The New Titans #63 (February 1990)

Don’t worry, Titans Fans! The team wasn’t terminated forty-something issues before the series finally ended! That would be weird, right? I guess Nightwing could have rehired Danny Chase and they could have restarted the group with a bunch of heroes worse than Speedy. Only Raven and Joey were killed in this issue. I mean almost killed! Jericho may as well have been killed because he looks foolish without his sideburns.

The Werewealthy have easily become the Titans biggest threat they’ve faced. But that’s what happens when you deal with all of your parental issues by beating up your fathers and then drop the Teen from your name and enter the adult world. You find out that the real enemies are rich assholes! And they’re the toughest enemies you’ll ever face! Not tough in a wears a denim jacket and smokes and rides a motorcycle around the baseball field and throws and hits well enough to save the worst team in the little league tough. They’re actually quite soft and pasty. But metaphorically, they’re super tough because they have so many resources and they have control of the American government because everybody knows money talks and votes are ultimately meaningless. Sure, we’ll all go to the polls and feel good (okay, only about 45% of us will probably go to the polls. And then that 45% will feel smug and look down on the 55% who didn’t go to the polls because they assume the people who didn’t vote would have voted their way when in reality there is a reason they didn’t vote and it’s because everybody sucks and laws are idiotic and we should all just do whatever we want like having orgies in the street (only in crosswalks because safety matters!) and set fires to bars because wouldn’t those go up spectacularly and write manifestos that ultimately make no sense and matter less than the vote that could have been cast) but the guys with money will continue to do whatever they want. Like turn into monsters and kick the shit out of the other 99% who can’t turn into monsters! Jerks.

What I’m trying to say is I think this story is an analogy or a metaphor! Even Slade Wilson is on the right side and he’s a rich bastard too! Except he’s worse than the other rich bastards because they think money makes right while he thinks violence makes right. I suppose if I had to choose between the two worlds, I’d rather live in one where the people with money control my life than live in the world where the people who utilize violence control my life. Although I live in America so I guess I’m lucky enough to have both!

Telos #6

What the fuck?

Rating: -4 Ranking.

What just happened? I mean, I know the best thing that happened! This comic series just ended! But holy crows what a nonsensical ending! I'll admit it was refreshing to see a comic book end with the main character completely losing everything and being stranded in nowhere and having no future and never finding his family and crying himself to sleep in an empty crater. I didn't expect that! But the whole Parallax fighting to save a fake Coast City bit? Why even bother? Telos really lost control of his own title here! The cover should have read Parallax #1.

I get that this most likely wasn't the next intended chapter in the story and was just whipped up to offer some kind of closure after the cancellation. But that doesn't stop me from feeling completely perplexed by this entire Telos experience.

I feel a little bit bad that this comic book was so terrible and didn't tell any kind of interesting story at all. I wonder why DC thought it was an interesting idea? Was this just DC desperately wanting to believe that Convergence wasn't a complete failure? I mean, if I fixed a meal I thought was the best meal ever prepared and it gave everybody such horrible food poisoning that they vomited and shit themselves into a state of dehydration, I wouldn't proclaim it a success while trying to sell the recipe. Probably.

Batman Loves Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #4

Rating: No change.

It's two in the morning on a Tuesday night and the downstairs neighbors think it's the perfect time to play music. Fuck you, downstairs neighbors. You are inconsiderate pieces of shit. Not that I'm trying to sleep or anything. But I would like to be able to concentrate on writing something funny about Batman hanging out with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Although there really isn't as much to talk about as you might think. When the series was released, fans were probably thinking, "Well, it's about fucking time these characters hung out!" And then after a few issues, fans were probably saying, "I suppose it wasn't that important that they hang out." And now, I'm thinking, "When are they going to stop hanging out already?" Especially when the story boils down to simply doing the things that fans expect out of this meeting. "Oh look! Batman is eating pizza with them!" "Oh hey! Alfred is annoyed with their teenaged antics!" "Oh my! One of them said cowabunga!"

Maybe next issue when all of the villains have been exposed to the Mutant Mutagen, things will get exciting and original! Oh wait! That practically already happened in the first story arc of The New 52's Batman: The Dark Knight!

Batman Loves Superman #30

The worst part about these gimmick covers is that I have to hunt for the scissors to open the stupid bags.

Rating: +5 Ranking.

Come on! This is what The New 52 Batman Loves Superman comic book should have been from the beginning! Greg Pak's initial vision was too much exactly like the Preboot version where we see Batman's thoughts on a subject and then Superman's thoughts on a subject and we think, "Oh! I get it! They're different! But the same! When did I last jerk off?" And after his first story (which was cool because Jae Lee did the art), the entire book wound up in the toilet (which was expectd because Brett Booth began doing the art). But Tom Taylor has now written a story where Batman is a Batman I can feel good about liking, Superman is a Superman who isn't worried about getting beat up and he's doing the right thing, and Lobo is fucking Lobo in the way Lobo should be Lobo. By which I mean he's the villain and he gets beat in the end and he's not a complete and utter twat.

While I'm praising the writing, I should also note that Rocha and Leisten do their job well. I'm not a particularly visual person so I don't really critique the art unless it's just fucking awful (see that thing I wrote earlier about Brett Booth). I don't even know why I read comic books!

No wait! I do know why! Because I'd rather see pictures of the people and the environment than have to read page after page of descriptive prose! And I like dialogue in speech bubbles so I don't have to constantly skim past all the Batman saids and Superman saids and Lobo growleds!

Earth Too: Society #10

What if Hourman had to save the world from a catastrophe that was happening just seconds before the jump to Daylight Savings Time?!

Rating: -1 Ranking.

This has simply become another one of those shitty modern takes on super heroes where the general populace mistrusts them and fears them and hates them because drama. Although I guess it's not really all that modern since it's been the basic story of the X-men since it first became the basic story of the X-men. I should probably research shit before beginning statements that could use research and then not doing the research so that the statement becomes a useless tautology.

Val-el gives up the family crest because his name is really Val-Zod and he probably shouldn't have been wearing the crest of El in the first place. Actually, he gives it up because Martha Kent is all, "My son was great but I should have been afraid of him! I'm now pleading with every thing that I'm afraid of to stop existing! The world should be the way I want it to be! Boo hoo! Farts!"

Okay, she didn't end her statement with farts. But she may as well have because it was shit.

The best part of the issue was the part where Aquawoman doesn't wear any pants under her transparent skirt. I'm still flushed from that scene! Where's my "my genitals are on fire" fan so I can cool off while looking demure?

New Suicide Squad #18

Since the Squad is clearly using projectile weapons for this attack, Cheetah should be bent over ready to spray.

Rating: +1 Ranking.

This issue was weird and annoying but ultimately satisfying in its final explanation of what's going on. Last issue felt like a return to what I think of as the Suicide Squad Status Quo. The team was working a mission for the government which the government didn't want to be associated with. But then they all died which is a classic Suicide Squad cliffhanger, right?! But this issue ends in another place and time with Harley telling a story about a lunch lady. So confusing! Because it's been a month and I couldn't even remember, at the start of this issue, how the previous issue ended! It all came back in time since Harley provided a recap of last issue. Turns out the Squad was saved by yet another organization that wants to use the Squad for good with the bait being that they can eventually kill Amanda. So annoying! The whole premise was on track and then Seeley changes it up to a whole new thing that's kind of like the old thing but different somehow! The team is taken to Germany where they meet an almost exact replica of the nineties Xcalibur team (unless it was Xforce (or Xtinction (or Xallthe90steamswereidiotic))) whom they party with. But as they party, one of them is shot in the head and its a trap! The whole thing was just a chance for the Fist of Cain to lure the Squad into one of their games where they score points for kills! So satisfying! And now Amanda needs to help save her team! Hopefully with a new team assembled under the leadership of Captain Boomerang!

I should also point out that this comic book has the most disturbing image of any comic book I've ever read ever (and I'm pretty sure I've read comic books depicting nonconsensual necrophilia (you'd think all necrophilia would be nonconsensual but you'd be wrong because the consensual stuff is hot)): Captain Boomerang being stabbed in the open mouth with a pizza trowel. The way its depicted sliding between his teeth? Oh god. My stomach is heaving just typing that. Also because I'm looking at it again and...ugh. Oh god. I have to go now.

The Legend of Wonder Woman #3

Rating: +3 Ranking.

I've been overly cynical about this title because it felt like a reaction to all of the nonsense about Wonder Woman's origin being too confusing (I'm including the nonsense that that was even an actual belief at DC). But this is good shit. Even if it is a marketing decision to cleanse any bad taste left in the mouths of fans from Azzarello's plot decisions, it works. It's a solid story well told and could easily be adapted as the script for a Wonder Woman origin movie. It doesn't even have to be the first Wonder Woman movie, especially since she's being introduced in the middle of her character arc in Batman Loves Superman: Dawn of Just Us. Let the first Wonder Woman movie advance from there with her origins still being a mystery to those who don't already know it. This could be a follow-up with a smaller, puffier B-story happening in the present. Preferably a story that takes place in a Sex Dungeon.