The Superior Foes of Spider-Man #11

Marvel just killed this one for me by raising the price to $3.99!

My comic book store has the subscription boxes up against the inside of the front wall of the store. So if I figure out exactly where my box is by wearing coveralls and going in with a tape measure pretending that the store has a wonky thingawhatchit, I can cut a subscription box sized rectangle in the front wall and pull my comics out for free! Then I'll replace the bit of mortar and brick and sheet rock so that nobody can tell anything was different. All the clerks at my comic book store will just assume that I've been buying my comics when a different clerk is in! It sounds like the kind of crime The Sinister Six would pull off!

Oh. Yeah, it does, doesn't it? Maybe it's a bad idea. I think I'll just keep paying for my comics with my 25% discount while thinking up another scam to pay for the other 75% of the cover prices.

This issue is yet another issue that tells a few separate stories. I guess these are filler issues, right? Eventually the main writer, Nick Whateverhisnamewas, will return to finish the story about roommates Shocker and Mob-boss head. Also the story about the bus full of kids that Overdrive stole. Also some other stuff that involved Tombstone and Chameleon and that other guy.

Until then, I'll enjoy this story about Super Villains Anonymous! When you see somebody else on the street and recognize them from an SVA meeting, what do you say to them? In Alcoholics Anonymous, you'd say, "Aren't you a friend of Bill's?" In the SVA, do you say, "Aren't you a friend of DOOOOOOM'S?" You really have to scream the "DOOM" part!

The first share is by Grizzly who is now my favorite super villain until the next one shares.

I first read the ambush line as "luring drunks into bushes." And then he finished the story and it might as well have been.

Apparently Grizzly plays "Teddy Bear's Picnic" to lure the drunks into his dark alley. And now I've got that fucking song stuck in my head! "If you go down to the woods today, you're in for a big surprise! If you go down to the woods today, you're gonna be sodomized! Cause every bear that ever there was is drunk and horny and totally buzzed cause today is the day that's the day of the day that the Teddy Bear's have their picnic!" Or something. I think I got most of it right.

Also, if you ever hear that song, you should never try to find out where it's coming from. It's right there in the lyrics even if you get the lyrics right! Don't fucking go down into the woods when this fucking picnic music is going on!

Fuck! Now I also have the horror that is the movie Grizzly Man stuck in my head as well! Fucking bears ruin everything! I was in a good mood up until now! Now I'm just thinking about how I don't want my last moments on Earth recorded for Werner Herzog to listen to while on camera!

Back to reading comic books so I can forget about my mortality, Grizzly was not just down and out because he had no money; he had no friends either. So he was mugging drunks and then keeping them tied up in the alley while he went out to pick up some pizza. Then he'd eat it with the mark and have a little conversation.

I know some sayings get skewed over time and most people don't know the original saying, so I asked Lord Google about the "whole nine yams" to see if, no matter how ridiculous it sounds, it was the actual saying. Lord Google asked me, "Did you mean: whole nine yarns". Fuck you, Lord Google!

Grizzly winds up bearing his soul to this guy. He admits that he's wound up in an alley ambushing lone drunks because Spider-Man has become too scary. Apparently he's not jokey Peter Parker any more. How would I know? I don't read Spider-Man! I just like reading about his nemeses! Didn't Doc Ock wind up in Peter's brain or something? Whatever. Grizzly is afraid that Spider-Man is going to kill him now instead of just saying a bunch of stupid puns like "I bearly caught you this time, Grizzly!" or "You bruined my night, Grizzly!" or "Did you hear the one about Gentle Ben and his...OH GOD UNCLE BEN I MISS YOU SO MUCH!"

Grizzly's story ends with Spider-Man kicking his ass.

The next guy to share is The Superior Looter! I think his name is usually just Looter which is dumb but not quite as dumb as The Superior Looter. His story is all about trying to move up in the world of thugs but Spider-Man kept stopping him with really bad jokes. I'm sure Spider-Man's jokes are usually much better. But when the guy whose ass Spider-Man kicked is retelling the story, the good jokes aren't going to be retold. It's all bullshit puns that make no sense for Spider-Man in these stories.

So The Looter trained and improved himself. He designed a better costume and became more charming and practiced his diction. Pretty soon he was ready to face New York again! I don't know where he was before since Marvel has no other locales. Some place called "Missourah" which I think is a suburb of New York City. The Looter got a team together and was ready to show Spider-Man what he'd become! He was ready to show all the criminals that he could rule them all and make a nice profit doing so!

Spider-Man has become an asshole! Does J. Jonah Jameson finally think he's a real hero? Or is he just happy that everybody finally believes him when he says Spider-Man is a threat to this town?

That's it. The Looter points out that Spider-Man isn't really the problem. The problem is that they're all addicted to committing crime. And they really need to get help with their addiction because the super heroes of the city just keep getting more and more violent. It was one thing to commit petty crimes when you knew Spider-Man would be the one to find you, tell a few jokes, and sling some velvety soft webs at you. But now you might as well be committing homicide if Spider-Man is going to come at you like he's Wolverine or The Punisher!

Maybe next month, The Sinister Six will return! For that whole stupid one dollar extra! And Marvel still only gives you 20 pages (plus one recap page) for four dollars! At least (the very fucking least actually) DC gives you two extra pages and glossy covers that smell delightful and feel sensuous.

Superior Foes of Spider-Man #10

Spider-Man! Spider-Man! He lives in a garbage can! Spins a web every night! He's strong to the finish because he's the Spider-Man!

This comic book came out two weeks in a row! What the fuck is that about?! Well, as I begin to read it, I kind of begin to get what the fuck it is all about! Last issue concentrated on Captain Boomerang as he dealt with all of the criminals he's pissed off. As he was getting one Criminal Overlord that wanted him dead pissed off at another Criminal Overlord that wanted him dead, he ran into three other members of the Sinister Six driving around in a school bus loaded with children. It looks like this comic book is going to be about how those guys got themselves into that situation and should end with them picking up Boomerang. Which is kind of cool that these two issues came out right on top of each other since the stories are running parallel.

This issue begins with Overdrive, Speed Demon, and Beetle telling stories about the biggest jerko heroes they ever bested in combat. The first to go is Overdrive as he tells a story about getting one over on Hercules.

Does Hercules always sound this idiotic or is this because he's basically being written by Overdrive? I hope he's always like this! I like it!

Overdrive runs but Hercules eventually catches up. But he doesn't recognize Overdrive because Overdrive has put on a helmet by then. So Hercules, being a big dumb lummox, just asks him if he saw a villain run by. Overdrive points the way and story over!

That story doesn't really make Overdrive seem brave or heroic so I'm willing to bet it's all true! Hercules is an idiot!

This is why Superman doesn't get enough credit for how hard his job is. He probably gets his ass beat 90% of the time because he's going easy on a new villain, pulling his punches because he doesn't want to kill the guy. Meanwhile the villain is going gangbusters all over Superman's face. And just because the villain is super strong, it doesn't mean the villain is invulnerable! So Superman has to steadily increase the power of his punches little by little as he takes a serious beating! Every day Superman is walking a tightrope between getting killed and winding up in jail for manslaughter.

Next, Beetle tells her story about how she beat Daredevil! Her story takes place in court as she went toe to toe with blind Matt Murdock! And since there were rumors that he was Daredevil, she kept trying to trick him into revealing that he had some kind of super senses. But when everything she tried failed, she decided to call in a favor and have The Looter cause a ruckus outside of the courtroom.

Stupid Murdock! Your most important job is putting the criminals away after the criminals have been captured! Jerko!

Lastly, Speed Demon tells his fantastically amazing story about when he beat Spider-Man! Or a different time when he came out on top over The Thing! Or when he iced The X-Men! Or how he cleaned The Avenger's clocks! But his best story was how he got revenge on Hercules for sucker punching him!

Didn't Hercules get the clap from one of his twelve labors? Something about the Stygian Bull? Or Stymphalian Birds? It sounds like you can get clap from those!

Of course that's Hercules walking into the bar bringing the gift of battle. It ends there because do we really need to see these poor guys get their asses beat by Hercules? And by poor guys I mean Beetle and Overdrive since Speed Demon, as usual, runs away instantly.

Even without Nick Spencer writing, this comic wins most whimsical of the week! That's a new award I just decided to give out this week and will forget all about next week! On a positive note, this was the last comic book from the batch delivered on March 19th. So now I only have the comic books that came out last Wednesday! I'm very nearly caught up again! I'd high five all the readers if all of my readers were less than five years old. Otherwise I'd have to high five you and then judge you for being old enough to know better.