Justice League Quarterly #7 (Summer 1992)

Is the secret that they're all terrible at oral sex?

The price of the Quarterly went up fifty-five cents and the editors at DC thought, "Who wouldn't pay extra? Look at the line-up of stories we've got this quarter: General Old Fart that nobody likes! More boring than Cyborg in his toaster phase in Wolfman's late Titans comic! And lastly: Who?!" I probably didn't realize I was paying extra at the time because I just grabbed the comics I was used to grabbing off the shelf without any thought at all about quality or passion or interest even. Or I saw Ice looking so fucking adorably sexy on this cover and I just grabbed the issue to hide the boner in my pants on the way to the register. Frankly, it's a toss up.

Last issue, Eduardo Barreto spent most of his time ignoring the script so he could draw women in bikinis. This time, he gets to draw women in low cut gowns! Because Ted Kord is going to his 15-Year Class Reunion! Along with Ice, Fire, and Booster even though they didn't go to the same school probably. Ice graduated from Ikea; Fire probably dropped out to help her parents pay rent on their favela; and Booster would be going to his -500-something-year reunion.

This is Eve Lundquist. Voted most likely to cause Eduardo Barreto to jizz in his pants as he drew her. Bad at oral.

For some reason, Ted Kord feels obligated to go to the reunion. I haven't been to a class reunion yet although I'm really considering going to the 40th if I'm still alive and if my best friend from high school agrees to go with me. We'll just sit at the bar drinking. Maybe Merrill George will ask me back to her hotel room to fuck her while her husband watches. Or vice versa. You know which vice versa! Merrill watching!

Ted's two best friends from high school approach and wonder why they haven't seen him in fifteen years. Probably because they weren't really his best friends. If I wind up at a class reunion, the one guy I know will approach me with more excitement and enthusiasm than anybody I've ever met will be Andy Nesmith. And I'll greet him the same way and apologize for any time I was ever a dick to him because I masked so much in high school that I would occasionally say terrible things as I was mirroring other people's behavior. Not a lot! Mostly I was pretty chill and laid back and hiding in the background. But oh to have the energy and the passion of Andy Nesmith! That's one fucker I know took life by the leash, shoved a stiletto heel on its shoulder, and made it suck his toes.

This is Beatriz da Costa. Voted most likely to not have gone to this school. Loves making the "Oops, did I make you come too quickly?" face.

Ice finds the small talk about jobs from people she's never met and will never see again interesting. I don't know if it's because she's nice or because she grew up in a field of ice and snow and more ice and more snow and little gummy fish. She admits she never even went to high school because her people don't call "Ikea" high school. They just call it Ikea! And Beatriz admits she never went to high school either but she doesn't elaborate because this is a fun comic and not a depressing comic about people growing up in poverty. Ted has yet to reveal why he felt obligated to go. Maybe simply because the Justice League Quarterly needed a 30 page story. Any story!

This is Miranda Waitrose. Voted most likely to glue her hands to her head. Bad at oral.

A highly localized earthquake hits the reunion. Uh oh. Does that mean Major Disaster went to Ted's high school? Poorly theorizing that this reunion takes place in Illinois so the earthquake couldn't be an actual earthquake, Booster suggests it must be an attack by a Justice League enemy. Booster immediately assuming that the attack was on the Justice League reflects poorly on the Justice League. If the percentage of times villains attack the Justice League is greater than villains committing crime against the regular populace, you've got to seriously think about giving up the whole League deal. But Fire buys into his logic, flames on in the middle of the room, and flies naked out a window to scout for trouble.

This is Tora Olafsdotter. Voted most likely to stirre at Ild's fitte as hun flyr ut av vinduet. "Oral? You put your mouth WHERE?!?"

Look, we just have to face reality when it slaps its outer labia in our faces: Eduardo Barreto drew Fire's naughty bits and the Comics Code Authority approved it. I always knew they were dirty knobgobblers over at that organization!

Do you think when Fire "flames on" there's a scant moment where her clothes burn off but you can still see all the sexy details of her nakedness before going completely flamey? Just asking for my perverted friend, Doom Bunny.

Fire discovers a massive alien ship over the hotel hosting the reunion. The ship tractor beams up the hotel. I guess one of the Class of '77 was an alien who was terrible at oral sex.

Fire investigates for a few seconds and then reports back to Ted.

"Even I couldn't fuck it, Ted! And you know how I love to fuck! Right? Did you understand my sexy joke? Ted?"

When I'm on a first date, I always spell some ranch dressing on the front of my jeans so later when I jizz in them, I can be all, "That was the ranch dressing, remember?" And my date is all, "Oh, yeah! But it sure smells like Linden trees all of a sudden!" And then I panic and yell, "I didn't come in my pants! You came in my pants!" Later, I never wonder why they don't want to have sex with me. I know why. God do I know why.

This is Maddie Stouffer. Voted most likely to make everybody think about oral. Surprisingly bad at oral.

Turns out that more than one of the Class of '77 were aliens. No wonder they were all bad at oral! In their true alien forms, they probably don't even have a mouth so they're all, "You want me to put the ovipositor in the what now?!" And then they were sexily gagged by their prom date as they searched for their disintegration gun to make it stop. But being 17 or 18, there's really no such thing as bad oral. You just want another person's lips on your pud or pudenda! Just the thought that it's about to happen is enough!

Turns out Ted and his family were the only actual humans in Ted's home town. Now he suddenly realizes why they all stared at him in the shower or why all the girls at his school were so grossed out by him. To them, kissing Ted would have been like Ted kissing a cow. And nobody wants to grope a cow! At least not for sexual reasons. But if Ted did get laid while in high school, does he have to amend the age when he lost his virginity now? You can't count losing your virginity if you lose it to another species. Believe me, I know!

Being that Fire blew her cover immediately, Ted and Michael decide to suit up and expose that they're Blue and Gold, the two worst heroes to discover are your only hope at being saved. Also Ice but she's probably been recruited to keep all the drinks cold for the long journey back to Klaarsh, the alien planet the hotel is being hauled to.

This is Tina Murkowski. Voted most likely to commit a hit and run. Bad at oral.

Beetle calls up Guy Gardner on some kind of interstellar communicator he's been working on and convinces Guy to come rescue them because Ice is flirting with all the male members of the Class of '77 and some of the cuter female ones. Guy gets jealous and horny (due to the former and then the latter) so he'll definitely be heading out to help. Mostly to see Ice kiss some hot thirty-year-old Midwestern women. I should stop writing things like that because then I turn back to the comic book and Ice isn't making out with a hot thirty-year-old Midwestern woman and I become sad and angry and disappointed. Stupid comic books not being written the way I want them to be written.

Guy Gardner arrives with all the other members of the Justice League who want to see Ice put her tongue down the throat of one of Beetle's lady classmates. That would obviously be Ralph, Wally, and Rex. But it also includes Power Girl! I'm intrigued!

Great idea! Pierce the force field so all the oxygen rushes into space and everybody asphyxiates!

Guy and the other Leaguers can't break the force field so Booster, Beetle, Fire, and Ice manage to break a hole in the underside of the ship. They then defeat a small battalion of laser-wielding aliens with fists and ice clubs. Also with some fire and energy bolts. Those probably help a little bit. Or maybe a lot because Blue Beetle realizes he's useless against armed aliens and skulks off to find the Force Field Shut-off Valve. He wanders about thinking, "It could very well not be in the place I'm looking but, oh my God, look! There it is!" He doesn't shut it off because he knows it'll kill his classmates. So using his great Beetle instincts for how to manipulate the alien user interface, he creates a weak place in the field for Guy to break through! But, um, how will Guy know?! How will he see it?!

Look at what?! What are they looking at? I don't see a signal anywhere!

I guess the shooting stars in a forcefield is standard protocol for Justice League members to alert other Justice League members that there's now a weak spot in the force field to exploit. It works like a charm because Guy blasts through it and then Power Girl blasts through the hull of the ship and then all the aliens blast their pants full of space diarrhea (and maybe space jizz because you've seen Power Girl's suit, right?).

Great. I'm starting to sound like Wally the Sex Pest.

I know 40% of my blog posts already sound like they're written by a sex pest. I just don't want to sound like sex pest Wally West specifically. He's so gross with the constant unwanted sexual advances toward Power Girl and also the red hair. I can make that joke because sometimes I roleplay a self-loathing ginger during sex.

Ha ha! That was all a made-up joke! I've never actually had sex!

Does looking at this picture, making a little grunting sound, and feeling intense shame and discomfort from sticky underpants mean I'm not a virgin anymore?!

The Justice League defeat these alien invaders more easily than any other threat they've ever faced in their lives. If I were these aliens, I'd be thoroughly embarrassed by my showing. The Justice League had so little difficulty defeating the alien warriors that they worker through all of their worst one-liners and fighting banter. At one point, Rex is all, "Watch where you're pointing that thing! You want to go and hurt somebody?" And Ice is all, "You tell 'em, Rex!" Rex couldn't even be bothered to come up with new material and Ice couldn't even be bothered to steal old material so she just complimented Rex on his use of the oldest material.

In the end, the hotel gets put back, Beetle promises to not expose the aliens living on Earth, and the aliens promise to not expose that Ted is the Blue Beetle. Not like that was a hard promise for them to keep since they hadn't heard of Blue Beetle before this night. They don't promise to not expose Fire and Ice and Booster's identities though. Although aren't Fire and Ice kind of public already? And nobody wonders why they're always hanging around with those losers, Ted and Mikey? Who just happen to resemble Beetle and Booster? Oh, who am I kidding? Nobody's that interested in Beetle or Booster or the two idiots hanging around hotties Tora and Bea.

The next story is about General Glory so I'm going to invent "sleep reading" now. Just slide this comic book into my pillow case, take a couple of Gabapentin and a shot of whisky, lay my head down, and let's see if this works!

*snrt* *snore* *mutter* "...racist...old...white...bore..." *snrrrk!* *byu byu byu byu*

According to the notes I left in my dream log after my experiment, General Glory gets naked and seduces me in this story. His penis is tattooed red, white, and blue and he's got a Prince Albert that dangles patriotic charms from it, like an apple pie and an AK-47. I was sort of into it except he kept saying racist shit like "Fuck me like a yellow barbarian!" and "White people invented everything!" Declining his personalized twenty-one gun salute caused him to declare some really racist shit that I had to tear out of my dream log and burn lest somebody accuse my brain of having come up with that nonsense.

I guess I should actually attempt to read this shit.

You really don't want to know what General Glory thinks he knows.

Unfortunately, General Glory doesn't get Easy Ridered at the end of that scene. He goes on to wish that Hitler hadn't killed himself which doesn't sound like the greatest thought for a patriotic American to think. But then again, I've seen what people who consider themselves patriotic Americans think these days and maybe "Wishing Hitler hadn't killed himself" is right up at the top of the list, along with "Cops shouldn't be burned in a giant wicker man" and "Minorities are scary!"

I don't know where General Glory is going on his motorcycle but I suspect he doesn't spend a lot of time on it. When he gets to the house he was headed toward, he just lays it down on the lawn like a kid riding his BMX to a friend's house.

Maybe this is just how cool people get off their bikes.

This might be Yellow Fang's mother's house where he lives in the basement doing evil because a bunch of trap doors open up in the lawn and gun-toting ninjas come out and do not shoot General Glory. I think these ninjas spend as much time around guns as General Glory does around motorcycles because don't they know they're supposed to be used at range? These ninjas decide to sneak up on General Glory to get as close as possible, maybe so the bullets really fucking hurt when they hit him. But one of them, the worst ninja ever, steps on a twig and General Glory escapes the ambush! He kicks all of their asses without one bullet being fired. So they're either terrible ninjas or this is all a set up. Which, by the way, it is! That bit was mentioned earlier by Rick Feral, head of B.U.L.W.A.R.K., the American organization that tells General Glory which minority's ass to kick next. They're using General Glory to get Yellow Fang to do their dirty work for them. The only way I can think that plan is meant to work is that if B.U.L.W.A.R.K. wants General Glory dead?

Fang's plan is to shoot down an American satellite, blame it on the Russians, and begin World War III. But that plan doesn't take place for a few weeks. General Glory, attacking Fang, causes Yellow Fang to track and shoot down the satellite as soon as possible. But that was Rick Feral's plan! Fang winds up shooting a Russian satellite down and they don't blame the Americans and start World War III because they're less barbaric than America. Is that the moral of this story? If Fang shoots down an American satellite and blames it on Russia, World War III is certain because America has only one diplomatic move: "Give back worse than we got!" But Russia is all, "Oh, I get it. Yeah, mistakes happen. We can't blame America if Fang blew up our satellite! And we totally trust that America has told us exactly what happened and they had no hand at all in the destruction of our satellite! We're not monsters! You know, we love our children too!"

I just realized that was the mistake in Sting's song! Asking if the Russians love their children too. Because America fucking hates their children. Mostly conservative Americans who only want little conservatives and not individuals and will disown a child at the drop of a gay hat and then change every law they can to make being gay illegal because they think somehow their child will then not be gay and will finally love them (while not being gay)? I think this was a major theme in Heathers where Christian Slater says, "I wonder how he'd feel about a gay son with a pulse?" And then Winona Ryder laughs during the funeral and then she makes eye contact with the "dead gay" son's sister and feels like shit.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah! General Glory fucking sucks!

Shit.

Why do I fucking bother? A Rocket Red story?! Sorry! A Rocket Red "ADVENTURE"! I mean, who the fuck really cares?! Who at DC thinks Rocket Red can carry his own story? Even a lousy eight pager?! He'll walk around being super nice to everybody while getting some colloquialisms and slang wrong.

Except I'm wrong, aren't I? This story takes place in the Spring of 1992! So it was certainly pitched with the idea of viewing the recent fall of the USSR through Dmitri's eyes (meaning through the eyes of an American pretending to be Ukrainian which probably means a lot of sympathy toward capitalism and America). Being that Dmitri is Ukrainian, the perspective falls more towards Ukrainian independence and the anger at any Russians in their midst. The people in Dmitri's hometown drive out the manager of a factory as he is Russian and was a member of the Communist Party before the collapse. Now he just wants to live in the place he's called home for fifteen years but nobody wants him around. Dmitri shows compassion for him but ultimately points out he's going to have to go or they're going to kill him. I guess that was kind of exciting! It would have been more exciting if Dmitri joined in with the townspeople and was all, "You treated your neighbors like shit just because they weren't Russian! You made people work for scraps! You never gave anybody any of the chocolate bars smuggled in from Europe and America! We always heard you playing The Beatles from your house while wearing Levi's while sitting on the porch spitting on Ukrainian culture and heritage!" And then Rocket Red could have ripped his arms off. He could have saved his compassion for the guy's kids since they were born in the village.

What do I know, though? If I knew anything, I'd compare this story from 1992 to what's happening with Russia invading Ukraine now! But to write about that, I'd need to learn some dick jokes in Ukrainian. I should ask my friend Misha for some.

You can tell he's Russian because he's in a suit.

The final story stars Doctor Light (the Japanese scientist and not the pedophile) and Rising Sun. Let me read it to see if there's anything interesting happening here. The editors probably thought, "We need to balance all that Yellow Peril Yellow Fang racist shit out with some good guy Asian stuff! Who do we got? Doctor Light or Katana?"

But first, an advert from 1992 that seems to have reacted to our current times.

Fuck Trump.

Trump's a dumb, mean-spirited piece of shit. And anybody who supports him is either dumber or more mean-spirited and probably both. You don't have permission to read my blog if you support Trump or the GOP. You do not have consent. Reading any more after me revoking my consent means you're stealing, you thief! Go read a blog by ChatGPT! It probably won't call you a prick.

The Rising Sun story was twelve pages of Rising Sun harassing Doctor Light for a date. She finally relents when she discovers he's afraid of the dark like she is but, being a woman, she has to put aside her emotional trauma to take care of him. Like his mother. It's at that point that he meets her kids and she's all, "I guess I have time for three children! Let's go on a date!" And then Rising Sun is kidnapped by Owl-Woman because she, along with Doctor Mist and Jack-o-Lantern, is getting the Global Guardians back together. I guess that's the whole point of Justice League Quarterly. "A place for stories to boring to tell in any other context!"

Justice League Quarterly #7 Rating: What? I may have accidentally rated some of these but that's because I didn't want to bother explaining how I don't rate Annuals or shit like this! Sure, sometimes I do because I can't be bothered to not do it. See, not doing something that I normally do in my reviews takes more effort and explanation than just sticking a stupid letter grade that doesn't even really mean anything. You think I have a system for rating these comic books? No fucking way. Mostly I just go with my gut! The only real system I have is that if Lobo is in the comic book, it gets an A+. That's about it!

Also, why does Rising Sun feel he has to date Doctor Light?! It's because they're both Asian, right? So racist! Oh, wait! It's probably because they both have light powers! Which also seems racist because of the whole Land of the Rising Sun thing! "Hey, what should this Japanese hero's powers be?" "Oh, you know, really good with a sword that sucks souls or time travel by screaming, 'Yatta!'?" "No, no. Light powers! Like the rising sun! And name him Rising Sun! Get it?"

Darkstars #8

Worst homecoming theme ever.

This is the last issue of Darkstars I own. I'm a little bit sad that I own this one because this cover is poo on fire. I suspect that Past Me, much like current me, never looked at the covers of the comics as he bought them. He just saw the title and grabbed the magazine, adding it to the pile to take to the register. Usually when the cashier is ringing up my comics is the first time I'll really look at the covers and I'm not the type of person to grab the cashier's hand as they pick up a comic book to ring it up and yell, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Not so fast! This comic book looks like runny diarrhea! I'm putting it back." No, I'm more the kind of person who notices how awful the comic book looks and simply lets out a nearly inaudible, haunting moan from the deepest part of that part of me my old friend Soy Rakelson would probably call a soul. I just call it the part of my brain that's going to get the skewer first when I finally decide none of this Goddamned pain is worth it anymore.

Look at this fucking terrible cover. This 90s art is the kind of art that was (and often still is) hailed as dynamic by critics and fans who never seem to know the difference between "dynamic" and "posed." This doesn't look like a shot of these idiots having just finished a battle with a mechanical bull. It just looks like they stood in line with their prom photo tickets until they were waved over and told to look at the camera and smile before being hustled off the stage for the next couple's chance at a shitty memory.

It's been a few days since I wrote a comic book review because I've been busy with my other project. I set up an Artificial Intelligence program to come up with new names for Xanth novels. These are some of my favorites:

Centaurs Can't Masturbate
The Boner Tree
Titillating Minors Makes Money
The Word Bosom Fifty Thousand Times in a Row
No Matter How Many Naked Women are Described, Never Mention Their Genitals
Whoops! That Scene Was Too Sexy
In This One, A Dragon Fucks a Duck
The Human Nickelpede
Seriously Though. They Can't Fucking Masturbate!
Seventy Unfunny Puns and Sixteen More That Don't Make Any Sense
This Book is the Merriam-Webster Definition of Chauvinism
Convicting Somebody of Rape is Embarrassing for Both Parties So Maybe Just Forget About It?
Whoops! I Gave a Ten Year Old Female Centaur Huge Boobs. Can We Fix This in Post?
If You've Read Piers Anthony's Other Books and Enjoyed Them, Maybe You'll Like This Book That He Put Way Less Effort Into
Magic Doesn't Recognize Same-Sex Relationships But a Human Can Fuck a Goat and Produce a Mutant Offspring

Oh no! Are they planning on destabilizing a region so they can send in the military and take control of its oil?

Eight issues in and I haven't discussed the Darkstars uniform. Ignore the one on the cover; the artist completely fucked that one up. Just check out the one on the panel scanned above. What's with the piano keys theme? Will we eventually learn that they're powers are tied to music in the same way the Green Lantern power is tied to emotion? Did Grant Morrison ever use the Darkstars in his Multiversity lore as the movers and shakers of the harmony of the spheres which allowed for the different universes vibrating on different musical frequencies? But most importantly: can you play Chopsticks on a Darkstars' chest?

Another great (?) aspect of the Darkstars uniform is the huge arrow pointing at the crotch. Whenever I wear super tight material that hugs my junk and exposes my intimacy, I love to call attention to it. "Hey hey hey! Ladies and Gents! Have you ever wondered exactly what my cock and balls look like? Check it out! Also this isn't vulgar because you're looking at cloth and not my skin even if the cloth hugs every wrinkle and vein. So please stop trying to have me arrested."

It turns out "The American Way" isn't destabilization of countries who have resources that Americans want but don't want to pay for; "The American Way" is advertising jobs for needed positions. Man, that's so boring. And yet, it's the most interesting part of this comic book series so far!

In 1993, what does "some familiarity with computers" mean? That you've used Koala Pad and wasted tons of meat by killing bears on The Oregon Trail?

I know, I know! By 1993, people no longer even remembered Koala Pad and The Oregon Trail. It's just I don't really remember what was big in 1993. AOL Chat and Myst, maybe?

You might also be wondering why Carla is dressed like a lunatic. Turns out, she's taking the Darkstars to a Country Western Bar. Yee haw! I'm pretty sure the first bar I ever went to was a Country Western Bar, The Saddle Rack, in San Jose, California. It was my 21st birthday and we were there because my friend Bob and I had made a pact when we were ten that when we turned 21, we were going to ride a mechanical bull. Bob turned twenty-one 23 days before me and he also remembered that stupid pact for eleven years. I also opened some presents that night and the woman I was dating gave me a Lobo t-shirt.

Geez, we get it, Darkstar. Your entire race was murdered. Don't make us feel guilty about having fun just because your people "used to have fun too."

What a dumb question, Carla! Obviously he knows what music is. He's got a fucking piano painted on his chest.

While Darkstar hits the bar, Homeless Mo hires an office manager and K'lassh destroy's Darkstar's ship in orbit. Also, I should probably stop calling Mo Douglas "Homeless Mo." He lives at the office now!

Ugh! What's with all this political correctness and virtue signalling?! Why can't this old comic book be more like, um, older comic books and just stick to bank robberies and punching bad guys? I mean super villain bad guys bent on taking over the world and not white supremacist bad guys intent on taking over America! I mean, well, you know what I mean! Just have the good guy punch the obviously bad guy who doesn't need to espouse terrible social beliefs that I might also espouse! We know he's bad! Just make him generally bad or you're going to alienate your readership! I know racism is bad! But shoving it down my throat like this just makes me think, "Maybe it's not so bad?"

That previous caption was satirical and not actually my personal feelings. See, the thing about writing is that you can write whatever you can imagine and it doesn't make the thing you've written some secret insight into the truth of the writer. It's just shit that was typed in half a second without any thought at all behind it. Except, I mean, there was a lot of thought behind it. And a lot of that thought was less about Comics Gaters types currently spouting a lot of that kind of garbage and more about comic book fans writing letters to old comics that were saying the same kinds of things twenty and thirty years before it got a stupid "Let's append -gate to another word!" name. Also, it did not take half a second. Mostly because my brain is broken and it took me forever to pull the word "alienate" out of it even though it was the word I wanted to use and I knew the definition and could almost hear the word in my head but my brain was all, "Fuck you. Why should I give you this word you're seeking? You know how many hits of LSD you rammed through me, you careless asshole? Get fucked!"

Darkstar takes an interest in the mechanical bull and is all, "Aw, that doesn't look so tough! Not like this space mechanical bull from this place in space I know!" Some drunk and tough cowjerk hears Darkstar's comments and simply assumes, like I assume he always assumes, that Darkstar is emasculating him with his words.

Beau is the Lobo of the Country Western Bar.

Darkstar decides the best way to calm the situation is to ride the mechanical bull. Beau watches him and yells, "He's the best I've ever seen!" It begins to look like Darkstar's plan is going to work until some other rube tells Beau, "That guy ain't human!" Beau goes full redneck and is all, "Yeah! He ain't! That means I have a duty to try and get him killed!" He then throws the switch on the mechanical bull to "Do Not Attempt This! Dangerous! Why Did We Even Add This Setting?!" Carla cold cocks Beau to help save Darkstar even though he doesn't need help. Wasn't she listening when he told his story about the space mechanical bull in space and how it was way harder than the Earth version? Darkstar breaks the mechanical bull with his crotch and will now have to pay for the damages. It's a good thing he's saved all that gold by firing Flint last issue.

I don't know if it ever happened because this was the last issue of Darkstars I ever read but I hope Beau came back as a villain and called himself Low Beau.

Dammit. Now I want cake.

Carla writes a check to pay for the damages to the bar just as K'lassh arrives. Carla decides to keep her checkbook out.

Darkstars #8 Rating: B+. I don't know if this issue was better than the rest because I knew it was the last issue I was going to read or because it objectively was better. At least I didn't have to suffer through Travis Charest's 90s art. This issue was done by guest penciller Patrick Zircher! Basically that meant it looked like 80s comics which I never mean to defend when I say 90s comics art was terrible. There was a lot of 80s comic art that was fucking awful as well! But it was standard awful! 90s art was unbearable because it was objectively terrible in so many ways (anatomy, asymmetry, overuse of specific tropes) but people proclaimed it the greatest art they had ever seen. I wouldn't have minded so much if everybody was all, "Well, this isn't great but it's different. Let's see what happens with it for awhile!" Anyway, in my world, Darkstar was murdered by K'lassh and there was never another issue.

Darkstars #7

The "A"s in the logo have genitals.

In the 90s, comic book readers accepted that professional artists were now drawing like every kid in the 2nd grade. Not exactly, of course! I wouldn't want to be taken literal by everybody on the Internet who doesn't understand exaggeration and hyperbole. Unless the do understand it but they understand wanting to sound smarter than everybody else on the Internet so much that they can't understand whimsy and mockery. So the figures are drawn better than I could have done in 2nd grade. But I know every single time I drew something in 2nd grade, I'd misjudge perspective and depth. So after drawing the first guy (who I decided was standing in mist because I didn't want to draw his feet in that foreshortened way that feet need to be drawn but which is difficult to pull off), I'd begin drawing the second character. But at some point, I'd realize I'd gotten their proportions wrong and so I'd wind up making them stand in a hole in the ground. Then the third guy would look like he was floating so I'd draw a mound of dirt for him to stand on (and not stand on in the way we would see a person standing on dirt but standing directly on top of the horizontal line that was the top of the mound of dirt). Then I'd think, "Should they be standing in a city or a forest or a battle scene full of corpses?" But that thought would only lead to the thought, "No, that's too much work," and then I'd just sketch some lines for clouds or air movement or something and call it done.

So, you know, just like this. Maybe I should have realized at the time that my 2nd grade style was the popular style because it is the only time I've ever had a work of art hung in a museum (the Triton Museum in Santa Clara)! Fuck, I missed my calling! I could have helped found Image Comics!

This issue begins with an alien wearing a fart collector on his head.

The only reason you haven't seen me on Shark Tank with my Fart Collector is because I know what a fucking scam it is. Sure, you have to pay back loans if your business fails while investor money is free. But if your business is successful, the loan is eventually paid off while the investors stick around sucking off your profits until the day you die.

How do you know if you're good at poetry? Poems are like farts. Most people leave the room in order to avoid yours but they can't get enough of their own.

The fart loving alien is some despot whose people have finally turned against him and hired an assassin to kill him. It's 1993 and Darkstars could sure use a bump in sales with a Lobo guest spot but I'm guessing it won't be Lobo because I'd fucking remember that. The poor despot. He's a terrible ruler who treats a certain segment of his population as not worthy of life and he longs for their love anyway. That's exactly the kind of leader who should be assassinated. I am now winking and nudging you with my elbow.

This is the exact face of every protagonist in every comic during Image's first year in business (except for the ones that were demons from Hell or had one mechanical eye).

Darkstar and Hawkman become best friends and promise to team up again in the future. Then he fucks off to go do whatever Hawkman did in Hawkworld. Fuck if I ever read that. Have I mentioned how much I don't like Hawkman? Or Green Arrow?! Or Hal Jordan? Or Superman? Maybe I should just list the DC heroes I like: Halo and Blue Devil.

The fart-sucking despot faces his assassin and of course it's not Lobo. Judging by the 90s Image look, his name is probably DeathDie or Crushblow or DeadBlast or PunchAbort.

Did all 90s artists design new villains using the same standard template?

The assassin's name is K'lassh. Yeah, two S's instead of two A's. It's an alien tongue. It probably means "He Who Sucks The Entrails Out of a Rabbit's Asshole and Fucks the Corpse."

Now it's time for more art because holy fuck is it terrible. But it's terrible in that exactly specific way that comic book readers were blind to in the 90s. In the 90s, this art was fucking radical, dude.

Part of me gets it. Part of me thinks, "Whoa! That art is fucking dynamic and bad ass!" But that's also the part of me that smells my finger after it breaks through the toilet paper while wiping my ass.

Flint quits his job as deputy Darkstar before Darkstar can even yell at him. Then he's all, "I'm just like you!" And Darkstar flies off thinking, "Yeah! He is just like me! I bet we'll be good friends in a few more issues!" The next issue is the last one I own so I hope I never see that asshole cop again. Sorry to be redundant.

The story of K'lassh killing alien Trump was told so that by the end of this story, when the drug runners bring K'lassh to Earth to battle Darkstar, we, the readers, will be shitting in our pants thinking, "Oh no! That guy is really powerful! Darkstar is in trouble now!" Or we laughed at loud at the stupid costume and name and stopped buying the comic book forever.

Darkstars #7 Rating: C. I think seven issues of any mediocre comic book is just too many to read without another series to break up the space monotony. And I've still got one more! But after this, I'll be done with this box of old comic books! I don't know how long I've been re-reading my old comic books but I think it's been a few years now. And I've just finished the first box. Granted it wasn't a long box or a short box; it was a big old fruit box. So there were a lot of comic books in it! I can't wait to see what comic books await me in the next box I open! But whatever series winds up being in that box, I think I need to alternate titles to keep myself interested. I'll figure it out when I get there.

In the meantime, how about buying my Role Playing Game, Places & Predators? I know Amazon sucks. If you're ideals mean more to you than buying my hilarious and fun game, you can always Venmo $3.00 to GrunionGuy and I'll send you a PDF.

Darkstars #6

Art directors were suffering from some weird brain parasite in the early 90s.

In the 90s, the way you could tell the difference between men and women in comic books was that men's faces were full of lines to express tension and rage and determination while women's faces were smooth blank canvasses to express their beauty and their lack of a nose. No wonder I hardly dated in the 90s. A woman would start flirting with me and I'd think, "Ugh! She's got too much nose!"

People think 90s comic art was all about lots of pouches and big guns. But it was just as equally about lines all over men's faces, gritting teeth, clenched fists, adult women who look no more than fifteen, and characters that had one weird eye because drawing symmetrical eyes is hard.

The issue begins with Darkstar and Homeless Mo flying off to help Flint stop the space sex slave traders. Homeless Mo can tell something's bothering Darkstar because he has even more lines on his face than normal. Homeless Mo says, "You look way more like a male character than usual. Is something bothering you?" And Darkstar is all, "Let me tell you the story of the day everything went wrong and I lost my innocence about the job and I became a cynical bastard who flaunts the rules because the rules can't save anybody!"

Darkstar's origin is that his planet was destroyed by a race raiding it for resources. He was one of the few survivors and was approached by a Darkstar to join the force. He did because what else was left for him? Also maybe he could help some other poor planet. When he finally got his chance to help out, he screwed up and everybody on the planet under his protection died. So now he's bitter and angry and guilt-ridden. But he's still got a job to do so he's going to stop pitying himself and do it. Plus he'll probably need to beat whomever he suspects of doing anything wrong and maybe kill them because playing by the rules just didn't cut it for the people on Jenuwyne.

Zack Morris could be jerking off into Steve Urkel's mouth while the Spice Girls girl powered each other's buttholes and it would be less 90s than this page of art. Not?

Hawkman and Hawkwoman stumbled upon the space sex slave traders when they tried to kidnap a friend of theirs. Apparently she and Carla White are the only two women worth missing on a massive rocket ship filled to the brim with kidnapped women. Also, did Hawkman lose Superman's number? He could have just called him to stop the ship and then...oh wait. Never mind. I forgot Superman is dead. Loser.

Oh man. I'm so sexist. I mean, oh woman. I'm so sexist. I assumed only women were being taken as space sex slaves but there are male humans in shackles aboard the ship too. That seems weird because why kidnap men when you could just tell them, "Hey, you want to have tons of sex with strange and exotic space women?" And then before they heard you mumble "and space men too," they'd have already been shouting, "Yee-haw! I'mma gonna get my dick space wet! Whoopee!" If that reaction doesn't ring true as a universal way of pre-celebrating the coming loss of your virginity, forget I even said it.

Somebody needs explain Earth slang to Colos and also the term "Phrasing!"

Hawkman slips into a hatch on the slaver ship before it closes. Weird to still be closing hatches in the middle of a space launch but since I don't work for NASA or Space X, I can't say if that's all that improbable. I'm sure it's totally fine. Darkstar and his sidekick follow close behind Hawkman but since the hatch is closed, they have to smash through it. That also doesn't interfere with the launch. I'm glad I know nothing about the incredible frictional forces and heat build up produced by launching a large metal ship out of Earth's atmosphere or I might now be stroking my chin and shaking my head while mumbling, "Oh, come on!"

Also it's a fucking comic book so who cares? As long as some people get masered and Hawkwoman shows more ass and cleavage, the audience is going to come back for more.

Hawkman is crying because another man saved his life. On Thanagar, that means you're now Hawkwoman.

That last caption may have sounded like a sexist joke but it was commentary about the hyper-masculinity of Hawkman. He probably also said, "No homo," after being saved and then punched holes in five different walls.

Meanwhile, Hawkwoman and Detective Jamón-Face continue fighting the space sex slavers on Earth.

Here's half of what the audience is clamoring for.

Even Hawkwoman must be tired of Hawkman's toxic masculinity or else why would she call him half-cocked? What an insult!

Darkstar Flint and Hawkwoman stop Pappas and his alien crew. Flint takes off to leave the clean-up to Hawkwoman and the cops. But before he leaves, he shoots his maser at people so the audience can get the other half of what they want out of this book. Is "Darkstars" an anagram of "tits and masers"? Close though, right?

This was the most practiced pose in 90s super hero comics.

What were we fucking smoking in the 90s?! I only say "we" metaphorically; I fucking hated this style of art even back then. There's a reason I don't own Wild C.A.T.S. #1 or any of the other debut Image books. I didn't even pick them up for investment purposes! Don't think I didn't buy my share of crap though! I kept buying The New Titans well past issue #100; it's just that I didn't buy crap simply because everybody was raving about the new kinetic art style by a bunch of young up and coming artists who probably had high school year book quotes like "Why would I study anatomy?" and "Thigh legs are as thick as torsos, right?"

I just discovered, six issues in, that Homeless Mo's name is Douglas. How did I get it so wrong?! That's the most rhetorical of rhetorical questions. I could go back through the issues to see why I thought his name was Mo but that feels like work. Also, I probably just forgot his name and made up Homeless Mo subsequently fooling myself into believing that was his real name.

What the fuck?! Darkstar just called him Douglas in the previous panel!

Well, I guess that solves the mystery. His name must be Mo Douglas and he's homeless. Grandmaster comic book reader?

As Darkstar and Mo and Hawkman break into the slave pen, Carla White rallies the other prisoners to pick up the fallen guards weapons and fight back. They respond by throwing their fists in the air and yelling, "Yeah! We can fight too!" But things don't work out too well for them because they aren't established characters.

If I ever wind up in a battle for my life and I'm killed, please do not chastise me for giving up.

With the help of Carla White, Darkstar, Mo, and Hawkman take control of the slave ship and turn it back towards Earth. Darkstar stares at Carla and begins calculating how much gold he brought with him to see if his budget can afford another deputy. Although judging by the next issue's cover, Carla will just be taking over Detective Flint's job.

Darkstars #6 Rating: B. Was this the type of guest appearances that go us comic book readers so fucking excited back in the day?! Hawkman and Hawkwoman could have been any character at all based on the level of interaction they had with the other characters. I guess all we comic book fans need to be happy is somebody in our favorite character's costume and we'll dish out the cover price of books we'd otherwise not read. On one hand, I think it's poor form for DC to use Hawkman and Hawkwoman so shallowly just to get fans to buy this book. But on the other hand, I hate Hawkman so fuck his fans.

Darkstars #5

What happens when two guys clash, each thinking they're the ultimate authority for good and each believes violence is the best solution to a problem? We'll find out this issue!

I didn't know hawks were angry assholes but I'm assuming Hawkman is the personification of a hawk's personality so it must be true. I also didn't know spiders were mild-mannered. Or guys were misogynist, short-tempered jerk-offs (you know, like Guy Gardner). I've learned a lot from comic books!

I just looked over the cover again and I think it might be on my Top Ten Sexiest Comic Book Covers of All Time. Mostly it's due to the way Detective Crumbstache and Hawkman look like they're furiously trying to jerk each other off and the way Hawkwoman double grips that crossbow the way she'd not have to double grip my cock.

How come I never read Modesty Blaise? It was about two whole things, one of which I really enjoy!

The cover of this issue just got even sexier if you consider the inside advert as part of the cover which I do because look at the way Modesty is sucking off that gun. I bet I was planning on buying Modesty Blaise but then I jerked off over this advert, fell immediately asleep on top of the comic, and woke up later having forgotten all about it. It's the exact same reason I never read Warlord.

Now I want to make this advert into a sign to protest the police. It should really confuse them!

This issue is called "Slaves and Other Prisoners." If one of the "R"s in "prisoners" was a "B", it would be an anagram for pissboner. A better writer probably would have written about the problematic casual use of the word slaves in the American vernacular. "Vernacular" is an anagram for "anal curver."

A couple of aliens have arrived in Earth's orbit to pick up Evil Star and his Starlings and transport them to Galactic Prison. They treat Evil Star like shit and Darkstar is all, "Whoa, my dudes! Chill out, man! Don't make me have to raise my voice! We're all cool here. No need for negative vibes!" Man, I really misjudged Darkstar Colos when I began reading this comic book. He's actually a decent cop. But then again, his story is the exact story of any cop that tries to be decent in a corrupt system that fetishizes violence, power, and respect. He's been shoved off to a backwater planet that's so far out of the Controller's sphere of influence that they've already questioned the leader of the Darkstars as to the need for space cops so far afield. Colos was trouble and he was acting better than the other cops so he got sent off to where he can't cause any problems. Weird to think that the phrase "can't cause any problems" in police lingo actually means "improves the system and works toward justice and accountability."

Detective Chicago-head gets put on the Carla White kidnapping case. The cops don't actually know she's been kidnapped but they suspect Pappas, the Loco kingpin, took her against her will. But Detective Two-Sausages-One-Bun pretends he's been on a drinking jag and isn't in his right mind to lead a raid on Pappas's warehouse. That's because he wants to raid the place himself in his Darkstars Sidekick outfit. Once again, he's proving that he's a terrible cop (aka a status quo, regular, run-of-the-mill police).

Detective Two-Sizes-Too-Big-Head had better hurry with the rescue mission because Carla White is currently being sold into the space sex slave trade. I was going to make a joke earlier about her being sold into the alien sex slave trade but then I thought better of it, realizing that just putting "space" in front of "sex slave trade" didn't rise to an appropriate level of satire that would justify making light of sex slavery. I did add the word "space" to sex slave trade at the beginning of this paragraph but it wasn't for a joke; it was just stating the facts of this comic book. Look, we all read the title! We all knew where this story was headed but I wasn't brave enough to broach the subject earlier. I just said that stupid thing about an nearly correct anagram and moved on.

Oh, by the way, when Carla White hears she's going to be sold into sex slavery, she's all, "I'm not going to be the property of some Middle East sheikh!" Seems a little racist to me. I bet she felt dumb (and racist) when she found out she was being sold to aliens and not Arabs.

Is this why conservatives don't have any morals or ethics? Because they think if they acted on those things, they'd get sold into the space sex slave trade?

Since I've added "space" to the phrase "sex slave trade," I can probably call it hyperbole and satire when I write something like, "Boy! I sure wish all conservatives would get sold into the space sex slave trade!"

Actually, yes, Detective Mustached-Rumproast, that's exactly what you were supposed to do.

It's not the cop's job to become judge and jury because they don't trust the judge and jury will do their job. If that's why cops kill people then I think it means citizens are allowed to kill cops if we don't believe they'll do their job? Am I using logic correctly? I'm just a stupid libturd so I wouldn't know logic if it constantly @ed me on Twitter demanding that I debate it.

Flint (that's the name of Detective Sausage-fingers. I learned his name because I've run out of different types of meat to compare his fat head to) breaks into Pappas's space sex slave trade warehouse where the ship is nearly fully loaded with slaves for space sex. But instead of battling the space sex slave traders and saving the day, he starts a fight with Hawkman and Hawkwoman. Where rock has this guy's pink, salty ham-head been stuck under his entire life? He doesn't recognize the good heroes of the DC Universe?!

I wonder if Stan Lee had ever considered a law suit against every comic book that had two different heroes mistakenly battle each other before they realized their error and teamed up? It's so recognizably a Marvel idea that I would have awarded Stan Lee all the money. Unless the idea is actually from The Bible? I mean Cain and Abel almost pulled that trick except Abel just wound up being too much of a loser to survive to the team up part.

During the confusion of the violent good guys fighting the other violent good guys, the rocket with the space sex slaves takes off. Hopefully Hawkman and Detective Flint will learn a lesson from this incident. Maybe suss out the situation before beating everybody you see to a bloody pulp.

Darkstars #5 Rating: B. The Hawklovers were only in this issue for a couple of pages which is fine by me but probably not ideal for all the Hawklover fans who purchased this book because they were on the cover. I'm sure the next issue will feature more Hawklover action. I'm also sort of hoping that Carla White has now been launched into space and won't be rescued. She'll just turn up in a spin-off series called Space Sex Slave Traders. Obviously that never happened but now that I put the idea out there, maybe it did happen in another, better, sexier timeline.

Darkstars #4

Hey hey! It's the Nineties!

I sometimes wonder how people into fashion and fashion history can look at some item of clothing and know exactly when it was created. Same with experts on music and visual art and poetry. But then I realize that even though I'm hardly an expert, I could probably do a fairly decent job of looking at comic book art and guessing what era it was from. I'm sure if I studied a bit, I'd be excellent at it considering I've done so much pre-course work due to my comic book hobby. The only really difficult part would be guessing art from artists who have really long careers and their style doesn't change a great deal. Like maybe somebody like Curt Swan, you'd be able to guess when he started and maybe a decade or so after as his form improved. But at some point, Curt Swan is just fucking Curt Swan for, like, decades! So I'd probably be terrible at recognizing the minutia that would be the fingerprint of the decade he was working in at the time.

What I'm saying is, "This cover looks like if The 90s ate some bad oysters and wound up shitting and vomiting at the same time but got caught in the rotation so neither The 90s mouth or butthole were facing the toilet and the sick just sprayed out of both ends and landed on the cover of Darkstars #4." And that was one of my less tortured metaphors!

According to this cover, somebody is still trying to make "The Darkstars" happen. According to next issue's cover, it didn't happen. I knew I was on the right side of history when I refused to use the article!

This is the title of this issue:

Imagine how much more exciting George Lucas's movie franchise would have been had he chosen to put an exclamation point at the end of the title. What a tragic loss!

I want my legacy to be, "He wrote a thing that was as good as Lucille Bluth's 'Here's some money. Go see a Star War.'"

Evil Star begins destroying a city because he's evil. The star part of his name must be vestigial because he doesn't act like a star. Unless he doesn't mean the astronomical star but the Hollywood star. I guess the tantrum he's throwing because Green Lantern hasn't welcomed him to Earth is quite star-like. I take it back about the "Star" being vestigial but mostly because I was probably using vestigial wrong. And if I was, just know I was using it metaphorically which means you can't criticize me for using it wrong.

Evil Star calls Green Lantern "the green coward." In the last three issues, no character has actually said "Green Lantern." It's like when a star on a game show is from a show on another network, they don't mention the network because it's their rival. Although they do sometimes. I think it was probably a certain time where nobody would mention the competitors. Probably the 80s. And since I don't know as much as I thought I knew before I started typing this crap, maybe I should have stuck with the analogy of how Marvel and DC always refer to each other as "the competitor." Unless it's another word that's a synonym for competitor. See, I don't know much about that either!

The Eee! Tess Ate Chai Guarantee: "I might sound like I know everything but I'll readily admit to you when I absolutely know nothing (but only if called on it and can't deflect the accusation)."

Some cops pull up to stop Evil Star and one cop is all, "I'll show you power, jerko!" And the other cop is all, "No, don't!" Not because he's against lethal force but because he realizes Evil Star has even more lethaler force, a lesson the cop learns for himself rather quickly.

I'm not saying I cheered at this panel because that would open me up to a bunch of criticism from online jerks who don't understand fiction, satire, or hyperbole.

So with the cops dead, it's up to Darkstar and his sidekicks (one of which is a cop) to stop Evil Star! Unless Green Lantern suddenly appears but I think he's not allowed to show his face in this comic book and/or he's busy becoming Parallax.

So there's this big comic book fight and it's a lot like every other comic book fight you've ever read. Which really makes you wonder why some comic book fans only want to read comic books where there are big fights. Why would you want to read the same thing over and over again?! Some people just like to look at the different outfits, I guess. Anyway, I'm not going to describe the fight blow-by-blow. Y'all know how these things work! The good guys get beat up for awhile and maybe defeated after which the bad guy flees instead of killing them. Or the good guys get beat up for awhile before digging deep and defeating the bad guy. It all depends on how many issues the story is set to run. And since I think this story is over this issue, the fight will be of the latter sort.

I'm not saying, after looking at this panel, I subsequently wrote a fan-fic story that went into way too much detail describing Colos's cock and how Detective Beer-Guzzles' mustache felt rubbing against the thick, pink skin because that would open me up to a bunch of fan-fic writers who would try to befriend me so we could swap dirty stories.

Meanwhile, Carla White learns that you can't quit family. Or mob bosses.

He's from America. Another thing you learn in America: if somebody doesn't respond to you being polite, you have every right to become a violent asshole. It's the major defense on Judge Judy. "Yes, your Honor, I smashed up her car. But she wouldn't move it when I asked her politely to move it for no reason at all except that I wanted to park there!"

Evil Star retreats to a junk yard to engage in an existential crisis. Why is he evil? Why does he do bad things? Why does everything have to die? I mean, on a metaphorical level and not on an evolutionary level where death drives evolution, creating room for offspring more and more capable than the parent of living in specific environments through the recombining of different genes and sometimes through lucky mutations. Darkstar feels like it's a good time to wait and see what Evil Star winds up doing but Detective Mustardstache has a better idea: beat the living crap out of him and maybe kill him if he gives him any fucking excuse at all!

Detective Darkstar gets his ass kicked by the Starlings and Darkstar has to rush in to save him. They then retreat to observe Evil Star.

Every right winger on Twitter who thinks they're the greatest debater since some famous person who could debate well. Napoleon, maybe?

Detective Pork-chops-as-an-appetizer apologizes for getting carried away. Notice how Homeless Mo didn't get carried away and try to kill the perp even though he hasn't had nearly as much training as the cop?

Carla was kidnapped by her ex-client, the guy being used by the aliens to run the Loco drug ring. Kidnapping a lawyer seems like a bad idea. I mean, kidnapping anybody seems like a bad idea but kidnapping a lawyer seems like it would have extra consequences. I used to do cabinet work for my cousin's cousin David. He was a train wreck of a human being but he did good cabinet work. At one point in his life, he had a lawyer working on his DUI case to try to get it dropped and he was juggling his bills. His solution was to bounce a check to the lawyer. I don't know how that all worked out because I tried not to work with him too much (only enough to pay for comic books, really) but I'm assuming his lawyer decided not to argue the charge down and David wound up in jail.

This is the argument of everybody who has ever kept the world from becoming a better place.

Carla refuses to keep working for the mob boss so now he probably has to kill her or else he's facing kidnapping charges which are as bad as murder charges. Which seems like a bit of a mistake, in my opinion. I mean, sure, you want kidnapping to have a steep punishment. But if kidnapping is equal to murder, every kidnapper is just going to murder the person they kidnapped because it does away with the main witness. I guess the point is that people that wouldn't murder won't kidnap either because the penalty is so great. But if somebody is kidnapping somebody and the penalty were only a year in prison, they'd still probably murder that person in the hopes of getting away with it and not having to spend a year in prison.

Darkstar, using his super computer on his ship orbiting Earth, learns that Evil Star's mind shackle that keeps him from turning into Evil Star is on the fritz. So he's occasionally feeling like a genocidal maniac while mostly just feeling scared and guilty about his terrible thoughts. To stop him, Darkstar inundates him with images of all the people he killed on his home planet. I guess Evil Star was the original Lobo, committing planet-wide genocide.

Earlier I mentioned how he laughed while his wife and son died not because I'd read ahead but because, probably like the author of this story, I read the Who's Who entry on Evil Star.

Evil Star collapses from the guilt and Darkstar takes him into custody. He encases the Starlings in scrap metal and, I don't know, sells them at a yard sale. Carla gets extra-kidnapped by the mob boss whose name I probably should have learned four issues in.

Darkstars #4 Rating: B+. This issue was better than the previous three but I can't explain why. Maybe because there was a super villain and most probably not because some cops died and the other cop got harshly reprimanded for immediately resorting to violence. The Darkstar Colos has turned out to be far more diplomatic than I was expecting. I wouldn't have guessed that Hal Jordan was more temperamental than some testicle-headed alien in a 90s costume called Darkstar.