Deathstork #15

A Hound of Death would make sense if his name were Deathhound.

The Review!
No change. The reason for the story's name, "Twilight", is revealed in this issue. Since Deathstork has gone blind, he's decided to change his assassin name to Twilight. I also think maybe he's a little bit ashamed of his name (his real name, Deathstroke! Obviously he'd be embarrassed if his name was actually Deathstork!) since he's now butting heads with a rival assassin who goes by the name Deadline. Seriously?! I suppose it's kind of creative in that it has a form of "dead" in the name which all bad-ass comic book assassins should have (except for Lobo) and it underlines the idea that all people have an expiration date, or deadline if you will (or don't. I mean, if some other person told me I should equate "expiration date" with "deadline" just to fit the flow of what they were saying, I'd call them a cunt (yeah, yeah. I go to that word way too quickly! But discussions about writing can get heated!)) and it's a riff off of Deathstroke! Stroke? Line? Dead? Death? Ha ha! Good one!

Also in this issue, Deathstork probably breaks some kind of sexual predator registry laws.

She's sixteen and a half, Slade! Way too old for you!

Other important plot points to remember for next month: Jericho's comatose boyfriend who he practically murdered for his supersuit has died but Jericho has taken him to Doctor Villain so that maybe he can have a new Origin Story; Rose has had a vision of Jericho covered in blood with a woman's body at his feet, so I don't think the wedding is going to go over great; and Wintergreen acts shocked that Deathstork is causing chaos at a Congresswoman's fancy party.

The best moment is when Deathstork realizes he's hanging out with another underage Teen Titan and he spends the rest of the issue trying to hide his boner.

Doom Patrol #5

This cover was better when it was a photo of a three dimensional physical thing by Dave McKean.

The Review!
After the first issue of this series, I wasn't sure I was going to like it. It seemed pretentious and trying too hard. On the "Tess being fair side of things," I realize that my love of the Grant Morrison Doom Patrol means that I expect any new version of the Doom Patrol to be at least vaguely similar. But how do you write your own thing while paying homage to a run on this comic that was absurd and horrific while never losing the thread of what it means to be a family? And not only that, why should I expect Gerard Way to believe Grant Morrison's Doom Patrol was the version he should emulate? Obviously he's taking a lot from that run: Danny, Jane, Flex Mentallo. By that evidence alone, I can assume that Way hopes to create his own iconic run that ties back to, and celebrates, Morrison's run. I was skeptical after the first two issues. But by the third issue, I was easily falling in love with this version. The fourth confirmed that the third wasn't a fluke. And now, after the fifth issue, I'm a huge fan.

I know, I know! This issue had time travel resolving a plot issue and I almost always lose my fucking cool over that shit. But this issue also had Casey burning down Danny's comic book store which can only be read metaphorically for Gerard saying, "This is mine now. Comparisons to past series were fine and dandy and unavoidable. But now it's time to put them away and join me on my journey."

This issue also had Larry Trainor living another full life while he releases the Negative Being into the world, something which will happen every time (the lucky bastard). And even in that world, Niles Caulder is manipulating shit!

This issue had Flex Mentallo flip the Hero of the Beach out!

This issue had Cliff Steele swear at a guy kicking his ass, after which he kicks the other guy's ass. You know, just like a good working class hero should do!

This issue had an astronaut feed mashed potato flakes to Casey's cat Lotion which turn it into a humanoid creature so that it can, hopefully, join the Doom Patrol too! Or become Casey's nemesis bent on revenge for all the times she fed it tuna flavored cat food when all it wanted was chicken hearts and livers.

This issue revealed that Ricardo's super power is healing through massage. Oh boy! I hope some day he uses that time travel power to go back and massage the fuck out of Rita to keep her from dying!

This issue had this moment between Casey and Danny:

Sniff!

And best of all (not really! But since it's the last thing I'm listing, I feel like it raises the dramatic revelation to titillating heights!), Casey's new origin story doesn't stem from Daddy or Mommy Issues at all. It begins with the love and acceptance of her mother and father and the knowledge that they are proud of her and will always be watching! Holy fuck! What the hell is wrong with Gerard Way?! He does know he's writing comic books, right?!

Oh dammit! That wasn't the last item in the list nor the best one after all! I can legitimately say that this one is the best one: Crazy Jane is in New Mexico running a cult of personalities! It looks like she's gathered up a bunch of people from all over who will be giving up their individuality to integrate into Jane. I know the comic book doesn't call her Crazy Jane anymore because people who aren't reading this but hear about it from other people won't be able to resist scolding DC and Gerard Way for using the adjective "crazy." But she'll always be Crazy Jane to me, and I'll always love her a little bit in a lot of different definitions of love. The way she saved Cliff, and the way Cliff saved Jane, back in Morrison's run will forever shape the way I view these two characters. I'll never not want to hug them and lie to them that everything will be all right.

The Ranking!
+5!

All Star Batman #8

That fraction really should be reduced to 5/3, right?

The Review!
There are stories that are told over and over again. Perhaps it's because the writer is lazy, or because the story holds too much truth to be heard just once, or because people realize that the audience constantly changes so that what is old to some is new to others. Time travel movies where something terrible is happening and the protagonist believes going back in time can stop it from happening only to find that by going back in time, they've caused the problem. Zombie movies where everybody eventually dies at the end because the zombies are an analogy of the inevitability of death. Movies where the protagonist is convinced they've gone insane and that the world they inhabit is all one big lie created by their delusional mind desperate to believe they have some kind of control over the world.

This comic book is that last one. I wish I were one of the new generations of audience who hadn't heard this story multiple times previously so that I could think, "Boy am I glad I spent five dollars on this story!"

Anyway, The Blackhawks are back, so that's cool, right? For some reason, they want to kill Batman. That reason will probably be revealed next issue.

That back-up story that's trying to convince everybody why we should like Duke keeps not convincing me.

The Ranking!
-2! I'm not sure if I can justify paying the exorbitant cover price to keep reading this comic book that keeps disappointing me.

The Wild Storm #2

This comic book just got terrible.

The issue begins with The Engineer flying off to investigate a government compound in Montauk, New York, because now that she's a superhero, she can investigate all the cool conspiracy theories. Maybe after she discovers evidence of time travel experiments in Montauk, she'll investigate the sexy properties of a vintage Orgone Accumulator. Something has to happen to get Angie's nipples constantly hard. It won't feel like a proper Wildstorm universe until that happens.

Angie heads into the basement, picks an electronic lock with her nanotech fingertips, grabs an ass-old bottle of water, sits on a magnetic Montauk Couch (it's more comfortable than a Montauk Chair), and cries. This scene will probably make more sense later when the reader has gotten more context. Or it already makes sense for people who are familiar with The Wildstorm universe. I call them "people" because I don't want to offend any of them with my real feelings toward anybody who read WildC.A.T.s. #1 and thought, "I need more of this!" Also, some people probably became fans of Wildstorm later through comics that didn't feel like you just paid a few dollars for a crumpled up script fished out of a garbage can and used for the basis of the biggest movement in comic books since The Thing shit on Alicia Master's chest because she asked for it. Miles Craven and whatever Covert Ops slash Business Venture he operates is trying to figure out how fucked up his life will soon become thanks to The Engineer stealing his company's stealth nanotech which his company stole from Skywatch. That's one of the reasons his life is fucked. The other big reason is that his company just failed to assassinate Jacob Marlowe, the CEO of rival company Halo. They make phones or something. So as you can see, the Wildstorm Universe is totally unlike our universe where businesses aren't just corporations but secret covert military operations vying for ultimate power over the masses. Also they're probably all Daemonites or something.

But don't worry (if you're worried about Miles Craven which I'm not sure why you would be. Because the story seems to ask it from you, maybe?)! Miles Craven has a plan!

I hope it's not wild! Or at least not written by Brandon Choi!

Jacob Marlowe also has a CAT to protect him. I bet half of the members of the CATs have names with "death" or "dead" in them! I bet they all have weird body dysmorphias as well! Maybe Warren Ellis will create a story element that explains why all of the early Image characters looked so fucked up.

The guy leading Marlowe's CAT is named Cash. I know that name! That name gives me flashbacks to having to read the worst New 52 comic book ever written (in a different way than The Ravagers was terribly written): Grifter! Although the pages with Cash on them aren't filled with barely intelligible Narration Boxes, so maybe it's Cole's brother, Not Cole Cash. Or Jeremy. Or something. More probably, Cash doesn't do the incessant Narration Boxing until he puts the colored toilet paper over his face and begins growling, "Call me Grifter."

Some person named Kenesha determines that The Engineer has probably gone to hiding in Camp Hero in Montauk. I don't know who Kenesha is but she's probably a member of Cole's CAT. She knows things!

Rufus Wainwright?! He's a tit man! I mean, he used to be!

Kenesha remembers everything she ever saw. That would be so great for masturbation. Also it would be so terrible for masturbation. I mean, I've looked at a lot of my own shits in my lifetime. How often would those images pop back in my head if I couldn't forget them?

Meanwhile, Henry Bendix, leader of Skywatch and all around monster, is slightly upset about somebody stealing Skywatch's technology. Zealot watches him (wild) storm out of the office of a Ms. Trelane. So I guess Zealot works for Skywatch. These corporations sure do enjoy espionage and assassination! I wish the war between Coke and Pepsi in the eighties had been this exciting.

Ms. Trelane informs Zealot that she's got a new case! She needs to hunt down The Engineer and figure out where she came from. Zealot doesn't seem too happy about this assignment, probably because the people Zealot hunts down usually wind up dead and Zealot doesn't want a person who saved another person's life at risk to her own safety to die because Zealot couldn't say no to her boss. It's a terrible position to be in, not being able to live by your own ethics because you feel trapped by your job. Isn't that right, Sean Spicer?

Meanwhile, Voodoo is making music videos or something.

Double meanwhile (unless we're at triple meanwhile which I totally think we are), Michael Cray (aka DeadViolence or DeathAggression or whatever) reveals he has an inoperable brain tumor. That will probably be important later.

Miles Craven's team discovers that Angie must be hiding in one of their bunkers in Montauk. So pretty much everybody is headed there to capture or kill The Engineer. Apparently the bunker is Majestic-level though so they might have some trouble getting her out of it, if they can even get to it while having to fight through all the CATs winding up at the door.

The Review!
+2! It's difficult to rate a comic book that is written as opposed to vomited forth from the face of a "writer" just trying to get enough words on the page to get their paycheck while making the story marginally interesting enough to not get cancelled. That's my main issue with superhero comic books. They tend to not give a shit about telling stories and wind up just telling moments. Superman saving the world from a cosmic threat by being more powerful and having more heart isn't a story. It's a moment in a story that could be interesting if writers were at all interested in telling stories that were actually about Superman. How often, though, do they feel as dense as something like this? Ellis is building a world. No, he's built a world. He's just, with Issue #1, opened the doors to the public. I want to ride all of his rides and eat all of his corndogs. If you get what I'm saying!

P.S. Look at how boring those two images I scanned are! Most comic books are afraid to fill their comic books with panels like that. The most action in this comic book comes when Henry Bendix glares at Zealot! Also when that character who teleports whose name I can't remember carries Cole and Kenesha into The Bleed on the way to Montauk. What kind of action is that?! This isn't a wild storm at all! It's more like a light drizzle on a day when the sun can't stay out from behind the clouds long enough for anybody to truly feel warm. But it's so much better than Batman punching Bane in the face for ten pages! Although, admittedly, it's easier to masturbate to the Batman/Bane thing.

Odyssey of the Amazons #3

I have no idea what's going on with the lower half of Hessia's body.

I'm not proud that I can't resist saying I'm proud that I resisted mentioning the Valkyrie's crotch.

The Review!
The Amazons' true foes in this book are the Jotuns. Which is why they must battle the Valkyries this issue. It's standard operating procedure in comic books. The main fight against the real antagonist would be over too quickly if the protagonists fought them straight away. First they need to battle allies who purposefully misunderstand something they wrote on the Internet so they can feel powerful and righteous. So the Valkyries and the Amazons battle for a few pages. Some Valkyries that were just introduced die and some Amazons who were introduced in an earlier issue but whose names I couldn't be bothered to remember also die. Eventually the Amazons would all die without the Valkyries ever trusting them if nothing interrupted the battle. Which is why, this being a comic book, the Jotuns decide to interrupt the battle. While they try to kill all the Valkyries and Amazons at once, Hessia manages to save the lead Valkyrie from being killed. That's the only way in a comic book to gain the trust of an ally who thinks you're the enemy. You have to save their life and then they say, "You saved my life? But why?! You must be full of goodness and honor!" Then they kiss passionately.

The issue ends with the Jotuns leaving the Valkyries alive and the Amazons dead. Which sort of seemed the way the battle was going without the Jotuns ever getting involved. All they managed to do was give Hessia an opportunity to gain the Valkyries' trust! What idiots! If only they knew they were in a comic book, maybe they'd avoid making such common comic book mistakes.

At the end of the issue, the Amazons are all seemingly dead and the Valkyries are all, "Too bad! Let's go home!" I think that means I can be satisfied that this is the ending of the series. All I have to do is Photoshop the "3 of SIX" bit on the cover to "3 of THREE" and I'm good!

The Ranking!
-2! Not that whatever story this series is telling is important enough in itself to not be considered filler, this issue was filler. So it was filler filler. I'm really having a hard time understanding why this series was green-lighted. I suppose to get a history of the Amazons that doesn't just include a bunch of white European women. Oh! I should also point out that the Amazons captured by the Jotuns weren't raped. Because rape is so bad that it can't happen even when it's obviously a plot point in this comic book. Instead of raping them to produce Amazon-Jotun hybrids, the Jotuns used sorcery! Whew! I can only take a story about rape if its metaphorical!

Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye #6

I've had quite enough with the blatant sexual imagery in this comic book.

Most people spend their whole lives seeing only what is directly in front of them. I hope I never stop living that way! It's much easier to be an Out in the Open Carson, accepting everything you find on the surface. Or you can choose to be a Cave Carson with your need for deeper meaning and desire to dig down into everything you encounter. That's a lot of work! And often, you only find what you were looking for anyway! If you were concentrating on discovering diamonds, you'll probably miss all the iron ore and uranium. So what good is digging deep if you only discover the thing you began looking for in the first place? It's better to just remain on the surface and simply assume everything you think is the way things are. In the end, the shallow and the deep person wind up in the same place but the deep person is grumpy and depressed. Sometimes they're even less sure about the world than when they began to delve! Because you have to think about something while you dig and usually that something is life and your place in it. Bah! That's just existential masturbation. I'd rather engage in real masturbation and then take a nap, unfettered by worry! Stupid Cave Carson! Doesn't he know it's better not to dig around for truth?

Being that I'm one of those shallow people who don't like to dig too deeply, I'm only reading this comic book at the surface level. So for me, this book is obviously about Cave Carson dealing with his impotence. If it has a more metaphorical meaning, I don't want to know about it! I just know Cave can't get his dick hard no matter how many caves he sticks it in.

The issue begins with a flashback to the time Edward Borsten stuck his dick in a secret Muldroogian cave and wound up becoming impregnated by The Whisperer. That's what he gets for not spelunking with protection. He even left his spelunking buddy at the vagina's entrance! That's not smart at all. What happens if you need backup because the cave turns out to be too much cavern for you? I hear that's sometimes a thing!

Now I wish I had children so I could scream this every other night!

Cave, Chloe, and Wild Dog guzzle down a few pints of Night Pudding so that they're high as fuck when they rush off to battle Paul Has A Douchey Ponytail and his Fungus Daddy. They need to stop them before they wake up The Whisperer and destroy all mankind. I hope if the world ends, Superman will feel terrible about deleting Cave Carson from his phone's contacts.

Me and the crew in the early nineties doing shrooms.

The Whisperer wakes up and eats Fungus Daddy. Well, that plan seems to have been shit. I suppose if I had been turned into an immortal pile of goop constantly in immense pain while never being able to catch the eyes of the ladies, I'd probably spend all my time on a task that would end my miserable life too.

Even Wild Dog winds up having Daddy Issues even if they only come out while tripping on Night Pudding. His dad (The Whisperer (who isn't really his dad! It's the drugs talking, remember? (and maybe a bit of a telepathy)) says, "I've left more useful offspring cooling in a sock, you miserable little punk!" Gross! I don't want to hear about Wild Dog's dad jerking off into socks! Unless maybe Wild Dog's dad is Idris Elba. Then maybe I'd like to hear more about it, and in greater detail.

DC Comics in a nutshell.

Cave and his buddies kill The Whisperer in an exciting action movie sequence that totally doesn't defy any comic book law (since there aren't any. Anything can happen in a comic book as long as it gets the plot moving. Also, many stupid things happen in comic books that don't advance the plot at all and just make me think, "Why did I spend three dollars on this thing?"). But they don't have time to celebrate because Edward Borsten explodes out of the dead Whisperer's head as some kind of telekinetic alien fish monster. Cave has no idea how to stop it. But don't worry! Cave Carson isn't the only main character in this comic book. Have you forgotten about his cybernetic eye?! It rips itself out of his head and storms off to finish the fight!

I guess next issue will be a staring contest.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm not sure if Cave Carson got over his impotence this issue or not? He has a moment where his dead wife mentions that she still drives him crazy, so she must have noticed he was popping a boner. Plus when his eye popped out at the end, it was like blowing a load but not as gross. Also, he defeated the gigantic phallus with his own drill. Plus Wild Dog screamed "Fuck you, Daddy!" during the fight scene and that's pretty much quintessential sex talk. I think the second arc of this comic book is going to be about Cave Carson dealing with his regained manhood.

Batwoman #1

With all the pussy eating within the Rebirth issue, you'd think at least some of Batwoman's head would be full of oral sex and rim jobs.

When I first began doing reviews for The New 52, I used to just tally all of the speed based puns in every Flash comic book and rate it accordingly. Based on how much pussy eating innuendo went on in the Batwoman Rebirth issue, maybe I'll do basically the same thing for this comic book. But the reviews will be sexier! They'll also be far shorter because it's much easier to make a ton of puns based on movement than it is to slip in tongue-in-cheek references to pussy eating and rimjobs.

For the record, "slip in tongue-in-cheek" would count as one.

I don't know why Marguerite Bennett and James Tynion IV are so obsessed with eating pussy. It's like they've done it before and they know how enjoyable it is.

I just hope Jeromy Cox doesn't fuck up the American flag again this issue. What is he? A communist? Or a guy who failed eighth grade political science? Maybe he was just distracted by all the pussy eating.

You might be thinking I'm using the phrase "pussy eating" too much. Don't shoot the messenger! You try reading this comic book and not have the phrase ringing through your head as you do so! Other phrases that Tynion and Bennett are forcing into my head with their filthy writing: finger-banging, anal beads, butt clitoris. No wait. "Butt clitoris" is one of the things I'm constantly thinking while reading Midnighter and Apollo.

Now that I've completely reduced all gay characters to their bedroom (and kitchen counter) habits, let's begin reading Batwoman!

This issue starts with an easy riddle:

Take a whole fist up her vagina?

Batwoman is currently hunting terrorists who have a serum that turns the user into monsters. That's probably going to be the premise of this comic book for the first five or six issues. Hopefully it'll change by then because I'm already bored with the conceit. Seeing people turn into monsters? Could that be a chance for Batwoman to reflect on her own actions? Will she question how much of a monster she'll become in the name of justice? Also, I mean, the whole "hero hunting down bad people" story is so old. It's like the only story comic books ever tell! What about a story about a hero hunting down the perfect cup of coffee?

Instead of snatching the syringe out of the terrorist's hand so that he can't transform into a monster and kill a bunch of people as they battle, Batwoman throws him across the market where the syringe is suddenly too far away from her snatching ability. Oh! Is using the word snatch close enough to a pussy eating innuendo? I mean, I know I didn't say anything about eating but, come on! Snatch!

Remember how there was a Bandersnatch in the Jabberwocky poem? That was funny.

Anyway, the terrorist injects himself with Monster Venom and Batwoman is all, "Oh man! If only I could have stopped this from happening!" She says it really loudly so everybody can hear and then they'll all shake their heads and go, "Yeah, yeah! If only she could have stopped this from happening! It was totally out of her control the moment she threw the guy too far away from her instead of just taking the syringe!" Then the Daily Planet headline will be all "Batwoman Fucks Up!" I mean, the Gotham Gazette headline will read, "Batwoman Totally Does All She Can And Still Five Hundred People Dead! Totes Not Her Fault!"

Batwoman isn't working alone. She's got Julia Pennyworth doing the Alfred Pennyworth job for her. No, that doesn't mean Julia cooks food that Batwoman never eats. It just means she says sassy and snarky things on the other end of the communicator.

Everybody but Batwoman knew he was going to monster up! She thought he was just giving himself an insulin injection.

Julia and Kate seem to have a more intimate relationship than Bruce and Alfred. I mean, sure, everybody in the world has a more intimate relationships with everybody else in the world than Bruce has with Alfred. But I mean intimate in a more pussy eating way.

Doing the dishes is innuendo, right? Like "licking a plate clean"?

Julia seems a little bit unsatisfied, mentioning that Kate often skimps out on "chores". I see the problem in their relationship already! Who would call eating ass a chore?!

I was tired of typing "eating pussy" and then I thought, "A-ha! You know what is just as good? Eating ass!" It's also classier, I think.

A woman appears and kills the monster man just as Batwoman is interrogating him. All Kate gets out of him before he's killed is "The many arms of death." The murderer gets away but leaves a knife behind so that Batwoman can find her later. I bet she has lots of dirty dishes.

Kate Kane has a sophisticated computer system in her Bat-Yacht. It can do almost anything! But don't worry, it's not like a normal comic book where you're just expected to believe everything without a good scientific reason. Julia makes sure to let everybody know that this computer can do unimaginably impressive things because "it's been the 21st century for awhile now." That's good enough for me! Now when the computer tracks down the origin point of the knife to the island nation of Coryana by the process of 21st century technology, I don't have to put my face through the wall while screaming, "WHY NOT JUST DRIVE A FUCKING MOTORCYCLE UP THE SIDE OF A BUILDING?!"

By the way, Coryana is where Kate spent her lost year in her early twenties. She broke up with the woman who runs the place (Safiyah or something. Anyway, it sounded like Sappho for particularly apt pussy eating reasons) but her ex didn't exactly like the idea of being broken up with. I bet the assassin's knife was meant for Kate! Not all assassins in comic books can be perfect killers who always do their job because their reputation is at stake. Some of them have to be sub-par wanna-bes.

Kate and Julia head to Coryana so Kate can get her whole Safiyah Nemesis story out of the way right off the bat. You'd think Bennett and Tynion would have kept it looming in the background for awhile but I guess they're the type of people who jumps into bed just looking to blow the load as quickly as possible so they can get back to playing video games.

The Ranking!
No change! I hope the second issue is as uninteresting as this one so I can drop this series! Not because I don't like Batwoman. The New 52 Batwoman series was terrific until the writer and artist quit. But I'm currently looking for any excuse to drop as many comic books as possible.