for themselves. So now Frank is going to turn on SHADE and kill their Leviathan, rescuing old SHADE Agents and setting them loose on the world to help humanity. Which will probably brand him as a traitor! See? Self-fulfilling prophetic warning!

That's actually not a bad story. I think I'm still a bit grumpy from Liefeld's Grifter where suddenly Niko was a traitor with no real warning except suspicion that one of them had to be. She's the worst traitor ever though. Why save Grifter's life multiple times when the whole plan is to kill the Chosen One so Helspont can rule the world? Just help kill him when he's on the ropes, you dumb cunt! But why am I bitching about this here in Frankenstein?! It's like a secret being kept from the dumb-ass Grifter fans that like Liefeld's take on the character. Shhh! Don't tell them how I really feel!

Legion Lost #11

The Meta-Marines are the super hero equivalent of the TSA.

Last issue Timber Wolf was shot multiple times in the chest by xXsNiPeR69Xx or Gunner as she's boringly called in this comic book. And since he's a poor man's Wolverine, he'll be okay, right? He can regenerate, correct?

Brin is a dumb name. CLINT is so much cooler! Especially when the ink runs!

Chameleon Girl is a little bit upset that Timber Wolf was shot, so she transforms into an Ogre Magi and storms Homeland Security's Metamarines. I don't know if "Metamarine" is supposed to be hyphenated like on the cover of the comic or not hyphenated like how it appears inside the issue. I think I have to go with the historical non-veracity of the covers and not hyphenate it. Or maybe I'll just call them "The TSA Avengers" from now on.

"That's 'Love how you employ your shield magnetic grappling hooks as offensive weapons, SIR!'"

After Chameleon Girl is knocked out by Fat TSA Captain America with his marshmallows on sticks, she reverts back to her proper antenna girl form. The TSA Avengers stand around saluting and saying the pledge of allegiance and high fiving and drinking American brewskis when Tyroc appears on the roof to scold them. But he should know better! Nobody fucks with Fat TSA Captain America!

That's racist!

Meanwhile, Oz and Tellus and Gates and Wildfire and Dawnstar rush Timber Wolf to a free clinic where they treat the poor, the uninsured, and the illegal. All the people that The TSA Avengers can't stand! Fucking anti-American assholes! If you loved America, you wouldn't be poor, fucker! Get a job!

Apparently they treat werewolves as well! So Timber Wolf is in good hands.

Meanwhile in Antarctica (unless The Culling really did take places in the Arctic (which it didn't even though Lobdell is an idiot and had it taken place in both places)), Dawnfire and Wildstar are busy searching for clues to where Harvest may have gone. But they don't find anything but drama! Goddamned drama followed them all the way back from the 31st Century! You'd think the 21st Century's drama wouldn't affect them. They'd be all, "These 21st Century emotions are so tame in comparison to our 31st Century Mega-emotions!" But no!

Bah! I just came up with cute nicknames for them! Now I have to change it to Dawn Wolf and Timber Star!

Back on the roof with The TSA Avengers, Fat TSA Captain America acts racist and fascist. Is that update enough on that scene? Oh, also picture the American Flag waving behind him. Okay, maybe a few more details. He beats on Tyroc and Chameleon Girl with his marshmallow stick while denigrating them for not being human. What an asshole!

DeFalco continues with the Wildfire/Dawnstar/Timber Wolf drama when they all get back to the hospital by Wolf's bed. It's really sad. Not the drama! The writing! For the first eleven issues (with DeFalco isn't totally responsible for), Dawnstar and Wildfire are supposedly in some great loving romance of the ages. And now it's instantly falling apart because Dawnstar seems attracted to Timber Wolf. I can't care that Wildfire is heartbroken because his relationship with Dawnstar was never more than a few narration boxes here and there stating how they loved each other. The have had next to no interaction throughout this comic. It's laughable to think that this drama is supposed to tug at the reader's emotions. Plus, Timber Wolf actually has a penis while Wildfire just has roiling dark energy between his other roiling dark energy.

That's what I just said! No penis!

Dawnstar and Tellus go flying about looking for Alastor again. Perhaps DeFalco felt bad about ditching that whole story arc. Or he probably had a different idea and needed to bring Alastor back so he can possess Dawnstar which is what happens at the end of this comic. But besides the Tyroc's prophecy and Chameleon Girl's secret and Tellus's revelation that I can't remember, now Timber Wolf thinks that the members of Legion Lost have had their minds wiped and were sent back into the past as punishment for something they did in the future. Which would mean one of them is a member of the Science Police's Echo Team! So many mysteries upon mysteries and drama within drama and tragedy upon tragedy.

Legion Lost #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'm not sure there's actually a story here. The members just go from one fight to the next while each one continues to think about their own agenda which never gets fully explained. Tom Defalco writes like he's playing catch with his dog but he never actually throws the ball. The dog (you know, the reader) just keeps chasing phantom tennis balls (you know, plot lines! Try to keep up!) out of the park (the comic book!) and running into traffic (better comic books?) where he can get hit by a bus (Grant Morrison) and realize that his owner (Defalco!) is a fucking dick (bad writer!).