Earth Too: Society #20

How is this not over yet?!

So I guess we're not done with the everybody is afraid of superheroes stories yet?

It doesn't matter if they've seen Wonders or not, really.

This issue is a big fight with the Wonders coming out on top. Meanwhile the Bat-family are going to storm Ultra-Humanite's headquarters. Meanwhile meanwhile, Ultra-Humanite is going to unleash Green Lantern on the world so that he might destroy the Wonders. He's Ultra-Humanite's secret weapon.

What Did We Learn?
Why am I pretending this comic book is teaching the readers anything? I guess maybe it's teaching them patience as they wait for more actual plot each month? Perhaps it's teaching them to be frugal with their money by punishing them for blowing $2.99 on this boring garbage? I was really hoping it was going to get interesting on New New Earth 2 Too but instead it's just more of the same bullshit. Constant punching. Citizens afraid of superheroes. The barest minimum of story actually being told.

The Ranking!
-1! Look at that cover. Remember when Val-zod was a pacifist? I guess that twist was too hard to write around when 98% of all comic book problems are solved with violence.

Earth Too: Society #19

Tornado Lane is going to have a tough time going undercover.

The press should stop sending journalists to White House press conferences. Instead, they should just hire the guys from Jackass to attend them all. I wonder how many farts to the face or shaved hair ambushes or punches in the balls Sean Spicer could take while acting like he's in on the joke before he quits his lie-telling job?

Today on Tumblr, some anon told me to kill myself. Son, I've been playing Call of Duty for years. When you tell me to kill myself, all I hear is "Good job owning me completely!"

On New New Earth 2 Too, the Wonders discover they're still being hunted by The Sandmen. The whole "undercover" bit on the cover is just some time-wasting until the Sandmen can attack before they can actually do anything undercover. Meanwhile the Bat-family are rescued by Steel who turns on them for arbitrary reasons. The only actual reveal in this issue comes on the last page (of course) just to be shocking when it could have been revealed much earlier and provided for more actual story. The whole premise of this issue was to have the reader thinking, "Who is The Director?! Who is The Director?! He's wearing purple and green armor so it must be...well, it must be Ultra-Humanite since he was pretty much the only villain left from Earth Too.

What Did We Learn?
I think perhaps we learned that DC Comics signed a contract with Dan Abnett to write a certain number of Earth 2 books before they had solidified their Rebirth plans. Now he's stuck dragging out this Earth 2 story until he fulfills the contract and everybody can go back to not giving a shit about this version of Earth 2. Although I'm sure DC Comics will decided to throw more money at the concept by rebooting this world as Earth 2 Rebirth. If so, it'll be the first Rebirth book that I don't even give a chance.

The Ranking!
-1! Nothing fucking happened!

Earth Too: Society #18

The end is nigh! Although not nigh enough!

Batdick, The Huntress, and Batdick's son John have also survived The Casketing. They're wandering about the stark white world having a discussion that most heroes sorely need to have.

I was completely on Batdick's side until he called Helena by name while she's in her Huntress costume. Asshole.

The Langolier Sandmen attack the trio during which John yells at one of them, "Get off Aunt Helena!" Code names, kids! Also, um, maybe get your relationships straight. How is Helena Wayne your aunt? The Dick Grayson of New 52 Earth 2 wasn't the ward of Bruce Wayne. I don't mind this kind of misinformation being thrown around in Rebirth because Rebirth is a whole new crazy mashing together of old DC timelines (sort of?) but this book is still based on The New 52. I won't have this characters her playing fast and loose with their comic book reality!

Although I should excuse John. He is, in another reality, a six year old boy whose father never really tried too hard to find him when he got lost. He might be used to calling strange women hanging out with his dad "Aunt".

The other heroes elsewhere begin bathing the city in x-rays as they try to figure out where they are. Turns out the city forming around them looks like Old Metropolis. I don't know how "old" the "old" is in Old Metropolis but I'm willing to bet it's not old enough for me. It's highly doubtful these characters will be exterminated to bring back the super duper Old Metropolis of the original Earth 2. So things are probably resetting to the shitty New 52 Earth 2 that nobody fucking cares about. I'm still sore that I spent so much money on it and World's End and Society. How does one start a class action lawsuit against a comic book company?

Metropolis isn't even fully formed yet and the superheroes are destroying it. Fucking assholes.

The Sandmen try one desperate time to murder the Wonders who shouldn't be transitioning from Earth Too to New New 52 Earth 2. Or, hopefully, just a totally different Earth 2 altogether that maybe contains the World War II Veteran Wonders. They might be in their late hundred and fifties judging by the technology of Metropolis but that shouldn't stop them. They're Wonders!

Upon arriving, they're greeted by a new Steel who is probably going to pretend that they'll only survive if each one of them sucks his dick.

What Did We Learn?
DC Comics has no idea when to end a comic book. This really should have ended when the entire world went white. On the plus side, I think it's about to get much better than it's been since about World's End #1.

The Ranking!
No change!

Kamandi Challenge Special #1, Part Two

I have to read this in bits and pieces so I feel like I'm accomplishing more than I truly am.

I ended the first part by celebrating how I won't have to read "The Birth Bag!", Issue #2 of Jack Kirby's Kamandi. It was only later as I was coming down off the elation of having achieved the barest minimum of goals for the day (that goal being reading part of a comic book) that I realized the whole scam of this Kamandi Challenge Special: they're just reprinting a bunch of Kamandi issues! I don't mean for that to sound like I don't want to read these old comic books. I totally love them! I just don't want to read a comic book called "The Birth Bag!" Hopefully they'll just reprint issues that introduce characters that will be part of the Kamandi Challenge. I also hope Jack Kirby's estate is making money from this. I'm sure they aren't, DC Comics being one of the tycoons of the industry making money off the pudgy backs of comic book artists and writers, especially the ones before the Image Era.

My definition of The Image Era was a time when writers and artists (but especially artists and especially especially artists who can't write) decided they should get more money from the company profiting off of their ideas. I totally agreed with them and still agree with them! But I never really bought any Image books in the nineties because most of the art was the kind of art which garnered only compliments of how "kinetic" it was (I said most! Get off my wide-brushed paint brush!) and the writing was terrible. But it caused a surge in speculation which caused DC and Marvel to think, "Hey! People really love these comic books with terrible writing and 'kinetic' art! Let's copy what Image is doing! I mean, not everything! All ideas are still owned by us!" I think eventually The Image Era helped improve compensation for writers and artists. But I could also be wrong because I don't do research. That's for losers who think they're going to live forever. I'm not wasting my time on looking up facts to back-up my opinions!

I will say this about The Image Era though: it would pave the way for The Second Great Image Era which is happening now (this era is also called The Era of DC and Marvel's Loss is Image's Gain). Writers and artists save the work they're most interested in doing (which usually makes it their best work because they're putting all of their effort into it) for Image or, if they're a bit more ambitious, self-publishing. I don't many truly great innovative characters or story arcs coming out of The Big Two due to many economic factors. Although we'll always see some, probably from newer writers who need to work up to an Image deal, like Tom King's Omega Men and Tom King's The Vision and Tom King's The Sheriff of Babylon. Also probably some writers and artists other than Tom King.

I begin Part Two by looking at the map of Kamandi's future world. Based on what animals are ruling what countries, I think Jack Kirby took the same view of research as I do. The tigers rule the East Coast of the United States because why not? Then the lions rule the West Coast which makes more sense except I'm sure they're African lions and not American mountain lions. Middle America and the American Non-Coastal Southwest are ruled by gorillas which might be social commentary. Mexico is the Wild Human Preserve which seems about right since I'm sure the Lions, Gorillas, and Tigers don't want humans coming up and stealing their jobs and bananas.

Canada is the Dominion of the Devils which seems so far from reality that I'm beginning to believe this future truly is a crazy, upside-down world of danger. Alaska is now known as Strange Fire Area, probably because global warming has set fire all of the snow. One bit in the North that hasn't changed?

Intelligent Killer Whales off the Pacific Northwest Coast.

Australia also hasn't changed being that it's home to the "Kanga Rat Murder Society." The Pacific Island Nations have become the Orangutan Surfing Civilization. I hope there's an issue with Kamandi visiting those guys.

Other inhabitants and places of note: Snow Wizards in the Fjordic countries (those are the Nordic countries full of fjords); Polar Parasites in Moscow; Death Worshipers and Screamers in Africa; Wolves, Baboons, and Gorillas throughout Europe; Bulldogs ruling Britain; Savage bats, jaguar sun cults, and God-watchers in South America; and Ireland.

Kirby must have gotten bored by the time he got to Antarctica because he just calls the people who live there Antarctic Ice Dwellers. I'm going to assume they're sentient penguins.

The second story in the book is simply called "The Last Boy on Earth!" Which I've already noted is totally a lie because Kamandi is obviously the last girl on Earth. Kirby explains, with liberal use of exclamation points (which I'm totally in favor of), that Kamandi is named after the building she and her grandfather, the possible last people on Earth, lived in. Eventually Kamandi's grandfather decided to send her out into the world to reclaim their lost home.

Grandfather: "Kamandi, my grandson..."
Kamandi: "Granddaughter."
Grandfather: "You must go out into the world and find a woman..."
Kamandi: "Man."
Grandfather: "...to take your seed..."
Kamandi: "Ew, gross."
Grandfather: "...so that mankind..."
Kamandi: "Fuck mankind, Gramps."
Grandfather: "...can continue to grow and prosper!"
Kamandi: "You know what? Good idea. I'm out of here, you old freak."

This will the the spin from Kellyanne Conway and Sean Spicer when Trump brings about the apocalypse: "It was a natural disaster! Natural! Couldn't be helped! Stupid scientists didn't even see it coming!"

Kamandi heads up the Hudson River and finds a tribe of people. But they flee when she calls out to them. I guess waving and yelling "Hello there!" translates to "I'm going to fuck you up!" in their language of grunts and hand motions. It took Kamandi a few days to paddle this far in her little life raft so it must be a real pain in her ass when she sees the explosion from the bunker she left days ago and feels forced to go back to check on her grandfather.

"Am I mating? Is this mating? Is something pregnant yet?"

Kamandi returns to find looters have broken into Command 'D'! She must save her grandfather at all costs! Well, maybe at some costs. And maybe she doesn't really need to save his old patriarchal ass either, really.

Kamandi finds some humanoid wolves have killed her grandfather so she kills them. Afterward, she leaves Command 'D' forever. She steals the wolves kinky truck and hits the road for an American adventure!

Kamandi's first encounter is with Great Caesar and his platoon of tiger-men. They're riding horses who are probably thinking, "What the fuck? Why aren't we sentient in the future?! This sucks." Kamandi saves Great Caesar's life by killing a sniper and subsequently becoming Great Caesar's pet. I suppose if a dog pulled out a pistol and shot some guy who was about to shoot me, I'd feel obligated to take him in and feed him. Since Great Caesar is busy with his war, he sends Kamandi off with one of his men to be locked in the Royal City Kennels until Caesar returns from battle.

Kamandi is cleaned up and dressed by a sentient dog which must be humiliating. I suppose it could have been worse and one of the sentient felines could have licked her clean. She's then brought to Great Caesar's victory celebration where she discovers the sentient tigers worship a nuclear missile. Was Jack Kirby ever sued by the creators of The Planet of the Apes?

Kamandi decides the only hope at this totally hopeless point of being freshly washed, fed (with dog vomit but it's still food!), and clothed that the only answer is to kill everybody by blowing up the nuclear missile. I guess she loved her grandfather more than I've been giving her credit for. Kamandi's attempt at blowing the missile with a stolen laser is thwarted by Doctor Canus, probably because the stolen laser looks so much like a stick and Doctor Canus can't help but retrieve it.

Now kiss!

Doctor Canus decides to help Kamandi because he's a scientist and he'd like to do experiments on a talking animal.

This is unnerving. I'm beginning to hope all Doctor Canus wants to do is experiment.

I know I wrote I wanted them to kiss earlier but that was before I really thought that they might!

Inside the room is Ben Boxer. He has the ability to press his chest and emit radiation. It doesn't sound like the safest power which is probably why Canus keeps him in the closet. Doctor Canus calls Ben Boxer "a natural atomic-pile." I really hope Atomic-Pile is his superhero name.

Kamandi hugs Ben Boxer and cries and asks, "Grandfather says we must exchange seeds now." The end!

That's it for Part Two! Here's hoping this comic book doesn't become prophetic this year!

Batgirl and the Birds of Prey #4

I have my doubts that television would support Dinah's weight.

That caption wasn't a comment about how fat Dinah has gotten. Sure, she probably put on a few pounds while on the road with Black Canary but she's still looking fit. The caption was a comment about flat screen televisions and their structural integrity. Maybe she could have sat on the screen of a television before flat screens. Those things were massive and sturdy. When I finally purchased my first HDTV a number of years ago, I walked home from the store with it tucked under my arm. When I moved the old television from its stand to storage about fifteen feet away, I nearly threw out my back. Lighter televisions are my favorite thing about the future. After pornography at your fingertips, of course!

Oh, and, um, social change! Social change is the best! Go society! I would be out marching to support all of the women but I don't want to make it all about me. I can make things all about me without having to go out in the cold and the crowds by staying in and vomiting my opinions all over my comic book blog.

This issue begins with Helena Bertinelli giving a lecture on the origins of the Mafia. She isn't doing this out of the goodness of her heart because she knows we're all complete ignoramuses when it comes to the Mafia and she wants us to not be that. She's doing it because it's also the secret origin of her family. The Bertinellis were the original gangsters of Sicily, along with the Cassamento family. Instead of just linking to the Mafia Wikipedia page because comic books don't have the capability of clicking through (although if you're reading this digitally, I suppose they could. What's stopping DC Comics from incorporating that technology?), she fills the first page with ten Narration Boxes full of words that basically say, "The Mafia are like grapes. They were good at first but then they fermented and everybody became drunk with power. The end."

It's these snarky additions to the Location Blurbs that are forcing me to drop this comic book. No more. Please!

The Huntress has decided to set out on her own because Batgirl is all, "We don't kill! Blah blah blah." But the only thing The Huntress wants to do is kill Santo Cassamento. So she ditches the Birds of Prey pointing out that joining them is a mistake and she doesn't make mistakes.

That is, she rarely makes mistakes.

The Huntress comes to the same conclusion about how she, maybe, occasionally makes mistakes. She also gets sexually harassed by a snake-man she's trying to kill.

Which came first? The sexual harassment or the attempted murder? That sounds like a line from an XTC song.

Batgirl and Black Canary arrive to save the day with an antique mirror and Tiffany lamp. Somehow the bulb in the lamp is bright enough to nearly blind the half-snake woman. I guess her eyes are so sensitive to light that sh can only function in the dark. That explains why they took so long to attack the safe house.

The Birds of Prey drive the snake monsters away. Every time I read an issue of this new Birds of Prey where they battle the snake-people, I can't not think of the part in Crowther's Adventure where you drive the snake away with the little bird. This is probably four Batgirl and the Birds of Prey commentaries in a row where I've mentioned it.

Batgirl reveals she knows who The Huntress is and The Huntress is all, "How did you find out?!" Batgirl wipes Dick Grayson's semen from her chin and says, "A girl has her secrets!" Helena decides since they all know each other's secret identities now, it would be stupid not to form a team. I wanted to add "and a theme" to knowing their identities but "Birds of Prey" isn't really a theme when you have a canary, a bat, and a huntress. I suppose if you're ignorant and you believe bats are birds because they're terrifying, I can see you sort of shrugging and buying into it. But a canary certainly isn't a bird of prey. It's a bird that is prey to other birds and snakes and spiders and miners. But what the fuck is a huntress? I guess the theme is that they're all birds which is a slang term for women for some reason. Do women eat worms?

Now that Batgirl and Black Canary know The Huntress's real name, they get to hear every single private detail about The Huntress from her own mouth. The Huntress must be a demon and now Batgirl has gained total control over her by voicing her secret name.

I would keep reading this comic book if it were called "Constantine's Birds of Pray". Constantine would only appear as a speaker telling them their missions but you'd know it was him because he'd swear a lot and smoke would drift out of the speaker. He'd send the Birds to destroy demons and angels who have infiltrated the mortal realm in sunny locations so that the Birds could wear bikinis a lot. Chaz could be the Bosley character of this totally original idea I just made up so you probably don't know who Bosley is.

How are Babs and Dinah following this narrative? Without the pictures, Helena just sounds like she's got dementia.

Of course some gangsters broke in and shot Helena's father in the head so she could have some character development. Daddy Issues rule in the DCU! Her brother was also killed which is disappointing because nobody could make her laugh like he did by showing her a meatball on a fork. The Huntress says, "I will never know why they dragged mama out of the room to kill her." Because they didn't kill her, dum-dum! That's going to be part of a shocking twist later on! Sheesh. Don't you read comic books?

Batgirl gets a new lead on Oracle and The Huntress is all, "Let's go, family!" Batgirl weeps uncontrollably and Black Canary says, "Aren't you going a little fast? You have to buy me dinner before we can do hugs." Then they race off as a new team who totally trusts each other and loves each other! No more wasted story on will she join or won't she join!

The Birds have to fight through some robot versions of Batman's foes to get to Oracle's possible location. For some reason (I know the reason! To set up the joke!), The Penguin robot has been programmed to quack like a duck. Why can't he be on the Birds of Prey? He fits the theme better than two-thirds of the current team. Maybe he can't join because those Bat-grapples have a weight limit. He'd never be able to get around the city. Although judging by his height, Penguin can't way more than Batman in all of his Bat-gear. It's also possible Penguin's belly is mostly just Kevlar padding.

When the Birds arrive at the office of Oracle, they do not find Oracle. But they do find a collection of past Batgirl uniforms. Maybe they'll catch Oracle next issue. And then maybe Batgirl will stop fighting people stealing her identity. That's basically all she's done over the last year and a half.

What Did We Learn?
We learned that we can't believe a single thing coming from any White House press conferences over the next four years. I didn't learn that from this comic book but I figured it was the most important thing I learned yesterday.

The Ranking!
No change.

Kamandi Challenge Special #1, Part One: "Kamandi the Last Boy on Earth!"

A 40 page giant spectacular?! Welp, there goes my whole day.

I have a theory and once I tell it, you will all be on board. You will all think, "Of course! Why didn't I see it first?!" You will honor me and laud me and celebrate January 21st as Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Day! It might be a bit awkward to celebrate though. Because you might be at a bar getting drunk and eating cake like people normally do when they celebrate notable days when somebody comes up and asks, "What are you celebrating?" Then you'll say, around a mouth stuffed with cake, "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!" Then they'll punch you in the face and scream, "Asshole!" before sweeping the rest of your cake onto the floor and shitting in it. "You like it so much, eat my shit, dickface!" they'll scream around the strained grunts of a typical bar patron's overly difficult bowel movement. Then you'll be all, "What the fuck just happened?" It's at that point that the Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Elves will burst from their hiding places and sing Ozzy Osbourne's "Mister Crowley" in falsetto. Then a kind stranger will have sex with you because everybody gets to have sex on Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Day! Except for people who are put off by singing elves and beshitted cake.

Oh! I almost forgot to tell you my theory: Kamandi is not a boy at all. He's a prepubescent young girl. I mean she is! It's so fucking obvious. Just look at that cover. People think it's just Jack Kirby's style to draw effeminate long-haired boys who pal around with talking animals while trying to survive a post-apocalyptic world. But think about this! Why would DC insist on naming the comic book "Kamandi, The Last Boy on Earth"? Because they didn't dare admit to the young boys they assumed they were selling the comic to that the main character was a girl. But just about all of Jack Kirby's characters were actually females. Again, why call the character "Klarion the Witch Boy"?! Why add the boy instead of calling him a warlock? Klarion was a fucking girl too! And don't get me started on Darkseid. I mean, you probably don't have to get me started because I'm assuming you've already guessed my conclusion!

The Kamandi Challenge begins by challenging readers to read Jack Kirby's original Kamandi origin story about her origin. Challenge accepted, DC Comics Challenge Headquarters! This will be the second challenge I've ever accepted from the DC Comics Challenge Headquarters. I hope it's not as dangerous as the first Challenge where they challenged you to believe Benjamin Franklin was both a president and on the fifty dollar bill and that Batman couldn't figure out one of the Riddler's riddles that basically amounted to spelling BOOBIES on a calculator! Unless the Benjamin Franklin bit was something I conflated with something else in the intervening thirty years. I need to reread DC Challenge! Challenge accepted!

Kamandi's origin story was written, drawn, and edited by Jack Kirby. I don't mind that he wrote and drew it. That makes sense. But he edited his own work? That's a recipe for Bad Writing Quiche! Nobody should ever be allowed to edit their own material! If most writers edited their own books, they would include the semen stains on the typewritten pages because they were essential to understanding the creative themes within the way too long work they spent years on. I say "semen stains" because being a male writer, I can only speak for what comes out of male writers when they masturbate during the non-writing down times. Some day I hope to learn what comes out of female writers when they pleasure themselves! I suppose I could find a video online but I don't want to ruin the surprise.

Chapter One of Kamandi's origin story is two pages long. Wow! That's almost as long as one of my novels! This guy is practically Shakespeare.

I can't tell if Doctor Canus is a family name or a derogatory slur.

This is what happens when you edit your own material. You think scrawling "ME!" really hugely across every other page is what the readers want. The readers are not your unchecked massive ego, Jack!

Assuming Doctor Canus is actually a doctor and not just a dog pretending to be a doctor like half the dogs I've ever met, what does he know about alien lifeforms? Why should Kamandi take his word for it that she shouldn't excite it? My guess is he's talking from experience. "Look at how scorched my proboscis is! This thing is dangerous! Also, for your own edification and the satiating of your curiosity, this creature does not seem to have an anus." Doctor Canus (hey! That has "anus" in it!) is a typical dog with low self-esteem so he has to pepper everything he says with multi-syllabic words.

It's called a boner, Ben Boxer.

Instead of saying he's learned to communicate with it, Doctor Canus says he "established some sort of contact with it." Christ, Doc. Do you have to molest every form of living being that lands on your pervert dog island? I assume the contact is sexual based on all the dirty talk on the previous pages about how the alien made Ben "grow" and then "reversed" the process and then, I'm assuming, took a nap.

When you edit yourself, "we" and "us" are different.

Doctor Canus might be able to talk and remove gall bladders now but he still talks like an idiot dog would probably talk. "Look! It is one thing! Now it is two things! Now it is many things! ROWF! ROWF! I'm a good boy! I scienced!"

Doctor Canus concludes that living energy is the ultimate life form. I should probably accept that this dog knows what he's talking about. Jack Kirby didn't spend a few hours at his desk with a pencil in his mouth thinking, "How do I convey to the reader that this talking dog really knows what he's talking about? Oh! A high collar! And make him a doctor!"

The living energy just wants to go home but it can't find it's way. Ultimate life form, my ass! I almost never forget my way home when I leave the house. I'm so much smarter than this living energy.

Me the Alien throws a temper tantrum because it's upset. It's tantrum takes the form of an electrical storm and begins killing all of Prince Tuftan's adorable royal tiger guards.

Doctor Canus uses the most tried and true disciplining tactics he knows. Lucky for the living energy's tender proboscis, the future doesn't have rolled up newspapers.

Doctor Canus explains that Me the Alien trusts him because he is a scientist. I wonder how it knows he's a scientist? I know I couldn't tell a cool dog from a nerdy dog.

Doctor Canus heads off with Me the Alien to examine the flying saucer it came in. That's probably a good place to start if you're looking to help it find it's way home.

Prince Tuftan and Kamandi look at each other covered in sand and dog shit and share a moment where they both laugh uproariously at how stupid the other one looks. "You're a walking, talking tiger covered in sand fleas and seaweed!" "Well, you're a young topless girl in hot pants and go-go boots!" Then they laugh and laugh! Afterward, Prince Tuftan makes sure to mention how he hasn't laughed in a long time because there's nothing remotely funny about the end of the world. Except maybe the idea that a dog can do science.

It turns out Prince Tuftan is also a teenager like Kamandi. It's hard to tell since he's a tiger.

While the two teens hang out on the beach and smoke the reefer, gorillas attack Tuftan's ship off-shore! Fucking monkeys! You know they're on the villainous side because they're monkeys. Sentient apes and gorillas always wind up being bad guys: Grodd, Mallah, probably other ones. Unless they have the possibility to fuck a hot chick like in Angel and the Ape and then they'll generally behave. One platoon of gorillas storm the island to capture Prince Tuftan and Kamandi.

The monkey men work for the Wayne Foundation. Of course it survived the apocalypse! I bet Bruce's brain is in an ape's body now.

Chapter Two ends with the reader discovering that these are "Gorilla Commandos" and the reader falls all over themselves with laughter at the pun. How old is this comic? Is he the first to use the Gorilla/guerrilla pun? Probably! I bet it's why people hold him in such high regard.

I just realized this entire series wasn't just written by Dan Didio. I guess he lost his hold on rewriting all of Jack Kirby's characters when DC flushed The New 52 down the Rebirth toilet.

I don't think I'm reaching when I say there's a whiff of subliminal sodomy in this dialogue. The lead gorilla's name is, after all, Ramjam.

The gorillas are only interested in kidnapping Prince Tuftan. They seem to think of the humans as animals. Thanks, Trump!

To be fair to the ape, he understood the regular English language as well as the language of violence.

Kamandi rushes off to fetch Doctor Canus. Usually it's the other way around, amirite?! No? Anyway, Kamandi is flipping the fuck out like anybody who was the last girl on Earth being threatened by anal sex fixated sentient apes. She's all, "Dog! Dog doctor! Doctor who is also a dog! Attack! Kill!" Doctor Canus is all, "Well, this is most unfortunate! I'm busy doing science and those damn apes are interrupting the sciencing!" And Kamandi is all, "Also they're killing tigers and kidnapping Prince Tuftan!" And Doctor Canus is all, "But I'm about to make a major science breakthrough with science! Can't those damn apes wait?!" And Kamandi is all, "They're going to sell the U.F.O. which I probably shouldn't call a U.F.O. because it's totally an alien space ship and not unexplained at all and currently not flying either." And Doctor Canus is all, "What? They're going to sell the ship?! They must be stopped!" Fucking scientists and their agendas and priorities. They don't care about human or tiger life at all. They just want to make some kind of major science breakthrough so they'll get a treat.

Doctor Canus explains to Kamandi that they'll make Me the Alien fight for them. But Kamandi is all, "Is that right? Should we really exploit it in such a manner?"

Don't tell me. I don't want to know. I mean, I sort of want to know. Okay fine. I desperately want to know!

The fourth chapter is called "Satan in the Sand!" With the exclamation point which I feel I need to explain since American copy editors would insist the exclamation point go on the inside of the quotes even if I were using it to express my own excitement of the name being "Satan in the Sand!" Maybe. I don't really care what copy editors say. I edit my own writing.

The Gorillas move in to take the space ship when they're confronted by Doctor Canus and Kamandi.

"I am a scientist! I am not defenseless!" "He's a witch! WITCH DOG! WIIIIIIITCH!"

Most of the gorillas, being typical post-world morons, are all, "A talking animal! It must be witchcraft! Spells! Sorcery! Fake news!" But Ramjam, being the leader which means he probably went to college and understands science and how it can be used to manipulate idiots by telling them science is full of bias and agendas, points out that anybody can teach an animal to talk. So easy! Also maybe the scientist was using ventriloquism!

To keep Ramjam from Of Mice and Menning Doctor Canus, Me the Alien takes the form of a giant sand giant which attacks the gorillas. Gorillas, being a superstitious and cowardly lot, mostly run off to complain about how arrogant Doctor Canus is. But Ramjam stands his ground and throws a grenade at the beast. He also calls the grenade a "demolition dumpling" which is so poetic that I just flipped off Robert Frost for wasting so much of my time.

When the Demolition Dumpling fails to defeat Me the Alien, Ramjam and the other gorillas surrender. Doctor Canus locks them in Me the Alien's spaceship. Me doesn't seem to suspect that perhaps he made a terrible deal. That's his fucking way home, not a prison for bone-headed apemen!

Prince Tuftan arrives and explains how he escaped: the apes forgot to kill the tigers. At first it sounds like Jack Kirby just ran out of room and was all, "Fuck it! The apes probably lose interest in things quickly and wandered off. Day saved!" But instead, Tuftan was just pointing out that the only safe tiger is a dead tiger. So he and his fuzzy guards slaughtered the ape-men. Doctor Canus and Kamandi congratulate him but don't shake his blood soaked hand. Instead they send the prisoners off with him. Kamandi chooses to stay on the island and help Doctor Canus make a body for Me the Alien. That seems weird. It's easier to make a body for an unknown life-form than to fix its space ship? Anyway, I'm particularly glad I don't have to read the second issue based on the title.

Yuck! It must be pretty disgusting to be a bigger surprise than World War II.

That's it for Part One! Be here whenever next time is for Part Two of Kamandi Challenge #1!

The Ray Rebirth #1

This comic just reminds me that I never read The Ray miniseries published at the start of The New 52.

The Ray is a kid named Ray whose father was the Original Ray of The Freedom Fighters. Unless it's different since this is Rebirth. All we're told for sure in this Rebirth Issue is that Ray inherited an "allergy" to light from his father. That allergy is really just a super-power where he gains energy from light. This origin story is his coming out story. Tired of hiding in the dark because he's different, Ray is inspired by an old childhood friend to embrace his true self and stop fearing what everybody else thinks of him. Especially the bigots in the Sons of Liberty super-villain group who want to keep their small town bubble life from popping. So they're all, "Ew! Immigrants and gays! They're ruining our town! We tolerate them in this town but only if they shut up and stay in the darkness! I mean, we must because the Sons of Liberty totally believe everybody hates them, right? Which means everybody will vote against this gay, biracial guy running for mayor! But, I mean, just in case, we have to stop him from becoming mayor to save our democracy!" Then The Ray saves the day by shining a light on the ignorance and hate!

What Did We Learn?
We learned that people hate people who are different. That's the general message in comic books and it's getting pretty depressing. I like to see people as being generally good-natured and willing to get along in a friendly manner. But the Non-Certified Spouse says I'm always giving people too much credit and maybe that's probably true. She's from Nebraska and I'm from the San Francisco Bay Area. Before all this talk of "bubbles," I had learned after traveling across the country and meeting other people that I absolutely did live in a bubble. But the bubble was one where people got along and differences weren't a fucking big deal and even in the 80s, the San Francisco Gay Pride Parade was televised on KOFY TV-20 every year. And yet now that bubble is constantly being attacked as if it's the wrong way of looking at things. If I grew up in a fucking bubble then thank the God I don't believe in that I did. Because I view the world in an optimistic way where most everybody gets along, and those who are hateful or bigoted are marginalized. You lose friends when you have those attitudes. You aren't respected when you cling to those prejudices. And maybe you look inward at some point and wonder why you're so angry and everybody else seems to be having a great fucking time at the roller disco. Yes, I grew up in a bubble. But that bubble should be the shining example of what this country should be. That bubble should grow bigger and be embraced rather than belittled and popped.

The Ranking!
Now that I've said all that, I think I've earned a moment to be super immature: The Ray?! More like The Gay, amirite?!