The GLC are the CPS of the universe.
When will science develop the space bikini? I've had it up to my left nut looking at astronauts in shapeless full body coverings. We need the kind of reckless space program taking place on Rann: women in low orbit and bikinis kneeling on open-topped flying disks with their babies held insecurely in their bare arms. I didn't realize how much I despised NASA until this very moment. If I don't see some jugs floating in zero G soon, I'm inducing a coma and sleeping until logic and rationality are restored to this world. I also wouldn't complain about free floating dongs, if that's what interests you although you're pretending that it doesn't interest you at all.
This issue begins with Hal Jordan in the middle of kidnapping Adam Strange's child. Hal claims he needs the child to save everybody on Earth at the expense of everybody on Rann. Seems a bit selfish although not as selfish as Hal usually acts. Unless what he isn't saying to Adam Strange is, "If everybody on Earth dies, I won't get to fuck that waitress down at the diner! Sorry not sorry!"
I hate the phrase "sorry not sorry" so I'm glad it's gone out of style. But I also imagine that Hal Jordan is the kind of twat who would use that phrase and think he's hip while doing so. I'm not saying I'm hip in comparison. I mean, really, I just used the word "hip" to mean young and cool and sexually promiscuous.
Adam notes that Hal keeps using the pronoun "we" and guesses that Hal's being mind-controlled. Which means Hal isn't saving the people of Earth but the aliens of some other planet. Adam Strange doesn't find out which planet even though Hal almost says it because Adam Strange shoots Hal in the face with a yellow laser. Adam's daughter, Aleea, falls from the sky and luckily disappears through a purple portal instead of splatting on the ground. Unluckily, according to some of the main laws of the universe and physics and my 10th Grade Science Sans Maths teacher, she'll maintain her momentum through the portal and probably smash into the ground on the unknown alien planet. Maybe the aliens, being smart enough to employ portal technology, thought that through so the portal opens upwards, allowing Aleea to slow her fall by falling upwards after which they can easily catch her in a baby net.
When Hal comes to, he's himself again.
This issue begins with Hal Jordan in the middle of kidnapping Adam Strange's child. Hal claims he needs the child to save everybody on Earth at the expense of everybody on Rann. Seems a bit selfish although not as selfish as Hal usually acts. Unless what he isn't saying to Adam Strange is, "If everybody on Earth dies, I won't get to fuck that waitress down at the diner! Sorry not sorry!"
I hate the phrase "sorry not sorry" so I'm glad it's gone out of style. But I also imagine that Hal Jordan is the kind of twat who would use that phrase and think he's hip while doing so. I'm not saying I'm hip in comparison. I mean, really, I just used the word "hip" to mean young and cool and sexually promiscuous.
Adam notes that Hal keeps using the pronoun "we" and guesses that Hal's being mind-controlled. Which means Hal isn't saving the people of Earth but the aliens of some other planet. Adam Strange doesn't find out which planet even though Hal almost says it because Adam Strange shoots Hal in the face with a yellow laser. Adam's daughter, Aleea, falls from the sky and luckily disappears through a purple portal instead of splatting on the ground. Unluckily, according to some of the main laws of the universe and physics and my 10th Grade Science Sans Maths teacher, she'll maintain her momentum through the portal and probably smash into the ground on the unknown alien planet. Maybe the aliens, being smart enough to employ portal technology, thought that through so the portal opens upwards, allowing Aleea to slow her fall by falling upwards after which they can easily catch her in a baby net.
When Hal comes to, he's himself again.
Did Barry Allen really come back to life this soon after Crisis?
I have no memory of Barry Allen coming back from the dead. I also have no memory of Wally West except how much he loved to sexually harass Power Girl. I just never really gave a shit about The Flash. Or Green Lantern. Or Superman. Or Wonder Woman. Fuck. What comic books did I give a fuck about?! Blue Devil and The Outsiders, I guess? Oh wait! Elfquest! Especially that time they had the huge orgy where we learned that elves have nipples similar to humans!
Barry Allen seems to have seemingly returned, it seems, in Flash #73/74. Barry was waiting to talk with Hal when he and Tom returned from the Superbowl. But Barry wasn't all, "What a game, hunh?! Ending in a tie! Boy, that's something no American can get behind! Las Vegas is in flames right now!" Instead, the only thing Barry wanted to talk about was Carol's proposal. Hmm. Could "Barry" be a plant by Carol to find out what's going on in Hal's head? It's not like she could talk to Hal about his feelings because he only speaks intimately about his personal feelings with other men. Women are just meant for orgasms. To Hal! I think they're meant for other things as well. At least, I'm pretty sure they are. They seem to go about life as if they were individuals with their own ambitions, dreams, and desires, just like men are. Weird, right?! Except their dreams and desires are usually more practical than "I need to finish my set of Power Nine Magic the Gathering cards!"
Please don't get angry at me, Magic the Gathering women and the only women who will actually speak to me! I said "usually"!
Hal and Barry head off to the diner to have a discussion about why Hal doesn't want to marry Carol and Hal's three boners in 30 seconds pretty much answers the question.
Barry Allen seems to have seemingly returned, it seems, in Flash #73/74. Barry was waiting to talk with Hal when he and Tom returned from the Superbowl. But Barry wasn't all, "What a game, hunh?! Ending in a tie! Boy, that's something no American can get behind! Las Vegas is in flames right now!" Instead, the only thing Barry wanted to talk about was Carol's proposal. Hmm. Could "Barry" be a plant by Carol to find out what's going on in Hal's head? It's not like she could talk to Hal about his feelings because he only speaks intimately about his personal feelings with other men. Women are just meant for orgasms. To Hal! I think they're meant for other things as well. At least, I'm pretty sure they are. They seem to go about life as if they were individuals with their own ambitions, dreams, and desires, just like men are. Weird, right?! Except their dreams and desires are usually more practical than "I need to finish my set of Power Nine Magic the Gathering cards!"
Please don't get angry at me, Magic the Gathering women and the only women who will actually speak to me! I said "usually"!
Hal and Barry head off to the diner to have a discussion about why Hal doesn't want to marry Carol and Hal's three boners in 30 seconds pretty much answers the question.
Hal's dick now has whiplash.
Of course Hal is more attracted to these three women than he is to Carol. Because he really knows nothing about their personal lives and/or they are thirteen. Once Hal realizes they want something other than his dick, he'll instantly be turned off by them. And yet if any of these women knew how Hal was trying to keep the Green Lantern Corps a male only organization, they'd stop barking up his stupid pantleg. I wonder if Hal unconsciously uses the ring to control the minds of women so they think he's charming? Is that a power the ring has? Is that why Ice inexplicably fell for Guy Gardner?
Does anybody know how to get chunks of vomit out of a computer keyboard?
Imagine if Superman ever called Lois Lane "baby." She'd publish an editorial about how Superman infantilizes women that hints at his lack of super stamina in The Daily Planet dark room. Imagine if Batman ever called Catwoman "baby"! The idiom "Cat got your tongue" would be revitalized by Clark Kent's article about Catwoman biting off Batman's tongue and also about Batman's lack of sexual stamina when compared to Superman. In my mind, most of The Daily Planet's articles revolve around the fucking ability of the world's greatest heroes.
Hal's telling this story about his brunch with Barry Allen to Adam Strange so of course he fills it with details about all the women he might be fucking. What's the point of all that other than making sure Adam Strange knows how much pussy Hal's getting? Hal tells the story because it's the last thing he remembers before waking up imprisoned in a yellow light cage by Adam Strange. How does "this thirteen year old I used to fuck came by to flirt with me and I promised to see her back at her apartment to 'work on her memory again'"? Adam Strange replies, "What? Is that why you were trying to kidnap my daughter, you disgusting pedo?!"
I'm sorry about always bringing up pedophiles but what can I do? Hal Jordan knowingly fucked a thirteen year old and Gerard Jones, the writer, was convicted of possessing images of sexual abuse of minors! And now Hal is trying to kidnap Adam Strange's child?! It's fucking weird, man.
Adam's mother-in-law says something that triggers Hal Jordan and he's suddenly mind controlled again!
Hal's telling this story about his brunch with Barry Allen to Adam Strange so of course he fills it with details about all the women he might be fucking. What's the point of all that other than making sure Adam Strange knows how much pussy Hal's getting? Hal tells the story because it's the last thing he remembers before waking up imprisoned in a yellow light cage by Adam Strange. How does "this thirteen year old I used to fuck came by to flirt with me and I promised to see her back at her apartment to 'work on her memory again'"? Adam Strange replies, "What? Is that why you were trying to kidnap my daughter, you disgusting pedo?!"
I'm sorry about always bringing up pedophiles but what can I do? Hal Jordan knowingly fucked a thirteen year old and Gerard Jones, the writer, was convicted of possessing images of sexual abuse of minors! And now Hal is trying to kidnap Adam Strange's child?! It's fucking weird, man.
Adam's mother-in-law says something that triggers Hal Jordan and he's suddenly mind controlled again!
U-mind? Isn't that the thing his ex-girlfriend, the toy developer, was suffering from?
Well don't I feel stupid now! All that talk about the women Hal wanted to fuck actually were clues as to what's possessing him: a woman he was trying to possess but couldn't saddle! Is that irony? Oh, fuck it, who cares? It's kind of sexy though.
Whereas the Titans constantly battled their fathers and mothers and siblings, Hal Jordan just keeps battling women he's fucked.
Olivia Reynolds, who doesn't know Hal Jordan is Green Lantern (so was she fucking Green Lantern in costume? Was she not intimately involved with Hal at all? Is she just another woman who Hal worked with whom Hal assumed wanted to bone him and he built up a teenage fantasy in his mind about their sexual exploits?), dropped by to hire a plane and a pilot from Hal Jordan. She got his information from some billionaire tycoon in the desert who wants to fund a new wave of hot action figures. The kind of hot toys only Olivia Reynold can develop! I guess she really made a name for herself with the talking Green Lantern figure that wound up saying whatever Hal wanted it to say. I'm assuming Hal forgot about the link between himself and the toy and left the mic open 24/7. Olivia probably sold the doll to some pervert who knew this tycoon hermit in the desert. He probably wants her to develop one of Wonder Woman.
Carol Ferris watches Hal and Olivia take off, probably knowing that Hal's never going to marry her and give her children when so many of his exes remain in his orbit. Also his future exes, like the waitress at Traci's Diner and also Traci.
Once up in the sky, Olivia explains that the tycoon heard about her Green Lantern line (as I so arrogantly surmised before reading the very next page) and he wants to already expand the line, even though she only has prototypes. She doesn't explain how she got the rights to Guy Gardner or G'nort because she suddenly becomes possessed before discussing the boring parts of the project I want to know about.
Carol Ferris watches Hal and Olivia take off, probably knowing that Hal's never going to marry her and give her children when so many of his exes remain in his orbit. Also his future exes, like the waitress at Traci's Diner and also Traci.
Once up in the sky, Olivia explains that the tycoon heard about her Green Lantern line (as I so arrogantly surmised before reading the very next page) and he wants to already expand the line, even though she only has prototypes. She doesn't explain how she got the rights to Guy Gardner or G'nort because she suddenly becomes possessed before discussing the boring parts of the project I want to know about.
I've never had a woman say that to me while looking that angry which probably explains why I've never shit and cum at the same time.
Carol probably bugged the cockpit because she knew Hal would get up to shit like this. Now he's going to come back and tell her, "Let's get married!" And she's going to throw a typewriter at him and say, "Fuck off, dirtbag!" Then he'll shrug and go have a threesome with Traci and her waitress.
Olivia, possessed by the Lenglyns that have linked to the power of her U-mind, causes Hal Jordan to crash the plane. The next thing he knew, he was trying to kidnap Adam Strange's kid. He then learns about the purple portal which he identifies as a Qwardian portal. So two different alien races are battling over the power of the U-mind, which Adam Strange's daughter must share with Olivia. The Qwardians believe the U-mind is a power they called Ergono. The editors say that happened in Green Lantern #75 from 1970. Ergono is an anagram of Orgone which is such a fantastically fucked up belief that every other Schizophrenic becomes obsessed with it. I'm not schizophrenic so I don't have the passion to discuss it. Look it up on Wikipedia if you don't already know what it is.
So basically, Aleea is an Ergono Accumulator and the Qwardians need Ergono for, well, um, did you read the Wikipedia article? Because we're really treading pedo territory again. Basically the Qwardians need a baby so they can get their rocks off. The Lenglyns, I'm assuming, just want the baby to survive. So I guess I'm rooting for the Lenglyns? No wait! I'm probably rooting for Adam Strange! I forgot him already.
Adam Strange frees Green Lantern after he promises to save the baby and not Olivia. Hal's all, "Oh, yeah, sure, whatever. I was done with that broad anyway."
Olivia, possessed by the Lenglyns that have linked to the power of her U-mind, causes Hal Jordan to crash the plane. The next thing he knew, he was trying to kidnap Adam Strange's kid. He then learns about the purple portal which he identifies as a Qwardian portal. So two different alien races are battling over the power of the U-mind, which Adam Strange's daughter must share with Olivia. The Qwardians believe the U-mind is a power they called Ergono. The editors say that happened in Green Lantern #75 from 1970. Ergono is an anagram of Orgone which is such a fantastically fucked up belief that every other Schizophrenic becomes obsessed with it. I'm not schizophrenic so I don't have the passion to discuss it. Look it up on Wikipedia if you don't already know what it is.
So basically, Aleea is an Ergono Accumulator and the Qwardians need Ergono for, well, um, did you read the Wikipedia article? Because we're really treading pedo territory again. Basically the Qwardians need a baby so they can get their rocks off. The Lenglyns, I'm assuming, just want the baby to survive. So I guess I'm rooting for the Lenglyns? No wait! I'm probably rooting for Adam Strange! I forgot him already.
Adam Strange frees Green Lantern after he promises to save the baby and not Olivia. Hal's all, "Oh, yeah, sure, whatever. I was done with that broad anyway."
Good to know that coming into contact with negative energy from the negative universe only results in a slight buzz.
On the other side of the portal, Hal and Adam are attacked by a massive negative guard dog. They blow it up and continue on their way to Qward. What's the life of one massive negative dog matter when you're trying to save the life of one positive tiny baby? Also, don't you kill a negative dog by introducing it to a positive dog and then they die as one as they even out to zero? Is that how math and science work? I think I might have some of that wrong because I just realized that to kill a baby, you can find dozens of ways that don't involve introducing it to a negative baby.
Hal and Adam find the Qwardians rebelling against the Weaponers. They ruled by fear but when the Qwardians saw them defeated by Guy Gardner earlier this year, they realized the Weaponers were weak fools. The chief of the Weaponers succumbs to Hal's questions (which are mostly threats and bodily assaults) and tells him that only one person in Qward currently has enough power to rule the dimension.
Hal and Adam find the Qwardians rebelling against the Weaponers. They ruled by fear but when the Qwardians saw them defeated by Guy Gardner earlier this year, they realized the Weaponers were weak fools. The chief of the Weaponers succumbs to Hal's questions (which are mostly threats and bodily assaults) and tells him that only one person in Qward currently has enough power to rule the dimension.
Fuck Carol and Arisia. I'm Team Oliva all the way.
With this reveal, I now realize I want NASA to emulate the Qwardian space program and not Rann's. Just thought I should clarify that before some Internet asshole gets on my case about not knowing something I shouldn't have been able to know unless, you know, I was a total Green Lantern nerd.
Green Lantern #38 Rating: B+. If Hal Jordan starts dating Olivia again, he'd better not introduce her to Dick Grayson because she is exactly his kind of woman. I don't remember the pop culture of 1993 to understand Olivia's shirt. Who is Catherine? What did she do? The only Catherine I can think of is Catherine Martell from Twin Peaks but that was two to three years before this issue came out. I suppose I could Google it but with their love of AI, I'll just get a made-up answer that's plagiarized from an actual human being anyway.
Okay, fine! I Googled it! Looks like it was old look at my vagina as I uncross my legs Catherine from Basic Instinct. Was that from that movie? If I ever saw it, I don't remember it. Reading the synopsis on Wikipedia, I'd have to say I never saw it. I suppose the shirt means Sharon Stone killed everybody and got away with it or that she ultimately killed the cop she was fucking at the end of the movie. Without having seen the movie, I can't speculate on what it means exactly but I like that second one, if the movie closed on the possibility that she could kill the cop. Of course everybody would be all, "Oh yeah! She killed the cop! What a hero!" Also that would make Olivia's shirt more threatening to Green Lantern. Olivia loves a good space cop killing, one would assume. That one being me!
Green Lantern #38 Rating: B+. If Hal Jordan starts dating Olivia again, he'd better not introduce her to Dick Grayson because she is exactly his kind of woman. I don't remember the pop culture of 1993 to understand Olivia's shirt. Who is Catherine? What did she do? The only Catherine I can think of is Catherine Martell from Twin Peaks but that was two to three years before this issue came out. I suppose I could Google it but with their love of AI, I'll just get a made-up answer that's plagiarized from an actual human being anyway.
Okay, fine! I Googled it! Looks like it was old look at my vagina as I uncross my legs Catherine from Basic Instinct. Was that from that movie? If I ever saw it, I don't remember it. Reading the synopsis on Wikipedia, I'd have to say I never saw it. I suppose the shirt means Sharon Stone killed everybody and got away with it or that she ultimately killed the cop she was fucking at the end of the movie. Without having seen the movie, I can't speculate on what it means exactly but I like that second one, if the movie closed on the possibility that she could kill the cop. Of course everybody would be all, "Oh yeah! She killed the cop! What a hero!" Also that would make Olivia's shirt more threatening to Green Lantern. Olivia loves a good space cop killing, one would assume. That one being me!
No comments:
Post a Comment