Justice League Europe Annual #1 (1990)

An annual starring the Global Guardians? Be still my heart! No, seriously. Be still. I'd rather die than read this.

"So why read this? Life is too short!" says everybody on the Internet who only ever seem to understand and accept their own compulsions. Also, in an excuse less about the character and makeup of my idiotic brain, as a literature major, I understand that you need to read things you dislike in order to fully form coherent opinions about what makes literature good and bad. I learned this lesson in college when I refused—and continue to refuse—to read Ernest Hemingway while still proclaiming how much I dislike his works. That may sound like I learned the opposite lesson but, I assure you, one day I'll read an Ernest Hemingway book and probably love it which is when I'll fully learn the lesson I learned by not reading Ernest Hemingway.

For the curious, there are two reasons I haven't read Ernest Hemingway. The first reason is the main one: I was assigned a certain number of books in the only class that ever assigned anything by Ernest (A Farewell to Arms). But the professor explicitly stated that you wouldn't need to have read every book for the final, just that if you'd read every book, you'd have more to work with while answering the question. I, being an arrogant prick, decided I would be just fine reading the minimum amount of books for the class (and I was!). Normally my position in college was to read every single book assigned so that I would get a huge sampling of literature which I never would have picked up on my own. But sometimes, being a literature major, you just had too many books to read at once (and also too much Nick at Nite to watch while reading them). So I never read Hemingway. The second reason which I almost forgot to mention was that Gertrude Stein believed Ernest Hemingway jerked off to cats kneading his crotch. No wait. Did I make that up? Is that something I read in the back of a Cerebus that Dave Sim hallucinated? Um, you know what? I only had one reason for not reading Ernest Hemingway. If there's a second reason, it's just that I couldn't be bothered after college.

Should I continue with this Hemingway crap? It's like reading Sim's Going Home and having to wade through all the Hemingway biographical junk and thinking, "Just get on with the Cerebus and Jaka relationship doomed to failure because he needs to die alone, unmourned, and unloved!" But I have one more thing to say: it might be my California bias as to why I haven't given Hemingway a chance. You see, I've read, and loved, every book by John Steinbeck, whom I consider to be the great American author. I refuse to give any time to any other wannabe for that title! Get thee behind me, Satan! And take that cat out of your lap!

Speaking of cats, I see that feral cat is on the cover of this issue. I vaguely remember there being a mangy cat living at the Embassy in Paris but not much more than that. Other than the later cover where Maxwell Lord shows his penchant for shooting things in the head by holding a gun to the cat's head and the cover saying, "Buy this comic or we won't shoot the cat." Maybe that wasn't Lord threatening the cat but you can see, judging by his later history (ha ha), how I could make that mistake.

I'll admit they look pretty cool. Except the nerd eating the bagel and drinking Pepsi.

As you can see from the scanned double page spread, Jack O'Lantern isn't as dead as Queen Bee claimed he was. She probably didn't want to tip off her hand that she was using him to recruit the rest of the Global Guardians so that Bialya can compete on the global superhero scene. I would question why they would work for a terrorist nation but I don't want a bunch of comic book nerds reminding me that Queen Bee can mind control people. And even if she can't mind control this many, she can mind control enough of them to convince their friends to give it a shot, perhaps helping to steer Bialya down a more justice-oriented and righteous path.

This first scene is to remind readers not only that three of the Guardians are currently in the "care" of Justice League Europe but also remind them of the names of the Guardians, as Dr. Mist carefully uses everybody's name each time he first speaks to them. But then it begins to break down as Mermaid shakes off the mind shackles.

It's probably difficult to retain control of a mind that's half fish.

I'm really enjoying the art in this annual by Linda Medley whose name I didn't recognize. But I've apparently seen her work before. Her Wikipedia says she did some work on 1993's Doom Patrol and 1991's Justice League America. So I guess I'll see more of her art soon! It's a really fucking great style that's right up my back alley. Also she's from Stockton, California, so that California bias I mentioned earlier is really kicking in. Later she moved to the Northwest. Just like me! We're practically twinsies except I draw like a Great Dane who had a Sharpie stuck between his toes and then was hit by a terribly spastic bout of diarrhea.

The whole meeting breaks down thanks to Mermaid and it turns out it's some kind of rehearsed brainwashing event. And Jack O'Lantern may not even be the real Jack O'Lantern. And Doctor Mist may not even be the real Doctor Mist. And, well, you get the point. I'm pretty sure Mermaid is real!

The scene shifts to Queen Bee's inner sanctum where the reader may soon be enlightened as to what is going on. But first, Queen Bee needs to fire Major Force.

Holy shit. Major Force was her fuck boy!

It always pleases me when writers are able to get something so sexual past the Comics Code Penis Implants. Not one of them got the sex toy reference here? DC missed a great opportunity to package a Major Force vibrator with this issue. Fuck foil embossed 3D lenticular scratch and sniff covers with trading cards included. Attach a sex toy to a Goddamned annual and watch the sales go through the fucking roof!

Pretty sure I own a Hello Kitty vibrator so it's not like there isn't a precedent. Sort of. I'm not going to rehash the reasons why that vibrator exists and how it isn't the same thing as if DC actually gave away one based on one of their Major characters.

What are Mermaid's powers? Luring men to their death with her perfect boobs?

Here we get proof that this is a new Jack O'Lantern. The earlier clues where Mermaid screamed that he wasn't really Jack and when he removed his mask to show, I guess, a person the reader isn't supposed to recognize were not proof enough for me. I needed the comic book to state it outright! Good thing this is an annual and DC knows half of the readers are going to be idiots who collect annuals and know nothing about the series. Not that I knew anything about the Global Guardians when I first read this. Or now, even.

Jack is a hired replacement loyal to Bialya, Doctor Mist is a replicant, and Owl Woman seems to be a willing participant, but the rest of the Guardians have all been brainwashed to believe in Bialya's righteousness and the Justice League's wickedness. The only hurdle now is brainwashing Mermaid. So the brainwashing scene begins yet a third or fourth time. So if being forced to experience something repeatedly is a form of brainwashing, is that what DC is doing to me by making me read this scene over and over?! I'll never like the Global Guardians! I'll like the Legion of Super-Heroes before that happens!

This time the brainwashing works and I can't wait to see the Global Guardians retrieve their teammates, especially with perky little Mermaid at their side! I'm so happy they're finally a team again!

Oh no! Casual mention of the cat! That means I'm reading this out of order! I thought they'd get the cat this issue!

In Tokyo, Rising Sun suddenly wakes up as Doctor Light and her colleague leave the room to have some coffee and Oreos. Fuck. Now I want coffee and Oreos. Fredric Wertham was right! Comic books are disturbingly influential!

The Wild Huntsman, who was being monitored in Belle Reve, wakes up and escapes. He escapes on his horse with his dog at his side. So were they in comas too? And kept in beds next to him? Either that's fucking weird and nobody noticed or that's fucking weird which is why they were shuffled off to the home of the Suicide Squad.

Meanwhile in the Australian Embassy, romance is blooming!

Oh, and Tuatara escaped from wherever he was being kept. The Monterey Bay Aquarium, maybe?

So if the three Global Guardians being cared for by the Justice League are beginning to wake up, why do the Global Guardians need to ask the Justice League to release them? I'm only asking that question so I can respond to myself by saying, "Oh! Because now when the Guardians ask for their friends, the Justice League will be all, 'Oh, we don't seem to know where they are.' Which will cause the Global Guardians to begin punching the Justice League in the face. Exactly what Queen Bee probably wants!" But I bet Mermaid's tits will be all, "This isn't right! Stop fighting! Somebody caress us!"

Is this a joke by Giffen and Loebs? Or is this some really strong tea?!

Don't get me wrong! I don't mean to suggest some editor at DC was fucking comic book characters and giving them prestige format comic books! I'm suggesting . . . oh, you know what I'm suggesting! I wonder who was up to no good?! No way it was Dooley or Helfer because they're editing this book and they would have crushed those panels! Unless by allowing those panels, they're saying, "Oh, ha ha! Good one! We would never do that!" Although now maybe we know how Neil Gaiman "sold" the Black Orchid prestige comic idea to Karen Berger!

The Global Guardians pay a visit to the Justice League Embassy in Paris where they're greeted by cheering French fans. They enjoy some tea and cucumber sandwiches as they await word from Captain Atom about releasing their comrades (who they know are already back in Bialya getting another rinse on their brains). Now they just wait for the Justice League to admit they're missing and for the gigantic robot the Queen Bee has let loose to attack, and the Justice League will be humiliated in front of the entire world! Or something. I often have a hard time understanding evil villain plots. Mostly because if I had the kind of money evil villains had to brainwash heroes and create massive robots, I'd just retire and stop annoying everybody who might punch me in the throat.

"Without a trace" implies that nobody at Belle Reve had the nerve to tell Amanda Waller that the Wild Huntsman smashed through fifteen walls while escaping the prison.

I'm not sure what's going on with Catherine's butt in the above panel but I think I like it? I bet five bees stung her in the ass just now.

The giant robot immediately attacks the Justice League Europe headquarters in Paris which isn't too suspicious being that the Global Guardians just arrived, is it? Some people say there are no coincidences which I think is a fucking dumb thing to say but when you're reading a fictional work, there truly are no such things as coincidences! How can there be? It's exactly why real people love to say it and its corollary that everything happens for a reason. Because they believe in some cosmic author instead of complete and utter random meaninglessness! They're basically schizophrenic on the most basic setting.

What I'm trying to say is Captain Atom should totally be suspicious about this robot attacking. He's already suspicious about the three Guardians in their care having escaped just before the Guardians arrived!

Obviously Metamorpho hasn't been keeping up with Grant Morrison's Doom Patrol.

The battle goes on for a few pages as the teams constantly fail to work together or bicker uselessly. A few times, I felt they were bonding but then somebody calls somebody else an idiot or a fool for practically no reason at all. At least the crowd hanging around outside the embassy seem to be enjoying the spectacle as they cheer and hit on Mermaid. But that's probably not their fault! She's a sexy siren! Getting hit on by nerds is probably her super power.

Elongated Man and Owl-Woman seem to be getting along okay, probably because Ralph knows Sue is fucking Captain Atom and he's lonely.

Probably a Kevin Smith movie.

Once the teams get the robot clear of the crowds by knocking it into the sewers, Captain Atom vaporizes it in one blast. With that kind of power, I'm starting to wonder why they need Elongated Man on the team?

Queen Bee happily receives the news from her soon-to-be-executed henchman the next day. Her entire plan was to have the Global Guardians fight alongside the Justice League to give them international credibility and to make people believe Bialya has a super-hero team fighting for truth and justice. And the Justice League have earned the respect of the French finally. Everybody's happy except for Queen Bee's henchmen who helped with the plan because they're all going to be killed so they can't leak any of this to the international press.

Justice League Europe Annual #1 Rating: F. And just like that, I almost liked an annual! I was all set to say how I thought the reintroduction of the Global Guardians was handled well. Giffen and Loebs even made them interesting by having them work for a terrorist nation while brainwashed. Given the right writer, a new Global Guardians series could have been pretty interesting. Maybe there was one after this and I never picked it up because, well, it's the Global Guardians! Anyway, I was almost ready to give this series a decent rating when the final page portrayed various members of the team hurling the cat from their rooms! Fucking monsters! If they don't want the cat in their rooms, let it out gently! Put some food in the kitchen for it! But don't fling it down the stairs, you dumb bastards! The French may like them now but I'll never forgive them! Except for Sue. She didn't mind the cat in bed with her and Ralph.

Justice League Europe #12 (March 1990)

Does making the word "son" bold and bright green change the meaning of this adage in a way that my genius blinds me to?

Sometimes in life, you might feel stupid but never admit that it's caused by your own ignorance and stupidity. Instead, try saying, "My genius often blinds me to more mundane or exoteric ideas!" Then you sound really smart because you used a word like "exoteric"! Except most people only know it's opposite, "esoteric," so they'll probably think you meant that and continue to believe you're an idiot, both because you said "esoteric" wrong and used it incorrectly! But really they're the dumbies! Although there's little satisfaction in knowing the person who thinks you're dumb is really the dumb one because they're too dumb to ever appreciate the irony.

Man I hope I used irony correctly there! I knew I was going to have trouble in life taking English 101 from Professor Morissette.

The last issue of Justice League Europe ended with The Metal Men confronting Metamorpho, probably because that's just the kind of idea you'd expect from editors at a DC pitch meeting. "What if Metamorpho, who can change into any element at all, battled Will Magnus's butt inserts, the masters of being specific elements?!" "Boy, that sounds super exciting, Dooley! Just the kind of genius idea that has kept DC the second biggest comics publisher in America! Way to go!"

That second line of dialogue sounded sarcastic but the speaker was really just being earnest and naïve. Earnest because the speaker is absolutely thrilled to be the second biggest publisher and naïve because there really were just two publishers to speak of in 1990. Oh, and also because he thought the idea sounded great!

I just spent about five minutes searching for naked pictures of Metamorpho on the Internet because I wanted to see what's going on down there under the Speedo. Either I have suddenly become terrible at Internet searches or Metamorpho's dong just doesn't exist, even in the deviant imagination of the entire planet's collective unconscious.

I suppose I could have just Googled "Metamorpho fucking Sapphire" but I have some class, Sir. I was looking for a non-sexualized image of his junk!

This is probably one of those images that got Fredric Wertham's mid-century underwear in a twist. But since it's Guy Gardner who has been thrashed to a pulp with some obvious injuries to his eyes, I'm going to side with Wertham on this one. This image should be illegal!

Mostly the previous image should be illegal because how dare Loebs, Giffen, and Sears depict Guy Gardner as somebody who gets his ass beat! He should be doing the beating of asses! Do you think DC often gets letters about thirty year old comic book issues because I'm about to vent my spleen so hard right now!

The Metal Men apparently approach every situation the way American cops do: they approach an individual with massive numbers, declare that they don't want to be violent but will if provoked, and then spit out a bunch of conflicting directions and attitudes. Iron is all, "We don't like violence but will defend ourselves if need be!" And Mercury is all, "Let's kick his ass!" And Gold is all, "Move away from the baby or we'll see that as us being provoked." And Lead is all, "We're going to beat the shit out of you but this is a Comics Code approved comic so I had to say sulfur instead of shit!" Platinum just looks on in horror as she no doubt is thinking about the way Will Magnus created several extra orifices on her alone.

I don't remember what Tin was doing because fuck Tin. Nobody cares about Tin. He's skinny, ugly, and less useful than aluminum. How had Will Magnus not scrapped him by 1990?!

See? American cops! "We don't want violence!" and "Don't provoke us!" simply means "Respect us no matter what we do and any sign of a rebellious nature will be seen as a provocation. Plus sometimes we don't even need a sign because we can tell if you're probably going to disrespect us."

Metamorpho and the Metal Men fight for a bit during which I'm fairly certain Metamorpho murders Tin.

That's definitely a robot corpse.

Meanwhile in Russia, Silver Sorceress uses her powers to escape the Russian gulag she and Blue Jay have been imprisoned in. She opens a portal to their devastated home world and leaves Earth. Blue Jay elects to stay because this Earth hasn't been destroyed and still has things like food and water. He escapes using his lame power to turn into a bird-sized man with wings. No way the Russians will catch somebody that powerful!

The currently emotionally crippled Animal Man and the perky if dim Rocket Red were knocked out by Guy last issue which is why they aren't helping Metamorpho. But Sapphire brings them around with her desperate whining for them to save Rex. But after they come to, and Animal Man does some serious whinging on about his dead kids, Java arrives. Being a caveman, he only knows one way to interact with others: club them to death. So a new battle begins just outside the observation window to Rex's son's room which is housing its own battle royale.

In the chaos, the baby's mechanical babysitter tentacle arms go haywire and toss the baby across the room. Java catches it and discovers just why the baby has been locked away from everyone: it has the power to transform other things into different elements. Java is fucked. But it's only a baby! It doesn't know what elements are! So Java's arms are now some kind of primordial slop.

Maybe it isn't as bad as it looks.

Everybody stops fighting because Java can't throw any more punches and the Metal Men are all, "Oh that's your baby? Um, uh, whoops?"

Simon Stagg appears to threaten everybody with law suits when Rex shoves the baby into his arms. Stagg screams in terror and his underwear fills up with slop but the baby has nothing to do with it. He, along with Sapphire and Rex, is immune to the baby's power. He holds his grandson and falls in love with it (which is the most unbelievable part of the entire comic book). Everybody celebrates Rex for being a hero and saving the day with compassion while Rex mutters and pouts because the kid had no effect on Stagg. So I guess everything turned out fine! Especially since Will Magnus made some robot arms for Java. Hopefully they don't have their own personalities. Plus I think Tin is definitely dead since that panel I scanned was the last time he's seen in the comic book.

And, yes, Tin being dead is part of "everything turned out fine."

Animal Man decides to take a leave of absence since he's dealing with a whole Grant Morrison plot over in his own comic book. And Rocket Red's family arrives from Russia. So now there's a couple of kids running around the embassy for Wally to play with.

Justice League Europe #12 Rating: A. Not a bad issue although—and I'd hate to say I hate belaboring a point seeing as how much I really love to belabor points—the only problem the Justice League actually deals with, like Wolfman's Titans, is family issues. But at least there's a big battle which includes Platinum yelling at Metamorpho for touching her tits. And the ultimate goal of the story was to give Simon Stagg a Grinch's change of heart. So now he wants to help humanity because he loves his grandson so much! Are you puking at the sentiment as much as I am? Probably not. I bet you think it's wonderful, you loser. And for the beta (cuck) story arc, Buddy Baker leaves the team for family reasons and Dmitri gains his family back. Oh, if only I had a heart to truly appreciate this nonsense!

Justice League International Special #1 (1990)

This looks as shitty as an annual.

How was younger me so bamboozled by comic book continuity that he kept purchasing all of these extra issues that invariably had nothing to do with continuity? Okay, I know how that sounds. "How was younger you bamboozled by continuity if he kept buying books that had nothing to do with continuity?" I see where you're confused. Younger me didn't know they weren't going to have anything to do with continuity. That might sound stupid and naïve but I really thought, "If I don't get every comic book labeled 'Justice League,' I'm going to miss out on something important!" I remember my main concern with death as a teenager was that I'd never find out what happened in my comic book stories! Imagine that! I was so young and dumb that I thought the stories would culminate in some kind of satisfying resolution instead of just going on and on and on with characters never actually changing or growing! At least my grandmother's soap operas actually had characters aging along with their actors so there was some illusion of movement in their lives! But with comic books, I was afraid to miss out on the next eighteen times Batman battled The Joker only to throw him in Arkham where he eventually escapes for a story slightly altered from previous issues.

Anyway, that's how I wound up with this stupid Mister Miracle World Tour. What the fuck is this shit? Why should I care?! Don't the Justice League ever do anything that has to do with justice in any way?! They're nearly as bad as The Titans who never once helped New York City and almost always destroyed part of it while fighting evil family members bent on revenge. Remember Councilwoman Alderman and how Marv Wolfman tried to portray her as the bad guy for wanting to shut down the Titans and send them packing from her city? Remember how every time she'd point out how dangerous they were to her city, we, the readers, would think, "She's really got a good point! They never do anything but fight their mothers and fathers! What good are they?!" Councilwoman Alderman was the true hero of that book!

The story begins with Manga Khan headed back to Earth. He's the guy who talks to himself a lot, has an assistant named L-Ron, and runs an intergalactic home shopping network. Apparently somebody on Earth has purchased something without reading the fine print so he's on his way to, I don't know, blow it up or something.

Kilowog is going to be pretty pissed off when he finds the monitor full of crossbow bolts.

See? My joke was riffing on The Huntress explaining that she has talents better suited to something else but those talents are mostly just shooting crossbow bolts! I needed to explain that because people who read comic books and comic book "reviews" are kind of dumb. I mean, have you read comic book reviews sites?! They're fucking boring (especially those guys at my nemesis site! I'd link the site but I fucking forgot who they were. My only clue to their identity was that they somehow loved Scott Lobdell and would often blow Neal Adams' post-New-52 stuff (which was frankly unreadable)). And have you read comic books? Holy shit do they suck!

The Huntress points out that the JLI monitor is fully automated and Oberon responds with, "Suck it, toots!" Then he stomps off thinking, "What a dumb whore! Thinking a fully-automated system could actually do monitor duty itself!" I mean, yeah, fucknuts. Perhaps if it can't, stop telling everybody it's fully automated. Sounds like maybe it's partially automated, or not-at-all automated. Fucking bald bureaucratic piece of shit.

I just wanted to add this as proof that Oberon thought the things he thought (okay, maybe not "dumb whore") and that Fire looks hot in her ripped-up jeans.

Fire picks up Oberon and kisses him goodbye so I can only assume that his underpants are now caked in semen.

Oberon laments that Funky Flashman is helping run Mister Miracle's World Tour. I guess that means this issue is going to be full of jabs at Stan Lee because Funky Flashman is based on Stan Lee. I think. I don't do research; I just rely on whatever my brain thinks it knows. It works out about 60% of the time!

Beetle convinces Booster to go on a date with him to "Medison Square Gardens" to see the start of Mister Miracle's World Tour. It's definitely a date because Booster Gold feels the need to point out that he's only after romance. No dick tonight.

At least I think that's what he's saying here. I can't fucking figure out any other interpretation.

Luckily The Huntress is on monitor duty so that she can see the alert about Manga Khan's ship approaching Earth. An alert that apparently couldn't have been automated to alert individual members of the Justice League via their Justice League Alert Thingamabobs. She informs Martian Manhunter of Manga Khan's approach and he sighs and rolls his eyes and contemplates suicide.

Fire and Ice agreed to be Booster and Beetle's beards.

Hoo boy. I feel a quick summation of the rest of the comic coming followed by a low rating and a slight depression ruining the rest of my night as I contemplate how shitty my life turned out. This special is just so fucking dumb. No wonder it's taken me over a week to read this thing. My subconscious probably remembered how terrible it was and kept forcing me to do other things, like play X-Com 2 or masturbate.

Anyway, everybody winds up on Manga Khan's ship wondering whether they should be kicking his ass or not. Except Guy, of course. He kicks the asses of a bunch of robots before somebody calms his dumb ass down. Because Manga Khan isn't here to fight! He's here to insist that Mister Miracle fulfill the contract Funky Flashman got him to sign where Scott agrees to tour the universe promoting "The Miracle Mister," a cleaning appliance. If you don't get it, that's okay because it's fucking stupid.

Did I mention Oberon was dressed up like a clown for the performance? Probably because Funky Flashman demanded it and nobody goes against Funky Flashman's demands or else they spend the next fifty years of their lives watching the corporation they worked for make billions of dollars off off of their imagination. Oh, even if they didn't go against his demands, I think that happened too. Not like DC was ever any better (because Funky Flashman is Stan Lee, remember? So I'm talking about Marvel here, and Jack Kirby!). But since DC has a character based on Stan Lee, they can write a comic book that says, "Careful about the contract you sign with Stan Lee! He's just going to use you to get rich and promote himself while also taking as much of the credit as possible! Not like us here at DC! You'll notice Marvel doesn't have a character based on any of our editorial management and that's not because we're all boring pricks!"

Since Mister Miracle has been Shanghai'd by Manga Khan and Funky Flashman, a robot Mister Miracle has been created to take his place in the pages of Justice League America. Which means this entire "Special" was created simply to explain how Mister Miracle is in space on tour with Manga Khan in the pages of his own comic book and still goofing around in the Justice League comic book. So all that bullshit about how I was always buying all the Specials and Annuals even though they were never much for continuity was completely wrong. This comic book exists simply for continuity's sake! And it shows because it's fucking terrible! And boring! Although Fire has a few good cleavage shots so it wasn't a total waste of my time.

Justice League International Special #1 Rating: D-. I hated every minute I spent reading this comic book. And now I have to live with the knowledge that I read it fucking twice.

Justice League America #36 (March 1990)

Some people can't look at this cover without feeling aroused.

I didn't mean to suggest I'm "some people." I absolutely do not get off on crushing small animals. I'm one of those absolutely cynical assholes who finds nothing sacred but who also can't stand to see any animals come to harm. So, you know, a sociopath. The other day I was talking about the movie Pig with the Non-Certified Spouse and my voice began shaking and I began tearing up. That same day, somebody I follow on Twitter linked to the Seamus Heaney poem, "The Early Purges", and by the very first line, I was fucking sobbing. It's an incredible poem and I absolutely hate it and you should never read it if you haven't and I'm sorry for even mentioning it here. And Pig may be the best movie I saw in 2021 while also being the most traumatic thing to happen to me that year. Recommending a movie like Pig, I take the same stance I did when friends asked me if they should try LSD: "Look. I love it but I can't recommend it to you because I don't know how you'd react to the experience." Is part of being a sociopath also finding extreme value in art that completely fucks you up? Maybe it's just my age. I'm so inured to the constant yet mundane daily violences of life that I need terrible and catastrophic experiences through art to even feel anything at all. You put a trigger warning on something, and I'm all over it! Except that the trigger warning is like Kevlar, encasing me in a protective vest so that my mind can soften the impact of whatever the warning suggests. I find more value in a work of art if I'm not warned about what that art might do to me. Let me in raw! Not only am I asking to not be wrapped in a protective layer, I'm asking for my skin to be peeled away and my raw nerve endings exposed! I need to fucking feel something! And boy howdy did Pig sucker punch the fuck out of my heart!

Fuck. I re-read that poem and now I'm snotting all over the place. Maybe this story about G'nort will be diametrically opposite in the way it makes me feel so I can balance my emotions back to "constantly numb." What is the opposite of horrific grief? Hopefully it's inexplicable rage because that's usually what most comic books make me feel. And the odds of feeling that with G'nort as the protagonist are pretty fucking good.

If you think my rage explodes because of the character, you've got that other proverbial think coming. I fucking hate how writers, especially Giffen and DeMatties, treat the poor guy.

Rude.

Let's not pretend I've never called G'nort an idiot (and the implied subject of that sentence is "I" as in "I shouldn't pretend" because I know anybody who has read any of my bullshit wasn't pretending I've never called G'nort (and every single other character in the DC Universe) an idiot). But sometimes I need to let a cloud of clarity drift down around my brain which forces me to realize G'nort has been treated unfairly. As Jessica Rabbit once said something of the sort in reference to her huge tits or something: "I blame the fucking artist!" Nailed that quote. Anyway, poor G'nort gets treated like shit by the writers who wrote him in a way that allows them to feel justified in treating him like shit. Hopefully this issue will be that issue where they're all, "You know what? Maybe we're being dicks. Let's maybe stop being dicks. Let's allow G'nort to save the day for once without treating him as if he's just a stupid mutt!"

Never mind. Let's just keep the status quo.

Granted, that was how G'nort is first introduced in this comic. I guess if they're possibly going to change their attitude toward him this issue, the writers have got to establish the vulgarly low base line, even going so far as to show G'nort has been driven to a point where he's accepted his "Earth dog" status. Maybe he'll re-appropriate the slur (although why we, as humans, have decided calling somebody a "dog" is an insult makes absolutely no sense. If I had a loyal, excited friend full of wonder and energy, why would it be an insult to call them a dog?! Oh wait. I just remembered dogs eat their own shit. Never mind).

G'nort has been wandering Earth because Martian Manhunter is apparently a much bigger dick than I thought. For some reason, I had it in my head that he was the calm, cool, logical Justice League member who kept everything running smoothly. But he's really an easily annoyed, quick-tempered, gluttonous asshole. I should have been keeping track of how many times he's snapped at his colleagues. He even snapped at G'nort, according to G'nort here, telling G'nort to "Take a hike, G'nort. A very long hike." But G'nort has grown bored and it's time to test J'onn's patience again!

Meanwhile somewhere in deep space, a being known as The Scarlet Skier (who is probably a parody of Black Racer and Silver Surfer but whom I'm going to take seriously, just in case. It's like when you see somebody playing an instrument on a street corner and you stand around pretending to be super into it just in case they're a famous person. You don't want to be one of those people who get caught not appreciating amazing music! And I don't want to be the kind of person who gets caught not finding value in intelligently written comic book characters) has been let out of L.E.G.I.O.N. jail. The first thing on his list of things to do after getting out of jail is to get revenge on the Green Lantern who put him in jail. I would probably choose something less strenuous but then I've never been in prison. Maybe you just get so angry sitting there you can't think of anything except eventually punching the do-gooder jerk who put you there right in their smug face. Also their stupid and ugly face in this case because G'nort was the Green Lantern that put him there.

I should apologize to G'nort for that comment. That comment was more aimed at the jerks drawing G'nort who have decided he should look like the kind of dog only 3 out of 10 people "Ooh!" and "Aww!" over (like a Pug or a Chihuahua) or the writers who have decided he should be the dumbest Green Lantern in existence (after Guy and Hal, of course). I truly have empathy for G'nort but also I can't stand the character G'nort that these jerks have made him into. I'm complicated!

See?! Everybody is so mean to him! I feel terrible that I joined in!

The Scarlet Skier crashes to Earth and begins a fight with G'nort across the city. I wonder if this comic book is where Dan Jurgens got the idea for the Superman/Doomsday battle? Reports begin coming in to the Justice League Embassy that a mangy dog is battling a man in bright red armor.

Sometimes when I criticize art in a comic book, people will get mad at me and defend the artist by replying, "Let's see you do better!" Well, let's see them try that when I say these panels are shit because you better fucking believe I could do better than this!

I think the entire Mister Miracle page was drawn by an intern and shoved into the middle of the G'nort fight because editorial realized they were one page short just before going to print. The art is crazily mediocre (if not downright amateurish) compared to the rest of the issue. It's so blatant that I'd put money on it if Vegas were taking odds on it (which they probably would do if I just brought it to their attention).

Remember that part where I said maybe the writers were going to try to redeem themselves by making G'nort a more likable, smarter, stronger, and interesting character? It's possible I was right or it's also possible J.M. DeMatteis didn't realize how fucking great this joke was:

G'nort killing it with the banter. Beetle and Booster should take notes.

Portrayed more fairly than they should be, the NYPD arrive on the scene to arrest G'nort (the Scarlet Skier having been pounded into the subway system by then, disappearing on top of a train) and don't try to kill him. G'nort even cracks a few jokes, being totally disrespectful, and they don't even sodomize him with a broom. Instead, the NYPD freely give G'nort over to Mister Miracle and Fire when they arrive. The joke is that even though the NYPD feel it's their duty to take him back to a jail cell and beat the shit out of him, G'nort is just too annoying. So he flies back to the Justice League Embassy cracking even more good jokes at other people's expense.

Good for you, G'nort!

Back at the Embassy, G'nort begins to describe his arch-nemesis and, well, whattya know? He's a Silver Surfer parody. Don't I feel stupid treating him seriously! Anyway, the point being, the Skier is just the guy who flies around looking for worlds for the Galactus parody coming up (you know, that hand on the cover!). And that Galactus parody is Mister Nebula, Planetary Designer! So he doesn't so much consume planets as redecorate them (which can be quite traumatic in its own way. Have you ever seen Changing Rooms?!).

Instead of calling Mister Nebula to Earth for a really ridiculous issue, the Scarlet Skier, having run out of power somehow, decides to end it all by diving off the top of the World Trade Center. But his life is saved by G'nort which just makes him feel even worse. The only space criminal to ever be arrested by G'nort, beat up by G'nort, and had his life saved by G'nort. And so he becomes the most humiliated character in the entire DC Universe (up until Lobo gets married to and ass fucked by Bueno Excellente in Hitman (I know, I know! Garth Ennis using date rape as a means of "besting" the most dangerous villain in the DC Universe is hilarious. I mean super problematic!)). Unless it's after G'nort asks him to be his sidekick that he really hits rock bottom.

Justice League America #36 Rating: C. Not only do the Justice League not save anybody at all in this comic book, it's not even about them! It's about G'nort, an acquaintance of the Justice League! Get your own comic book, you dumb space dog! Fuck, I can't stand you! You stupid piece of shit! At best, G'nort is worth a two issue Giffen mini-series that he'd stretch into six issues! He's the fucking Heckler of Green Lanterns! Maybe if he'd get some dignity, I wouldn't hate him so much! I mean, I don't hate him. Remember how I said I don't hate him! I hate the people who drew and wrote him so incompetently! He can't help the way he was created! Poor dumb, ugly, stupid space dog.

Justice League Europe #11 (February 1990)

Can somebody explain to the characters of the DC Universe that Guy Gardner has brain damage so they'll stop beating the shit out of him for his abrasive personality which stems from the brain damage?! I'm really getting anxious about all this violence against a disabled person!

I've never been any good at seeing the relationship between the penciller and the inker in comic books. But this might be a good example for me of how other people do notice the differences when certain artists are inked by other artists. Based on Animal Man's mouth, I'd say Kevin Maguire was the penciller of this cover. But the overall finish isn't up to Maguire's standards (which can be a bit on the cartoonish side (which I love!)). It looks like Bart Sears came in and knocked the cartoon out of Maguire's art in favor of his more rough-edged style. Of course, it could be the other way around too! But I'm pretty sure if Sears penciled this, it would feel more like Sears with a bit of Maguire's cartoony edge tacked on. What I'm trying to say is I used to never understand how anybody could tell what the fuck an inker added to a project. But now I understand! If your penciller is really good and the inker is terrible, the art is worse! But if the penciller is really bad and the inker is great, the art is somewhat better than you'd expect! So simple!

This issue begins with Metamorpho deciding he's going to go see his kid no matter what Simon Stagg thinks. And he also wants to "see" Sapphire no matter what her caveman husband thinks. He doesn't care what Sapphire thinks because he basically calls her a dumb blonde while working himself up into a raging mixture of frothy chemicals. The reader is probably thinking, "Poor Rex! Being kept away from his child! This is absolutely the story to concentrate on!" And then the scene changes and Dmitri is all, "Hey, Animal Man, why are you at work when your wife and kids were so recently killed?" Holy fucking shit! How am I supposed to concentrate on Rex's story now that I know Buddy Baker has come to work to forget about his dead kids for awhile?! Hey, writer and editors! Maybe don't mention that shit! Or, at the very least, stick an editor's note that says, "The following story takes place before Animal Man's entire family was slaughtered and he has a mental breakdown in which he meets some guy named Grant Morrison!"

Metamorpho makes a big show in front of Animal Man, Rocket Red, and Captain Atom about how he's going to go see his very much still alive and kicking child. He also more than hints at the amount of violence he's going to do to the child's grandfather as he storms out. This leads Captain Atom's brain to slowly whir into motion as it puzzles out who that might be. When he realizes Metamorpho might be about to kill Simon Stagg, he freaks out at how much bad press that will bring to the Justice League. So Animal Man volunteers to keep an eye on him and Rocket Red volunteers to keep an eye on Animal Man. Man, I hope Rocket Red doesn't get some tragic news about his family in a few pages.

Ugh. Confirmed that Guy Gardner voted for Donald Trump. Twice.

There is no way an ex-social worker and teacher of kids with disabilities would simp for Simon Stagg. No wonder Guy was rebooted in The New 52 to be an ex-police officer! I don't like Guy Gardner being an ex-cop because cops suck dirty buttholes but it fits his abrasive, aggressive personality better than "a really decent but boring guy who suffered some serious brain trauma."

Guy volunteers to protect Stagg from Metamorpho for two reasons: he gets to punch somebody in the face while feeling heroic and also he gets to punch somebody in the face. No wait! Three reasons: he wants to eat Simon Stagg's man cream.

Now I'm suddenly hungry for a Ding Dong.

Meanwhile in Moscow, a Russian guy named Joseph with actual emotions (something we were just discovering Russians had in 1990 thanks to the fall of the Berlin Wall and Billy Joel's song about meeting that clown. Before that, we just had Sting hoping the Russians loved their kids too) has decided to help Blue Jay and the Silver Sorceress escape the metahuman gulag they've been imprisoned in since they tried to save the world from nuclear Armageddon (because, as I noted, nobody was sure the Russians loved their kids enough not to start World War III). He's arrested but he drops some magic potion that will help the heroes of Earth-Marvel-Parody escape their cell.

Speak of the Russian devils! This issue is called "Family Ties" so that's probably Dmitri's family headed for Paris!

Now I'm suddenly hungry for Mallory Keaton!

Simon Stagg, according to the headline on a newspaper Captain Atom was reading, has recently produced a new super fuel that can change the world. But little does anybody know, the fuel is just Metamorpho's baby's shit. And to keep the baby shitting out profits, Simon Stagg has hired the responsometer boofing scientist, Will Magnus. And as we all know, scientists are completely amoral when it comes to science so keeping a baby locked up in an experimental box which maintain the correct conditions for it to shit super fuel is not a problem! Especially when you've got Platinum's responsometer whirring away eight inches up your rectum.

Guy Gardner busts in on Stagg and Magnus's nefarious business meeting to warn them that Metamorpho is on the way.

"I'd prefer not to remove the responsometers from my anal cavity but am willing if it becomes necessary."

To Guy's credit, he doesn't defend Simon Stagg's kidnapping a child; Guy simply doesn't believe Stagg would even do that. So, you know, typical conservative: conveniently ignore reality, create excuses and defenses for terrible people, and ready to believe the worst of those who speak the truth about their heroes.

First Rex visits Sapphire because how should he know the baby is kept in an Imipolex egg? He knocks out Java because good and then Sapphire points out what a jerk he was to wait so long to come see her and the baby. They make it seem like she's being emotional and unreasonable but I'm on Sapphire's side! Rex knows how she feels manipulated by her father and he just let Simon Stagg take her away and lock her back up with the caveman. Instead Rex decided to pity himself and pout about it for weeks. He forgave Batman faster than he forgave Sapphire! It's possible the image of Sapphire willingly sucking down fat caveman cock put him off a bit. Although that's kind fo the point, right?! I don't think it was all that willing! Fucking Rex should have stood up for Sapphire as soon as she sought him out!

Sapphire takes Rex to the factory where his son is being kept and learns that his son has the ability to transform anything he touches into any element. So technically he really does need to be isolated because he's a danger to everybody and everything. But technically he doesn't have to be helping to make Simon Stagg even richer. Metamorpho, who is already every element, isn't afraid to hold his baby so he decides to break the kid out of isolation. Dmitri and Buddy try to stop him so he knocks them unconscious before running into Guy Gardner.

Everybody goes on and on about the the ring being the most powerful weapon in the universe and yet you could beat Guy senseless with a whiffle ball bat.

Metamorpho beats the shit out of Guy Gardner because Guy is often written as being overly reliant on his muscles and aggression even though he's not actually an idiot. So once his ring's power can't touch Metamorpho, he decides to just brawl with a guy made out of metal and pays the price. But before Metamorpho can rescue his kid, he smells Magnus ass behind him. The Metal Men have come to stop him!

Justice League Europe #11 Rating: B. Metamorpho and Guy Gardner are two of my favorite characters so even though this issue had next to nothing to do with the Justice League Europe or saving the world, I enjoyed it. And I don't mind seeing Guy get his ass kicked if it's by one of my other favorite characters! What I don't like is how Rex acted toward Sapphire though. He could maybe be a bit more sympathetic to her plight! She's practically a prisoner of her father Stagg. It's not like Sapphire chose to marry Java; it's just another way for Stagg to control her. When Simon sees Rex breaking into the lab, one of the first things he does is kill Sapphire's access to her bank account. Hopefully Metamorpho will realize how huge an ass he's been and they'll all live happily together in the European embassy with Rocket Red's kids and Buddy Baker's memories of his kids.

Justice League America #35 (February 1990)

Now I'm tempted to deface every Rothko painting with a tiny ice floe covered in superheroes.

When Kooey Kooey Kooey Island woke up and floated away last issue, much of the infrastructure on the island was destroyed. The Justice League teleporters sank to the bottom of the Pacific but, thanks to Kilowog being some kind of a technological and engineering genius, remained powered on. This was unfortunate for reasons you're probably guessing at right now.

Max Lord survives this catastrophe.

I'm a dumb person reading a dumb comic book which creates two major problems when discussing this scene. The first is that I'm too stupid to know if Max Lord should survive something like this. The second is that it's a comic book so who cares because he does. The other people who have no problem with teleporting to the bottom of the ocean: Oberon and The Huntress. The people who teleported? Max Lord, Oberon, The Huntress, and Ice. Instead of popping straight up to the surface, Ice takes a side trip into a Hentai adventure.

Me at my first Anime convention in San Jose in the mid-90s watching the late night movie which followed me crying my way through Sailor Moon R: The Movie: "Oh boy! More innocent young people finding love and friendship! Um. Wait. What?!"

The Huntress interrupts a surefire erotic story arc by shooting a crossbow bolt through the Man-o-War's, um, head? It'll probably be okay, right?! Ice is delirious from either the poison stings of the jellyfish or the lady blue balls. Luckily everybody else is okay. Unluckily, none of them are useful members of the Justice League. Not that there were a lot of members to choose from who would have been useful here. The one time Aquaman would be handy and he's off fucking around with Beetle and Booster at the Kooey Kooey Kooey Resort, Casino, and Kaiju Experience.

Is this the reason Max Lord gives in Infinite Crisis for murdering Beetle?

What is Ice going to do about it?! She's still shaken from witnessing The Huntress murder her new lover! She's going to be useless! I mean other than to make an ice floe for everybody like on the cover, I guess.

Meanwhile, some creep keeps going through the Justice League New York Embassy garbage. He doesn't reveal what exactly he's looking for but it looks like he's collecting their hair! Maybe he's going to clone them to create a whole Justice League of Bizarro heroes. And since Bizarro versions of characters do exactly the opposite of their namesakes, the Bizarro Justice League will be a competent team of super heroes who constantly save the world.

Back on Kooey Kooey Kooey Island, Major Disaster reveals himself to Beetle, Booster, and Aquaman in the hopes that he can help anchor the island to a nearby underwater active volcano. Beetle flips the fuck out because he recognizes him as the guy who won all of their money in the casino and since Major Disaster is a known super villain, he assumes shenanigans. But there were no shenanigans other than some minor card counting by a dufus and if your casino loses all of its money to a card counter, I'm pretty sure that's on your casino for not establishing precautions against smart people beating your system with one of their own. Unless Big Sir's power to read cards is magic and then I don't know what the laws are because the real world has never had to make laws dealing with magical abilities. But even knowing what a card is before it is played can only help you marginally in Blackjack. It'll keep you from busting but you've got no control over what the house's hand is. So if Major Disaster and Big Sir busted the house, I don't see anything suspicious there except maybe a really incredible run of good luck.

Since the team floating on ice in the middle of the Pacific are probably going to die, Max Lord decides to tell The Huntress that he used his psychic powers to force her into joining the League.

The Huntress reacting appropriately to the information.

The Huntress, realizing the implications of a man with the willingness to use an ability in this way, intends to murder him. And, just for the record, Oberon doesn't lift a finger to help. This raises my esteem for both characters because imagine if The Huntress had snapped Max Lord's neck and tossed him to sharks here? Wonder Woman wouldn't have had to do it fifteen years later! And Blue Beetle would never have been killed! I don't mean to suggest that The Huntress wimped out like The Batman would have done and realized killing Max would take her over a line leading to killing more easily. She definitely intended to kill Max here in the Pacific but Max, realizing he's going to die, uses his powers yet again! This time he makes The Huntress let go and forget about his confession so he can go back to seeming like a guy who doesn't mind rape people.

Max doesn't tell Oberon to forget though and Oberon doesn't shove Max into the ocean which puts my esteem for Oberon back to about where it was. Which is to say I don't really think about him that often. Max promises Oberon that he'll straighten it out with The Huntress later but since Max lives to be killed by Wonder Woman fifteen years later, I'm guessing he never again broaches the subject with her.

Major Disaster saying what we're all thinking.

Remember that thing about how I was stupid and also this is a comic book? I've never been clear on how Aquaman's power works. He can speak with fish and ask them politely to help and they always decide to help because they're so dumb? Isn't that just as bad as ordering them to do what he wants when he wants them to? And if he can "speak with fish," how come he can also speak with whales and dolphins? Does that just mean he can talk psychically talk to anything that happens to be in water? But then he sometimes talks with lizards and things, the writer at the time always saying some dumb shit about accessing the part of the brain which evolved from fish? Is he just a less stylish Max Lord from the ocean who knows better than to coerce people and so sticks to lesser and dumber animals? Oh, and dolphins! I think digging down into how Aquaman's powers work really makes me hate Aquaman even more than I already hated Aquaman which was substantial. I'd rather believe he gives them orders and they slavishly have to follow his orders or else he causes them great psychic pain. He's a terrible super hero so why not just make him a dick as well?

Also, if Aquaman and the whales are "brothers, equals working together," how often does Aquaman help the whales to move or give them rides to their whale airports? I bet somebody has written an Aquaman story where Aquaman is helping sea creatures and I don't mean helping them in a "Hey, our habitat is being screwed by a super villain in his base" kind of story because that, ultimately, is just a normal super hero comic book story. I mean he helps some lobsters decorate the ocean floor for a big lobster quadrille or something.

Major Disaster causes the volcano to erupt just as the whales push the island over the lava flow which quickly cools underwater, leaving the island firmly attached to the ocean floor. And probably causing a bunch of underground pressure now that the lava can't vent which means it'll probably blow out the side causing a tsunami which will kill hundreds of thousands of Pacific Islanders.

While underwater, Aquaman hears a bunch of agitated sharks and swims off to investigate. So maybe he does help is finny friends! He hears some hungry sharks having trouble getting some food and he's off to help them eat Max Lord, Oberon, The Huntress, and Ice. What a good friend to the fishies!

Before being rescued, Oberon notices hundreds of thousands of dollars floating around in the ocean. So even though they'll all probably be dead soon, Max collects as much of it as he can find. Hopefully, for Blue Beetle and Booster Gold's sake, he'll just manage to get all of the cash back. Maybe Aquaman can demand his stupid fish friends help collect it all. And even though it's legally Major Disaster's cash now, I'm pretty sure Major Disaster won't mind just letting it all go, as long as nobody sues, beats him up, or kills him.

I mean? Were Johns and the other writers of Countdown to Infinite Crisis actually referencing this?!

Anyway, everything works out just fine. Max doesn't kill anybody. The Huntress doesn't kill anybody. J'onn doesn't kill anybody even though he threatens to murder Beetle and Booster when they get home. I'm starting to notice a trend with this group! They're love language is pure violence! That's what comes letting Batman lead the team through fear and intimidation!

Justice League America #35 Rating: B. Once again, nobody who didn't need saving based on the Justice League's actions was saved! Sure, a lot of people stranded on an out-of-control island were saved! But they were saved by Aquaman and Major Disaster and a bunch of whales. So in a way, the Justice League of America were the bad guys in this issue, endangering hundreds of people through their actions. And their leader, Max Lord, admitted to mind rape and probably should have been killed. At the very least, Oberon should have reported him to Batman and J'onn, getting him kicked off the team or imprisoned in Doctor Fate's tower. He's proven himself to be a bad, greedy, terrible person and yet he's still just going to be the leader of this group? Kind of spoils the entire enterprise, doesn't it?

Justice League Europe #10 (1990)

Judging by Power Girl's nipple, she's got tiny areolas.

After noticing Power Girl's nipple, I then realized Bart Sears draws The Golden Girls version of Power Girl and now I can't stop thinking about Bea Arthur's tits. I often think about how much I hate my body because it's only there to provide a home for my consciousness but I know one day it will betray me and fail to provide adequate living conditions for the essential me. And then I realize, "Wait a second. What has my body ever done to me? It's my fucking brain that treats me like shit! I never asked to think about Bea Arthur's nipples!" In much the same way I eventually matured and realized that I shouldn't hold any grudges with my mother because the reason my mother and I had such a tempestuous relationship was that she actually stuck around to raise me, doing all of the hard work to keep me alive, and my father, whom I had a friendly relationship with, ditched me when I was two and should actually have all the fucking grudges, I think I've finally realized I should have loved my body way more than my brain all along! Fucking tratior. Piece of shit asshole. I'm no longer feeding you literature, you gray douche! I'm going to hang out with my dick all day from now on!

I just realized the cover says "Story by Giffen and DeMatteis" but really the story is by "Giffen and Loebs" and I wonder how angry Bill Loebs was when he saw the cover of this...oh, you know what? I bet he didn't give a fuck. Look at how shit this cover is? I'd want somebody else's name on it too. Did somebody pitch this as the cover or did Bart Sears have carte blanche to do what he wanted?

Rocket Red: "What is stuff falling from sky?"
Power Girl: "I don't know! What is this?!"
Captain Atom: "Look at my posture! How would I know?!"
Rocket Red: "Picture me looking at butterfly and saying, 'Is this money?' Because being from 80s Russia, I am broke."

I know the cover of this comic book says "Jan 90" but remember that the date on the cover of the comic was always a few months ahead of reality. So this comic book probably came out before the Berlin Wall fell! Oh, maybe that's why all that money is falling from the sky! Some kind of metaphor about capitalism raining down on the rest of the world! Also our puritanical Christian bullshit which is why the Comics Code Authority logo is also raining down from the sky.

Okay, Loeb, I get it! You'd rather be writing crime novels instead of comic books!

None of that opening narration makes any real sense. "A warm, moist Parisian evening" just makes me think I'm having sex with a prostitute three days past her last shower. And the scent of money like a thrilling drug? Have you ever smelled money? It's fucking disgusting! I once found a rolled up one dollar bill and sniffed it hoping there were some residual coke particles on it and all I did was inhale the smell of the paper and ink of it and had a fucking migraine for five hours after. Unless that was from the residual PCP on the bill. Or maybe the dollar had been rolled up to easily slide up somebody's asshole earlier that day? Anyway, that's all speculation! What is not speculation is that I smelled money and I fucking paid the price. Not thrilling. Besides, "the scent of money is like a thrilling drug" makes the least sense of anything I've read today and I've read at least three Elon Musk tweets from The Last of Dying Twitter's Twitter account. So you know this makes no sense at all! I suppose Loeb is trying to say the lure of the money, or the possibility of large sums of cash, is a thrilling prospect, so much so that it's like an addictive drug, pulling and luring you into what will definitely be future trouble.

This issue is called "After the Fox" so I guess we're finally going to get a sexy member for Justice League Europe! I know, I know: that's Animal Man erasure.

Bruce Wayne is in Paris to attend a World Food Organization event to raise money for, well, food, I guess. The host is a mysterious woman named Vivian D'Aramis whom we learn so much about in two pages that you'd have a railroad spike through your head not to realize she's Crimson Fox (or Red Fox or Le Renard Roux or whatever). I hope the ancestors of that guy who got the railroad spike through his head which completely changed his personality aren't reading this because I don't want to offend anybody! The whole point of using the railroad spike through the head metaphor was to avoid using the R-slur and offending everybody!

Maybe in much the way I use the phrase "barn owl" as a secret wink to readers in the know that I'm using an offensive term, I should use "railroad spike through the head" to replace that other word but in a way where I'm winking in a really fast and distracting way to indicate what I really mean but also so that anybody watching me would think, "What's wrong with that spaz?" But they'd probably have to replace "spaz" with something like "guy acting like he just took the six foot drop with a noose around his neck" so nobody online tsk-tsks them for offensive word choices.

A bomb goes off, knocking the gigantic globe filled with money off the stage and sending it careening into the crowd! People will be killed! This is a job for Batman! But Batman is all, "I don't know. I could save them but at the cost of my identity? I don't know. If they're crushed, it's not like me not saving them is equivalent to me killing them, no matter how many Parisian philosophers point out that, yes, actually, it is."

Just in case anybody reading this comic book didn't know Bruce Wayne was Batman, Bart Sears shits out this terrible panel. Thanks, Bart!

Bruce chickens out and decides not to blow his cover while wondering where that fucking barn owl Vivian ran off to. Obviously she's no coward and went to get into her sexy fox costume to save the day, even at the risk of her secret identity being blown. Because, Bruce, some things are more important than your little set of stupid hero rules. I wonder if her parents were killed in a dark alley so that trauma ruled her life until the day a red fox smashed through her sitting room window and she yelled, "Sacre bleu! I shall become a fox because criminals are a cowardly lot and foxes are scary to like 5% of the population!"

The enormous glass ball smashes its way out of the building without breaking because who wouldn't use a bullet proof globe if you were going to fill it with money? That's like "Big Dumb Displays of Wealthy Charity 101"! After the globe crashes onto a car in the street and comes to a stop, a helicopter swoops in and grabs it with a crane on the first try! I bet that pilot owns like five thousand cheaply made Bart Simpsons dolls. But not to worry! Crimson Fox is on the scene to re-save all the starving people of the world! You know, first by collecting all the donations as her secret identity and second by recovering all the donations as Crimson Fox! She's a true billionaire philanthropist with severe trauma expressing itself in an ostentatiously public death wish display. Not like that cowardly Bruce Wayne!

Maybe it's just me, being an American and needing everything to smash me over the head because I don't understand subtlety, but she doesn't remind me of a fox nor is she crimson.

The helicopter pilot's name is Gaston which is funny because Beauty and the Beast wasn't out yet! Obviously I don't know the definition of the word 'funny.'

Bruce Wayne, feeling more impotent than when The Joker smashed Jason Todd in the face with a crowbar, watches as Crimson Fox tries to save the day. He eventually resorts to alerting Justice League Europe about the theft which is pretty telling that that's basically his last option. I keep thinking that I've bottomed out on how much I can despise Bruce Wayne/Batman and yet almost every time I read or re-read something where the writers obviously believe they're nailing his personality and character, I hate him a little bit more. I love terrible characters too but at least the terrible characters I love know they're terrible! Like Lobo and The Demon! The Batman is a fucking self-righteous, judgmental piece of shit. The only way I can cope with Batman existing as he does in the DC Universe is to believe that Alfred Pennyworth sticks his junk in every meal he makes for Bruce.

Before Batman's signal can reach the Justice League, Loeb and Sears provide the reader with a few pages of Power Girl's tits and ass. I mean a few pages of Power Girl and Captain Atom sparring as Dmitri and Ralph monitor her power levels. It's basically a couple pages to let the reader know how Power Girl's powers have changed. And also how hot she is.

Cool, cool. Good to know. But her tits are just as big, right? Oh yeah! Thanks!

Batman alerting them doesn't even matter because as they're getting the details from Catherine, the Justice League hear an explosion overhead, go outside, and see money raining down from a helicopter with a woman dangling from it. Imagine if Batman knew he was in this comic book how annoyed he be at the uselessness of his appearance in it.

Crimson Fox breaches the cab of the helicopter, slashes the pilot in the face, and the heli crashes into the JLE embassy, specifically Captain Atom's room.

How toxic is Max Lord that Captain Atom thinks the blame for this accident will be placed squarely on him by that asshole?

I really feel bad for Captain Atom. This is the reaction of a victim of abuse! If I were Captain Atom, being that I'm also a toxic asshole, I would blame this on Power Girl's recent loss of her powers. "We didn't have time to think up new drills! This was supposed to be where Power Girl, who used to be able to fly, would catch it in midair, when she was strong enough to catch helicopters, and fly it into the air where it would explode, when she could withstand that kind of explosion!" Then Power Girl would glare at me and I'd be all, "Ha ha! You lost your vision powers so I didn't just now erupt into flames! You loser!"

The criminals are captured, Justice League Europe makes the acquaintance of Crimson Fox, and Bruce Wayne finally gets away from the bodyguards long enough to change after the whole ordeal has ended. Crimson Fox is offered a spot on the team but she refuses. But only at first because Captain Atom embarrassed her by not getting aroused while she basically sticks her tongue up his ass. Orally, of course! I mean, you know, through speech! But later she rescinds her refusal after she sends Captain Atom a new bed with a note basically saying she's going to fuck him in it. Poor Sue and Catherine! More competition!

Justice League Europe #10 Rating: A. This was a good issue! A crime happened! A crime was foiled! Nobody got hurt! And it all happened so organically! Geez, who knew I was into comic books that basically amount to vanilla sex! I'm so boring! In relation to comic books, I mean! Sexually, I can't cum unless I have something shoved into my butthole!