Darkstars #8

Worst homecoming theme ever.

This is the last issue of Darkstars I own. I'm a little bit sad that I own this one because this cover is poo on fire. I suspect that Past Me, much like current me, never looked at the covers of the comics as he bought them. He just saw the title and grabbed the magazine, adding it to the pile to take to the register. Usually when the cashier is ringing up my comics is the first time I'll really look at the covers and I'm not the type of person to grab the cashier's hand as they pick up a comic book to ring it up and yell, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Not so fast! This comic book looks like runny diarrhea! I'm putting it back." No, I'm more the kind of person who notices how awful the comic book looks and simply lets out a nearly inaudible, haunting moan from the deepest part of that part of me my old friend Soy Rakelson would probably call a soul. I just call it the part of my brain that's going to get the skewer first when I finally decide none of this Goddamned pain is worth it anymore.

Look at this fucking terrible cover. This 90s art is the kind of art that was (and often still is) hailed as dynamic by critics and fans who never seem to know the difference between "dynamic" and "posed." This doesn't look like a shot of these idiots having just finished a battle with a mechanical bull. It just looks like they stood in line with their prom photo tickets until they were waved over and told to look at the camera and smile before being hustled off the stage for the next couple's chance at a shitty memory.

It's been a few days since I wrote a comic book review because I've been busy with my other project. I set up an Artificial Intelligence program to come up with new names for Xanth novels. These are some of my favorites:

Centaurs Can't Masturbate
The Boner Tree
Titillating Minors Makes Money
The Word Bosom Fifty Thousand Times in a Row
No Matter How Many Naked Women are Described, Never Mention Their Genitals
Whoops! That Scene Was Too Sexy
In This One, A Dragon Fucks a Duck
The Human Nickelpede
Seriously Though. They Can't Fucking Masturbate!
Seventy Unfunny Puns and Sixteen More That Don't Make Any Sense
This Book is the Merriam-Webster Definition of Chauvinism
Convicting Somebody of Rape is Embarrassing for Both Parties So Maybe Just Forget About It?
Whoops! I Gave a Ten Year Old Female Centaur Huge Boobs. Can We Fix This in Post?
If You've Read Piers Anthony's Other Books and Enjoyed Them, Maybe You'll Like This Book That He Put Way Less Effort Into
Magic Doesn't Recognize Same-Sex Relationships But a Human Can Fuck a Goat and Produce a Mutant Offspring

Oh no! Are they planning on destabilizing a region so they can send in the military and take control of its oil?

Eight issues in and I haven't discussed the Darkstars uniform. Ignore the one on the cover; the artist completely fucked that one up. Just check out the one on the panel scanned above. What's with the piano keys theme? Will we eventually learn that they're powers are tied to music in the same way the Green Lantern power is tied to emotion? Did Grant Morrison ever use the Darkstars in his Multiversity lore as the movers and shakers of the harmony of the spheres which allowed for the different universes vibrating on different musical frequencies? But most importantly: can you play Chopsticks on a Darkstars' chest?

Another great (?) aspect of the Darkstars uniform is the huge arrow pointing at the crotch. Whenever I wear super tight material that hugs my junk and exposes my intimacy, I love to call attention to it. "Hey hey hey! Ladies and Gents! Have you ever wondered exactly what my cock and balls look like? Check it out! Also this isn't vulgar because you're looking at cloth and not my skin even if the cloth hugs every wrinkle and vein. So please stop trying to have me arrested."

It turns out "The American Way" isn't destabilization of countries who have resources that Americans want but don't want to pay for; "The American Way" is advertising jobs for needed positions. Man, that's so boring. And yet, it's the most interesting part of this comic book series so far!

In 1993, what does "some familiarity with computers" mean? That you've used Koala Pad and wasted tons of meat by killing bears on The Oregon Trail?

I know, I know! By 1993, people no longer even remembered Koala Pad and The Oregon Trail. It's just I don't really remember what was big in 1993. AOL Chat and Myst, maybe?

You might also be wondering why Carla is dressed like a lunatic. Turns out, she's taking the Darkstars to a Country Western Bar. Yee haw! I'm pretty sure the first bar I ever went to was a Country Western Bar, The Saddle Rack, in San Jose, California. It was my 21st birthday and we were there because my friend Bob and I had made a pact when we were ten that when we turned 21, we were going to ride a mechanical bull. Bob turned twenty-one 23 days before me and he also remembered that stupid pact for eleven years. I also opened some presents that night and the woman I was dating gave me a Lobo t-shirt.

Geez, we get it, Darkstar. Your entire race was murdered. Don't make us feel guilty about having fun just because your people "used to have fun too."

What a dumb question, Carla! Obviously he knows what music is. He's got a fucking piano painted on his chest.

While Darkstar hits the bar, Homeless Mo hires an office manager and K'lassh destroy's Darkstar's ship in orbit. Also, I should probably stop calling Mo Douglas "Homeless Mo." He lives at the office now!

Ugh! What's with all this political correctness and virtue signalling?! Why can't this old comic book be more like, um, older comic books and just stick to bank robberies and punching bad guys? I mean super villain bad guys bent on taking over the world and not white supremacist bad guys intent on taking over America! I mean, well, you know what I mean! Just have the good guy punch the obviously bad guy who doesn't need to espouse terrible social beliefs that I might also espouse! We know he's bad! Just make him generally bad or you're going to alienate your readership! I know racism is bad! But shoving it down my throat like this just makes me think, "Maybe it's not so bad?"

That previous caption was satirical and not actually my personal feelings. See, the thing about writing is that you can write whatever you can imagine and it doesn't make the thing you've written some secret insight into the truth of the writer. It's just shit that was typed in half a second without any thought at all behind it. Except, I mean, there was a lot of thought behind it. And a lot of that thought was less about Comics Gaters types currently spouting a lot of that kind of garbage and more about comic book fans writing letters to old comics that were saying the same kinds of things twenty and thirty years before it got a stupid "Let's append -gate to another word!" name. Also, it did not take half a second. Mostly because my brain is broken and it took me forever to pull the word "alienate" out of it even though it was the word I wanted to use and I knew the definition and could almost hear the word in my head but my brain was all, "Fuck you. Why should I give you this word you're seeking? You know how many hits of LSD you rammed through me, you careless asshole? Get fucked!"

Darkstar takes an interest in the mechanical bull and is all, "Aw, that doesn't look so tough! Not like this space mechanical bull from this place in space I know!" Some drunk and tough cowjerk hears Darkstar's comments and simply assumes, like I assume he always assumes, that Darkstar is emasculating him with his words.

Beau is the Lobo of the Country Western Bar.

Darkstar decides the best way to calm the situation is to ride the mechanical bull. Beau watches him and yells, "He's the best I've ever seen!" It begins to look like Darkstar's plan is going to work until some other rube tells Beau, "That guy ain't human!" Beau goes full redneck and is all, "Yeah! He ain't! That means I have a duty to try and get him killed!" He then throws the switch on the mechanical bull to "Do Not Attempt This! Dangerous! Why Did We Even Add This Setting?!" Carla cold cocks Beau to help save Darkstar even though he doesn't need help. Wasn't she listening when he told his story about the space mechanical bull in space and how it was way harder than the Earth version? Darkstar breaks the mechanical bull with his crotch and will now have to pay for the damages. It's a good thing he's saved all that gold by firing Flint last issue.

I don't know if it ever happened because this was the last issue of Darkstars I ever read but I hope Beau came back as a villain and called himself Low Beau.

Dammit. Now I want cake.

Carla writes a check to pay for the damages to the bar just as K'lassh arrives. Carla decides to keep her checkbook out.

Darkstars #8 Rating: B+. I don't know if this issue was better than the rest because I knew it was the last issue I was going to read or because it objectively was better. At least I didn't have to suffer through Travis Charest's 90s art. This issue was done by guest penciller Patrick Zircher! Basically that meant it looked like 80s comics which I never mean to defend when I say 90s comics art was terrible. There was a lot of 80s comic art that was fucking awful as well! But it was standard awful! 90s art was unbearable because it was objectively terrible in so many ways (anatomy, asymmetry, overuse of specific tropes) but people proclaimed it the greatest art they had ever seen. I wouldn't have minded so much if everybody was all, "Well, this isn't great but it's different. Let's see what happens with it for awhile!" Anyway, in my world, Darkstar was murdered by K'lassh and there was never another issue.

Darkstars #7

The "A"s in the logo have genitals.

In the 90s, comic book readers accepted that professional artists were now drawing like every kid in the 2nd grade. Not exactly, of course! I wouldn't want to be taken literal by everybody on the Internet who doesn't understand exaggeration and hyperbole. Unless the do understand it but they understand wanting to sound smarter than everybody else on the Internet so much that they can't understand whimsy and mockery. So the figures are drawn better than I could have done in 2nd grade. But I know every single time I drew something in 2nd grade, I'd misjudge perspective and depth. So after drawing the first guy (who I decided was standing in mist because I didn't want to draw his feet in that foreshortened way that feet need to be drawn but which is difficult to pull off), I'd begin drawing the second character. But at some point, I'd realize I'd gotten their proportions wrong and so I'd wind up making them stand in a hole in the ground. Then the third guy would look like he was floating so I'd draw a mound of dirt for him to stand on (and not stand on in the way we would see a person standing on dirt but standing directly on top of the horizontal line that was the top of the mound of dirt). Then I'd think, "Should they be standing in a city or a forest or a battle scene full of corpses?" But that thought would only lead to the thought, "No, that's too much work," and then I'd just sketch some lines for clouds or air movement or something and call it done.

So, you know, just like this. Maybe I should have realized at the time that my 2nd grade style was the popular style because it is the only time I've ever had a work of art hung in a museum (the Triton Museum in Santa Clara)! Fuck, I missed my calling! I could have helped found Image Comics!

This issue begins with an alien wearing a fart collector on his head.

The only reason you haven't seen me on Shark Tank with my Fart Collector is because I know what a fucking scam it is. Sure, you have to pay back loans if your business fails while investor money is free. But if your business is successful, the loan is eventually paid off while the investors stick around sucking off your profits until the day you die.

How do you know if you're good at poetry? Poems are like farts. Most people leave the room in order to avoid yours but they can't get enough of their own.

The fart loving alien is some despot whose people have finally turned against him and hired an assassin to kill him. It's 1993 and Darkstars could sure use a bump in sales with a Lobo guest spot but I'm guessing it won't be Lobo because I'd fucking remember that. The poor despot. He's a terrible ruler who treats a certain segment of his population as not worthy of life and he longs for their love anyway. That's exactly the kind of leader who should be assassinated. I am now winking and nudging you with my elbow.

This is the exact face of every protagonist in every comic during Image's first year in business (except for the ones that were demons from Hell or had one mechanical eye).

Darkstar and Hawkman become best friends and promise to team up again in the future. Then he fucks off to go do whatever Hawkman did in Hawkworld. Fuck if I ever read that. Have I mentioned how much I don't like Hawkman? Or Green Arrow?! Or Hal Jordan? Or Superman? Maybe I should just list the DC heroes I like: Halo and Blue Devil.

The fart-sucking despot faces his assassin and of course it's not Lobo. Judging by the 90s Image look, his name is probably DeathDie or Crushblow or DeadBlast or PunchAbort.

Did all 90s artists design new villains using the same standard template?

The assassin's name is K'lassh. Yeah, two S's instead of two A's. It's an alien tongue. It probably means "He Who Sucks The Entrails Out of a Rabbit's Asshole and Fucks the Corpse."

Now it's time for more art because holy fuck is it terrible. But it's terrible in that exactly specific way that comic book readers were blind to in the 90s. In the 90s, this art was fucking radical, dude.

Part of me gets it. Part of me thinks, "Whoa! That art is fucking dynamic and bad ass!" But that's also the part of me that smells my finger after it breaks through the toilet paper while wiping my ass.

Flint quits his job as deputy Darkstar before Darkstar can even yell at him. Then he's all, "I'm just like you!" And Darkstar flies off thinking, "Yeah! He is just like me! I bet we'll be good friends in a few more issues!" The next issue is the last one I own so I hope I never see that asshole cop again. Sorry to be redundant.

The story of K'lassh killing alien Trump was told so that by the end of this story, when the drug runners bring K'lassh to Earth to battle Darkstar, we, the readers, will be shitting in our pants thinking, "Oh no! That guy is really powerful! Darkstar is in trouble now!" Or we laughed at loud at the stupid costume and name and stopped buying the comic book forever.

Darkstars #7 Rating: C. I think seven issues of any mediocre comic book is just too many to read without another series to break up the space monotony. And I've still got one more! But after this, I'll be done with this box of old comic books! I don't know how long I've been re-reading my old comic books but I think it's been a few years now. And I've just finished the first box. Granted it wasn't a long box or a short box; it was a big old fruit box. So there were a lot of comic books in it! I can't wait to see what comic books await me in the next box I open! But whatever series winds up being in that box, I think I need to alternate titles to keep myself interested. I'll figure it out when I get there.

In the meantime, how about buying my Role Playing Game, Places & Predators? I know Amazon sucks. If you're ideals mean more to you than buying my hilarious and fun game, you can always Venmo $3.00 to GrunionGuy and I'll send you a PDF.

Darkstars #6

Art directors were suffering from some weird brain parasite in the early 90s.

In the 90s, the way you could tell the difference between men and women in comic books was that men's faces were full of lines to express tension and rage and determination while women's faces were smooth blank canvasses to express their beauty and their lack of a nose. No wonder I hardly dated in the 90s. A woman would start flirting with me and I'd think, "Ugh! She's got too much nose!"

People think 90s comic art was all about lots of pouches and big guns. But it was just as equally about lines all over men's faces, gritting teeth, clenched fists, adult women who look no more than fifteen, and characters that had one weird eye because drawing symmetrical eyes is hard.

The issue begins with Darkstar and Homeless Mo flying off to help Flint stop the space sex slave traders. Homeless Mo can tell something's bothering Darkstar because he has even more lines on his face than normal. Homeless Mo says, "You look way more like a male character than usual. Is something bothering you?" And Darkstar is all, "Let me tell you the story of the day everything went wrong and I lost my innocence about the job and I became a cynical bastard who flaunts the rules because the rules can't save anybody!"

Darkstar's origin is that his planet was destroyed by a race raiding it for resources. He was one of the few survivors and was approached by a Darkstar to join the force. He did because what else was left for him? Also maybe he could help some other poor planet. When he finally got his chance to help out, he screwed up and everybody on the planet under his protection died. So now he's bitter and angry and guilt-ridden. But he's still got a job to do so he's going to stop pitying himself and do it. Plus he'll probably need to beat whomever he suspects of doing anything wrong and maybe kill them because playing by the rules just didn't cut it for the people on Jenuwyne.

Zack Morris could be jerking off into Steve Urkel's mouth while the Spice Girls girl powered each other's buttholes and it would be less 90s than this page of art. Not?

Hawkman and Hawkwoman stumbled upon the space sex slave traders when they tried to kidnap a friend of theirs. Apparently she and Carla White are the only two women worth missing on a massive rocket ship filled to the brim with kidnapped women. Also, did Hawkman lose Superman's number? He could have just called him to stop the ship and then...oh wait. Never mind. I forgot Superman is dead. Loser.

Oh man. I'm so sexist. I mean, oh woman. I'm so sexist. I assumed only women were being taken as space sex slaves but there are male humans in shackles aboard the ship too. That seems weird because why kidnap men when you could just tell them, "Hey, you want to have tons of sex with strange and exotic space women?" And then before they heard you mumble "and space men too," they'd have already been shouting, "Yee-haw! I'mma gonna get my dick space wet! Whoopee!" If that reaction doesn't ring true as a universal way of pre-celebrating the coming loss of your virginity, forget I even said it.

Somebody needs explain Earth slang to Colos and also the term "Phrasing!"

Hawkman slips into a hatch on the slaver ship before it closes. Weird to still be closing hatches in the middle of a space launch but since I don't work for NASA or Space X, I can't say if that's all that improbable. I'm sure it's totally fine. Darkstar and his sidekick follow close behind Hawkman but since the hatch is closed, they have to smash through it. That also doesn't interfere with the launch. I'm glad I know nothing about the incredible frictional forces and heat build up produced by launching a large metal ship out of Earth's atmosphere or I might now be stroking my chin and shaking my head while mumbling, "Oh, come on!"

Also it's a fucking comic book so who cares? As long as some people get masered and Hawkwoman shows more ass and cleavage, the audience is going to come back for more.

Hawkman is crying because another man saved his life. On Thanagar, that means you're now Hawkwoman.

That last caption may have sounded like a sexist joke but it was commentary about the hyper-masculinity of Hawkman. He probably also said, "No homo," after being saved and then punched holes in five different walls.

Meanwhile, Hawkwoman and Detective Jamón-Face continue fighting the space sex slavers on Earth.

Here's half of what the audience is clamoring for.

Even Hawkwoman must be tired of Hawkman's toxic masculinity or else why would she call him half-cocked? What an insult!

Darkstar Flint and Hawkwoman stop Pappas and his alien crew. Flint takes off to leave the clean-up to Hawkwoman and the cops. But before he leaves, he shoots his maser at people so the audience can get the other half of what they want out of this book. Is "Darkstars" an anagram of "tits and masers"? Close though, right?

This was the most practiced pose in 90s super hero comics.

What were we fucking smoking in the 90s?! I only say "we" metaphorically; I fucking hated this style of art even back then. There's a reason I don't own Wild C.A.T.S. #1 or any of the other debut Image books. I didn't even pick them up for investment purposes! Don't think I didn't buy my share of crap though! I kept buying The New Titans well past issue #100; it's just that I didn't buy crap simply because everybody was raving about the new kinetic art style by a bunch of young up and coming artists who probably had high school year book quotes like "Why would I study anatomy?" and "Thigh legs are as thick as torsos, right?"

I just discovered, six issues in, that Homeless Mo's name is Douglas. How did I get it so wrong?! That's the most rhetorical of rhetorical questions. I could go back through the issues to see why I thought his name was Mo but that feels like work. Also, I probably just forgot his name and made up Homeless Mo subsequently fooling myself into believing that was his real name.

What the fuck?! Darkstar just called him Douglas in the previous panel!

Well, I guess that solves the mystery. His name must be Mo Douglas and he's homeless. Grandmaster comic book reader?

As Darkstar and Mo and Hawkman break into the slave pen, Carla White rallies the other prisoners to pick up the fallen guards weapons and fight back. They respond by throwing their fists in the air and yelling, "Yeah! We can fight too!" But things don't work out too well for them because they aren't established characters.

If I ever wind up in a battle for my life and I'm killed, please do not chastise me for giving up.

With the help of Carla White, Darkstar, Mo, and Hawkman take control of the slave ship and turn it back towards Earth. Darkstar stares at Carla and begins calculating how much gold he brought with him to see if his budget can afford another deputy. Although judging by the next issue's cover, Carla will just be taking over Detective Flint's job.

Darkstars #6 Rating: B. Was this the type of guest appearances that go us comic book readers so fucking excited back in the day?! Hawkman and Hawkwoman could have been any character at all based on the level of interaction they had with the other characters. I guess all we comic book fans need to be happy is somebody in our favorite character's costume and we'll dish out the cover price of books we'd otherwise not read. On one hand, I think it's poor form for DC to use Hawkman and Hawkwoman so shallowly just to get fans to buy this book. But on the other hand, I hate Hawkman so fuck his fans.

Darkstars #5

What happens when two guys clash, each thinking they're the ultimate authority for good and each believes violence is the best solution to a problem? We'll find out this issue!

I didn't know hawks were angry assholes but I'm assuming Hawkman is the personification of a hawk's personality so it must be true. I also didn't know spiders were mild-mannered. Or guys were misogynist, short-tempered jerk-offs (you know, like Guy Gardner). I've learned a lot from comic books!

I just looked over the cover again and I think it might be on my Top Ten Sexiest Comic Book Covers of All Time. Mostly it's due to the way Detective Crumbstache and Hawkman look like they're furiously trying to jerk each other off and the way Hawkwoman double grips that crossbow the way she'd not have to double grip my cock.

How come I never read Modesty Blaise? It was about two whole things, one of which I really enjoy!

The cover of this issue just got even sexier if you consider the inside advert as part of the cover which I do because look at the way Modesty is sucking off that gun. I bet I was planning on buying Modesty Blaise but then I jerked off over this advert, fell immediately asleep on top of the comic, and woke up later having forgotten all about it. It's the exact same reason I never read Warlord.

Now I want to make this advert into a sign to protest the police. It should really confuse them!

This issue is called "Slaves and Other Prisoners." If one of the "R"s in "prisoners" was a "B", it would be an anagram for pissboner. A better writer probably would have written about the problematic casual use of the word slaves in the American vernacular. "Vernacular" is an anagram for "anal curver."

A couple of aliens have arrived in Earth's orbit to pick up Evil Star and his Starlings and transport them to Galactic Prison. They treat Evil Star like shit and Darkstar is all, "Whoa, my dudes! Chill out, man! Don't make me have to raise my voice! We're all cool here. No need for negative vibes!" Man, I really misjudged Darkstar Colos when I began reading this comic book. He's actually a decent cop. But then again, his story is the exact story of any cop that tries to be decent in a corrupt system that fetishizes violence, power, and respect. He's been shoved off to a backwater planet that's so far out of the Controller's sphere of influence that they've already questioned the leader of the Darkstars as to the need for space cops so far afield. Colos was trouble and he was acting better than the other cops so he got sent off to where he can't cause any problems. Weird to think that the phrase "can't cause any problems" in police lingo actually means "improves the system and works toward justice and accountability."

Detective Chicago-head gets put on the Carla White kidnapping case. The cops don't actually know she's been kidnapped but they suspect Pappas, the Loco kingpin, took her against her will. But Detective Two-Sausages-One-Bun pretends he's been on a drinking jag and isn't in his right mind to lead a raid on Pappas's warehouse. That's because he wants to raid the place himself in his Darkstars Sidekick outfit. Once again, he's proving that he's a terrible cop (aka a status quo, regular, run-of-the-mill police).

Detective Two-Sizes-Too-Big-Head had better hurry with the rescue mission because Carla White is currently being sold into the space sex slave trade. I was going to make a joke earlier about her being sold into the alien sex slave trade but then I thought better of it, realizing that just putting "space" in front of "sex slave trade" didn't rise to an appropriate level of satire that would justify making light of sex slavery. I did add the word "space" to sex slave trade at the beginning of this paragraph but it wasn't for a joke; it was just stating the facts of this comic book. Look, we all read the title! We all knew where this story was headed but I wasn't brave enough to broach the subject earlier. I just said that stupid thing about an nearly correct anagram and moved on.

Oh, by the way, when Carla White hears she's going to be sold into sex slavery, she's all, "I'm not going to be the property of some Middle East sheikh!" Seems a little racist to me. I bet she felt dumb (and racist) when she found out she was being sold to aliens and not Arabs.

Is this why conservatives don't have any morals or ethics? Because they think if they acted on those things, they'd get sold into the space sex slave trade?

Since I've added "space" to the phrase "sex slave trade," I can probably call it hyperbole and satire when I write something like, "Boy! I sure wish all conservatives would get sold into the space sex slave trade!"

Actually, yes, Detective Mustached-Rumproast, that's exactly what you were supposed to do.

It's not the cop's job to become judge and jury because they don't trust the judge and jury will do their job. If that's why cops kill people then I think it means citizens are allowed to kill cops if we don't believe they'll do their job? Am I using logic correctly? I'm just a stupid libturd so I wouldn't know logic if it constantly @ed me on Twitter demanding that I debate it.

Flint (that's the name of Detective Sausage-fingers. I learned his name because I've run out of different types of meat to compare his fat head to) breaks into Pappas's space sex slave trade warehouse where the ship is nearly fully loaded with slaves for space sex. But instead of battling the space sex slave traders and saving the day, he starts a fight with Hawkman and Hawkwoman. Where rock has this guy's pink, salty ham-head been stuck under his entire life? He doesn't recognize the good heroes of the DC Universe?!

I wonder if Stan Lee had ever considered a law suit against every comic book that had two different heroes mistakenly battle each other before they realized their error and teamed up? It's so recognizably a Marvel idea that I would have awarded Stan Lee all the money. Unless the idea is actually from The Bible? I mean Cain and Abel almost pulled that trick except Abel just wound up being too much of a loser to survive to the team up part.

During the confusion of the violent good guys fighting the other violent good guys, the rocket with the space sex slaves takes off. Hopefully Hawkman and Detective Flint will learn a lesson from this incident. Maybe suss out the situation before beating everybody you see to a bloody pulp.

Darkstars #5 Rating: B. The Hawklovers were only in this issue for a couple of pages which is fine by me but probably not ideal for all the Hawklover fans who purchased this book because they were on the cover. I'm sure the next issue will feature more Hawklover action. I'm also sort of hoping that Carla White has now been launched into space and won't be rescued. She'll just turn up in a spin-off series called Space Sex Slave Traders. Obviously that never happened but now that I put the idea out there, maybe it did happen in another, better, sexier timeline.

Darkstars #4

Hey hey! It's the Nineties!

I sometimes wonder how people into fashion and fashion history can look at some item of clothing and know exactly when it was created. Same with experts on music and visual art and poetry. But then I realize that even though I'm hardly an expert, I could probably do a fairly decent job of looking at comic book art and guessing what era it was from. I'm sure if I studied a bit, I'd be excellent at it considering I've done so much pre-course work due to my comic book hobby. The only really difficult part would be guessing art from artists who have really long careers and their style doesn't change a great deal. Like maybe somebody like Curt Swan, you'd be able to guess when he started and maybe a decade or so after as his form improved. But at some point, Curt Swan is just fucking Curt Swan for, like, decades! So I'd probably be terrible at recognizing the minutia that would be the fingerprint of the decade he was working in at the time.

What I'm saying is, "This cover looks like if The 90s ate some bad oysters and wound up shitting and vomiting at the same time but got caught in the rotation so neither The 90s mouth or butthole were facing the toilet and the sick just sprayed out of both ends and landed on the cover of Darkstars #4." And that was one of my less tortured metaphors!

According to this cover, somebody is still trying to make "The Darkstars" happen. According to next issue's cover, it didn't happen. I knew I was on the right side of history when I refused to use the article!

This is the title of this issue:

Imagine how much more exciting George Lucas's movie franchise would have been had he chosen to put an exclamation point at the end of the title. What a tragic loss!

I want my legacy to be, "He wrote a thing that was as good as Lucille Bluth's 'Here's some money. Go see a Star War.'"

Evil Star begins destroying a city because he's evil. The star part of his name must be vestigial because he doesn't act like a star. Unless he doesn't mean the astronomical star but the Hollywood star. I guess the tantrum he's throwing because Green Lantern hasn't welcomed him to Earth is quite star-like. I take it back about the "Star" being vestigial but mostly because I was probably using vestigial wrong. And if I was, just know I was using it metaphorically which means you can't criticize me for using it wrong.

Evil Star calls Green Lantern "the green coward." In the last three issues, no character has actually said "Green Lantern." It's like when a star on a game show is from a show on another network, they don't mention the network because it's their rival. Although they do sometimes. I think it was probably a certain time where nobody would mention the competitors. Probably the 80s. And since I don't know as much as I thought I knew before I started typing this crap, maybe I should have stuck with the analogy of how Marvel and DC always refer to each other as "the competitor." Unless it's another word that's a synonym for competitor. See, I don't know much about that either!

The Eee! Tess Ate Chai Guarantee: "I might sound like I know everything but I'll readily admit to you when I absolutely know nothing (but only if called on it and can't deflect the accusation)."

Some cops pull up to stop Evil Star and one cop is all, "I'll show you power, jerko!" And the other cop is all, "No, don't!" Not because he's against lethal force but because he realizes Evil Star has even more lethaler force, a lesson the cop learns for himself rather quickly.

I'm not saying I cheered at this panel because that would open me up to a bunch of criticism from online jerks who don't understand fiction, satire, or hyperbole.

So with the cops dead, it's up to Darkstar and his sidekicks (one of which is a cop) to stop Evil Star! Unless Green Lantern suddenly appears but I think he's not allowed to show his face in this comic book and/or he's busy becoming Parallax.

So there's this big comic book fight and it's a lot like every other comic book fight you've ever read. Which really makes you wonder why some comic book fans only want to read comic books where there are big fights. Why would you want to read the same thing over and over again?! Some people just like to look at the different outfits, I guess. Anyway, I'm not going to describe the fight blow-by-blow. Y'all know how these things work! The good guys get beat up for awhile and maybe defeated after which the bad guy flees instead of killing them. Or the good guys get beat up for awhile before digging deep and defeating the bad guy. It all depends on how many issues the story is set to run. And since I think this story is over this issue, the fight will be of the latter sort.

I'm not saying, after looking at this panel, I subsequently wrote a fan-fic story that went into way too much detail describing Colos's cock and how Detective Beer-Guzzles' mustache felt rubbing against the thick, pink skin because that would open me up to a bunch of fan-fic writers who would try to befriend me so we could swap dirty stories.

Meanwhile, Carla White learns that you can't quit family. Or mob bosses.

He's from America. Another thing you learn in America: if somebody doesn't respond to you being polite, you have every right to become a violent asshole. It's the major defense on Judge Judy. "Yes, your Honor, I smashed up her car. But she wouldn't move it when I asked her politely to move it for no reason at all except that I wanted to park there!"

Evil Star retreats to a junk yard to engage in an existential crisis. Why is he evil? Why does he do bad things? Why does everything have to die? I mean, on a metaphorical level and not on an evolutionary level where death drives evolution, creating room for offspring more and more capable than the parent of living in specific environments through the recombining of different genes and sometimes through lucky mutations. Darkstar feels like it's a good time to wait and see what Evil Star winds up doing but Detective Mustardstache has a better idea: beat the living crap out of him and maybe kill him if he gives him any fucking excuse at all!

Detective Darkstar gets his ass kicked by the Starlings and Darkstar has to rush in to save him. They then retreat to observe Evil Star.

Every right winger on Twitter who thinks they're the greatest debater since some famous person who could debate well. Napoleon, maybe?

Detective Pork-chops-as-an-appetizer apologizes for getting carried away. Notice how Homeless Mo didn't get carried away and try to kill the perp even though he hasn't had nearly as much training as the cop?

Carla was kidnapped by her ex-client, the guy being used by the aliens to run the Loco drug ring. Kidnapping a lawyer seems like a bad idea. I mean, kidnapping anybody seems like a bad idea but kidnapping a lawyer seems like it would have extra consequences. I used to do cabinet work for my cousin's cousin David. He was a train wreck of a human being but he did good cabinet work. At one point in his life, he had a lawyer working on his DUI case to try to get it dropped and he was juggling his bills. His solution was to bounce a check to the lawyer. I don't know how that all worked out because I tried not to work with him too much (only enough to pay for comic books, really) but I'm assuming his lawyer decided not to argue the charge down and David wound up in jail.

This is the argument of everybody who has ever kept the world from becoming a better place.

Carla refuses to keep working for the mob boss so now he probably has to kill her or else he's facing kidnapping charges which are as bad as murder charges. Which seems like a bit of a mistake, in my opinion. I mean, sure, you want kidnapping to have a steep punishment. But if kidnapping is equal to murder, every kidnapper is just going to murder the person they kidnapped because it does away with the main witness. I guess the point is that people that wouldn't murder won't kidnap either because the penalty is so great. But if somebody is kidnapping somebody and the penalty were only a year in prison, they'd still probably murder that person in the hopes of getting away with it and not having to spend a year in prison.

Darkstar, using his super computer on his ship orbiting Earth, learns that Evil Star's mind shackle that keeps him from turning into Evil Star is on the fritz. So he's occasionally feeling like a genocidal maniac while mostly just feeling scared and guilty about his terrible thoughts. To stop him, Darkstar inundates him with images of all the people he killed on his home planet. I guess Evil Star was the original Lobo, committing planet-wide genocide.

Earlier I mentioned how he laughed while his wife and son died not because I'd read ahead but because, probably like the author of this story, I read the Who's Who entry on Evil Star.

Evil Star collapses from the guilt and Darkstar takes him into custody. He encases the Starlings in scrap metal and, I don't know, sells them at a yard sale. Carla gets extra-kidnapped by the mob boss whose name I probably should have learned four issues in.

Darkstars #4 Rating: B+. This issue was better than the previous three but I can't explain why. Maybe because there was a super villain and most probably not because some cops died and the other cop got harshly reprimanded for immediately resorting to violence. The Darkstar Colos has turned out to be far more diplomatic than I was expecting. I wouldn't have guessed that Hal Jordan was more temperamental than some testicle-headed alien in a 90s costume called Darkstar.

Darkstars #3

Oh, so now I'm supposed to refer to this comic book as "The Darkstars"? I don't think so.

There's an ad for Passenger 57 on the back of this comic book and even though it's been decades since I've seen that movie, I still think it's the worst movie I've ever seen. I should probably rewatch it to make sure my opinion is still valid because since then, I have seen The Boondock Saints. If I remember correctly, in Passenger 57, Wesley Snipes is suffering from PTSD because he got his wife and/or some bystanders killed while trying to be a hero. Later in the movie, he's on a plane that's being hijacked and he gets a bunch of people killed while trying to be a hero. But this time it's different because he wasn't sleeping with them, maybe? That's not the worst part! The worst part is so bad that I must be misremembering it! It's how the plane lands at a fair so that Snipes can chase the bad guy on a Ferris Wheel and then they go back to the plane and it takes off again. That can't be right, can it?!

This issue begins with a great example of 90s art.

Maybe I'm wrong and this is good art because legs are actually that long compared to the torso. I'm not really a pictures critic; I'm a words critic!

I couldn't remember the title of The Boondock Saints so I Googled "terrible movie Saints" and Google was all, "Oh, you mean The Boondock Saints. Here is the IMDB link and a selection of every streaming service that is actually a toilet."

The Lawyer, White, hears a news report that says the jerk she got acquitted was the crime boss behind the Loco drug ring and I can't tell if she's devastated because she really didn't know he was a major criminal or she's devastated that everybody else now knows he was a major criminal. I'm pretty sure it's the second one. And also, she's not that devastated because she's still going to get paid for helping him avoid a murder charge. She'll make a great Darkstar.

The frantic and paranoid guy in space tries to contact some Darkstars for help but they don't listen to his pleas to simply take him at his word and use deadly force on the aliens pursuing him. It makes me think maybe the Darkstars aren't the terrible fascist police I thought they were. They're actually acting rational and diplomatic!

I don't know if that Darkstar has a tiny head because of his alien physiognomy or because of 90s art.

Anyway, the Darkstars are killed because they didn't beat first and ask questions later. I guess this scene was just to get the audience to approve of future uses of excessive force. "The guys who didn't murder the possible criminals were killed! So of course these guys were just defending themselves when they slaughtered that bus full of schoolchildren headed nearly directly at them!"

The space guy shrugs and remembers that there's that green guy from Earth that could possibly help him. So I'm still guessing this guy is Evil Star. You might have wondered why I might guess that last issue. Now that you've seen the cover to this issue, you know why I guessed that.

Darkstar Colos explains to his new sidekicks, Homeless Mo and Detective Beer-and-Pretzels, that he's a member of an Intergalactic police force run by the Controllers. It's not that the Controllers care about a universe full of law and order; it's just that the Controllers don't want crime and poverty leaking into their section of space. So the Darkstars are like increased police patrols in inner city neighborhoods. If you didn't take that for the criticism it was and instead nodded your head thinking, "That makes sense," maybe this isn't the comic book blog for you.

Darkstar Colos extends his offer of sidekicking to his new Earth buddies and it's the best offer I've ever heard. Sure, they have to wear the terrible suits that I probably thought were cool in 1992 but they also get paid once a month in gold! Seriously! I don't think any other heroes get paid! Except for maybe Booster Gold in advertising revenue. I'm assuming they also get palm-masers so at least one of the is going to blow their junk off while jerking it.

Colos gets a call from his commanding officer alerting him to the approach of Evil Star and his Starling robot henchmen to Earth. Since the Green Lanterns were having issues in 1992, it's up to the Darkstars to apprehend Evil Star. They don't realize he has no idea who he is or what's going on and is being chased by his diminutive little robot monsters.

Lawyer Carla White has an attack of morality and quits her job. She acts like she didn't know all the unethical crap their family law firm was doing in defending their clients but I think it's all bullshit. She's just trying to save face after getting caught lying about some criminal piece of shit to reporters the previous day. Getting humiliated like that can sometimes be the best motivation.

Okay fine. She's probably actually a good person but she was just a bit naive. If she was being naive on purpose by simply ignoring it so that she could enjoy her family's money, can you blame her? At least now she's going to always do the right thing which includes never voting Republican again.

The guy who would be Evil Star crashes on Earth. While the Darkstars fight his little robot henchmen, he decides it was better to be a powerful immortal monster with a star on his face than a scared prisoner who once laughed at his wife and son dying of old age. He throws on his stupid star face and gets to work being evil or conquering the world or maybe just being immortal, I guess? I'm not too clear on his motivations.

Darkstars #3 Rating: B. Reading Darkstars has made me appreciate Green Lantern more. This series seems more like a cop procedural on Network television. Too many scenes with lawyers and crime bosses and not enough scenes with magic rings battling aliens. Hopefully that will change next issue now that Evil Star has arrived to really comic book up the plot.

Darkstars #2

Darkstars had adult coloring book covers before it was cool to be an adult who colors.

Funny how we're lots of years of continuity into the DC Universe by 1992 and nobody ever mentioned the Darkstars before now. You'd think Hal Jordan would have, at least once, mumbled, "Fucking Darkstar sons of bitches." But no! Never! At least as far as I know. Maybe Hal talked about the Darkstars all the time! It's not like I ever read more than a few dozen Green Lantern comic books prior to 1992! One of them was the one where Guy Gardner gets fucked up by using Hal's lantern, sent to the Phantom Zone, and later winds up with brain damage.

Speaking of Guy's brain damage, every fucking character in the DC Universe who ever called Guy an arrogant prick was an ableist asshole. The guy was dealing with a traumatic brain injury! And eventually Batman punches him directly in the brain injury causing him to develop a completely different personality and everybody is all, "This is okay because Guy is nice now." What a bunch of fucking assholes!

At the end of the last issue, Detective Chicago-head was thrown out of a window by a huge alien. This issue begins exactly where that one left off which might be surprising to people used to reading comic books by Scott Lobdell. They're probably thinking, "What is linearity?! How do time go?! Is Superboy really a living weapon developed by N.O.W.H.E.R.E? I've only been told that 27 times so who can know for sure?"

I guess in Colos's language, "Whoooa!" means "You catch meaty men like a drunk St. Bernard!"

Detective Ketchup-on-a-hot-dog-is-a-crime-head tells the Darkstar that there's an alien distributing drugs in the warehouse. That leads to another scene with somebody going through a window and Colos mistranslating another exclamation.

The Schoolhouse Rock song, "Interjections," must be like an ancient Middle-English epic to this guy.

Colos sees the Chicago-headed cop begin beating the shit out of one of the warehouse workers and just stares at him. At first I thought, "Oh, Colos is pretty brutal but he's incandescent with rage at the brutality of this cop!" And then the logic gears in my brain suddenly caught some traction and stopped spinning uselessly (they've become stripped from years of trying to rationalize the thoughts of Ayn Rand and C.S. Lewis lovers) which caused me to blink and gasp out loud, "Oh no! He's admiring the brutality!" After that, I was so incensed by the idea that people are still supporting cops after all the brutalities they've committed against protesters protesting police brutality that I went on Facebook and defriended four friends who just seemed like the types of asshole that would find any excuse to defend a cop for murdering a suspect during an arrest. You gotta just despise these jack-offs who demand we wait for all the evidence and maybe a trial before judging the cops because everybody is innocent until proven guilty but they don't fucking give a damn that the cops just killed a person who was innocent until proven guilty and never got a trial.

Now I'm super mad at this comic book! I think all shows about cops should have to draw a new genre out of a hat for their next season. Keep all the same character but now instead of Brooklyn 99 taking place in a police station, have it take place in a library. Or now every NCIS takes place at the mall at a Hot Dog On A Stick. Fuck all cop shows forever.

The number one thought of every cop: "Just let me get my hands on this gun!" Also notice they're friends now that Colos saw how well he brutalizes perps? And also, they're "palm-masers." Whew. That's a lot to take in over just a few panels! Especially the "palm-masers."

That fat guy from the cover of Issue #1? I don't think I really talked about him in the last review. He's a big gangster who was cleared of all charges of gangstering by a hot shot lawyer named White. She's one of those ruthless lawyers who gets the job done no matter how unethical the job is because she's awesome. I mean, that's what people who think they're good at arguing think of themselves. They're awesome! But really they're just selfish assholes that don't care what burns as long as they get big bucks and a ton of prestige. Here's a simple way to know if you're one of these asshole types: if you've ever said, "It's not personal; it's just business." Boom. Asshole.

So far Paul is my favorite character in this comic. If you don't speak up and tell your asshole friends that they're being an asshole, you are also an asshole.

Although some of us aren't great at confrontation so to keep from being an asshole yourself, I'll also accept simply ghosting your asshole friend and passively aggressively shining them off whenever they want to get together. That's what I've been doing with my dad because I don't have the emotional wherewithal to confront him about his terrible politics and shitty jokes without also coming completely unhinged about his near total absence throughout my youth and the problems that caused in mine and my sister's relationship with our mother. Fuck that coward. Even as an adult when he thought he could be friends, he proved to be deficient in his ethics and his compassion.

White pulls all the "Everybody needs a defender!" crap that might be true but she still knows what she's doing is making the world a worse place. And if she doesn't do it, somebody else will, so why shouldn't she get her piece of that pie? Besides, maybe a different defense attorney would be even more evil than she is! They might not do any good at all! Paul winds up apologizing to her because he's not as awesome as I thought he was. But he's still better than everybody else so far, aside from Mo. Mo might be all right. It's too early to tell.

You might be thinking, "If it's too early to tell if you like Mo, how can you hate all of those other characters?" Easy! I start off every comic book hating every fucking character. You can't properly review a comic book if you give every aspect of it the benefit of the doubt like those terrible reviewers at the Weird Science blog! I hesitate to even call them reviewers! They're more like synopsisers who don't understand punctuation.

Meanwhile in space, some guy in a ship is being chased by some other mysterious guys and he's having a full blown paranoia attack. I think he's probably Evil Star.

Back on Earth, Darkstar Colos and his new friends stop the Loco drug ring and save the day. Being a comic book, that one sentence lasts for about ten pages of lasers and stupid one-liners. After the battle, Colos takes his buddies to his ship so they can be there when he tells his boss that he solved the case with their help. The boss is all, "Welp, I guess you're Earth's Darkstar then!" And Colos slaps his hand to his face and everybody laughs as the credits roll.

Darkstars #2 Rating: B. The best thing I can say about this comic book so far is that the protagonists actually stop some crime. That's actually high praise from me because too many superhero comic books simply have the hero defending themselves from bad guys set on hurting the hero. You'd think it wouldn't be that hard to write stories about heroes actually doing good and making the world a better place but I've got over one hundred issues of The New Titans that prove it's actually really difficult!

Darkstars #1

Of all the thousands of comic books I own, this is probably the most 90est of them.

I don't remember too much about this comic book but I'm pretty sure the pitch was this: "Imagine Green Lantern but with more police brutality and drawn by one of those Image boys!" Then four guys in suits dropped their pants and began jerking off into their briefcases full of money.

Just look at this gorgeous artifact of 90s comicdom! A super hero with a testicle for a head, full of gritty, sketched-in shade lines. His fists don't attach to his arms because that kind of perspective is difficult. Better to have flaring blasts of power or big wrist cuffs on their gloves! His thigh is nearly as thick as his chest. There's a huge fat guy that is just drawn in that Kingpin fat guy Tweedle-Dum style because actually drawing obese people isn't something 90s artists practiced. Although I'm not sure how much they practiced actual anatomy either and that didn't stop them from drawing and inventing all sorts of musculature. Anyway, I'm sure I picked up this issue not because the art blew me away but because it was 1992 and there was a "Sensational 1st Issue!" blurb on the cover. It was an investment! And judging conservatively by the fine price of this comic book at Mile High Comics, I've made more than double my money!

This series was written by Michael Jan Friedman whose name first made me think, "Wait. It was written by the Renegade guy?" But that was Michael-Jan Vincent. My next thought was, "Didn't this guy write Babylon 5 too?" But that was J. Michael Straczynski. This is just some guy who wrote a bunch of Star Trek novels. The artist is Larry Stroman whom I didn't recognize by name but judging by this cover, I wasn't surprised to see he worked on X-Factor for awhile.

The issue begins with the testicle-headed Darkstar on space patrol trying to pull over some low level criminals. Why were we all so obsessed with stories about space cops? Not that I was! I just bought this for investment purposes! Besides, I've always been critical of the role the Green Lanterns play in the universe. If they were a space EMT force, I would hardly have any problems with them. But when they're portrayed as space cops trying to keep some kind of intergalactic Guardian law, they just seem like a bunch of fascist dicks. Especially when one of the human Green Lanterns uses lethal force simply because the criminal is non-human. I'm pretty sure that's something that happened and I commented on it in a past review and not just a strawman I made up to justify hating on the Green Lantern Corps. Do I really need rational reasons to hate on space cops? I hope not because I'm really getting excited to hate on the Darkstars!

Aha! So he's a disenfranchised Darkstar who's going to need to be reminded why what he does is important. Or maybe he'll just be a gruff asshole to his young new partner I'm sure he'll be getting soon.

Apparently this Darkstar had a case go bad on some planet called Jenuwyne. So now the job has lost its shine and he's not even sure what he does helps in the slightest. It probably doesn't! Who needs any kind of police force that oversees so many different cultures across such vast distances in space?! How do they keep all the laws straight?! You know they occasionally get confused and beat some guy for not signalling and later find out that signalling is a huge insult to that race. I mean, I get the appeal of a pitch for an adventure comic book about space cops. But ultimately, it seems to just expose the fascism behind forcing people to follow arbitrary modes of behavior. At least in the Star Trek universe, the laws are decided by a federation of civilizations that have willingly joined the community. In Green Lantern (and presumably Darkstars though I admit I don't quite remember what kind of space cops they are), the laws have been decided by a group of little blue men who think they know better than everybody else. I'm pretty sure, with the exception of a few of the adjectives, that describes fascism.

There are three huge differences between the Darkstars and the Green Lanterns. The Green Lanterns are mostly green while the Darkstars are mostly red. The Green Lanterns use a ring on their fingers and the Darkstars use rings on their entire hands. The Green Lanterns create constructs out of emotional light energy while the Darkstars just blast shit with an orange beam that goes "VEEEEEP!" There might be more differences but I'm only on page 3.

I'm not going to cynically decide, on page 5, that Colus is exactly like Hal Jordan. I mean, Hal Jordan's head doesn't look like a testicle so that's one big difference between them.

Now that Colus has cracked the case of the hijacked medicine, he's being put on the next case: investigate Earth! He probably has to look into the concept of "love" and find out why these humans, with all their emotions, are so special.

Meanwhile on Earth, some cop with the head of a typical Chicagoan totally wants to rough up the person he's talking to for information but she's a nun so he's all, "Fuck. Can I get away with that? I can probably get away with it, right? But, I mean, I guess I believe in God and that slim belief is really all that's keeping me from doing whatever the fuck I want. I mean, the law ain't gonna stop me from beating this nun senseless for information. Last I checked, the District Attorney liked the police being cooperative and is smart enough to know that sending a police brutality case to a grand jury would mean a lot of cops are going to suddenly stop helping the District Attorney's win percentage. So I could probably beat this nun but there's that possible God and heaven thing. I guess I just have to let her disrespect me this one time. Just this one fucking time." Then he goes off to intimidate some homeless people because who's going to advocate for them, you know?!

I feel like I remember this Chicago-headed Dallas cop becoming a Darkstar. He's investigating the same case as Darkstar Colos: an alien drug called Loco or Loku being sold on Earth.

Colos arrives on Earth to discover the homeless guy who was intimidated into being an informant to Detective Chicago Head, Mo, trying to save some other homeless people from being attacked by people on Loco. Colos intimidates him into being his Earth informant as well. Hopefully Mo will get his own Darkstars band too.

The Dallas cop raids the warehouse where Mo told him the Loco was being distributed. What he finds is a huge alien creature and a brush with death. Or maybe death since the issue ends with the creature attacking him. But I'm pretty sure the guy becomes a Darkstar himself. I don't think I'd have an image of a Chicago-looking cop with a thick mustache and thicker head in a Darkstars uniform in my head otherwise and I'm not laughing at your perverse alternative reason for it.

Darkstars #1 Rating: B-. It's just a cops in space comic book but more so than Green Lantern. I'm revising my pitch to this: "So if the Green Lanterns are sort of space cops, imagine Green Lanterns that are even more space copier! They'll be so much like cops that they'll hire an Earth cop immediately!" I think this was before John Stewart was known as a marine and Guy Gardner was known as a cop (or son of a cop? I'm so bad at remembering the DC history I should remember. I blame my brain having to react to all the retcons and crises). So having a legitimate cop on the space force would have been a novel idea. Oh, also, it was a mediocre cops in space comic book.