Detective Comics #0

Oh! Oh! I think I know this origin! A small boy watches his parents gunned down in an alley and then sees a bat fly through a window and then fights crime and then becomes the best Super Hero ever invented!

The comic begins somewhere in the Himalayas ten years previous. That's good! Perhaps the best part about some of these Zero Issue Origin Stories will be how they contextualize everything in time since most of the origins are still very much the same as the character's Preboot Origins. I hope one of the Batman titles explains the time line for the Robins.

I wasn't sure how I'd feel about art by Daniel and Friend but if the entire comic looks like this, I'll be very happy. This reminds me a bit of Matt Wagner's stuff.

Bruce Wayne has arrived at the mountain fortress monastery home of the Zen-Buddhist Monk Warrior Shihan Matsuda. By waiting outside on the doorstep like a lost dog, he wins the secret prize of a free year long training program under the mysterious master.

A few pages in and I have to check the credit page at the end of the story to see who did what art. Pere Perez is credited with "Additional Art" which makes me suspect that the single page of art I scanned and like was done by him! Because the rest looks sketchy and half-done.

In the first nine months of training, Bruce learns to cut coconuts with a katana, to breathe in the darkness, and to rid himself of his love and compassion. Those lessons don't seem at all helpful! But then the master's wife gives him some good advice.

Although I've seen Karate Kid! So maybe the lessons he's learning actually will be helpful but in a mystic Asian way that is mysterious and just seems like bullshit.

Later, Bruce learns more lessons from the Zen master. He learns to sit on ice and to stay warm. He learns to leave grief and love behind. How are these lessons going to teach him to block punches?! After melting some ice with only the power of his bare ass, Bruce learns some more actual lessons that will help him later.

I like this take on his training. That Batman needs to find a balance between being a cold-hearted warrior and a feeling human being. Even if loving could be a weakness to his warrior persona, is it worth the sacrifice? Or is it even a weakness at all?

Oh, well apparently I forgot the title of the story which was something about one final lesson. Convinced by the Master's wife that the Master was teaching Bruce to be too hard, Bruce seeks the attention of a woman in town that he has been flirting with for months. He leaves a window open for her to come bang him later that night. She uses it but not as his booty call.

Whoops!

The woman Bruce fell for was paid by the Master's wife to murder her husband. She wanted to be free from the stone monastery and she wanted his money as well. Everybody but Bruce ends up dead and Bruce learns a hard lesson about what happens when you get close to someone.

Okay. I'm almost there with this story. I almost like it. There's a lot to be said about needing another person and involving yourself in a long-term monogamous relationship with another human being. Sacrifices are surely made. Honesty to oneself can often be lost and eroded when you're constantly thinking about the other person's feelings. But this story doesn't do what it should have done! It should have warned Bruce about the dangers and problems that come with allowing yourself to love without the big murder betrayal plot at the end! All this story says is that the Master let the wrong person into his life. And the wife also! If she wanted something different, leave! If he wanted what he had while she didn't, he didn't need to pull her into it. And that's the lesson that should have been learned without the murder and death and betrayal and manipulation!

All this story does show that the Master married a jerk. Or that Bruce should beware treacherous women. Perhaps it would have been better if the Master's wife committed suicide and the woman Bruce was trying date's father found out and beat or killed her. That lesson would have shown Bruce the selfishness of pulling someone else into the life of Batman simply because he wanted the other person for himself. The lesson would have been about disregarding the cost TO THE OTHER PERSON! Because that's the main story here. The Master took and took and took from his wife while she let her dreams die.

Anyway, there's a backup story here too. It takes place seven years prior to the New 52 at Wayne Manor. Alfred has been waiting many years to hear again from Bruce who has disappeared on his quest to become the ultimate living weapon. While Bruce is gone, his mother Martha's family have been harassing Alfred trying to get him to sell them the manor. But Alfred refuses to believe Bruce is dead. Alfred shows his teeth to a man coming about to threaten him, throws him out, and then immediately finds Bruce at the door.

"Training, touring, getting Master Zen-Buddhist Warriors killed. The usual shit."

Bruce Wayne tells Alfred he has a plan that will change everything and they need to get started. So seven years ago is when Batman first begins coming to life. I'm sure it took a couple of years to get the companies working toward technology and to get the Batcave outfitted and to do research on new weapons and vehicles. I wonder if having a Robin was already part of the plan? Where did he learn that lesson on his travels? "Always have young sidekick in bright clothing as distraction while you hide in dark shadow!"

DC Comics #0 Rating: Missed the mark a little bit on that first story. At least in my point of view. I think my ending is more appropriate.

Stormwatch #0

The issue begins in the present in Hyperspace. Stormwatch has just pulled a strange alien creature from the space just outside our solar system. Or just on the inner outer border. It makes Midnighter feel uncomfortable and I think that's all the warning anybody needs to get rid of the thing. The creature looks a bit like a cosmic fly with a crocodile tail and a bouquet of eyes growing out of its head. I'd scan the picture instead of describing it but that would be a waste of about 967 words.

Meanwhile, Jenny Quantum is doing philosophical math poetry when she's visited by Adam One.

Maybe she's simply finger painting.

I don't know if Adam One is really back or not. Harry has recently gathered some technology to help him act as The Fourth Man so he may be using it to impersonate Adam One first. Or he could really be back since he's as old as the universe itself and can probably do anything he wants. Merlin is the only other person in The New 52 that is as old as the universe. And Merlin created Stormwatch. Adam One must have a relationship with Merlin but I don't think any of that has yet to be explored. Unless they're one and the same since Adam One ages backwards. But I actually hope they're two different characters. And rivals! Also, if there is an Adam One, maybe there's also an Adam Two. Oh! And an Adam Three! Whoa! Or even more than that because numbers can't be stopped.

Adam has returned to tell Jenny Quantum a story. He interrupts her "eleven dimensional multi-linear game" (so that's what she was doing!) because this story is very important. Let this be a lesson to you! Stories are more important than games.

Fuck. Let that be a lesson to me too. One I should have learned that time I was really in a down place, so I called out to Ganeesha to remove those obstacles that were keeping me in this perpetual state of gloom and depression. The very next day, my Xbox 360 got the red ring of death. Fucking asshole smart-ass elephant god. If I were one to believe in a higher power, I'd be Hindu now! That's why the Christian, Jewish, and Moslem Muslim God (all the same God, really. What? You think three different Gods spoke to three different Abrahams who all had two children named Ishmael and Isaac? Now that's faith!) have such strong prohibitions against idols. Because if you've got an idol in the house (my Ganeesha bamboo curtain (and statue (and elephant-carved television stand (and...and...and....)))) and you happen to be looking at it when you pray, you'll believe that whatever you prayed at made your prayer come true! Anyway, I think the lesson I was supposed to learn was games weren't as important as masturbation stories.

Footnote in the middle of everything explaining the strike-thru Moslem: I've been reading "The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night" and Moslem is the spelling of Muslim throughout the book. That is all.

Adam One's story takes place in Araby in 1013 CE. It is the story of the Century Baby of this age as she learns of her place.

I believe this is the first blatant mention that Stormwatch and the Demon Knights are one and the same. It was hinted at before when Merlin mentioned setting up an organization to "watch the storms" of coming conflict and disaster.

Since this takes place in 1013 CE, it may help fix where exactly in time the Demon Knights comic book is taking place. From the hints gathered so far in the comic book, it takes place 600 years after one of the falls of Camelot that already looked as if it took place somewhere in the Middle Ages. Then the Demon Knights met a man in Briton that had a Viking ancestor which made me assume the time was at least past 900 CE. But the list of ancestors the man gave sounded like his family had yet to mix with the Normans. I believe my vague dating of Demon Knights was "somewhere in-between 900 CE and 1200 CE." I guess when this old guy takes Princess Janeen to meet the Demon Knights, we'll see what the current line up is. I'm sure it won't be the same so Demon Knights probably takes place between 900 CE and 1000 CE.

Princess Janeen hesitates and refuses to join because, frankly, it sounds like work. Who wants to give up the life of a princess for a life of fighting threats to the world? Gag me with a knife! I don't think spoons were invented yet! But then something completely and utterly awesome changes her mind.

My guess is they have opposable penises to be able to build these suits.

The Princess's family had been mysteriously murdered a few months earlier. As an orphan, she finds a new family in the Demon Knights and helps stop the Fin Assassins with her super powers derived from the technology of this century: geometry and solid algebra. So is she Jenny Mathematics?

Aha! Same Demon Knights just light a few mortal members. So this panel doesn't help narrow it down any further. But I've got a much narrower idea of the Demon Knights time and place now.

I like the Fin Assassins for a lot of reasons but I think mostly they're another great Stormwatch threat akin to the Neanderthals. A threat that originates on Earth and not from space. Not that space threats couldn't have been happening the entire time man has been on Earth. But it makes a lot of sense that the majority of threats would derive from the planet.

More story ensues...

If Adam One wasn't being so wishy washy about whether or not he is the old man in the story, this would answer the question if he's Merlin. Also, I like that she's been named Countess Jenny when her power is Math. Good one!

Countess Jenny is sent off to that other place by Planetary The Shadow Lords for using her power irresponsibly. Merlin shrugs his shoulders and gets on with his life.

Later in 1347, the Daemonites make their first invasion of Earth. Adam suggests that the Demon Knights are already familiar with them which is a good thing to have him say since the Daemonites have been trying to capture Camelot for hundreds if not thousands of years by this point. But this must be their first full scale invasion and the first time the common man becomes aware of them.

Is this the main part of the Origin of Stormwatch? The name?

Sister J was the Century Baby of the previous incarnation of Stormwatch against the Daemonites. The power of her century was Faith. Later, Adam One tells the story of the 19th Century Baby, Jenny Freedom, an escaped slave in America. Her powers were light and steam. So she's the one I assumed would be called Jenny Steam! I think I like Jenny Freedom a little bit better. But just a little bit! And after I typed all of that, I'm going to go ahead and scan in the panel because it actually brought a tear to my eye. Remember when I said I was a pantywaist? Yeah, sometimes I speak the truth!

Jenny Freedom needs a fucking comic book of her own. Right now. NOW!

And then he introduces Jenny Quantum to Jenny Sparks. And again, I just have to scan it because it's too perfect.

Jenny Sparks combined the power of Electricity and Punk Rock.

Adam One tells this history to Jenny because Merlin had a vision hundreds of years ago when Stormwatch will turn on itself. The vision took place in a time with costumed heroes. That time is now and Adam One wants Jenny to be prepared. It will be up to her to save Stormwatch.

Oh look! There's that creature I described poorly earlier!

Stormwatch #0 Rating: Peter Milligan nails it! "UNH UNH UNH! TAKE IT, STORMBITCH!"

Animal Man #0

This Origin should really be interesting! He's had so many incarnations and tweaks to what his power means and where it comes from, it'll be interesting to see how it all started in The New 52.

The issue begins a lot like Swamp Thing's issue began.

Anton Arcane disguised as a human and then eating another Avatar. What a dick.

This version of Anton Arcane isn't nearly as creepy as the one over in Swamp Thing. Also, this ruse has nothing to do with horror. It's just an ambush and a moment of conflict in a war. It brings up a question though: how did Anton Arcane die? He killed Alec Holland and this Animal Man five years ago. Because Alec had the memories of the Swamp Thing, I figure that between Alec's death and the beginning of The New 52, a Swamp Thing was running around fighting with Anton Arcane. Perhaps they killed each other at some point before The New 52 began. Hopefully that story will be told and DC isn't simply relying on readers knowing any Preboot history of Arcane's death.

This sets the Totems of the Red to call an emergency pot luck. And like usual, Socks brings the fish and the calm, logical reasoning.

Jeff Lemire seems to have a better handle on the balance between the Red, the Green, and the Gray than even Scott Snyder.

Since Maxine is yet to be born and Socks's dick is hard over these new super heroes, I bet he comes up with a plan that creates some guy who works for the Red but acts like a super hero! They'll probably call him Totem Fighter and he'll be able to shape change into all sorts of creatures. He'll fight crime while hiding from The Rot because why would The Rot think The Red had any interest at all in crime fighting? I can't wait to see their new super hero, Totem Fighter!

"Hmm. Totem Fighter. I like the sound of that!"

Since the Totems have this weird connection to blood (disgusting!), they can suss out who will give birth to the next Avatar. They've got the gene pool all figured out. So they get the Tailors in to create a temporary Avatar out of the man whose seed will enter a certain hot piece of uterus and fertilize the egg that will become Maxine Baker, Star of Blood and Guts! Who is it?

Oh no! That man is too ridiculous to become Totem Fighter! Just name that idiot Animal Man.

Buddy Baker is an actor slash stunt man. That doesn't mean he's a male actor that fucks male stunt men! It means he's part actor and part stuntman. Geez! I miss the good old days when that never would have been ambiguous! He's been looking for a real acting gig but stuck playing Chicken Thief to pay the bills. I would totally watch Chicken Thief right now if it were on Netflix. And a real movie.

Speaking of Avatars (I'm sure I was speaking of them at some point), someone needs to be using this as theirs.

It's Cliff's birthday so Buddy picks up some Penalizer comic books for him on the way home. I mention this because I'm always interested in the comic books which exist in the comic book world. Over in Justice League Dark, it was revealed the comic books in their world were having a big crossover event called Flashpoint. Two of the comic books were Deadman (but this version was Dick Grayson) and Secret Seven. While Mindwarp was into DC Parody Comics, Buddy's kid is apparently into Marvel Satire comics.

On his way home, Buddy Baker sees a light in the sky crash nearby. He stops to investigate and discovers a UFO. I had forgotten that Buddy Baker's Origin story was plagiarized from Green Lantern by the Totems. Last time I said that, a reader corrected me because he didn't understand it was a joke. Apparently a bad one. And I'm never against recycling horrible jokes!

I wonder if Grant Morrison was created by the Totems as well? This caption brought to you by People Who Read Animal Man During the Preboot.

The Tailors (disguised as aliens) connect Buddy Baker to the Red and then leave him in the woods with his costume. Maybe this narrative draws more from X-Files "Interview with Jose Chung" than Green Lantern. And then when Animal Man mutters, "This is not happening. This is not happening," he's right! And when everybody investigates what happens and comes up with different theories, well, they're all wrong because none of them, not even Rocky, come up with a theory about The Red.

Buddy flies home to surprise his family. Literally. Literally in the actual sense of the word literally! Because see how someone might normally say that somebody "flies home" meaning they're headed home really fast. But Buddy actually uses his Animal Man powers to fly like a bird. So when he flies home, he's actually flying. So, literally flies home. Some people might say they literally flew home when they headed home really fast. But those people are idiots that don't know the meaning of the word literally. This message brought to you by People Who Don't Really Care About the Way People Use the Word "Literally" But Think That Some Other People Regard It As an Intensifier. That organization's name is seriously too long. I believe a lot of people have adopted "literally" to replace "seriously" simply because nobody wants to use the same words the last ignorant generation full of assholes used. I think I like literally better than seriously because nothing was ever literally that serious when people used seriously as a descriptor.

"Relax, honey! I'm just doing something I've never done before in a ridiculous costume with your only son thirty feet in the air!"

Why is the wife always the character that wants to end the fun? And why is this behavior labeled as "being responsible"? Can't a person be responsible while also being whimsical and silly? Why are men always portrayed as just "small boys" when they immerse themselves in play and relaxation? And women are then portrayed as nagging sticks-in-the-mud because they're exasperated by the man not doing whatever she thinks he should be doing? This comment is not commentary on either males or females. It's a commentary on why are society seems to love and accept these gender roles.

Although in this case, Ellen has a fucking point.

Reap what you sow, Buddy Baker.

I'm not defending irresponsible men or women who have put themselves in a position where they need to take responsibility. I don't understand why someone that is acting responsible for the decisions they make is still seen as childish and irresponsible when they choose to live a life outside of society's "norms." Society and its mores is just a prison without walls where the prisoners are constantly judging the other inmates that are acting too free.

Meanwhile, The Rot already know about fetus Maxine. The Hunters Three already want to destroy her but Arcane tells them to wait. He believes she'll be more useful when she's alive. I think this comic could have done without this last page but I guess comic book writers can't help but end on a cliff-hanging sense of foreboding with a villain that has some special instinct or knowledge about how the future will play out. Too many cliches on that last page!

Animal Man #0 Rating: Pregnable!

Phantom Stranger #0

I don't imagine this is going to be a proper Origin story. He's got STRANGER right in his name! I don't think we're supposed to know much about him. We're supposed to read a story where he appears and he interacts with someone and then the story is over and the reader goes, "Hmm. That was odd. I mean strange!"

The comic begins with the man that would become The Phantom Stranger having hanged himself because he couldn't come to grips with the guilt he felt from a terrible crime he committed. If he wasn't such a white guy that was going on about disagreeing with Hell in the scripture, I'd say he was Judas. But since he looks way too modern and has a concept of Hell, I suppose he merely has a Judas Complex.

He's found himself in some sort of afterlife with two other people. They're all being judged by a Council of Wizards.

I suppose that's Pandora but I don't know who the shirtless guy is. Maybe it's Barry Allen after causing Crisis on Infinite Earths. And the Council of Wizards is DC's editors.

They're really trying to make it seem as if it's Judas!

Nah. He probably screwed over his business partner in his law firm.

And then they throw silver coins at him and they form a necklace for him to bear as witness to his crime for all eternity. So fuck. They win. I guess he's Judas. Now I'm going to make a little purple hat and cape for my cat, Judas, and call him Phantom Stranger.

The Phantom Stranger is sentenced and he wakes up back where he accepted the blood money. A glowing font in the sky instructs him to wear the purple robe nearby. And then the glowing font has one more message for him:

Okay, so he shouldn't be walking for too long. He only did God's work by betraying Jesus. He had the hardest, most important job of all and he's being punished for it? If he'd refused to betray Jesus, where the fuck would Christianity be? Oh, wait! He should be punished for helping spead it.

After a couple thousand years wandering, the font in the sky speaks to the Phantom Stranger again. It tells him to seek out Jim Corrigan. Is Corrigan somehow linked to the third person being punished? Or was the third person the Specter and he's soon to be linked to Corrigan? Because that's all this comic needs is two weird, wandering, no-point, mystical losers looking for some kind of redemption! The issue should end like an after-school special: "The power of forgiveness was there all along within your own heart!"

Corrigan's dame has been kidnapped and the Phantom Stranger assures him that he can help rescue her. But since The Phantom Stranger really did know much more than Jack Shit, he really shouldn't have made Corrigan any promises.

I bet that font in the sky told The Phantom Stranger to betray Jesus too!

After The Specter is created, the Font in the Sky (I better start capitalizing that!) sends it away to begin judging other people. The Phantom Stranger was once again used just like when he was used to put Jesus on the cross. Once this betrayal is complete, one of his coins drops from his necklace. Just 29 more missions to go! And the Next Month box says Trigon! I hope Raven makes a guest appearance.

The Phantom Stranger #0 Rating: Manipulaty!

Edit for those ready to barrage me with answers to the Trinity of Sin: I checked out the Free Comic Book to get the low-down on that whole shebang. So the third guy is The Question. Kind of weird but okay. I actually walked right past my comic book store on Free Comic Book day this year and thought, "Bah, I don't need a free comic weighing me down on my walk downtown!" What a dumb jerk I am! If anybody has an extra copy and wants to send it to me, I'll be waiting!

Batwing #0

Yay! A super hero whose origin I don't know! Kind of. I mean, I know he was a butcher as a child and then he became a cop and then Batman hired him. But I don't think I know why Batman hired him. Because he was a good cop? Or because he was a great butcher?

In-between those two choices, David was a violent kid that would sneak out of the rehabilitation clinic to hunt down people committing crimes and beat the snot out of them. Matu Ba (who would later become his Alfred Pennyworth with the shirts with dice with incorrect pips on them) watched over him and tried to keep him out of trouble and ending up immersed back in the violence of the surrounding area.

"Have you considered the Batman program for Wayward Youths with Inappropriately Violent Backgrounds?"

Immediately after this conversation, their car is blasted by a group of devil goat people. Typical fucking African roads.

When David finds out, he dons a silly costume that screams bi-curious welder that loves motorcycles with sidecars and captures Devil Jack. He passes the first test of Batman School by wearing a costume, catching the criminal, giving him a good beatdown, and then leaving him for the proper authorities to punish. If it were a written essay, he probably would have earned a bat sticker and four Robin stamps.

When Rene dies (the woman from earlier), David begins his new career as The Bi-Curious Sidecar Welder.

Somebody better call Batman with a costume change as soon as possible.

Apparently rumors of a man in need of a new costume reached the right ears.

Now that's a costume!

But Batman can't just let everyone in his organization wear the same outfit. That would look intensely homoerotic and I think that's the antithesis of trying to spread fear. So David gets his brand new costume and his Origin is complete!

Batwing: Always asking the important questions!

Batwing #0 Rating: Haute Couture!

G.I. Combat #0

The Zero Issue begins with the Unknown Soldier story so I quickly flipped through it to see if there were any dinosaurs and there were! I'm so excited to learn the Origin Story of the War That Fucking Sucks! Hmm, I guess all war fucking sucks. But this one sucks because it isn't actually a war at all. It's just a couple of military guys being hassled by dinosaurs. I suppose the dinosaur story is second because dinosaurs busting out of the cover of G.I. Combat #0 wouldn't make as much sense as a Mummy busting out of the cover.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say, "Yeah. There have been unknown soldiers in every war every fought. Ever. But super mummy soldiers? Ridiculous!"

To enlighten the Unknown Soldier, whats-her-name drugs him and puts him into a medically induced hallucination. He experiences the memories of every Unknown Soldier before him. He also retains the memories of the body he's inhabiting but it looks like the Unknown Soldier is somehow the embodiment of war. It takes over a man on the verge of death who has died in battle and uses his body until the war is over. How this is going to work in modern times when wars don't exactly have a clear beginning and end is fuzzy.

While on his mystical spirit journey, the Unknown Soldier meets a Raven outside a Mystery House.

So the Unknown Soldier is Cain? The disfigurement is Cain's mark? Cursed to wander east of Eden for all time? Cursed to fight in battle after battle because he was the first murderer and thus the creator of war? If my supposition is true, The Unknown Soldier just got interesting.

The Unknown Soldier and Kamal (that's whats-her-name!) discuss the implications of his memories. They both rule out reincarnation because that's just ridiculous! Who would believe in that? But what Kamal does reveal is that the man the Unknown Soldier was before was not a very good fighter. He was also pronounced dead on the battlefield. And then he came back as this super soldier that Kamal and her team made even superer. So he's definitely simply a vessel for whatever The Unknown Soldier is. The vessel retains the memories of the man he was but is also something more dangerous. I very much expect to find that this spirit is that of Cain.

The Unknown Soldier's Origin remains a mystery although they've filled it out a bit more. The story then takes a few pages to explain that about 2000 American soldiers were converted to radical Islam in Afghanistan and are now operating in the United States. One places a virus in a nuclear plant which simply warns the operators that they can blow it up any time they want. And another works loading luggage onto planes and he blows one up at the end. I guess the Unknown Soldier is going to turn into the 2000 Radical Islamist Ghosts of Scooby Doo.

And now, THE WAR THAT I WISH TIME HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT!

This story begins when Ash Stevens (unless his name is something else) fell from the cliff because Elliott didn't have his back and let him down and failed. Luckily, the terrain beneath the cliff has changed from forest to water since he first began falling (although, to be fair, the terrain beneath was actually kind of blurry and if I had to tell the truth, I can't be positive it was supposed to be forest). He lands in the water and survives. Probably because the big fat-ass dinosaur broke the surface tension when it hit first.

I can barely win a fight against my housecat. Which means this is very, very unrealistic or I'm a total pantywaist.

After that he has some adventures, grows a beard, fights a mountain lion, and gives up ever finding home. The End!

Seriously. The end. I guess until G.I. Combat decides to revisit Ash Stevens. Maybe he'll end up becoming the New 52 version of Anthro

G.I. Combat #0 Rating: Fundamentalist! Because it mixes The Bible (Cain as Unknown Soldier) with Dinosaurs!

Swamp Thing #0

The Swamp Thing's Origin has already been fleshed out (ha ha!) pretty nicely so far in the New 52. Alec Holland was resurrected by The Parliament of Trees in a desperate attempt to get their Warrior King back from the discard pile. The Preboot version of Swamp Thing was apparently a messed up simulacrum of Alec Holland merged with the Green. But now that Alec was alive, the Green's great warrior could be created if only Alec would agree. He eventually does and becomes the best Swamp Thing of all time. What more needs to be said? Maybe the Origin of Alec Holland which will consist of 20 pages of his parents fucking in a seedy motel?

Well, the comic definitely begins in Origin territory by stating it takes place in Manitoba in the year 1897. A young girl has braved the harsh cold which has been killing everything to find the legendary Green Man near her home.

It's a twist!

I told Marcus To that I don't say it enough when it happens so let me get this out of the way now that everyone has seen the art: I really like this art. It's only been three pages or so and I don't know how it'll play across the horror aspect of the book, but Kanu has captured the snowy environment and the young girl beautifully on the first pages. And now, the Swamp Thing is brilliant. He looks skinny and malnourished which should be expected after a long winter and probably a long life living in the cold environment. While the current Swamp Thing is a hulking beast of a creature because it lives in the swamps and filled with all the disgusting nutrients it needs.

Well, my question about how the horror aspect will come across with Kano is answered the very next page.

That's actually pretty disgusting.

And Arcane is not quite done being disgusting.

This Swamp Thing was obviously a lover. And perhaps a little bit hors d'oeuvre.

In just a few pages, Swamp Thing Zero has done everything right. Well, at least "right" in the way that I think things should be done. Which means I'm using right in an incorrect and self-indulgent way. But at least I'm aware of my narcissism which makes me at least 95% more self-aware than the rest of the human race, you bunch of Goddamned self-involved monkey men. What else can I say here that I can stick a "self" in front of? How about self-pleasure. That's probably my favorite!

I should probably explain the stuff I found right about this issue. The young girl seemingly on a mission to help her community turns out to be the Avatar of The Rot. It's a really nice moment especially since Anton as the girl risks his life to find The Swamp Thing. He's actually healed by The Swamp Thing in its cabin before it transforms. The transformation is well done. The girl is not just the monster Arcane transformed but a suit, a skin of mortal flesh which Anton explodes out of. All of these things twist the familiar by making what we thought safe and inviting and good the exact opposite of these things. And then the expected battle between Avatars, the battle comic book readers are taught to expect, turns into two panels where Arcane eats The Swamp Thing's face. The panel where Anton chews off The Swamp Thing's eyes, where he blinds him in one go, is the essence of disturbing. And at this point, it's simply a formality since Swamp Thing's eyes (as the readers) did not work to clue him into the danger anyway. He was actually blind before the moment his eyes are eaten. This is near perfection of the Unheimlich, the uncanny, I was asking for earlier. I would stand up and applaud Snyder but I don't want to scare my cat.

After this moment, the action moves ahead 110 years into the future. Anton Arcane is still the Avatar of the Rot and he's maneuvered himself into close proximity of Alec Holland before he becomes The Swamp Thing.

Now Anton is obviously an Avatar that doesn't give a shit about balance. The Swamp Thing he killed earlier had no overreaching ambition at all. He was content to let the harsh winter go on even longer since it was just a natural, if seemingly cruel, part of the cycle. But Anton needed to interfere to keep it going. So Anton has been an interfering bastard Avatar of the Rot for the entire 20th Century. Is this commentary on our times by Snyder? Could Anton have been the major influence to usher in the nuclear age? Or at least an age that was willing to use nuclear power in such a destructive way?

Anyway, so Anton has felt Alec's amazing connection to The Green and is ready to murder him before he becomes The Swamp Thing.

Anton is the dungeon master with the beard and the ponytail.

Alec is toasting monsters because the bio-restorative formula he's created could not have been possible without the "Monster-Fruit" plant. But the toast causes Anton to become nostalgic for all of the "monsters" he's killed across the years. It seems he's killed many Avatars of the Red and Green, keeping The Rot overpowered through 100 years. And Snyder and Kano continue to hit it out of the park with their depiction of a truly horrible monster in Arcane.

Not quite as whimsical as the zealots tossing toddlers into Monster Lake in Frankenstein, Agent of SHADE.

That last panel is just such a brilliant perversion of a proud parent gazing lovingly at his baby through the window of the maternity ward.

The Green managed to hide Alec Holland from The Rot for about thirty years longer than the baby above. Anton (as Dr. Ross) invades the Holland home with a shotgun to put an end to The Green's hope. But he's noticed by Linda Holland, Alec's wife. She bashes the intruder in the face but then stops when she realizes it's Dr. Ross. But when she notices that through his torn flesh she can see a monster, it's far too late. And since Anton now needs new skin, he takes hers.

This issue gives me so much hope for this series once they get all of the crossover bullshit out of the way. Let Snyder tell tales like this! This is horror comics at their best. Snyder and Kano have subverted nearly everything that should be good and loving and life-affirming. And now they've taken (yes! They! The creators! It's not Arcane's fault! He's an innocent victim of the writer's disturbed mind) Alec's wife from him and are going to use her as the instrument of his destruction.

No wonder Alec had such a hard time dealing with his resurrection way back in Issue #1. He was mind fucked pretty hard in his last life.

Now he's just toying with the poor bastard.

This is a good example that not every story needs to be a universe shattering dilemma. Anton Arcane has caused The Rot to be the strongest influence over the world for a full century. But he hasn't destroyed the world. His pursuit of killing Avatars is more personal than some large plot by The Rot. He just enjoys the shit out of the killing. And while there is a lot at stake where the balance of power is concerned, this story is primarily a horror story involving a single human and the tragedy that awaits him at the end of the book. I like my horror comics with more horror and less worldwide plots and conspiracies. That's the fucking normal world!

Anton leaks the bio-restorative formula and turns on a Bunsen burner. The place blows up, setting Alec on fire. And the rest plays out as it did before. Alec runs into the swamp and dies. His body is not incorporated into The Swamp Thing although a small piece of him gets trapped within it which is why he retains the memories once his body is resurrected five years later.

The Swamp Thing #0 Rating: Best Horror Story of The New 52. Fucking brilliant. No, no! Fu-motherfucking-cking brilliant!