The New Titans #76 (June 1991)

Titans Tower is destroyed this issue and that’s pretty much the extent of it. There’s a lot of arguing about whose side Pantha is on because she’s a fickle beast.

The “Titans” engage in some discussion about who was on the rocket that exploded on the way to Moscow last issue. Judging by the cover of Issue #77, it was Cyborg. So this is when he gets his first upgrade and aesthetic makeover. I suppose it was about time. Wonder Girl got a new look and a new name. Jericho shaved his sideburns. And Garfield Logan got a mullet. Isn’t Nightwing due for a makeover too? It’s twenty years past the disco era, Dick. The collar has got to go.

The New Titans #75 (April 1991)

Holy fuck! So many Wildebeests! The cover is right! I’m shaking my stick like crazy and I can’t shake it at all of them! Although I do have a boner now.

Dick’s statement is not a statement of sheer disbelief on this cover. He means it logically. Wildebeest simply cannot be Joseph Wilson, aka Jericho. Unless all of those times Jericho said he was banging chicks after painting nudes of them, he was really being an evil mastermind obsessed with this whole Wildebeest Pyramid Scheme. Also he was just pretending to be mute, I guess. That seems, at least a little bit, politically incorrect. I mean, I don’t go around faking a limp so I can get the Cerebral Palsy discount at the Mustang Ranch.

I think Jericho went nuts when that asshat barber shaved off his sideburns some issues ago. Now he just looks like a grinning Rob Liefeld with a horrible perm. I’ll scan that picture in next because I have some other words to say about it!

Speakin of words to say about things, I’m really hoping Jericho chooses next issue to do the whole bad guy explanatory monologue thing because I really can’t fucking figure out how or why this is happening. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?! I do remember actually being upset about this revelation way back when because Jericho was the only likeable member of the Titans. So why not fuck that up, right Wolfman?! Prick. I blame the New Editor on the book, Mister Jonathan “I’m So Fucking Funny I Crack Myself Up Writing Letter Column Replies” Peterson.

Shouldn’t a father always know his own son’s name?!

Hey Tony S. Daniel and James Bonny?! See how Douchéstork reacts to finding out Wildebeest is his son here? See how Nightwing reacts? Nightwing calls him Jericho because that’s his teammate and Dick is a consummate professional who knows to use codenames at all times. See how Jericho’s loving father knows and uses Jericho’s actual name?! That’s a father who cares about his son! Your Douchéstork has not once used Joseph’s real name! Because he doesn’t know it, right?! He’s an absentee father who never really gave a fuck about Rose and Joe and Grant, right? He just wants to seem like he cares about something when he’s really just a psychopath who cares only about his reputation and money.

Also, doesn’t Joseph look a little bit like a badly permed Rob Liefeld?

The New Titans #74 (March 1991)

The New Titans currently consist of Raven’s mom Arella, Jericho’s dad Deathstroke, Gar’s dad Steve Dayton (also known as The Freshmaker), some laundry with a hocky mask, and Pantha (whose tail seems to come directly out of her asshole (which is fine by me. It's so hot!). So the lineup has changed a little bit! What hasn’t changed is that they’re still battling fucking Wildebeest. I’m bewildered by Marv Wolfman’s love of Wildebeest! Did he think he was building a money-making franchise on this character?!

Next issue is the big reveal of the identity of Wildebeest! It’s so shocking that you’ll demand fifteen pages of explication to explain how the fuck it could possibly be that person! You won’t get it though. Although Revealed Wildebeest does say (without the use of sign language or anything! Oh shit. Was that a spoiler?!) at one point next issue, “Think about it and it will make sense!” I did. It didn’t.

The New Titans #73 (February 1991)

More Wildebeest action than I can stand! So much Wildebeest! A Wildebeest on every page! A Wildebeest in every pot! Wildebeests! Wildebeests! Wildebeests! And not one fucking Titan! That’s someting I probably would have been angry about back when this title first hit the shelves but now I’m more like, “Finally! Some respite from those narcissistic bastards!” Although it’s obvious one of the Wildebeest’s is Dick Grayson in disguise because it keeps going, “No! Don’t kill! Let’s not kill! Try not to kill, okay?!”

Oh! I should also discuss the “Another Titan Dies!” bit at the top. It’s Danny Chase. He’s not a Titan so it’s a huge lie. Also he doesn’t actually die. He even makes the cover this month! That’s a spoiler!

The Flash #51

The Flash versus The Riddler? This is supposed to be a compelling match-up?

The Review or Whatever
The Flash has been on a pretty terrible run of issues lately. Get it?! I said "run" while discussing The Flash! I could totally write this comic book. I bet I could even write a good time travel story for The Flash even though The Flash's time travel stories are generally terrible and cause a lot of problems. I would have The Flash time travel back to when he first time traveled so that he could kick himself in the balls. But he'd do it so fast that he wouldn't even notice and then he'd try to run super fast on the Cosmic Treadmill but his balls would hurt so badly that he'd decide it wasn't possible and completely give up on time travel. Although that would really reset the DC Universe in disastrous ways, right? How many years of continuity would be destroyed if The Flash never finds out about Earth-2?! Then he'd have to go back in time to kick himself in the balls before he could kick himself in the balls so that time could be put back to normal!

Oh! Guess who isn't doing the art on this issue? Brett Booth! CONFETTI!

How the hell does The Riddler say so many things before The Flash has him bound and gagged?! Comic books are so silly!

The Riddler's riddle is an old riddle? I guess it's from back when people were long winded and asked terrible riddles! I've never heard that old riddle before! It sounds like it was made up by Van Jensen! "I am fast but you are slow! Nothing is as fast as I am because I am so fast you won't believe it! So fast! Fastest thing there is! You'll never guess! Super fast! Whew!" The answer is light which is a big twist to the usual hack writer way of defeating The Flash by declaring that "nothing is as fast as the speed of thought!" But here's the problem with The Riddler's plan. He can set off all of his drones to kill a bunch of random people all over the city whenever he wants. But he explicitly tells The Flash that he can give the command. But in the time it takes for him to even explain that, The Flash should have knocked him unconscious. The Riddler isn't as smart as he thinks he is because no writer is as smart as The Riddler should be.

The Riddler informs The Flash that if he uses his speed or attempts to touch The Riddler, the drones all over the city will begin killing people. So The Flash just stands there waiting to get his ass kicked. You know what he should do? Run all over the city super fast and stop as many drones as possible. Sure, some people will die. But that's not on The Flash at all! That's on The Riddler! Plus The Flash will have stopped whatever worse plans The Riddler has in store!

Oh! You know what else The Flash could do? He could open up his Justice League Communicator so that Batman can hear what's going on! Then Batman and Wonder Woman and Supercorpse can come save the day while The Flash distracts The Riddler. But I guess he's got too much pride to call in the other Justice Leaguers.

The Pied Piper rolls up on his motorcycle to save The Flash. I guess The Flash escaping doesn't constitute an infringement of the rules because The Riddler doesn't start killing people.

Oh no! What if Wally starts using his new superspeed powers! The drones will detect it and start killing people! Oh my! I hope that doesn't happen! I'm so nervous now!

The Flash and Piper head into the sewers to recruit a whole bunch of rats! Meanwhile, Captain Frye learns that he now works for The Riddler because he's made a ton of stupid decisions lately. He deserves everything he gets! What a tool!

The Riddler demands that The Flash turn himself in or else everybody begins dying. He thinks that's a plan by a smart guy? That's the same old plan that always gets pulled out and fails! Fucking Riddler is as dumb as ever!

The Flash gives himself up and he also reveals his secret identity while doing it. I don't remember that being part of The Riddler's demands but whatever! Good job, Barry! Hopefully you called Batman before surrendering because I don't think Pied Piper's sixty thousand rats are going to save the day. I mean, they might. People get really creeped out by rats!

The Sheriff of Babylon #6

The lion is an Islamic metaphor! Probably.

The Review or Whatever
Finally, The Sheriff of Babylon chooses a critical blurb for the cover that doesn't piss me off. I mean, "a must-read" doesn't actually do anything for me. It's actually a bit aggressive! Oh, really? I must read this fucking comic book because Uproxx says so?! Who the fuck does Uproxx think they are?! When is Tom King going to go to his editors and say, "Look, Mr. and Mrs. Vertigo. You have to use this terrific blurb from Grunion Guy for the cover! He fucking hits it out of the park every time!" Let me write a few every month so King and his crew can take their pick.

"This book doesn't piss on Islam at all!" -- Grunion Guy!
"Are you the kind of person who glorifies war and calls every military person a hero? Well go fuck yourself! You won't like this book at all!" -- Grunion Guy!
"Have you heard anybody ever use the word 'realpolitik'?! Yeah, me neither. But I guess this book is all realpolitikal or something." -- Grunion Guy!
"I thought this book was about a guy who watched over a baby named Lon. It's not!" -- Grunion Guy!
"Sometimes I read a comic book and think, 'What just happened?' This is one of those books!" -- Grunion Guy!
"Bang! Boom! This is a war comic like no other war comic! Pow!" -- Grunion Gun! Bang!

This comic book also made me cry a bunch of times last issue but I don't want that quoted on the cover! So don't you dare use a quote like "This comic book touches me in a place I haven't been touched since my grandfather died! Phrasing?" -- Grunion Guy!

"Whoa! This comic book says some revolutionary stuff!" -- Grunion Guy!

Everything I type sounds sarcastic! But I really do love this comic book! It's so good! Don't use that quote! It's too boring! That was off the record!

The next page has Fatima sitting in front of an American flag. I'm not going to rant about how the stars are wrong on the flag because she's in Iraq and maybe that's an old flag when the US of A only had 48 states. Those were good times for people with obsessive compulsive disorder because the stars could all line up neatly. And I mean people who really have OCD and not all of your friends on Facebook who constantly pretend they're overly disturbed by pictures of one tile out of place or one pencil not sharpened. God, those friends really need personalities badly, don't they?!

Fatima is trying to get the US military to take her near assassination seriously but the representative she talks to is an asshole who doesn't want to deal with her and resorts to calling her "darling" when she insists he take this shit seriously. When I'm having a conversation with somebody, there are multiple things that will cause me to instantly disengage and not give a fuck about them or their opinions anymore. One of them is when they question my honesty and simply disbelieve something I say because they don't want to believe it. Being called "darling" is one thing I've never had to deal with. But if I were a woman, it would so be one of the triggers that cause me to shut down and assume the person I was talking to was an inbred moron who has just exited my life forever. I sort of wish I were a woman for this reason alone now! Getting people out of my life would be so easy!

While Fatima deals with her shitstain, Chris and Nassir meet a big messy brown spot named Bob. He's with the "Don't ask, don't tell" division which is a weird thing to say because I would think, this being the military, it would open him up to a bunch of no homo jokes! Although I suppose it just means he's kind of a Man in Black. A real one, not that fictional Tommy Lee Jones garbage. And by "real one," I mean "urban legend" one! Duh! You think I'm fucking crazy?! I would never admit in a public forum that I really believe in the Men in Black! Ha ha.

I'm really reading this slowly because the tension King and Gerads are building in this scene with Bob, Chris, and Nassir is fucking incredible. Oh wait! "Read this comic slowly because the tension it creates is pulpable!" -- Grunion Guy! You might have to use a [sic] tag with that because I'm not going to fix the typo!

Seriously. I can't finish this scene. This is too Goddamned tense!

"If you have IBS, do not read this book! My bowels are healthy and I still pooped myself!" -- Gruni...um, Cullen Bunn!

Nassir's wife is killed because Bob the Prickfuckcunthole yells "Gun!" while all of his cowardly henchmen have their assault rifles targeting her. Oh well! What's one more dead innocent in a war torn country occupied by a bunch of fear-filled young Americans armed to the teeth? As long as they all survive every encounter where they probably weren't in danger anyway but, hey, you never know?! Better safe than sorry! I mean, for the military personnel with the high caliber weapons. Not for the innocent natives of the invaded country. Fuck them, amirite?!

Nassir is taken by Bob and Christopher asks Fatima if she can find out where they took him.

Does this story mean anything? It should mean something. Remember how they said that last issue?! That was really good, right? "This should mean something." -- Grunion Guy! I remember this story was about Christopher investigating one of his trainees who was murdered. Or one of his assistants. The details are vague! But since then, it's all become a real clusterfuck! A major realpolitik horror story! Don't use that quote for the cover because I only said it ironically! I think.

"I bet this comic book would be even better than it seems to be if only I were smarter!" -- Grunion Guy!
"A must read!" -- Grunion Guy. I didn't steal Uproxx's quote! Mine doesn't have a dash because I think the dash is pretentious!
"If somebody uses one of my quotes for the cover, I'll owe somebody a pretty good handjob!" -- Grunion Guy!

The New Titans Annual #6 (1990)

Fifty-four pages to kill Starfire’s Tamaranean husband so that Dick can stop feeling so Goddamned sorry for himself! Getting through those 54 pages wasn’t worth it. Not even for the art. What the fuck were you on when you did your chapter of this, Curt Swan?! I want the time it took to read this back! No, wait. If I’m going to get time back for things I did, I’d rather have the time I spent pining over an unobtainable romantic interest throughout high school!