Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #3

I hope this ends in weird sex.

The Justice League are now Amanda Waller's prisoners. This happened because a writer is writing this and it doesn't have to depend on facts or what would actually happen if superheroes were real. I know you're thinking, "Tess, since they're not real, how can you purport to know what would actually happen if Joshua Williamson wasn't directing the action?" To that I reply, "Don't question me, you stupid asshole!"

If you're wondering where I learned to debate so well, I'll tell you. One of my closest friends in high school, Soy Rakelson (that's not his real name! It's been changed to protect Roy Sakelson's identity!), was a conservative religious fellow. He taught me a lot about arguing because he argued a lot. The main things I learned were to never actually debate things point by point, always accuse the other person of believing the thing that you really want to argue against, and always direct the argument toward one of your pre-made logic traps that they will totally fall into so that you can say, "A-ha! So you admit the thing I believe and think you should believe too!" The only problem is that he wasn't very good at camouflaging his traps so you could see them from a mile away and nobody ever fell into them. But now, after spending so many years debating Soy, I've become fantastic at debating! That's why I totally won that pretend debate in the first paragraph against a pretend person.

While Amanda Waller gloats, Rick Flag and Katana are investigating The Catacombs. That's the Super Duper High Tech Cosmic Prison where Max Lord found his new friends, the Super Duper Suicide Squad. They'll probably find some clues which will give Amanda Waller a great idea to team up the Suicide Squad with the Justice League. Everybody knows the "vs" will eventually become an "us". I don't mean it literally so that the title reads "Justice League us Suicide Squad." I meant it in a cutesy figurative way that if you understood it, I applaud you. If you were confused, remember that stupid asshole comment? Go read it again!

Back at Belle Reve, Batman escapes from the Hannibal Lecter suit Amanda Waller has put him in. Then she's all, "Oh, oh! I knew you were going to escape but I thought you would have done it so much earlier. I was just having some fun! You know I wouldn't intentionally harm the Justice League! I'm a sweet lady, Bru...er, bats! Remember we're pals! Um, put that boomerang away!"

It's the Justice League so my fangender brain is disappointed that they were defeated so easily. But the other part of my fangender brain is screaming, "You fucking tell that Batjerk, Amanda!"

Later there's some comedy between the Suicide Squad and the Justice League that just isn't funny. It's not terrible writing or anything! It's just sort of "Yeah, yeah. I get it. Harley is supposed to be funny. The other characters laughing is a big clue." Then Superman has a touching moment with Killer Frost where I'm all, "Yeah, yeah! I get this isn't funny because nobody is laughing. I guess it's sweet, maybe? Or Superman being inspirational?" But then Deadshot interrupts because he's even more cynical than I am.

When has Deadshot ever seen anybody in the Squad die?! In this context, "survivors" has the exact same definition as "Suicide Squad members."

Max Lord and his Super Duper Suicide Squad head to an island in the South Pacific to pick up one last member of the team. The story treats it like a big mystery, as if the reveal is going to be spectacular! Except the reveal was already revealed in DC's ginormous pull-out poster advertisement. They're getting Eclipso. Now let's move on with the story!

Back at Belle Reve, Amanda releases the Justice League after speaking with Batman. She's shown him the Black Box footage from The Catacombs prison break and Batman has decided the Justice League should see the footage. Because they should probably stop this threat even if it means working with the Suicide Squad.

How is this guy a threat?! Wook at how adowable he is! Jus' wook at 'im! Who's my cutesy-wootsy Wobo?!

I fucking hope to Hell Twat Lobo never makes another appearance in the DC Universe ever again. Unless, of course, it's so Real Deal Lobo can kick his stupid fucking ass.

Max Lord appears on the security footage and Preboot Superman recognizes him. He gets really fucking angry too! Because Max Lord killed one of Superman's best ever buddies, Ted Kord! They were practically the closest friends ever. Aside from Booster Gold being Blue Beetle's best friend, of course! And aside from the fact that Superman probably never took him too seriously. But I think Max Lord called Lois Lane a cunt once as well, so Clark might be upset about that.

Amanda Waller reveals the reason the Super Duper Suicide Squad wants to kill her: they were the first Suicide Squad. Wow! Sometimes people refer to a concept known as "going overboard" and I think this might be the most overboardiest anybody has ever gone! That's a lot of fucking power to deal with international political bullshit. And how the hell did Amanda get her hands on these killers? I can guess at Rustam but the rest? Maybe Emerald Empress fell out of a Time Bubble with amnesia and was easy to manipulate. And I guess Doctor Polaris is sort of a normal villain but he's Super Duper because he's so similar to Magneto and Marvel has spent decades proving that Magneto is the most powerful human "villain" in their universe. And I guess she could have just hired Lobo! And Johnny Sorrow might have just been writing sad poems when Amanda was all, "Hey, Johnny Truant? I've got your meaning of life right here!" So, yeah, I guess this Squad's origin is totally explainable!

The Review
+1 Ranking. I'm so happy that Real Deal Lobo is back that this book could have been written by Ann Nocenti and I would be excited. Although now I'm sort of wishing it had been written by Ann Nocenti because I miss her incomprehensible dialogue and her inability to actually write the story she tells people she's writing in interviews. Why was I so hard on her?! You never know what you've got until it's gone! My sweet, sweet Ann!

Nightwing #12

I didn't know whales had such nice tits.

The Review!
No change. Nightwing teams up with the Run-Offs to investigate the murders with which their friends have been framed. While doing this, they encounter their old friend, The Orca, who nearly defeats them. But thanks to a plucky chipmunk named Goob, the day is saved! Except the day isn't saved for the third person murdered in the last three nights. And this time, they were killed in a way that will get Thrill Devil framed. Plus, Dick encountered Cherry Annabel, employee of the Convention and Tourism Bureau. She's the one who decided he should be part of their ad campaign and also another woman he's probably going to fück.

This advert got me excited for a comic book in a way that I haven't been excited for a comic book in a long time. And, no, it didn't involve boners.

Nightwing #11

Well the names have all changed since you hung around, but those dreams have remained and they've turned around. Who'd have thought they'd lead ya back here where we need ya?

The Review!
In this issue, the Blüdhaven Tourist Board comes up with a new slogan and billboard:

Compare this to my slogan I came up with last commentary: “Come to Blüdhaven for the hookers, blow, and casinos! Stay to catch a glimpse of Nightwing’s ass!” Grandmaster Touism Slogan Comer Upper Wither!

Cherry, the Tourism Board person, suggests that the billboard picture might be better with a shot of Nightwing from the back. So see? I'm even better at this than I first thought!

This issue, Nightwing decides to help investigate Grimm's declarations of innocence. James Nice, Dick Grayson's coworker, would like Nightwing to help the super-villains gone good support group. But Dick is waffling because he just got out of a bad relationship with a super-villain. But he's completely attracted to Defacer, Shawn Tsang, who runs the group and hired Dick Grayson as a volunteer for the non-super-villain side of her organization. He thought his life would be less complicated moving to a place where crime was rampant but he's discovering a city without a Batman beating the shit out of anybody who breaks the slightest law is obviously more ethically gray than Gotham.

Wouldn't it be better to live across from a home for the blind?

Now Nightwing has offered to help The Run-Offs, the super-villains trying to restart life in Blüdhaven. But then Defacer gets arrested for another murder before he can fuck her. Or she can fuck him! I don't mean to objectify her by literally making her the object of that fucking sentence. She wants him just as much as he wants her.

Meanwhile, the Whale's Enders, the toughest street gang in the city, have decided that they don't want any heroes getting ideas about moving to their turf. So they send The Orca off to kill Nightwing. The Orca's real name is Grace and she was just recently a member of The Run-Offs trying to make her life better. So I guess next issue she'll either kill Dick or be patronized by him. Probably not both and maybe neither. I think Dick is trying to be friendly without appearing smug these days.

No rank change this week because of reasons I've mentioned previously. It's still #3 out of however many comic books I read each month, so if you're actually looking for a recommendation from somebody who knows what they're talking about, you should probably Google "comic book reviews."

Nightwing #10

I don't think I've ever read any Blüdhaven stories but I'm already angry that I have to learn the ALT code for the u with an umlaut.

After learning about Blüdhaven from Preboot Superman, Dick Grayson decides it's the place for him! He's heard that what happens in Blüdhaven stays in Blüdhaven (probably because what happens is usually murder and what stays is the corpse thrown into a concrete foundation being laid) and that totally sounds like the Dick Grayson way. Because lately, the Dick Grayson way has been more like the James Bond way. He wants to get back to familiar territory and the best way to do that is to move to someplace completely foreign to him.

Dick decides to get a job volunteering with a program that helps teens stay out of trouble. He nails the interview and, later, probably the boss.

Are there sexual harassment policies in place for trying to fuck volunteers to an organization? It's okay to bang them if you're not paying them, right?!

Dick Grayson is going to get so much püssy in Blüdhaven.

Another person Dick will be working with at Don't Let Teenagers Become Violent And Steal My Things Headquarters is a guy named James Nice. That's suspicious! You don't get a name like Nice without being a cold-hearted dildo puncher. I should know because my last name is...um...it's just Tess, actually. Never mind. Forget I said anything. Although, seriously, with all the links to my old websites and my Twitter account and the name Grunion Guy and my Xbox Live Handle and who knows what other things (like probably mentioning my name directly in an early review when I was drunk or something), it wouldn't take much effort for a stalker to figure out who I am. So why haven't I been stalked yet? So disappointing.

After Dick leaves, James and Shawn are all, "We should wear our supervillain costumes to the meeting tonight to show that we're in control of our supervillain tendencies! It'll help the teenage supervillains we're helping to understand that they can also avoid being violent and stealing other people's things. Maybe we can even convince them that they're superheroes instead of superzeroes! That's such a great slogan that it's probably already been copyrighted and now our organization is going to be sued and we'll all go back to our lives of crime. I guess that's not all bad seeing as how we live in Blühaven, Crime Capital of places with umlauts in their name."

Dick goes home to learn that normal life is too boring to live for a ward of Bruce Wayne's who was raised in a traveling circus to be a Talon and slept with a dwarf throughout his teen years. So he'll probably be out fighting crime before you can type the ALT code for a u with an umlaut over it.

Meanwhile, the Blüdhaven mayor is having a meeting with his staff to ensure that Blüdhaven doesn't become too family friendly in it's new campaign to lure families to the strip.

Nice bit of writing, Tim Seeley, to cover the fact that you don't know what "on fleek" means! Or that you just didn't care enough to look it up because it's fucking stupid. Slang doesn't prove that you're cool and in the know. Slang only means you're an unimaginative chump who wants to fit in so badly that you'll say stupid shit like "fleek" to describe whatever the hell is fleeky.

Being an older person, the only reason to use young people slang is to annoy the fuck out of them. But just because it's the only reason, it doesn't mean it's not a good reason. Making teenagers cringe is a healthy adult pastime, especially when they think they're the cool ones for recognizing a cringe-worthy moment. Oh, we know everything we do that makes you cringe, young people. It's the only reason we do any of it.

Searching my site, I used "on fleek" once when I mentioned how I have never said it. Besides, it was almost certainly uncool to say by the time I even learned about it! That's another part of the fun of using youthful slang. By the time adults know about it, it's been abandoned by the youth. We all know it but the youth think we still somehow think the slang is still en vogue. Super cringe points!

Marvel comics might have a case for suing DC Comics since Mayor Madrigal is basically Perry White. I mean J. Jonah Jameson!

That last paragraph (which was only a sentence) is for people who think I'm stupid and unsubtle. It's both proof that I am to people who think that and proof that I am not because there's a whole underbelly of criticism against fangenders and their Marvel vs DC war in that sentence. Paragraph!

Thankfully, some crime gets committed near Dick's new place, so he dons his costume and exits the window of his apartment in his Nightwing kit. So I guess he doesn't give a shit about his secret identity, does he? People are going to notice shit like that! And some of those people are going to be curious enough to figure out which window that apartment belongs to. And some of those people are going to earn big money selling the information to mob bosses.

The crime was committed by a talking ape who Dick quickly takes down for the Blüdhaven police. The ape is Gorilla Grimm from Gorilla City. I don't mean to sound racist in so many fucking ways I can't even fathom it but how does Dick recognize one Gorilla from Gorilla City over another? I would have sworn this was Grodd except that Grodd would never wear a wife-beater and a trucker's cap. Oh, maybe that's how he recognized him! To be fair to myself and my totally racist question which I didn't mean to be racist in suggesting that apes are equivalent to black people and the possible truth but probable stereotype that white people can't identify one black person from another because I really did just mean that I wouldn't be able to tell one gorilla from another, I probably wouldn't recognize Dick Grayson from one comic book artist to another without a bevy of clues that have nothing to do with his looks. I'm sure if Gorilla Grodd and Gorilla Grimm were real gorillas, I'd totally be able to tell the difference. Unless I'm Gorilla Face Blind. I might be! I haven't met enough gorillas to know for sure.

Poor Gorilla Grimm. Your parents don't give you that name if they think you're going to amount to anything. His hopes and aspirations were probably stillborn thanks to the name. Thanks a lot, Ma and Pa Gorilla! Fucking dicks.

Nightwing just got done thinking how nice it was to get back to Black and White crimefighting instead of trying to navigate a gray world where somebody, somewhere, is constantly finding a reason to criticize you when Gorilla Grimm begins talking.

Profile much, Nightwing? Am I off the hook for comparing a gorilla to a black person now that Tim Seeley has done it? Not that I did it at all! But I wrote something that suggested that if you were of a mind to read it that way, due to the gray world we live in and the penchant for finding offense wherever a person can to feel more righteous than the next person. Because I totally didn't mean the comparison! Just because I noticed that something I wrote could be read that way and then brought it out in the open to say that it wasn't meant that way doesn't mean I meant it that way! Also, I'm sure Tim Seeley didn't mean it that way either. I'm just trying to deflect the mob to somebody else!

I once made the accidental racism comment before in a Twat Lobo commentary that I noticed afterward and called myself out on. But not that it was accidentally racist, what I said. Just that it could have been seen that way! I reprint it here for good times:

Now I want to write a comic book called General Calamity and Wanton Violence. It would be set in the old west and be full of gore and good-intentioned racist microaggressions. You know the kind! Like when some white gunslinger has his ass saved by a Chinese fella and the gunslinger says, "You ain't so bad, fer a chinerman." And the Chinese Gunslinger smiles graciously while planning on whether he's going to piss or shit in the white gunslinger's stew later. You know! A fun comic book!

Oh shit! I just had an Asian-American Doll moment! I didn't mean for the comic book to sound like it was a white guy named General Calamity and a Chinese guy named "Wonton" Violence! Man, my cynicism almost failed me but I caught it just in time! Although, fuck me, it's a good idea! "So, you're name is Wonton Violence, hunh?" "No, it is 'Wanton' Violence,' you ignorant cocksucker!" Of course, Wanton Violence delivers his line over a smoking pistol and the corpse of the ignorant cocksucker.

I still believe that would make a good television series. Probably an independent series or somewhere like Netflix where the studio doesn't try to exert their control on every little bit of the production until they've turned it into something the broadest audience can like. And by "broadest" of course I mean "stupidest."

The Blüdhaven SWAT team take Gorilla Grimm off of Nightwing's hands because Gorilla Grimm is a suspect in a nearby murder. See, the murder victim was torn apart and had all their bones broken. Totally something a damn filthy ape would do, right?! But since Gorilla Grimm told Nightwing to his face he was innocent, Nightwing begins to suspect that maybe Blüdhaven might be a little gray after all! Like maybe they're cleaning up the city a little too enthusiastically to ensure tourists flock to their casinos. Like maybe Blüdhaven isn't so different from Gotham at all.

The SWAT Team doesn't arrest Nightwing in the way law enforcement likes to arrest superheroes but he does give Nightwing a firm slap on the wrist and a warning. I suppose if I arrived at one of the stores whose floor I clean and found a jerk in a costume doing the work for free, I might be a little bit annoyed too.

Gorilla Grimm tells Nightwing to talk to Shawn Tsang about how he didn't do it. Nightwing will probably do that but it's not like he can interfere with an arrest being made, even if he thinks the arrest is wrong. That's up to the courts to decide (even though they'll get it wrong too because our justice system is terrible and biased toward law enforcement because they need to keep them happy so that they'll work with them on real cases and not just the cases where the cops are all, "Put this bad person away because we said so or we're not helping you ever again, District Attorney"). If Nightwing were to interfere, he'd be no better than that criminal Tim Drake.

The Blüdhaven Tourism Board learns that Nightwing is working in Blüdhaven. Time to pay him to be the face of tourism! "Come to Blüdhaven for the hookers, blow, and casinos! Stay to catch a glimpse of Nightwing's ass!"

Nightwing heads back to talk to Shawn Tsang about Gorilla Grimm when he discovers that she's actually the supervillain known as Defacer. I don't know what her super power is. Spray painting? Anyway, it's just what Dick didn't want. He just got done trusting a villain who turned out to be an actual villain. Now he's falling right back into the same theme! Why can't people just be good and bad?! What is with all of this shit about good people doing bad things for good reasons or bad people doing good things but in terrible ways?! Knock it off and just be good or bad, stupid people of the world!

The Ranking!
No change. It's only a rating of No Change because Nightwing is ranked at #3 and I'm not yet ready to say it's better than The Flintstones. Maybe in some ways it is, depending on what you want out of a comic book. That's the problem having mainstream superhero titles on a ranking list that also includes modern versions of old Hanna-Barbera cartoons. But I really fucking enjoy everything about The Flintstones. Maybe if I were gay and I wanted to fuck Dick Grayson, this would be better than The Flintstones. But I'm not gay and I want to fuck Betty Rubble, so there you have it. Although, you should be reading this comic book! That's just a fact. I mean, it's an opinion but it's my opinion so it might as well be a fact.

Oh, I should also mention Marcus To's art is fantastic. I don't want him getting all butt-hurt again because of my intense hyperbolic criticisms that are simply meant to be funny in that way it's funny when an old person is shit on by society and they have no recourse but to scream and rant and bleed out of the eyes. So, you know, good work, Marcus! Now maybe your sycophantic followers won't harass me for criticizing your stupid Justice League International cover! I still stand by my assessment of the cover even if the inside art was so good you could wank to it!

Nightwing #9

How does Nightwing get into this kind of trouble in Gotham?

I keep saying that I'm going to do a bunch of shorter reviews just to catch up so that I'm reviewing comics the week they come out. But then I can never stop myself from digressing into digressions where I digress about more digressions. But I'm going to try! Starting now! For awhile, I'm actually going to read the entire comic book and then fart out a quick review! Ready? Set? Oh! I remember this thing I wanted to say. After watching the first episode of the first season of Little House on the Prairie, I started swinging my arms mechanically and making a goofy face and singing, "Der der der!" I was set off by the whole thing about how Pa was happy about his unexpected "harvest of friends." The Non-Certified Spouse looked at me and said, "You're aggressively cynical." Yes, I am! But that doesn't mean I don't love Little House! Laura Ingalls is my favorite character ever. She's a feisty bitch and she owns every fucking second of it. Even Ma and Pa love it although they only love it in private after they're done scolding her with passages from The Bible.

The Review!
+1 Ranking. Once upon a time, I used to hate Dick Grayson. I despised Nightwing. He was overly dramatic and constantly jealous. He whined about living in the shadow of Batman. He wasn't funny or charming or anything but pathetic. Mostly it was because he was being written by Marv Wolfman and I was reading the mid to late eighties Titans run. I never got over it. I went on for the next couple of decades decidedly anti-Nightwing. That only changed once I forced myself to read The New 52 Nightwing comic book because I was reading all of the others anyway. I couldn't ignore it simply because Marv Wolfman had ruined my taste for the character. What I discovered, nearly right from the start with Kyle Higgins' run, is that I really liked Nightwing. I loved his appearances in Scott Snyder's Batman as well. Dick Grayson had become his own man since the many years before when he was a tiresome twerp. Instead of Batman treating him like the son who abandoned him, Batman was treating him like a peer. Batman respected him for the man he became. That goes a long way because Batman doesn't even respect fucking Superman. I found that I was capable of actually admiring this character. He was logical, compassionate, and always kept his sense of humor. I discovered Dick Grayson was the greatest superhero in DC's New 52. I don't mean he was the most powerful, of course. I just mean he had the truest heart of what it means to be a hero. And, beyond belief, Dick Grayson became my favorite character of the DC Universe. So you can imagine how chuffed I am that Tim Seeley has been writing him for so long (because Tim Seeley is a Great Writer).

This issue is an examination of what makes him the finest hero in the DC Universe. It also reestablishes his relationship with Superman since DC Comics fucked that shit up by cutting their old universe into confetti, tossing it into the air, and reassembling it into a new universe without caring that over half the pieces were left under the desk. Dick is the guy to truly accept the new Superman without dozens of issues where he acts suspiciously and questions the new Superman's motives. He just fights beside him and sees who this Superman is and, afterward, accepts him as his friend. Which goes a long way to getting everybody else to accept him. Everybody in the DC Universe could take a few paragraphs out of Dick Grayson's book of being a hero.

Also, Doctor Destiny and his Materioptikon made an appearance! And Helena in a bikini! Or Tony the Tiger in shorts, if you're into man beef.

Nightwing #8

"Nightwing" looks like a verb that is probably a pretty raunchy sex act. "I'm nightwing your mom right now because we nightwed last week and she was totally into it."

Last issue, Raptor tried to convince Dick that he was Dick's dad because it's always a laugh riot convincing your friends you've banged their mother. But then Raptor also decided it would be a good idea to kidnap Bruce Wayne for some reason. I think it had to do with branding. Branding is not a superhero name.

Dick decides to start this issue by having a vague memory of one night when his mom and dad were up late talking about some strange guy bothering his mother. He had two attributes that made Nightwing's dad uncomfortable: his eyes and his...okay, it was just his eyes! I meant both of his eyes. The two of them! I totally wasn't going to say his penis because I'm maturing. It's 2017 and Donald Trump is about to be president. The time for dick jokes is long over and, possibly, took us down this road.

That must have been one uncomfortable cavity search. Although I'm sure Bruce could handle it. He probably had a miniature Batcycle crammed up there.

Raptor is upset with how Batman and Bruce Wayne fight crime. He's more upset that he took a Romani child and turned him into another rich white douchebag who battles street crime instead of helping destroy poverty and racism and other probably important stuff. The kind of stuff I can't be arsed to care about because, individually, I'm doing okay. But when I stop doing okay, you better believe I'll be out there trying to convince people to care about my issues! I'll be all, "I totally cared about your issues back then! Just don't read my commentary on Nightwing #8 and if you do, remember that I'm a largely facetious person who never really expresses perfect truths! I'm complicated!" Maybe I shouldn't even mention this review if I don't want people to read it because asking them not to read it will probably make them curious and then they'll read it! What jerks!

Raptor had better hope he found Bruce's microphone which broadcasts constantly to Alfred just in case a bad guy decides to monologue his plans (which is nearly every case). I won't say where the microphone is hidden but it involves gauging.

People who believe in the Stock Market as some sort of entity that creates wealth will still acknowledge that certain press drives stock prices up and down. Yet the people who listen to experts about the Stock Market never question how that's a thing if stocks are supposed to be representative of a company's profit and prosperity. They're not. Prices are representative of how popular a stock is and whether people think it's worth holding onto for a little longer because people are still buying it. But give some bad press about a company and watch the stock drop. Not because the press affects the profitability of the business. It simply damages its reputation which makes people fear other people will sell the stock so they sell the stock in fear that the price will drop and then the price drops because everybody starts selling. Analysts point to these things and call them anomalies or bubbles or blips and that they're not part of the actual system. The system, they say, is that prices generally go up and money keeps getting created and everybody eventually has a retirement fund. But the truth is that if no new buyers entered the Stock Market, it would cease to function profitably. The Stock Market does not generate money. It does not grow cash. Just like a pyramid scheme, it needs money coming in for those already in it to make money.

Yes, yes. There are things called dividends which companies pay out to shareholders when the company makes a profit. Those are totally different and probably the way every stock should work. If I'm investing money into your stupid company, I should get more of a return than the hope that later somebody will want to buy the stupid piece of paper with the Gold Star I received for giving the company my cash. Of course, it's probably more like I gave the five thousandth owner of that piece of paper money, like a comic book sold across many buyers, long since in the hands of the original owner. But at least I can read a fucking comic book.

I have this Stock Market rant once or twice a year and nobody has ever been able to explain to me how I'm wrong and the Stock Market actually does work in the way that analysts will tell you it works (mostly because analysts have lots of money in it and they want to keep perpetuating the system until they can cash out). I'll stop when somebody explains it to me in a way that doesn't make it out to be a scam instead of the answer I usually get which is "I'm sure it doesn't work like that at all."

Nightwing arrives to save the day! Except that Raptor isn't done with his rant against capitalism. Or whatever he's on about. I know he's really into branding so he can't be totally against capitalism. That's where branding really shines! Raptor also begins going on and on about their man-suits. He's totally lost me but I think it's just making me like him even more. He's become mysterious and unrelatable! Just the kind of person I love to fuck!

Raptor explains to Dick how he came down with leprosy and was driven out of the circus. But Dick's mom eventually came to him and offered compassion and thrills. Not those kinds of thrills! At least not yet. No, she and Raptor became the Robin Hoods of Paris, stealing from the rich and elite and giving back to the Romani and themselves.

I think Marie would just be glad that Dick was safe and well-protected and, eventually, happy.

It's easy to attack Bruce Wayne because he's rich and constantly gets richer. But what should he do? Give away all of his money so that he can't help in whatever ways he helps? I'm not sure what those ways are because it just seems like he's using his money to constantly make more money. But then "Bruce Wayne's Charitable Contributions to Gotham and Beyond" is kind of a boring title for a comic book.

After getting beat up and lectured, Nightwing smiles. That's the point Raptor loses because everybody knows Nightwing has it all figured out and when he smiles, he's about to explain it all as he kicks ass. This time, Dick is all, "You're just like Bruce, you idiot!" And Raptor is all, "What? NO! I'm melting!" But then he remembers his trap and he's all, "Bruce is dead!" And Dick is all, "Bruce has been free for like five minutes and now he's standing right behind you!" And then Bruce smiles which means bones will be breaking. Also, I'm not sure any of that happens after and including the "I'm melting!" part because I got ahead of myself as I was typing and haven't gone back to the comic book.

I like that Dick says this because I don't think it can be said enough. It's my favorite reason (and maybe the only one) that allows for Batman's use of young sidekicks. They've always existed to save Batman even if, as they're doing it, Bruce Wayne seems to be saving them as well.

Dick does some of that Batman justice Raptor hates which means he breaks the arm and leg of Raptor to incapacitate him. Then he goes up to save Bruce who has basically already saved himself but Bruce allows Nightwing his moment and pretends to almost fall to his death.

Later, Tiger arrives to take Raptor into Spyral custody. He makes sure to tell Bruce Wayne that he doesn't know he's Batman at all and will keep it that way.

See?! I never would have thought Bruce was the type of dad to lose games to his kids on purpose. Sucker!

The Ranking!
+1! I'm sad that Raptor didn't get to become a friend and mentor to Nightwing. I suppose Nightwing already has enough friends who are also kind of enemies. There's probably a word for that. Anyway, at least he'll be back. The main reason superheroes don't kill is because fans want to see the bad guys return over and over again. Who reads Batman for Batman? It's all about Joker and Catwoman, really! But not Penguin. Fuck Penguin.

Harley Quinn #7

Face piercings and tattoos are way easier than actually having an interesting and unique personality.

When I give writing advice, I usually give terrible Grunion Guy writing advice that doesn't make any sense but makes me laugh. Today, I offer real writing advice: writing doesn't just take place when you sit down to do the hard labor of writing. "Duh!" you're probably saying. Well, "Fuck you!" is what I'm saying back! Sorry! I'm always a little pre-defensive when I know I'm posting something on the Internet because the Internet is full of Know-It-All Motherfuckers whose favorite word is "Actually." To explain a bit further about the writing, you know how some people say they do their best thinking in the shower? I'm sure you've seen all those Memes that are labeled as Shower Thoughts. It isn't that the shower is a magical place where ideas fall like hot water from a shower head or masturbatory juices from self-pleasured genitals. It's just a place where your brain is freed up from concentrating on anything else. Unless you're going through some kind of physical therapy from an accident or a stroke, taking a shower is so routine that your brain doesn't need to concentrate on any part of the process. It's freed up to wander and contemplate. Most people spend nearly every minute of the day engaged in some other activity that takes up brain power which means you're not doing writing. When you sit down to write, it suddenly becomes difficult because you have nothing to show for the other twenty three hours and forty-five minutes of your day spent not at the computer (or typewriter or pad of paper or mustard-stained napkin). You're beginning the race unprepared for the starting gun. You at least need to stretch and probably eat the right kind of meal and hydrate. Um, this isn't running advice. I know nothing about running. So getting back to writing, if you aren't writing away from the computer, you're going to have a hard time writing at the computer. That means your brain cannot be constantly occupied by being on the Internet, or engaged in text conversations, or playing Candy Crush. You know why people think the shower is so magical? You can't take a fucking phone in there!

And before you get on me about being down on people always needing their phones, fuck you. I don't care about people always being on their phones. But if you think of yourself as a writer, you'd do yourself a huge favor to turn it off and leave the headphones out of your ears and go for a fucking walk without anything but your own head-space. My writing has suffered drastically over the last two years because I began listening to a lot of podcasts during work and walks instead of just being up in my own head thinking about things (there are some other reasons which lead to wanting to tune out some things which has lead to listening to Podcasts. But I won't get into that stuff because it's all been mentioned in this blog before). I always had something to discuss before getting into the comic book because I had many hours without distraction to "write."

One more bit of evidence that what I'm trying to get across is accurate and not just a condemnation of cell phones. Keep your bloody fucking cell phones. I don't give a shit who uses them or when. But one of the reasons transcendental meditation is so huge with ambitious extroverts is that it forces them to take those moments of down time where they end up in the Shower Thought space. The more time you allow yourself to not be engaged in anything but a rote activity that your body can take care of practically all by itself (I'm not talking about rote activities like Candy Crush or watching television where your mind is otherwise engaged. Even listening to music can interfere, although mostly the thinking interferes with the music and you'll find yourself replaying a song you were excited to hear again because you thought right through it and missed it), the easier you'll find writing when it's time to actually sit down and do the laborious part. You know, the actual writing.

As far as Harley Quinn goes, this is the last issue I'm reading. I'd like to just get it over with as fast as possible and maybe go eat dinner, so I'm going to write the ranking review bit before reading it!

The Ranking!
No change! I really liked the part where she said "Holee Something-olee!" So hilarious. And the way she mentioned her beaver in that bit that sounded dirty! It was like watching another Austin Powers movie! Plus her rooster is named Mike! As in Mike Cock! As in My Cock! Shit, my stomach muscles are sore from laughing so hard. Oh! You know what my other favorite bit was? When Harley Quinn almost fucked that other woman! Wowzers! So modern! P.S. If I have anything else to add after I read it (which I doubt I will), I'll add a postscript.

P.P.S. I mean a another postscript! After this one!