Where the fuck did The Huntress come from?
When we last left Justice League America, Big Barda had her Big Bang Stick stolen by some punk kid (the huge face on the cover. You know he's punk because of the nose ring and great teeth). Barda, Fire, and Mister Miracle had gone to find it. Somewhere along the way, they picked up The Huntress. Not last issue! That's apparently going to happen this issue. I feel like my aunt when we're watching a new movie and she can't help asking what's going on before anybody watching the same movie as her has any chance to know that. "Just keep reading," I tell my brain as my brain screams, "Why aren't you masturbating and/or petting the cat?!"
The art this issue is by Bill Willingham who is best known for all the drawings he did for Dungeons & Dragons. Unless he's best known for Fables. It's hard to tell when reality is primarily based on your own teenage nerd experiences.
The art this issue is by Bill Willingham who is best known for all the drawings he did for Dungeons & Dragons. Unless he's best known for Fables. It's hard to tell when reality is primarily based on your own teenage nerd experiences.
I scanned this page to point out that DeMatteis probably wanted the punk kid to shove the Megarod in a different orifice but then my thought process was derailed by boobies.
Can you imagine how much better society would be today without boobies and the constant derailing of thought processes? Or, to perceive things in a different way, what if our society was a matriarchy and men weren't constantly keeping women down so women couldn't come up with as much as they should have while making up for men with their booby habits. Although without the constant need to get laid but without adequate opportunity, we wouldn't have as many Gothic churches either. On yet another hand, without the constant need to get laid, we also wouldn't have so many modern incel manifestos. I guess those things don't have anything to do with boobies but what can I say? My mind has been derailed! It's going to take a few minutes before I can think logically again.
I was almost ready to start writing again and then I looked at how Fire's arm is resting between Barda's breasts and my brain went back on booby break. Also Mister Miracle is touching Barda's boob. Also that punk has a really solid grip on the Megarod.
This issue is called "Teenage Biker Mega-Death" so I guess that guy is a teenager.
I was almost ready to start writing again and then I looked at how Fire's arm is resting between Barda's breasts and my brain went back on booby break. Also Mister Miracle is touching Barda's boob. Also that punk has a really solid grip on the Megarod.
This issue is called "Teenage Biker Mega-Death" so I guess that guy is a teenager.
Pretty much my brain/penis interaction right now.
Don't look too closely at the Megarod in that last scan or you might be offended, especially if you don't like looking at dicks.
When I was younger, I'm sure I read this and cackled about how naive DeMatties and Giffen were. Now I realize they were probably cackling about how naïve their editors were for letting this through.
The punk kid teleports to New York to finish some gangland turf war with his new weapon. That's where The Huntress comes in! Because she's currently prowling the city with her crossbow when she sees a Megarod blast off in the distance. And since the panels where she first confronts the kid have both a man rubbing his penis and a bare lady buttcheek, guess what I'm scanning now!
I mean, um, were the editors asleep? Did "Make Sure Nothing Comes Off as Sexual Editors" not exist in 1989?!
I know those kinds of editors existed around that time because didn't Simon Bisley get blacklisted by DC Comics for drawing a penis in Lobo's arm in a Lobo's Back cover? Maybe they just got lucky when they saw that one. You know what I mean by lucky. I wish I had seen it. I mean, I own the comic. But I promised my mom I wouldn't look at the cover.
Mister Miracle, Fire, and Big Barda show up to keep Huntress from getting killed. She needs the help! The Huntress is just a Batman-wannabe with a crossbow and no line she won't cross. I guess she could get lucky and put a bolt through the kid's neck but I'm betting the Megarod would keep him safe from such a childish toy. Unless it's because it's such a childish toy that it's the only thing that will hurt him!
Mister Miracle, Fire, and Big Barda show up to keep Huntress from getting killed. She needs the help! The Huntress is just a Batman-wannabe with a crossbow and no line she won't cross. I guess she could get lucky and put a bolt through the kid's neck but I'm betting the Megarod would keep him safe from such a childish toy. Unless it's because it's such a childish toy that it's the only thing that will hurt him!
Twelve cops dead because Barda didn't keep her Megarod safe? Don't worry. Nobody will even broach the subject that these lives are on Barda's head.
You need the mind of a libertarian to fully enjoy superhero comic books. Just remember that when somebody dies, the blame always falls on the bad guy who may or may not have instigated the situation. It doesn't matter if the people died because a hero left their weapon unguarded. Or The Joker was personally attacking Batman. Or a family member of the Teen Titans was trying to kill one of them at their base which they decided should be right in the center of a populated urban area. Also remember that anybody who doesn't wind up dead was saved by the superhero, even if Lex Luthor murdered a dozen people simply to lure Superman into a trap. It's never, ever the hero's fault! Kind of like when a cop runs over five children while chasing somebody for a minor traffic violation. All the blame goes on the person who committed the violation! That's libertarian logic!
Try to remember that a libertarian is just an authoritarian who wants to be thought of as open-minded and logical.
The punk puts down Mister Miracle and Big Barda and then kills another dozen or so cops. He's also killed all his friends and fellow gang members. But it's not his fault! He's possessed by the rod! This is like the end of Cujo where, after a hundred or more pages he taught you to fear and hate this monster dog, Stephen King changes his tune and is all, "Don't blame the widdle doggy, you judgmental jerk! He was just trying to be a good boy! He only wanted to please his people! But rabies made him do bad things. Blame the rabies and not the poor widdle puppy dawg!" Which is why Mister Miracle doesn't want Barda to kill the punk even though Barda probably should have killed the punk. Because she didn't kill him, a dozen more cops are now dead. And from the looks of it, the punk is going to waste away from using the Megarod. But at least that will mean Barda and Scott and Fire have clean hands! Although if The Huntress kills him, that'll be okay because remember how I said there are no lines she won't cross? I was talking about murder when I said that and not butt stuff.
Try to remember that a libertarian is just an authoritarian who wants to be thought of as open-minded and logical.
The punk puts down Mister Miracle and Big Barda and then kills another dozen or so cops. He's also killed all his friends and fellow gang members. But it's not his fault! He's possessed by the rod! This is like the end of Cujo where, after a hundred or more pages he taught you to fear and hate this monster dog, Stephen King changes his tune and is all, "Don't blame the widdle doggy, you judgmental jerk! He was just trying to be a good boy! He only wanted to please his people! But rabies made him do bad things. Blame the rabies and not the poor widdle puppy dawg!" Which is why Mister Miracle doesn't want Barda to kill the punk even though Barda probably should have killed the punk. Because she didn't kill him, a dozen more cops are now dead. And from the looks of it, the punk is going to waste away from using the Megarod. But at least that will mean Barda and Scott and Fire have clean hands! Although if The Huntress kills him, that'll be okay because remember how I said there are no lines she won't cross? I was talking about murder when I said that and not butt stuff.
"Your weapon is such a joke, The Huntress, that you've saved the day! Just like Green Arrow! Or Aquaman!"
The Huntress shoots the punk in the wrist so that he drops the Megarod which hits the ground, goes off, and blows his head off. Mister Miracle is all, "No! I wanted to save him! Even though, just a few panels ago, I said, 'He's already dead. He just doesn't know it yet!'" So see? All those extra cops died because Mister Miracle didn't want any of them to "cross a line." I guess the Trolley Problem doesn't exist in the DC Universe.
Mister Miracle accepts that the punk's death is an accident but The Huntress is all, "Ha ha. Yeah. Accident! Right." Not having a penis, her lie is not uncovered due to her raging murder boner.
Later, nobody mentions how this entire thing is Barda's fault for leaving a dangerous weapon of Apokolips lying around where any old car thief could get their hands on it. Max is only interested in recruiting The Huntress for the team even though she's a loner and definitely wouldn't want to be somewhere where The Batman could find her. But Max Lord has powers like that guy in Firestarter and he psychically convinces her to join. So I guess she's the new Black Canary!
Oh yeah, I'm definitely done reading the letters! I thought it might be interesting to list the names of all the people who keep writing in but, like every other thing in my life, I grew bored of it. I barely even want to grade these comics! But that feels kind of necessary since these "reviews" are barely even reviews. At least the grades make them seem like they could be!
Justice League America #30 Rating: D. Getting a below-average grade doesn't mean the comic book wasn't enjoyable or boring. I actually kind of liked the character interactions this issue. But I can't give the Justice League of America a good grade when two dozen cops and several teenagers were killed because Big Barda couldn't be bothered to lock up her Megarod. And then Max Lord mentally rapes The Huntress, forcing her to join the League. A super hero team should actually act like super heroes before I give them a passing grade!
Mister Miracle accepts that the punk's death is an accident but The Huntress is all, "Ha ha. Yeah. Accident! Right." Not having a penis, her lie is not uncovered due to her raging murder boner.
Later, nobody mentions how this entire thing is Barda's fault for leaving a dangerous weapon of Apokolips lying around where any old car thief could get their hands on it. Max is only interested in recruiting The Huntress for the team even though she's a loner and definitely wouldn't want to be somewhere where The Batman could find her. But Max Lord has powers like that guy in Firestarter and he psychically convinces her to join. So I guess she's the new Black Canary!
Oh yeah, I'm definitely done reading the letters! I thought it might be interesting to list the names of all the people who keep writing in but, like every other thing in my life, I grew bored of it. I barely even want to grade these comics! But that feels kind of necessary since these "reviews" are barely even reviews. At least the grades make them seem like they could be!
Justice League America #30 Rating: D. Getting a below-average grade doesn't mean the comic book wasn't enjoyable or boring. I actually kind of liked the character interactions this issue. But I can't give the Justice League of America a good grade when two dozen cops and several teenagers were killed because Big Barda couldn't be bothered to lock up her Megarod. And then Max Lord mentally rapes The Huntress, forcing her to join the League. A super hero team should actually act like super heroes before I give them a passing grade!
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