Hawk and Dove #6

Now the real fun begins! Writer & Artist with no assitants: Rob Liefeld!

Look at that cover! Take it in!

"What's wrong with it, Jeff? Looks like a fairly standard cover," you say. And I mostly agree! For a Liefeld cover, it's pretty harmless. And perhaps if some artist I didn't know had drawn it, I wouldn't look a little closer. But it's Liefeld and so it demands another look.

First off, the fists. Always with the fists, Mr. Liefeld. He can't draw hands so he draws fists. But he can't draw fists either! They look like he modeled them from lego men! Perfectly square with the thumb tucked in every time. And what's with Batman walking a balloon in mid-air? Sure, he's supposed to be swinging on his bat cable. But he's not! He's strolling down the mid-air midway with a balloon in his hand. I won't fault him for Dove flying right in Batman's way as he's swinging and the odd angle of the buildings. Any other artist might have drawn that crap as well.

Well, now that Liefeld is writing, what's going to happen to the story? Did Sterling Gates tell Liefeld what he had in mind with the Circle of War and the other Avatars? I think Liefeld is just going to drop that whole story line since it basically wrapped up last issue with the death of Condor and the disappearance of Swan. So let's see what Liefeld has in store for these wacky kids.

The comic begins with Hawk being chased along the rooftops of Gotham by Blockbuster. I couldn't tell it was Blockbuster on the first page but when I turned the page, it's evident who it is before the comic states it. Hawk is narrating the story as if he's telling a new tale on some weekly anthology television series like Amazing Stories or Tales from the Darkside (that intro used to scare the hell out of me as a child). Hawk has been beat up once tonight and he's running from Blockbuster because he doesn't think he can take anymore. He's a bit vague right now about why he's in Gotham although I'm sure that's what got him into this mess.

Here's what happens when Rob draws an open hand. Err, claw. Look at the size of that ring finger, ladies!

DC managed to finally get me to buy 90s Image Comics!

Hawk has an amulet that he's trying to keep Blockbuster from getting his hands on.

His large, misshapen, possibly six-fingered hands.

Blockbuster grabs the amulet and leaps from the building. Hawk tries to leap after him but his tangled in some rope. Looks like Batman has decided to put a stop to this nonsense going on in his city.

Oh, or Robin! I wonder if Hawk is going to ask Robin why he chose a bird's name when he can't fly?!

Robin takes Hawk down and lets Blockbuster go. I'm not sure why. Batman may have wanted Robin to stop Hawk from chasing Blockbuster and causing more collateral damage. Maybe Batman is going after Blockbuster himself. This Robin doesn't look anything like Damian Wayne. He looks more like Tim Drake. Or, actually, Dick Grayson! Is that the last time Liefeld drew a Robin?

Turns out Robin let Blockbuster go because he put a tracer on him. Batman and Robin know Blockbuster is just a pawn helping to steal a bunch of totems for someone else. Batman and Robin want to track Blockbuster to the leader, so they stopped Hawk and Dove from ruining their operation.

Here's Batman with his fists squatting on a chimney. Or falling forward off of a chimney. Or popping out of it singing Chim-Chim-Charoo.

Batman also tells everyone the person behind this whole mess is calling herself "Necromancer". And Batman knows her plan!

Grrrr! I'm Batman!

The team takes off through the sky, making fists and teeth clenchy faces!

This is my favorite picture of Batman swinging across Gotham! A vaguely bat like silhouette (not man like at all!) with the rope strung through it. I'm sure Rob was just, "Fuck it! I have to draw this whole fucking comic myself AND write it? I don't have time to draw Batman again!"

And on the other page of this panel, Hawk seems to be flying. Unless he's just leaping from building to building. I'm sure that's it.

The team track Blockbuster to Necromancer's lair where she's in the middle of a spell to make her the most powerful witch in the world! In all worlds! In forever! Bwa ha ha!

But she gets her ass handed to her by Dove and Robin. And Blockbuster goes down under the combined assault of Batman and Hawk. Dove retrieves the amulet but Necromancer gets away at the end. They all shrug their shoulders and say, "We'll get her next time!" Yeah, why bother hunting her down? She was just going to destroy the world! But she'll probably rethink that now.

Batman pays Hawk and Dove some compliments and tells them if they really train and work hard together, they can be a formidable force for good. Or something like that. Hawk sees it as a lecture but Dove accepts the compliment and the advice. And then they all go their separate ways!

Wow. A one-shot story! I'm really liking the quick and dirty one shot stories a few of these comics have been providing. And even though I can poke fun at Rob Liefeld all day long, at least this comic was entertaining! It was cheesy and goofy and clumsily written at parts. But some of those things are really good things in a comic book! I was entertained. By Rob Liefeld! Who would have thunk?

I liked that the story was a single issue and though it appears Hawk is struggling a bit, overall the heroes have everything under control. They don't get beat up and hospitalized only to come back and win out over the bad guy. The story is about their interactions with Batman and Robin. The story is about the comparison between these two people who seem nothing alike and yet they work so well together. And the story is told from Hawk's perspective, so he doesn't really get that. He's making fun of them the whole time and wondering how they work together and why a Bat and a Robin and whine moan blah. And that really makes it work nicely. Because the reader can see Hawk and Dove in Batman and Robin, just as Batman can. And his advice at the end shows he sees they can become just as cohesive and dynamic a duo. But Hawk still doesn't see this at the end and moans about Bat's lecture! Actually really nice work, Liefeld.

Hawk and Dove only have two issues left in their run but at least they may go out on the way up! I'll raise Hawk and Dove's rank by one for this issue. Nicely done entertaining comic book fare.

Hawk and Dove #1

Notice how Liefeld didn't draw the feet of those birds?! That's a Rob Liefeld Hater In-Joke.

Let's see if I can judge this comic at all without spiraling into an all-consuming hate-rant vortex because of Liefeld's art. Although what fun is that? I just can't wait until Liefeld writes and draws a DC comic!

But seriously! Just look at that cover! Rob Liefeld is a contemporary of Jim Lee. They did the whole Image thing together. They were both drawing in the same gritty over-the-top style. But Jim Lee's artwork has gotten better over time. Rob Liefeld's has stagnated and remained exactly the same. That could be the reason why Jim Lee is helping run DC Comics now and Liefeld is barely hanging on to one or two titles. Not that I'm suggesting that working for DC is some grand measurement of success. Far from it. But I am suggesting that it appears Lee has worked to move ahead in his career, like bettering his art, while Liefeld has just been content to remain where he was in 1992. Damn! I still sound like I'm judging slackers! I'm not! I am one! But if your passion is your art, don't you think you'd want to improve your art?

If I owned any old Liefeld comics (I don't), I could probably find a panel from 1993 that looks exactly like this picture.

Okay, forget that panel! I was going to start ranting about Liefeld already but first I need to hit the writer, Sterling Archer Gates, with a stick. Wow! What a genius summation of the American Political system! What a scathing attack on the two party system! The panel I couldn't scan said, "The balance is gone!" Yeah, because it was all balanced so well in the 20s when nobody was stopping the unchecked raging bullshit on Wall Street that led to everyone being rich by selling stocks they didn't actually own! And it was so balanced during the Red Scare of the fifties. And it was so fucking balanced in the 1860s that our country exploded into war. I get why he's making a talking point about balance. This is Hawk and Dove, after all. Chaos and Order. Violence and Peace. But this terrorist's manifesto may as well have been written by a third grader (especially the part about monsters fixing everything!). But who is this going to scare?

OH HAI CAPTAIN STUBING!

It'll scare everyone in the computer lab, that's who! Or the coffee shop? Is this a coffee shop? Because if it's a coffee shop, these people wouldn't be watching the news. They'd have their Word Documents opened to their unfinished novel they started junior year of high school. Unless this terrorist somehow forced his feed across every laptop in existence! He is a 'Science Terrorist', after all!

And just look at their faces! Are they shocked or giving oral sex to invisible beings? My favorite part is drawing the perfect profile on the one guy because any angle other than 1/2 is too fucking hard, goddammit!

I'm just rereading the first page and I need to go back to the terrorist's rant. He says, "The balance has shifted too far." Too far where? In which direction? That's a pretty important point here. Is he upset the balance is too far to the right? To the left? Is he referring to the checks and balances from earlier and thus suggesting the balance has shifted too far into the Supreme Court's hands? The President's? Congressesses's? Or is he just trying to say the government is out of control? Because, you know, just say that! Except that wouldn't fit with the theme of balance inherent in Hawk and Dove. So to fit the theme, just spout nonsense! I get it!

After these frightening news reports, the scene shifts to Hawk and Dove beating up the terrorist's allies on the cargo plane he reportedly stole.

This invisible alien has a fairly large cock.

The reader is introduced to Hawk and Dove by a little text blurb next to each of them.

HAWK
A.K.A Hank Hall
Avatar of War
Powers: Enhanced vision, agility, strength, body density and healing factor.

DOVE
A.K.A. Dawn Granger
Avatar of Peace
Powers: Enhanced intelligence, compassion, enhanced strength, flight, and danger sense.

As you can see, Dove prefers the Oxford Comma while Hawk probably just thinks it's FUCKING USELESS GARBAGE YOU STUPID TWAT! Was that a good imitation of the Avatar of War? Also, you'll note that 'Compassion' is a super power. I can buy that! How come Hawk doesn't also have the capability of flight? He's named after a bird for pigeon's sake! Oh, but he does get the enhanced vision. That's cool.

Dove is trying to land the plane safely while Hawk beats the crap out of everything that moves and yells at Dove for not landing the plane fast enough. The Avatar of War is a dick! But Dove's concern is that unless she gets the plane down safely, they'll "hit the Washington Monument." Seriously? The only way to not hit the skinny ass Washington Monument is to get the plane down safely? I'm pretty sure you can just turn right or left and crash into something else. There are other options! No wonder Hank is yelling at you, you dumb bird.

As Hawk beats up the normal guys, the zombie monsters being flown into Washington, DC, to solve all of our problems wake up and attack Hawk and Dove. And Hawk teaches the zombies "an important lesson."

Really, Hawk? I don't think everyone else in popular culture has gotten the message yet!

You heard it straight from the Hawk's mouth! Zombies are OVER! I hope not! Where's my Young Teen Romantic Zombie Fiction? And I don't mean just sticking zombies into Pride and Prejudice.

Hawk and Dove take care of the zombies and then need to fly the plane over the Washington Monument. But Dove has to fly outside and give the plane some control by flying under one of its wings. Meanwhile, the guy with enhanced strength is a big pussy.

Make your body more dense!

Hawk and Dove end up clipping the Washington Monument and shrugging their shoulders. "Enh. We did our best!" They land and Hawk berates Dove some more. It's like an episode of The Amazing Race!

"Stupid woman! Falls off the motorcycle! Friggin' scatterbrain!"

I can't believe Rob Liefeld is getting off so easy! I guess DC figured if they teamed him with a crappy writer and Rob does at least a decent art job, he'd be successful! One thing Rob suffers from much like Jim Lee and David Finch is the way he distinguishes gender. No, not the boobs. Every man's face is filled with cross-hatching and lines. The women all have smooth faces with no black ink on them at all. Men are obviously weathered from working out in the sun with their hands and doing man things! And women are soft and creamy from beauty treatments and eating bon bons while watching daytime television. Or maybe there's another less sexist explanation! But who looks for the less sexist explanation when one is discussing comic books? Amirite?

So Hawk and Dove meet up with Washi Watanabe, an agent of the DCPD Special Crimes Unit. This guy wears glasses which highlights another shortcut Liefeld loves. If you don't have to draw their eyes, it's much easier to make a symmetrical face! So Hawk and Dove have nice masks covering their eyes (which is why I think he got this job). And now Washi has sunglasses and just a few lines on his face. He's nearly androgynous!

Except not one single line would find its way onto a woman's face. Unless she was meant to be an old woman. Then she can have lines.

This guy gives them his card which is just a piece of paper that says "Watan" on it. Seriously. His thumb is hiding the rest of the name but there isn't enough room on the card to fit more than one more letter on it. And that letter would be up against the border. What a dumb business card! I'm going to make business cards for my company that say "YOUR FLO". After this encounter, Hawk and Dove fly off home.

A woman's work is never done.

Hank "Hawk" Hall goes off to whine to his dad about the new Dove being a total loser and why did his brother Don have to die in some Crisis or something and everything is unfair and why did I even get turned into the Avatar of War! Boo hoo. I liked it better when they were the Avatars of Chaos and Order.

Dawn "Dove" Granger goes to hang out with her dead boyfriend, Boston Brand, and mentions that she can never tell Hawk the truth about her origin! Mystery! And then, on the final page, Kestrel shows up.

Hey! He was created by Liefeld (and Barbara & Karl Kesel) in 1988! This is from the Who's Who 1990 Edition.

Oh man! OH MAN! I take it back! Rob Liefeld has improved! Look at that stance Kestrel is in at the bottom of the page! His ankle is broken on his extra long leg! And look at the pointy feet people love to make fun of! Oh! OH MAN! But that's not all! No sir bob's your uncle!

Hee hee! Remember way back at the beginning where I said if I had a Liefeld comic I could find a guy who looks exactly like the terrorist? Well?! WELL! And I only had three panels to look through! And notice how their eyes are all squinty and closed? Next best thing to sunglasses! Fuck, Liefeld. How is it so easy to peg you?

I love you, Rob Liefeld!

52 at First Glance, Part Thirteen

49. Hawk and Dove
Writer: Sterling Gates
"Artist": Rob Liefeld

People are still giving Rob Liefeld work? How did this guy's art become the style of the early nineties (unless it was some other part of the nineties. Or perhaps the late eighties. You'll have to forgive me as my Super Power seems to be kicking in). I understand that companies will give him work. What I don't understand is people actually like his stuff which is why he gets work! Who are these people who like looking at distorted bodies and action scenes seen through a lens of retarded perspective? Maybe that's his Art Style, and a movement all its own: Retarded Perspectivism.

Maybe he can't be blamed for his style. Because I just noticed that he looks like a man who drew himself! Witness:



I guess I'd be drawing faces that most resembled the face I see in the mirror every day too if I drew stuff! (By the way, I do draw stuff: Pickle Boy Comics. Except that my face doesn't look like any of that stuff I drew. So maybe I made a hasty conclusion after too small a sampling of art.)

Oh yeah! Hawk and Dove! I wouldn't have picked up this title. Especially with this cover.

50. Blue Beetle
Writer: Tony Bedard
Pencils: Ig Guara
Inks: Ruy Jose

I'm not familiar with this creative team nor am I familiar with this Blue Beetle. I don't think I would have been interested in picking up this non-Ted Kord version of Blue Beetle. The original may or may not have been killed by Maxwell Lord in some super duper crossover I never read. Unless it happened in 52 and I forgot about it. I just Googled it and it happened during Infinite Crisis which led up to 52. And something I've never read.

I know I'll be missing Ted Kord while I read this comic. Bwa ha ha!

By the way, here's the cover.

51. Legion Lost
Writer: Fabian Nicieza
Artist: Pete Woods

I don't know much about Legion. I think Lobo started in Legion. And that's all I know! I certainly don't recognize anybody on the cover.

52. Legion of Super-Heroes
Writer: Paul Levitz
Artist: Francis Portela

I also don't know much about the Legion of Super-Heroes. So much so that for a long time, I thought Legion and Legion of Super-Heroes were just two comics about the same team.

Maybe they are! That's how much I don't know!

The cover certainly doesn't mean anything to me and it wouldn't have made me interested.

It certainly doesn't look like there are a legion of them.