Elongated Man: Europe '92 #4 (April 1992)

Sonar trapped in Ralph's bunghole.

So far I've enjoyed this series but I'm also sort of glad it's over. I don't imagine Elongated Man could make four issues interesting without Sue Dibny, and I don't think Sue can carry much more than four. She's adorable and all but she's still married to the nose twitcher. And Sonar?! Please. Why'd I even mention him? Never more than an F-tier Green Lantern foe, he's only elevated in this series because his cohorts are all ridiculous foods from various European countries. Sadly, no villain based on a Communion Wafer attacks any of the conferences.

Last issue ended with Ralph being stalked by the Wurstwaffe, a mob of German supervillains that dress like sausages. This issue begins with them beating him senseless with a massive German penis.

I just wanted to show the German guy's cock. Dibny's head is way too far out of frame.

These German chodes reveling in violence remind me of some certain half a country of people but I just can't put my non-American-Nazi finger on it.

Each member of the Wurstwaffe's personality is based on the type of sausage they are. Bloodwurst makes people bleed by killing them. Weisswurst is a white guy who is shocked at the violence of the others for some reason. Leberwurst is, um, alive? Like a "liver," a person who lives? No? Knockwurst knocks people's heads together. Bratwurst whines. I think that's all the types of sausage there are. I suppose I just don't get some of the German-to-English punning, or I'm missing some literary trope because why is Liverwurst such a mother figure to the group? I get why they all hate him because Leberwurst sounds gross. But why does he always do everything for everybody? Oh! Is that because the liver is the workhorse of all the organs? But then why is Weisswurst such a Goddamn pussy? Does "white" imply "innocent and naïve" here?

After defeating the Wurstwaffe, Ralph learns who's behind the attacks on the European ambassadors.

You'll wait until Sue saves the day?

Sonar reveals to Sue how he tricked the Justice League into believing he was imprisoned by sending over a drunk Sonar look-a-like with substandard weapons. But his plan worked so well that Bito was left insulted by their belief that Sonar was such an incompetent asshole. That just expresses the importance of branding. You don't name yourself "Sonar" while using sonic weapons and think you're going to be the next villain to stymie every hero in the DC Universe during a big summer Annual event. At best, Sonar is just Count Vertigo with a worse name; at worst, he's just a toddler making a racket with his noisy toys.

Sue tries to piss him off by sarcastically asking him if he keeps the people of his country away from outsiders so nobody could see how happy they are.

Ouch, Bito. Not now, man.

Don't worry if that caption doesn't make sense to you. You just read this post divorced from the context of the day it was written.

Bito explains that he keeps the population of Modora away from technology so that things don't ride mankind and whatnot. He also points out that nobody in Europe believes in a superior race. Except for Bito. He still believes because he believes he is superior. Being that he's gone off on this Nazi tangent, Sue decides to do the right thing.

Saving the world one punch at a time.

Sue's act of defiance lights a fire under the people of Modora who begin a secret campaign to revolt. They fear they can't count on outside help since Modora is separated from the rest of Europe by a large mountain range and Archduke Bito's sonar technology blocks all forms of communication from entering or leaving the country. Little do they know, a hero has just parachuted into their country using his body as a parachute after stealing airfare from an airline flying between Berlin and Athens. These heroes really just do whatever they want, don't they?

I'm not against the heroes doing whatever they want! I trust they'll use their outrageous powers for the common good because of the pretext that I'm reading about their exploits in a comic book from 1992 when comic books still pretty much cared about heroes being heroic. But if Elongated Man were real, I wouldn't trust the fuck out of him. Although if Elongated Man were real then Sue Dibny would be too and, well, that's pretty hot.

The Modorans shoot Ralph out of the sky and he's knocked silly by the fall. But not killed! I knew he was invulnerable. I wonder if being invulnerable also means you can't get Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy? Imagine how punch drunk Ralph would be, well on his way to more serious brain issues. He's already been concussed about ten times in just the last few days alone.

Ralph uses a herd of sheep on the ground to help him escape the Modoran military when they come looking for him.

This is a clever way to make a joke about the sheepherder fucking his sheep because the Comics Code Authority can't refute that this kid just names his sheep after their wool styles.

This entire series has been way more horny than it has any right to be. I suppose the title Elongated Man just sets the tone for loads and loads of sex jokes. Plus his wife is super horny.

The people of Modora nurse Ralph back to health in the few minutes they're given before the army breaks down the door where they're keeping Ralph. Ralph escapes out the chimney which must never be used because he doesn't wind up looking like a frat guy on Halloween who doesn't give a shit about social norms or historic context and believes speech is free for everybody except people who might criticize his ignorant choice of costume.

Ralph heads to Bito's castle to save Sue but she's already saved herself. So instead, he gets into a fist fight with Bito who, obviously, explains his entire plan. It's not that complicated. He just loved getting rich selling weapons to various European countries and knew he'd sell way less weapons of war with a united Europe. Did he not think, "Maybe I can sell other shit? Like Modoran Beats Headphones? Or Surround Sound Stereo set-ups? Why does everything have to be about war and fighting? Why are so many people so fucking angry all of the time?

This isn't about me! I'm not really angry all the time anyway! I'm just being hyperbolic for the LOLs! Stop fucking critiquing me! I critique you!

Nobody even waffles. They fucking hate Sonar, don't they?

Once the people revolt, Bito stops fighting. He refuses to raise a weapon against his people, seeing them as innocent waifs corrupted by the outside world. He flees to defeat the world later in an arc over in Justice League Europe later. For now, Sue and Ralph simply finish their vacation in the quaint country of Modora while completely forgetting about the European Union because boring.

Elongated Man: Europe '92 #4 Rating: A. Sue saves the day, just like we all knew Sue would. It's a trope as old as The Bible where the main hero/detective must win the day but they're kind of incompetent so their right hand man/woman/cat/dog does all the work to make sure that the villain/Son of God is apprehended and brought to justice. But the brains behind the mystery solving is seldom as sexy and horny and flirtatious as the one in this story. Sue Dibny just steals this entire narrative. That's probably why Sue and Ralph are such an iconic couple in the DC Universe. Because alone, Ralph Dibny is annoying. But with Sue at his side, they become a comedy pair and an example of a couple who really care about each other (even if one of them is fucking disgusting. How does Sue get it up after seeing what Ralph can do with that neck? I suppose it's because she also gets to see what Ralph does with his penis and ass sphincter). Overall, good book. Good story. Great fucking art. And only whatever children Gerard Jones victimized while writing this were hurt! Hmm, that's not actually a good trade-off, is it? Forget I even mentioned Gerard Jones' criminal hobbyhorse which he was ultimately convicted of so I can mention it without fear of legal action! Hopefully after Mosaic, I won't have much more of Gerard Jones's work to read.

Elongated Man: Europe '92 #3 (March 1992)

From Copperhead's Who's Who entry: "Weaknesses: nausea inducing carnival rides."

If Elongated Man accidentally kills Copperhead this issue, the Italian courts will not find him guilty because his defense is "My wife is off fucking an Archduke." In Italy, if your spouse fucks a royal from any country, you're allowed one free murder (two if they're small). The Flash, on the other hand, isn't allowed any free murders so punching a guy in the face while running at superspeed is a huge risk.

Wait, Ralph. Why? Does Wally West hate Italians?!

I would think, statistically, The Flash would be the guy you'd most expect to bump into anywhere in the world. Being he's practically the only one who can be anywhere at anytime for any reason and not because he's such a huge fan of traveling abroad and learning about other cultures. Does The Flash need a passport or am I just asking ridiculous questions now? Obviously, he's a masked vigilante! Certain laws can never apply to you if nobody knows who you really are. Like, um, most of them, I guess! Shit. Are superheroes the baddies?

I didn't know Wally West was gay.

I don't think Wally is gay because he'd rather be at somebody else's wedding. Not even gay people probably love that. I think he's gay because he has such a close relationship with his mother that he wants to help her get in her dress! Weird. Maybe I shouldn't have said gay; maybe what I meant was incestuous.

Wally informs Ralph that he's here in Italy because Sue called him. Sue must have seen some news footage of Trampolina with Ralph in the background sticking both of his eyeballs out about five feet and screaming, "Ayoooogah!", while clapping his hands which he stretched to look like seal fins.

Things I have learned from this mini-series: Wally West is from Nebraska. Ralph Dibny is from Nebraska. Sue Dibny's private parts are constantly steaming hot and throbbing.

Who would have ever thought I'd be nostalgic for a time when Europe was trying to form a peaceful coalition of countries working together instead of everybody being right wing fucking bastards who just want to split and divide and act like assholes.

I was probably paying so little attention to European politics in 1992 that I barely understood what was going on in this comic book. In winter of 1992, I was probably most concerned with how to ditch the woman who took my virginity because I wanted to sit in my basement and play Apple IIe games and she wanted to, you know, do stuff. And I don't just mean sex stuff! I mean like go out to eat. Or go to the boardwalk. Or hang out with friends! She was so needy with all of her normal person, mundane desires!

I can't believe she wanted to fuck me! Such a loser! I mean me, not her!

Oh wait. I got the dates wrong. That was 1991 when I was trying to ditch her! In '92, I was trying to ditch the woman who began fucking me while I was sleeping! Although she was pretty easy to ditch because she knew what she had done!

I was just re-watching Peep Show recently and had forgotten that Mark had the same thing happen to him! But he felt a bit weirder about it because he was dreaming about his mother when he woke up to being fucked. I don't remember what I was dreaming. Probably something about me being at a party and shoving my dick in the oysters.

Ralph questions Calamari who reveals that somebody calling themselves the "Friend of Eurocrime" sent out some messages about how Europe will be harder to do crimes in if the Union happens. So all the criminals who are as dumb as the average conservative American who fell for that shit and began attacking the conferences and ambassadors to get them to stop. But Calamari decides to quit because he didn't realize he'd have to battle The Flash!

Meanwhile in Modora, Sue makes an excuse so she doesn't have to get to know Bito any better over wine and a nice cozy fire. It seems he's not as charming as he thought he was. So now he just has to eavesdrop on her all night. What a creep.

Wally West gives Ralph some last minute advice before running back to Nebraska to catch his mother's wedding.

The Pied Piper knows what's up. I'm surprised Wally listened to him.

Ralph already suspected the American ambassador because he's a huge chud. But he was so eager to blame everything on the guy Sue is hot for that he didn't trust his feelings. Sure, we all know his jealous feelings are the feelings pointing toward the correct leader of these assassination attempts. But it wouldn't be a mystery without a number of suspects! And, what do I know? Maybe it is the American chud! I've never been good at solving mysteries even though I read loads of Alfred Hitchcock books and magazines as a kid!

Sue's beginning to long for Ralph to be by her side as the shine begins wearing off of Bito's archdukiness and his good manners and his charming personality and his deep, deep pockets. But it doesn't last long before she's hopped up and ready to hop some other man.

Oooh! Stanford! A fancy lad!

I know Sue is just being friendly. I'm not one of those guys who thinks just because a woman is nice to me it means she's interested. Hell, a woman can practically put her hand down the front of the pants and I wouldn't think she's interested! I mean, I'd figure it out pretty quickly in that case. But mostly I'm pretty fucking blind to it.

Sue fishes about for some information about Modora from this young engineer working at the Institute of Loud Sounds. But he quickly realizes he's going to get himself in trouble, what with all of the technology in the place being built around sound probably meaning everything has a microphone in it. Which it does. He takes off before he reveals something that might make Sonar disappear him.

"Away" is bolded because Sue usually seduces them.

Seduce is a synonym for fuck a person's brains out. I figured over half of America are illiterate dullards so I should explain the easy (although less easy than other) words.

Bito learns that all of the shitty European super villains are giving up on the plan because they're afraid to battle Elongated Man. Did I say they were shitty? I meant super duper shitty. Imagine being afraid of Elongated Man?! What the fuck? This must be Gerard Jones' way of taking the piss out of Europe. All they can muster are stereotypical villains like Lutefisk from Denmark and Toad-in-the-Hole from Britain and L'Escargot from France and Calamari from Italy. The only villains willing to keep on going are the German villains. They're probably going to be based on Sausages and Genocide.

The next conference is in Berlin so we'll find out soon enough!

Yeah, yeah. I know I kept saying the first conference was in Berlin back in Issue #1. But I was being purposefully stupid! Duh! I'm an American! I didn't recognize the Eifel Tower and the French language and the long breads!

Ralph continues to investigate at the Berlin conference but he really mostly just spends time with his head interviewing Trampolina and his lower half probably in a bathroom somewhere tugging one out.

That's it. I'm now a member of the Pink Party.

Ralph drags himself away from Trampolina when he sees the French Ambassador arguing with the German Ambassador, mostly because the American Ambassador was pushing their buttons. The English Ambassador whines about the entire party and marches off to find some cucumber sandwiches. That's when the Sausage Brothers, um, attack?

Whatever is happening here just caused me to make currywurst in my pants.

It's understandable that one of the Sausage Brothers has a gigantic uncircumcised boner. Trampolina's flippin' hot.

It's weird to describe a penis as "an uncircumcised penis," right? That's just a fucking penis. I should only point out if it's been circumcised. Saying "uncircumcised" is like using a double negative.

The German gang of sausage men call themselves the Wurstwaffe. They manage to subdue all of the Ambassadors and then begin sneaking up on Ralph as he contemplates the mystery of the mysterious assassins. Meanwhile in Modora, Sue has caused a bit of trouble by investigating too much and she's being arrested by the Modoran army.

Yes, "arrested" just meant "arrested" and not "consensually fucked by." Sue's not just a sex object for your prurient thoughts! Get your head out of the gutter! Sue's an intelligent woman with a great personality and, in a few more years, footprints in her brain! So stop being so crass!

Elongated Man: Europe '92 #3 Rating: A. Why is this stupid comic book so entertaining? I think because it's so stupid! It's just fun and I'm always saying after I say a lot of nonsense and vulgar words, "Comic books should be fun!" You might not remember me saying that recently but I'm pretty sure I said something like that back when I was reading The New 52's Demon Knights or All Star Western! Oh, and Gotham Academy! And Batgirl when she was living in that gentrified hipster part of Gotham! Fun comics are so much fun!

Elongated Man: Europe '92 #2 (February 1992)

If I ever see Warp out of his costume, I'm going to have nightmares about it until I die.

Characters whose costumes make their necks look impossible terrify me. Like Black Manta. And I guess Warp as seen here although Warp could be using his warp technology to make his face appear at the other end of that Dune Sandworm collar he's wearing. This being terrified of neck dysmorphia stems from being a small child flipping through a copy of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and seeing that one Tenniel illustration depicting Alice after she's eaten a bit of the "Eat Me" cake.

I used to flip quickly through the book to get a glimpse of this image and scare the shit out of myself. On purpose.

Maybe this is why I can't stand The Elongated Man! That fucker can't spend ten minutes without stretching his neck out to ridiculous lengths.

Last issue, we learned that Sue Dibny wants to fuck the ruler of Modora, Sonar. We also learned Ralph Dibny wants to fuck mysteries more than he wants to fuck Sue. How is this the strongest marriage in the DC Universe? I mean before Sue was murdered by Brad Meltzer. Maybe Elongated Man constantly has his dick inside Sue and that's what really turns them on. How, you're asking? Please. The easiest trick in the book! He just stretches his penis down to near microscopic levels from his pant leg to Sue's hoo-hoo. Then he expands it as big as Sue wants! And there's no fear of somebody accidentally snapping it by tripping on it or something because Elongated Man is indestructible, right?

Ralph and Sue have traveled to Modora after being invited by Archduke Bito (who is also Sonar). They had been invited to some European Union summit in Paris for some reason and discovered that ambassadors were being targeted for assassination. Ralph thought that they should stick with the European Union Tour of '92 so they could attempt to catch the culprit but Sue, after being continuously hot-breathed by Sonar at the meeting where an ambassador was killed, realized he was probably the culprit. She convinced Ralph they should go to Modora to investigate and maybe have sex with its leader, if there's time.

Archduke Bito gives the Dibneys a short tour of the idyllic country life married to technologies of the 21st Century. It's such a utopian setting that Ralph can't help thinking Archduke Bito is up to no good. Also Sue wants to fuck him so obviously he doesn't trust the son of a sheepdog.

She's so fucking repulsed by him!

Archduke Bito probably blows his supervillain reveal too early in this mini-series for Sue to accidentally fuck him. Which is probably why she's so horny for Captain Atom later. I like to think she eventually did fuck Captain Atom but that means she would have had to beat out Catherine Cobert in the dash to his dick. Sure, he could have fucked them both, but Cap seemed way too awkward to pull that off. I'm sure he just fucked one of them one single time and then blustered his way out of the laundry room swearing to avoid all contact with them until he died and/or became Monarch and/or didn't become Monarch because DC editorial are cowards but he had already been written out of everything because he was supposed to be Monarch which is why he ended up in that fucking terrible Armageddon: The Alien Agenda. My main point is that Captain Atom probably fucked Sue and Catherine, probably at different times.

I just realized something. Does the plot of this mini-series have nothing to do with Sue's high horniness levels?! Fuck. Have I just let my male gaze run rampant all over my critique of this story?! Shit shit shit. Um, okay, forget about Sue's swollen vulva and Ralph's fat and also microscopically thin hog! It's time to get serious about political intrigue and the formation of the European Union which the British never really took to heart which is why they up and fucked themselves about thirty years later.

Ralph finally realizes why he finds Archduke Bito so familiar: he's Sonar, an old Green Lantern foe! But Sue is all, "Sonar's in jail, you jealous idiot. It can't be him."

Goddammit, Sue! I'm trying to move away from the "Sue's displaying legendary volumes of horniness on main" thesis statement!

It's possible Sue and Ralph discussed all of this "Bito is Sonar" stuff in the shitter on the plane into Modora so they know they're being eavesdropped on everywhere (except in the shitter of the plane because, ew, gross). So they're making as big a display as possible of their marriage in sexual shambles and Sue basically rubbing one out every time Bito's name is mentioned.

I'm sorry! I'd love to drop all the "Sue wants to fuck Bito" shit but I think it's integral to catching the baddie!

While Sue gets changed for dinner with Bito, Ralph stretches himself throughout the building's vents to spy on Bito. Seems a bit gay when your hot wife is sexily undressing in the next room! I don't know if women undress sexily because any time a woman undresses to me, it's fucking sexy. Except if it's because she just fell in a vat of sewage and is throwing up all over the place as she tears off her shit-matted clothes. That's only slightly sexy. But she'd probably appreciate me running in with a hose and, oh boy, now it's getting very sexy!

Ralph discovers Bito has been setting eavesdropping equipment all over the European Unity Tour's various locations. He then discovers Sonar's costume to put the nail in the mystery's coffin. But then he trigger's a trap and is killed by a blast of sonic noise. Ralph's lower half is still in his apartment though so that's going to be a gross little discovery for Sue.

Do you think Ralph's shits are normal? I'm not thinking about Ralph's shits because I like to think about another man's shits. I was just thinking, "Don't you shit when you die?" Then I was picturing Sue coming out of the bathroom putting on her last earring and discovering the unmoving lower half of her husband with massive ropes of shit streaming out of his boxers and his upper torso hanging out of the window. Then she'd probably yell, "Yahoo! Bito's dick, here I come! And come! And come! Oh mama!"

I can only picture sexual situations as Looney Tunes cartoons.

How can you ever again get wet for a man whose body you've seen do this?

At dinner, Bito admits that Modora suffers from the shame of Sonar, one of Bito's relatives who stole his name. Bito keeps the costume in his bedroom as a reminder. Also Sonar stole all of their sonic technology. Sue nods her head and says, "Yes, yes! That all makes perfect sense. Excuse me while I mop my pussy with one of these expensive napkins."

After dinner, Ralph catches a report from Italy that some villain named Calamari has disrupted the European Unity conference in Rome. He begins packing while Sue does not begin packing at all. She refuses to go with him. She doesn't say it's because he's constantly stretching his neck to fifty meters and twitching his nose like a rabbit finishing up a gram of cocaine but we all know those are two of the biggest reasons. She does sort of admit she's embarrassed by him so I guess that covers what I mentioned.

Is that "amazing technology" bit a threat about how she's about to use Sonar's vibrational sound machine?!

Ralph and Sue are hamming it up a bit too much in that last page for anybody to believe they're being serious. I mean anybody who doesn't actually think they're about to fuck Sue Dibny. If I were Bito and listening in on this, I'd probably have to change my underpants before Sue arrived in the library. And quickly make up an excuse about how the Linden Trees outside the window are currently in bloom.

Ralph travels to Italy without Sue while Sue "investigates" Bito. Ralph still seems to think the culprit might be the American ambassador because he's basically against the European Union and, you know, he's American. For some reason, he doesn't suspect the Italian Ambassador, Trampolina.

Sue Dibny who?

I have, from time to time, been known to say ACAB. But Trampolina in a sexy cop costume obviously doesn't count. She's the only good cop.

Sue winds up shopping a bunch and mooning over her husband who left her to fend for herself while Ralph winds up walking through dark alleys alone missing Sue. But Sue doesn't get attacked by Copperhead, Calamari, and Warp on the final page of the comic book. And Sue doesn't appreciate the appearance of The Flash just as she's about to be killed by the three aforementioned villains.

Elongated Man: Europe '92 #2 Rating: A. It's weird how much I'm enjoying a comic book about Ralph and Sue not getting along on their European vacation because Sue wants to get dicked 24/7 and Ralph doesn't want to do any dicking. Maybe being all rubbery causes a loss of testosterone? Or maybe there's another reason I just can't put my finger on.

Elongated Man: Europe '92 #1 (January 1992)

Sue would rather be getting dicked hard than stopping this snail guy from robbing a cotillion.

By the '90s, Elongated Man was never going to be a strong enough character to carry his own series. And we all know the only reason he got this mini-series was due to his wife, Sue. Sue's probably the only reason I picked it up. Oh, and it only cost $1.00. People would take a chance on more comic books when they were easily affordable. I could make $20.00 in one day of yard work around my block, buy fifteen comic books and still have enough to go see a movie with my friends or hang out at the mall for 5 hours straight or take the bus to Great America where I had a season pass that probably cost only $20.00 itself and which let us spend all summer there. People often talk about inflation as if everything evens out between wages and how much shit costs. But they're fucking wrong because kids used to be able to afford to do a ton of shit with not much cash because a dollar went further and also because they were fucking allowed to go places without parents and people didn't completely freak the fuck out. And we didn't have iPhone lifelines to each other. We just disappeared into the Santa Cruz mountains on our bikes on a Saturday morning and our parents didn't know if we were alive or dead until we got back in the evening. Or called from Santa Cruz hoping they'd come pick us up because we actually biked from Santa Clara to Santa Cruz and didn't want to have to ride back over the Santa Cruz mountains to get home. But then our parents were all, "You fucked up, man. That's on you. Figure it out." So we shrugged and hitched a ride back up the mountain in the back of some guy's pickup truck after a detour where he took us down this weird side road into the forest to show off the boxing ring in his sketchy youth camp. Eventually he took us back to the ridge and we rode back down into Cupertino where we stopped at Taco Bravo for dinner before heading back down Bascom and into Santa Clara where our parents were all, "So what did you guys do?" And we were all, "Oh, nothing. Just riding around."

You know how many times I almost died riding my BMX or 10-speed up the Santa Cruz mountains? Like, um, three times probably! Four if you figure that guy we hitched a ride from thought better of murdering us all!

Oh, I know another reason I might have picked up this comic book: Mike Parobeck's art! He did a run on Justice Society of America later that same year which I also picked up mostly because of the art and the cover price. I dig his animation style.

Based on all the clues in this opening splash page, I'm going to guess this takes place in Berlin.

Why is Elongated Man chasing down Copperhead in the streets of Berlin? I don't know! This comic book began "In Media Res" which means "in the middle res". I suppose if I were a superhero having a nice day out in Berlin and suddenly saw a person dressed as a giant man-snake and is a known American hit-man, I might feel compelled to stop him doing whatever hit-manning he might be doing.

Although Sue makes at least four pretty strong arguments about why I might just mind my own business.

Three of Sue's arguments are not those cops who can maybe take care of the local crime themselves. Her four strong arguments (as if I need to explain such obvious arguments that any man can plainly see with their own eyes) are her fashion sense, her speed, the cute shocked expressions she makes, and her vulva.

Sue saves Ralph's life by throwing her fancy hat at Copperhead who apparently has a fancy hat phobia because he freaks out as if a crocodile had just latched itself to his face. It only keeps him down for a few moments but that's enough time for Sue's three non-arguments to catch up and arrest him.

The appearance of Warp interrupts Ralph who was probably about to finish, "Gay Park, Berlin, Germany."

Warp teleports Copperhead away from the cops. But now Elongated Man's nose begins twitching and Sue's vulva unswells because she knows there won't be any more fucking on this vacation. Ralph Dibny has a bigger boner for mysteries than he has for Sue's underpants. I guess he solved that mystery years ago and there's simply no allure for him anymore. Oh! I think I just solved the mystery of why they're in Gay Park, Berlin!

Sue reminds Ralph that they don't have time for mysteries that don't concern locating her sex opening with his sex rod and then doing sex. Except also they don't have time for that because they have to go to some fancy banquet where some minister of something is going to announce some policy of something. I could probably explain it better but it's fucking boring and the speech bubbles are plastered all around Sue trying to get dressed for the event so most of my brain power was used up in getting the boner while looking at Sue in her slip.

Ralph decides to wear a hideous purple tuxedo to the event and Sue points out that it's as ugly as his Elongated Man costume. Ralph seems to act like this is the first time he's heard that criticism when it seems like it should be the five millionth time he's heard it.

Does "provincial" mean "homophobic"?

That was a rhetorical question because I know the answer is yes.

Sue breaks the 4th wall at the bottom of page six as she gives Ralph a handjob.

You don't know. That could be Ralph's dick.

At the banquet or buffet or whatever the fuck large political gatherings on which a fuckton of the population's money has been spent, Ralph winds up swamped by fans wanting pictures and autographs. It must be a slow night at the rich people's party if Elongated Man's the most famous person there. Sue strictly told him no stretching or being famous so when he goes against her strict party rules, she wanders off to find a super hot guy in a uniform and tight pants to fuck.

Is it gay for me to want to see Sue's delicate hand pull this gentleman's giant hog out of his pants to watch it stiffen across a few panels? Whatever. I'm gay then! Fuck off.

That gentleman is Sonar. You can tell because he has such a mastery of sound that he can make his speech bubble go behind his leg! Maybe that indicates he's talking out of his asshole? Or his penis is speaking that line about loving the collision!

I'm fairly certain we see Sue Dibny orgasm on the next page.

She's so disappointed when she finds out he knows she's married!

Sue and Ralph have such a strong marriage that Sue doesn't mind when Ralph clumsily flirts with his hot co-workers and Ralph doesn't mind when Sue eye fucks Captain Atom and Superman and Sonar and pretty much every other guy aside from Wally West and Dmitri Pushkin. Also I think maybe you can take the "eye" out of that last sentence. My theory is that Sue Dibny was dying from uterine cancer after having an affair with Captain Atom and Ralph faked her "murder" with help from Jean Loring to save her reputation. Sue may or may not have been in on it. Also Jean Loring may or may not have been in on it. She was probably tricked into participating in Sue's euthanasia.

Sue does enjoy fucking a lot of hot guys who don't bend weird and have twitching noses but she doesn't like it when they think it's going to be easy to get into her underpants.

Spot on? Amazingly perceptive? Right on the money?

I'm sure a lot of people love the stability of Sue and Ralph's marriage, something to be counted on for all time (I mean, until Identity Crisis, of course). But I think Sue is too hot and sexy to not imagine her fucking every hot guy she lays her eyes on! I bet she'd even fuck Etrigan!

Has Sue Dibny ever been in a DC movie? I think she should be played by Aubrey Plaza.

Somebody named L'Escargot crashes the party really, really slowly. He terrifies nearly nobody until he begins puking slime on diplomats. And while it doesn't really cause anybody any harm, it's super embarrassing for the host country of the party, Germany. Ralph tries to catch L'Escargot with his gigantic rubber fist but L'Escargot just cums in his hand and escapes.

I didn't spend all those years as a man and not learn that "SPLORK" is the sound effect of a penis ejaculating.

If Ralph can jerk off some guy at this party, then Sue has every right to get her hands around some penis too.

Sonar manages to knock out L'Escargot with his sonic powers while making it look like he simply punched him out. And also, I was wrong about the slime not causing anybody harm.

See? German!

I just realized the reason for this 1992 European Tour. They're holding these conferences to work out all the kinks in forming the European Union! It's existed for over half my life so it's something that I tend to forget hasn't always been a thing. No more Francs and Deutschmarks and Lira and Goldoons! Although still Pounds for some reason. I suppose Brexit shouldn't have been too surprising when your country feels exempt from completely switching currency the way everybody else did.

I don't know which ambassador for what country was killed by L'Escargot but it wasn't the French or the German or the Italian. Thank God it wasn't the Italian ambassador!

How did any of this get past the Comics Code Authority?!

Ralph begins to suspect that the person behind the attacks must not want a united Europe! And he's really suspecting that America would be that person! I mean country! Unless it's just the American ambassador going rogue and then person is okay. But I suspect it's probably Sonar! Because, you know, he's a villain.

As things settle down at the party and the corpse is hidden away in a backroom, Sonar invites the Dibnys to Modora. But Ralph, seeing how Sue has been looking at him all night and smelling the sex fumes coming from her drippy drawers with his twitchy nose, refuses the invite. Smart man! But later that night, Sue can't stop thinking about Sonar's fat cock on her tongue.

"Don't you think we should be experimenting with other dicks in or around my other orifices?"

Now I really, really think Aubrey Plaza should play Sue Dibny in a movie and not just in the fantasy playing in my head right now.

Ralph sort of refuses to take Sue seriously because he's taking his marriage for granted. But Sue doesn't want to take their marriage for granted. Sue wants to fuck Count Bito.

I guess technically this comic book isn't X-rated but it's definitely caused an abundance of X-rated panels in my head.

Elongated Man: Europe '92 Rating: A. I understand that Sue doesn't actually want to fuck Sonar. I get that she's the Penny to Ralph's Inspector Gadget, the snickering cat to Ralph's Hong Kong Phooey. Ralph thinks the mystery is in Paris. I mean Berlin. But Sue already realizes the mystery will be unraveled only once they're allowed in Modora. And she probably doesn't want to fuck Sonar but he definitely makes her wet. Why won't Ralph fuck Sue while speaking in a Modoran accent? Doesn't he love his hot young sexy wife?! I can't believe I enjoyed an Elongated Man comic book this much.

Justice League Europe #49 (April 1993)

Just in case readers forgot this was a battle against Russia, Randall added some penis-looking onion domes in the background.

I don't mean the onion domes literally look like a penis. I've seen penises before and if I saw one that looked like that, after I'd sucked it, I'd be all, "You need to get this thing checked out and thanks for dinner." Adding those onion domed towers is to a story that takes place in Russia as the Eifel Tower is to a story that takes place in Paris. That's just basic comic book math. Comic book math is to comic books as analogies are to the SATS, in case you were confused.

Hopefully Power Girl has such control of her power levels (which I assume she does, being that it's right there in her name) that she can manage to punch a helmet to smithereens right off a Russian's face without severely maiming the Russian wearing it. Unless she just doesn't give a shit that these dudes have been brainwashed by Sonar and they don't really want to be invading other countries and killing innocent people. According to Billy Joel, they just want to make children laugh. According to Sting, they may or may not love those children.

The comic opens with the ghost who has been unliving in the Justice League's new castle headquarters (because when he was alive, he lived in it. And owned it) discovering that he is a ghost and his consciousness transported to some future which he can hardly comprehend. I can't see how an incorporeal man in an ancient armor suit who's startled by every electronic beep he hears or moving metal object bigger than a badger will be any help to Justice League Europe but I'm assuming he's part of the team now. His first job is to alert Justice League America that Justice League Europe and the Justice League Reserves have all been defeated by Sonar. Luckily he doesn't know how embarrassing that revelation is, so he should have no problem delivering the news.

Kara's cat returns to team up with Ghost Knight (after he insults it in fifteen different Shakespearian ways).

Was every knight of England this fucking dramatic?

I don't remember every knight in the movie Excalibur speechifying like this. Then again, all I really remember about that movie are the dozens of uncovered boobies. I watched it when I was like twelve! If there was an exposed nipple on the screen at that age, it was all I was concentrating on. I've grown up now. Now I can also concentrate on naked asses if they're sharing screen time with the nipple. I love to believe we're all capable of that kind of growth. It's called maturity.

With everybody else brainwashed, lost, defeated by Rocket Reds, or stuck in some bureaucratic meeting under the sea, Power Girl is the only non-ghost member of the Justice League left to battle Sonar. Which mature readers would have learned from the cover. I only mention it again because the scene shifted from Kara's cat's team up with a ghost to Power Girl flying into Mosco intent on causing an international crisis. I'm not going to scan that moment because it looks exactly like the cover. No wait. I just looked at the cover again and remembered Power Girl was murdering Rocket Reds while she's just flying peacefully in the panel. I guess I'm not as mature as I thought since I figured both the cover and this panel show a ton of Power Girl's cleavage and therefore they were identical.

The Russians on the street argue over which side they want to come out on top: Sonar who seems to be helping feed everybody or the American superhero with the huge American tits because, well, I mentioned the tits, right?

How did they know Hal was an American? He's not wearing jeans or singing a Beatles song.

It's weird that the one guy thinks America has been shipping its homeless to Russia. Not that I can't see America doing that! Spending millions of dollars to kidnap American citizens the general population find irritating to ship them out of the country instead of spending millions of dollars on economic safety nets and social programs that help people. I guess it isn't so weird being that I just admitted that I could see our government doing that. But it's still weird that he instantly recognized Hal as an American without first hearing him talk or showing off the wad of cash in his pocket.

Hal suffers from amnesia caused by The Flash's supersonic yellow foot connecting with his unprotected head. After that, I suppose Hal's ring teleported him to the safest place it knew: underneath some stairs in the freezing cold in Moscow. Maybe the ring knew Power Girl would be flying by soon and Hal would recognize her. When he does, the ring senses his wishes to communicate with her and flies him to her. Not realizing he can fly, Hal probably shits himself.

Since Hal isn't allowed to fight alongside Power Girl because the cover said Power Girl fights alone, Hal's ring teleports them somewhere to discuss who the fuck Hal is and what they should do once Hal remembers.

Back in Modora, Elongated Man wakes up for three seconds and manages to hear a nearby Rocket Red detail Sonar's entire plan to some other guy. So Elongated Man, being instantly caught up on what's happening, puts on his stretchy pants and wades out into battle too. It's starting to feel like Power Girl isn't going to be fighting alone for long. I think maybe her fight already happened even though she didn't actually fight anybody. She just got blasted by a bunch of Rocket Reds, fell into Hal's arms, and disappeared.

Elongated Man arrives in Moscow just in time to see Aquaman immediately get his ass kicked after saying, "I'm on a diplomatic mission." Isn't there some law against arresting diplomats? Didn't I learn that from Lethal Weapon 2? Or was I supposed to learn the opposite lesson? That you can commit any kind of violence you want to a diplomat if you're crazy enough?

Doctor Light intercepts Elongated Man, pretending to not be brainwashed by Sonar, and leads him into a trap.

Look out, Ralph! There's one empty space! Who do you think that's for?!

DC should have released this Sonar superhero restraint machine as a sturdy carrying case of their Super Power action figure line (with an extra compartment to shove Hawkman, of course).

Normally I'd wonder how Sonar and the Rocket Reds managed to capture these heroes, many of whom have greater powers than Sonar and the whole Rocket Red Brigade combined. But The Flash helped catch them and this is one of those things in the DC Universe that I harp on all the time: The Flash should be the most powerful hero on Earth. Even together, none of these heroes could stand up to a guy who can just go so fast everybody would basically be in stasis. Except Jay Garrick, of course. But he's old and you can't expect his reaction times to be anywhere near Wally's.

Finding the Justice Society and Justice League Reserves captured isn't the most surprising thing Ralph's twitchy nose has led him to. He also learns that Sue Dibny has left him for Sonar!

Some people might think she's faking or under mind control. But I like to believe she's finally realized Ralph is a disgusting monster with a weird dick.

Even if Sue is faking to help bring down Sonar, she had to have fucked him, right? No way he instantly trusts her this much without a little proof in her pudding.

Justice League America arrives via the teleporter in the Justice League Europe's castle. The team is composed of Wonder Woman, Maxima, Guy Gardner, Agent Liberty, Bloodwynd, Fire, and Booster Gold. Did Gerard Jones and Ron Randall not get the memo that Booster Gold and Fire had lost their powers? Or did they just suit up because they needed something to do and heading over to London isn't exactly dangerous. They discover The Flash still trying to recover from his mind control. They soon learn from The Flash and from the traitorous tailor that Sonar is behind it all.

Guy's speech might sound familiar here because it's what I've been saying through this entire story arc.

Fire poses like she knows Agent Liberty is staring at her ass in that panel. But then maybe that's the only reason she's here? To look good? She certainly can't turn into flame anymore for some reason. Maybe this story takes place after the "Destiny's Hand" story arc where Fire gets her powers back, Booster fixes his suit, and Black Condor has long ago fled back into the Pine Barrens.

Well, I guess Fire's fine now. But Bloodwynd specifically mentions that Booster has lost his technology. He's their emotional support hero.

I only have two more issues left before I stopped reading Justice League Europe back in 1993 and this might be why. Why keep reading both comics when Justice League America has to come over to this comic to save the day? Might as well just read the book with the real heroes in it!

Crimson Fox shows back up after ditching her suit, having realized Sonar's tailor had put listening devices in them all. "That means she's running around naked," you're probably thinking while logging in to the Mile High Comics website to look for some back issues of this comic book. But she isn't. She's got a jacket on that somehow covers everything. I mean, you can tell it isn't covering her ass when she's facing the reader. But it seems to cover her ass when she's not facing the reader. It's the most magical jacket I've ever seen and I hate it.

She stumbles upon Sonar meeting up with a bunch of hired mercenaries who are willing to help him take over all of Russia and its former Soviet Republics. I don't know why they're meeting out in the wilderness. Probably so Crimson Fox could stumble upon them!

Weren't Eurocrime defeated by Ralph and Sue Dibny? Why would you ever give them a second chance?

Justice League Europe #49 Rating: B. If you bought this comic book in 1993 because you were excited to see Power Girl fight alone, you were left severely blue-balled. Also, young people on tumblr, being blue-balled is an actual thing that can cause nausea, pain, and intense discomfort. But it is never an excuse for a guy to pressure somebody into a sexual act! They probably have at least one hand! They can take care of themselves! Also, once you wind up blue-balled, I don't think an orgasm really helps. I mean, it still feels good! But you're still going to feel the sick effects of the blue balls. I haven't had enough experience with blue balls but they seem to be pretty rare. You don't automatically get blue balls because your dick has been hard for an extended period without ending up in an orgasm. If that were the case, do you think Sting would be so into that Tantric shit? He'd be the most blue-balled man that ever lived! Or maybe he's into nausea, pain, and discomfort? Maybe that's how that sicko gets off! So that's my rating! This comic book somehow made me think of blue balls. Maybe it was all the near ass and poonanny shots of Crimson Fox in her magic jacket! Ow my lower tummy hurts!

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Justice League Europe #48 (March 1993)

Even with (perhaps especially because of) Super Speed, I would not choose to punch a man in power armor in the helmet.

The focal point of this cover is Alan Scott's groin. Other less crotch-obsessed people might suggest the focal point is some other part of the cover, like Alan's head or the Rocket Red's helmet. But Alan Scott's groin, being surrounded by the only negative space that isn't the sky around the title, stands out far more than anything else. Perhaps Ron Randall wanted us to take particular note of Alan's package. Or maybe Ron did it to distract from the fact he forgot that Alan Scott wears, and often utilizes, a power ring. Although if that were Ron's reasoning, he probably would have just drawn the ring on Scott's finger at that point.

The issue begins with Sonar hovering over Russia describing the problems of all the people he can hear. He calls himself "The Master of Sound," as if eavesdropping on a bunch of people just living their life is some kind of over-the-top superpower. He thinks he's a major villain because he has Superman's least useful skill? This asshole will probably wind up being defeated by a kid with a trumpet.

Sonar goes on to brag how all of his technology does the work of sifting through the various noises for specific human voices and discarding the rest. So I guess a kid blasting a trumpet as loud as he can right in Sonar's face will just never reach Sonar's attention? Apparently Sonar doesn't even have the least useful of Superman's skills anyway. His whole "Master of Sound" thing is a result of technology he's created. So, sure, he's the master of making technology which can make somebody the Master of Sound. But that also means The Atom can shrink down, pull a few wires in his suit, and cause him to go deaf. But The Atom is currently over in Justice League America genociding the Chinese. So maybe Metamorpho or Elongated Man will have to squeeze into Sonar's suit to short it out.

Okay, maybe just Metamorpho.

I used to think that if Sue Dibny were a real person, I wouldn't stand a chance with her. But now that I've seen she wears high-waisted, belted and cuffed jean shorts with long socks, she might be exactly in my league.

Sonar's trying to get into Susan's undergarments by pointing out how lame her husband is and how awesome he is. Why do guys spend so much time trying to convince women who obviously loathe them that they're somehow the perfect partner for them? If men are so logical, why do they think women would be into exactly the sort of person they're definitely not into?

How can this man be the Master of Sound if he can't even appreciate Rubber Soul?

Looking at Sue Dibny's outfit as she fends off Sonar's mediocre incel advances, I just realized why I think she's so super cute. This comic book came out in 1992! This is what all the women in my high school class were basically wearing in 1989. I'm not in love with Sue Dibny! I'm in love with my lost youth!

Sonar, getting nowhere with bragging about himself and shitting all over Ralph, tries a different tactic: pity! He's all, "I am the man you see before you because of the...the...the silence of my childhood!" He throws one arm over his forehead and glances askance at Sue who, seeing the shadow of a poor, lost child, makes a huge mistake and shows interest in the pain of his past. Later, when she turns Sonar down again, he'll probably invoke this moment and be all, "Why'd you lead me on by acting like you wanted to fuck me by listening to me?!"

Sonar blathers on about his origin. How his parents were deaf which meant they were spawns of Satan in Modoran culture, and he an idiot spawn of the spawn of Satan. Since silence was his pain and punishment, he studied the technology of sound, so he could use it to prove he was smarter than everybody else on the Internet. I mean in the world. Eventually, after Green Lantern spanked him publicly multiple times, he returned to Modora to overthrow its dictator and become a new dictator. But a better dictator! One with science behind him!

Sue Dibny is not impressed and Ron Randall draws an expression on her face that I'm fairly certain means "My butthole has never been shut tighter."

Ain't no science in the world loosening that sphincter.

Some people might quibble with me as to what that expression on Sue's face actually means but I doubt anybody has as much experience as I do at seeing the moment a woman thinks, "No way this guy gets anywhere near my butthole."

Sonar flies off when he gets exasperated with Sue's rejections and also because the scene had already gone on for eight pages of exposition and really needed a reason to end. Mostly so readers could find out what's happening with the Justice Society! They aren't being drawn by Ron Randall in this issue. Instead, they're drawn by Mike Parobeck, artist of the Justice Society comic book that was running concurrently to this one.

First thing on the JSA's itinerary is to extract Doctor Light from Metamorpho.

I thought Doctor Mid-Nite was going to say, "I'd have brought my eyesight!" Because Doctor Light is hot is why.

Somehow, Doctor Mid-Nite and Doctor Light do not implode and cease to exist on contact. I would theorize on why that is but I'm too hypnotized by the way Atom is parting Metamorpho's metal labia to help birth Doctor Light. Hmm. This might wind up being the weirdest picture I've ever jerked off to.

Instead of immediately defeating the Rocket Reds and kicking Sonar's ass all the way to the Pacific Ocean, the members of the Justice Society stand around like old men and debate politics. Being that they are old men, they're really, really good at it. And slow. And, as you'd expect, boil it all down to "The Communists are the worst!"

Jesus, Alan! Still not over the McCarthy-era propaganda? You know what other group McCarthy really fucking cracked down on, don't you?!

Wildcat steps in to point out that the Rocket Reds just beat up a bunch of heroes so why can't the Justice Society just use that as an excuse to beat up a bunch of Rocket Reds? Why discuss politics when you can just defend yourself now and apologize to the international community later?

Doctor Mid-Nite also expresses his wishes to battle and defeat the Rocket Reds but he uses a really fucking horrible analogy.

Comparing saving the world to choking a baby in its crib isn't fucking weird at all!

The Rocket Reds arrive to put an end to the discussion. Green Lantern is all, "I am the most powerful person in the world! I will defeat them in mere seconds!" But then a tree explodes and he's knocked unconscious by some wooden shrapnel. It may be the most humiliating moment in his entire seventy years on Earth.

Jay Garrick, being one of the fastest men alive, which means he can reason things out pretty quickly, realizes trees don't usually explode and deduces somebody must have made that tree explode! And somebody did! Using sound! Which is a clue as to who is behind it all! But Jay Garrick doesn't have time to think the problem through because Jay Garrick must not have access to the Speed Force or something because he can't see somebody else moving super fast. He deserves to have his skull caved in by The Flash which is what happens point zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero two nanoseconds after Jay thinks, "What?! Someone moving even faster than--" Faster than what?! FASTER THAN WHAT?!

Before Jay Garrick's skull gets completely smashed, he does some reverse brainwashing on Wally by running alongside him super fast and going, "You're brainwashed, dumb-dumb! You're brainwashed, dumb-dumb! Snap out of it, idiot! Barry and I are faster than you!" It seems to work because The Flash concocts a plan to get away from Sonar by flinging the unconscious (and maybe dead?) Blue Jay across the frozen tundra so he can pretend to go after the escaping hero.

Back in London, a super duper twist takes place at JLE headquarters.

What?! The new tailor outfitting everybody in those horrible new costumes was a spy for Sonar all along?! No way!

I haven't mentioned over the last half dozen issues or so how suspicious everybody has been about the new tailor because I just assumed they all hated him for putting Elongated Man in that terrible outfit and Power Girl in hers. And even though I wrote that caption as if I had known all along, I really hadn't known all along. And I've read this before! I just thought he was acting nervous and guilty because he knew how terrible his fucking designs were.

The superpowered Indian girl from last issue breaks into JLE Headquarters and finds the tailor there. One of the two is all, "You shouldn't be here!", and it's not the one you think. Unless you thought it was Chandi Gupta, the Indian lass. Because, yeah, she said it. As if she knows who should be in the castle and who shouldn't? She obviously doesn't know or she would have yelled that at herself. The tailor, instead of saying, "Oh, I'm the official Justice League Europe tailor! I made Power Girl and Elongated Man's amazing new costumes!" Instead he says, "I'd like to see what a little punk like you is going to do about it." Which kind of blows his cover, no? He could have just repeated what she said and threatened to call the cops on her.

Chandi has a magic bow but I guess the tailor is already in melee range so she chooses not to use it with negative modifiers. That's when the suit of armor reveals itself as the lord of the castle and nearly kills the tailor. But Chandi stops it from murder so that she can tell it her origin story.

Yeah, but you left out the most important detail: your superhero name!

The Flash arrives to interrupt the nice chat between the mystic girl and the armored ghost. He pleads with them to contact Justice League America to save the day. I guess he doesn't know Superman is dead and Blue Beetle is in a coma and Fire has lost her powers and Ice quit and Booster Gold's technology has been demolished and Bloodwynd is actually Martian Manhunter. I don't think they're in any condition to save anybody's day. I guess, unbelievably, Sonar and the Rocket Reds are going to take over the world!

Justice League Europe #48 Rating: C. The story and art weren't as mediocre as the C rating might indicate. What the C rating indicates is how unbelievable — even in a stupid comic book that mainly deals with the unbelievable — it is that Sonar and the fucking Rocket Reds have not only defeated Justice League Europe but the Justice Society as well! And, I suppose, the Justice League Reserves! This wouldn't have happened if Batman had stuck around to lead the team.

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