Teen Titans Spotlight #8: Hawk

Whenever I wield a flamethrower, I like to do a bit of grappling with my enemy first.

I have a theory about Fox Mulder's "I want to believe" poster which I've probably already written about and which other people have probably already written about but which is on my mind because walking through Fred Meyer today while wearing my "I want to believe" t-shirt, a guy said, "Disclosure is coming!" And my response, which I didn't say aloud, was, "You don't understand this shirt's sentiment at all!" Sure, maybe the real poster was done by a person who loved the idea of flying saucers but was too logical and rational to ever believe in them. You know, the kind of person who doesn't simply pretend the things they desire actually exist without proper evidence. There's a subtle distinction in "I want to believe" and "I don't believe." "I don't believe" is inherent in "I want to believe." But "I want to believe" speaks volumes more about the person giving the statement. "I don't believe" is a statement in gray hues without any emotion while "I want to believe" is exploding in color and firmly planted in a sense of longing and sadness. It says the world would be a more interesting place if this thing were true but the desire for that more interesting world cannot hold greater weight than the lack of evidence for that world.

Anyway, Fox Mulder obviously believes in fucking aliens (fucking there is an intensifier and not a verb although I'm fairly sure, based on the show, he also believes in hybrid human-aliens so he must believe in alien fucking). He believes in vampires and werewolves and chupacabras and government conspiracies that, back in the 90s, aren't nearly as far-out as the kinds of things regular people believe in 2019. No, Fox Mulder doesn't "want to believe" in UFOs and such. He wants to believe in God. He has a burning need to believe in God. Because while he thinks for many years that his sister was abducted by aliens or the government, he knew she it was probable that she was dead. And since he didn't believe in the afterlife or ghosts or God, he needed to believe in these other wacky things that he seemed to find evidence for everywhere. But he wouldn't need the X-files at all if he simply could believe in God. He wants to believe so that he can know his sister is in peace. The main thing Mulder can't abide is the non-existence of his little sister.

In other words, The X-Files is all about Mulder's search for God. And it's about Scully's loss of faith over time. Eventually, these statements I'm making about the show don't pan out because later seasons fucked up everything with shows written by people who obviously didn't understand the characters! The X-Files should have ended with the episode where Mulder shot himself in the head. At that point, Scully had been dying of cancer for pretty much most of the season, getting sicker and sicker. And since Mulder and Scully represented the two halves of the human psyche (logical and emotional, male and female, science and faith), the emotional side (Mulder) began to spiral into greater depths of despair and fear as the logical side (Scully) was dying. And Mulder falling so far into despair that he eventually kills himself is just further proof of his needing to believe in something more. Of course he would want to believe in life after death as he puts the gun in his mouth but, even then, he almost certainly didn't.

And that's why I hate when I'm wearing my "I want to believe" shirt and some asshat on the street says, "So just believe!" Fuck you and your inability to get the subtlety, jackass!

Now let's read about The Racist! I mean The Strawman! I mean The Hawk!

And right out of the gate! First fucking panel! Christ, Hank Hall!

This comic book is from 1987 so even though I had a gut feeling that "zipperheads" was super racist, I still had to look it up to make sure. So now my Google search history contains a search for "zipperhead"! Man, I hope I don't get gunned down in a mass shooting over the next few days! Not like anybody will be able to log onto my laptop by guessing my new super racist password!

Visually, I don't like what this panel is implying!

How long did Hank Hall carry that stupid hang glider kit around with him before some editor huffed, "Just give him fucking flight powers already!"?

I love when a comic book introduces a sexy woman and then has the main character instantly refer to her as a "kid." Way to make me feel like a pedo, comic books! I mean, I expect to feel like a pedo when reading Deathstork. But not Teen Titans Spotlight On Colon!

Two soldiers begin following Hank and the Sexy Kid but Hank knows how to deal with them! First he calls them dinks which is weird because how does he know they're a committed couple with no children? And you'll never guess what he does second! Oh, you guessed. Yeah, he punches them in the face.

Ha! I bet Hank is feeling pretty dumb about his dink comment now!

The sexy kid's name is Lupe. She works for the Queen of the Hive whom Hank has traveled to South America to see. She was a huge fan of Hawk's sneaking panel last issue so she wanted a memorable walking away panel of her own.

You would think she's running away because of the violent man comment but really she's just headed to the Jeep. I have no idea why a couple Slendermen make an appearance.

I only included the second panel in the above image to show I wasn't lying like I totally hardly ever do. She really was just heading back to the car.

Hank and Lupe drive into the jungle to meet with Arachnid, the creature composed of billions of other insects. He's waiting to give them a ride on a gigantic tick that's also probably composed of other insects. If these insects have such great powers of transformation, why can't they take the form of a limousine or a helicopter or Heidi Klum? I'm not too impressed.

Arachnid and the giant tick take Hawk and Lupe deep into some jungle ruins to relax before meeting the Queen of the Hive. Relaxing means eating dinner topless and now I regret never having relaxed with anybody in high school. Although after eating, Hank is swarmed with bugs so thankfully that regret only lasted a few seconds. I knew it was a trap, Gabrielle Ruggero! Although now that I'm remembering Gabrielle, how likely would it have been to die from bug bites?! The regret is back!

Lupe drugs Hank so that when she reveals the big surprise (that she's the queen! Surprise!), he'll be too fucked up to remember that she's a kid when he puts his face in her pleasure region.

Hank's main concern isn't that Lupe might be a little young but that he might be sticking his dick in a vagina made from cockroaches. "No homo, dude!" is probably what Hank would say when he learned his cock touched a cockroach.

"She told me she was as ancient as the first life that crawled on Earth" is no excuse for statutory rape. Better play it safe and go jerk off in a bush, Hank!

Queen Lupe tells Hank her life's story which doesn't include any proof that she's older than sixteen. I thought she would be all, "I was born within the buzzing chaos of a hornet's nest!" But instead, she's all, "My whole village was slaughtered and I followed a butterfly to safety where it taught me how to spell and rub my genitals on the soft moss of the river rocks while thinking of someone like you."

Don't worry. She's probably nine hundred and sixty-two here.

The Queen of the Hive didn't just bring Hank Hall all this way to fuck him. She also needs his help defeating a white colonialist named Toxicator. I'm not sure what his power or his plans are but who cares? You don't call yourself Toxicator because you're looking to make the world a better place.

Hank asks Lupe her age one more time and she's all, "Older than you!" So that cinches it and they fuck all night. In the morning, Lupe is all, "Um, I don't mean to be rude but could you get the fuck out of my bed and go defeat the Toxicator already?!" I bet while she was fucking Hank, she was dreaming of a mossy rock by a waterfall. Seriously, Hank doesn't seem the type of guy to care about a woman's needs.

Hank wastes valuable time putting his PVC hang glider together before finally heading off to stop the men ruining the environment. It's not the kind of thing he usually cares about but he got some action out of it and now feels slightly obligated to give a shit. What a hero.

On his way to talk to the lead man behind the deforestation, the rest of the man's crew begins shooting at him. It's a good thing because now he knows he can be as rough as he wants! It would have looked bad if Hank just showed up and started punching a guy in the face without getting his side of things. Maybe the Queen of the Hive just doesn't want the white man discovering her nuclear testing facility!

Apparently nobody on the board of the Comics Code Authority could speak Mexican Spanish.

Just like any good Californian, I've always known the phrase "Chinga tu madre" to mean fuck your mother. I've also never put any thought to the phrase than that. Apparently, it's got a lot more subtlety and nuance that I've been ignorant about. And used in this context, where a guy just yells "Chinga!", I can see why maybe it wouldn't offend (especially to some East Coast editor who didn't grow up with the phrase "chinga tu madre" and was just working from an English-to-Spanish dictionary). Or maybe they just didn't care? I certainly don't! Or maybe the person who reviewed this issue let it go because they were working on The Flash and the memo in the background reads, "Buy The Flash by us guys!"

The Toxicator interrupts Hawk's interrogation of this guy who is probably just a secretary. He looks exactly like the rejected G.I. Joe action figure you'd expect him to look like. He and Hawk talk mercenary trade secrets for a bit until The Toxicator is reminded that he's getting paid a lot of money to protect this deforestation company. At that moment, he shoots Hank in the face with his super-soaker full of what I'm assuming are toxic chemicals.

One of the guard's speeches is translated with a note that it's translated from the Portuguese which is when I realize this is taking place in Brazil. Whoops! That also explains the "chinga" thing although in Portuguese, "chingar" means "to scold." So I don't know if it totally explains it! Sometimes when a guy crashes through my front window causing me to shit my pants, I yell, "Scold!"

I should have know they were in Brazil since the first panel says Hank is landing at an airfield in "Matto Grosso." But since it's spelled incorrectly, I can pretend that I thought it was just a made up place!

Hank's lungs are now full of something called u-cyclotron so he has to escape on the giant tick. To revive, he has to suckle at Lupe's breast. Man, I really wasn't paying enough attention to this comic book in 1987! I could have told Gabrielle that my lungs were full of u-cyclotron and there was only one remedy!

"So, uh ... cough cough ... Gabrielle. Um, I've got a weird ... cough cough ... request?" "Who the fuck are you, nerd?"

Oh yeah. That's totally how that would have went down. My regrets are many but not hitting on Gabrielle Ruggero definitely isn't one of them. You gotta remember your limits!

Hank comes up with a new plan after tripping balls off of Lupe's breast milk. He tells her to gather all the bees together and make sure they drink deeply of her titty juice. Then he has them sting all of the invaders so that they're out of their minds from the hallucinations. At that point, it's just a simple matter of telling them he's God and that they really need to change their ways. Being backwards Brazilian Catholics full of Portuguese and Native superstitions as opposed to logical white oppressors, they're all, "Chinga me! Chinga me, God! Tell me what I've done wrong my entire life and fix it!"

Boom! Problem solved and Hank Hall got laid to boot!

Teen Titans Spotlight #8: Hawk Rating: B+. It's a good thing the writer clarified that Lupe was older than sixteen. I mean, she didn't offer any valid proof or anything. She just said she was! But it's not like a sixteen year old would lie about her age just because she was thirsty for some big super hero dick, right?! Also, she's completely fictional so who fucking cares?! Anyway, it was a decent story that ended rather abruptly and super weirdly (even if I lied about the breast milk which was really just rare pollen used to make healing mead). How can you go wrong with a comic book that shows an ass, uses the slur "zipperhead," and swears in another language?! I bet Comicsgaters hold this comic book up as a triumph of what the medium can produce!

Teen Titans Spotlight #7: Hawk

I finally found Rob Liefeld's reference for drawing guns!

I also could have claimed this was John Romita Jr's reference for drawing guns but I would have expected him to accidentally learn a little something about facial expressions if he had to look at this cover multiple times. But if Rob learned anything more than drawing a gun from this, it's that characters should show as many teeth as possible in every panel.

Is Hawk's superpower being able to shoot a gun? Isn't that a fairly common superpower? Maybe his superpower is being able to shoot guns while having a short torso and high-waisted underpants? Or maybe his superpower is accidentally stepping on the hand of the woman he's rescuing while firing a gun?

I hope I'm using the term "gun" correctly or else I'm going to get a lot of backlash from NRA enthusiasts telling me none of my points are valid because I used the term incorrectly.

"Ha ha! If you think the 'AR' in AR-15 stands for assault rifle then how can you be sure anybody was ever killed by a gun?! Dumb ass!" said the philosophical gun lover all the fucking time. "The world would be a much safer place if more people carried guns," logically argued the smartest gun lover, conveniently forgetting the flashes of white hot anger he was constantly experiencing all the fucking time everywhere he went. If only he could carry his gun around, he probably wouldn't get so angry! "People should take personal responsibility for themselves!" argued the gun lover who was completely against any laws that might make him culpable in a crime where his gun was used because he had failed to keep it secure because that would be tyranny, probably. "Guns don't kill people; Muslims kill people," accidentally thought out loud the gun lover.

Judging by the passion of people who don't mind trading away the lives of thousands of Americans so they can have a gun for recreation and illusory safety, I'm surprised Hawk isn't sporting a huge boner on this cover.

This was the airport in Denver before it was replaced by the Illuminati.

I thought this scene was going to instantly morph into the cover. Stupid airports and their no guns policies! Although this was 1987. Couldn't you bring anything you wanted onto a plane in 1987?! Maybe I'm thinking of flying in the seventies. Once when I was seven, I remember sitting next to a guy flying with fifteen goats and a keg of sulfuric acid while I let the tired Catholic priest seated next to me rest his head in my lap.

Excuse me while I draw a MAGA cap onto Hawk in every panel of this comic book so it reads more like 2019. He's got their philosophy down pat on the first page! "I love everything lefties hate even if I don't know anything about those things! At least I fucking know what the 'AR' in AR-15 stands for! Idiots!"

The only problem with this initial scene is that the anti-nuclear canvasser puts his hands on Hawk and then security proclaims there was no provocation. No wait. I used the phrase "the only problem" wrong because there are multiple problems with this scene. One of the problems, I admit, stems from me reading this in 2019. When I first read the panel with security saying, "Let's go," I didn't read it as security breaking up the fight. I read it in the voice of every fucking kid on Twitch or Mixer ready to escalate some shit. I thought the fight was just getting started! Another problem because I should probably wring out more than one extra problem after saying this scene had more than one problem with it is that the canvasser even continues to argue his point with somebody who threatened to give them a fat lip. He's never going to get any signatures from willing people if he spends all his time arguing with people who are obviously not into his groove. Canvassers need way thicker skin than this guy has! Just say "Have a nice day!" and move on!

I didn't know that stripping down to your underwear was a valid defense for violently going apeshit bananas in public.

It's actually worse than stripping down to his underwear. Hawk actually had to unpack his costume and get into it to prove that he had the right to punch a hippie. Security is all, "Well, since you got the Twinkie product placement in, I guess we have to let you go. But don't go punching anybody who isn't a terrorist from now on, you got me?!"

The Stapleton Airport Security team have ferreted out a plan by "one of these Middle Eastern terrorist gangs" to sabotage the Crow Mountain Nuclear Power Plant. Hawk pulls his mask down and screams, "Not Crow Mountain! Nuclear is my favorite!" The Security Chief says, "Hopefully the guy you punched was actually one of the terrorists because that would make your actions seem less crazy in context later (even if you didn't actually know he was a terrorist) and also make our story seem less bigoted by making the terrorists white guys." Hawk responds, "Why isn't anybody biting my Twinkie? Don't you understand what an imperative is?!"

Now I wish Hawk was a violent, short-fused asshole who was only concerned with proper grammar.

Hawk tells the security guys that he'd love to help kill a few terrorists so call him if some shit goes down. Security is all, "Apparently we can't charge Teen Titans with assault so, um, enjoy your stay! Try not to punch too many Coloradans!" But they seemingly come to their senses when Hawk is out of punching range.

With all these snack references, I suspect the terrorists will be stopped by their love of fruit pies.

Hawk is in Colorado to attend an anti-terrorism seminar at a corporate funded think tank called the Kellogg's Group. Why is this comic book insisting on making my mouth water?! Does it know I'm currently not eating sugar?!

Hawk is the only hero to attend this anti-terrorism seminar because the other Teen Titans, the Justice League, and the Outsiders declined because they didn't want to be seen endorsing any particular group. Infinity Inc. wasn't invited.

Hawk makes a huge splash at the seminar with logical statements and incendiary truth bombs.

Almost got that terrorism sorted! Time for a Ding Dong!

Hawk leaves the meeting to go look at Colorado's natural beauty while fuming about wimps and losers. I'm sympathetic to writer Mike Baron's leftist viewpoints so I'm not going to start calling Hawk "Strawman" during this commentary. But, I mean, he's really quite the caricature of the super-patriotic, support-the-police-at-any-cost, hippies-fucking-suck redneck, isn't he? I probably didn't use dashes correctly in that last sentence but I felt it made it somewhat clearer. For the layman! I know grammar nerds are going all Grammar Hawk on me! "You wimp! You loser! You should be gunned down the Israeli way!"

The National Guard stops by in a helicopter to tell the Kellogg's Corporation that they need to evacuate. The Stapleton Airport Security Guard Detectives were right! Terrorists have captured the Crow Mountain Nuclear Plant! Hawk watches from his idyllic perch on the mountain and thinks more of his profound thoughts.

MAGA!

What the fuck is Hawk toting around in that ginormous case? Is it Mike Brady's architectural designs for a new theme park? Or is it a Banana Splits poster?!

I'm only five pages into this comic book and I don't think I've ever been so entertained. Hawk is fucking nuts. Is every character with "Hawk" in their name a ranting aggressive conservative bastard? Maybe it's characters with "Hawk" in their name or characters whose names begin with "H" and end with "K"? Is that what made Hulk so angry? Was it welfare queens, immigrants, and the estate tax?

Inside Hawk's gigantic tube is the Hawkglider. That's just a hang-glider made from PVC pipe and a re-purposed parachute.

"If you want something done right wing, you've got to do it yourself!" is the original Ayn Rand quote.

Hawk is a big dumb fucker. He might be the anti-Batman. He glides into the power plant to discover a guard unconscious on the ground. In one panel, he notices the guard has an insect bite on his neck. In the next panel, Hawk gets big by an insect and doesn't make any kind of intuitive or logical connection between the two. Instead he just explodes again, calls the bug a wimp and a loser, and rushes inside to kill some terrorists.

For such an angry guy, he sure sneaks comically.

Hawk discovers more guards out cold with bug bites. That makes him think, "More bug bites...what the heck...they should have called Orkin." Immediately followed by this panel:

"Gah! Where's my gun?!"

Hawk needs to stop being so comically angry, conservative, and stupid or I'm going to scan every panel in this issue.

Now I need to add misogy...wait. Is her name "Stupid Broad"?!

Hawk recognizes Stupid Broad because she was with Jerry, the hippie trying to stop nuclear power. She was outside protesting when the terrorists took over and since she had a wrench on her, she thought maybe she could stop them.

Stupid Broad introduces herself as Bonnie so I guess Stupid Broad is her superhero name. Hawk continues to curse the bugs and tells Bonnie to keep her wrench handy. At least he recognizes a superhero team-up when it's happening. How long before he accidentally calls her Dove?

Now I'm imagining Batman hunting The Riddler with some Gotham Police while he mumbles, "Never let it be said that Doctor Wayne's little boy was stupid!"

Christ. I'd forgotten just how long we've been dealing with this whole "leftist media" bullshit. But it fucking worked. The media was so fucking upset that they kept getting called biased that they simply stopped actually reporting on news and just became parrots of right-wing talking points. It's no surprise that I probably have spent more time shitting on journalists and newscasters in these comic book commentaries than I've spent shitting on Republicans. Because the journalists should know better and have instead chosen the easy, cowardly way of avoiding constant criticism.

Hawk continues to ignore the bug situation until a giant Preying Mantis made out of bugs approaches. It calls itself Arachnid and it wants an end to all sort of fun things: nuclear power, the destruction of the rain forest, the use of chemical pesticides, the production of acid rain. It's practically asking for an end to humans! I hope Hawk kills it!

At one point during the confrontation, Bonnie asks about the Arachnid, "What is it?" This is how Hawk responds:

At first I thought he was being controlled by the bug bites. But, no, this is just his standard demeanor.

After Arachnid states its grievances, Bonnie shouts, "Right on!" Hawk yells, "SHUT UP!" Is this the kind of comic books Comicsgaters are dreaming of going back to? Except for the part where the audience understands Hawk is a huge asshole. They probably read this and, every few pages, rush out into the street to find another guy to high five.

Bonnie starts talking about some Frank Herbert book while Hawk asks out loud, "How does a bunch of stupid bugs expect to destroy a nuclear power plant?" Luckily, Arachnid is a helpful bug golem. It's all, "Termites!" Hawk should have saved his Orkin line for this moment!

There's only a few pages left so when do they introduce the Fruit Pie Wizard and his magic wand of fruit pie creation?

Arachnid disappears into some cracks while the nuclear plants alarms go off, warning of an imminent meltdown. Hawk's plan is to randomly throw switches hoping to get lucky enough to stop the meltdown. Bonnie's plan is to look disaster in the face and find the silver lining.

So every thing he said up until this point was supposed to be encouraging and complimentary?!

Before Hawk can start throwing switches and writer Mike Baron has to do some actual research on what effect that might have on a nuclear power plant beginning to meltdown, Hawk notices an organ in the control room. Hawk's new plan is to hook the organ up to the PA system, play some screechingly high notes, and drive the bugs away! If this works, lawmakers will probably introduce a bill to put organs into every public space, just in case of another terrorist attack by insects.

Hawk's plan works and the police thank him for saving Colorado. Then they immediately turn on Bonnie and threaten to arrest her for trespassing. She doesn't strip down to her underwear to prove she's a Teen Titan though, darn it. Instead, Hawk uses his pull as a Titan to get her off the hook. The cop doesn't appreciate it but what can he do? This is Teen Titans Spotlight On: Hawk, not Teen Titans Spotlight On: Podunk Denver Police Officer.

Later, Hawk returns to the anti-terrorism seminar and basically proposes organs in every public place. What a fucking douche.

The issue ends with Arachnid extending an invitation to Hawk to meet with its queen to discuss negotiations of peace with the insect kingdom. Or maybe it's just Queen Bee behind this all and she's in some serious need for an angry fuck.

Teen Titans Spotlight #7: Hawk Rating: B+. Fuck, I was entertained. No wonder all these assholes love Fox news. It's fun having people tell you that what you think is right and confirming your beliefs that the people who think differently are angry fucking dumbies.

Hawk and Dove #6

Now the real fun begins! Writer & Artist with no assitants: Rob Liefeld!

Look at that cover! Take it in!

"What's wrong with it, Jeff? Looks like a fairly standard cover," you say. And I mostly agree! For a Liefeld cover, it's pretty harmless. And perhaps if some artist I didn't know had drawn it, I wouldn't look a little closer. But it's Liefeld and so it demands another look.

First off, the fists. Always with the fists, Mr. Liefeld. He can't draw hands so he draws fists. But he can't draw fists either! They look like he modeled them from lego men! Perfectly square with the thumb tucked in every time. And what's with Batman walking a balloon in mid-air? Sure, he's supposed to be swinging on his bat cable. But he's not! He's strolling down the mid-air midway with a balloon in his hand. I won't fault him for Dove flying right in Batman's way as he's swinging and the odd angle of the buildings. Any other artist might have drawn that crap as well.

Well, now that Liefeld is writing, what's going to happen to the story? Did Sterling Gates tell Liefeld what he had in mind with the Circle of War and the other Avatars? I think Liefeld is just going to drop that whole story line since it basically wrapped up last issue with the death of Condor and the disappearance of Swan. So let's see what Liefeld has in store for these wacky kids.

The comic begins with Hawk being chased along the rooftops of Gotham by Blockbuster. I couldn't tell it was Blockbuster on the first page but when I turned the page, it's evident who it is before the comic states it. Hawk is narrating the story as if he's telling a new tale on some weekly anthology television series like Amazing Stories or Tales from the Darkside (that intro used to scare the hell out of me as a child). Hawk has been beat up once tonight and he's running from Blockbuster because he doesn't think he can take anymore. He's a bit vague right now about why he's in Gotham although I'm sure that's what got him into this mess.

Here's what happens when Rob draws an open hand. Err, claw. Look at the size of that ring finger, ladies!

DC managed to finally get me to buy 90s Image Comics!

Hawk has an amulet that he's trying to keep Blockbuster from getting his hands on.

His large, misshapen, possibly six-fingered hands.

Blockbuster grabs the amulet and leaps from the building. Hawk tries to leap after him but his tangled in some rope. Looks like Batman has decided to put a stop to this nonsense going on in his city.

Oh, or Robin! I wonder if Hawk is going to ask Robin why he chose a bird's name when he can't fly?!

Robin takes Hawk down and lets Blockbuster go. I'm not sure why. Batman may have wanted Robin to stop Hawk from chasing Blockbuster and causing more collateral damage. Maybe Batman is going after Blockbuster himself. This Robin doesn't look anything like Damian Wayne. He looks more like Tim Drake. Or, actually, Dick Grayson! Is that the last time Liefeld drew a Robin?

Turns out Robin let Blockbuster go because he put a tracer on him. Batman and Robin know Blockbuster is just a pawn helping to steal a bunch of totems for someone else. Batman and Robin want to track Blockbuster to the leader, so they stopped Hawk and Dove from ruining their operation.

Here's Batman with his fists squatting on a chimney. Or falling forward off of a chimney. Or popping out of it singing Chim-Chim-Charoo.

Batman also tells everyone the person behind this whole mess is calling herself "Necromancer". And Batman knows her plan!

Grrrr! I'm Batman!

The team takes off through the sky, making fists and teeth clenchy faces!

This is my favorite picture of Batman swinging across Gotham! A vaguely bat like silhouette (not man like at all!) with the rope strung through it. I'm sure Rob was just, "Fuck it! I have to draw this whole fucking comic myself AND write it? I don't have time to draw Batman again!"

And on the other page of this panel, Hawk seems to be flying. Unless he's just leaping from building to building. I'm sure that's it.

The team track Blockbuster to Necromancer's lair where she's in the middle of a spell to make her the most powerful witch in the world! In all worlds! In forever! Bwa ha ha!

But she gets her ass handed to her by Dove and Robin. And Blockbuster goes down under the combined assault of Batman and Hawk. Dove retrieves the amulet but Necromancer gets away at the end. They all shrug their shoulders and say, "We'll get her next time!" Yeah, why bother hunting her down? She was just going to destroy the world! But she'll probably rethink that now.

Batman pays Hawk and Dove some compliments and tells them if they really train and work hard together, they can be a formidable force for good. Or something like that. Hawk sees it as a lecture but Dove accepts the compliment and the advice. And then they all go their separate ways!

Wow. A one-shot story! I'm really liking the quick and dirty one shot stories a few of these comics have been providing. And even though I can poke fun at Rob Liefeld all day long, at least this comic was entertaining! It was cheesy and goofy and clumsily written at parts. But some of those things are really good things in a comic book! I was entertained. By Rob Liefeld! Who would have thunk?

I liked that the story was a single issue and though it appears Hawk is struggling a bit, overall the heroes have everything under control. They don't get beat up and hospitalized only to come back and win out over the bad guy. The story is about their interactions with Batman and Robin. The story is about the comparison between these two people who seem nothing alike and yet they work so well together. And the story is told from Hawk's perspective, so he doesn't really get that. He's making fun of them the whole time and wondering how they work together and why a Bat and a Robin and whine moan blah. And that really makes it work nicely. Because the reader can see Hawk and Dove in Batman and Robin, just as Batman can. And his advice at the end shows he sees they can become just as cohesive and dynamic a duo. But Hawk still doesn't see this at the end and moans about Bat's lecture! Actually really nice work, Liefeld.

Hawk and Dove only have two issues left in their run but at least they may go out on the way up! I'll raise Hawk and Dove's rank by one for this issue. Nicely done entertaining comic book fare.

Hawk and Dove #1

Notice how Liefeld didn't draw the feet of those birds?! That's a Rob Liefeld Hater In-Joke.

Let's see if I can judge this comic at all without spiraling into an all-consuming hate-rant vortex because of Liefeld's art. Although what fun is that? I just can't wait until Liefeld writes and draws a DC comic!

But seriously! Just look at that cover! Rob Liefeld is a contemporary of Jim Lee. They did the whole Image thing together. They were both drawing in the same gritty over-the-top style. But Jim Lee's artwork has gotten better over time. Rob Liefeld's has stagnated and remained exactly the same. That could be the reason why Jim Lee is helping run DC Comics now and Liefeld is barely hanging on to one or two titles. Not that I'm suggesting that working for DC is some grand measurement of success. Far from it. But I am suggesting that it appears Lee has worked to move ahead in his career, like bettering his art, while Liefeld has just been content to remain where he was in 1992. Damn! I still sound like I'm judging slackers! I'm not! I am one! But if your passion is your art, don't you think you'd want to improve your art?

If I owned any old Liefeld comics (I don't), I could probably find a panel from 1993 that looks exactly like this picture.

Okay, forget that panel! I was going to start ranting about Liefeld already but first I need to hit the writer, Sterling Archer Gates, with a stick. Wow! What a genius summation of the American Political system! What a scathing attack on the two party system! The panel I couldn't scan said, "The balance is gone!" Yeah, because it was all balanced so well in the 20s when nobody was stopping the unchecked raging bullshit on Wall Street that led to everyone being rich by selling stocks they didn't actually own! And it was so balanced during the Red Scare of the fifties. And it was so fucking balanced in the 1860s that our country exploded into war. I get why he's making a talking point about balance. This is Hawk and Dove, after all. Chaos and Order. Violence and Peace. But this terrorist's manifesto may as well have been written by a third grader (especially the part about monsters fixing everything!). But who is this going to scare?

OH HAI CAPTAIN STUBING!

It'll scare everyone in the computer lab, that's who! Or the coffee shop? Is this a coffee shop? Because if it's a coffee shop, these people wouldn't be watching the news. They'd have their Word Documents opened to their unfinished novel they started junior year of high school. Unless this terrorist somehow forced his feed across every laptop in existence! He is a 'Science Terrorist', after all!

And just look at their faces! Are they shocked or giving oral sex to invisible beings? My favorite part is drawing the perfect profile on the one guy because any angle other than 1/2 is too fucking hard, goddammit!

I'm just rereading the first page and I need to go back to the terrorist's rant. He says, "The balance has shifted too far." Too far where? In which direction? That's a pretty important point here. Is he upset the balance is too far to the right? To the left? Is he referring to the checks and balances from earlier and thus suggesting the balance has shifted too far into the Supreme Court's hands? The President's? Congressesses's? Or is he just trying to say the government is out of control? Because, you know, just say that! Except that wouldn't fit with the theme of balance inherent in Hawk and Dove. So to fit the theme, just spout nonsense! I get it!

After these frightening news reports, the scene shifts to Hawk and Dove beating up the terrorist's allies on the cargo plane he reportedly stole.

This invisible alien has a fairly large cock.

The reader is introduced to Hawk and Dove by a little text blurb next to each of them.

HAWK
A.K.A Hank Hall
Avatar of War
Powers: Enhanced vision, agility, strength, body density and healing factor.

DOVE
A.K.A. Dawn Granger
Avatar of Peace
Powers: Enhanced intelligence, compassion, enhanced strength, flight, and danger sense.

As you can see, Dove prefers the Oxford Comma while Hawk probably just thinks it's FUCKING USELESS GARBAGE YOU STUPID TWAT! Was that a good imitation of the Avatar of War? Also, you'll note that 'Compassion' is a super power. I can buy that! How come Hawk doesn't also have the capability of flight? He's named after a bird for pigeon's sake! Oh, but he does get the enhanced vision. That's cool.

Dove is trying to land the plane safely while Hawk beats the crap out of everything that moves and yells at Dove for not landing the plane fast enough. The Avatar of War is a dick! But Dove's concern is that unless she gets the plane down safely, they'll "hit the Washington Monument." Seriously? The only way to not hit the skinny ass Washington Monument is to get the plane down safely? I'm pretty sure you can just turn right or left and crash into something else. There are other options! No wonder Hank is yelling at you, you dumb bird.

As Hawk beats up the normal guys, the zombie monsters being flown into Washington, DC, to solve all of our problems wake up and attack Hawk and Dove. And Hawk teaches the zombies "an important lesson."

Really, Hawk? I don't think everyone else in popular culture has gotten the message yet!

You heard it straight from the Hawk's mouth! Zombies are OVER! I hope not! Where's my Young Teen Romantic Zombie Fiction? And I don't mean just sticking zombies into Pride and Prejudice.

Hawk and Dove take care of the zombies and then need to fly the plane over the Washington Monument. But Dove has to fly outside and give the plane some control by flying under one of its wings. Meanwhile, the guy with enhanced strength is a big pussy.

Make your body more dense!

Hawk and Dove end up clipping the Washington Monument and shrugging their shoulders. "Enh. We did our best!" They land and Hawk berates Dove some more. It's like an episode of The Amazing Race!

"Stupid woman! Falls off the motorcycle! Friggin' scatterbrain!"

I can't believe Rob Liefeld is getting off so easy! I guess DC figured if they teamed him with a crappy writer and Rob does at least a decent art job, he'd be successful! One thing Rob suffers from much like Jim Lee and David Finch is the way he distinguishes gender. No, not the boobs. Every man's face is filled with cross-hatching and lines. The women all have smooth faces with no black ink on them at all. Men are obviously weathered from working out in the sun with their hands and doing man things! And women are soft and creamy from beauty treatments and eating bon bons while watching daytime television. Or maybe there's another less sexist explanation! But who looks for the less sexist explanation when one is discussing comic books? Amirite?

So Hawk and Dove meet up with Washi Watanabe, an agent of the DCPD Special Crimes Unit. This guy wears glasses which highlights another shortcut Liefeld loves. If you don't have to draw their eyes, it's much easier to make a symmetrical face! So Hawk and Dove have nice masks covering their eyes (which is why I think he got this job). And now Washi has sunglasses and just a few lines on his face. He's nearly androgynous!

Except not one single line would find its way onto a woman's face. Unless she was meant to be an old woman. Then she can have lines.

This guy gives them his card which is just a piece of paper that says "Watan" on it. Seriously. His thumb is hiding the rest of the name but there isn't enough room on the card to fit more than one more letter on it. And that letter would be up against the border. What a dumb business card! I'm going to make business cards for my company that say "YOUR FLO". After this encounter, Hawk and Dove fly off home.

A woman's work is never done.

Hank "Hawk" Hall goes off to whine to his dad about the new Dove being a total loser and why did his brother Don have to die in some Crisis or something and everything is unfair and why did I even get turned into the Avatar of War! Boo hoo. I liked it better when they were the Avatars of Chaos and Order.

Dawn "Dove" Granger goes to hang out with her dead boyfriend, Boston Brand, and mentions that she can never tell Hawk the truth about her origin! Mystery! And then, on the final page, Kestrel shows up.

Hey! He was created by Liefeld (and Barbara & Karl Kesel) in 1988! This is from the Who's Who 1990 Edition.

Oh man! OH MAN! I take it back! Rob Liefeld has improved! Look at that stance Kestrel is in at the bottom of the page! His ankle is broken on his extra long leg! And look at the pointy feet people love to make fun of! Oh! OH MAN! But that's not all! No sir bob's your uncle!

Hee hee! Remember way back at the beginning where I said if I had a Liefeld comic I could find a guy who looks exactly like the terrorist? Well?! WELL! And I only had three panels to look through! And notice how their eyes are all squinty and closed? Next best thing to sunglasses! Fuck, Liefeld. How is it so easy to peg you?

I love you, Rob Liefeld!

52 at First Glance, Part Thirteen

49. Hawk and Dove
Writer: Sterling Gates
"Artist": Rob Liefeld

People are still giving Rob Liefeld work? How did this guy's art become the style of the early nineties (unless it was some other part of the nineties. Or perhaps the late eighties. You'll have to forgive me as my Super Power seems to be kicking in). I understand that companies will give him work. What I don't understand is people actually like his stuff which is why he gets work! Who are these people who like looking at distorted bodies and action scenes seen through a lens of retarded perspective? Maybe that's his Art Style, and a movement all its own: Retarded Perspectivism.

Maybe he can't be blamed for his style. Because I just noticed that he looks like a man who drew himself! Witness:



I guess I'd be drawing faces that most resembled the face I see in the mirror every day too if I drew stuff! (By the way, I do draw stuff: Pickle Boy Comics. Except that my face doesn't look like any of that stuff I drew. So maybe I made a hasty conclusion after too small a sampling of art.)

Oh yeah! Hawk and Dove! I wouldn't have picked up this title. Especially with this cover.

50. Blue Beetle
Writer: Tony Bedard
Pencils: Ig Guara
Inks: Ruy Jose

I'm not familiar with this creative team nor am I familiar with this Blue Beetle. I don't think I would have been interested in picking up this non-Ted Kord version of Blue Beetle. The original may or may not have been killed by Maxwell Lord in some super duper crossover I never read. Unless it happened in 52 and I forgot about it. I just Googled it and it happened during Infinite Crisis which led up to 52. And something I've never read.

I know I'll be missing Ted Kord while I read this comic. Bwa ha ha!

By the way, here's the cover.

51. Legion Lost
Writer: Fabian Nicieza
Artist: Pete Woods

I don't know much about Legion. I think Lobo started in Legion. And that's all I know! I certainly don't recognize anybody on the cover.

52. Legion of Super-Heroes
Writer: Paul Levitz
Artist: Francis Portela

I also don't know much about the Legion of Super-Heroes. So much so that for a long time, I thought Legion and Legion of Super-Heroes were just two comics about the same team.

Maybe they are! That's how much I don't know!

The cover certainly doesn't mean anything to me and it wouldn't have made me interested.

It certainly doesn't look like there are a legion of them.