Team Seven #0

My first consideration was should I title this commentary "Team Seven" or "Team 7"? I went with Team Seven because that's what it says on the cover image to help readers interpret the really crappy looking T7 logo. Who thought up that piece of shit? Maybe I should back it up and simply ask who thought up the name Team Seven? Was this a Jim Lee thing? Because the name does not scream excitement or action. It screams, "This team has seven people on it!"

My next assignment before opening this comic book is to look up Justin Jordan. I can't say things look promising or not promising since his past work takes up just as many sentences as the work he's already done in the future. Here's 1/3 of his bio from ComicVine dot com: "In December of 2012, Jordan would go on to take writing duties for The New 52 title Deathstroke with issue #15, and launch the Luther Strode sequel, The Legend of Luthor Strode." Did I fall into a coma recently? Is it now 2013?! I think the DC Editors must be responsible for editing ComicVine.

Also, Justin Jordan has one monster of a neckbeard. Take that for what you will.

I'm not really very interested in this title. Most of the reasons are right there on the cover: gun, gun, gun, gun, gun, gun, gun, gun, gun, gun. I'm not sure what Deathstroke is going to do with his sword after the other six members have their say. And I'm not anti-gun at all! I just find that comic books where the protagonist wields a gun tend toward a type of action that I'm less interested in than say a protagonist that pulls rabbits out of his hat.

Here's a short story about how I used to have an irrational fear of guns (okay, a fear of guns isn't entirely irrational. But many people spend so much time on their fear of guns that they never feel safe at all if they know they exist). In high school, I wrote a paper about gun control because guns worried me. In college I reused the same paper with updated information. But I did sometimes worry down in my basement apartment with no real good lock on the door that if someone came down with a gun, I was in big trouble. Why did I worry about this? Who the fuck knows? Often it was just the kind of scared feeling that comes about on the verge of sleep.

So one night I have a dream. I'm in a convenience store when a guy pulls a gun and attempts to rob the place. The robbery goes bad and he begins shooting. My dream logic decided this was like a movie and the gun only had six bullets. So I knew if I could keep from being hit for just six shots, I'd be okay. I was counting the blasts when the fifth one caught me right in the neck. It was over. I was done. The blood gushed from neck in ragged pumps as my heart beat began to fade. I knew there was nothing I could do as I slowly faded away. And then I gently woke up. And I knew what I was afraid of. It wasn't guns at all. It was simply death. But the dream didn't just cure me of my fear of guns. I was also to work through the underlying fear of death in the realization that it was totally out of my control. Worrying about it was a waste of time. Most likely when death came for me, I wouldn't even notice. Here. Then gone. Just like that.

Not that I'm comfortable with a limited life span now. But that dream definitely changed me for the better. And now, on to Team Seven! The most excitingest newestest comic (at least it was last week. I guess Amethyst Princess of Gemworld has that title now) DC has published since The Phantom Stranger!

The first positive about the comic and Mister Jordan: it didn't begin with a splash page full of narration boxes! It's actually letting somebody speaking do the work! Yay!

I just got done saying how I'm a better person for discarding my fear and now this guy is telling me I have a right to be afraid! Jerk!

In a comic book fantasy world, I can probably get on board with what this guy is saying. But it's when this attitude is used in the real world that I find it disturbing. Making people afraid gets people to do awful and irrational things. Nobody should ever make a decision because they're afraid of something. Fear is generally just ignorance and can almost always be overcome with increased knowledge of the object of one's fears. But Americans seem to think owning a gun conquers fear. Which is probably why this guy speaking and the gun-laden cover go together like cookies and more cookies.

Mmm. I want more cookies.

Captain Sideburns continues with the fear instilling.

I think I covered my response to this earlier. Fear is never the appropriate reaction. Maybe an immediate reaction like when a skeleton jumps out at you. But you should not take that and remain in a state of wondering when the next fucking skeleton is going to jump out at you.

See? I'm debating with the comic book because that's what I do in my commentaries. But so far, two pages in, I like the comic. It's got my attention. It's telling its story using the medium of comics effectively. And in a world such as this, fear would most definitely sweep the country and the government would instantly create something like Team Seven to retain their power over this new and unknown potential threat.

Captain Sideburns is giving his report to six unknown beings on the other end of Black Monolith Webcams. I assume these are world leaders. Or other dimension reptilian overlords. Or Rothschilds. Whoever it is, they're people trying to maintain their control of the world. And they are funding Captain Sideburns to put together a team that will do whatever needs to be done so that these people don't lose their power. Captain Sideburns is now at the point where he describes all of the members for the readers.

The first two members are Dinah Drake and Kurt Lance. Dinah specializes in infiltration. Kurt specializes in tracking and operations. They both specialize in love! Although I don't know if they're an item yet. They argue like they are. Or they're arguing like they hate each other but will soon be in love. It's really hard to tell those two apart.

Dinah and Kurt are currently on a mission for Captain Sideburns to track down Slade Wilson, the tactical genius, and Alex Fairchild, the weapons expert. So far they all have assignments except for Slade who gets a compliment.

Captain Sideburns: "Okay Dinah! You're going to be in charge of infiltration. And Alex, you're going to build our weapons. Kurt, you'll be tracking our prey. And Slade, fuck. Slade. You, my man, are the smartest tactical mother fucker I've ever met."

Apparently something happened in Uruguay that left Slade and Alex in debt to Captain Sideburns. So Slade and Alex jump ship from the illicit Gen Factor dealer they're currently working for and join up with Team Seven on the spot.

Well, not exactly on the spot. Slight negotiations were needed.

The next member of the team is some guy named Bronson. He's some super stud that is the best at whatever he wants to be the best at. He's that guy. Every team needs the guy that can do everything better than everybody else. I'm surprised the team isn't made up of seven of him! Except then every missions would break down into muscle flexing and dick measuring contests. So maybe just the one awesome guy is okay.

Also, his DNA makes a killer low calorie smoothie.

 

Some crazy woman pilot named Captain Ramos is next on the list. She's asked to join because of her skills at piloting and her skill at being crazy. She joins up and my calculator freaks out. It must be broken! Let's see: 1 (Kurt) +1 (Dinah) +1 (Slade) +1 (Alex) +1 (Bronson) +1 (Ramos) +1 (Cole) +1 (Amanda) = 8. That can't be right! Stupid broken calculator. Can't you see this is Team Seven? Not Team Eight!

Cole Cash is picked up beating up French people in the first instance of a character in France without the Eiffel Tower anywhere to be seen!

Oh wait. Nevermind.

Cole Cash is wanted because he wears a stupid kerchief on his face. Also, he's a good shot with a gun. Plus he's a total conman that can squeeze information out of a non-squeeze bottle of information. He's got this technique where he taps the open rim on the edge of a table and sometimes sticks a butter knife up in it to get the information flowing. He's totally amazing at it and Team Seven just wouldn't work without him.

Last on the list is Amanda Waller. Because she "can put the pieces together." That's a very important talent to have if you don't want someone flying planes into your skyscrapers. What good is having the information if nobody knows what to do with it? She's also one tough cookie.

Fuck. Now I'm thinking about cookies again.

And since my calculator has already fucked up the equation, why not add Dean Higgins to the list? He's a master strategist which is somehow different than a genius tactician. But I'll let the "actually people" who don't understand my use of humor explain how it's different in the comments below.
And that's the team! Oh, here they are in their class picture:

Counting Captain "Lynch" Sideburns, that makes ten members! Maybe I did the math wrong. Or perhaps they're just counting penises?

Team Seven #0 Rating: Nowhere near the load of shit I was expecting.

The Ravagers #0

Howard Mackie is one of those Marvel writers that washed up at the offices of DC like a bunch of flotsam and jetsam that have no ability to write. Or maybe Marvel just left Howard Mackie, Scott Lobdell, Tom DeFalco, and Ann Nocenti in little baskets with the doorman in the DC Offices. And since Mackie is one of this legendary crew, my guess is that the first page will be a single static image with a bunch of narration boxes.

Oh, so close! I'm actually surprised there are dialogue boxes present.

Beast Boy's first day as a captive of The Colony. And it looks like Howard Mackie has continued the trend of NOWHERE being in the Antarctic, its original locale. And Harvest makes an appearance! Probably because he planned to make an appearance. And he's probably planning to have that appearance be a spectacularly crappy one.

You know, I love to hate on horrible writers being paid to do a horrible job, but I'd actually really like for one of them to surprise me and write a terrific comic book already. Especially since Mackie has been given control of Niles Caulder and the Doom Patrol.

Some technobabble experiments are run on Gar Logan, turning him into an Beast Boy and destroying all of his previous memories. Now he won't remember his father Steve Dayton (aka Mento, I think) and his mother Rita Farr (aka Elasti-Girl) and the manipulative jerk Niles Caulder (aka The Chief) and whatever other Doom Patrol members Mackie decides to go with. I'm sure Cliff (aka Robotman) will be one of them. But Harvest doesn't care about Gar's memories. He only wants to find a way to access this other energy field (The Red) which Gar's meta-gene allows him to access. Just like Brother Blood! Is this the way Beast Boy will come into conflict in every comic? Someone wants his access to The Red?

I have a bad feeling that DC is going to veer away from Harvest being Vampire Tim Drake from the future because the entire internet has probably already guessed it. Also, who is his helper? Splutter-Talk?

Since Beast Boy has a mystery to discover, Harvest leaves him to the scientists to continue experimenting on. In the meantime, he turns his attention to Terra.

That must be Splutter-Talk again. It's a good thing I'm not changing ranks based on Zero Issues because this comic would have already dropped two ranks for poorly edited speech bubbles.

Hey, you know what? Let's make that three ranks!

At this point, it's more believable that the character really is Splutter-Talk than that the editors and writers care so little about this comic book.

Four ranks?

"Commas go anywhere you want them, right?" Perhaps this comic book is called Ravagers because they ravage the English language?

At this point, I'm not even following the story. I'm just looking for more errors!

While Omen and Harvest discuss the "Phase-5 Recruits" (whatever those are), Omen makes a statement that needs a comma! So I guess it was just misplaced by three panels. But now that Harvest and Oman and Splutter-Talk have discussed Terra and Beast Boy, what are they going to do for the next 13 pages?

Oh, they're going to dick slap all meaning out of the title of this issue.

If you check back to the first panel I scanned, you'll see the title of this issue was "Day One." So, now, um, the next day of Day One ready to commence!

During Day Two of Day One, more experiments are performed on Beast Boy and the English Language.

And Gar in his undies!

The other members of the "Phase 5 Recruits" are, of course, Lightning, Thunder, and Ridge. It must have all been in Harvest's plan to have the Phase 5 Recruits join together to become The Ravagers. It's such a perfect plan because it makes no sense but it all happened so it must have been part of Harvest's plan. Good work, Harvest!

The Phase Fivers are thrown into the general population. It's so exciting to know that they have The Culling Crossover in their future! Oh, the anticipation! It's like those jerks on that Urn from Greece. Forever expecting The Culling but never having to be completely and utterly disappointed by it. They will live in blissful ignorance of the mess you get when Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco write a crossover together.

This might be my favorite error so far. It's so meta!

Beast Boy has been picked as one of the first combatants in a fight to the death in the not cliche at all arena called The Pit (or was it The Pitt?). But Terra stands up for him and offers to take his place. Harvest is so confused by this that he uses two pieces of punctuation.

Why is Harvest confused? Shouldn't this have been the plan? And another wasted comma, Omen? Holy fuck. Eddie Berganza and Darren Shan must have been jerking each other off when they were supposed to be editing this comic.

I want to say that I'm being biased and picking nits with these errors but they're all so blatantly bad! Maybe I'm the only one that cares about this next one which was in the panel immediately following that last panel.

I know comic books use ellipsis in their own way by connecting the beginning of a sentence to its end when separated by a narration box or another speech bubble. But they usually do it correctly enough with a three dot ellipsis which just indicates a pause. But a four dot ellipsis is only used for an unfinished thought. Which this thought obviously is not. Do you care about this little lesson, Howard? Howard? HOWARD? *fap fap fap fap fap* Ah, he's busy.

Terra is shoved into the pit to take Beast Boy's place since she surprised Harvest. I'm sure later he'll explain exactly how this was all part of his plan, even the feigned surprise. But before he can trade paperback retcon what just happened, Terra has to fight against three other foes. I guess Phase Fivers are expected to show more strength than the lesser Phasers.

She has to battle against The Guy Who Can't Masturbate, Dentally Handicapped Tri-Klops, and The Wookie Without Love.

Beast Boy turns into a tiger and saves Terra. Then Terra and Beast Boy use their powers in ways they hadn't up until then because they were holding back. And Harvest is impressed. Because this was all part of the plan!

That's so completely Tim Drake. Even his mask is a red Bat Symbol.

The Ravagers #0 Rating: Unedited.

Batman and Robin #0

In my past commentaries, I asked a few questions that have been answered by DC recently. Sort of answered. I had an issue with how short a time Batman had to train and deal with four separate Robins. Now DC has altered some of the trade paperbacks to note that Tim Drake was never a normal Robin. He has always been Red Robin. But they altered it in such a way that he was still "Batman's Boy Wonder." So that doesn't actually change the time line for Batman training Robins. It does possibly allow for two Robins to have worked together. My guess is that would be Jason Todd as Robin and Tim Drake as Red Robin. I say this sort of answers my question because it really just makes everything messier.

My second question was whether or not DC would alter Trade Paperbacks to fix continuity mistakes and if you bothered to read the first paragraph of my commentary like a socially responsible member of society instead of some "reading punk" that thinks you can start reading anywhere, then you'll know what the answer to that question was. Yes, DC is altering their Trades. Red Robin makes mention of a previous incarnation of the Teen Titans in Teen Titans #2 which I mentioned when I read it. It was confusing! But in the trade, that narration box I scanned does not exist. Apparently Flamebird in Batwoman #1 also mentioned being a member of the Teen Titans and having battled Deathstroke! That was also edited out of the Trade. I hope somebody collects all of these changes. I'd really like to see everything they change.

My third question was, "Are they going to draw Batman into a few panels in Justice League #11 in the trade so it fucking makes sense?" I bet they do!

So barely any of that had to do with Batman and Robin. But it's Robin's fault for distracting me.
This issue takes place one and a half years ago. That would make Damian 8 and 1/2 10 (I forgot a year of comics has gone by and Damian began as a ten year old in Issue #1). And I think that would also make him an undisciplined murdering bastard as well. I spoke too soon. The first three pages take place one and a half years ago. And then Damian falls from the sky after cutting off the wings of one of Talia's manbats that had been holding him, and he tells his mother (while still falling!) that there should be no secrets between them and then he loses himself in his memories.

Damian is going through a topsy-turvy Oedipal Complex. He has to kill his mother to be with his father. I guess that's technically an Electra Complex.

Now I have The Electric Company song stuck in my head. "HEY YOU GUYS!"

When Talia turns her back on Damian to speak with the future dead person, Otto Netz, Damian decides to go through her things.

I don't have kids but I'm constantly warning my friends with small children to remember that as they get older, they will be going through their things. Hide the porn and dildos well, parents. Why is it that parents seem to forget that kids go through their parents' shit?

Throughout the years, Damian kills and kills and kills. He kills about three dozen people in this comic and a tiger and a great white shark as well. Lots and lots of murder and death. And yet this comic book can still make me laugh with images like this:

Tomasi has found that balance of fun comic book humor that think is needed with overly violent comic books. Exactly what has been missing from Deathstroke (which many people probably don't see as an issue). But I want my Deathstroke to be full of Grim Whimsy! Grhimsy?

And since Damian is hanging out with Batman as a ten year old, you can probably guess that he finally defeats his mother in combat. She tells Damain about his father as they travel to meet him.

I suppose the first place Batman took Damian was The Maury Povich Show.

I think the rest of the story is told in Grant Morrison's Preboot Batman Incorporated, a comic that kind of straddles the Preboot and the Reboot in a bunch of really confusing ways.

Batman and Robin #0 Rating: Decapitastic!

Suicide Squad #0

Last commentary I gave the Harley Quinn fans a hard time about the New 52. This is the commentary where I say, "I believe everything I said last time but come here and give me a hug." I know what you're feeling. I get it. Death is hard. And believe me, Harley Quinn is dead. But so is Superman. And Batman. And Wonder Woman. And Hal Jordan. Well, not Hal Jordan. Well, actually, yeah, Hal Jordan is dead too. But he died after the Reboot. I'm speaking about all of the characters being killed by DC to begin again. All that history. All those characters. All that time invested. It's gone. It's sad.
Here's the part where the but comes in.

But it isn't exponentially different than when a new writer takes over an old character. It's barely even different by a factor of one. Or should I say a factor of two? Is a factor of one still the same number and thus the character hasn't changed at all? I guess I'm too many years removed from my last calculus class. Unless the factors I'm speaking of are analogies of something else? Fuck it. I'm starting over!

The characters in The New 51 are obviously not the same characters that appeared in the final issues before September 2011. But they haven't changed much more than when a new writer would take over a book during the Preboot anyway. Look at Green Arrow in Reboot Continuity. That fucker has had three different personalities. No, four if you count the Zero Issue! Do you remember that's how it was before the Reboot as well? You could love how a character is being written when suddenly a creative team shake-up occurs and you end up with whip creamed bullshit in the next issue. The Reboot isn't so different. Some characters got lucky and a really talented writer ended up on their book. Some characters got even luckier and had Geoff Johns writing them Preboot and Reboot so nothing in Hal Jordan's life changed at all. And some characters like Captain Atom, Green Arrow, Superboy, Voodoo, Grifter, Harley Quinn, and The Teen Titans ended up with mediocre writers writing mediocre stories about them. That's not the Reboot's fault. It's just the luck of the draw in the change of the creative team.

Now that that is all said, let the shouts of "Hypocrite" fly at me from every corner (especially from the Harley Fans!). Because FUCK THIS SHIT!

Amanda Waller only scored 75,760 points on her pinball game?! FUCK YOU, REBOOT!

Sorry about that. Let me get serious again. There's a very real problem in remaking Amanda Waller into a bad-ass killing machine. It takes away her real strength. Now, everyone in the Suicide Squad is afraid of her because she can kill them at the drop of a cream pie. Where is Amanda's bravery when dealing with these psychopaths if she can drop each and every one of them when they act out? I want the woman who could stand toe to toe against Batman not because she knew she could take him out with a super secret Team 7 martial arts move. But because she had the stubborn willpower to stick to her beliefs, to stick to the mission, and to not let any fucking man tell her otherwise. Not many people can make Batman back down and most certainly nobody but Amanda Waller could ever do it while having nothing but her stern and scary attitude to back her up. Okay, maybe Alfred Pennyworth and Dick Grayson could make Batman back down but in a totally nice and gay and polite way. Amanda could do it simply because her balls were bigger than Batman's.

So see, Harley Quinn fans? I feel you. I get it. You want what you want and you want it back the way it was. But here's the bottom line: change happens. In a situation like this, you have a few options. Stop reading Harley stories is one of them. I think that's the main way to go and always has been, Reboot or no Reboot. If a writer wasn't treating your girl right, stop paying to read those stories. So I get abandoning her although I think she got left at the altar a little quickly in this case. When a costume change is the main reason you stop reading a character, you need to think a little bit longer on why the fuck you liked that character in the first place. But Adam Glass didn't fucking help matters with that Goddamn scene where she fucks Deadshot and compares her vagina to a clown car. WTF?! Anyway, there's still hope for Harley. Some people gave up on her and claimed it was because she wasn't infatuated with Mr. J. But she still is and I can't wait to see what happens when he returns and she finds out he isn't dead. I'm really hoping she makes an appearance in Snyder's Batman. So maybe in another book with another writer, Harley will be okay. But for now, she's getting better. But Amanda Waller has gotten the high hard one right up her now skinny little ass. And it's a shame.

I loved Amanda Waller as a strong, confident, fat, black woman. I think making her capable of extreme physical violence and incredible acts of agility takes away the things that really made her strong and worth admiring. But I'm willing to give her a chance. Mainly because I know Adam Glass is no John Ostrander. He's not even in the same league. So comparing the Amanda Waller I once loved to this one is just unfair. Even if she were fat and non-lethal, she still wouldn't be written by John Ostrander! Not that I have to like it. But at least this comic book uses dialogue more than Narration Boxes and continues to have a sense of whimsy and fun to contrast against the death of as many characters as the team can get away with. And with that, I'm done bitching. Let's read a fucking comic book.

Some unspecified time in the past (another author not willing to place something in a continuum probably because they're afraid of saying something that contradicts Grant Morrison's Action Comics), Amanda Waller has lit out for the territories. She's done. She's gone. She did her time with Team 7 and now she just wants to play some pinball. But an old member of Team 7, Duren, locates her and wants to talk about Regulus.

Remember Regulus? He's the guy who didn't even know he was the guy. The one that runs Basilisk.

Here is Malaysia. I think I forgot to point that out while bitching earlier.

Basilisk is in town to blow up a weapon of mass destruction. Why? Why not? Right? Terrorist groups just do terrorism as its own end, right? Can't be any other reasons behind it! How dare anyone think the people behind the terrorism are humans with actual problems and issues since they deal with them in a completely unacceptable way. But mostly, why the fuck are they going to blow up Malaysia?

That's what I was trying to get at!

Amanda and her new team hunt down some guy that they believe has information on Basilisk's plans. To find out what this guy knows, Amanda puts a knife in one of his testicles. Is this Adam trying to show that Amanda is a literal ball-breaker now? Now instead of scary, she's just a cold-hearted bitch though couldn't care less if this guy was actually working for terrorists or not. Lucky for Amanda (or lucky for this guy?), he was and he gave up the information. Amanda lets him waddle out of the monastery instead of killing him. So at least she has that going for her.

That's a pretty sophisticated laptop!

The information they pull from the flash drive they took from the mouth of the guy Amanda half-castrated lets the team know that Basilisk's bomb is in a nearby village. When they get to the village, Amanda says, "We gotta find that bomb." Good plan, bitch! Too bad you don't have a team of super villains so desperate to gain their freedom that they're willing to risk their lives on insane missions that are practically suicidal!

Amanda trusts her team to find the bomb while she sets off to find Regulus. She sees a helicopter landing on a mesa overlooking the town and decides that must be him. So she rides a motorcycle up the path and just begins shooting at it until it blows up. That's one lady very confident in her intuition.

And that's why you don't just blast away at any moving vehicle you think might contain a bad guy, Amanda.

I suppose Amanda's team is going to fail to find the bomb and they'll be blown up. Which is why Amanda will want to get back at Regulus so badly that she comes out of retirement to hunt the bastard down and destroy Basilisk.

Regulus and Amanda have a little chat as they fight. Turns out Regulus and Amanda have a history during her Team 7 days. Is Basilisk a Wildstorm team? I can't believe that's the first time I questioned that. Amanda also finds out that Regulus's bomb is not a bomb of destruction but a bomb that will change people caught in its blast into super powered jerks. Or, it probably kills most people and the few people in the blast radius with the Meta-Gene will survive to become super assholes. I bet Duren is one of those people!

Hmm. I think the bomb needs a little work.

Amanda puts a bullet in his brain to help him. I think he probably meant get him a glass of water or something. Anyway, Amanda heads back to the states, tells Duren's mom that her son is dead. Duren's mom spits in her face and while she does that, she looks a lot like the woman being held hostage at the end of Suicide Squad #12. And then Amanda approaches the mysterious white guy (or light skinned black guy) to tell him about her new idea.

Who's the woman on the far right? Is that the doctor they save from Basilisk? Is Amanda already planning her Samsara project? Perhaps to bring Duren back to life?

Suicide Squad #0 Rating: Too skinny!

Superboy #0

Before I begin reading Superboy, I'd like to talk about something that will be a little more interesting than the story in Issue #0. Yes, I'm jumping to conclusions!

An assmunch over at the scans_daily website. He goes by the name of medster_comics. And while I'm used to people using the scans I make and really have no problem when they end up on other sites, I tend to investigate the sites when they generate thousands of hits. Sometimes I'll just change the name of the file so my site isn't getting blasted with a bunch of hits that have nothing to do with me. But occasionally I'll find a piece of shit that has basically taken my commentary, put pieces of the review into their own words, and use multiple pictures from my site. This medster_comics guy did just that with my Grifter #0 commentary but he didn't even bother to change my comments he stole into his own words.

In cases like this piece of crap (and the guy who stole a bunch of my thoughts and pics on the first issue of Deathstroke which Liefeld took over (and the person who stole my Wonder Woman pics for some grand feminist essay they were working on)), I tend to change the pictures for my own amusement. This time I was just aggravated by this jerk, so I just went elementary school playground on him. Oh, and provided the URL to my site just in case anyone wanted to read an actually funny and interesting commentary on Grifter #0. Here's the site just for transparency's sake.

After reading the first page of Superboy #0, I realize that Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco are interchangeable. They both love the Narration Boxes. They both love opening a comic book with a full page splash with a static figure that's supposed to be representing great action, and then tell the reader a bunch of facts across multiple narration boxes. Also, neither one of them knows the difference between the Arctic and the Antarctic. Although it was Lobdell that first fucked that up. DeFalco may have just been as confused as everybody else.

Will Superboy get a new symbol? And a new name too? Why does everyone from Krypton need to be a Super person?

Kon led an army of clones against the Kryptonians. Because who would want to be created and given thoughts and hopes and dreams and then be told you have to wash the fucking dishes and walk the super dog and that's going to be your life until your cellular matrix decays and you collapse in a puddle of slime? I'm all for Kon's revolution. You go, Kon! You and your Extend-O Handled Axe!

I guess if the technology to create clones has been perfected to this degree, creating an axe with an extendable metal handle probably isn't much of a mystery.

The clones rebelled and took over the Kryptonian Weather Stations which completely controlled and manufactured the weather of Krypton. Kon destroyed the mechanism and doomed the planet.

This little clone story is being narrated by the great Harvest himself (you know, Vampire Tim Drake from the future?) from his base in the Arctic Antarctic Arctic Arctic Antarctic!

Having an antagonist like Harvest that knows absolutely everything and can plan everything down to the finest detail say something "may or may not be true" makes me believe Tom DeFalco is covering his ass in case everything he just said is retconned for the Trade Paperback.

Omen and Harvest are watching the events of Superboy Issue One unfold before them. At this point, the only interesting thing that needs to be revealed in this issue is whose DNA was use to create Superboy. Oh! And also reveal what happened to Experiment 01, the first Superboy trial run. If neither of those things are answered in this Origin Story, I will quit reading Superboy once and for all and begin referring to DC's experiment as The New 51.

After this slight foray into Issue One, Harvest goes back to retell the clone story. The clones were developed for space travel. Then they were used in experiments with new drugs and surgical techniques. Then they were put to use in dangerous work environments. Then they were given jobs cleaning houses. Elite Kryptonians grew lazy and unethical. Lower class Kryptonians began struggling to find jobs that weren't being taken by the clones. The clones were treated as second class citizens even though they had the same capability for emotion and reason. And so they began fighting back. And I think that's where the comic book started. Do I need to start the comic over? Or is that just a trap?

After the review, Harvest and Omen continue to watch the events in Issue #1.

I looked up ARGGGH in the Who's Who but didn't find a listing.

While Harvest watches, he mentions how Caitlin is destined to play a crucial role in his plans. I hate Harvest and his all-knowing plans. If he knows what's going to happen because he is Vampire Tim Drake from the future, then those aren't plans at all. It's simply prescient knowledge.

Switching back to the story of Krypton, Kon and his followers were all killed (although Kon's body was never found. DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN!) and the planet was forever doomed by the clone's actions.

And then story time stops and, apparently, a few weeks pass by.

"Hey, remember just last panel when I mentioned that Doomsday Cult?!"

Harvest explains to Omen as she continues to weep blood that he has been implanting subliminal routines into Superboy's subconscious as Fairchild puts Superboy through far more normal virtual reality routines. Harvest wants a Kryptonian Clone just as wild, destructive, and unpredictable as Kon.

Who the fuck is the undead guy with the partial "S" scratched onto his chest? Did I miss something?

Superboy #0 Rating: Superboy? What's Superboy? Was that a planned title for DC's New 51 that never actually appeared?

Batgirl #0

Dear Miss Stephanie, my gorgeous brown velvet diary,

I know I promised to finish that story where Nightfell knifed me in the back like a sneaky bastard. See how I called her a bastard? I'm trying not to act so catty, calling other women skanks and hoes and bitches and cunts and whatnot. Even though Nightfell is all of those things! But she's also an asshole and a prick and a dickface and a cocksucker and a dork scumbag too! I just made that up, "Dork Scumbag!" That's means she's a condom fit for a whale's penis!

Anywazers, I'm going to save that story for another night and tell you about how I became Batgirl! It kind of started that night dad put up the Bat Signal. He turned it on and I was like, "Wow! A light in the sky! With a bat in it!" Yeah, I know, it wasn't actually very awe inspiring. But it was the idea behind it that had me all squishy feeling! That sign was supposed to summon a dark, mysterious, justice-loving beast of a manly man! What girl wouldn't swoon. But looking up at that light, I thought, "Why the fuck a bat MAN?! That shit is bullshit! What this town needs is a bat WOMAN!" And then I thought maybe *I* could do that and then I thought, "You know, I haven't even let a guy look at my naked boobs yet so maybe GIRL would work a little better. It would also keep all the ancient pervo thirty year olds from hitting on my hot little self. "Dude! I'm Bat GIRL! Who are you? Gotham's new villain: THE PEDOPHILE?!" And then maybe he'd be all, "Oh, sorry! Sorry! I thought you were Robin! I'm actually known as THE PEDERAST!"

This was all back when I was just barely in college. I was so smart I had early entry! I think I was like fifteen or something. Maybe I was eighteen. But I'm so much smarter than other people I was probably fifteen! I mean, I lived at home and slept with my teddy bear and not one single guy had even tried to kiss me yet!

Here's a pic of me, Miss Stephanie. See how hot I was?! And no guys were even trying! Maybe that was one gigantic downside to your dad being police commissioner!

So I was taking this college course about criminology or something. It was just an excuse to get my ass into my dad's work space. I needed to learn more about that guy dad set up the signal for! The Batman! A college paper on that guy would get me a super A+++! But only if I could prove he was real, find out who he was, and get him to kiss me! No, no! Ew! He was probably like 28 or something and I was just 15! Gross! I mean, kind of sexy. Except that sweet little innocent fifteen year old girl couldn't know that Batman was going to be like a dad! So super gross and I'm going to stop talking about this now.

So I'm flirting with these Gotham cops by asking stupid questions and laughing at their dumb jokes and flipping my hair around and grabbing their arm against my boobs and saying, "You're so brave!" And my plan works! Pretty soon, they've taken me deep into headquarters to a secret meeting where the cops are discussing Batman!

Yes, I thought I was as smart as Batman. I was a know-it-all 15 year old psychotic selfish teenaged girl! But look how hot I was! I'm so glad I wasn't a know-it-all 15 year old smelly idiot spastic teenaged boy!

Looking back on what happened next, I have to wonder why my dad let me tour police headquarters. He might as well let me stroll around Arkham Asylum alone and in my bra and panties. Riots break out at both places with alarming frequency. On this occasion, a gang of women exploded into the station to help their leader escape. How come I'm always fighting other women? Even right from the start! Although their leader was a big muscular balding man that had a weird jones for my brother James. How could he tell with one look that James was a flipping lunatic? Sometimes my credulity really knows no bounds but this was pushing it. The guy just looks at him and knows my brother is a psycho?! No way!

Anyboots, James and I start heading up to the roof because this fat Canadian woman stealing bastard is looking to take me next! I know how to protect myself but I've got to get James to safety. Maybe it would have been better if I'd have just let James get killed.

OMG! I can't believe I just thought that! And then wrote it down too! I should probably cross that out in case I die fighting The Joker or someone and then my diary is found by the cops and then someone publishes it because it's such a beautiful portrayal of a young girl trapped in a dangerous world with only her super smarts and her hot ass to save her. But her youthful optimism is her most important weapon of all! And her tenacity and stubbornness are pretty good weapons as well! And my boobs shoved into a leather suit are pretty flippin' fantastic too.

Meanwhile, my dad was outside probably being held down and restrained by fifteen cops to keep him from charging in to save his family!

Or simply held back by one lesbian's soft hand on his shoulder.

But I didn't need my dad's help! I didn't need anyone's help because I'm the Goddamned Babs Gordon! While this Harry jerk (ha ha! His name was Harry but he was bald!) was beating a cop near to death, I ran off and put on the fake Batman costume the police had mocked up in their attempt to identify him. I was just trying to stall him long enough for help to arrive and distract him long enough for the poor cop trying to rescue me to get away. It was the guy I had been flirting with earlier so I kind of felt responsible. He probably thought he was going to rescue me and then I'd jump into his arms and wrap my legs around his midsection and smash my lips up against his lips. My boobs smashed up against him and the heat from between my legs would probably be too much for him and I'd feel a stirring in his pants press up against my inner thigh. I'd slowly pull my lips away, strings of saliva still maintaining the connection, and I'd look him in the eyes and say, "Make me a woman!" And that's when, just like out of every movie ever where a man and a woman have sex with the woman hanging from the guy's shoulders, he'd unbuckle his pants and I'd glance down to see him pull his manhood from his cop boxers. It would be my first glimpse of a penis erect and straining because of me *ME!* and my womanness! He'd pull my panties to the side and BAM! I'd be a woman! Right there with the tear gas all around me.

Um, wow. I'll be right back. Just need a private moment with my Bat Buzzer after that fantasy.
Okay, where was I, Diary? You won't tell anybody about that fantasy, right?! It's one of my favorites even though it didn't go down that way at all! And it's a good thing it didn't because Batman would have walked in on me having my first sexual experience and I would have been so embarrassed! Instead, I beat up Harry the Psychopath! ME! All by myself! That was so much more satisfying than even the sex fantasy where the guy saves me because, seriously, relying on a guy to save you? That's so 1991! Oh yeah! After I beat up Harry, BATMAN shows up!

Ew! And that little creep James Jr was watching the whole thing.

And that's how Batgirl came to be! I spent the next year training with Batman and Robin. But then I took some time off to finish college. And then some jerko (that's an anagram!) shot me in the spine! So I had to take even longer off than I had initially intended. Oh well! Sailor V!

Batgirl #0 Rating: Pornographic.

Batman #0

Okay, Mr. Snyder. Surprise me with something new about Batman's world. I just read Deathstroke #0 by your good Twitter friend, Rob Liefeld, and he simply copied Deathstroke's Preboot origin panel for panel. Okay, only for a few pages but isn't that enough? And he copied them incorrectly at times. So you could go that route and not editor at DC is going to stop you. Just grab an obscure issue of Detective Comics or Brave and the Bold and copy the story out of that. Maybe a back-up story nobody remembers. Or you could keep your dignity and come up with something new. I hope you try that!

The story takes place six years ago. Batman has yet to have a minor stroke causing him to expose his identity to Hal Jordan as soon as he meets him, so Alfred might be the only one who currently knows who he is. And the story opens with a knock knock joke. Fuck you, Snyder! The knock knock joke is Grunion Guy's my schtick! If you've stolen my idea for a Gotham Criminal that tells knock knock jokes, I'm going to pout like a two year old.

Thanks for the realistic gun, Capullo. After just reading 20 pages of Liefeld's weird half-laser, half-toy guns, it's nice to see someone who can look at a reference picture.

So the Joker is going to get a nice fat new Reboot Origin story just before his big Coming Back Out Party in Issue #13. That's cool. I guess the Joker can tell knock knock jokes. But not riddles! Riddles are right out.

Excuse me but I have one more thought about Liefeld before I drop it entirely (until Savage Hawkman #0). While checking out the comparisons between Deathstroke #0 and The Judas Contract, I saw that Liefeld's fans seem to defend his work because his style is "kinetic." Are you fucking kidding me? One of my main complaints about his art is that everyone stands around like an action figure. Not a kinetic action figure! But a potential action figure. With arms stiffly at the sides and standing straight up looking forward. I guess occasionally they're running forward as if they're about to fall over. That's kinetic. That might be the style he goes for when he's not bored and barely caring about his drawings. But that isn't a defense to why his art is bad. As I said previously, I could almost like his style if he adept at drawing. Okay. That's enough of that. Let's get back to the fictional Joker. HA! Zing!

Bruce Wayne has infiltrated The Red Hood Gang but his need to try to save lives exposes him as an imposter. Soon to be Joker tries to get him to kill himself but Bruce Wayne knows that if he does that, he won't be able to save the day. Although most of the day has already gone way past the point of saving.

Even poisoned cake is delicious.

Bruce fights back and manages to escape down the sewers while The Red Hood and his gang get into a gun battle with the Gotham Police Department. What I'm learning is that six years ago, Batman would have made a far more interesting comic book since he was still capable of making mistakes.

He also wasn't Batman yet.

And before I even realize it, I'm through twenty pages of comic book and The Red Hood hasn't turned into the Joker yet! And Batman hasn't turned into Batman yet. And the last page says, "The story continues in 2013." Is that 2013 according to comic book cover dates? Maybe this story will continue to be the back-up story for the headlining Joker story beginning in Batman #13.

Anyway, the rest of the story revolves around Alfred trying to convince Bruce that he's going about the whole vigilante thing the wrong way. He's not being true to the Wayne side of himself and people are going to suspect he's the new vigilante if he's not careful. Which Bruce finds out is good advice when Commissioner Gordon comes snooping around to see what's going on. The meeting with Gordon seems to be enough proof to Bruce that he almost blew the whole thing before it even began. He'll probably be taking Alfred's advice and heading back to the manor when this story continues.

The back-up story looks like it's going to be the Origin of the Batsignal.

I'll be reading Batgirl #0 next so I don't know if Babs has put on the costume at this point five years ago.

And it looks like Babs probably hasn't put on the uniform yet by the way she stares fascinated at the Batsignal like the rest of the soon to be Batfamily.

Five years ago and no Robin yet. So these guys all need to be shoved into Batman's life in that short time. Plus Damian!

Batman #0 Rating: Incomplete! The story continues in 2013? Bah! Screw you!