Teen Titans #9

Oh, Harvest wins? I guess I'll cancel Teen Titans, Superboy, and Legion Lost from my weekly comic pull list.

Is this the issue where Robin refuses to kill Harvest and wins? I think maybe Harvest had to come back in time because he was the cause of Red Robin going forward in time to become Harvest which is why he has a Time Bubble. Or that first thing I said earlier where Harvest just needs Tim Drake to kill him. But I guess Skitter needs to do something to stop the whole timeline from happening. Maybe? Because she's new to this timeline and can change it?

Or all of my speculation is way off and I should just get on with reading the final issue of ... THE CULLING! [lightning and thunder and pounding on a piano and screams and heart beats]

This is where Jason Todd would say, "Just shut up and die," and then he'd kill him in one panel after four pages of everyone getting their asses kicked. And for once, I'd approve! Two page finale!

Even though Harvest broke into their telepathic planning party last issue, this issue begins with Red Robin and Tyroc putting a final plan together to bring down Harvest. Tim Drake would never, ever have been this sloppy! But I expect it from Scott Lobdell. Now, Tim states that they can do the telepathy thing while Kid Flash blathers but that skill really only works in Warhammer. But, really, once Harvest breached their secret thoughts through telepathy, Red Robin would have given up on it. Just like Batman.

Oh! Unless this is a big fake plan to make Harvest think he knows what they're planning when really their plan is being made on a different, super secret thought chat party that even the reader isn't allowed to know about!

Um, Gar? That's not Terra. Terra's the blond with the braids, dude.

Then Thunder says, "Ayla! Guards are coming," to which Caitlin Fairchild says, "Blast, Lightning! I was hoping the security people would bug out with the rest of the workforce." So does nobody recognize anybody?! Did they all go face blind?! Did the Letterer just say, "Fuck it!" and just scatter the speech bubbles randomly across the page?

While Caitlin and a handful of others man the life boats (or escape pods. Because evil bases in Antarctica must contain escape pods) and the Teen Titans continue to attack Harvest ineffectively, Legion heads down to the power core to blow it up. Which Harvest mentioned he knew about but in a way that didn't suggest he overheard their telepathic chat but suggested he's just so super intuitive that he knew that's what they were going to do. He's so smart!

*sputter* That's not fucking Terra! Terra is standing behind you! Fuck, DC editors and artists and letterers and, and, and FUCK! Can we get a class action lawsuit against DC to just make them fucking care about what they're doing?

The escape pods are all programmed to go to different places with the last one containing the main super heroes. Rose Wilson sends Warblade and the other Ravagers to meet up with the last pod in Ravagers #1. Legion's assault against the power core begins to tear NOWHERE's complex apart. And the Teen Titans continue to fail to do anything to Harvest. And I continue to hate and despise this entire storyline.

Stop it. Stop it right now. With aliens and super powers and mutants and Batmen existing in this universe, it is this kind of thing that obliterates my suspension of disbelief. Harvest did not fucking plan every single move over the last 30 issues or so of Teen Titans, Legion Lost, and Superboy comic books just for this moment to have the scared teens he kidnapped blasted across the world in escape pods. Nobody can see 1000 moves ahead (by dozens of different people, no less) to manipulate everything because nobody knows every single action every single person is going to make no matter how arrogant you are or how far in the future you're from.

I'm going to continue my Captioned rant down here in the main body of the commentary now. This plot device is always stupid. It's really lazy to just keep making every part of the story, no matter how random it ends up being, part of the evil villain's master plan. It's inane and insipid. It's drivel and bullshit and lazy ass writing. But let me guess! The reason Harvest is going to fail (unless, you know, he doesn't and the cover was correct!) is because he's failed to calculate the moves of Skitters because she's like the MULE from Asimov's Foundation series. She's a random cog that Harvest's future knowledge and superior intuition couldn't account for. Or maybe Harvest will just fucking escape since this comic has got to be nearing its end!

Meanwhile, Legion Lost destroys the Power Core and Gates returns in time to save them (and he's got a new Time Bubble in tow), and they all escape to Legion Lost #10 while the core blows.
And Harvest escapes because that was probably the plan. He probably has his real base on the dark side of the moon that never gets any sun. Am I right, DC? RIGHT?! You and your fucking editors have always sucked major ass, haven't you? For any of the children that don't remember DC's big Eclipso crossover, a huge plot point was that Eclipso's base was on the dark side of the moon. And the way the super heroes finally beat him was to angle some sunlight onto the base on the dark side of the moon because Eclipso couldn't possess people (or survive or something) when the sun was shining on him. Except, you know, that's only a fucking saying EVERYBODY at DC working during that crossover! How could not one person, even the fucking janitor, not scratch their ass at some moment and just go, "Hey, you know what? No side of the fucking moon is dark! Every part of the moon gets sunlight on it at some time during its fucking orbit around Earth!"

Okay, anyway, Harvest escapes and then this happens:

Look! A non-omniscient narrator! He's not omniscient because I don't see any fury or flames. Just snow and an explosion.

The Teen Titans tunnel through the Earth thanks to Superboy and Wonder Girl who somehow flies through the Earth towing the others encased in rock. I'll let this one go and just assume Superboy is digging out the Earth ahead of them as they move with his telekinesis. And then the final page which sucks just as much as every other part of the comic book.

Hey, Lobdell! Have you ever been asleep or unconscious? Yeah, it NEVER EVER seems like an eternity passes after you've awoken. And you couldn't just let the comic end without some kind of stupid ass fucking stupid bullshit stupid cliffhanger? Is that Beast Boy?

Teen Titans #9 Rating: -2 Ranking. What more can I say? I could just get a thesaurus and list all the synonyms for horrible. Would that be a good conclusion? Or I could point out that you know the comic is super fucking bad when this is the best page in the comic book:

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!

Is this like giving a television show a Friday or Saturday night time slot? Isn't this just DC saying, "Fuck it! Grifter and Hawkman are going to be cancelled anyway. Let's see what Rob can do to them!" Tony Daniel's Hawkman has just sucked. And Nathan Edmondson's Grifter is currently the worst comic in the New 52. While I'm excited to have Rob Liefeld's art to make fun of as I read Grifter, I'm really disappointed that we'll probably be losing Grifter's profoundly nonsensical Narration Boxing! But Deathstroke was actually sort of not too bad. Sometimes.

Legion Lost #9

I think Harvest is Future Red Robin!

You know, that just hit me. I was looking at the cover of Legion Lost #9 trying to think who Harvest might be. I was going over old Team Titans members since they were from that future where there were a shitload of Teen Titans teams. So Phantasm and that Vampire Kid and another Terra and Wildebeest and some other ones I've forgotten about. And then I thought, "Red Robin!" I don't know how he ended up so far in the future to have 31st Century technology but it makes sense. Red Robin has been obsessed with gathering teenaged meta-humans to bring them together as a team and protect them. Harvest is doing the same thing except he's looking to bring them together to kill each other and form the best team possible. But he's from the future so he might be doing it for his own twisted and logical reasons. Because Tim Drake is a total robot. He has to be careful of being too cold in his logic though or he'll end up becoming Harvest.

And maybe that's why Harvest has come back to this point in time. It's a critical tipping point for him. If Red Robin were left on his own to bond with the team he formed, he'll become more emotional in his dealings with others. But if he's forced into this Culling situation, he'll do what he has to do to save everyone. Which means Harvest is probably going to try to get him to kill somebody. Skitter, maybe? Or Harvest himself? Possibly one of Legion Lost since it looks like the main reason they've come back in time is because of Harvest and not because of Alastor and the Hypertaxis Virus. Stupid Tom DeFalco and his dropping Nicieza's plot.

Yeah, yeah. The bad guy seems to anticipate every fucking thing ever. Except that final moment when he's defeated. So keep jabbering, windbag.

The title of this part of The Culling is "Unbeatable." So Harvest is so powerful that he can't be beat by the combined forces of the Teen Titans and Legion Lost. You know why he can't be beat? Because he's Red Robin and he knows everything about them all: their weaknesses and their strengths. He's had centuries to prepare defenses against them. And now to ensure his future existence, he must allow himself to be killed at the hands of Red Robin! Right? RIGHT?!

Part of the group splits off to find a way out of The Crucible while the rest of the group attack Harvest one at a time and are easily batted away. The whole time, Harvest is dropping hints that he's from the future. He reveals that Chameleon Girl is working for some group called Echo (not a Legion of Super-heroes fan, so I have no idea). He also hints that he knows about Kid Flash's past (or future, amirite?!). He even barges in on their telepathic link.

I don't think Occam's Razor is applicable in comic books.

I just had a thought. What the fuck happened to Danny the Street?!

The group looking for a way out easily finds one because Dawnstar tracked the Ravagers who were ordered out of the Crucible. Easy peasy! They begin climbing toward the surface when they run into Caitlin Fairchild. She's now on their side. But then Rose Wilson shows up! Rose Wilson hasn't been seen since she threatened to introduce Timber Wolf's spleen to her sword and then they didn't fight and Timber Wolf wandered off to beat up Bart Allen (you know, Kid Flash). But now she engages Cailin in a bit of a tussle as the others run away. While retreating, Gates spies a Time Bubble! Maybe Legion Lost can become Legion Unlost! Or Legion Found, probably.

Back in The Crucible, the fight continues with nobody laying a hand on Harvest and Harvest continually telling them all that he planned every single thing. It's like he read the fucking script! He also mentions how he's doing this, killing hundeds of kids, to build an army that will save...wait for it...QUINTILLIONS! That sounds like Red Robin speak!

"Ridiculous Virus"! Hey Fabian Nicieza! That's what Tom DeFalco thinks of your plot!

Wildfire tries to defeat Harvest by releasing his anti-energy from its containment suit (basically his plan is to get naked) but it doesn't work. And it seemed like the team's last hope because Harvest is still standing strong and commanding them all to kneel before him when the comic book ends.

Legion Lost #9 Rating: No change. This comic wasn't nearly as bad as Superboy #9. It shed light Tellus's secret from an earlier issue. Tellus knew the Hypertaxis Virus would resolve itself. And it exposed Chameleon Girl's secret that she's working for Echo and not directly for Legion. But it didn't tell what Tyroc's prophecy was. Perhaps the prophecy had to do with Red Robin becoming Harvest. And those resolutions at least logically cast off the final bit of Fabian Nicieza's initial Legion Lost plot. I might not like how DeFalco just trashed everything but at least he had to put some work into laying the plot to rest. And they found a Time Bubble so maybe they can go forward in time and end this comic! Yay!

Superboy #9

Let me guess: Warblade is immune to telekinesis.

I don't really want to read Superboy next but I figured I'd finish up The Culling while it's still fresh in my mind. Then I can immediately let it drip out the back of my skull while I continue on in ignorant bliss of this crap ever having existed.

Here's the main problem with The Culling: it's about killing off super heroes but I feel pretty confident that no super heroes are going to die (except for Skitter because she's fucking useless). The tension inherent in this plot exists only if the characters have the possibility of dying. And they just don't. At least in Battle Royale and The Hunger Games, you know just about everyone is going to die. The excitement, fear, terror, and worry all stem from the voyeurism of a gory, grisly event and from learning about (and liking!) the characters that you know are about to meet their end. And the hope that your favorite will somehow make it through and survive. But even if I had been told only one character could survive, I wouldn't really care! Besides, it would be Red Robin, totes.
The Culling! Could a worse name have been thought up by the creative team? How about The Brawl? Or The Beating Up? Because nobody besides Artemis is going to die! And she was introduced in the same issue she was killed in.

And where are the Young and Twisted and Full of Cum couple that were sent to the Colony a few issues ago? Maybe they'll make an appearance in Superboy's Issue of The Culling which I'm reading right now!

Here's Superboy to catch us up:

Let me guess: I'd be wrong, right?

I'd have another think coming, wouldn't I?!

Look at that panel above. It's supposed to be a dynamic pose where the characters are all ready to defend themselves against The Ravagers. But everyone is so stiff and awkward! Red Robin and Tyroc are looking toward the cameras waiting for the director to give them some direction. And Superboy looks like he's pop-locking toward them. I think Timber Wolf just snarled, "Bah!" and waved his arm at The Ravagers in elementary school disgust. Chameleon Girl and Lightning are doing whatever the hell Superboy is doing. And Cassie is either sliding on a newly waxed floor or getting ready to fucking Crane Style these bitches. But they can be forgiven for not looking worried because The Ravagers are even more lackadaisical.

Hey! If you fill half of the panel with smoke, you only have to draw half of each person! Unless, you know, Rose Wilson decides to float on top of it.

Look at these assholes! I'm not even scared and I'm a veggie pacifist non-meta human! Although I'm also three dimensional, so I've got that going for me. But look at Rose, Omen, Captain Eyepatch, and Psykill, the big iron giant! More people looking at some action behind the camera. Or artist. Maybe R.B. Silva owns a fucking parrot or something and it's sitting on his shoulder squawking away and distracting the characters. And Miss Belief just looks curious. I also don't remember most of their names. I remember most of them were dumb though.

That's the title? SRSLY? Was Warblade an aide in a legal firm? Or am I supposed to just think of this as an acceptable pun because he has claws and claws rhymes with cause?

After reading this title, I decided to see if there had ever been a movie named Santa Claws. And there was! Take a look at Duke's synopsis of the movie. Go ahead. I'll wait.

So the movie is about a guy who catches his mom fucking a guy dressed like Tim Allen? Fuck, I'd shoot that mother fucker too! Was he grunting as he was giving it to her? "To the uterus! And beyond!" Damn, that's worse than Lost Claws! Now I'm sad.

Back to the action, we never get to find out what Warblade's word was because Superboy blasts him with a telekinetic super blast.

That's clearly what's happening, right? See his hand still there? And a blast shooting out?

Except he doesn't shoot him with a blast. Superboy blasts into Warblade and carries him off somewhere. I guess maybe that happened in-between panels because the very next panel, Red Robin is commanding Solstice to go after Superboy. You know who I'd send after him? The Flash, you dumb twat! Tyroc suggests Dawnstar go because she's an awesome 31st Century tracker and she can find footprints in lava way better than the rest of the people here. Or she can smell his Super Sweat on the air to track him down.

While Red Robin and Tyroc discuss who gets to chase Superboy, the rest of the characters have a dance party.

Gates is dancing to Thriller.

The page after this one is an advertisement for the television show American Ninja Warrior. And I really hate the ads for this show because they're made to look like a comic book. It's distracting. Also, Wonder Woman wants you to defile her. Oh, pretty please?

When did the official uniform for the Amazons become a belly shirt tank top?

Also, the competitor's hand is all thumbs. And he's going to grab Batman's crotch.

Back to the comic, Superboy did slam into Warblade and carried him more than a mile away and drops them both in a lake of lava.

These two just went off to have their own dance party!

Superboy is disappointed that Warblade doesn't melt and claims Warblade must be made of something more durable than metal. Which metal? All metals?! Or maybe he's just made of something with a much higher melting point than "metal." Maybe he's made out of "rock." Or "liquid." Or "candy".

Geez. This fight is epically bad. Amazingly horrible! It's awesomely terrible! It's literally shit. Okay, maybe it's figuratively shit. But it's literally shit in the way that it's not but it's so super bad that I need to really emphasize my point so I use the word literally uncorrectly and every-one looses all've there ability 2 conversate 4 ever moore!!!! LOL!

Oh God. My brain just exploded a little bit. But that sentence didn't hurt it as much as the following actual quotes from Superboy #9:

Red Robin: "These wings are pure Inertron. You'll find them rather resistant to harm. In fact, they're almost as tough and resilient as I am!"

Red Robin: "How you doing, Wonder Girl?"
Cassie (not fucking Wonder Girl, asshole! But she lets this one slide) Sandstrom: "A lot better than Miss Belief!" (I should probably clarify here that her name is misbelief but I'm going to always and forever call her Miss Belief)

Warclaw Warblade: "No, Red Robin. The only way this ends is in a pool of blood. Yours."

Warblade: "Trying to take out the opposition's leader shows real battle smarts. I'm almost impressed."
Superboy: "I almost care."

Timber Wolf: "Have you been fighting another man behind my back? I thought we had an understanding, Rose."
Rose Wilson: "Timber Wolf! I've been hoping we'd get another chance to dance. I would love to introduce your spleen to my sword."

Wait wait wait. Hold up. Is that proper dance etiquette? "MADAME SWORD, PLEASED TO MEET MASTER SPLEEN!" Squish! I would suggest Rose introduce her sword to an organ that Timber Wolf actually needs to continue living. Also, I fucking told you they were dancing, didn't I?

While I got caught up in all of the horrible dialogue, I forgot to mention that Red Robin was rescued by Flash when Rose was about to stab him in the face with her sword. I forgot to mention it even though it was storyboarded so horribly that she never should have had the chance to get the drop on him. They were distracted from their fight by Ridge being thrown to the ground in-between them. This caused them both to fly backwards from the shockwave. But the very next panel, Red Robin is on his back and Rose is standing over him ready to lobotomize him. She misses because The Flash rescues him.

Ooh la la! What is the nick slang for in the 31st Century? Oh! Um, I'll just stick this here. In the Annual, Timber Wolf smelled that Flash was from the future. Well, Kid Flash ran by and Timber Wolf sniffed so I'm pretty sure that's what they were getting at.

Back to the Superboy versus Warblade part of the comic book, Superboy can't use his telekinesis on Warblade and he can't melt Warblade with lava. So he tries to force semen into Warblade's lungs. Um, excuse me. How exactly are you going to get it past Warblade's helmet?

Gah! Superboy! Enough with the cumshots, dude.

Even the facial doesn't stop Warblade. It seems like nothing can stop him! But then Dawnstar grabs him by the armpits and flies him up over a lake of lava and drops him in. He never struggles once or tries to slash her or headbutt her or anything. It's almost as if he's suddenly being written less powerfully! Weird! Or maybe it's Dawnstar's boob window that mesmerizes him and takes the fight out of him.

Besides, dropping him in lava is already proven not to work. Maybe Dawnstar could defeat him if she had a vagina as powerful as Dove's.

Then while Kid Flash is zipping about looking for Skitters, a mysterious figure seems to recognize him. The mysterious figure (Timber Wolf) also uses a thought bubble! Gadzooks!

Normally I wouldn't guess Timber Wolf because he's supposed to be fighting Rose Wilson. But when has any panel in a Scott Lobdell comic followed any other panel logically or consistently?

It is Timber Wolf because later he jumps out and tackles Kid Flash while Kid Flash is running at super speed. Like I said, nothing is logical or consistent. Did Timber Wolf and Rose ever even fight? Or did he just distract her with his witty comment and then they parted ways once Red Robin crept away? Whatever happened, he's here now and Rose Wilson must have moved on to fight someone else. Maybe he ate her. I don't know. He threatens Kid Flash, calling him a monster and accusing him of being the cause for much death and suffering. But Tellus the Fish Psychic gives Timber Wolf an aneurysm so he doesn't end up revealing what Kid Flash did in the future. Maybe Tellus's big secret has something to do with Kid Flash?

And yet another fucking miserably done page right here with a brief cameo from the stretchy guy from Issues #3 and #4 (the Superboy Cumshot cover!) Here's the full page:

The dialogue doesn't matter here. What matters is the writer and artist's awareness of space and time. Panel 1: Superboy pummeling Warblade in front of him. Panel 2: Superboy is stopped and turns to Stretchy McStrectharmstrong who is about six feet away. Panel 3: A small amount of time elapses as Superboy turns his back on Warblade. See? Superboy's arm travels about a foot and a half to release Stretchy's grip on him. Panel 4: Stretchy is stabbed in the back by, you guessed it, Warblade! So Warblade can either teleport or burrow through snow super duper fast.

And after all of that, the lava and the beating and the facial, with Warblade barely showing any sign of slowing down, he's knocked out in one panel when Dawnstar throws a rock into his head. Someone might argue that he was already pretty beat up by Superboy at that point but it's not like someone with strength or super speed or super human throwing abilities threw the rock. It was Dawnstar who threw it! And it cracked the green glass in his eye helmet she threw it so hard! So she can throw a rock with more force than fifty thousand punches from Superboy. Fuck you, Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco!

Superboy and Dawnstar return to the others to find them victorious over the Ravagers. Um. Yay?

Why oh why does R.B. Silva draw women that look like male rock stars from the 80s? Actually, every member of Poison looked more feminine than Wonder Girl looks here.

And then Harvest appears and says, "Ha ha ha! My plan was to get you to fight each other so that you would become tired out so that the rest of The Colony would kill you but I knew you wouldn't fight and you'd save them and then my Ravagers would come to kill you themselves! But my plan counted on you defeating them as well because I wanted you to feel hope before I crushed you myself! Ah ha ha! And you fell for it!" Oh, fuck this.

Superboy #9 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'm curious as to the age of the reader that Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco are writing to. I admit I'm probably way past the age of the target audience for some of these comic books. But even if you're writing to younger folks, start with the premise that they're fucking intelligent and they deserve the respect of a well-told story.

Since I don't know if people actually like Superboy much, I'll discuss Lobdell on his Red Hood title. I've been genuinely surprised by the fandom out there for Jason Todd and Red Hood and the Outlaws. But that's mainly because I haven't been around comics for awhile and Jason Todd came back while I wasn't paying attention. It looks like a lot of people like his sort of Batman with Killing attitude. But I was reading the book based on the writing and Pee-Yew! Lobdell just seems to think that the panels bear no relation to the other panels. He can rewrite the story from scene to scene and it's just fine for him. And the fans accept it and sort of look away because they're just happy to read a Red Hood and the Outlaws story. Well, DC, I see how you treat your fans. You just dish out the swill and expect them to gather round the trough. It's a pretty sad state of affairs but it also makes me even more determined to continue to read your New 52 and point out every miserably stupid panel. That should be the name of my blog: Every Miserable Stupid Last Panel.

P.S. I just watched a video of Scott Lobdell answering questions and snooze.

P.P.S. I know I was pretty hard on Scott Lobdell. Feel free to replace his name with Tom DeFalco if DeFalco was the main reason this comic was put together so poorly. Also, in Lobdell's defense, the last issue of Red Hood and the Outlaws was actually pretty good and made a lot of sense.

Teen Titans Annual #1

This is a fairly standard Teen Titans cover where each member matches up against a similarly powered villain. Or other hero since Legion Lost aren't villains. I think?

This is DC's first annual. I sure hope they don't do annuals for all 52 comics. It doesn't look like it since we're about ten issues in and only three comics have received annuals so far (Teen Titans, Batman, and Animal Man). At least it says right on the cover of The Culling crossover which comics I"m supposed to read and in which order. But too bad it's written by Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco!
Chapter One: In Which Red Robin Meets Some People.

Last issue ended with the Teen Titans captured by Leash. This issue begins with Red Robin lying on the ground with a spear at his throat as he finds himself in The Colony. This is a hellhole where all of the teen super freaks NOWHERE has gathered have been placed to prepare them for The Culling. The Culling is the comic book version of the Japanese book/movie Battle Royale (or The Hunger Games if you're a teenaged girl). A lot of people are going to kill a lot of other people to find out who is most worthy to become a Ravager. At least that's what I've pieced together over the last dozen issues of comics that mention The Culling as if it's the next great crossover since sliced bread. Or Final Crisis. Whatever.

I can't hear what they're saying because I'm so fascinated with the zippers on their outfits.

Now, most super heroes wear full body tights. This may be the first time I've seen zippers quite like this on costumes. And these costumes were given to them by the people running The Culling. Which makes me think that the easy access to a person's genitalia is an important part of this contest! Or maybe this brother and sister team (named Lightning and Thunder) have a special power when they merge their boy and girl parts.

Red Robin gains the respect of his rivals by taking down a girl named Artemis. Also by cracking jokes when he's at the pointy end of her spear.

Oh, and look! Apparently the story was coherent enough for me to figure it out! Right down to stealing the idea from the movie, Battle Royale.

The Culling seems like a good idea since it should mean the end of Teen Titans or Legion Lost or Superboy. But what it really means is an additional comic book title: The Ravagers.

Red Robin and his new team (I don't know where his old team wandered off to!) head out across The Colony to, um, go somewhere for some reason. On their way to the someplace, they wander into the wrong territory so that the reader doesn't get too bored seeing as how a punch has yet to be thrown. And I'm betting the leader of this new territory really knows how to throw a punch!

His name is actually Fist Point! FIST POINT! What's his super power? Showing you which way to go with his fist? "Hey, Fist Point? Where's the bathroom?" POINTS DOWN THE HALL WITH HIS FIST!

The fight lasts no time at all. Artemis puts him down and Fist Points runs off with his fists between his legs. The rest of the group make it back to their camp where the rest of the Teen Titans and Superboy are hanging out waiting for Red Robin.

Chapter Two: In Which Legion Lost Remains Lost

The Legion Lost team are in another part of The Colony looking for a way out. But even with Gates and his ability to teleport, they can't get through the force field keeping all the young dudes contained. Harvest and his Bad Boy Review are secretly keeping an eye on them.

Now Harvest brought Legion back from the future? It wasn't the Hypertaxis? Or Chameleon Girl's secret plan? Maybe this was Tyroc's prophecy? Or the secret that only Tellus knows?

Chapter Three: In Which A Silly Battle Takes Place

Leash heads over to the Colony to grab up some Teen Titans to fight Legion Lost. He takes all of them but Skitter. He also takes Lightning but not her brother Thunder. After Leash disappears, Skitters has a moment with someone who speaks like Skitters.

Skitters needs to go get retooled so that she can be an effective member of the team instead of a cocoon.

When the Teen Titans arrive in The Crucible, Legion Lost is waiting for them. And even though Red Robin was told what this whole thing was about and how teenaged meta-humans were going to be forced to fight to the death, they attack Legion believing that Legion is part of NOWHERE. Yet again, knowledge of what's going on doesn't help to stop a fist fight that shouldn't happen. At least Red Robin should take the time to shout, "Hey! You think they're a group like us? Maybe we should talk about this first!" But, no, that doesn't happen. Fists start flying and irrational and stupid banter ensues.

Oh, sure. He's hair is a bit shaggy and he's got some stubble, so nickname him Furball and call him a Mountain Lion!

Whoa. You sure you know what you're saying there, Gates?

All of this silly nonsense between the Teen Titans and Legion is merely to wear the two teams down, according to Harvest. They're so much more powerful than the rest of the captives that they needed to beat up on each other before the rest of the kids arrive. Which they do in Chapter Four!

Chapter Four: The Motherfucking Culling, Fuckers!

As soon as all of the other youngsters arrive full of fake fury due to Leash's power, the Teen Titans and Legion realize they're on the same side! So they decide to work together to make sure nobody dies and Harvest's Culling lays a big turd in the ratings.

But no matter how hard they try, they can't keep an eye on the hundreds of fighters in The Crucible and eventually one of them is killed. Fist Points earns first blood by killing Artemis! +100 Points!
Chapter Five: The Motherfucking Crucible Continues, Gobsmackers!

Ravagers Ravage!

Legion and the Teen Titans save the day and nobody else dies. Harvest laughs because the plan being ruined was all part of the plan! And then he sends The Ravagers in to The Crucible to kill everyone. Stupid Ravagers. If the whole point of The Culling is to find the best fighters in a fight to the death and then you're being sent in to fight to the death, don't you see Harvest is using you as well? He doesn't believe you're the best team! Maybe you guys should work with the Titans and Legion as well! Hmm? Yes? Maybe?

Teen Titans Annual #1 Rating: I'm not going to penalize a comic for having a stupid Annual because I don't believe there's been an annual in the history of comic books that has been worth buying. Ever. Somebody prove me wrong!