Metallo! (as seen in Superman and crap)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Roger C. Corben
Occupation: Criminal [Amateur.]
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: John Corben (brother, deceased)
Group Affiliation: Formerly with Skull
Base of Operations: Metropolis
First Appearance: SUPERMAN #310
Height: 6'2½" Weight: 310 lbs.
Eyes: Blue Hair: Blond

HISTORY
Roger Corben was shocked and saddened to learn that his brother John, a successful reporter, had become a criminal known as Metallo. His body crushed in an accident, John Corben was the product of a successful experiment with cybernetics and became a super-criminal. Metallo had nearly beaten Superman (see Superman II) when fate intervened and John died.

Hoping to get revenge on Superman, Roger joined the criminal organization known as Skull (see Skull). In his first confrontation with Superman, Corben met disaster when another Skull agent aimed a deadly raygun at Dr. Albert Michaels (see Atomic Skull), and Superman deflected the blast, causing it to hit a portion of the S.T.A.R. Labs building (see Scientific and Technological Advanced Research), and a mass of debris crashed into Corben.

In fact, Michaels was working with Skull, and the whole incident had been orchestrated to crush, not kill, Corben. Skull scientists duplicated the construction of a mechanical body for Corben, transforming him into the second Metallo.

Unlike the original construct, this second Metallo was powered by a form of artificial kryptonite (see Kryptonite), later replaced by the real mineral.

The new Metallo's first battle with the Man of Steel ended with the villain apparently using a "self-destruct" button to kill himself. In fact, it had only faked death in his artificial body, and he later revived at the morgue to go after not only Superman but Skull as well--for he had discovered their duplicity in causing his accident and so making him less than human.

Over the last few years, Metallo has frequently tried to best the Metropolis Marvel, only to be defeated time and again. In addition, Metallo has also been bested by Blue Devil (see Blue Devil) [It's like they threw that last sentence in there just to humiliate Metallo.].

POWERS & WEAPONS
Metallo is all metal except his head--a metal stronger than that of the first Metallo. His robot body is fitted with a moveable chestplate, operated by buttons on his wristband, enabling him to open his chest to expose Superman to his Kryptonite "heart." [Those quotation marks are making me very uncomfortable.] He rides through the air on a Skull-designed jet-scooter [They're just as embarrassing as they sound.].

Black Adam #1

Totally makes sense that Black Adam takes over Justice League of America. If we were on Earth 7!

The top five selling DC Comic books in August all had one of two things in common: Batman and Superman. Which tells me something nobody else needed to have told to them: comic book fans aren't interested in interesting or well-told stories. They're only interested in their favorite characters. But how do you get fans interested in other characters when they're spending all of their Comic Book money on all of the Batman and Superman titles flooding the stands? Oh, that's right. You don't. You just keep publishing comic books without Batman and Superman just to watch them slowly fail as comic book stores order less and less copies every month because they're not all selling which means less copies on the shelves for new fans to find which means the comic quickly begins circling the drain. I'm just a stupid fan of comic books that tell entertaining stories (like books not written by Ann Nocenti), so I don't know how to fix the problem so that book sales reflect quality. Perhaps it would help if comic book reviewing sites were honest about the quality of every comic instead of trying to get free advertising by being quoted by the comic book company for the trade paperback advertisements. Every comic book reviewing site that had an "It fucking rocks!" blurb associated with The Red Hood and the Outlaws collected trades should be labeled. I just have to determine what the labels say!

"We Will Suck DC's Cock for Page Views!"
"Shittiest Review Site on the Web Web Ring Member!"
"We Tongue Kiss Our Mothers With Mouths That Praised Red Hood and the Outlaws!"
"Sometimes Our Local Comic Book Shop Puts Dog Turds in Our Pull Boxes and We Don't Even Notice!"
"We Write Ambiguous Reviews That Fool Consumers Just to Get Free Advertising!"
"We Are Truly, Truly Sorry That You Can't Trust Anything We Say."

Maybe review sites don't help sales anyway. I'm not saying that I'm a review site but I do know I sang the praises of Demon Knights for pretty much its entire run and it didn't fucking help. And now All Star Western is nearly at the bottom of the sales charts. And The Movement is barely higher than Katana. Are you fucking kidding me?! If there's any proof that sales aren't linked to quality, it's that. Katana is the worst written comic currently in The New 52. And The Movement is exciting and full of interesting characters. But they're selling equally as well. It's all just so depressing. Why did I ever get back into reading comic books? The fans are a bunch of illiterate heathen Batman groupies!

Maybe DC could license Wolverine and they could have him star in comic books with low sales and grab up all the Wolverine groupie money! Holy shit! That would be a bonanza! Get your lawyers on that, DC!

Anyway, on to Black Adam, the greatest comic book you'll read this year! If you haven't been reading Geoff Johns Shazam, you've been missing out on the greatest serialized story since Tristram Shandy! Or maybe something by Dickens like Bleak House. Was that one serialized? Probably. It's so fucking long! I'm fairly confident the art in this comic book will blow your mind! I haven't actually looked at it yet but when DC uses my quote, they can just ellipses off the beginning of that last sentence!

Here's another blurb for the Villains Month Omnibus: "The art and story combined create bodily juices you never knew you could secrete! Although why the editor's didn't notice that Kahndaq is spelled wrong, I don't know. Perhaps they were distracted by their new bodily fluids!"

Kahndaq has this legend, see? About this superman? With a lightning bolt on his chest? Have you ever noticed how many seemingly literate and competent people type "lightening" when they mean "lightning?" They should stop doing that. I don't even consider it a typo. It's just plain ignorance. Man, I wish I had the guts to have typed "plane ignorance" there and leave it. But then I'd be the only one to get the joke and everybody would simply go straight to the comments section to correct me and point out what a fucking hypocritical moron I am. But I just don't have the strength of character to pull off a joke like that without feeling judged by everybody on the internet. How come everybody on the internet is so judgmental? Am I the only earnest, sweet, lovable, kind person left on the internet?

Speaking of earnest, sweet, lovable, kind people, Black Adam is not one of them. He is the mythical champion of Kahndaq but he's also a vicious bastard. But he's only an asshole to people that would harm Kahndaq. And to Shazam, of course! But Black Adam was turned into a pile of ashes when Billy Batson tricked him into returning to his mortal form that couldn't keep its shit together being that it was thousands of years old. But he might not be completely dead because he's on the cover of this issue! A terrorist group has an ancient scroll and they're ready to figure out what it says because it's probably a spell to bring back Black Adam. And by terrorist group, I mean oppressed people in trouble with the law who are just trying to make their way the only way they know how.

Every ancient scroll either comes from The Book of the Dead or the Necronomicon, depending on if the author is going for realism or complete insanity. Since this spell is about resurrection, I would have chosen the Necronomicon. Or the Necronomicomicon.

In the comic book world, nothing happens in secret. Somebody always knows something no matter how super secret something is supposed to be. And the Sons of Adam know that Shazam turned Black Adam to dust and that he collected the ashes and that he dumped the ashes in Kahndaq. And now they're at that exact location to cast the spell. I suppose the Sons of Adam have an ever-present news broadcast running in the background of their headquarters so they can keep up with everything that happens no matter how many people weren't there to see it. If people know that Shazam turned Black Adam to dust then they know that Billy Batson is Shazam since he was Billy Batson when he convinced Black Adam to say "Shazam" and transform into skin and bones (mostly bones. Very brittle bones).

If I want to be less cynical, I suppose if I were living in a country that believed in a great mythical champion with a lightning bolt on his chest and I saw a superhuman with a lightning bolt on his chest smash an urn full of ashes over Kahndaq, I might begin suggesting it has something to do with Black Adam. But that's only if I wanted to be less cynical. And I don't really want to be since I'm still pissed off that Task Force X is a super secret government organization that everybody fucking knows about.

Anyhow, it doesn't matter what kind of vitriolic pablum I spew onto the internet in a narcissistic need to make my ridiculous opinions known (which I'm not very good at anyway because who can tell when I'm serious or when I'm just making a joke? Maybe I need two blogs!). Black Adam is resurrected and all is now right with the world.

I think what I meant to say was "Black Adam is resurrected and all is now right with Black Adam."

Black Adam overthrows the current leader of Kahndaq and declares the people free. He shall protect and watch over them. But doesn't he feel the need to get vengeance on Billy Batson? What happened to his passionate hatred for Shazam? I suppose he'd rather just forget about that unfortunate incident in his life. Why would he want to repeat that encounter and get his ass kicked all over again, right?

And that's when Black Adam reads a message that appears on a tablet nearby that says, "This World is Ours." He completely flips the fuck out. Calm down, asshole. How do you know the tablet's owner hadn't just been playing a video game before you crushed him with a statue? Why am I always questioning comic book characters on their actions? They obviously have better instincts than I do because they always jump to the right conclusion and very rarely waste any time.

Black Adam #1 Rating: Aren't you all just loving the Reboot? The longer it goes, the more things return to the old universe! Here go again with Black Adam protecting Kahndaq! Just like it was before The New 52. My guess is everything will be absolutely back to how it was three years ago in five years time. But DC will have probably made more money than they would have otherwise and everybody else will just feel like nearly a decade of stories were lost as everything needed to be retold to get to where everything was when it was thrown away. Other than that, it wasn't too bad!

Black Adam! (as seen in Justice League)

Alter Ego: Teth-Adam
Occupation: Would-be conqueror
Marital Status: Presumed single
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Ancient Egypt, later mobile
First Appearance: MARVEL FAMILY #1, (current version) SHAZAM: THE NEW BEGINNING #1
Height: 6' Weight: 198 lbs.
Eyes: Brown Hair: Black

HISTORY
The wizard Shazam (see Shazam) was, in his prime, a great champion of justice who helped the people of ancient Egypt in their rise to civlilization. Around 3000 B.C. Shazam sought to create a new champion to carry on in Egypt in his place.

The wizard chose an Egyptian named Teth-Adam, whom he correcly believed to be a good man. Shazam mystically endowed Teth-Adam with powers possessed by six Egyptian gods. Hence, upon speaking Shazam's name, Teth-Adam was transformed by a bolt of mystic lightning into a superhuman costumed being, whom Shazam named "Mighty Adam."

Mighty Adam possessed the extraordinary stamina of the god Shu, the great swiftness of Heru, the vast strength of Amon, the wisdom of Zehuti, the superhuman power of Aton, and the courage of Mehen.

Shazam commanded Mighty Adam to serve the first pharaoh of Egypt, Menes, who had been trained by Shazam himself, and to battle evil throughout the world. Then Shazam departed, intending never to return.

For a time Mighty Adam served the pharaoh well, and acted as the protector of ancient Egypt. He even helped in building one of the first pyramids. But it was while Adam stood atop that pyramid that he began to contemplate becoming the ruler of Egypt himself.

Later, Adam killed Menes and declared himself pharaoh, launching his tyrannical rule of Egypt. Shazam returned but was unable to kill Adam. Instead, at the cost of great physical strain to himself, Shazam cast a mighty spell that banished Adam into hyperspace. Shazam intended that Adam would be trapped there for eternity. Adam was now known as Khem-Adam, which is translated into English as "Black Adam."

Recently, knowing that Black Adam would soon be freed, Shazam transformed the teenage Billy Batson into super-powered Captain Marvel to battle him (see Captain Marvel).

Soon afterwards, the scientist Dr. Thaddeus Bodog Sivana (see Sivana) used his advanced technology to bring Black Adam to Earth. Black Adam attempted to dominate the world but clashed with Captain Marvel, who succeeded in trapping him in hyperspace once more.

POWERS & WEAPONS
On saying the name "Shazam," Teth-Adam was transformed by an enchanted bolt of lightning into a superhuman being with the powers of six Egyptian gods, including super-strength, virtual invulnerability, super-speed, and the ability to fly. If Black Adam says "Shazam" again, another bolt of mystic lightning will return him to his original human form.

Man-Bat #1

How come there was never a Boy-Robin?

I'm not sure when I really began to hate Man-Bat. It might have been yesterday after reading his Who's Who entry. He can transform into a bat and control it! But not he can't control it and he's insane! But now Batman gave him the antidote! Now he can control his bat transformations! Oh no but he went insane again! Now he wants to fuck his wife as a bat! Now she's gone insane! Now they're both sane! But their child is dying and it drives them insane! I think they also went insane from a vampire bat bite at one time.

Or my hatred for Man-Bat may have started earlier. It could have been when every fucking package of Heroclix had a useless Man-Bat figure inside of it so I had to field three Gotham City Cops, two Checkmate Agents, six Man-Bats and Desaad. Stupid useless garbage game.

Why must DC keep every character some jerk created and then keep them around for decades? You guys realize you can kill the shitty ones, right? Just because some writer was up against a deadline for a Batman story, threw a bunch of Batman comics on the floor in anger so they lined up and said "ManBatmanmanBatBatBatman," and was suddenly inspired to write a shitty story about a man that wants to have sonar for some idiotic reason, it doesn't make that a go-to story for future Batman epics. I'm sure somebody can point out a good Man-Bat story somewhere in DC's history and all I have to say to that someone is, "Go fuck yourself."

Man this story better suck ass or I'm going to be eating crow stuffed with my words in an hour or two.

The issue begins with a 3rd Grade Oral Report on bats and I'm suddenly thinking, "Rob Liefeld? Are you back, Rob?! Is that you!?" Alas, it is not. It happens to be Frank Tieri who co-wrote some of the crappiest New 52 books so far with Mr. Liefeld! It's good to see some of Liefeld's ability rubbed off on Mr. Tieri.

It begins, "Bats are like most animals. They prey on the weak. The vulnerable." Yeah! Fucking cows and deers and giraffes and shit! Preying on all the weak leaves and grasses! Fucking turds. And bats are the worst! Total fucking bullies, going after insects and fruit! Why don't you eat something your own size, you jerko bats!? How dare you eat those poor, weak loquats! And preying on the elderly and the wise! Animals are the worst!

Small children are probably the opposite of venerable, so they must be wea...oh! Vulnerable! Never mind.

It's okay for Woman-Bat to be around children because she doesn't have nipples. Although she does enjoy killing and eating them, so that's a bit of a downer. At least the parents don't have to explain titties to the kids. They'd probably get it all wrong anyway and point out that boobies are sex objects and should be covered all of the time instead of saying, "Boobies? You mean the things that were in your mouth for most of your childhood but now I'm teaching you to sexualize? Yeah, you can't see those fucking awesome things, kids."

Woman-Bat is completely insane which is a problem as I pointed out earlier. But Man-Bat is currently sane so it's his job to stop her from eating the children. It's also his job to constantly lament the fact that she used him and never loved him and their marriage was a sham and poor, poor fucking Kirk Langstrom! Abused by life! Treated shabbily! Without worth! The worst character in the DC Universe!

Man-Bat battles Woman-Bat until she transforms into a sexy topless woman.

Sure! Now the panels are just face shots! Stupid Teen Ratings. I should be doing a blog about Heavy Metal! Weren't you just listening to me when I said boobies aren't sex objects?! Now show them to me!

The cops arrive on the scene because I don't know when the fuck this takes place. I guess Batman is busy or dead or napping or something. But this doesn't appear to be Gotham City after the Crime Syndicate appeared unless the criminals have all declared the kid's parks off-limits. Except for feeding, of course. So Man-Bat flies off before he's accused of man-bat-handling a lady.

Kirk's next journal entry (Day 7!) states that Woman-Bat was charged with a bunch of murders so I guess the police recognized her in her hot topless form since, well, let's be honest. She was pretty fucking sexy as a Bat as well.

Oh, but by Day 7, Batman is gone and Gotham has gone crazy. Man-Bat believes it's up to him to fight crime in Batman's absence. But I read the same Who's Who Entry that I bet Frank Tieri did! Man-Bat was in control but now he's going to lose control before Batman has to return to put him back in control! It's about the only thing you can do with this character, I guess.

Oh, you naive Bat-Bastard.

I bet Frank Tieri didn't even want the job of writing Man-Bat. I bet he pulled the shortest straw in the office! Although if he'd given DiDio a hand job, he probably wouldn't be stuck with this task! That was a "pulling a small penis" joke! And the penis was Dan DiDio's! Not that there is anything wrong with small penises! I don't think. How should I know? I'm not a doctor of small penises?!

Man-Bat goes out to protect Gotham and massacres a bunch of street thugs in front of a child and his parents. So cool! Now that kid has an awesome story for Show and Tell! And it'll be the best story if he brings one of the thugs severed limbs or detached heads!

Eventually Kirk loses total control and goes insane. Fucking waste of time. Why did I even read this thing?! Man-Bat is crazy then he's not crazy then he's crazy then he's not crazy. I don't know whether he's crazy or not but I do know he fucking sucks.

Yep. I guess the playgrounds are off-limits to hoodlums. Unless they're hungry.

Man-Bat #1: Has this story just not been told enough? Is it a morality tale that still rings true? Is it about drug abuse? Loss of self-control? Arrogance? Bitter marriages? I know one thing it isn't about: entertainment! Thanks for being just as stupid as you've always been, Man-Bat! Now instead of crow stuffed with my own words, I'm going to go eat pancakes stuffed with victory!

Man-bat! (as seen in Batman and shit)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Kirk Langstrom
Occupation: Zoologist, former Detective
Marital Status: Married
Known Relatives: Francine (wife), Rebecca Elizabeth (daughter), Britt (sister)
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Gotham City, formerly New York City and Chicago
First Appearance: DETECTIVE COMICS #400
Height: 6'1" Weight: 201 lbs.
Eyes: (as Langstrom) Brown, (as Man-Bat) Red [Why do all "monster-types" have Red or Black eyes?]
Hair: Brown

HISTORY
Dr. Kirk Langstrom was the resident authority on nocturnal mammals at the Gotham Museum of Natural History. Inspired by his admiration of The Batman (see Batman II), Langstrom hoped to give himself a natural sonar power like a bat's by taking increasing doses of a compound he extracted from a certain gland in bats [Anal.]. Langstrom succeeded, but to his horror, the compound also turned him into a grotesque bat-like creature. In this form Langstrom fought The Batman and turned increasingly insane. Finally, Langstrom forced his fiancée, Francine Lee, to let him turn her into a bat-like creature so they could mate. The Batman succeeded in injecting both Langstrom and Lee with an antidote [Batman Semen!], restoring them to human form and sanity.

Later, after being bitten by a vampire bat, Francine would uncontrollably become a vampiric bat-like creature under a full moon. Eventually, however, Francine was apparently permanently cured, and she no longer changes into bat-like form.

Able to change back and forth between his human and bat forms, using serums, Lamgstrom [Not my typo!] became a crimefighter as Man-Bat, emulating his hero, The Batman. Langstrom and Francine were married and had a daughter, Rebecca.

Rebecca became deathly ill, and what Langstrom thought was the only serum that could cure her was spilled in a fight between The Batman and a criminal. The Batman knew that the serum had been contaminated earlier, and Rebeccca was later curd by other means [With the help of Superman in DC Comics Presents!]. However, unjustly believing The Batman had nearly caused Rebecca's death, Langstrom sank into a severe depression. Accidentally taking an overdose of his bat-gland formula, Langstrom went insane upon next becoming Man-Bat. The Batman restore Langstrom to normal, but by forgetting to take the antidote regularly, Langstrom reverted to being the insane Man-Bat again. Once more The Batman restored him to human form [This entry is just a bunch of sentences comprised of "turned into Man-Bat" and "turned back into Langstrom." It's super exciting!].

Today Langstrom again appears to be in control of his transformations and remains sane when in his Man-Bat form.

POWERS & WEAPONS
By taking his bat-gland formula, Kirk Langstrom can transform himself into a bat-like creature. He can return to human form by taking an antidote.

As Man-Bat, Langstrom possesses superhuman strength, super-sensitive hearing, and the ability to fly at great speeds.

Like a bat, Man-Bat has natural sonar. He emits high-pitched sound waves and can hear the echoes they make when they bounce off nearby objects. Thus Man-Bat can navigate perfectly even in pitch blackness.

Parasite #1

This just looks like an advert for a Mexican candy called, "For, yes, you!"

I wrote a script for Parasite for Villains Month but DC rejected it. So I'm going to publish the first two pages here. I have no idea why DC rejected it! Jerkos!

Page One, One Panel
The Parasite is naked in a bathtub clipping his toenails with hedge clippers.
Narration Box #1: My name is The Parasite.
Narration Box #2: I was created from the burning worry of millions of apoplectic American citizens concerned about the sanctity of marriage.
Narration Box #3: Religious marriage, of course, although it didn't hurt my power levels that the idiots fucking thought that a religious definition of marriage should be upheld by the laws of the land.
Narration Box #4: Especially a land built upon a strong foundation of keeping religion out of the law books and the law books out of religion. Unless your religion called for the sacrificing of young children to your loving God by means of not giving them medicine that could easily cure fatal fungal foot infections.
Narration Box #5: That's just how I was conceived, though. There's much more to me than that.
Narration Box #6: As I said: My name is The Parasite.

Page Two, Four Panels
Panel One
A tiny purple cloud hovering over the head of picketers with signs like, "There's no 'gay' in Monogamy!," and "A penis's place is in the vagina!"
Narration Box #1: Consciousness! So sudden and beautiful! To be aware! To be bathed in self-knowledge! To be happy that I had yet to grow aural organs and have to listen to the inane chanting that brought me into this world!

Panel Two
A small, bald purple toddler with a big round mouth full of teeth wandering a suburban cul-de-sac.
Narration Box #1: Born from withholding, I grew up quickly in the sprawl around cities, feeding off the hatred of the desperate and the poor.

Panel Three
A bald, purple teen obviously wanking in the bushes as a man and woman pass by in conversation.
Man: "We need more government spy programs to keep foreigners from blowing up our children's daycares!"
Woman: "But where will the money come from when the poor are taking it all in government handouts for food and shelter?"

Panel Four
A bald, purple man lighting a cigar with a fat wad of cash.
Narration Box #1: I grew might on America's fear and hatred of the Other, those they blamed on the decline of family values; the poor and sick they saw were to blame for bankrupting our country; pacifists that dared point out that their heroes were dying in vain in corporate wars; anybody different from them for any reason, they called a Parasite, and I fed and my cock grew large and powerful.

Pretty fucking good, hunh?! I filled it with Narration Boxes because DC loves those! And I couldn't help but begin it with an homage to Scott Lobdell since DC loves him! I think I probably should have edited Page Fifteen before sending it in though since I portrayed DC Comics' editors as deformed, inbred miscreants that fucked stacks of money all day long while reading Marvel Comic books. Oh well. I wanted to keep my artistic integrity intact more than I needed fat money from DC.

Well, let's see what script they decided to go with since they didn't seem to like mine for some reason.

Great! They chose an artist's script over mine! And an artist I've met so now I'm going to feel bad when I point out how awful it is out of bitterness, envy, and jealousy!

Three weeks previous to The Parasite diving head first off of the roof of a building in Suicide Slums in Metropolis, he was the greatest character in the history of characters created in Villains Month!

I just can't put my finger on why I like him so much.

I'm fairly certain that Aaron Kuder based this character on Puck from Real World San Francisco. Why? Because he's an Artist and not a Writer! No way an Artist could come up with this character straight out of his head! Maybe he could draw a guy on a bike but then when it came time to turn him into an actual character, he'd be all, "DUH! How make good character ization? Is that two words? Probably should be three words! Char actor ization. That make lot more sense. Tired now. Words hard." I'm almost positive that's how Artists write because I know that's the word version of how I, a Writer, draw! And no way in hell anybody is good at both! The chances of that happening are like 2 to 1 or even worse odds probably.

The Parasite is the worst bike delivery person of all time. I guess he isn't based on Puck because Puck was a messenger between businesses and massage parlors and bookies and shit instead of a guy that delivers packages. Editorial probably forced that change so that Puck wouldn't show up out of the blue demanding compensation for likeness rights like how Bill and Silent Ted did to Daredevil and Banksy in that Chasing Amelie movie.

Eventually The Parasite is hit by a car because that's what happens when you ride a bike like you own the road and are immortal instead of riding a bike as if you could die at any second. I'm not putting the blame on either the car or the bike in any given situation! All I know is that when I used to ride the Santa Cruz Hills, I didn't give a fuck about who had right of way! All I knew was that if a car and I tussled, I was probably going to be too dead to claim the driver was at fault.

Oh. Apparently there was no car. And Giant Booger Monsters always have right of way.

The Parasite gets lucky and defeats the Booger Monster by zapping it with a downed electrical wire. Which, luckily, doesn't kill him; he just winds up with a broken leg. Meaning he loses his job. Which leads to his girlfriend dumping him. In other words, he loses everything because he was a big jerk that called Metropolis "Jerk-o-opolis." He really should have just called it "Jerkopolis." That's where he went wrong in this time line. His life would have been amazing if he'd just gotten his derogatory name right.

His girlfriend calls him a Parasite when she walks out the door which, if you've been reading the Who's Who entries I've been posting, you know was a bad idea. Whenever anybody is dehumanized and called a name, they always rise up to claim that name as their evil moniker as they claim their revenge on a world that treated them a little bit shabbily.

Now that he's out of a job, he'll probably (like the original Parasite!) have to get a job with a research lab where he'll try to steal toxic waste and become a super-villain!

Joshua Michael Alan (that's his name for some reason! Probably because the original Parasite had three names) goes in to STAR Labs for testing (and because they're going to pay him) because of the contact he had with the Giant Booger Monster. They're not calling it that though. They call it the Humongous Mass of Alien Smegma. Anyway, the tests go about as expected and he turns into The Parasite!

After the Origin Story is complete, the comic book returns to The Parasite plunging to his death. But Superman doesn't respect people's choices and decides to save The Parasite's life because Superman obviously knows better. At least Batman would have stayed out of it. Of course when Superman catches him, The Parasite feeds a bit too much.

Oh! I get it! He's a parasite!

No wonder The Parasite wants to infect Superman. Parasites have the best life when they can find a host that they don't kill while sucking up its energy. Although this also seems a bit like the food chain where Superman is the plant getting energy from the sun and The Parasite is the meat eater taking the energy from Superman's meat. Loads and loads of it! Except in my analogy Superman was a plant so if The Parasite is going to feed off of Superman, that makes him an herbivore. Stupid analogies. Why can't I ever get them right?!

Fuck analogies anyway. Anybody who has ever used an analogy in a serious discussion is an asshole that's just trying to avoid the actual topic.

Superman should allow The Parasite to live in his bathtub back at the Fortress of Solitude. The Parasite wouldn't be hurting anybody and Superman has lots and lots of excess energy. He could just visit from time to time and let the Parasite suck him off a bit. No harm done! Of course it might be a bit embarrassing if Superman ever lets Batman use his bathroom.

Batman: "Hey Clark. There's a naked purple guy in your bathtub. You know what he tried to do to me while I was in there?"
Superman: "Oh yeah. Um. Sorry about that. That's just Josh. He's my, um, uhh...Alfred!"
Batman: "Hmm. I'm going to have to have a talk with Alfred if he's attempting to blow guests when they come over."

The Parasite learns he can steal Superman's powers.

The power doesn't last long when Parasite uses it though and he's quickly back down to skinny purple guy. Superman freezes him with his Cold Breath (why is his breath cold? Mine isn't cold! He's a freak!) and The Parasite winds up in Belle Reve. But we all know what happened to Belle Reve this month! Break out! After the breakout, The Parasite was last seen hitching a ride into Metropolis to find Superman to feast on again. He must not have heard that Superman is dead.

The Parasite #1 Rating: I don't fucking know what I want anymore! My favorite comic books are being written by Artists lately! This is a confusing and complex situation! I love well-written comic books. I can't get enough of those (which makes one wonder why I'm reading so many of The New 52!). But I also love comicky comic books! I enjoy something that's silly and whimsical and just fucking entertaining. Which this was, possibly because I liked the Bike Messenger so much. But this book reminds me quite a bit of Chris Burnham's stories when he was writing Batman of Japan. They're funny and whimsical and full of comic book goodness. I think some Writers are just trying too hard. Dark and disastrous and dramatic don't necessarily make for good story. Whatever Aaron Kuder put into this issue of The Parasite, he needs to share that amongst his fellow creators. Especially how even though it was rather goofy origin story, it actually ends on a page of pure malevolence as The Parasite threatens to kill a woman's child so she'll give him a lift back to Metropolis.

This wouldn't make my "favorite comic" list but it was light and entertaining and I liked it. I often mention how possibly the funniest movie I've ever seen in a theater was Jackass. But I'd never claim it was one of the best comedies ever made. I can only attest to the fact that it had me crying in laughter throughout. Comic books like this one are a rare find and I miss them.

The Parastie! (as seen in Superman and crap)

This might be the first ever picture of somebody getting teabagged after being defeated.

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Raymond Maxwell Jensen
Occupation: Professional Criminal
Marital Status: Unknown
Known Relatives: Lorna Jensen (wife) [I'm sure this "unknown" and "Lorna" situation will be resolved in the HISTORY! Perhaps it's just not known if Lorna served the divorce papers after Raymond turned into a raging purple exhibitionist.], Trini Jensen (daughter), Troy Jensen (son)
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Metropolis [Specifically, "Marv's House of Gloryholes." Because he sucks out people's essential juices and his mouth is perfectly shaped!]
First Appearance: ACTION COMICS #340
Height: 6'3" Weight: 240 lbs.
Eyes: Black Hair: None (originally brown)

HISTORY
Maxwell Jensen was a real loser, having been fired from three jobs in one year [Holy fuck, that's a harsh and judgmental thing to say to somebody down on their luck! He just hadn't found his calling yet. Until that day he walked into "Marv's"!], when he got a position at a government lab as a handyman. There was larceny in his heart even then, and this led to the accident that transformed him into The Parasite [So he's a Larcenous Heart Grub?].

Superman (see Superman II) had been there, conducting experiments with radioactive elements from another galaxy. These concluded, the Man of Steel decontaminated himself and sealed the wastes securely in a radiation-proof container. Jensen was then ordered to take the wastes to the disposal center.

Jensen, having heard payrolls were sometimes shipped in such containers to fool criminals, took a peek [Okay, the introductory assumption was correct: loser.]. As a result, he was hideously burned and turned into a human atomic furnace, burning up energy so swiftly that he would have perished in minutes if he had not had the power to absorb energy from others just as quickly. He also absorbed their mentality, and thus became a genius.

He quickly conceived the idea of stealing Superman's powers, thus making himself the mightiest man alive. But this went awry because his body could not contain so much power at once. As a result, he disintegrated [This might be the most loose use of the phrase "went awry" in comic history.].

And this might have been the end of the Parasite had it not been for an alien geographer who was mapping Earth when he found his instruments blocked by a strange purplish cloud. Analyzing it, he found it registered a life force. Curious, the alien reconstructed it in his revival chamber--and The Parasite lived again.

Eventually, Jensen set out to steal Superman's power gradually, so as not to overload himself. He was helped by having previously used his powers to learn his foe's secret identity.

But this time, Superman was aided by others from the planet of the now-dead alien. He helped them capture The Parasite so they could bring him to justice, giving him a life sentence on a prison world.

It was not easy to keep a man with his powers confined, however, and he escaped. In the process, he was struck by a blast from a guard's ray weapon. This altered his molecular structure so that, even when he was again disintegrated, he was able to return to normal, as his cells automatically regrouped themselves [In other words, Science!].

Jensen was captured and sent to prison. However, he had a good lawyer--a woman who fell in love with him. He finally got paroled and married her, and they had twins.

Xviar, an alien, using the Earth name of Mr. Xavier, gathered together a group of Superman's foes to fight the Man of Might--including The Parasite. Thus it was that Jensen's power was restored. Now he could not return to his loved ones for fear of killing them by draining their energy.

When captured, The Parasite has been imprisoned in the Mount Olympus Correctional Facility (popularly known as Superman Island), in a cell designed to drain off his excess energy.

POWERS & WEAPONS
The Parasite needs no weapons, since he can absorb any powers and has thus used Superman's abilities against him. He also has abosrbed enough scientific knowledge to make himself a genius [Scientific knowledge alone does not make one a genius! It might make you boring or able to make incomprehensible small talk but it does not, in and of itself, make you a genius. Dumb dumbs!]. As Jensen, he was of average build and strength, but as The Parasite, he has become a mass of physical power [But how good is he at hand-to-hand combat? This Powers & Weapons section is useless.].