Justice League Europe #1 (1989)

Sorry to be pedantic but it's not really déjà vu when you're holding the thing that's obviously the source of the thing you have an overwhelming feeling has happened before.

This team is going to be so fantastic! They've got all the super-hero stereotypes: the guy in armor, the funny guy who can change shape, the other funny guy who can change shape, the reluctant hero, the woman with the big tits, the other woman with the big tits, and the new guy who's still trying to shake the reputation of how boring the old guy was. Oh, and Captain Atom. I think he's the guy with the atomic stick up his butt. Guaranteed he will be making zero jokes.

I've also just noticed this team has two brunettes (or would that be a brunet and a brunette? Does anybody fucking care?), two blondes, two gingers, and two guys with silver heads. Also Power Girl's hair is scaring me. In a different way than her tits are scaring me.

I dare you to find an opening shot of Paris in a DC comic book that doesn't include the Eiffel Tower. I'll fucking buy that comic off you for fifty bucks if you find one.

Captain Atom has taken on the mantle of leader of the European division of the Justice League. To remind everybody that their headquarters is in Paris, Captain Atom thinks, "In Paris yet!", while looking at the Eiffel Tower through the window. I can already tell I'm going to be fucking sick of seeing the Eiffel Tower in this comic book. I know he's the leader and all (because he just told me) but I hope I don't have to look at Captain Atom too much while reading this comic book. He's so disturbing! He's just a mass of too much muscle with a small little testicular shaped bulge in front and a bare if silver ass. By the look of him, I'm fairly certain he's either naked or covered in a thin layer of plutonium. Which means he's lost his dick somewhere. I'm not saying I want to see him walking around with his cock hanging out like Doctor Manhattan but I do think it would be far less disturbing than not having one.

Captain Atom meets Catherine Cobert, the Paris Embassy Chief. That means she's the equivalent of either Max Lord or Oberon. She's French which means she's super sexy and horny. All Parisian women are constantly horny because no matter where they look, they see the giant metal erection that's a symbol of their city.

Ralph and Sue Dibny arrive and I'm sorry to see Captain Atom's disturbing crotch and muscular ass leave the page as I'm forced to watch Ralph Dibny's disgusting six foot long neck wrap about Sue like an outtake from a Hentai cartoon. Ralph is grossing me out so badly that I'm going to go read Identity Crisis right now just to make him super sad.

I'm surprised Power Girl and Wonder Woman didn't rip off more dicks back in the day.

My joke about Wonder Woman and Power Girl simply being the big tits on the team was satire attacking the way comic books often depict women as simply male fantasies so stop calling my a hypocrite! As you can see from the way The Flash is portrayed, I was spot on with my satiric critique. And while you might just want to get angry at everything you read without actually thinking about it, blaming the writer for not make their statement clear, maybe try not being such a lazy reader! Or such an angry reader! You don't have to be instantly angry at something! That's what those asshole Comicsgaters do! I know you're full of youthful passions but maybe, just maybe, you can rein those passions in a bit before flying off the handle at everybody, just in case. I know there's a lot of clout to exposing allies on the Internet! But that's why all y'all angry youths get it wrong so often. Because you've got to be the first to "deconstruct" some ally's beliefs, causing you to miss subtle and hilarious critiques of pop culture like when I said Wonder Woman was just a pair of big tits!

Anyway, my main point is leave me alone! If you think I said something terrible, just re-read it while thinking, "This isn't so terrible. It's actually the opposite of terrible!" See? Now you understand me!

Animal Man and Rocket Red get to know each other on the way to the Embassy. They're both family men with wives and kids. How come Ralph gets to bring Sue to stay in the Embassy but they don't get to bring their families? I mean, other than Dmitri's family is stuck in the USSR and Buddy's wife probably has a job back in California. Isn't she a photographer or something? Been way too long since I read my Animal Man comics.

I think I had a caption for this but my cat, Gravy, is sitting four inches from my face and staring at me and it's freaking me out a bit..

The first meeting of the Justice League Europe and notice anything weird about the group (other than Animal Man trying to stare down Power Girl's top)? That's right! None of them feel like they need to use their powers in the meeting except for that disgusting Ralph Dibny! Nobody wants to see a five foot long neck! It's fucking gross!

Am I the only one who has an issue with Ralph's neck constantly elongated? It might be the childhood trauma I suffered from this picture:

I used to slowly flip through an old hardcover copy we had of Carroll's book until the pages would flop to this page. It would freak me out and I'd close the book and drop it quickly. But sooner or later, I'd be compelled to pick it up and have another look.

Another thing I used to do as a kid that would scare the shit out of me but I felt compelled to engage in the behavior anyway: I would stand out in the family driveway after dark with a flashlight and shine the light into the starry sky. I assumed something somewhere out in space could see the light and might follow it back to its source. My arms would erupt in gooseflesh and I'd flick the flashlight off and run inside before I could be abducted. But eventually, I'd find myself out in the driveway again, shining the flashlight into the sky while nearly shitting myself.

The teleporters in the Paris Embassy aren't working and they wind up frying Animal Man's luggage. At least I hope it was his luggage and not his little girl on a surprise visit. I bet Morrison suggested that so he could have some really great drama in his Animal Man series but editorial was all, "Are you fucking crazy?! We can't kill his daughter! Maybe his wife?"

In no time, the League has a mystery: a man drops dead in their lobby while looking for their help.

Goddammit Ralph! Just fucking walk around to the other side of the body like everybody else, you fucking freak!

I need to remind myself not to eat before reading another issue of this because my stomach seriously can't take all of this long neck business.

Power Girl quickly becomes my favorite member when she speaks truth to power:

Sue Dibny deserves to die for finding this shit cute.

Look, I like Sue Dibny! But she is going to die and there's nothing I can do about that! So I'm trying to come to terms with her death by convincing myself that she deserved it! And if loving Ralph Dibny isn't a sin, then what is?!

Oh, that's right. Wally West's attitude toward women is definitely one.

Was Wally's "I'm going to try as hard as I can to get into Wonder Woman's leotard" attitude funny in 1989? I don't have any memory of it so I'm thinking it was probably just a mundane comment. Just part of the normal workplace dialogue which women had to suffer through every single day. And if a woman said, "Hey, I don't appreciate that shit, buddy?", they were labeled uptight or a snob or frigid or a bitch. Because, of course, the guy didn't think of himself as a creep so how could his comment have been creepy? It was just some light-hearted flirtatious banter, you know?! Lighten up!

One thing I have noticed is that both Wonder Woman and Power Girl seem to simply ignore his lewd come-ons. I'm sure they've learned that to speak out is to face the passive-aggressive wrath of male coworkers who, limiting the ability for self-reflection, simply label them a humorless woman.

I can't scan every panel after the one with The Flash hitting on Wonder Woman but I assure you that nobody tells The Flash he's being a fucking lech.

Meanwhile, a mysterious man in a trench coat stands outside the Embassy and pushes the button on a small device. The device is a rectangular piece of metal with one red button and an antenna. If he's not opening a garage door, he's up to something terrible.

Not long after the button is pushed, an angry French mob rushes the Embassy, screaming something about Nazi pigs. Maybe they heard The Flash's comments and, even in France, they were just too sexist.

Captain Atom's first reaction is to irradiate (or disintegrate!) the mob.

The head on the end of the thirty foot neck yells to its teammates to not hurt anybody because they're civilians. Metamorpho complains that they might hurt him instead of, you know, turning into some kind of harmless gas that would put them all to sleep. He must know how to do that, right?! He's the element man! You'd have to be an expert on elements to have that job. Unlike me who would panic and think, "I don't know! Does krypton put people to sleep?!" Then I'd probably turn into boron and bleach everybody's hair.

I just pointed out that I wouldn't know what I'm doing as The Element Man so don't bother sending me a message about how boron wouldn't do that! How the fuck would I know?!

Shit. I might have accidentally poisoned them all but at least I'd be trying to do something!

Metamorpho has the power to subdue them chemically or to change into a cage to keep them from hurting themselves or others. Instead, he just decides to take a nap on their heads. At least Ralph is subduing people even if he's making me sick with his fifty foot long neck.

I guess Wonder Woman lost her lasso because she needs to use something else she just found lying around the place.

Oh god. That's Ralph's dick, isn't it?

Some of you might be thinking, "Why would you think that's a dick?" To which I'd answer, "Never you fucking mind."

Eventually, the civilians simply top being mind-controlled and confusedly go back to wherever they came from. Probably a café or a brothel. What else is there in Paris?

Captain Atom learns that the man who died in their lobby croaking out his last word of "Braces!" was a Nazi. And the French hate Nazis! Which means they should love the Justice League because the Nazi died in their embassy! But instead, they hate the Justice League because the Nazi went to them for help? I don't know exactly how it all works but the point, I think, is that somebody is trying to make the Justice League uncomfortable in Paris! How rude!

If I knew what super-villains were known for being rude and inconvenient, I'd take a guess at who was responsible. Maybe Mr. Nobody and the Brotherhood of Dada?! No, that would make this series way too interesting.

This first issue has some letters from people who decided to respond simply to the announcement that this comic book was coming out. They are from Buddy Ingram of Trussville, Alabama; Bill Froberg of Easton, Pennsylvania; and Michael Pickens of Newark, Ohio. I'd be surprised if any of them praise the letterer since they haven't even read this first issue. Although I wished that they had. Froberg takes comic books way too seriously and is all, "If you don't listen to my suggestions, I will not read more than three of your comics." And then Pickens is all, "You will have to come to terms with the point I am making in my letter or else nobody will read your book." Christ, chill out, my dudes! You might think you have reasonable and rational arguments but just remember that the subject of those arguments are people who absolutely defy reality and are illogical arguments all in themselves!

Justice League Europe #1 Rating: B. Not a bad start although it felt a little bit like the introductory paragraph in a high school essay that always explains that the writer is about to write an essay and could easily be dropped without changing the essay in any way. This issue was lots of moving into the Embassy and members meeting for the first time and The Flash nearly taking his dick out of his pants (or maybe he did but it was just too quick for anybody to see?). Their first encounter with a villain happens to be exactly the thing I hate about superhero comic books: the villain is targeting the heroes themselves. Which means the heroes, so far, aren't needed! If the villains are targeting the heroes then the heroes don't exist to save the world. They simply exist to save themselves. That bothers me way more than Ralph Dibny's elongated neck (which fucking bothers me to hell and back).