The line Batman won't cross is about to get some more people killed.
That was just a joke! I'm not one of those pseudo-alpha comic book reading cucks who believe Batman would be a better character if he killed people! Although I am one of those knows-I'm-beta-and-not-upset-by-it-at-all alphas who believe Superman should never throw a punch. Why should he?! He's fucking Superman! Didn't his parents teach him to never punch a human because he will not just kill that human but pulverize them into unrecognizability?! Shouldn't that have been a scene in the Chris Reeves' movie? "Son, just remember that if you punch the school bully, your fist will go straight through his face and Ma will be washing brains out of your overalls for the next three weeks. Just let the bully punch you until he's tired and all his fingers are broken and maybe give set the seeds for Leukemia in twenty years by overdosing him with your X-ray vision. What I'm saying, son, is maybe be a bit more subtle?"
I understand why Batman punches bullies nearly to death. Because his father never had a chance to deliver that lesson. He was just all, "Hey, son! This bit where this guy is robbing us at gunpoint reminds me of a lesson I've yet to teach you about systemic bias and generational poverty and violence born out of desperate need. I'll teach you when we get home!" And then Batman spent eight years sitting in an armchair trying to figure out what that lesson might have been when a bat smashed through the window, scared the shit out of him, and he came up with his own lesson: "Criminals are a superstitious lot!" I don't know how he got that message out of the bat. Maybe it was carrying a religious pamphlet.
What I'm trying to say is that The Joker is still alive because too many people believe in the power of redemption. Why else would they just lock him away? If he can't be redeemed and he constantly breaks free from Arkham and his body count is in the six, maybe seven, digits, wouldn't any rational person believe euthanasia was in order? I'm anti-death penalty but, I mean, come on! If Jesus and his disciples had stumbled upon a bunch of Gothamites stoning the fuck out of The Joker, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have been all, "Hey, you've all been given second and third chances and, hopefully, come out better people, redeemed and more Godly. Maybe stop trying to kill this person and let them have a chance at redemption too?" He probably would have just looked the other way and been all, "No white-faced asshole in a purple suit being murdered by the general populace to see here, guys. Let's go see if I can raise the dead!"
Our Annual begins, as not all annuals do, with Colonel Rumaan (unless it's Rumann? I'm too lazy to turn the page back over) Harjarvti (unless that's also spelled differently. Remember: lazy) is rummaging through what I suspect is Maxwell Lord's exploded office (How? Why? I don't know if I should remember. I really don't where in time this Annual takes place) as The Joker walks in on him.
I understand why Batman punches bullies nearly to death. Because his father never had a chance to deliver that lesson. He was just all, "Hey, son! This bit where this guy is robbing us at gunpoint reminds me of a lesson I've yet to teach you about systemic bias and generational poverty and violence born out of desperate need. I'll teach you when we get home!" And then Batman spent eight years sitting in an armchair trying to figure out what that lesson might have been when a bat smashed through the window, scared the shit out of him, and he came up with his own lesson: "Criminals are a superstitious lot!" I don't know how he got that message out of the bat. Maybe it was carrying a religious pamphlet.
What I'm trying to say is that The Joker is still alive because too many people believe in the power of redemption. Why else would they just lock him away? If he can't be redeemed and he constantly breaks free from Arkham and his body count is in the six, maybe seven, digits, wouldn't any rational person believe euthanasia was in order? I'm anti-death penalty but, I mean, come on! If Jesus and his disciples had stumbled upon a bunch of Gothamites stoning the fuck out of The Joker, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have been all, "Hey, you've all been given second and third chances and, hopefully, come out better people, redeemed and more Godly. Maybe stop trying to kill this person and let them have a chance at redemption too?" He probably would have just looked the other way and been all, "No white-faced asshole in a purple suit being murdered by the general populace to see here, guys. Let's go see if I can raise the dead!"
Our Annual begins, as not all annuals do, with Colonel Rumaan (unless it's Rumann? I'm too lazy to turn the page back over) Harjarvti (unless that's also spelled differently. Remember: lazy) is rummaging through what I suspect is Maxwell Lord's exploded office (How? Why? I don't know if I should remember. I really don't where in time this Annual takes place) as The Joker walks in on him.
Oof. In my head, I can hear Michael Kors tearing The Joker a new asshole for this get-up. He'd definitely mention the moose-knuckle.
Luckily all the pseudo-alpha cucks stopped reading this review when I called them pseudo-alpha cucks or else they'd be thinking, "Who the fuck is Michael Kors?!" Okay, so maybe even some of you regular cucks are also thinking that. It can't be helped! Sometimes writers know about things the readers don't (and, quite often, they just pretend to!). Do you think I understood everything I read in Gravity's Rainbow? Oh, you do? Well thank you! That's very flattering!
Rumaan asks The Joker how he knows Bialyan (the language they're speaking! It's entirely made up. Um, like most languages? I meant this language doesn't actually exist) and The Joker replies that it was from night classes in Arkham. His name is The Joker so you can probably assume he's joking and that they don't actually have night classes at the most hardcore insane asylum in the DC Universe. Although now that I say that, I've developed a nagging image of Killer Croc doing pottery. Is that something I once read or am I having a stroke? Is that a symptom of a stroke? Imagining comic book panels? Judging by all of my knowledge of medicine gained by watching House, I have to believe it is.
Rumaan was after Lord's rolodex to discover the people he is close to so that he might learn more about the Justice League. The Joker wants the rolodex to maybe learn Batman's secret identity.
Rumaan asks The Joker how he knows Bialyan (the language they're speaking! It's entirely made up. Um, like most languages? I meant this language doesn't actually exist) and The Joker replies that it was from night classes in Arkham. His name is The Joker so you can probably assume he's joking and that they don't actually have night classes at the most hardcore insane asylum in the DC Universe. Although now that I say that, I've developed a nagging image of Killer Croc doing pottery. Is that something I once read or am I having a stroke? Is that a symptom of a stroke? Imagining comic book panels? Judging by all of my knowledge of medicine gained by watching House, I have to believe it is.
Rumaan was after Lord's rolodex to discover the people he is close to so that he might learn more about the Justice League. The Joker wants the rolodex to maybe learn Batman's secret identity.
What makes The Joker think he can kill Batman when Batman isn't being Batman?! He's still Batman! He's still going to kick The Joker's ass!
As we have now learned, The Joker is not smart at all. First off, he thinks by catching Batman out of uniform, he'll be able to kill him. I mean, I sort of get this because The Joker must think all of Batman's tricks are in his utility belt and what good will he be in a fight without it? And it's not like Batman would be wearing it secretly under his casual attire, right?! Second off, The Joker doesn't believe in God? In the DC Universe where Gods interfere all the time?! He really is crazy!
Meanwhile, the Justice League is having a barbecue at Scott Free and Barda's place. I think it might just be an excuse to look at Barda's ass.
Meanwhile, the Justice League is having a barbecue at Scott Free and Barda's place. I think it might just be an excuse to look at Barda's ass.
What is it about Ben-Day dots that make me so horny? Probably because they (and the dark hair (and the ass)) remind me of Veronica from Archie Comics.
Fire and Ice (currently still Green Flame and Ice Maiden) skip the barbecue to audition to be models. On the way out of the JLI door, Fire kisses Oberon on the head and he comes in his pants and passes out.
Bill Willingham doesn't depict the stain on his pants but everything else he depicts point to there being one.
As you can see from the image above, I'm only on page 5. I should probably stop getting distracted by all the moose-knuckle, ass, and orgasms.
Booster Gold and Blue Beetle are checking out the JLI embassy in Paris. I don't Justice League Europe officially begins for another six months or so which means this might be the first mention of it? Again, who knows since I haven't done any research to figure out exactly when the first annual came out. I'm probably reading it a bit late, actually.
Apparently Booster and Beetle have gone broke. I don't think I ever read the standalone Blue Beetle comic book so I don't know what happened with him and his abundance of riches. And while I did read some of Booster Gold's comic book (re-read it fairly recently, even!), I don't remember much of it. But Booster Gold is kind of a dimwit so he probably lost it in a bad investment which he talked Blue Beetle into joining with him. But since they're low on cash, they take up a new job repossessing vehicles from people who have gotten behind in their loan payments. That sounds like a perfect opportunity for Giffen and DeMatteis to drop Repo Man quotes!
There's a scene to remind the reader that Martian Manhunter and Rocket Red are in the League. And then it's back to the best barbecue ever!
Booster Gold and Blue Beetle are checking out the JLI embassy in Paris. I don't Justice League Europe officially begins for another six months or so which means this might be the first mention of it? Again, who knows since I haven't done any research to figure out exactly when the first annual came out. I'm probably reading it a bit late, actually.
Apparently Booster and Beetle have gone broke. I don't think I ever read the standalone Blue Beetle comic book so I don't know what happened with him and his abundance of riches. And while I did read some of Booster Gold's comic book (re-read it fairly recently, even!), I don't remember much of it. But Booster Gold is kind of a dimwit so he probably lost it in a bad investment which he talked Blue Beetle into joining with him. But since they're low on cash, they take up a new job repossessing vehicles from people who have gotten behind in their loan payments. That sounds like a perfect opportunity for Giffen and DeMatteis to drop Repo Man quotes!
There's a scene to remind the reader that Martian Manhunter and Rocket Red are in the League. And then it's back to the best barbecue ever!
Oh yeah! Just look at those thick Ben-Day dots!
Don't get too excited. That "FWOOOP" sound effect wasn't Barda farting. It was Guy Gardner blowing his face off helping Mister Miracle build the grill. The Green Lantern Ring's passive protection ability keeps him from dying while it rebuilds the skin on his head.
I just glanced at the cover again in a moment of total boredom and realized I didn't discuss the whole "Private Lines" thing! Maybe because I don't know much about it. But I think it was DC dipping their toe in the idea of themed Annual events. This one doesn't have all the Annuals tie in with any of the other Annuals but I think more than just Justice League International had a "Private Lives" Annual. Like maybe there was one about Bruce Wayne getting laid on a nightly basis while Alfred lays out condoms for him at breakfast. Or maybe one of Clark Kent trying to perfect his trip and fall move so that nobody would suspect he could be Superman even though he looks exactly like him and is way more muscular than anybody would rightly expect of a huge nerd. This one just shows Fire and Ice trying to model, Booster and Beetle trying to make a little money by moonlighting shit jobs, Guy and Scott doing something around Barda's sweet ass, and J'onn and Dmitri going on a shopping trip in Little Odessa. Obviously none of that is exciting enough for a comic (other than Barda's ass) so while they're all doing these things, The Joker is trying to kill them. Unless it's not The Joker. I mean, he's not really acting like The Joker. He hasn't killed a single henchman in twenty pages! He seems like he might be Batman in disguise trying to pretend he's crazy so that he can catch Rumaan Harjarvti doing some illegal shit on American soil.
But even The Joker isn't enough drama to spice up this Annual. So Booster discovers one of his arch-enemies, The 1000, are behind stealing a Star Labs tank that they're trying to repossess for them.
I just glanced at the cover again in a moment of total boredom and realized I didn't discuss the whole "Private Lines" thing! Maybe because I don't know much about it. But I think it was DC dipping their toe in the idea of themed Annual events. This one doesn't have all the Annuals tie in with any of the other Annuals but I think more than just Justice League International had a "Private Lives" Annual. Like maybe there was one about Bruce Wayne getting laid on a nightly basis while Alfred lays out condoms for him at breakfast. Or maybe one of Clark Kent trying to perfect his trip and fall move so that nobody would suspect he could be Superman even though he looks exactly like him and is way more muscular than anybody would rightly expect of a huge nerd. This one just shows Fire and Ice trying to model, Booster and Beetle trying to make a little money by moonlighting shit jobs, Guy and Scott doing something around Barda's sweet ass, and J'onn and Dmitri going on a shopping trip in Little Odessa. Obviously none of that is exciting enough for a comic (other than Barda's ass) so while they're all doing these things, The Joker is trying to kill them. Unless it's not The Joker. I mean, he's not really acting like The Joker. He hasn't killed a single henchman in twenty pages! He seems like he might be Batman in disguise trying to pretend he's crazy so that he can catch Rumaan Harjarvti doing some illegal shit on American soil.
But even The Joker isn't enough drama to spice up this Annual. So Booster discovers one of his arch-enemies, The 1000, are behind stealing a Star Labs tank that they're trying to repossess for them.
Ha ha! "Nortorious!" The Letterer fucked up! *sigh* It would be way more fun pointing it out if I bothered to learn the names of any DC letterers.
The riskiest part of Booster and Beetle's repo job is when Beetle uses the word "FLICKS" in comic book dialogue! After managing to not have the ink on the "L" and the "I" bleed together, Beetle and Booster also evade The 1000's guards and The Joker's car bomb.
The Joker finally kills a henchman. That means he either really is The Joker or Batman's lost himself in the disguise.
The Joker finally kills a henchman. That means he either really is The Joker or Batman's lost himself in the disguise.
That's two people who have jizzed their pants this issue.
The Joker kills a second of Harjarvti's men after he fails to shoot Fire in the head while she sucks on a hot dog. Dammit! Now three people have jizzed in their pants!
Luckily I wear plastic underwear since I never know when a kink is going to overwhelm me. Mmm, Brazilians eating hot dogs just before they get shot in the head! Dammit! I should change before continuing.
Okay, where were we? Barda's asshole, I think? Oh no. The Joker was killing people. I think 95% of the time you're interrupted while reading a DC Comic and then go back to it and think, "Where was I?", the answer is "Oh yeah. The Joker was killing people."
The Joker learns about Scott Free and Barda's asshole's picnic so I'm already imagining all the crazy shenanigans that are going to take place! Explosions! Poison gas! Death and mayhem! Ha ha! This comic book is so funny!
Finally, everybody arrives at the barbecue and it's a hoot!
Luckily I wear plastic underwear since I never know when a kink is going to overwhelm me. Mmm, Brazilians eating hot dogs just before they get shot in the head! Dammit! I should change before continuing.
Okay, where were we? Barda's asshole, I think? Oh no. The Joker was killing people. I think 95% of the time you're interrupted while reading a DC Comic and then go back to it and think, "Where was I?", the answer is "Oh yeah. The Joker was killing people."
The Joker learns about Scott Free and Barda's asshole's picnic so I'm already imagining all the crazy shenanigans that are going to take place! Explosions! Poison gas! Death and mayhem! Ha ha! This comic book is so funny!
Finally, everybody arrives at the barbecue and it's a hoot!
I'm fairly certain Guy Gardner was some kind of all-state quarterback so he definitely meant to hit Oberon in the head. He might be faking nice by this point.
In a few panels, Guy apologizes to Oberon (by name even! He doesn't call him "shorty" or any other insulting thing which half the League wind up doing without thinking anything of it, the bastards!) but Oberon, like me, isn't fooled! Guy did it on purpose!
The Joker shows up, steals the Star Labs tank to blow up the League, and finds himself attack by The 1000. It's the kind of comedy of errors that coined the term "comedy of errors." Unless Shakespeare's play didn't involve a barbecue, a tank, The Joker, and a league of criminal miscreants. I think maybe Shakespeare only had two out four of those in his play.
Barda gets pissed that her sanctuary has been breached by Justice League nonsense and takes things into her own hands the way any self-respecting New God would. Thank goodness! Because that means another shot of her bum!
The Joker shows up, steals the Star Labs tank to blow up the League, and finds himself attack by The 1000. It's the kind of comedy of errors that coined the term "comedy of errors." Unless Shakespeare's play didn't involve a barbecue, a tank, The Joker, and a league of criminal miscreants. I think maybe Shakespeare only had two out four of those in his play.
Barda gets pissed that her sanctuary has been breached by Justice League nonsense and takes things into her own hands the way any self-respecting New God would. Thank goodness! Because that means another shot of her bum!
I'm not worried that all of this obsessing over Barda's ass will paint me as a typical horny comic book loser because how can anybody admit to not appreciating that butt?
Before Barda ends the battle and The Joker surrenders, Beetle puts out an emergency call to Batman on the Justice League beeper. Batman comes driving up, sees The Joker, and says, "I'm not dealing with this today!", and drives off! What the fuck, Batman?! Your team needed your help! Against your most deadly foe! And you just drive off rather than helping?! What a fucking piece of shit. No wonder a large section of "serious-minded" comic book fans hated this run of the Justice League. I'm starting to suspect stupid sixteen year old me was stupid! Although this is an Annual. Who reads Annuals?! If Giffen and DeMatteis want to play The Joker for slapstick laughs, it's not like many people probably even noticed. Which is why DC Comics, the year after "Personal Lives," decided to tie all the Annuals into a larger story. To get more people to actually buy the stupid things!
There's a meme of the animated Joker seemingly wearing kitten-heeled pumps. Well, here's more proof that he loves them high-heeled shoes! And terrible 80s pants. And awful color combinations. And shoulder pads (on a trench?!). Where is Michael Kors when you need him?!
Justice League Annual #2 Rating: Um, I don't rate Annuals! It's a long-standing policy to not rate Annuals! Hell, most of the time, I don't even read the fucking things!
I just checked to see if I rated the first Annual to see if anybody could call me a hypocrite and was pleasantly surprised to see that I basically rated the first one the same way I rated this one. Also I laughed at my caption on the final picture. What a pervert I've always been!
I just checked to see if I rated the first Annual to see if anybody could call me a hypocrite and was pleasantly surprised to see that I basically rated the first one the same way I rated this one. Also I laughed at my caption on the final picture. What a pervert I've always been!
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