Gotham Academy #16

Rating: No change.

It's probably time for Gotham Academy to begin tackling real issues in the way Degrassi Junior High did. When is Maps going to realize she's trans? When is Heathcliff going to return and begin stalking and terrorizing Pomeline? When is Olive going to make a pass at Pomeline at a party only to be rebuffed by the super-duper heterosexual and probably eighteen year old Pomeline because Pomeline is totally into me? When is Colton going to overdose on heroin after burning down the gymnasium with fireworks during the Spring Dance? When is Kyle going to realize he's too cool for Pizza Detective Club and tell the nerds to take a fucking hike?! When is Hugo Strange going to be arrested for selling child pornography? When is Wheels going to kill a kid in a drunk driving accident immediately after graduation?

Catwoman #50

I didn't realize Catwoman's leathers were fireproof.

Rating: -1 Ranking.

I suppose for how convoluted the "Run Like Hell" story became, it's passable for a heist gone wacky story. The dialogue is for crap but the story allows Selina to get one over on Lex Luthor because it's her comic book. But forget that story. Let's talk about the back-up story, "Night at the Museum."

Was this a time travel story? Why did it take place fifteen years ago when the established timeline of The New 52/DC Youniverse is somewhere between six and nine years old? How old was Selina supposed to be in that story? Eight? By her looks, I'd say the minimum age she could have been was fifteen. So she's supposed to be thirty? I suppose that makes her age appropriate for Batman, right? Hell, Rebirth is coming so it doesn't matter anyway! The question I should be asking is "Why the fuck was this Origin of the Black Mask's Mask story in Catwoman?!" Even though I have no interest in more Black Mask stories, the next Catwoman story had better be about Catwoman and her relationship with this mask!

The New Titans #62 (January 1990)

Anybody paying the kind of close attention they probably aren’t paying because this isn’t about them might notice that I skipped The New Titans #60 and #61. That’s because I don’t own them. They’re two parts of the five part A Lonely Place of Dying which just happened to come out in the fall of my first year of college. So instead of being anywhere near my local comic book shop, I was in Portland and had other things to do than instantly find a new local shop. By the time I got around to finding Pegasus Comics (now, apparently, Things From Another World) to pick up any back issues I’d missed, A Lonely Place of Dying was either sold out or already being sold for way more than cover price. Speculation may not have ramped up into a frenzy but it was good enough to sellout Batman books, especially when they had plots dramatically changing things up with the characters.

Or, you know, I had them stored in another box with the rest of "A Lonely Place of Dying" and will eventually get around to reviewing them in 2019 and you've read those reviews in order and you just read the opening to this review and were thinking, "What the fuck is this delusional idiot talking about?" Well, sirs and ladies, I am not delusional. I'm just unstuck in time.

This issue reintroduces Deathstork into the mix because by the end of the year (or sometime in the next), he’d be starring in his own series. I’ll be rereading those in conjunction with the Titans books when I get to that time. And then the Team Titans come around and I’ll have to dig out those too! So basically, I’ll still be reading a shit-ton of Wildebeest stories.

This story is a bit of a Wildebeest-Lite story. No Wildebeest but a conspiracy of Wererat movers and shakers who are reminiscent of Wildebeest. They look like The Hyena but he’s a Firestorm foe which is why I’m not mentioning him anymore.

Also, the Titans have stumbled into a situation that will involve them saving people’s lives and acting heroic. Lucky them! Unless all of their fathers turn out to be Wererats too. Which is totally possible.

Starfire #10

This orgy does not take place until next issue. What a rip-off!

Rating: No change.

If you're looking for a comic book where the main character saves the day while also getting naked occasionally and also in her underwear occasionally and often talks about fucking everything, this is the comic book for you! It also sounds like the comic book for me except it isn't. Perhaps if it were a bit more Heavy Metally! As it is, it's just a lot of innuendo and stray wisps of smoke or bright light hiding all the most exciting bits of Starfire's body. Oh! I just realized what kind of monthly periodical is more for me than this: Penthouse!

The New Titans Annual #5 (1989)

The New Titans actually help save the world! Although it’s a little bit tied up in Cyborg’s Daddy Issues. I won’t hold that against them though because they stop several terrorists from destroying a bunch of nuclear reactors. Their best move, though, is calling Clark Kent and asking him if he could get all of the other heroes in the world to save most of the nuclear power plants since they only had time to save two.

This issue also included a copy of National DC Comiquirer which was well-written and informative!

According to The New 52, it actually did take a genius to figure it out.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #10

DC Comics covers run the gamut from The Omega Men's beautifully thematic travel posters to this poorly laid out dreck.

Rating: -1 Ranking.

I am ten times dumber after reading this. And I wasn't very smart to begin with. Thanks a lert, Scert Lerbderll. Der.

The Sheriff of Babylon #4

Another fantastic blurb that coldly dissects a comic so that the reader knows that the frog isn't just a frog but a package of disgusting parts nobody fucking wanted to experience in their free time just so the reviewer could sound intelligent, and then calmly tilts the empty corpse into the bin while the reviewer goes off to suck his own dick.

I realize that the above caption is sexist but I'm not a big fan of the phrase "goes off to eat her own pussy."

So now that I've read the blurb, do I really need to read this comic book? I now know what it's about! And even if it isn't about that and about a whole bunch of other things (which it fucking well is but who am I to tell anybody how to read this book?), my mind is now attuned to this fucking reviewer's interpretation! "Hey fellas! Here's a bit of hip triv ya might not have ever considered before in your slap dash life of Facebook video games and daily perusal of slightly smutty young person Instagram pics! Did you know war makes people rich?! Hey-O! Wisdom, bitch! Blowin' yer mind, ain't I?! Good? Evil? Sometimes--get this!--you can't fucking tell which is which! WHOA! BOOM! DEAD!"

Here's my blurb for the series so far: "Who told you comics were supposed to be fun? Wrap your lips around this fucking downer, assholes!"

Just to clarify: that was a positive blurb!

Lastly, I'd just like to say Tom King is a writer. A fucking real deal writer. He isn't just writing monthly scripts to fill pages because comic books are middle stories that don't really exist in the traditional narrative mode. He's writing stories that have a reason for being told with characters that act from personal motivation and not because the plot demands them to act a certain way. This guy has that thing people call chops. I think. Is that a thing?

Also the art! Mitch Gerads kills this book every month. Murders it dead.

Just to clarify: that was a positive sentence!