The New Mutants #92 (August 1990)

If the ending isn't "The Green Goblin turned them into action figures and posed them idiotically", then the ending hasn't been given away at all.

I bought this issue for $1 at a garage sale simply for the Rob Liefeld cover. If you ask me if I bought it ironically, I'll say, "I don't know?" Yes, the art is terrible but there was a certain strain of reader, possibly twelve years old and male, who couldn't get enough of this terrible shit and the major comic book companies of the day decided they were the market to sell to. That doesn't mean that other gendered and older people also didn't fall for this shit because once it was plastered on every comic book cover and every comic book fan seemed to be excited about it (unless they were excited about it because it seemed like everybody else was excited about it), this art became The Emperor's New Clothes of its time. But is buying a comic book for a cover with terrible art which I hate it ironic? I don't think so. It's not like I'm making it my entire personality and hanging it on my walls and inviting people over for wine and Goldfish just so I can point at it and say, "It's so awful. Don't you just love it?!"

I never fell for the shit art extravaganza of the '90s so I don't own nearly enough comic books that make my stomach hurt and my brain ache. That's only become a real disappointment in my life when I started doing comic book reviews and I realized how awful I was as a person because I loved writing things like, "I wish Rob Liefeld's mother had locked him in the basement and glued spoons over his eyes," or "Why couldn't Rob Liefeld have had more bullies growing up who threatened to kick his ass every time he drew something?" Although life being the way life is, I suspect if I could change time to have any of my terrible wishes have happened to Liefeld while he was growing up, they'd just wind up being the reasons why he's so bad at drawing. "This cover is amazing for a kid who tore his own eyeballs out when he rebelled against his mom's punishment of gluing spoons over them!" Or "It's inspirational how he kept at his art even though he could never finish a drawing without being beaten to shit and he got so little practice with his arms in casts all the time!" Stupid time and consequences and fate and destiny. I hate them all for not helping me find a way to stop Rob Liefeld.

Before I truly sink my edgelordy fangs into this cover and all of its problems, let's take a look back to September, 2011, when time-tested Rob Liefeld was doing art for The New 52's Hawk and Dove. In my review of that comic book, I noted how Jim Lee and Rob Liefeld basically had the same style when they started but over the years Lee has improved his art immensely. I pointed out that Rob Liefeld was content to remain at the same level. In the review, I posted this picture and this caption:

If I owned any old Liefeld comics (I don't), I could probably find a panel from 1993 that looks exactly like this picture.

Well, I didn't find a panel that looks like that picture but doesn't that guy in the vest and headband look remarkably similar? Has 2011 me been vindicated in his hatred and mean-spiritedness? I leave you, the reader, to decide. But also yes.

Okay, back to the cover! I wonder if Rob Liefeld sent in this cover that, I suppose, exposes that the Green Goblin is behind the Carnival of Death and editorial was all, "Hey, Rob? You know that was a surprise for the end, right? Why'd you put it on the cover?" And Rob was all, "Oh, sorry. You want to pay me to do a new cover?" And Marvel was all, "No, you know what? We can work with this garbage. Thanks."

Rob was probably pissed when he found out he wasn't supposed to put the Green Goblin on the cover because that was the hardest part of the cover for him. Rob hates trying to draw actual eyes on a face because he just can't get the symmetry right. Look at the Goblin. It's not bad but you can see the struggle in keeping the eyes symmetrical. Goblin's got a bit of that Shannon Doherty thing going on although to be fair to Rob, Goblin's eyes are more symmetrical than Shannon's were (rest in peace, my Heathers queen!). Notice all the other characters either have glasses on or squinty eyes. I'm ignoring the stretchy scarecrow thing.

Based on the two characters on the bottom right of the cover, Rob Liefeld's characters must get kicked in the crotch all the fucking time. Why does he draw them straddled so often? To try and disguise that he can't keep their proportions right and that their legs are nearly two times longer than they should be? Or is just part of the "dynamic style" that terrible and super wrong comic book reviewers crow about when they express their love of this '90s style?

Lastly: does the Green Goblin always have chin testicles?

I don't even know if that's the Green Goblin! But I guess I'll find out when I get to the end of the issue!

Cable set the Danger Room to its highest setting: Clown.

Wolfsbane freaks out because the clown reminds her of another time she visited the circus. In her Irish or Scottish accent, she's all, "Yo, how'z about a trigger warning next time, hunh?" And Cable is all, "That was a test of your psychological readiness, you Gen X pussy!" And Wolfsbane is all, "You fucking Boomer from the future!" Then the Danger Room is all, "Please stop engaging in Clique Maintenance (Reference: Generation X by Douglas Coupland). We are ready for the flashback, the ending of which Rob Liefeld spoiled on the cover (Reference: The New Mutants #92 by ERROR ERROR REALITY CANNOT BE A REFERENCE)."

I mean, sure, reality can and often is a reference. It's the main reference! Except that most people don't know any reality references because they're so caught up in their own narcissism that they can't be bothered to understand how history forgotten is history repeated because they don't even know enough to know that that's a well-known aphorism (stated differently but not as poetically). This isn't a new aspect of humanity! I'm not participating in Clique Maintenance and accusing younger generations of this. Every generation has scads and scads of these self-referential knobheads. It's one of the things that made Seinfeld so great. It highlighted a group of people so self-involved that they couldn't think past their own petty problems and desires. It's why they're fucking punished in the finale because they were such awful people. And even when punished, they're still moaning about the pettiest of issues. Also it's really funny! I think some can't watch a show with terrible characters without it completely ruining the experience so they'll question why people like the show. I get it. But if you don't like Seinfeld because all of the characters are terrible people, don't fucking tell me that you love Mad Men!

Now the Internet is going to jump to the conclusion that I don't like Mad Men but I don't care. Fuck people with 6th grade reading comprehension (and by people, I mean native speakers of English (which is to say that I don't think only native speakers of English are people but that the "people" I was referencing when I called them the "Internet" and that they should get fucked are native speakers of English because everybody else is off the hook for not easily comprehending my rambling bullshit).

Who's that person that said that thing about less is more? Was that Shakespeare? I should go back in time and sew his mouth shut and break his fingers and tell him if he ever writes another word, I'll be back to plant some carrots in his backside. I don't mind losing all of his plays and sonnets if we also lose that whole idea that the worst are full of passionate intensity while the best lack all conviction. Oh shit. Yeah, I'll have to threaten Yeats too.

Plus, if Shakespeare didn't say anything of the sort, being that he wrote thousands of words and was the ChatGPT of his era, well, um . . . Oops?

While I'm on my little time travel trip, I think I'll stop by Mary Shelley while she's on vacation to seduce her so she doesn't have time to write Frankenstein just so I never again have to hear or read somebody respond, "Actually, the monster's creator's name was Frankenstein." Worth it.

After reading Percy Bysshe Shelley's Wikipedia page to see if I could be man enough to steal his girl for the weekend, I've decided to completely scrap the time travel idea because holy fucking shit that guy's life sounds exhausting! Constant debt, running from the law due to the debts, sexual liaisons with women and teenaged girls, women committing suicide over him, and children everywhere. Maury Povich would have had a field day with this guy. What's even more exhausting, I imagine, is that every romantic poet lived the same kind of life. I mean Byron basically kicked Percy, Mary, and Mary's sister Claire out of the Geneva vacation home because he found out he'd impregnated Claire and was all, "This is too much drama for me! Begone!" The fucking nerve, man!

Although the worst part of Percy Bysshe Shelley existing is that I had to read Prometheus Unbound in high school! Hey, I never claimed to not be one of those Seinfeldian Narcissists!

I didn't know Josie and the Pussycats were mutants.

You can tell how interested I am in this comic book by the amount of time I spend in the tangents. I never read The New Mutants or any of the X-titles. I think I read my friend Phil's copies of the Wolverine and Kitty Pryde mini-series in 8th grade and that's about it.

The lion roams free in this circus because all of the wild animals are allowed to roam free. Because they're all tamed by Sebastian the Tame Master or whatever.

What kind of non-Encyclopedia-Britannica owning idiots wrote this comic book?! Tigers can't purr!

I love pointing out irrelevant mistakes to feel smarter than people who made their livings doing what they loved! I'm such a bitter piece of shit!

You can tell that Sebastian is the greatest tamer of wild animals in the world because even the elephant and the mouse — known enemies — get along! It's also possible Sebastian isn't any good at taming anything and these creatures are all shapeshifters and maybe that's why the tiger is purring. I should be upset at the idiot changeling playing the tiger rather than the writer and artist! Maybe it's a plot point and a clue that Josie and the Pussycats will notice, realizing things aren't as they seem.

The tiger informs Sebastian that these kids are mutants. So he tells the clown and the clown is all, "Well, I guess we have to kill them!" So typical day at the circus, really.

The kids get tricked into playing a rigged carnival game just like I got tricked into thinking Boom Boom actually had cat ears. It took me ten pages to realize she was wearing a big dumb bow on her head. Boom Boom uses her powers to beat the rigged game and win Wolfsbane a teddy bear that's been soaked in pheromones that make her desperate to fuck it.

Back to using Wikipedia as a reference, I just want to acknowledge that I already knew all the big moments in Percy's life: the shit he wrote, being with Mary and Byron and Claire in Geneva, drowning in Italy. That's the important stuff to retain for somebody who barely retains details. But that's why I like Wikipedia. It answers questions like, "How hot was Percy? Could I have wooed Mary away from him even with Byron in the same room and also never mind the age difference because this is theoretical?" And then when I go to find out, Wikipedia is all, "This guy's life was a train wreck simply because he was an atheist and a vegetarian in the 19th Century. Plus he couldn't keep his dick in his pants." It's a great place to find out really cool stuff about people you only know very little about. Like if you were all, "I wonder who actually penned the preamble of the Constitution?" and the next thing you know, you're all, "One of the guys who wrote the preamble died because he shoved a whalebone up his penis? America rules!"

The bear makes Wolfsbane sick so the gang head over to the first aid station. Most of them ditch her to go ride some rides but the no-shirt guy with a vest stays behind to poorly keep an eye on her.

It turns out the cover didn't spoil the ending for me because I don't readily recognize Skrulls! Now I get why Liefeld ruined the ending! What a fucking dope!

I'm sorry that all you Marvel-heads had to read this far into this review screaming at me about how that wasn't the Green Goblin and how fucking stupid I was and how could any serious comic reader not recognize a fucking Skrull. Seriously, I'm sorry! I'm fucking sorry that Marvel didn't have the imagination to make the Green Goblin and Skrulls look different in any way at all!

Seriously? It's just the fucking testicles on the chin that make the difference, right? And for all I know, that was just Liefeld fucking up the art!

A major battle between the Skrulls who can't shapechange because of the "disaster" and Wolfsbane and her crew. At this point, it's revealed that the animals aren't tame at all because they're Skrulls stuck in animal forms. Which means I should apologize to the creators for accusing them of fucking up the purring tiger. But instead, I'll take this time to congratulate myself for understanding that criticizing a text because you don't have all the information is always the wrong way to go and for including the bit about the tiger maybe being a shapechanger who doesn't know that tigers don't purr. Good job, me. This is the only reason I'm smarter than say, um, 40% of the population. Because I don't dig in and accuse writers of the seeming errors they make in a text. I allow for the idea that there could be an in-story reason for what seems like a mistake. The biggest issue with young people on tumblr trying to deconstruct texts is that they see what they believe as some kind of social injustice and jump all over it and stand their ground no matter how many people try to explain to them that they got it wrong. I'm only picking on young people on tumblr because they're the ones I lived among for so long, like Tarzan in with the apes. Neither of those characterizations (me as Tarzan and tumblrites as apes) are meant to be judgmental! It was just a silly description of how out of place I felt on tumblr. Most old people can't deconstruct things worth a shit either. More so, even, because they'll blatantly disregard any evidence of any subtext in every piece of historical readings. Like how many people in my demographic (Gen X, white, probably male, mostly heterosexual) are the worst people in the world and don't believe in systemic racism even though every single terrible thing about America has its foundation in white people not wanting Black people in their spaces?

Anyway, I was wrong but then I was more right than I was wrong so I'm a terrific fella with the big brain (when it comes to reading comprehension). Or maybe I should just stay in my terrible demographic lane and stick to my guns like an old white guy normally would?

Stupid fucking writers. Don't they know lions can't speak English?

The story ends with the cops arriving and the Skrull claiming, "We're not soldiers! We're slavers! Let's get the fuck out of here!" Bunch of cowards! They were willing to beat up on some kids but one murder happy cop shows up and they flee to another world. Although in their haste, they manage to leave the mouse-shaped Skrull behind for future trouble. And that's the end of Wolfsbane's flashback as she explains to Cable why she hates clowns so much. She's all, "There should be clown-free spaces in this world!" And Cable is all, "Sadly, the world does not conform to your idea of clown-free spaces." And Wolfsbane is all, "Maybe some day! If we keep hoping and fighting, we can make the world free from clowns!" Then there's a final Rob Liefeld drawing that's surprisingly better than most.

Did he get an adult's help with this one?

My only guess is that this is what Liefeld can do when he doesn't have a deadline? Or what he can do when he actually puts some care in his work? Sure, all the guys are asleep on their feet because it's too hard to do two symmetrical open eyes. And, yeah, the kneeling blonde is smuggling an ass in her pant leg. And maybe Cable's legs are a bit too long in comparison with his torso but at least they're not two or three times too long. This is actually a really good group photo by Liefeld which I'm absolutely not used to because his group shit usually looks like the front cover, "dynamic" and full of terrible body proportions and chin testicles. Actually, I don't think chin testicles are a usual Liefeld error. But they should be!

The New Mutants #92 Rating: ?. Look, I can't rate this comic book. I know nothing about The New Mutants or the characterization of any of them. The story was fine with a nice twist that wasn't spoiled for me by the cover because I forgot about the Skrulls and because Marvel decided Skrulls should look exactly like the Green Goblin. I do have one question that's been bothering me: Was Boom Boom named for her mutant power or her tits?

Grifter #0

Can this poorly sketched cover be blamed on editorial as well, Liefeld?

Besides Liefeld's guns barely looking like guns, his guns (and swords!) are the only weapons in the New 52 that have grips like the one above in Grifter's right hand. "Fuck drawing fingers! Look at how badly I fucked them up in the left hand! I'll just draw a grip to cover the right hand!" At least Liefeld didn't have to spend time on Grifter's face. He just drew a tube with hair coming out of it.

And to have something nice to say about Liefeld's art here, if it wasn't for the awful depiction of the hands and the weapons, I would chalk everything else up to being stylized. And I wouldn't have a problem with it! But that's the difference between stylized art and the art of someone who really just can't draw very well. Also, if this were drawn on the book cover of a classmate's algebra book during a class instead of commissioned art appearing on the cover of a professional comic book, I might say, "Fuck, dude. That's pretty good! With some serious practice, you could become a pro!"

Oh, and this issue of Grifter is drawn by an artist that Liefeld thinks does horrible work! Holy fuck, what is Rob trying to do? Tear a hole in reality? But I think because Liefeld tweeted how he felt about Scott Clark's art (and then subsequently deleted that tweet), Scott Clark isn't really trying very hard this issue.

Okay, so Grifter had that stupid mask a full year before he actually had that stupid mask? Or was I completely mistaken about how he got it? Was he wearing it regularly before he was infused with Daemonite DNA? Why? The mask was supposed to be a symbol of the face that the Daemonites should fear. Should I just chalk this up to Liefeld not giving a shit about the history of any character he writes? And by history, I mean New 52 new history and not the Preboot history of Grifter.

The next two pages are simply one full panel shot of this same scene but in profile. Fuck, Clark really, really doesn't care about this story.

Apparently Grifter is on Team 7 business right now. Because two years ago he was a member of Team 7 and not a con man. I have a feeling Cole Cash's history is going to just be a pile of random bullshit now. Good thing I don't give a fuck about him.

Grifter is also confused by this scene since his brother Max and some guy named Lynch shouldn't be the ones with him.

I don't know where I read it now but someone suggested to Liefeld his Hawkman story (in Issue #0?) should be a dream and he said he believed the fans deserved better than a story like that. But he's going to go the dream route in Grifter? Do Grifter fans not deserve any better? Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions here.

Here's the dream conversation which I decided to actually look up:

Ann Nocenti, God bless her, read my Hawkman #0 and suggested that it be a dream, uncertain, something we could drag out… I said NO, the readers deserve clarity and certainty, a reward for their investment of the last 6 months.

So technically, Grifter fans don't deserve clarity and certainty if this issue ends up being a dream.

If I never read another Liefeld written comic book, I'll never read another Liefeld comic book. Ha ha! Surprise tautology!

So Grifter was a member of Team 7. Does that mean the Team 7 comic will be telling stories from the past since all the members have moved on to other assignments? And what happened to Grifter after he left Team 7? Why did he become a conman? Why did the government want him killed after the plane incident from issue #1? If I didn't hate this comic book so much, I'd probably reread it to point out that Cole Cash as a member of Team 7 two years ago doesn't make any sense. I think that's what DC's editors are relying on.

Oh, I forgot to talk about the panel above! Really, Liefeld? A New Coke joke? I think his pop culture knowledge stopped developing at the same age as his drawing ability stopped developing. I only wish that a super hero or covert team went on missions that meant nothing more than corporate espionage. The main problem is that every fucking story arc does revolve around the world about to end. It's as if comics escalated to a point where every story has to be the next Crisis on Infinite Earths and the writers have no idea how to deescalate this shit and still provide tension in a story. Tension in comics now is only derived from the knowledge that the Earth will explode if the hero doesn't do his job.

Having lived through it, I can actually see the importance and feel the tension of a story that revolved around a black ops team trying to steal the formula for new Coke so that it never happens. Not that I cared much being a Dr. Pepper fan. But my dad fucking stockpiled cases of the old formula. Shades of his reaction to Y2K, I guess!

Okay. It turns out it's a simulation and not a dream. I was really worried about that Team 7 nonsense that made no sense!

And maybe Liefeld was paying attention to the earlier story and he's actually trying to make it make sense since it didn't make any!

Although just mentioning the seventeen days Grifter was missing doesn't automatically clear anything up. What reset? What programming? What's going on? Good thing the comic book isn't over yet.

So these humans are not humans at all. They are Daemonites trying to program him, splice his DNA, and build him into a weapon against Helspont. So this entire comic book is about the seventeen days he went missing as he was turned into a Super Hero. The Team 7 memories must be from many years previous to Grifter being caught by the Daemonites though. I guess the Team 7 comic book is going to be stories from The New 52's past.

Inside Grifter's mind, a hooded man named Warwick keeps appearing to help him fight the Daemonite programming. This must be why Grifter becomes such a loose cannon and doesn't actually end up fighting for the Daemonites but against them. Although it all ends up in the same place anyway with Grifter butting heads with Helspont. But this Warwick guy isn't just in Cole's head. He's also outside on the street about to break in to the Daemonite's lab.

Warwick manages to escape with Cole Cash but they're followed by one of the Daemonite guards. This gives Cole a chance to demonstrate his new-found abilities!

Perhaps they should have spent a little more time on the "one-liners" and "retorts" modules.

Warwick takes Cole and dumps him in a room that's probably supposed to be the warehouse that he woke up in at the beginning of Grifter #1 but now is a hotel room. Or maybe it's just a different place because this seems to happen to Grifter on a regular basis if this Warwick guy is to be believed.

I suppose his mask was left in the bag and wearing that stupid mask is one of the few things he tends to remember about his Team 7 training. So now it looks like maybe Team 7 will just be the team getting called back together occasionally for missions of world shattering importance. Like if Nike were going to change their logo.

Grifter awakens and finds a short note from W to "See you soon." He remembers this happening before a few other times and he remembers his Team 7 days. So the beginning of Grifter #1 is either this same thing happening to him again and he loses 17 days fighting the reprogramming again but doesn't remember even this much when he awakens or this is just a slight variation on the beginning of Issue #1. And since I can't invest any more time in worrying about this shit character, I'll end it here.

Grifter #0 Rarting: Warwickapediastic!

Grifter #9

Hey look! A Liefeld book with more than just his name on the cover! He better get his lawyer to look over the fucking contract.

The last issue of Grifter ended with Grifter losing everything he held dear and even losing the will to live which means he's now ready to be the meanest motherfucker in the world! So it sort of lets Rob Liefeld off the hook when Rob changes every thing about Grifter and his motivations in this comic. Although just by looking at the cover, it would seem that he's sticking to Grifter's plan to get some help to kill the Daemonites. And he might be sticking to the plan to make himself the biggest super villain Earth has ever seen! Some guy in Metropolis might have a problem with that.

Let me refresh everyone on my thoughts on Grifter: I hate Grifter. I hate the character. This style of character interests me not in the least. I thought I'd get that out of the way so you'd know exactly why this commentary was so biased and bitchy!

Nathan Edmondson was the last writer of Grifter and he loved to make Grifter Narration Box really profound thoughts that actually never made any real sense. I'm going to miss that. Unless Rob takes up the challenge and continues the tradition! By Dan Didio's balls, I hope so!

Oh Rob Liefeld, how I love thee!

Mmm! It's like a rich, decadent dessert! Feel how that first Narration Box titillates the taste buds. Just that slight taste of what's to come. "Damn, I hate Daemonites." Ooooh! The anticipation flows over me, through me, spreads from my tongue to my loins! And that's just from the first, tiny bite; just a taste of the caramel artfully spilled around the base of the opulent morsel before me.

Seeing the size of the next Narration Box sitting just beneath the first fills me with longing. I need it! I dig in voraciously and am not disappointed! How after saying he hates everything, he feels the need to list some of the everythings! He sounds like such a racist asshole because what he should most hate them for is the way they keep trying to kill him! And look at the way he uses "was" instead of "were"! Oh, the Narration Boxing is too rich! My teeth are beginning to hurt.

And that last box, the last bite of this opening meal. It's the profound nonsense of Nathan Edmondson! THEY SMELL LIKE VOMIT MIXED WITH FEAR! And even though I can pretend this makes no sense (it doesn't but I have a joke for it!), I must say, shamefacedly, that every frat party I've ever attended reeked of this aroma.

What does this mean when assessing Rob Liefeld's writing talent? Is he a genius because he understands Nathan Edmondson's take on Grifter and has followed suit, portraying the madman as a gritty survivor filled to the brim with profound bullshit? Or is Liefeld a horrible writer that just naturally filled the horrible shoes of Edmondson? It's really just philosophical dick stroking at this point because I love it no matter what the cause of its beauty!

Grifter continues by saying that the Daemonites have turned him into the most wanted man alive. I still don't see how this has happened. He may be wanted by that one General that sent Max Cash after Cole, but that's really about it. Grifter simply comes across as a paranoid schizophrenic with delusions of grandeur. It's really pretty awesome since that's the way I'm fucking reading this book. He's just a madman on the run from his own mind.

Like right now: the comic begins with Grifter snowboarding down the Swiss Alps being chased by men in black armor snowboarding behind him. Grifter was just in Paris after having just been in the Himilayas after having been in Seattle. For a man with no money (and he definitely had no money since he never completed his big Grift in Seattle to earn some cash back in Issue Whatever One That Was), he sure gets around the world. Or does he? Perhaps he's merely fucked up on bath salts (effects: Agitation, paranoia, hallucinations, chest pain, suicidality. Sound about right?) and Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill Wine and lying in an alley in Seattle. When this comic book is cancelled, my vote is for the last panel to be Cole Cash lying fucked up beside a dumpster with vomit and fear drying on his shoulder.

In September, The New 52 will be bringing Team Seven to the fold. This title makes me cringe because Slade Wilson will be working on the same team as Amanda Waller and Cole Cash? I hope the majority of the comic has Slade and Amanda yelling at each other while Cole hallucinates in the break room and Dinah Lance just sighs and rolls her eyes at every comment. Then Steve Trevor does all of the actual work.

Back to Cole snowboarding down the mountain, it turns out, SURPRISE, the guys chasing him are Daemonites. He shoots them in the head and they die easily like usual. Well, that's how it would seem at first! But Rob Liefeld has a big surprise in store for Grifter because just like everybody else reading this comic, Rob was probably wondering why the Daemonites were such a massive threat when a guy like Grifter could easily take out dozens of them with just a pistol or two.

On no! They're red now and bullets don't kill them!

We get to learn about this new type of Daemonite through Grifter's Narration Boxing! Yay!

Wouldn't it be more foolish to stay still? Stupid Daemonite!

Grifter's description of these Daemonites confuses me a little bit. By including the blonde in the deluxe model (I didn't know that was an option when purchasing a car!), does that mean he finds them a little bit sexy?

I just glanced at the last page of the comic where the credits were (I hate when they put them there) and noticed that Rob Liefeld is merely credited with the story (I knew he wasn't doing the art) and someone else is credited with the dialogue! I think that means the Narration Boxing is probably from Liefeld's plotting of the story and the speech bubbles are all by Frank Tieri? I wish credits like this were a little clearer. Maybe it's Frank Tieri who understood what Nathan Edmondson was doing with Grifter's character and nailed the ridiculous Narration Boxes! Now who do I credit for this grand disaster?

While Grifter is checking out the hot blonde in the passenger seat of the Daemonite, some woman with dual Katanas comes out of nowhere to help him fight the Daemonite. Perhaps she fell off of a ski lift.

Why did this issue need to take place in the Swiss Alps?

This woman is named Niko and she knows more about the Daemonites than that last woman Grifter met up with! You remember? The one on the motorcycle that Edmondson killed off in the plane last issue? I forget her stupid name. Lola or something. Who cares?!

So Niko educates Grifter on the basic facts of what's going on.

1. Grifter is at war.
2. The Daemonites are after everyone, not just Grifter!
3. There is a resistance fighting the Daemonites.

Wait a second! So now a shit ton of people know about these Daemonites? Whatever. I wonder if Rob Liefeld will even remember how Tsavo the Daemonite is using Grifter as a pawn to destroy the Black Curate? Especially after Edmondson trashed his whole story to make the first eight issues simply one single, convoluted plan to turn Grifter into the ultimate Daemonite killing machine! Maybe Niko works for Tsavo.

Niko tells Grifter that the initial Daemonites he met were scouts trying to determine if Earth would act as a suitable replacement world for the Daemonites' destroyed homeworld. They decided it is! And it only took thousands of years to figure it the fuck out! So the Red Daemonites are the warriors. No wonder Voodoo and Grifter have been able to wipe out the Daemonites so easily up until now! They've only been scouts not properly trained in fighting! It all makes sense now! If you're brain damaged and you want to ignore the history from Stormwatch and Demon Knights.

Really? Using Darth Vader as a historical example? Why not Neo? Or Sailor Moon? And some people might argue that the Jesus thing worked out perfectly well. I'm not one of them, but, you know, bad example, Grifter.

And guess who the Chosen One is?! No, dumb dumb! It's Grifter!

So Grifter is now going to lead the resistance movement against the Daemonites because he's The Chosen One. His army arrives to help him and the other person on the cover of this comic shows up to give us his typical Rob Liefeld name: Deathblow. UUUUGGGGGHHHH!

So that's it. A new chapter in Grifter's life! He's become The Chosen One with an army consisting of Niko the Katana Lady and Deathblow the Gun Guy! I was a little bit surprised when I noticed Liefeld wasn't drawing this comic since Grifter usually wears that stupid mask so it's right up Liefeld's drawing alley. He did do the cover though which is why people are running leaning really far forward. He loves doing that.

Grifter #9 Rating: No change. Grifter is just as bad as usual. But now we've sort of cleaned the slate a bit, I think. I'm hoping that this history of the Daemonites takes over and the Daemonites are eventually sequestered to issues of Voodoo and Grifter. For a giant cosmic threat, they're not very interesting. Especially if Grifter is the Chosen One that will be able to kill them while Stormwatch has trouble with them!

Hawk and Dove #8

Their final fate? Hawk bites off his tongue and Dove breaks her hip?

The comic begins with Hawk describing to the readers what 'Going on the Offensive' means. Either he thinks the term is so profound that nobody will get it or he thinks readers of comic books don't sit on their asses watching sports in the way that non-readers of comics do. Hawk is describing the term because last issue, he and Dove were 'put on the defensive' and almost died (not really). So now they're taking the fight to the guy who almost killed them, the Hunter! And Hawk feels the best way to go about this is to dive on a bunch of swords.

I guess when you have a healing factor, you get careless.

After this, Hawk explains what a lead blocker does. No, no. He explains what the concept of the lead blocker is! I think. Anyway, he's trying to say that he's blocking for Dove and taking out the defense with his amazing offensive push. Although it just looks like he's dancing on the head of his enemies.

I'm not sure where he got the swords.

Hawk acts pretty cocky because he's got his healing factor and he's an avatar of war and he's angry while his enemies are just a couple dozen ninjas. So nobody's surprised when this happens:

Liefeld draws an awful lot of teeth.

But apparently this kind of wound is nothing to Hawk, Avatar of War and College Football Player!

But Mr. Hawk? What's a fumble? What's a turnover? Or an end zone? Or a red zone?

Despite being stabbed, Hawk manages to distract all of the ninjas so that he can score a touchdown. I guess a touchdown means allowing Dove and Xyra to sneak in to the temple of D'yak elsewhere.

Dove and Xyra encounter the Hunter while searching for the High Priest of D'yak. Plus more ninjas. Xyra fights the ninjas while Dove claims she can take down Hunter since he doesn't have the element of surprise! I guess his popping up unannounced while they thought they were being stealthy doesn't qualify as surprise.

Dove takes down Hunter easily because this is the second time she's encountered him and by comic book logic, she must win this time. But after she defeats him, the High Priest of D'yak appears and blasts her with an impotent spell!

He's a dragon man! Surprise! He devours angels! And Avatars!

While Dove is battling this dragon man and having a really, really easy time of it, she finally calls for a sword from Hawk and he delivers the killing blow. The Dragon Priest is dead and Hawk and Dove have survived another battle.

If you are magnets for this stuff, maybe you should stop being Hawk and Dove. Save everyone a lot of trouble.

And so Hawk and Dove's series comes to an end. I like that Liefeld left them on a high note. After this fight, they talk a little bit about what they've been through recently. They feel like they've really been tested and have come out stronger on the other side. They're a true partnership now and they're ready to get on with the fight, whatever that may end up being. It took eight issues to get Hawk and Dove to where they need to be to star in their own monthly series! Too bad their monthly series has just ended! But it'll be nice that when Hawk and Dove show up again, all of this prologue is out of the way. They can just get on with the story and maybe reveal a bit here and there about the War Circle and Dove's place within it. A good ending for a mostly mediocre title which had a few shining moments.

But even though I call the title mediocre, some of the other series can learn a lot from the way Hawk and Dove was put together. The writing across most of the series was sub-par. Liefeld's use of cliches and bad analogies hampers what could be some much meatier and weightier moments. But within the bad writing, there is a spark and a life to this comic book that kept me interested. It was, overall, a fun read. Perhaps some of the fun was ridiculing Liefeld's art. But even after I've made fun of his art and his writing, I can still give him the credit he deserves for putting together probably the best short story of the 8 issue run in Issue #6 with Batman and Robin. So far in the New 52, stories with good subtext are fairly hard to come by. And lo and behold, Rob Liefeld hit one out of the park. Okay, so it was a fairly short field. But it was a good issue.

A summary of the series points out some of the weird things comic book writers do. I don't know what's intentionally being set up for far future story arcs and what is just forgotten or what plot points are intentionally left behind for new story ideas. In Hawk and Dove, we started out with a Science Terrorist. Hawk and Dove defeat some of his Monsters of Mass Destruction. After that, we meet Condor and Swan who are part of a large plot to destroy the Avatars of War in the War Circle. We learn there are multiple Avatars of War, there is a thing called the War Circle (which we never find out much about), and that Dove is somehow above even the Avatars in the War Circle. She seems to have the ability to defeat foes when she's sliced open. And then we see the Science Terrorist helps Condor to escape jail but then the Science Terrorist disappears from the story altogether. Perhaps he would have come back in later stories with his efforts to rebalance Washington. Or whatever.

After Swan and Condor are destroyed, we get one shot story about stopping the Necromancer. And then a story about some God, D'yak, and his followers who are against Hawk who is an embodiment of Horus. Or something. It's just more myth to place on top of the War Circle myth. Perhaps every member of the War Circle has an avatar with solid history like Hawk. So Hawk has all this Horus stuff that explains him. And Condor would have had a history as well as Osprey. We never get to see where much of this goes, of course, but it's all there for the next Hawk and Dove run. I'm sure we'll be seeing a 4 or 6 issue mini-series somewhere down the line.

Simply because I'm glad Hawk and Dove ended on such a high note instead of going the huge unfinished business cliffhanger route or the killing or maiming one path, I'll move it up one rank before retiring it. It will forever remain as Title #39 for the New 52 All-Time Comics and their ranks. Once the new comics come out in May, I'll just add six more slots and make it the top 58. And I'll keep that system for as long as it's manageable! I already foresee problems with it but I'll try it out anyway.

So long, tiny, badly drawn Hawk and Dove! Thanks for at least always being fun to write about!

Hawk and Dove #7

What a surprise! A guy with an eyepatch because drawing a symmetrical face with two eyes is too hard!

Before I start reading the comic, I'd like to point out that last issue, the art and writing were credited only to Rob Liefeld. He had a colorist and that was all. This issue, the cover once again simply says Rob Liefeld. But the title page says, "Pencils: Rob Liefeld with Marat Mychaels" and "Inks: Liefeld, Adelso Corona, and Jacob Bear." So this issue is far from just being done by Liefeld. I don't know why he has so much pull that he keeps the other artists that help out with the issue off the cover.

This is how Liefeld draws women in clothing. He draws a naked woman without nipples and then draws lines to show where the clothing goes. He also draws some weird shit going on in her midsection.

The weirdest part about this opening page is that the narration boxes are in the voice of an omniscient narrator. Or maybe the weirdest part is the look on the blue shirted guy's face. Or perhaps the weirdest part is the angry guy at the table between the guy's legs. No, no. The weirdest part is definitely that Dawn's open hand looks good! Now, the wrist looks a bit swollen or broken. But you can't have everything! At least not when Liefeld's drawing. Maybe you can have everything in other situations. Like ordering everything off the McDonald's value menu.

The angry guy in the background is, of course, Hank Hall. You know! Hawk! I didn't want to assume that it was him because I haven't seen him without his mask for quite awhile now. That's because faces are hard to draw when you leave the mask off, remember? And I didn't really recognize Dawn either except the narrator told me it was Dawn dancing like she dances every night. Which probably causes Hank to get into a fight every night!

Yeah, dude! Gross! She only fucks intangible guys!

After playtime, Hank punches out a mirror.

Hank drags Dawn out of the nightclub and tells her she's out of control. Man, you're really out of control when Hawk tells you you're out of control! Hank points out that Dawn has been acting wild because she's trying not to deal with her breakup from Deadman. Dawn's rebuttal is, "Nuh uh!" There might be more to it but I'm distracted by one constant thought: "How did Rob Liefeld become such a popular artist?"

Broken hand and weird butt to head to torso to legs ratio.

I was going to post a couple of other pictures from the same page but my cat walked across the comic as it was being scanned and screwed up the images. What a jerk! And I'm too lazy to do the same work twice!

Dawn and Hank don't fight for long before they make up and proclaim that they really care about each other and maybe they should go get some chicken and waffles and then...

"Hank! You big jerk! Ruining our moment by being harpooned!"

Hank and Dawn instantly transform by yelling, "Hawk!" and "Dove!" respectively. Which brings up a question! Does there need to be intent for them to transform? Or will Hank transform any time he says, "Hawk"? What if he says, "Do you guys want to go to the Omaha convention center?" Will that trigger a transformation? Or is it less about the word and more about just willing themselves to transform with the word being a kind of mantra or focal point?

One thing I have to praise Liefeld for is doing the omniscient narrator thing. I bet he's such a big shot in the office that nobody had the heart to tell him that DC isn't doing that anymore. The two editors on this book probably went straight to Dan DiDio and complained that Rob was doing that Omnishit again. And DiDio probably said, "Just leave Rob alone. He's making his deadlines. Don't rock the rock star's boat!" And now Rob gets to do whatever he wants!

The guy who harpooned Hawk is the guy from the cover! Who is he? Who knows! Just the Villain of the Month, I suppose. But he does know an awful lot about Hawk and Dove. He even knows that Dove has yet to fully recover from her battle with Condor and that Condor's poison is still in her. Dove was poisoned?

Dove gets bundled up in a net and Hawk attacks Hunter. Hunter acts smug and tells Hawk all about his clothing and that time he lost his eye to learn everything he needed about the Great Hunt! So he's a Batman type but with an eyepatch. I guess that makes him Deathstroke! During the fight, Hawk is slightly wounded.

Liefeld is cheating! He's just doing that to make Hawk's hand easier to draw!

Hunter also steals some of Dove's hair calling them feathers while referring to Hawk as an elephant and his finger as his tusks. He also keeps narrating his own fight and telling Hawk and Dove what they'll do and how he'll get away. And then he's kicked in the back of the head by a third party. The wild party! No, no. This party:

The wildly dysmorphic party!

This woman claims to be a Xyra, a follower of Hawk and a servant of Horus. The Hunter is a follower of D'yak, a group who oppose Hawk. Hawk and Dove have no idea what she's talking about. Between Condor and Swan and Xyra and Hunter, a shitload of people know a hell of a lot more about Hawk and Dove then they even know.

Dawn Granger is confused by all of this.

And Hank Hall looks like my friend Soy Rakelson (name still changed to protect his naivete).

Hawk and Dove go with this Xyra woman to a safe house to recuperate before Hunter returns with the totems needed to kill them. The totems he'll create from the pieces he stole from them. Hunter heads back to talk with some crazy priest who claims a prophecy states that "the Hawk will ultimately kill the Dove." Well, that's a stupid prophecy. And an extra stupid picture to end the issue.

I'm going to work out until I develop a giant muscle right in the crook of my elbow!

Even with assistants, the art in this issue was particularly bad from the cover with the boring blank bubbly background to a wide number of panels which seem half-finished. The backgrounds in half of the comic was that same bubbly greenish background as the cover. If Liefeld decided to draw a background, it was usually just a couple of lines to show some angles in the room or maybe a lightswitch on a bare wall.

Last issue, the art may not have been much better but at least the story was good. This issue contains just a lot of crazy new revelations that may or may not have anything to do with the stuff Condor revealed previously. I'm guessing it'll be different. I think Liefeld should have spent a few more pages on Hank and Dawn's relationship and cut out a few fight scenes. That may have made the issue a little bit better than mediocre. As it stands, it's just decent enough to not drop the rank it just gained. Hawk and Dove remains steady.

Hawk and Dove #5

How come the Inker and the Assistant Penciller don't get a byline on the cover? Also, more square fists!

 

I noticed that Hawk and Dove makes like it's a comic written by one guy and drawn by one other guy. But the inside credits show Adelso Corona as an inker as well as Rob Liefeld. And Liefeld even has an "Assistant Penciller" which is a title I don't think I've seen in any other comic. But he gets his name all alone on the cover as the artist. That's some fucked up shit, Mr. Liefeld. Especially for someone who was part of the creator's rights movement. Give everyone their credit, sir!

This comic begins with Deadman trapped in a "Chaos Crystal". So maybe Swan is the Avatar of Chaos now! Can we have that Avatar back? Hawk speaks some Old Portuguese nonsense and uses Deadman's magicks to open a portal to someplace he calls home. He then enters the portal with Swan claiming that once inside, nothing will stop him.

Hawk and Dove are busy chasing monsters along rooftops in an effort to find out what happened to Deadman. While they're doing this, Hank is thinking about how his brother Don was killed when he was seventeen. And Dawn is thinking about how she got her super powers at seventeen and how she and Hank had to fight a monster named Kestrel. Oh! Remember him? The Avatar of Murder!

Who is the 'you' that Hawk is talking to inside his own thoughts?!

Hawk and Dove are chasing down a creature named Gob that Xanadu said could help them find Deadman. Gob is some demon thing that lives in Salem.

I didn't know Dove breathed through her eyeballs.

Hawk and Dove take a break from seeking Deadman to have a chat on a rooftop. And I can't quite concentrate on the poor dialogue because of Dawn's hand.

This is why Liefeld likes to draw square fists!

Out of nine panels with Hank and Dawn speaking, that's the only one where Liefeld tries to draw an open hand. Here's a panel where he Radar O'Reilly's every single hand.

I'm pretty sure Dawn is playing with her nipples.

Hawk and Dove chat long enough to not really resolve any of their issues. They then head to the place the demon told them would lead them into the Realm of War. They pass through and discover Condor in his Pure Birdemental form!

Nice use of your Danger Sense power, Dove!

Do the kids today get Dark Crystal references?

And I'll point out the Evil Dead quote while I'm scanning.

Condor tells Dove that he can see the whole Circle of Avatars and she isn't part of it. He says she's above it somehow. Which must be why he both knows everything and doesn't know anything about her all at the same time.

Condor thinks he can beat Dove but he doesn't know her secret! That she can absorb Avatars into her vagina!

Defeated by lady parts!

Yeah. Whoa.

Dove defeats Condor with her Golden Hole but Swan gets away. And Deadman, after witnessing what can happen to anybody that gets too close to Dove's Lady Business, promptly breaks up with her!

I don't blame you, dude!

And that's the end of Issue #5. I don't know what it is about this comic. Nothing is done well and yet it somehow works when all put together! I enjoy reading this comic. It's fun. Or maybe making fun of it is fun. I don't know and I don't think I care! As long as I'm enjoying reading and writing about it, that's what really matters.

But it isn't good enough to go up a rank. I'm not going to reward it! Sheesh!