The New Titans #70 (October 1990)

Finally, a decent Deathstroke story! It’s also a decent Columbo story! I never thought of Deathstroke as the Columbo who kills until this story! He’s all, “Die, rebel assassin, die!” And then he’s all, “Oh! One more thing!” And bam! He nails the bad guy by being observant and understanding human nature! I wonder if DC is interested in heading back in this direction with Deathstroke after Rebirth. I’d be totally into it!

The New Titans #69 (September 1990)

This is the second half of a story by Barbara and Karl Kesel. That’s right. It was not written by Marv Wolfman. He’ll be back to ruin this comic book next month. But for now, I will just sit in amazement and think about how much better this book was during the two issues not written by Marv Wolfman. The Royal Flush Gang had bad guy motivations which had nothing to do with being one of the Titans’ mothers or fathers. They even had some internal intrigue in their gang as The Gambler posed as The Joker to fuck with their shit. And Danny Chase’s story arc made sense and he wasn’t completely annoying (just slightly annoying). Oh, and the Titans actually stopped some bad guys for once.

I bet Marv Wolfman read this story and screamed, “That’s it! I’m never taking a month off of this book again! Fucking scabs making me look bad! Now I’ve got to bring back Deathstroke the Terminator so that fans instinctively think I wrote a better story than one with the stupid fucking Royal Flush Gang! I wonder if I can get the Kesels blacklisted?!”

Black Canary #11

Is the cover supposed to look scuffed or did I just get a shitty copy?!

The Review or Whatever!
In this issue, Black Canary fights a vampire or something. It doesn't go well and she winds up alone and unloved with a katana sticking through her. Although Ditto shows up to tell her that she's never been alone or some syrupy bullshit. This just feels like a story desperately searching for an ending in the small amount of time it has left. And this review is desperately searching for a way to not have to go any further than this sentence.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #28

The Review or Whatever!
If there were a machine that could give a person immortality but it only works 50% of the time while disintegrating the person the other 50% of the time, would you use it? Let's say it causes the person to be exactly as they are forever at the moment they use the machine. So do you risk it while you're still in your twenties and in your physical prime? Or do you gamble, year after year, that you won't die before getting a chance to gain immortality? Or do you just never use it at all? That's a pretty shitty percentage, isn't it? I suppose I could have made the percentage higher since it's just an imaginary machine I made up in my head but that didn't happen! What if you have a significant other or children? Say you survive the machine and are now immortal. Do you ask your spouse to take that chance as well? You've got a fifty/fifty chance at eternal happiness or eternal sorrow! Although, let's face it, the eternal happiness probably won't last more than ten, twenty years before you're wishing the machine killed them, right?

Since it's an imaginary machine, I can't answer the question myself. It's too difficult. I would definitely be afraid to use it! I'd probably keep putting it off until I eventually fall off of a ladder and break my neck. Stupid machine. How dare you taunt me with immortality!

Although what good is immortality if, some day, the sun is just going to consume the Earth? I suppose even with our current technology, we could leave the planet. If you're immortal, who cares how long it takes to get anywhere! Although I imagine everybody would be really cold and hungry by the time we got somewhere. Or we'd crash into a star. Or be destroyed by interstellar flotsam. Or fall into a black hole. I suppose the immortality wouldn't provide invulnerability as well, so I guess when you finally just get tired of living and you've read every book ever and had been disappointed by the last five thousand new Call of Duty games, you could just put a bullet in your brain. Coward!

None of that has anything to do with Superman Loves Wonder Woman although I could ask Superman the same question since he's currently dying. Wonder Woman has just found out, so she probably wants to get one last fuck in. I imagine that's going to be the plot of this issue not because it's called "Last Kiss" but because Ed Benes is doing the art for it. I'm sure he wouldn't have taken the job if he wasn't going to be able to draw Wonder Woman's tits flopping all over the place.

Technically, Wonder Woman killed Superman! Superman has to die because DC Comics wrote themselves into a corner by having Superman date Wonder Woman! Now they can't figure out what to do with this mess so they have to kill him and let the Superman who's with Lois take over. Because that's something everybody can live with.

Wonder Woman asks Clark if he loves her and he pulls that trick where he kisses her as an answer so that he doesn't actually have to answer. What a dog! During the kiss, both Lois and Steve Trevor radio the heroes to tell them there's a Superman wannabe being held at ARGUS. Awkward!

When Superman and Wonder Woman get to ARGUS, Superman explains his Solar Flare power to anybody who knew to avoid reading Superman comic books during that time. Although those were probably the best Superman stories since Morrison's run on Action Comics. The Solar Flare power will probably be important to this story later which is why the reminder of what it is and how it works. Maybe it'll even save Clark's life but leave him powerless forever! So then Lois and Clark Superman will continue to be Superman but with Clark Kent still existing and writing terrible op ed pieces on Superman.

Superman decides to go speak with Ulysses because he won't have any answers. Why should he? Just because Fake Superman glows like Superman's Solar Power discharge and Ulysses was the first person covered with it? Oh, what am I saying? This is a comic book! Of course Ulysses will have some insight into what's going on! He probably walked around for a few days thinking he was Superman himself!

While Superman speaks with Ulysses, Fake Superman escapes from his cell. It's the moment Ed Benes was waiting for!

Oh yeah. Those are totally Ed Benes breasts.

Due to Fake Superman's escape, ARGUS loses power which allows Ulysses to get free. He takes it as a sign to get back to the fight against Superman which was interrupted by Superman's stupid new power. He just about kills Superman before Steve Trevor (being the only person working at ARGUS, I guess) restores the power by flipping a switch that instantly fixes whatever Fake Superman broke. Unless it just starts up the backup generator. Probably that one.

Fake Superman escapes but Ulysses is caught powerless again. He decides that's okay though because he realizes Superman is dying and that revelation totally makes his shitty life better.

Justice League #49

I'm fairly certain there's a gay blowjob joke somewhere on this cover.

The Review or Whatever!
I've currently been rereading The Boomer Bible straight through because it's a fantastic book. I always forget to add it to the list of my favorite books and yet it's been a solid favorite since sometime in the early to mid nineties. It's a book that I have to keep buying because I always wind up giving away my personal copy because I love it so much and want to pass on that love to other people. As I reread it this time, I'm writing an essay on it. Here's a bit about how I describe it:

I can think of no other book that presents itself in such a cynical, offensive, poorly written, overly ambitious way while also being extremely poignant, full of heart, written to a staggeringly precise degree, and secretly as hopeful a story as was ever written. No other work I know makes full use of the freedom of speech by turning the most insultingly offensive moments into blindingly stunning bits of truth that slap the reader across the face, bringing tears to their eyes. I can think of no other book that has made me cry more often, and more quickly--often going from laughing out loud to near sobbing in the space of a few lines--through the subversive use of language and the timing of a comedic genius.

I can't recommend any book more highly than The Boomer Bible.

Justice League, on the other hand, I can only recommend if you enjoy long-winded stories that never end. At least The Boomer Bible chops up its long-windedness into several books and hundreds of easy-to-read chapters!

Currently in The Darkseid War, Darkseid has been dead for like one hundred issues and specials. But never fear! Lex Luthor has become the new Darkseid and Grail is waiting in the wings to become the new, permanent Darkseid of the Rebirth Generation! Probably. But the story of the Anti-Monitor's plan for Earth now that he's killed Darkseid will have to wait because the current most important thing happening in this story is the part where Superwoman is about to give birth to her superbaby.

This discussion is so important that everybody begins speaking like Recliner Batman.

While Geoff Johns writes just enough to hint at the father of Superwoman's baby instead of coming right out and telling the readers--because who needs to keep readers interested by revealing information rather than keeping them interested by withholding it, amirite?!--the Justice League battle the Anti-Monitor. That also will probably just drag on with neither side gaining the upper hand until Johns is ready to end this story ten years from now.

Superman expels his Apokolips energy so at least that bit is resolved. Now The Flash just needs to stop being death, Batman needs to stand up, and Lex Luthor needs to get his power stolen from him by Grail so that everything can nearly get back to normal. I think all of the things that really made this story interesting have already happened. I'm not really looking forward to its resolution. Hopefully Johns will surprise me. Will it be the catalyst for Rebirth?

Grail, Myrina, her griffon, and Steve Trevor with a mystic priapism arrive to really fucking clutter up the battlefield. I think Superwoman's baby is going to get stepped on if she insists on delivering it here.

Of course it hurts! You're trying to push it through your pants!

The baby is born and Superwoman announces in a splash page that it's a boy and then everybody forgets about it and its importance to the battle because Mystic Priapism Steve Trevor unleashes his pent-up sexual frustrations all over Mobius's chest, face, and hair. Mobius, of course, dies. Just like that. He kills Darkseid. He threatens the universe. He easily deflects every attack from Lex and the Justice League. And then Steve Trevor who gained Ultimate Power by kissing Grail arrives and saves the Omniverse. Of course now he's going to kill everybody else too because he's Grail's puppet and she seems to have forgotten that she was created to kill Darkseid (or the Anti-Monitor? I don't remember) and not to kill everything forever.

The best part of the comic is how the last page says "To be concluded!" And then: REBIRTH!

DK III: The Master Race #4

The Review!
DK III: Donkey Kong Country might not be my favorite book currently being published by DC but it has a lot going for it right out of the gate. It's a limited series story written by a writer I trust to tell a good story which means it will have a beginning, middle, and end. What that generally adds up to is a story that actually has a reason for existing. It will probably mean something more than just two super powered people punching each other in the face until the good one proves he or she has more heart than the bad one and the story concludes. I'm not sure why I read so many comic books when those are the kinds of stories I really like. All of this unending comic book shit where every story is just the middle of the story and the end never comes and the beginning constantly changes? Arg! It's enough to make one murder kittens. Which I don't want to do so maybe I shouldn't keep reading comic books! Anyway, this story gets ten thumbs up from five cool kids whom you probably want to be like, so you should put your thumbs up too. I mean, you should read this book. It also comes with a mini-Batgirl comic which you can pretend is free even if it's actually just included in the cover price.

The Commentary!
This issue begins with The Atom tumbling through a bunch of molecules as he grows smaller and smaller. I'm not sure this page was needed to remind everybody that The Atom didn't die because everybody knows when The Atom is stepped on, he survives by becoming super tiny. But it is needed to remind everybody that we're trapped in an existentialist nightmare with no hope of escape. I mean, there's one path to escaping and it isn't getting on a plane with Orr. It's more the Snowden kind of exit we're all eventually heading toward. Those were smart references to Catch-22 in case you haven't seen that movie. I mean read the book! You should read the book! You can also see the movie if you'd like. Why would I stop you? Especially since that part with Kid Samson is horrific on screen. But the book is a masterpiece so you probably shouldn't pass it up for the movie.

Okay, so now the tone of this book has been set and we're all feeling the crushing weight of Life all around us! We're gasping for breath realizing that it's all a waste of time. It's all repetitive motion injuries resulting in a vague kind of PTSD from which we're all suffering. We are all The Atom falling end over end into a dark abyss of unknowable nothingness. So the rest of the book has got to improve our moods, right?!

I'm not sure the next scene is any more uplifting. Superman and his daughter Lara are conflicted about how to protect the Earth. Superman refuses to think of himself as better than the humans, allowing them to make the mistakes they need to make as they continue to try to improve civilization. Lara approaches the idea literally, with help from her Jim Jonesesque new Kandorian father Quar, and believes Earth needs to be protected from Mankind. Lara's reasoning is the kind of reasoning you get from someone who is putting the argument behind the desire. "I want to rule the Earth therefore I'll make up a bunch of arguments for why I should be doing it." It's most people's default setting when they need to think logically or philosophically. Rarely does somebody ever think, "A cow deserves to live just as much as I do, being that we each have just this one chance at life, so what right do I have to gorge on its flesh?" More often, a person thinks, "I would never kill an animal! But holy fuck, taco meat is delicious. I'm glad other people are around to do the killing for me!"

Lara decides to try and convince Superman of her argument, by which I mean she punches him in the face multiple times. Superman refuses to hit his daughter back, so he's going to get pummeled until Bruce and Carrie decide to come to his rescue. Bruce and Carrie have no qualms about hitting a female Kryptonian. Hell, Bruce will probably punch her in the vagina with his kryptonite glove.

Carrie wants to help but Bruce is all, "I did that once already! Too much work!"

I'm ashamed to say it took me turning the page to see Bruce simply meant "We're not going to stand; we're going to sit" and not "Pull up a chair and I'll tell you what we're going to do."

The Kandorians encase Superman in something called "Black Matter" and sink him beneath the ice of the Arctic Ocean (unless it's the Antarctic Ocean, seeing as how DC Comics never did seem to figure out which was which). Black Matter is a theoretical substance in the Dark Knight Universe that exists for plot reasons. Lots of things in science and magic only exist for plot reasons in stories. It just makes it easier to resolve some situations, like say you need Superman out of commission but you don't want to kill him. Sure, there are other ways but it's better to use a new method than to use something that already exists in the DC Youniverse or else some smart ass fangender is going to come along and be all, "Actually, we saw in Adventures of Superman #422 that blarg dee blarg blarg blargaboo. Meh."

After dunking Superman, Quar turns his attention to Gotham City and politely requests the city turn Batman over to him. He also reminds them that the polite asking will only last for thirty-six hours and then he's simply going to have to kill them all. I guess he doesn't want to kill them all outright because he and the other Kandorians are going to need people who can make Cinnabuns and Oreos and alcohol and jerky.

The world surrenders to the Kandorians and Wonder Woman decides to honor her husband's and the world's decision. After all, what does it matter to her, living in the jungle with her baby? But Batman? Batman's going to have to fight because his alias is right there on the cover of the book. I mean, the initials of his alias are right there on the cover of the book.

Smiling Batman is best Batman.

Visually, Dark Knight Batman has always been the one I think of when I think of Batman. Not that I want my superheroes to be overly muscled, hulking oafs. But Batman has always been larger than life. To see him representative of his mythic stature is pleasing. Although it goes a little deeper than that as well. This Bruce Wayne, this big, thick, tall man, is how I've always viewed adult males. It's the image I have of my father and of my uncle and of several elementary school friends' fathers whom I viewed as having this kind of stature when I was young. Sure, none of them actually look like this. But they carried something grave, something bigger than what I could see which I seemed to know instinctively I would never have. I'm as old (or probably older!) than they all were when I viewed them this way and I doubt that any young person has ever looked at me and thought, "Now that's an adult male!" It's probably one of two major things (as well as a million minor!): the post-draft times I grew up in weren't intense enough to forge me into a man, or I've always just been too goofy to have any authority. Maybe it's both.

The Flash decides to make an appearance but only long enough to have one leg broken by a Kandorian and left to bleed out on the streets of Gotham. Luckily he collapses by a manhole with somebody poking their head out to see what's what. It looks like Bane but who the fuck can tell since this universe is so different. Even Flash looked like a drunk bastard just come from lifting kettle weights at the gym. The story almost ends with Batman telling Commissioner Yindel to stop getting drunk and help save the city. It actually ends with The Atom having a brief moment of euphoric revelation that sometimes occurs in the dark during just one of the nights in a seemingly endless succession of endless nights which make up the totality of our actually brief existentialist nightmare. It's a moment of hope that all is not lost. Something can be salvaged. Meaning can be found. A moment which eventually just makes the rest of the despair all the more worse.

The New Titans #68 (July 1990)

This two-part story (continued next issue) wasn’t written by Marv Wolfman so I don’t think it’s in continuity. I mean, obviously it isn’t in continuity anymore since it’s a Preboot story. But I mean even when it was published, nobody thought of it as in continuity! It was a good idea to add the Joker to the Royal Flush Gang though. Even if it’s not really The Joker. That was a spoiler for a twenty-six year old comic book so I think it’s okay to say it without a warning.

It's a fair summation of the JLA at the time. But it's also a delusional view of the Titans at the time. "Real heroes." Who the fuck is paying this jerk?