Justice League Europe #4 (1989)

And Power Girl.

When The Elongated Man is knocked unconscious, his neck should recoil into his body like pressing the pedal on the vacuum cleaner to recoil the power cord. SHWWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIP-CRACK!

I've been watching Marvel's She-Hulk: Attorney-at-Law and it has confirmed my belief that Comicsgaters hate themselves because they simply can't allow themselves to enjoy enjoyable things. That show is motherfucking charming and a lot of fun. It's probably my favorite of the Marvel television shows (which, if I'm remembering correctly, I've liked them all). Plus in the most recent episode, the DC Universe became a canonical part of the Marvel Universe. It's when Jen says, "Am I being fridged?" And while, yes, it's probably true, that "being fridged" has become common comic book lingo, you can't ignore the origin of it from Gail Simone's Women in Refrigerators. Yes, Gail's essay dealt with both universes. But the whole saying stems from a Kyle Rayner story! You can't discuss "Women in Refrigerators" without understanding that the entire idea was sparked by the absolutely over-the-top death of Kyle's girlfriend being stuffed into a fridge. You might also argue that She-Hulk's moments where she breaks the 4th wall don't count in the canon but at that point I've stopped listening to you and gone on with my life.

Anyway, it's a great fucking show and Comicsgaters are fucking losers who can't fucking simply enjoy something enjoyable! Loosen up, bastiches! Get laid! Oh, whoops! Sorry! I think that's part of the problem. This is why I'm such a staunch proponent of legalizing sex work. Because men who can't get laid need an option where they can get laid. And women need an option where they can get laid by a guy who knows what he's doing. Picking up a guy at a nightclub when you're a horny woman is a fucking crap shoot. Sure, the guy might be super sexy but you never know what his skills are going to be. But if you pay for sex? The guy had better know how to close!

Also we need to stop letting old men and Christians define sexuality. Those fucking cretins wouldn't enjoy a finger up the ass unless it was OH NO I'm not finishing this thought because I absolutely frown on the amount of pedophilia happening in the Catholic Church and even if my brain wanted to turn it into a punchline, I have control over my brain and I just told my brain, "NO! YOU STOP RIGHT THERE, YOU NASTY ASS EDGELORD!"

Pointing out an error like this could be a critique on how little anybody working in the medium of comics cares about the job or it could just mean I'm a petty asshole.

If anybody reading this series was still wondering who was fucking with the Justice League Europe across the last few issues, beginning the story in Bialya should clear that right up. I mean if they somehow didn't look at the cover!

This issue is called "Bialya Burning!" which kind of implies that the Justice League are going to firebomb an entire country. Unless it's more metaphorical like when Midnight Oil said their beds were burning. Unless that wasn't metaphorical at all and somebody should have really rushed in with a hose to help them.

Queen Bee softly chides Jack O'Lantern (I hate that name. Am I typing it correctly? I have no idea) for revealing himself to Justice League Europe. Now they know who is behind the disinformation campaign to make them look like white supremacist Nazi lovers. The campaign mostly relies on mind control though so it's not much of a campaign. What can't you do if you had mind control at your disposal?! I suppose find somebody to truly love you. But forcing them to love you truly through mind control is a satisfying enough illusion if you cultivate an exceptionally strong sense of denial.

See? Just as satisfying!

Jack O'Lantern calls Queen Bee "lady" twice and she reminds him that he owes her everything which I think is also a threat that means she can take everything away from him at any moment. Like his life. Was that too obvious to explain? Sometimes it's hard to tell. I often think things I read are obvious which is why my college professors were constantly writing "Expand on this" on my papers.

Animal Man and Power Girl are heading into Bialya undercover because it worked so well when they took the tour of the Global Guardians' headquarters in Paris. They were recognized instantly out of uniform even thought Wally West's hair color was completely wrong! Oh yeah, it was Wally there and not Buddy Baker. I was confused because of that hair color error I just mentioned. Anyway, Power Girl is totally recognizable due to her huge hair and also her tits.

Hey, remember the last time a member of the Justice League entered Bialya undercover? They were turned into a Manchurian Candidate! I'm not sure sending Power Girl into that situation is a good idea. Especially since Jack can identify her out of costume.

Sure, they aren't spying or listening through any shadowy devices but don't you think consuming every item in the mini-bar in under ten seconds might set off some alarms?!

This was 1989 so maybe the mini-bar was assessed manually when staff came to service the room. Back in 1997 when I was in Japan, I checked into a little place and walked up to what I thought was my room. The door was open as it was currently being cleaned and the first thing I did was grab a Coke out of the mini-bar. It alerted the desk that somebody was somewhere they shouldn't have been and they sent somebody up to politely scold me for breaking a rule. What I'm trying to say is I got a free Coke out of being a dopey tourist.

I don't know what Justice League Europe's plan is. It seems like maybe it's going completely against the whole United Nations backing of the League? They're just infiltrating a sovereign country to . . . what?! Overthrow the leader? Because the leader may have, at worst, pranked them? Aren't they stepping on Amanda Waller's toes here?! This feels like Suicide Squad shit.

Metamorpho sneaks into the country disguised as a stain on the bottom of a plane. He then transforms into a fart and makes a The Prisoner reference about the surveillance in Bialya. Oh, come on, Rex! They're just ahead of their time! Reagan's America and Thatcher's Britain are currently figuring out how to make the same kind of surveillance state palatable to their populaces! If only he could see the future and how so many people would embrace having cameras on their doorbells, CCTV on every street corner, and personal tracking devices right in their own pockets!

J'onn is also (meaning like me!) a bit disturbed about Captain Atom's plan to basically invade Bialya.

This is what happens when you put a military guy in charge. They make stupid military decisions.

The worst word to a military leader is "diplomacy." Talk?! What the fuck kind of tactic is that?! The only real tactics are violent invasion or stealthy infiltration, both of which ultimately lead to regime change and the installation of an American puppet as leader.

Meanwhile in Bialya, Jack begs Queen Bee to fuck him and she's all, "Um, no. Fuck somebody else if you need it so badly." And he's all, "Your mind control makes it so that I can't get it up with anybody else!" And Queen Bee basically just laughs in his face. Man, I wish I could mind control people. You don't have to compromise on anything and you can humiliate other people sexually! Can you even imagine that kind of power?! I'm only talking to the other fugly people reading this! We all know you hotties already do this constantly!

Jack is concerned for Owlwoman who is undergoing the process that gave Jack so many new superpowers. It was developed by some guy named The Doctor which was probably supposed to give everybody Nazi vibes so that the twiste will hit even harder: The Doctor is a Dominator!

I was going to scan the panel where the Doctor first appears to remind everybody who those big-toothed, Japan-flag-foreheaded aliens were. But this panel had Owlwoman's butt in it.

Metamorpho spies on Queen Bee and her pets before meeting up with Power Girl, Animal Man, and The Flash. He's found a way to infiltrate Queen Bee's base and he believes they can take her out. What does that mean?! They can't just beat up and kidnap the leader of a foreign nation, can they?! At least the Suicide Squad would kill her so that something had to change without any knowledge of American involvement (although everybody would totally know the CIA was involved anyway). What can the Justice League do?! Threaten her to play nice?

I suppose if it were my plan, I'd send my team in, destroy all of Queen Bee's technology, murder her Dominator (because he's an alien and I think even Batman and Superman wouldn't flinch at killing an alien for some reason), and deprogram her Global Guardian cohorts. All without letting her know who was doing it. Which probably means maybe Metamorpho should have just did all of that while he was a fart? He probably could have destroyed the machines by turning into some wet chemical and then killed the Dominator by turning into whatever chemical is a poison to them and then deprogrammed Jack and Owlwoman by some other chemical means that probably exists but I don't have time nor the inclination to research! But bringing in Power Girl, Flash, and Animal Man is going to kind of give the whole game away, isn't it? Or is Queen Bee supposed to just shrug after being defeated and say, "Good job! You guys win. I won't turn this into an international incident at all! Good luck on all of your future endeavors!"

Like usual, if I'd just waited to read ahead a few pages, I would have found out the plan.

So I guess my final guess as to their plan in the previous paragraph was pretty much spot on. You know it's not a good plan when my sarcastic plan winds up being the plan.

The Dominator's plan for Owlwoman's metamorphosis is to "push the 'meta(l) gene' past accepted limits." Do I not know the definition of words? Doesn't "accepted limits" mean "we've realized this is the limit and we've accepted that" and not "everybody has accepted and agreed that this will be the limit where we push the gene"? I guess I'm like Jack who the Dominator says has "limited intellect" which "cannot fathom" his science. I'm not even sure what Owlwoman's powers are and how pushing those powers past their limits would make her more powerful. Maybe I should look her up in the trusty Who's Who?

According to the Global Guardian entry in Who's Who (because Owlwoman doesn't get her own entry (which you'll realize makes sense when I copy down verbatim all that Who's Who has to say about her)), "Owlwoman (Wenonah Littlebird, a full-blooded Indian of Oklahoma) can fly and see in pitch darkness." Note how "a full-blooded Indian of Oklahoma" is so much longer than actually just giving us her tribe's name. They didn't have the Internet back then so you can choose to forgive the editors and writers for not knowing what tribes lived in Oklahoma or you can not forgive them because how hard would it have been to find out?!

This means that pushing her meta(l) gene past accepted limits will allow her to super fly and to super see in the dark. Wow! She's going to be awesome!

Metamorpho's plan is to sneak in through the sewers. He's surprised when Animal Man notices a camera in the sewers even though he pointed out all of the surveillance on his way into the city.

Either that was an itsy-bitsy camera in 1989 or Animal Man is being really sarcastic to point out what a dumb jerk Metamorpho is.

You might think calling Metamorpho a dumb jerk because he missed a camera is a bit rough but two seconds after they find the camera, they all blow up. They don't die, of course, although Animal Man probably should have died. Maybe he takes on the toughness of a cockroach just before he explodes. After the smoke clears, the Justice League find they've been ambushed by Jack O'Lantern.

Buddy Baker is a very sarcastic man.

What's the most sarcastic animal? I bet it's a dolphin. Imagine how much sass and eye rolling Aquaman has to put up with.

During the fight (which Jack continuously tries to flee almost immediately even though he started it), Jack blows a hole in the ceiling and kills a bystander walking on the street above. The mind control keeps him from worrying about everything except what Queen Bee is going to think. But I bet if he weren't mind controlled, he'd be feeling pretty remorseful right now. He's still a hero underneath his mind-control need to fuck Queen Bee.

The Flash punches Jack at super speed so Jack is probably dead. I'm surprised his head is still on his shoulders. Queen Bee, watching via the itsy-bitsy camera, decides to send reinforcements: a whole army of soldiers with pumpkin weapons. Looks like Jack is probably out of a job. I guess The Doctor is also making an army of soldiers who can super fly and super see in the dark too!

Before Queen Bee can dispatch her army, the Justice League arrives in her command center.

Nobody gets nothin' past Queen Bee!

According to the last four issues of Justice League Europe, Wally West is a total sex pest.

Metamorpho gasses all the guards and Buddy Baker stops the Dominator from pulling a pistol on the rest of them. Really? A vampire looking space alien monster that dominates other races and it reaches for a pistol? Useless! And that's where the scene ends! But later that night, Queen Bee explains to The Doctor the deal she made with the League. As long as she stops trying to ruin their reputation, they won't tell the rest of the world that Bialya is a terrorist nation bent on controlling the world. Seems like a fair compromise! Also, they tell Queen Bee she must stop working with a Dominator. So Queen Bee kills the Dominator. Which I'm guessing the League probably should have known would happen and, like Batman, just choose not to give a shit about anything that happens after they leave their enemies alive. Anybody who dies after they leave the scene, no matter how battered, bloodied, or maimed, isn't the fault of the hero! It's the fault of, well, doctors, probably.

The team return to Paris and not too far behind, also on her way to the Embassy, is Sapphire Stagg, Metamorpho's wife. Not only is he going to be surprised to discover he's married, he's going to be ecstatic to find out how hot his wife is!

The issue ends with Catherine Coulson possibly flirting with Captain Atom. Doesn't Catherine know Sue Dibny has dibs on him?

All this time I've been wondering where Captain Atom's cock was through his skin-tight uniform and wouldn't you know? It's been on his face the entire time!

Oh yeah, and apparently Jack O'Lantern was killed by The Doctor at Queen Bee's orders. Although I'm sure he was lying, probably saving him to experiment on, not realizing he was about to die himself.

Letters this month were from S.T. Cooper of Dublin, Ireland; Rene Stoops of The Netherlands; Pete Sidebotham of Cheshire, England; Mark T. of Houston, Texas; Jan C. Childress of Brooklyn, New York; Thom E. Lake of Pinole, California; Chris Hiebert of Hutchinson, Kansas; Mike Morrone of Midlothian, Illinois; and Russ Bedell of Glen Rock, Pennsylvania. Mark T. of Houston declares he only bought the comic book because of Bart Sears art which means I'm not sure I can take Mark seriously. I guess Mike is a huge fan of cock faces.

Justice League Europe #4 Rating: B. This was a decent superheroes infiltrating a foreign country story that just fell apart on the basis of Captain Atom's entire plan. The Justice League risked an international incident gambling on the fact that Queen Bee would stop picking on them when she realized they could beat her up any time they wanted to. Plus she's a terrorist loose cannon! The Justice League's whole plan was like putting The Club on your car's steering wheel: criminals could still steal your car but why not move on to an easier target?! So good luck, the rest of the world! At least Queen Bee won't be fucking with the JLE!